QI (2003–…): Season 19, Episode 13 - Sun, Sea & Sandi - full transcript
*QI*
Season 19 Episode 13
APPLAUSE
SEAGULLS SQUAWK
Episode Title: "Sun, Sea & Sandi"
Aired on: February 04, 2022.
Ahoy, there!
And welcome to a bright and balmy
episode of QI down by the briny.
Joining me for a saunter
down the shore tonight
are a supersized strongman,
Lou Sanders.
APPLAUSE
A seven-stone softie, Sindhu Vee.
APPLAUSE
A sun-kissed stunner, Ed Gamble.
APPLAUSE
And stomping on everyone's
sand castles, Alan Davies!
APPLAUSE
Before we dive in, let's hold our
seashel to our ears.
Lou goes...
♪ We're all going on a
summer holiday... ♪
Sindhu goes...
♪ Sand and sea... ♪
Oh, nice.
♪ Sea and sand ♪
Ed goes...
♪ Lazint on a sunny afternoon... ♪
Alan goes...
♪ I wanna have sex on the beach... ♪
THEY LAUGH
Come on, move your body...
I mean, lower the tone.
So, these photographic cut-out
boards were invented
in the 189Os in Cairo.
Photographic studios would cut
a hole
in an actual ancient sarcophagus,
right,
so that tourists could pose as
an Ancient Egyptian mummy.
And the idea caught on,
and eventual they thought,
"We haven't got enough ancient
sarcophagi,
"so we'll make a few fake ones and
then you could be the Sphinx
"and so on," and the idea to0k off.
This particular photograph
is one of my favourites.
It shows the Archduke
Franz Ferdinand,
the one who went on to spark
World War I
by being assassinated
in Sarajevo.
Anyway, it's him on holiday
in Cairo.
- That looks like my dad in
a sleeping bag. - Yes.
LAUGHTER
The big question, Alan, for you -
hats on or hats off?
- I keep thinking it's going to fall.
- Yeah.
It lo0ks nice on you.
You look very dapper.
Well, that's very kind.
Very Maurice Chevalier.
I'm enjoying your sun hat as well.
Yeah, it's going.
That's it. There we go.
Can I just say, I've never seen
you two flirting before
and I really enjoy it.
Do you know? Neither of us has been
out for a year.
It's worked wonders for
our relationship.
Anyway, on with the questions.
Where in mainland Britain is closest
to French soil
Has Cafe Rouge got a garden?
That's...
That's the only place.
I mean, I've driven past.
I - I don't know.
Any other guesses?
I tm happy just to say Dover.
KLAXON
- Come on, letts get this going
- Sweet of you to get us started.
- I like that.
- Letts get it rolling.
- Itts QI, baby!
- I like that very much.
OK, I'm going to give you a clue.
French Lieutenant's Woman.
Anyone remember where it to0k place?
Lyme Regis.
After decades of coastal erosion
washing away all the sand
at Lyme Regis, they had to basical
rebuild the beaches,
and 30, OOO tonnes of sand
were shipped
from northern France.
So I guess you could say that
the closest bit
of French coastline that you can
enjoy is in Dorset.
First of al they had to
remove groynes.
All the old groynes.
ED LAUGHS
I've had to do that before.
You've had to do that?
What do you mean? There was groynes
in the sand?
Do you know what a groyne is?
I do actually know this
from GCSE geography.
It's the barriers all the way
along the beach.
Stops the beach getting swept along.
Yeah, it comes from the Latin
"to grunt"
and apparent it used to lo0k
like a pig's snout.
I don't think so.
Do you think so?
What, my groyne? Or...?
THEY LAUGH
I wasn't...
I wasn't going to go
that low, but...
She was going to keep to here.
Or, for me, that high.
Then they added shingle
to add some ballast
to stop the whole beach
washing away.
The whole lot was shipped over
from northern France,
and they thought about lots of
different kinds of sand.
But it was the wrong colour,
it was the wrong size -
you know, everything about it
wasn't right.
And then they got 6, OOO tonnes
of Norwegian rock
brought over to strengthen
the cliffs.
And so the town's new sea wall
is ao constructed
out of Portuguese and Chinese
granite.
So it's a Portuguese, Chinese,
Norwegian, French seafront.
It would've been great after Brexit
if France had gone,
"All right, then. We're having
Lyme Regis back.
"We'll have Lyme Regis, thank you
very much."
As well as being created, beaches
can spontaneous vanish.
So there was a violent storm off
the coast of County Mayo's
Achill lsland in 1984,
and it washed away the entire beach.
There was a 3OO metre beach,
called Dooagh Beach,
and the local community woke up one
morning and it had entire gone.
What was in its place, though?
Just rocks and pebbles.
And it was terrible for tourism.
It was just awful.
And then, in 2O17, there was unusual
tidal activity
and it all washed back again.
No, it didn't!
Yeah, it did. It all washed
back again.
And all the jobs started up again,
and all the tourism.
And then, in 2O19...
- Yeah, gone.
- No!
I n Denmark, sometimes the beach
is like this
and sometimes the beach
is like this,
and you never know which one
youtre going to get. Yeah.
And where is David Blaine
when this is happening?
THEY LAUGH
Where did it go?
Wel I mean, it just erodes,
and it is a serious problem.
I n fact, because of it,
there's a thing called the
Coastal Protection Act 1949,
and you're not allowed to take any
pebbles or sand from UK beaches.
Oh!
You can be fined 1, OOO.
You could be forced to return
all the stuff.
Because we have to protect them,
because, frank,
the ocean's taking enough.
Do you want to have a word
with the props manager?
- I don't know where...
- THEY LAUGH
And also now, if we need more sand,
the French will say ttnontt.
But the Italians are even
more fierce about it.
You can get six years in prison.
I n fact, in 2O19, the security
services at Cag-liari Airport,
I think it's called. The one
in Sardinia, anyway.
- Cagliari.
- Cagliari? Cagliari.
They confiscated 2OOkg
of sand from tourists
in a couple of weeks.
Just taking the sand home?
Just taking the sand home.
Yeah. Like, in a container.
Like, as a personal souvenir.
Well, I think we all accidentally
take a little bit of sand home.
Yes, but if it's all of us,
you know - beach gone.
But I just mean, if you're
going for a swim
and there's sand washing around,
we're all accidentally
smuggling some.
Oh, do you mean in your orifices?
Yeah. Yes.
I n your groyne?
I n your pig -snouty groyne?
ALAN SNORTS
I've got loads of sand.
" I'm sorry, Paolo,
"I took some sand home
in my snout!"
But what is real amazing,
if you lo0k at sand samples under
a microscope,
lo0k at the variety of materia
and shapes that it comes in.
So, when you lo0k at sand, it lo0ks
quite homogenous to the naked eye.
It does. Don't you think that's
like a cheese board?
But you can see detail within
the tiny particles.
It's amazing, isn't it?
Nature is quite good in the end.
I...
LAUGHTER
If you take nothing ee
away with you,
take that thought.
What are the main problems
with living in a sand castle?
You get too much sand in your
lo0-lo0 la - la.
I n your lo0-lo0 la-la?
Yes, lo0-lo0 la-la and groynes.
There we go.
I like lo0-lo0 la-la. Did your
mother call it that? No, no.
The kids came up with it.
Loo-loo la-la?
Loo-loo la - la. And theytd run around
saying lo0-lo0 la - la.
And then my mother started singing
it one day in the kitchen.
♪ Loo-loo la - la... ♪
I was like, tt No, no.
TtThatts not... No. Tt
We don't sing that.
No, we dontt.
Just dontt.
So there's going to be one,
is there? A real one?
What, a real problem?
A real sand castle.
Like, liveable with rooms?
We may get to that.
But first of al we're talking
about creatures
that live in sand castles.
What?
I know!
There are sand castle worms, OK?
Ooh!
Yeah, they are called -
and I probab will
mispronounce this -
phragmatopoma californica.
So they live along the
Californian coast
and they live their entire life
in castles made of sand,
which they build themselves.
Ooh!
They are fantastic.
So, picture on the left, there -
that is a single sandworm.
And the tentacles that it's got
on its head -
that's those things you can see
sticking out like that -
they sort through grains of sand.
