QI (2003–…): Season 19, Episode 15 - VG: Part I - full transcript

Good evening, and welcome to the
QI cutting room floor,

where tonight we are sifting through
the most scintillating snippets

from Series S.

Let's dive right in.
Roll the first clip.

The International Space Station
has had a lavatory upgrade.

Here it is.
Ooh, look at that!

It's called the Universal Waste
Management System,

and it cost $23 million.

What? That costs $23 million?
Yeah.

So...
For one?

Yeah, for one.



So everybody has to share on the
International Space Station.

Here's the thing. This particular
toilet has the ability

to sort faecal bits from the rest
of the waste

to allow the liquid to be recycled.

23 million!
Wait.

You can buy a sieve for 4.99.

Well...
What are they recycling it as?

No, no, don't you dare.

They're recycling the liquid as...
Lucozade.

No.
As water?

Drinking water.
Drinking water.

Drinking water.
No!

For them on the spaceship?!
Mm.

Oh, come on!
No, for the royal family.



SANDI LAUGHS

But there was a problem. It was a
really big problem

in the early days. They used to have
to put some germ killing liquid

in the bag with the faeces,

and then they had to knead it for
a few minutes.

GASPING

They, themselves? Yes, so it
could be stabilised.

And then it was stowed away
for re—entry.

Re—entry?!

Wow!

Surely they could just put it
in the bin?

You know, we're all stronger
than we realise.

I learnt this when I was a very
little boy because I was born

in Germany after the Second
World War.

The late 1940s. Not a lot of work
for the circuses.

And my parents engaged a couple
to look after me,

as a sort of nanny and governess.

And they were strong people
from the local circus.

So almost the first things I learnt
were to walk the tightrope

and to stand on my head and to be
a strong baby.

We can all do this experiment now.

Put your hand on your head -
like this. OK.

Oh, I've got to find my head.

Now, with your other hand,
attempt to lift

your arm off your head -
from underneath.

Just push it. Please do this at home
if you're watching.

You can't do it, can you? No.
You really cannot do it.

The strongest person in the world,

that strong woman, could not Llift
my hand from my head.

It's all done with mechanics.

They're not particularly strong
at all.

That's the trick I learnt
when I was two,

and I'm pleased after all these
years to be able

to share it with you now.

Someone told you that when
you were two?

Yes.
And you remembered it?

Yes. HOW?!

I treasured it. Yeah.

I don't... Never ask Giles
a follow—up question.

We now think that Munch's figure
was in fact inspired

by a Peruvian mummy, which he saw
when he went to a visit

at the Ethnographic Exchange Museum
in Paris.

It's a Chachapoyas warrior who lived
in the Amazon,

maybe around 1,000 years ago.

He's just got his orthodontist bill.

Yes, argh!

Teeth aren't bad for 1,000 years.
They're not bad, are they?

No. No, that's all right.

But when it was brought to Paris,
it did have a big effect

on a lot of people, because
Paul Gauguin is thought

to have been inspired by exactly
the same mummy.

There's a marvellous painting of his
called Where Do We Come From?

What Are We? Where Are We Going?

And if you look down in the bottom
left hand, you can see.

It's thought that he was inspired by
the same 1,000-year—old figure.

That's someone saying, "Nine, ten —
coming, ready or not!”

“I'm on my way! On my way!"

"Put your top on!"

Oh!
"Don't like it! Don't like it!"

"I don't want to.
I like being like this.

"I like being free.
I like being outside.

"Mum!

"You're the only one with
your top off!

"The only one on the beach!"

Here's the thing, we shake hands.

We also shake heads.

I think we've said this before
on this show, Alan.

In some countries, like Bulgaria,
they shake for yes

and nod for no.
Mm.

So we're going to try a little
experiment.

I'm going to ask you a series of
quickfire questions

with yes or no answers, right?

You have to answer immediately,
but whatever answer you give

with your voice, you have to give
the opposite with your head.

Oh! OK? And I'L ping my pinger
if you get it wrong.

Does everybody understand?

You pinging your pinger?
No.

Yes, I do understand.
Yes.

I just want to catch you out.

Yes.
OK, all right. I'm ready.

John, was the first James Bond film
the one about the doctor?

Yes.

I don't know!
That's right.