And so they select ones that are
the suitable size,
and then they secrete a compound
from their body, which honest,
it's a sort of underwater glue.
So then these other pictures
are a whole lot of them.
Each little hole, each little tube
is a single sand worm,
and then they all live together.
AUDl ENCE: Wow.
Yes, wow! I know, right?
What's import...
Thank you.
What's important for us is that this
cement that they secrete,
it's like an underwater glue,
and it might be that it has amazing
medical applications. Wow.
It might be the sort of thing that
can glue bones back together
instead of using metal pins.
I tried to get worms once.
You tried to actual get them?
Yeah.
To make yourseff lose weight?
Yeah.
OK. And I put a piece of raw meat...
LOU LAUGHS
...on my bum.
Bacon wrapped in bacon?
W-What was it, darling?
Nothing happened.
No, what was the meat?
I can't remember. I was only
about 11.
Chop? Was it a chop?
Oh, a lovely lamb chop on the bot?
You'd hope so, wouldn't you?
Itts interesting to know, Lou,
that youtre vegan,
but your bottom isntt.
Yes!
Do you know, in the Tour de France,
years and years ago,
before they had lots of sort
of medical things and so on,
the gentlemen on the Tour de France
used to put a steak
down their trousers to stop
it rubbing, right,
when they were bicycling.
And then it was ful tenderised
when they got there,
then they'd co0k it
for their supper.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Urgh!
That's my gift to you.
Wow.
You'd have to keep an eye on it
to make sure you got your steak
back again?
Yes, you wouldn't want your
friend's steak, would you?
Oh, boy!
From your friend's lo0-lo0 la-la.
That's not...
Yeah.
No.
Anyway, each of these worms
is about an inch long
and they live in tunne about
six inches long,
but they can live in a city.
And they're amazing. They're
constructed on the shore.
And so what happens is, they're
underwater at high tide,
but they're exposed at low tide.
So, during low tide, they kind of
hunker down and they seal up
cos they don't want anything
to get them.
But when it's high tide, they pop
their head out
with these love little tentacles
and fish.
They go fishing for microscopic
food that's happening past
and grab grains of sand to improve
the home.
What do you think the main problem
these worms might have,
given that they never leave
the tunnel
and they always face outwards?
Is it going to the loo?
Yes, darling.
Do they gradually fill up
their tunnel?
They would. If they just defecated,
it would just be full of poo.
So they don't defecate?
No, they do.
But it's so clever, OK?
It's the sort of thing a little boy
goes, "Oh, I want to do that!"
OK, they have a rectum at the end of
the body like most anima,
but there's a long tube that comes
haffway up the body,
it po0s on its own back
and then it simp shrugs the faecal
pellet up its body
and out the tube.
I'm quite envious of any creature
that can come up
with a pellet like that.
Yeah.
I 'd love to have a faecal pellet.
Yeah.
It would transform lavatory design,
wouldn't it,
because it would be more like
Marble Run
or something like that.
You could have some fun with it.
You could just launch it off.
Yeah. Do you think you could teach
yourself to fire it
and maybe set targets up
in the bathroom?
Well, I think after a while,
there's bound to be...
There's bound to be competitive
pelleting, isn't there?
Ed, dare to dream.
How far can it go, though?
THEY LAUGH
Anyway, they are astonishing
interesting.
So some squirt sperm up
into the water
and some squirt eggs up into the
water, and larvae are created.
And then what happens is they can
smell the very cement
that holds the sand castle city
together,
and they go back to where
they came from.
Sandi, do you think nature's
actually quite good
in the end as well?
I'll be honest, Lou. I'm coming
round to it. I am.
There is a human who lives in
a sand castle,
and his name is Marcio Matolias.
He's ao known in Rio de janeiro
as King Marcio,
and he's a sand sculptor.
He makes his money from tourists,
and ao from a used book shop
which he runs from a
three-square-metre castle
that has been his home for
over 20 years.
And itts made of sand?
It's made of sand.
That's his... where he lives.
He lives inside that sand castle.
His main problems are the elements -
so his castle can collapse if
there's a very heavy storm.
It gets UNBEARABLY hot
in the summer.
It's got no toilets and he hasn't
got a tube.
You know, he can't do the... thing.
So he has to go to the fire station
if he wants to...
Theytre all right with that,
are they?
Apparent. It costs a dollar
each time he goes. I don't know...
Hets saving a lot on rent,
I suppose.
He's lived rent-free for more
than 20 years.
Doesn't the sea wash it away?
The trick is to build it above
the tide mark. Right.
I n the lay-by off the A4.
I td worry about bullies coming
and kicking it down.
Wel it's funny you should
say that.
Because probab the very first
reference to a sand castle
being kicked over - arguab
in the Iliad,
which is the seventh century BC.
Homer described Apollo,
God of the Sun,
demolishing a Greek stockade,
and compared it to
a child kicking over
a sand sculpture.
So we haven't real matured,
have we, darling?
Anyway, we thought we'd get you to
make your own sand castle
or sand sculpture, so you've each
got a tray of sand.
Here we are. Like this.
Ooh!
And there's a bucket of water
you'll need as well. Yes.
OK, it needs to be real wet.
That is the thing.
Have you not got a bucket of water?
Yeah, but I don't really want
to get messy. Oh, I see!
I quite like a prissy child.
I to0k my daughter out -
she was seven.
The whole class, we all went
and had burgers.
There was a little boy
who was very particular.
I said, "Do you want a burger,
darling?" He said,
"I wonder if the chef might
do a salad?"
LAUGHTER
So that's it.
Yes! Oh, Sindhu's doing
fine work here.
I'm just going to tip all mine
in there.
Oh, you're just going to go
crazy for it, yeah.
But apparent the wetter it is...
The guy who lives in the sand
castle on the beach in Rio
has to keep wetting it
otherwise it collapses.
Oh, no.
What? What?
Mine looks like rather a nice dahl.
Does it feel nice? Does it feel like
a nice...?
All I'm trying to do is get all
my sand in the bucket. Right.
I think I made mine too wet.
Oh, a bit to0...
Sindhu's doing very well.
Well, I mean, I am from the country
of Taj Mahal.
I have a lot to live up to here.
And I go to Brighton now and again,
so a lot of pressure on me
as well. OK.
Oh, it just looks like my bucket's
got the shits.
Oh.
Has it not come out?
It looks like it didn't make
it to the fire station.
Just put a bucket over it.
Oh, no, no.
Right, I think, let's have a lo0k.
Sindhu, do you want to describe
what you've made here?
Well, it's a house.
There's some really nice parents
that live on this floor... Right.
...and they've had a fight...
Oh... so now they're building
two separate houses.
Wow. It's like a soap opera.
Yeah, yeah.
Can I just ask Sindhu, howts your
marriage? Is it all right?
I've been married 23 years, Lou,
no-one is going anywhere now.
Ed, what have you made, my darling?
Mine is a satirical piece
about climate change.
Yes, it lo0ks like a breast implant.
It's also a breast implant. OK.
Oh, Alan you got some out the
bucket. Creating a mezzanine level.
Love. Lou, do you want
to describe yours?
It's just sort of classic
piece, really. Hm.
Oh, hang on.
Oh, that's it.
Yeah, I think I'm going to...
Lou's the winner. Lou's the winner.
OK, let's put the sand castles
away, shall we?
My favourite childho0d memory
was building sand castles
with my grandfather, until my mum
took the urn from me.
I'm here all week.
Where would you slip on
this swish ensemble?
That's where it went.
OK. Well, not on the beach,
judging by how pale the model is.
Yes, darling.
I n the olden days over here
on the beach.
Yes, exact that. Really?
It's a woman's wool bathing suit.
It actual dates from the 187Os
in the United States, but women
in the 19th century were expected
to bathe in full-length dresses,
gowns made of thick material
that didn't become
transparent when wet.
And they quite often used
to have weights in the hem.
They didn't want it to float up,
right? There's no point in having
a dress on and it sudden goes up
like that.
So you've got weights
and woollen material.
How many women just drowned
from that? Thousands.
Yes. Thousands and thousands.
All of that changed in the 19OOs.
There was a wonderful woman
called Annette Kellerman.