Is it right?
Yes.

What was the name of the doctor?

Eshaan, do you know what band
featured

the keyboard player Rick Wake man?

No.

You don't know?!
No.

OK...
But it's..

It's...

...Yes!

The band is called Yes.
Yes is the band.

But you didn't know?
I...

THEY LAUGH
No.

So, invisible ink, not the only way
to send secret messages.

You can also do it with eggs.

Does anybody know how?
Oh, with the egg white?

Is it the egg white?
No, with an actual egg.

So you send somebody an egg.
Mm-hm.

This. And it's got a secret message.
But how?

You can see nothing written.

Do you have to put it in something?
Like, liquid?

So it was a 16th century
Italian scholar

called Giambattista delta Porta,

and he was really interested
in cryptography.

He was known as the professor
of secrets,

and he used to use eggs
to send messages.

So what it is, is you leave the egg
in vinegar for four hours.

OK? This softens the shell.

Then you make a tiny little incision
in the shell.

You slot a small message through
the incision,

so the paper sits basically between
the shell and the egg white.

You then repair the cut using some
plant gum or something

and put the egg back into
cold water,

and that will harden the
shell again.

So let me show you.

There we go. Like that.
Whoa!

And in here is a message
that says...

Oh, wow! Wow!
..top secret.

Isn't that great?
That is beautiful!

Yeah.
That is so cool.

That's so cool, isn't it?

Are some of my other records
on your list?

No, darling. What are your
other records?

Oh, well... Oh, I can't believe
I asked you that.

THEY LAUGH

The longest ever screen kiss.

You? Me.

Were you alone?

The record was held for many years
by Regis Toomey and Jane Wyman,

the first wife of Ronald Reagan.
Yes, indeed.

In a film called
You're in the Army Now,

in the 1940s, they had an osculatory
marathon that lasted

about two and a half minutes.

And I thought it'd be rather fun
to see if I could beat this

on screen and be in the Guinness
Book of Records again

for the longest sustained
screen kiss.

And this was in the 1980s,

and I was on a program me
called TV—am

with a lovely presenter,
Anne Diamond.

And she agreed on Valentine's Day
to give it a go.

And so we began kissing.

The clock was ticking, but these
were the early days of TV—am

and we had a mission to explain,

and unfortunately, about two minutes
into our kiss,

we had to go live to Moscow
for coverage

of President Brezhnev's funeral.

THEY LAUGH

You killed Brezhnev?

And it was felt inappropriate.

They wanted to put the picture
in the corner of the screen.

But actually, as Madame Brezhnev
was weeping

and the body was being put into...
they felt it was inappropriate.

Anyway, so we did not break
the record on that occasion.

But a year later, I thought,
"I'm going to do it again."

So here we are, on Valentine's Day,
and there is the lovely

Cheryl Baker from Bucks Fizz.
I remember.

She's still lovely.
She's still brilliant.

Anne said no?
Anne said two minutes was enough.

Anne said, "How's the Russian
president before we start?"

Anyway, the long and the short of it
is I've held the record

for the longest ever screen kiss —
with Cheryl Baker.

Thank you.
Thank you.

What might make you suspect
that someone was a spy?

JAMES GASPS

OK, I've actually got to say
I'm very overqualified for this.

Oh, are you? OK.
Well, I've met a spy.

Have you?
Yeah.

My father's an African politician
in Malawi.

A few years ago, he was arrested.

His office blew up.

And, panicked, he asked me
and my brother

to find him a spy...

DALISO LAUGHS
..essentially...

...to investigate stuff.

And all of this culminated in us
meeting a spy at Wetherspoons.

Was it "Shaken Not Stirred"
Saturdays?

So the nursery rhyme that we were
talking about at the beginning,

that was very first published
in 1813

in Peter Piper's Practical
Principles

of Plain and Perfect
Pronunciation.

And it has a tongue twister
for every single letter

of the alphabet. So here is the one
that we think

is based on this character,
Pierre Poivre.

But this is the S series, so we've
got the rhyme for S.

Who wants to try?
Let's do it.

Do it? Jason? Go for it.

Sammy Smellie smelt a smell
of Small-coal.

Did Sammy Smellie smell a smelt
of Small-coal?

If Sammy Smellie smelt a smell
of Small-coal,

where's the smell of Small—coal
Sammy Smellie smelt?

APPLAUSE
Yay!

Woo!

Wow!

I'm having the same sort of surge
of rage that I used to have

when one of my siblings would get
praised for doing a simple task.

Yeah, yeah. We also haven't...

No, it's amazing.

Whoa, whoa! What are you clapping
that for?

He's just read it!
All right.

All right, Billy Big Balls,
you have a go. Yeah, go on.

Sammy Smellie smelt a smell
of Small-coal.

It's on the bloody screen!
All of it! All of it!

Did Sammy Smellie smell a smelt
of Small-coal?

If Sammy Smellie smelt a smell
of Small-coal,

where's the smell of Small—coal
Sammy Smellie smelt?

Did do it faster.

I don't want applause! It's reading!

Well done, Alan.

OK, no, that's terribly impressive.

Well done.
Oh, my God!

Do you know what Small-coal is?

No, and care not.

So, I'm going to tell you a tragic
and yet sort of farcical story

of one man's attempt to witness
a transit of Venus.

Does anybody know what the transit
of Venus is?

Is that where it lines with
the other planets?

Yeah, amazing.
That's it right there.

It's when the planet of Venus
can be seen passing.

It's like a little tiny shadow
across the face of the Sun.

They happen eight years apart,

but only every century, so the last
pair was 2004 and 2012.

So, in our lifetime, we will never
see this again,

it won't happen.

So, there was a man called
Guillaume Le Gentil,

he lived in the late 18th century.

He was a leading French astronomer,

and he was sent by the Royal Academy
of Sciences to India

to observe the 1761 transit.

So it was all part of a scheme
to measure the distance

from the Earth to the Sun.

So, first of all, he was held
up in Mauritius for a year

due to the war between France
and Britain,

so that disrupted shipping.

What a terrible place to spend
a year. Yeah, a whole year.

A whole year. "I still can't move.
No, it's awful.

"There are no boats here."
HE IMITATES HORN

"Shut up! Stop it!"

"No, I'm stranded."”
HE IMITATES HORN

"Pack it in!"

He's blown off course for five
weeks by monsoon winds.

"I've been blown off course,
you see.”

Chink, chink.

"Put the ice down!"

ALAN BLOWS
"It's terribly windy."

The place that he was going,
Pondicherry,

was conquered by the British,
so he couldn't land there.

That meant that, on the day
of the transit,

he was still at sea

and he couldn't do precise
measurements.

So he thought, there's another
one in eight years' time.

So he stayed. "I'll go back to
Mauritius for five years."

He did. He was determined not to
miss the 1769 transit,

so he gets up in the morning,

he has a lovely dinner
with the governor.

It's a beautiful thing.

And then what did he see?

Clouds. Clouds.

Oh!
Transit came and went.

Entirely invisible.

He never saw it.

He spent two weeks almost
unable to speak.

And then he got dysentery.

THEY LAUGH

That'll have been the ice
in the drink.

But what about when you get
to the last box

and you realise you've got two
eights in it?

Yeah. Yeah.

And somewhere right in the depths
of it, there's a mistake.

You'll never find it.

And you've been doing it
for four weeks.

You get your pencil,

repeatedly stab yourself
in the palm of the hand

and then smear blood on your face.

But you'd only do that
in a lock down. Yeah.

It's all right.

Would you like to stroke my pussy?
THEY LAUGH

Seriously. There you go.

Have a stroke of my pussy.
You'll feel better.

CAT SHRIEKS

Whoever is on sound duty is on
the top of their game.

Because...

...you riffed that on the spot,

and as soon as it went towards you,
they were like, bam!

And they were just...

Give that person a Bafta.

People don't appreciate how
good that was.

Brilliant.

It was Lizzie in sound.
Lizzie in sound.

She's got a real cat.
CAT SHRIEKS

Come here, come here. Quick, quick.
Stay in the room, stay in the room.

And a very sharp pencil.

OK, so have a look at this.

Whoa! It looks like a flat
window with one end

shorter than the other.

I'm just going to make sure that you
guys can see this. Yeah. Like this.

It's called the Ames window.

I'm too short to do
this sitting down,

so I'm going to spin it

and just look at the effect
that it has...