She was an Australian swimmer.
She became one of the very first
women to public wear
a one-piece bathing suit. This is
not a picture of Annette Kellerman.
This is women having their suits
measured to see if they were allowed
to be on the beach.
You can see why they weren't allowed
that, because it is very erotic.
Quite risque, isn't it?
Wel Annette Kellerman,
the very first time she appeared
in 19O7 on a beach in Massachusetts,
wearing a one-piece suit,
she was arrested
for public indecency.
The judge was very sweet
about it. He said,
"Yes, I can see it's more
comfortable for swimming."
So after that, she had to wear
a cape to the edge of the shore.
The guy you've got to watch out
for is the guy who volunteers
to measure the swimming...
To do the measuring.
Yeah, yeah. Itts Alan!
Hets got the same hat as Alan.
All right, I'll do it.
She's a real interesting
woman, Annette Kellerman.
She's real worth looking at.
She was born in 1887,
and she suffered from rickets
as a child, and so she was sent
to have swimming lessons
in order to improve.
It was kind of physiotherapy,
and she was so good at it
that she started appearing
in competitions and giving
performances in Melbourne.
She would dress as a mermaid
and swim with fish in an aquarium.
I mean, it's a living.
Is that her? That's her.
Yeah, isn't that extraordinary? Wow.
She became a movie star, actual,
in the United States and she
performed all her own stunts.
She once dove 6O fo0t into a po0l
full of crocodiles.
Oh. She was the very first person
to appear nude in a Holwood movie.
This is her in a movie called
A Daughter Of The Gods.
It was made in 1916.
It was the very first film
that cost $1 million.
It to0k 20, OOO people to make
this film.
It to0k eight months, and we don't
have a copy of it any more.
Oh, no. But isn't she beautiful
Yeah. You see, just out of frame
there's the guy
with his measuring stick going,
"I'm not sure this is regulation."
"No, I don't think it's any go0d."
The modern bikini -
any idea when that turns up?
When do we first get the bikini?
'60s? No, earlier than that - '46.
Oh. This is not actual a bikini.
This is called the Atome.
So this is the French designer
jacques Heim, and he designed
the Atome, which is this one.
Advertised as the world's
smallest bathing suit.
And then a man called Louis Reard
said his would be smaller
than the world's smallest
bathing suit,
and he called it the bikini
after the Bikini Atoll.
So it's all to do with
the atomic bomb
that they were experimenting with.
Nuclear tests were done
on the Bikini Atoll.
So bikini - it just means
"coconut place" in Marshallese.
Do you know this particular bikini
reminds me that when I was eight
years old, I came home from school
and my mother was serving us lunch
in a bikini, and we said, "Well, why
are you wearing a bikini?"
She said, " Because I can't wear
it outside. It's not modest.
"It's so beautiful so I'll just wear
it in the house."
So...
She just wore her bikini all day,
and then when my dad got home
she changed and I said,
"Why don't you have your bikini on?"
She said, " Because it's
very immodest.
"He will have a shock and heart
attack," and we were like,
"Oh, we don't what that."
What a secret weapon to have.
"I've had enough of you."
Exactly.
But it was exactly like that,
you know? Fril bikinis.
Polka-dotted frilly bikini.
Wel let's have another question.
How do Germans spoil
your Spanish holiday?
By showing up.
GASPS
They always want to hog the places.
KLAXON
Has some research been done
and it turns out it was us?
Yes, that's part of the truth.
It's to do with Mr Hitler.
To do with Mr Hitler and why the
Germans spoil your Spanish holiday.
So, he is responsible for the fact
that you have to change your watch
every time you travel
between Britain and Spain.
What happened was, in 1942,
General Franco -
he switched Spain from Greenwich
Mean Time to Central European Time
to match Berlin's clocks
in solidarity with Hitler,
and bumped the whole
country forward an hour.
And the resu is that Spain is not
in its natural time zone.
Not the worst thing
that Hitler's done.
No, no, darling.
So the one that would maximise the
amount of sunlight during the day
is not the zone that Spain is in.
There are many parts of Spain
that are west of Greenwich, and yet
it's an hour ahead.
And so during the summer
on the west coast of Spain, the sun
is direct overhead at 20 to three
in the afternoon,
which makes no sense at all.
Would he mind if we put it back?
Wel I don't know why they don't.
It just would make sense,
wouldn't it?
Call me. Call you. Lou in charge.
Now, the idea that - since you first
came up with the idea -
the Germans might hog the sun
loungers by getting up ear
and placing the towe upon them
is not true.
It is something that has been lodged
in the British psyche since 1993,
and it's due to
a Carling Black Label ad.
They ran an ad where a British
person threw a towel from his room
to a lounger, and it skimmed
across the pool like a bouncing bomb
to the theme of The Dam Busters.
So the Germans are very upset
that this continues to be a thing.
So in 2O14, they did
an investigation - Bild newspaper -
into it, and they claimed, according
to their observations in Spanish
resorts, the British are by far
the largest culprits for doing this.
Though when they interviewed one
British holiday-maker,
they insisted it's the French.
Right, who invented sunbathing?
I don't know much trivia, but...
I thought that was it.
I know nothing.
Nothing.
But my mother said once,
she said, "You must go to school
"with the umbrella
because you are very dark.
"Sunbathing is only allowed
by the lady who would do it.
"She was Coco Chanel. Coco Chanel -
"she could do sunbathing
because she was so fair.
"Not like you, over dark.
Take the umbrella."
So I had to go to school
with an umbrella.
Wel it is often thought that Coco
Chanel invented suntanning
but, in fact, she didn't
real originate it.
It was the Sun newspaper.
It was the Sun newspaper, yes,
that decided it was the thing.
There's a weahy American
socialite couple called
Gerald and Sara Murphy.
This is a wonderful picture
of Gerald and Sara on the left,
and Cole Porter, who's one
of their friends, and a woman called
Genevieve Carpenter, who just seems
to be there to hold Cole up.
And they went to the French Riviera
in the 192Os, and they became famous
as party and holiday hosts.
Up until then, people had on gone
to the Riviera in the winter,
and they persuaded the Hotel de Cap
to remain open for the summer.
And everybody came.
So Zelda and F. Scott Fitzgerald,
Ernest Hemingway, Pablo Picasso,
Dorothy Parker, Cole Porter
in the picture there,
and they invented the idea
of beach time and sunbathing.
They used to get everybody to
come for picnics,
and they used to
start games on the beach.
It's so weird to think it
had never happened before.
People had gone to the beach to go
swimming, but they hadn't thought,
"We'll just stop for a bit."
Why was it unfashionable
before then to have a tan?
Why do you think that was?
Because it showed
you worked outside.
Yeah, that you had what
could on be described
as a lower-class job.
You worked outdoors.
Anyway, Coco Chanel is worth talking
about because she's often said
to have sort of single-handed...
There she is on the left.
She came back
from a Mediterranean cruise.
Crazy Coco. Crazy. Came back with
a tan in 1923 from a cruise
and everybody went crazy for it.
But she's real probab just
putting the icing on what
was already chic, and it was chic
because of the woman on the right.
This is the world's first female
global sports celebrity.
She was a tennis player
called Suzanne Lenglen,
and she played in short sleeves.
I mean, lo0k at that. I n 1919,
she had a deep tan.
She was the on female
player to serve overarm.
She drank cognac between sets.
I know.
And she won 241 titles
during her career.
So if you think, you know,
at this very moment, Serena Williams
has got 98 titles -
Suzanne Lenglen, 241.
And part of the reason why
Wimbledon is where it is now
is that the former courts,
which were on a place called
Worple Road, could not cope
with the number of fans
who came to see her. Wow.
I know. She's amazing. And then
tanned skin became all the rage.
Right, now, I want you to imagine
you're all at sea.
Would you prefer the screw
or the paddle?
Who's on the boat?
Screw. You're going to go for screw.
Yeah. I tll take the paddle.
You'll take the paddle.
Yeah. Screw is correct.
So, we are talking about ships.
After the Napoleonic Wars, Britain
was, I mean, undoubted the world's
foremost naval superpower.
But you're still talking about
wooden ships propelled by sai.
And then passenger ships began
to move towards steel and they began
to move towards being steamships.