Oh, I don't like that.
..when it's spinning.

Isn't it interesting?
It appears to stop halfway.

It doesn't look like it's spinning
all the way around.

Yeah, that's the thing.
That is REALLY weird!

I thought you just weren't doing
it right. No, I am spinning it.

I thought you were just getting
ready to do it.

I'm spinning it all the way around,
but it appears to stop halfway

and go back the other way. Oh! Whoa!

Oh, stop it!

Oh, my God! Have a look at this.
Put a pencil through the window.

You can stick things on or through
the window

and then the objects appear
to lift... Oh, my God!

...out of the window.
No way! Oh, my God.

What's the absolute...please...

Isn't it weird? ..what's going on?

So weird. I know.

There's an... Even more apparently
ambiguous is the head bobble.

So this is a form of non—verbal
communication.

It's commonly found in India,
Pakistan and Sri Lanka.

So according to... Hi, guys.
LAUGHTER

I'm looking at John. According to

a behaviourist from Tamil Nadu,
Pradeep Chakravarthy,

it may have evolved to give
a deliberately ambiguous signal,

so it's a sort of you can
disagree with somebody

while not saying anything. That's
it, yes. That's the head bobble.

It means yes, no, maybe,
it means everything really.

We do it in Bangladesh as well.
Right.

But you're being noncommittal,
is that it? Yeah, and you're...

Do it and I'll give you the verbal. The
movement is more from the chin. Right.

So it's just a...

Yasss, queen.

But this neck move is very clearly
kind of like a no, isn't it?

You know it's a no.

Well, I would... In the gay world,
we disagree. That's like,

"Get over here."

That is great! Yes, queen!
Yes! No!

Another swallowing phenomenon
of the era is one of my favourite

vaudeville acts of all time,
the great Hadji Al

The Great Regurgitator.

So this guy, he was billed
as The Egyptian Enigma.

One of the things I like about him
is this is Judy Garland's

favourite vaudeville act, OK?

So he would swallow...
"I love him!"

"I think he's fabulous!"

He would swallow increasingly
improbable things and then reproduce

them in an order specified
by the audience.

Oh, brilliant! So he could swallow
50 hazelnuts and an almond

and bring the almond up at the
moment requested by the audience.

No! Yeah. And his greatest...

"What a great show!"

I love that! The almond!

His greatest trick, right?

He would swallow some kerosene,
then some water, then he would

regurgitate the kerosene,
set it on fire,

regurgitate the water from
six feet away

and put the fire out.

How do you discover
you're good at that?!

This is Le Petomane in reverse,
isn't it?

It is exactly Le Petomane
in reverse.

Le Petomane was a similar period,
I think. Yes, I think that's

about right. A similar vintage of
act, and he was somebody

who broke wind. Out of his backside,
Le Petomane could blow out candles

at a distance. Darling, he could do

the whole of the La Marseillaise,
apparently. Oh, yes!

You can do that.
No, I can't do that.

I can't... Look, all... Look, OK?

Rosie and I spent a lot of 2018
and "19 on tour together,

and I... All that would happen is,
I'd have a Nando's slightly

too close to the show and,
unfortunately, there wasn't as much

privacy in the dressing rooms

of the regional art centres
of the United Kingdom.

And so, just every so often
I'd hear Rosie go, "Can you not?"

You cannot imagine the stench!

Has anybody ever smelt a skunk?
Yes. Yes, I have.

So, if they are facing you with
their bottom and their face

at the same moment, you are in
terrible, terrible trouble.

The spraying they do is actually
usually the last resort,

but the little spotted ones — you
can see the one on the outside —

will do a handstand to warn
predators, and they'll even charge

while doing a sort of headstand
before they unleash the stink.

But, I mean, it can be terrible.
If it is an intense, targeted attack

and they aim right for your face,

I mean, it's enough to knock
a human out.

That would be a hell of a routine
at the rhythmic gymnastics. Yeah.

And also, the thing is about their
scent glands, they're right by the

bottoms, they're the size of grapes,
and they have these hugely powerful

muscles and they squirt
the spray up to ten feet.

Listen, if we could do it,
we would do it. I had a friend,

and I'm sure I've talked
about him on this show before,

and we used to call him The Squirt.