And the Navy so0n followed,
and the question was,
which was going to be the best
for these boats - was it going
to be the paddle on either side
or the screw propellers?
So they had a tug of war -
I love this - between two virtual
identical ships - HMS Rattler -
which had a propeller - and HMS
Alecto - which, as you can see
on the right there, had a pair
of paddle whee. 1845.
They tied them together
with a rope, they set to full power.
No contest. Absolute none.
The Rattler - bo0m, backwards.
Wow. She pulled Alecto at 2.7 knots
and the screw propeller
after that tug-of-war became
the standard way
to propel naval ships.
I n fact, you can see
the propeller itseff -
if you're a geek like myseff -
on display at the SS Great Britain
Museum in Bristol.
And so then they started doing
the same with electric trains
and steam trains - having
tug-of-war competitions to see
which was better.
Which do you think's better -
electric train or a steam train?
Better in what sense? Stronger.
Oh. It might be a steam train.
I 'd like it to be. Could be
an electric train.
You could give the steam
train a head start,
and still you would be able
to pull it backwards.
But a steam train will always
sound better.
Electric trains are so utilitarian,
whereas steam trains
are chicka-chicka, chicka-chicka.
And you can cook your breakfast
on a shovel.
Thatts what I always like about
a steam train. You cantt do
that on a circuit board,
can you? No.
Do they clean the shovel first?
No, these are working men.
Theytll eat a sooty egg now and
again. Who cares? Yeah.
Now, where's the one place you're
guaranteed not to meet a shark?
Claire's Accessories.
That's a horrible picture, isn't
it? I'm just looking.
Oh, it's jumping into a shark.
What a way to die. Lo0k at his arm.
He's just had his Covid jab.
It's not fair, is it?
I'm free...!
MUNCH
OK, so there is a particular type of
shark. Where would you not expect
it? You would not expect it in
Claire's Accessories. Dry land.
You would not expect it on dry land.
Wel there is a particular shark
known as the Epaulette shark.
Its real name is Hemiscyllium
ocellatum and it's named
because if you lo0k on the shoulder
it looks like it's almost got
a military epaulette. And that can
get out, can it, and walk about?
Wel you find them off the coast
of Australia, you find them
off the coast of New Guinea,
but you ao find them ON the coast.
They're about two, three fo0t
long and they use their tail
and their pectoral fins
to shimmy along the seabed.
So have a lo0k at them underwater
and see them moving along.
I think it's just
very slight creepy.
Oh. Doo doo doo-doo doo-doo.
Isn't it weird?
They don't come out of
the water, do they? Yes.
So they are ao able to crawl
out of water and over the sand
to access tidal po0.
So this is an Epaulette
shark walking on land.
Oh, you wouldn't want that coming
at you. Would you? No!
How far can they come up the beach?
Are they going to like,
get in your car and stuff?
Yes, there's nothing they like
better than to drive a hire car.
And suddenly they speed
down to the water's edge
and 20 more of them get in.
TtCome on, boys! Tt A few doughnuts
and then bugger off into the town.
No, they don't go that far because
they want tidal poo, so they eat
worms and small fish
and crustaceans.
They find them by shoving
their heads into the sand,
and then they fier the fo0d
out through the gil.
Oh, what are they like?!
The resu is they can become
stranded in rock poo overnight,
but they can withstand severe oxygen
deprivation by basical putting
the body into a standby mode.
The go0d thing is, darling,
if one came towards you
they have very little interest
in humans.
And they didn't look very big.
No. You could just punch one
in the face.
Yeah, they might give you a little
nip if you accidental trod on one,
but so would I.
The place you're definite
going to find a shark -
there's an area of the Pacific Ocean
called the Great White Shark Cafe.
You don't like sharks?
I love sharks, but it's still scary.
It is quite scary.
2OO2, scientists at Stanford
University found out that sharks
go to this particular spot
in the Pacific Ocean.
They go there every single year.
Nobody could work out why. It seemed
to be a sort of virtual desert
as far as shark fo0d was concerned.
And it turns out that there is fo0d
there, but it is much deeper
than our satellites can see.
And these light-sensitive anima,
things like squid and phytoplankton,
small fish, they live in an area
just below where the light
can penetrate.
And a scientist at Monterey Bay
Aquarium, Salvador jorgensen,
says it's the largest migration
of anima on Earth,
but it's a vertical migration
that's timed with the light cycle,
and we didn't even know
it was happening. Oh, wow.
I know. It's amazing.
To point out one further place that
you are like to find sharks,
this is alongside bikini
pageants in trashy movies.
OK, this is a much understudied
phenomena, right? Oh, yeah.
Super Shark, OK, as an example.
"An offshore drilling accident
releases a giant primordial
"shark threatening to turn a bikini
contest into a bloodbath."
It has that fantastic strap line,
"Bikinis, bullets and big bites."
Before we all start laughing,
this was my directorial debut.
I had a lot to learn. Yes.
Can you see on this picture
there are bikinis,
but they're behind the shark?
Like, they are there.
And then there's Avalanche Sharks,
which was made in 2O13.
A major avalanche on a ski resort
wakes a prehistoric snow shark
that was buried deep under the snow,
threatening a bikini competition.
OK. Both of these films, if
you're thinking of watching them,
incidental, are rated as one-star.
Out of 1, o0o stars.
Has anybody ever seen a shark
and bikini movie in that genre?
I've seen one where the sharks have
learnt to come onto the land, so...
I think it's called Sand Sharks.
They swim under the sand
and then leap up and kill mainly
women in bikinis.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
WAVES LAP
Hang on a second.
What's that over there in the water
circling ominous?
Oh, my God, it's...
It's General lgnorance.
Fingers on buzzers, please.
APPLAUSE
I've said it a lot over the years.
I just thought I 'd make
it a bit more exotic.
What's this puffed-up
puffer fish full of?
Poison. It is full of poison.
What ee?
Is it sea water, Sandi?
Is it sea water? Yes, it is.
They inflate themselves
by swallowing water from around them
into their stomach,
which inflates them.
Bit like me when I learned to swim.
Look at its eye -
its eye and its mouth -
and then what's happened
to the rest of it?
I think it's lost its arms and legs.
It's completely evolutionised
down to really the basics.
It's real saying, "Go away.
I'm terrib frightening."
"You should have seen me a million
years ago. I was amazing.
"This is all that's left."
It's got no rib cage... Amazing.
..and it's got elastic skin.
And when they let themselves go,
do they go...
They f backwards
through the ocean.
Go!
And then they're just a tiny...
Like an old sock with a massive eye.
Why would you have to burp
a pufferfish?
Burp it, as in, like,
a baby or...? Yeah, like that.
Oh, to show it you care.
So, if they inhale while they're out
of water, they can get air in
and they can't get rid of it
themselves and they'll be stranded
floating upside down.
So, for example,
if you're trying to get them from
one tank to another,
for a brief moment
they're out of the water,
they may get air in their system
and you have to help them
or they'll die.
So you have to burp the pufferfish
and basical you have to hold
its head underwater and then
just gent squeeze the stomach.
You could put it under
your colleague's pillow
on his seat as a prank.
Naturets whoopee cushion.
I love that. You said poison,
did you not, Sindhu? Yeah.
Famous contains an extreme
potent tetrodotoxin.
It is the second most poisonous
vertebrate on the planet, second
on to the poison dart frog.
And sharks are the on creatures
that are immune to their toxin,
so a shark can eat one whole.
Anyway, it's not the fish
that produces this poison - it's
the bacteria that lives inside it.
And rather famous, the japanese
delicacy, which is called fugu,
requires specialist preparation
to render the pufferfish safe
and, as a consequence, because it
hospitalises about 50 people a year,
the japanese emperor is banned
from eating it.
About a haff dozen people
die in a typical year.
I think it'd be quite easy
just not to eat it.
Just not have it. Yeah. I've never
tried it. I believe it's delicious.
And apparent they did try and make
some non-poisonous pufferfish
by breeding them without
the bacteria being present,
but it just didn't taste the same.
Isn't that the strangest thing?
And you have to be careful.
It's found in the liver,
the ovaries, the eyes and the skin.
I mean, it's a big workaround
for a chef, isn't it?
You know, delicacies,
what can you say?
I know, right?
What could you drink
if you were shipwrecked
on an untouched Caribbean island?
Yes, Ed?
Coconuts.
KLAXON
Uh-oh.
No, why not? Why no?
It's untouched,
it has to be touched.
That is correct.
You could not drink coconut milk
or coconut water because coconut
trees, palm trees, are from Asia
and they are not found natural
in the Caribbean.
It's an invasive species.
It competes with local trees.
They suck up the water.
They don't real provide
much nesting for birds.
They damage the soil.
Leaves are not nutritious to native
anima, and ahough coconuts
can drift from one island
to another
there are no currents to get them
from the Pacific to the Caribbean
without human help.
So it came because it was a way
of taking water on board ships
was to take coconuts with you.
But they are wonderfu coconuts,
because in the one thing you get
this high-calorie fo0d, you get
drinking water, you get a shell
that you can turn into charcoal
to cook on,
you get fibre that you can turn
into rope.
You can use the whole thing
to act as a float
if you're in the sea, you know.
You can disguise a bear as a lady.
Yes. Yes.
Horse noises.
They are terrific for horse noises.
I mean, for years and years,
there would have been people playing
with coconuts who'd never
seen a horse.
And then one day horses turn up.
Yeah!
They'd say, "These animals can do
"an amazing impression
of the coconuts."
The mutiny on the Bounty,
actual, was triggered
because Captain Bligh accused
the crew of stealing coconuts.
I mean, they're real valuable
and beautiful things.
Where is the world's longest
mountain range?
It's underwater. Yes.
Alan, you used to be
the silly one on this show.
Yeah, then you lot turned up.
You never would have got that
series one.
You're absolute right -
it's the Mid-Oceanic Ridge.
It's an enormous system
of underwater mountains.
It's pretty much everywhere.
If you lo0k at that, it's the Arctic
through the Atlantic
to the Antarctic, I ndian
and Pacific Oceans,
and that all links up together.
It's about 40, OOO miles long.
So if you think about one
of the great mountain ranges
that we can see, like the Andes,
that's about 4,3OO miles.
This is 40, OOO miles and it zigzags
across the entire planet.
It lo0ks like the globe's
had a terrible accident.
Or a massive railway.
If we could see it, it'd be the most
prominent topographic feature
on the Earth's surface.
What's really the point, though?
You know what I mean? Like, why...?
What's the point of an underwater
mountain? Yeah, what's it up to?
Are you not enjoying
nature any more, Lou? No, no.
I just think. Come on, let's have
a look at you.
You pull the plug out - amazing.
So an enormous amount of tectonic
activity happens along this ridge
that's real important.
There was a woman oceanographer
called Marie Tharp.
She was an American,
and she discovered the ridge.
She discovered it in 1952.
Despite not being allowed to go
to sea on any of the expeditions.
Wow. So the Navy rules were
men on,
so what she did was she to0k
all the measurements that the men
brought back from sea, and she
said - this is her own words -
"I had a blank canvas to fill
with extraordinary possibilities.
"It was a once-in-a-lifetime,
a once-in-the-history-of-the-world
"opportunity for anyone,
but especial for a woman
"in the 194Os."
And every time she mapped out the
measurements, she found this huge
rift in the middle of the ocean.
And all her colleagues said
it was just girl talk
and it was nonsense.
What's the point, basical?
And then they realised that it was
the Earth's largest physical
feature, and she did all this
sitting at a desk
and not out at sea.
It is an enormous
important discovery.
We know almost nothing about
the world's biggest mountain range,
but what we do know we owe
to Marie Tharp.
Right, step right up.
What does this machine test?
Strength.
KLAXON
What? Yeah, no. Kinetic energy.
Oh, no, I like that.
I don't know what that is, Ed.
He HAS turned very clever.
He has!
I just said the words, I don't know
what it is. Don't worry.
It's a traditional fairground
or pier attraction.
It's known as the high striker,
the strongman game, strength tester.
It's actual a test
of accuracy, OK?
The key is to maximise the force
exerted on the mechanism by hitting
the exact centre of the impact
button flat and square
with the mallet.
So there's a website called The Art
of Manliness, and it recommends
using the same action
as for splitting wood with an axe.
Now, you should have a mallet,
so now what we thought we'd do
is that we'd get you to have a go,
and then we'll add the points
that you gather on the machine
to your score for the show today.
OK, who wants to go first?
I'll go first. OK.
All right. Go and try it out.
Now, it is possible...
This game is not rigged -
the one we're showing you -
but they may have been rigged
in the past, so sometimes
they would set it to an easy mode
and somebody weak-lo0king would come
along and strike the bell with ease.
Right. Whack it, Ed. Whack it.
Whoa.
7O. Oh, that was 1o0, surely?
No, it was 7O. OK.
Is it fun?
Not, like, loads of fun.
LAUGHTER
Right, Sindhu, are you going to have
a go? Well done, Ed.
APPLAUSE
So when they rigged it,
they would set it to easy and some
weak guy would hit the bel
and then a big, strong bloke
would say, "Oh, I could do that if
that weak guy can do it," and then
they'd set it to hard and he'd get,
like, an embarrassing low score.
And then the men would all be pumped
up and want to have a go.
Come on, Sindhu!
What did she get?
A generous 50, I 'd say. A 50?
We're going to say 50.
Well done, darling, congratulations.
Take a run up.
Shall I?
Oh, you missed it completely!
You're an actual menace.
Here we go. Super Lou!
Oh.
Again.
That was worse.
No. OK. Alan?
Add them together.
40.
It couldn't have been. It wasn't 40.
Ten!
50.60.50.
I'm going to give you 50. Thanks,
Sandi. So, in...
I don't hit things professional.
Oh, go on, give it a whack, Sandi.
It's very satisfying.
Will you hit it for me?
It is very satisfying.
Guy, will you give it a go?
Come on, come and do this.
Go on, Guy, you've got this.
Come on, Guy.
Oh!
Wasn't that great? That's
amazing. I ncredible.
Oh, well done, Guy, I love that.
Well... I smell a rat,
a stinking rat.
Wow. It lo0ks like the sun's going
down, so we better call it a day,
pack up the deck chairs and take
a look at the scores. I n last place,
all at sea, it's Sindhu with 42.
APPLAUSE
Next, with 45 points, it's Lou.
APPLAUSE
With 53 points, it's Ed!
APPLAUSE
With 58 points, it's Alan.
APPLAUSE
But taking top prize tonight with
1OO points, its floor manager
extraordinaire Guy Smart. What?!
APPLAUSE
Thank you to Sindhu, Ed, Lou
and Alan, and I leave you
with this observation by American
motivational speaker Bob Moawad.
"You can't leave fo0tprints
in the sands of time
"if you're sitting on your butt,
and who wants to leave butt prints
"in the sands of time?"
Go0dnight.
SEAGULLS SQUAWK
Season 19 Episode 13
APPLAUSE
SEAGULLS SQUAWK
Episode Title: "Sun, Sea & Sandi"
Aired on: February 04, 2022.
Ahoy, there!
And welcome to a bright and balmy
episode of QI down by the briny.
Joining me for a saunter
down the shore tonight
are a supersized strongman,
Lou Sanders.
APPLAUSE
A seven-stone softie, Sindhu Vee.
APPLAUSE
A sun-kissed stunner, Ed Gamble.
APPLAUSE
And stomping on everyone's
sand castles, Alan Davies!
APPLAUSE
Before we dive in, let's hold our
seashel to our ears.
Lou goes...
♪ We're all going on a
summer holiday... ♪
Sindhu goes...
♪ Sand and sea... ♪
Oh, nice.
♪ Sea and sand ♪
Ed goes...
♪ Lazint on a sunny afternoon... ♪
Alan goes...
♪ I wanna have sex on the beach... ♪
THEY LAUGH
Come on, move your body...
I mean, lower the tone.
So, these photographic cut-out
boards were invented
in the 189Os in Cairo.
Photographic studios would cut
a hole
in an actual ancient sarcophagus,
right,
so that tourists could pose as
an Ancient Egyptian mummy.