What was his skill set?

Well, there was a pub that we used
to go to and in the toilets,

there was a row of urinals and then
high up, there were windows,

I mean, about eight feet up.

No way! Not too high for The Squirt.
Whoa!

He could stand in front of the
urinal and wee out the window.

It was a really brilliant thing
to do!

Wow! It's the sort of thing

that girls just never know
about each other, do they?

No, you'd never greet somebody in
the pub and go,

"Oh, here comes Lucy, 'The Squirt'."

"All right, Luce!

"How's your windows?"
And did you all just,

did you stand, just watching?
Yeah! Yes?!

What is wrong with you?! You would
stand watching that!

No, I would not stand... Someone is
weeing eight foot up in the air

and you'd be like, "Oh, I don't need
to see it"? Out of a window?!

I think I'd have to give that
a look. If that started happening,

I would continue to watch.

I'm not sure if I'd make
the trip. Yeah.

I think if he'd pointed
at the urinal,

he'd have driven himself backwards
back into the pub.

Do you know what happened to him?
He emigrated to Australia.

Under his own steam!

Shadow portraits, you know,
the portraits where you just get

the, sort of, outline of a person
done in black. Yes.

They're known as silhouettes and it
is because his, well, the normal

explanation, his austerity policies,
which eventually got him fired,

caused his name to be associated
with sort of general thriftiness.

And these were cheaper portraits
for people who couldn't afford

to have oil portraits.

I think they're very beautiful,
but it's not for me to say.

We have an expert with us. Please
welcome master silhouettist,

Charles Burns. There he is.

Charles, tell me, how did you learn
to be a silhouettist?

How did that happen?

When I left art college, I worked
for a number of years as a street

portrait artist in Covent Garden,
drawing portraits originally,

and then I started cutting
silhouettes more or less

as a sideline, but they completely
took over my life.

They became very popular
in Europe when they came over,

didn't they, from France?
They did.

They became very popular throughout
the 18th and early 19th centuries,

but they, they died out really when
photography was invented and all the

silhouette artists went out of
business. Which I think is a great shame.

In fact, studios used to be equipped
sometimes with a physionog...physio...

A physionotrace is the word
you're looking for, yes.

Yes. The physionotrace was like
an arm, like a metal bar,

which used to be passed
around someone's profile,

and at the other end of the bar
was a little pencil,

which on a small piece of paper,
would draw upside down

and in reverse their profile.

But you don't do anything as a...

No, I rely entirely on a pair
of scissors... A pair of scissors.

...and a technique I call
cut and hope. OK.

I like that.

So, you're going to do our silhouettes
while we're carrying on chatting.

Yes. So can I get you to sit
and carry on with...

I shall go and explore your profile.
..your cutting away?

Helen of Troy had a face that
launched how many ships?

Careful, Maisie.

Oh, Maisie, what is it?
Come on, Maisie!

I can't remember the number now.
Help me out here, Maisie.

Oh, shall I do it for you, Maisie?
1,000.

Hey!

But at the time there weren't
1,000 ships in the world.

There weren't enough shipbuilders.

Yeah, yeah, something like that.

There weren't any oceans.

There was no such thing...
No—one had sailed anywhere.

No?

None of those?

People rowed. People rowed.
They didn't launch ships.

They didn't have a slip thing.

They didn't have
the champagne bottle.

They would take the ship out
a bit at a time.

She didn't have a face.
She was faceless!

There are two British artists,
Tim Noble and Sue Webster.

They developed a technique

and they create silhouettes
from heaps of junk.

They started their work in 1997.

This is one of their pieces
that was at the Royal Academy,

so that's just junk.

It's old wood and rusty tools
and toilet roll

and all sorts of things.
And that's them in silhouette.

That's amazing. I think it's one of
the best things I've ever seen.

I think Charles is finished.

Darling, are you going to reveal
for us? I can reveal for you, yes.

All right. So we'll have Victoria
first. OK.

There she is. There we are.
There you are. Oh! Wow!

APPLAUSE

Just take a couple of inches
off the nose, just...

LAUGHTER

Right. Shall we do Alan?

Oh! Oh, wow.

Yes! That's great.

Oh, look at the very little
hair detail at the top.