And the idea caught on,
and eventual they thought,
"We haven't got enough ancient
sarcophagi,
"so we'll make a few fake ones and
then you could be the Sphinx
"and so on," and the idea to0k off.
This particular photograph
is one of my favourites.
It shows the Archduke
Franz Ferdinand,
the one who went on to spark
World War I
by being assassinated
in Sarajevo.
Anyway, it's him on holiday
in Cairo.
- That looks like my dad in
a sleeping bag. - Yes.
LAUGHTER
The big question, Alan, for you -
hats on or hats off?
- I keep thinking it's going to fall.
- Yeah.
It lo0ks nice on you.
You look very dapper.
Well, that's very kind.
Very Maurice Chevalier.
I'm enjoying your sun hat as well.
Yeah, it's going.
That's it. There we go.
Can I just say, I've never seen
you two flirting before
and I really enjoy it.
Do you know? Neither of us has been
out for a year.
It's worked wonders for
our relationship.
Anyway, on with the questions.
Where in mainland Britain is closest
to French soil
Has Cafe Rouge got a garden?
That's...
That's the only place.
I mean, I've driven past.
I - I don't know.
Any other guesses?
I tm happy just to say Dover.
KLAXON
- Come on, letts get this going
- Sweet of you to get us started.
- I like that.
- Letts get it rolling.
- Itts QI, baby!
- I like that very much.
OK, I'm going to give you a clue.
French Lieutenant's Woman.
Anyone remember where it to0k place?
Lyme Regis.
After decades of coastal erosion
washing away all the sand
at Lyme Regis, they had to basical
rebuild the beaches,
and 30, OOO tonnes of sand
were shipped
from northern France.
So I guess you could say that
the closest bit
of French coastline that you can
enjoy is in Dorset.
First of al they had to
remove groynes.
All the old groynes.
ED LAUGHS
I've had to do that before.
You've had to do that?
What do you mean? There was groynes
in the sand?
Do you know what a groyne is?
I do actually know this
from GCSE geography.
It's the barriers all the way
along the beach.
Stops the beach getting swept along.
Yeah, it comes from the Latin
"to grunt"
and apparent it used to lo0k
like a pig's snout.
I don't think so.
Do you think so?
What, my groyne? Or...?
THEY LAUGH
I wasn't...
I wasn't going to go
that low, but...
She was going to keep to here.
Or, for me, that high.
Then they added shingle
to add some ballast
to stop the whole beach
washing away.
The whole lot was shipped over
from northern France,
and they thought about lots of
different kinds of sand.
But it was the wrong colour,
it was the wrong size -
you know, everything about it
wasn't right.
And then they got 6, OOO tonnes
of Norwegian rock
brought over to strengthen
the cliffs.
And so the town's new sea wall
is ao constructed
out of Portuguese and Chinese
granite.
So it's a Portuguese, Chinese,
Norwegian, French seafront.
It would've been great after Brexit
if France had gone,
"All right, then. We're having
Lyme Regis back.
"We'll have Lyme Regis, thank you
very much."
As well as being created, beaches
can spontaneous vanish.
So there was a violent storm off
the coast of County Mayo's
Achill lsland in 1984,
and it washed away the entire beach.
There was a 3OO metre beach,
called Dooagh Beach,
and the local community woke up one
morning and it had entire gone.
What was in its place, though?
Just rocks and pebbles.
And it was terrible for tourism.
It was just awful.
And then, in 2O17, there was unusual
tidal activity
and it all washed back again.
No, it didn't!
Yeah, it did. It all washed
back again.
And all the jobs started up again,
and all the tourism.
And then, in 2O19...
- Yeah, gone.
- No!
I n Denmark, sometimes the beach
is like this
and sometimes the beach
is like this,
and you never know which one
youtre going to get. Yeah.
And where is David Blaine
when this is happening?
THEY LAUGH
Where did it go?
Wel I mean, it just erodes,
and it is a serious problem.
I n fact, because of it,
there's a thing called the
Coastal Protection Act 1949,
and you're not allowed to take any
pebbles or sand from UK beaches.
Oh!
You can be fined 1, OOO.
You could be forced to return
all the stuff.
Because we have to protect them,
because, frank,
the ocean's taking enough.
Do you want to have a word
with the props manager?
- I don't know where...
- THEY LAUGH
And also now, if we need more sand,
the French will say ttnontt.
But the Italians are even
more fierce about it.
You can get six years in prison.
I n fact, in 2O19, the security
services at Cag-liari Airport,
I think it's called. The one
in Sardinia, anyway.
- Cagliari.
- Cagliari? Cagliari.
They confiscated 2OOkg
of sand from tourists
in a couple of weeks.
Just taking the sand home?
Just taking the sand home.
Yeah. Like, in a container.
Like, as a personal souvenir.
Well, I think we all accidentally
take a little bit of sand home.
Yes, but if it's all of us,
you know - beach gone.
But I just mean, if you're
going for a swim
and there's sand washing around,
we're all accidentally
smuggling some.
Oh, do you mean in your orifices?
Yeah. Yes.
I n your groyne?
I n your pig -snouty groyne?
ALAN SNORTS
I've got loads of sand.
" I'm sorry, Paolo,
"I took some sand home
in my snout!"
But what is real amazing,
if you lo0k at sand samples under
a microscope,
lo0k at the variety of materia
and shapes that it comes in.
So, when you lo0k at sand, it lo0ks
quite homogenous to the naked eye.
It does. Don't you think that's
like a cheese board?
But you can see detail within
the tiny particles.
It's amazing, isn't it?
Nature is quite good in the end.
I...
LAUGHTER
If you take nothing ee
away with you,
take that thought.
What are the main problems
with living in a sand castle?
You get too much sand in your
lo0-lo0 la - la.
I n your lo0-lo0 la-la?
Yes, lo0-lo0 la-la and groynes.
There we go.
I like lo0-lo0 la-la. Did your
mother call it that? No, no.
The kids came up with it.
Loo-loo la-la?
Loo-loo la - la. And theytd run around
saying lo0-lo0 la - la.
And then my mother started singing
it one day in the kitchen.
♪ Loo-loo la - la... ♪
I was like, tt No, no.
TtThatts not... No. Tt
We don't sing that.
No, we dontt.
Just dontt.
So there's going to be one,
is there? A real one?
What, a real problem?
A real sand castle.
Like, liveable with rooms?
We may get to that.
But first of al we're talking
about creatures
that live in sand castles.
What?
I know!
There are sand castle worms, OK?
Ooh!
Yeah, they are called -
and I probab will
mispronounce this -
phragmatopoma californica.
So they live along the
Californian coast
and they live their entire life
in castles made of sand,
which they build themselves.
Ooh!
They are fantastic.
So, picture on the left, there -
that is a single sandworm.
And the tentacles that it's got
on its head -
that's those things you can see
sticking out like that -
they sort through grains of sand.
And so they select ones that are
the suitable size,
and then they secrete a compound
from their body, which honest,
it's a sort of underwater glue.
So then these other pictures
are a whole lot of them.
Each little hole, each little tube
is a single sand worm,
and then they all live together.
AUDl ENCE: Wow.
Yes, wow! I know, right?
What's import...
Thank you.
What's important for us is that this
cement that they secrete,
it's like an underwater glue,
and it might be that it has amazing
medical applications. Wow.
It might be the sort of thing that
can glue bones back together
instead of using metal pins.
I tried to get worms once.
You tried to actual get them?
Yeah.
To make yourseff lose weight?
Yeah.
OK. And I put a piece of raw meat...
LOU LAUGHS
...on my bum.
Bacon wrapped in bacon?
W-What was it, darling?
Nothing happened.
No, what was the meat?
I can't remember. I was only
about 11.
Chop? Was it a chop?
Oh, a lovely lamb chop on the bot?
You'd hope so, wouldn't you?
Itts interesting to know, Lou,
that youtre vegan,
but your bottom isntt.
Yes!
Do you know, in the Tour de France,
years and years ago,
before they had lots of sort
of medical things and so on,
the gentlemen on the Tour de France
used to put a steak
down their trousers to stop
it rubbing, right,
when they were bicycling.
And then it was ful tenderised
when they got there,
then they'd co0k it
for their supper.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Urgh!
That's my gift to you.
Wow.
You'd have to keep an eye on it
to make sure you got your steak
back again?
Yes, you wouldn't want your
friend's steak, would you?
Oh, boy!
From your friend's lo0-lo0 la-la.
That's not...
Yeah.
No.
Anyway, each of these worms
is about an inch long
and they live in tunne about
six inches long,
but they can live in a city.
And they're amazing. They're
constructed on the shore.
And so what happens is, they're
underwater at high tide,
but they're exposed at low tide.
So, during low tide, they kind of
hunker down and they seal up
cos they don't want anything
to get them.
But when it's high tide, they pop
their head out
with these love little tentacles
and fish.
They go fishing for microscopic
food that's happening past
and grab grains of sand to improve
the home.
What do you think the main problem
these worms might have,
given that they never leave
the tunnel
and they always face outwards?
Is it going to the loo?
Yes, darling.
Do they gradually fill up
their tunnel?
They would. If they just defecated,
it would just be full of poo.
So they don't defecate?
No, they do.
But it's so clever, OK?
It's the sort of thing a little boy
goes, "Oh, I want to do that!"
OK, they have a rectum at the end of
the body like most anima,
but there's a long tube that comes
haffway up the body,
it po0s on its own back
and then it simp shrugs the faecal
pellet up its body
and out the tube.
I'm quite envious of any creature
that can come up
with a pellet like that.
Yeah.
I 'd love to have a faecal pellet.
Yeah.
It would transform lavatory design,
wouldn't it,
because it would be more like
Marble Run
or something like that.
You could have some fun with it.
You could just launch it off.
Yeah. Do you think you could teach
yourself to fire it
and maybe set targets up
in the bathroom?
Well, I think after a while,
there's bound to be...
There's bound to be competitive
pelleting, isn't there?
Ed, dare to dream.
How far can it go, though?
THEY LAUGH
Anyway, they are astonishing
interesting.
So some squirt sperm up
into the water
and some squirt eggs up into the
water, and larvae are created.
And then what happens is they can
smell the very cement
that holds the sand castle city
together,
and they go back to where
they came from.
Sandi, do you think nature's
actually quite good
in the end as well?
I'll be honest, Lou. I'm coming
round to it. I am.
There is a human who lives in
a sand castle,
and his name is Marcio Matolias.
He's ao known in Rio de janeiro
as King Marcio,
and he's a sand sculptor.
He makes his money from tourists,
and ao from a used book shop
which he runs from a
three-square-metre castle
that has been his home for
over 20 years.
And itts made of sand?
It's made of sand.
That's his... where he lives.
He lives inside that sand castle.
His main problems are the elements -
so his castle can collapse if
there's a very heavy storm.
It gets UNBEARABLY hot
in the summer.
It's got no toilets and he hasn't
got a tube.
You know, he can't do the... thing.
So he has to go to the fire station
if he wants to...
Theytre all right with that,
are they?
Apparent. It costs a dollar
each time he goes. I don't know...
Hets saving a lot on rent,
I suppose.
He's lived rent-free for more
than 20 years.
Doesn't the sea wash it away?
The trick is to build it above
the tide mark. Right.
I n the lay-by off the A4.
I td worry about bullies coming
and kicking it down.
Wel it's funny you should
say that.
Because probab the very first
reference to a sand castle
being kicked over - arguab
in the Iliad,
which is the seventh century BC.
Homer described Apollo,
God of the Sun,
demolishing a Greek stockade,
and compared it to
a child kicking over
a sand sculpture.
So we haven't real matured,
have we, darling?
Anyway, we thought we'd get you to
make your own sand castle
or sand sculpture, so you've each
got a tray of sand.
Here we are. Like this.
Ooh!
And there's a bucket of water
you'll need as well. Yes.
OK, it needs to be real wet.
That is the thing.
Have you not got a bucket of water?
Yeah, but I don't really want
to get messy. Oh, I see!
I quite like a prissy child.
I to0k my daughter out -
she was seven.
The whole class, we all went
and had burgers.
There was a little boy
who was very particular.
I said, "Do you want a burger,
darling?" He said,
"I wonder if the chef might
do a salad?"
LAUGHTER
So that's it.
Yes! Oh, Sindhu's doing
fine work here.
I'm just going to tip all mine
in there.
Oh, you're just going to go
crazy for it, yeah.
But apparent the wetter it is...
The guy who lives in the sand
castle on the beach in Rio
has to keep wetting it
otherwise it collapses.
Oh, no.
What? What?
Mine looks like rather a nice dahl.
Does it feel nice? Does it feel like
a nice...?
All I'm trying to do is get all
my sand in the bucket. Right.
I think I made mine too wet.
Oh, a bit to0...
Sindhu's doing very well.
Well, I mean, I am from the country
of Taj Mahal.
I have a lot to live up to here.
And I go to Brighton now and again,
so a lot of pressure on me
as well. OK.
Oh, it just looks like my bucket's
got the shits.
Oh.
Has it not come out?
It looks like it didn't make
it to the fire station.
Just put a bucket over it.
Oh, no, no.
Right, I think, let's have a lo0k.
Sindhu, do you want to describe
what you've made here?
Well, it's a house.
There's some really nice parents
that live on this floor... Right.
...and they've had a fight...
Oh... so now they're building
two separate houses.
Wow. It's like a soap opera.
Yeah, yeah.
Can I just ask Sindhu, howts your
marriage? Is it all right?
I've been married 23 years, Lou,
no-one is going anywhere now.
Ed, what have you made, my darling?
Mine is a satirical piece
about climate change.
Yes, it lo0ks like a breast implant.
It's also a breast implant. OK.
Oh, Alan you got some out the
bucket. Creating a mezzanine level.
Love. Lou, do you want
to describe yours?
It's just sort of classic
piece, really. Hm.
Oh, hang on.
Oh, that's it.
Yeah, I think I'm going to...
Lou's the winner. Lou's the winner.
OK, let's put the sand castles
away, shall we?
My favourite childho0d memory
was building sand castles
with my grandfather, until my mum
took the urn from me.
I'm here all week.
Where would you slip on
this swish ensemble?
That's where it went.
OK. Well, not on the beach,
judging by how pale the model is.
Yes, darling.
I n the olden days over here
on the beach.
Yes, exact that. Really?
It's a woman's wool bathing suit.
It actual dates from the 187Os
in the United States, but women
in the 19th century were expected
to bathe in full-length dresses,
gowns made of thick material
that didn't become
transparent when wet.
And they quite often used
to have weights in the hem.
They didn't want it to float up,
right? There's no point in having
a dress on and it sudden goes up
like that.
So you've got weights
and woollen material.
How many women just drowned
from that? Thousands.
Yes. Thousands and thousands.
All of that changed in the 19OOs.
There was a wonderful woman
called Annette Kellerman.
She was an Australian swimmer.
She became one of the very first
women to public wear
a one-piece bathing suit. This is
not a picture of Annette Kellerman.
This is women having their suits
measured to see if they were allowed
to be on the beach.
You can see why they weren't allowed
that, because it is very erotic.
Quite risque, isn't it?
Wel Annette Kellerman,
the very first time she appeared
in 19O7 on a beach in Massachusetts,
wearing a one-piece suit,
she was arrested
for public indecency.
The judge was very sweet
about it. He said,
"Yes, I can see it's more
comfortable for swimming."
So after that, she had to wear
a cape to the edge of the shore.
The guy you've got to watch out
for is the guy who volunteers
to measure the swimming...
To do the measuring.
Yeah, yeah. Itts Alan!
Hets got the same hat as Alan.
All right, I'll do it.
She's a real interesting
woman, Annette Kellerman.
She's real worth looking at.
She was born in 1887,
and she suffered from rickets
as a child, and so she was sent
to have swimming lessons
in order to improve.
It was kind of physiotherapy,
and she was so good at it
that she started appearing
in competitions and giving
performances in Melbourne.
She would dress as a mermaid
and swim with fish in an aquarium.
I mean, it's a living.
Is that her? That's her.
Yeah, isn't that extraordinary? Wow.
She became a movie star, actual,
in the United States and she
performed all her own stunts.
She once dove 6O fo0t into a po0l
full of crocodiles.
Oh. She was the very first person
to appear nude in a Holwood movie.
This is her in a movie called
A Daughter Of The Gods.
It was made in 1916.
It was the very first film
that cost $1 million.
It to0k 20, OOO people to make
this film.
It to0k eight months, and we don't
have a copy of it any more.
Oh, no. But isn't she beautiful
Yeah. You see, just out of frame
there's the guy
with his measuring stick going,
"I'm not sure this is regulation."
"No, I don't think it's any go0d."
The modern bikini -
any idea when that turns up?
When do we first get the bikini?
'60s? No, earlier than that - '46.
Oh. This is not actual a bikini.
This is called the Atome.
So this is the French designer
jacques Heim, and he designed
the Atome, which is this one.
Advertised as the world's
smallest bathing suit.
And then a man called Louis Reard
said his would be smaller
than the world's smallest
bathing suit,
and he called it the bikini
after the Bikini Atoll.
So it's all to do with
the atomic bomb
that they were experimenting with.
Nuclear tests were done
on the Bikini Atoll.
So bikini - it just means
"coconut place" in Marshallese.
Do you know this particular bikini
reminds me that when I was eight
years old, I came home from school
and my mother was serving us lunch
in a bikini, and we said, "Well, why
are you wearing a bikini?"
She said, " Because I can't wear
it outside. It's not modest.
"It's so beautiful so I'll just wear
it in the house."
So...
She just wore her bikini all day,
and then when my dad got home
she changed and I said,
"Why don't you have your bikini on?"
She said, " Because it's
very immodest.
"He will have a shock and heart
attack," and we were like,
"Oh, we don't what that."
What a secret weapon to have.
"I've had enough of you."
Exactly.
But it was exactly like that,
you know? Fril bikinis.
Polka-dotted frilly bikini.
Wel let's have another question.
How do Germans spoil
your Spanish holiday?
By showing up.
GASPS
They always want to hog the places.
KLAXON
Has some research been done
and it turns out it was us?
Yes, that's part of the truth.
It's to do with Mr Hitler.
To do with Mr Hitler and why the
Germans spoil your Spanish holiday.
So, he is responsible for the fact
that you have to change your watch
every time you travel
between Britain and Spain.
What happened was, in 1942,
General Franco -
he switched Spain from Greenwich
Mean Time to Central European Time
to match Berlin's clocks
in solidarity with Hitler,
and bumped the whole
country forward an hour.
And the resu is that Spain is not
in its natural time zone.
Not the worst thing
that Hitler's done.
No, no, darling.
So the one that would maximise the
amount of sunlight during the day
is not the zone that Spain is in.
There are many parts of Spain
that are west of Greenwich, and yet
it's an hour ahead.
And so during the summer
on the west coast of Spain, the sun
is direct overhead at 20 to three
in the afternoon,
which makes no sense at all.
Would he mind if we put it back?
Wel I don't know why they don't.
It just would make sense,
wouldn't it?
Call me. Call you. Lou in charge.
Now, the idea that - since you first
came up with the idea -
the Germans might hog the sun
loungers by getting up ear
and placing the towe upon them
is not true.
It is something that has been lodged
in the British psyche since 1993,
and it's due to
a Carling Black Label ad.
They ran an ad where a British
person threw a towel from his room
to a lounger, and it skimmed
across the pool like a bouncing bomb
to the theme of The Dam Busters.
So the Germans are very upset
that this continues to be a thing.
So in 2O14, they did
an investigation - Bild newspaper -
into it, and they claimed, according
to their observations in Spanish
resorts, the British are by far
the largest culprits for doing this.
Though when they interviewed one
British holiday-maker,
they insisted it's the French.
Right, who invented sunbathing?
I don't know much trivia, but...
I thought that was it.
I know nothing.
Nothing.
But my mother said once,
she said, "You must go to school
"with the umbrella
because you are very dark.
"Sunbathing is only allowed
by the lady who would do it.
"She was Coco Chanel. Coco Chanel -
"she could do sunbathing
because she was so fair.
"Not like you, over dark.
Take the umbrella."
So I had to go to school
with an umbrella.
Wel it is often thought that Coco
Chanel invented suntanning
but, in fact, she didn't
real originate it.
It was the Sun newspaper.
It was the Sun newspaper, yes,
that decided it was the thing.
There's a weahy American
socialite couple called
Gerald and Sara Murphy.
This is a wonderful picture
of Gerald and Sara on the left,
and Cole Porter, who's one
of their friends, and a woman called
Genevieve Carpenter, who just seems
to be there to hold Cole up.
And they went to the French Riviera
in the 192Os, and they became famous
as party and holiday hosts.
Up until then, people had on gone
to the Riviera in the winter,
and they persuaded the Hotel de Cap
to remain open for the summer.
And everybody came.
So Zelda and F. Scott Fitzgerald,
Ernest Hemingway, Pablo Picasso,
Dorothy Parker, Cole Porter
in the picture there,
and they invented the idea
of beach time and sunbathing.
They used to get everybody to
come for picnics,
and they used to
start games on the beach.
It's so weird to think it
had never happened before.
People had gone to the beach to go
swimming, but they hadn't thought,
"We'll just stop for a bit."
Why was it unfashionable
before then to have a tan?
Why do you think that was?
Because it showed
you worked outside.
Yeah, that you had what
could on be described
as a lower-class job.
You worked outdoors.
Anyway, Coco Chanel is worth talking
about because she's often said
to have sort of single-handed...
There she is on the left.
She came back
from a Mediterranean cruise.
Crazy Coco. Crazy. Came back with
a tan in 1923 from a cruise
and everybody went crazy for it.
But she's real probab just
putting the icing on what
was already chic, and it was chic
because of the woman on the right.
This is the world's first female
global sports celebrity.
She was a tennis player
called Suzanne Lenglen,
and she played in short sleeves.
I mean, lo0k at that. I n 1919,
she had a deep tan.
She was the on female
player to serve overarm.
She drank cognac between sets.
I know.
And she won 241 titles
during her career.
So if you think, you know,
at this very moment, Serena Williams
has got 98 titles -
Suzanne Lenglen, 241.
And part of the reason why
Wimbledon is where it is now
is that the former courts,
which were on a place called
Worple Road, could not cope
with the number of fans
who came to see her. Wow.
I know. She's amazing. And then
tanned skin became all the rage.
Right, now, I want you to imagine
you're all at sea.
Would you prefer the screw
or the paddle?
Who's on the boat?
Screw. You're going to go for screw.
Yeah. I tll take the paddle.
You'll take the paddle.
Yeah. Screw is correct.
So, we are talking about ships.
After the Napoleonic Wars, Britain
was, I mean, undoubted the world's
foremost naval superpower.
But you're still talking about
wooden ships propelled by sai.
And then passenger ships began
to move towards steel and they began
to move towards being steamships.
And the Navy so0n followed,
and the question was,
which was going to be the best
for these boats - was it going
to be the paddle on either side
or the screw propellers?
So they had a tug of war -
I love this - between two virtual
identical ships - HMS Rattler -
which had a propeller - and HMS
Alecto - which, as you can see
on the right there, had a pair
of paddle whee. 1845.
They tied them together
with a rope, they set to full power.
No contest. Absolute none.
The Rattler - bo0m, backwards.
Wow. She pulled Alecto at 2.7 knots
and the screw propeller
after that tug-of-war became
the standard way
to propel naval ships.
I n fact, you can see
the propeller itseff -
if you're a geek like myseff -
on display at the SS Great Britain
Museum in Bristol.
And so then they started doing
the same with electric trains
and steam trains - having
tug-of-war competitions to see
which was better.
Which do you think's better -
electric train or a steam train?
Better in what sense? Stronger.
Oh. It might be a steam train.
I 'd like it to be. Could be
an electric train.
You could give the steam
train a head start,
and still you would be able
to pull it backwards.
But a steam train will always
sound better.
Electric trains are so utilitarian,
whereas steam trains
are chicka-chicka, chicka-chicka.
And you can cook your breakfast
on a shovel.
Thatts what I always like about
a steam train. You cantt do
that on a circuit board,
can you? No.
Do they clean the shovel first?
No, these are working men.
Theytll