Yeah, it's amazing.

APPLAUSE

Eshaan?

As long as I don't look like rubbish
in this one. Right.

HE SNORTS, LAUGHTER

I look so much older!

But the glasses are so brilliant.
Yeah, the glasses are brilliant.

That's so clever.

Right. John, let's try you,
darling.

Oh, you handsome devil.

So handsome!

APPLAUSE

Brilliant! You're so handsome
even as a cut—out. Wow.

I think those are brilliant.
So you...

You were literally just doing that
with a pair of scissors?

Yes. That's amazing!
A freehand cut with scissors.

I can't even cut a straight line
on wrapping paper.

Straight lines are much harder.
Charles, it's been such a pleasure.

Thank you. Thank you. Thanks.

APPLAUSE

How would you use this
to send a secret message?

That's going to need a big egg.

Someone would know the cypher

and so E B...

You don't need to know anything.

Oh, is it the way you fold it?
Does it then make a message?

It is the way you wrap it around
something. It's called a scytale.

It's an ancient Greek way
to hide messages.

So all it required was that
the person sending

and the person receiving had
the same size stick. That's cool.

And then you would just send this,

which could be wrapped up
quite small,

and you wrap it around like this

and it says,
"This is a scytale."

Wow! Isn't it clever?
That's really clever.

I know! I'd love it if you'd got it,
and that was the message.

And then you just had to reply,
"I know what a scytale is!”

"It was my idea to use them.

"Can you please stick to the plan?

"We're trying to bring down
the government here.

"I don't need you to tell me what
the equipment is that we're using.”

They reckon female bootleggers
outnumbered men

by about five to one. I mean,
it was a really... Really? Yeah.

In some states, it was illegal
for women to be strip—searched,

so they would provoke officers
by saying,

"Ooh, it's hidden down the bra,"
or, you know, wherever,

and threaten to sue the officers
if they...

Don't know why
I suddenly turned into...

You're always like that
with the police. I know!

The sworn enemies
were two prohibition agents

called Isidor "Izzy" Einstein

and his partner, Moe Smith,
and there they are.

They specialised in costumes,

so they would turn up as
German pickle packers,

Hungarian violinists or whatever.

My favourite is that several times
Einstein,

who's the one on the right, went
into a bar and identified himself

as a prohibition agent,

and the barman thought
it was hilarious and let him in.

LAUGHTER

To be fair to those two gents,

if they were going to disguise
themselves as anything,

it would be people who were
too drunk at a bar.

Yeah, but wait till you see some
of the disguises. So look at this.

LAUGHTER

I love the one on the right.

Oh, yes!

That's very Some Like It Hot.

Can you name any South American
countries due south of Mexico?

Brazil?

KLAXON

It's going to be...none of them.

Is it Argentina?

KLAXON

But what is it?
There aren't any?

Chile!

KLAXON

I could do this all day!

What do you reckon, Alan?

Well, it feels like there can't be
any, then. There aren't.

OK. Must be twisted around. Yes.

So when you look at the map,

the whole of the South American
mainland is east of Mexico.

Indeed, 99% of it
is east of Florida.

The only exception is Easter Island,

which does politically
belong to Chile.

So you could have said Chile...
I did actually say Chile.

Did you? Yeah, so scrub that.

Yeah. That was right. Sorry!

KLAXON

One way to remember that
South America sticks out like that

is to sort of imagine it
on its side.

And then the Americas look
uncannily like a duck.

If we can swivel that around
like that...

Oh, wow. That's very cool, isn't it?
Yeah.

I mean, it helps that
you've coloured it in.

Yeah, I think that's true. A lot of
things can look like a duck

when they're coloured like a duck.

Which country are ponchos from?

Mexico?

KLAXON

Shall we go through other countries?

Let's do lots of countries.
Central and South America? Bolivia.

Bolivia, no. Portugal. No.

ROSIE: Peru. ALAN: England!

England? I want it to be England.
Is it Denmark? Denmark.

LAUGHTER

No. What did you say then?
Peru.

Is correct.
SCREAMS: Yeah!

LAUGHTER

This is the greatest moment
of my life.

Yes! You knew that, right?
It wasn't a guess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

She's got a few follow—up questions
about how you knew it.

No, it's not all about me.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE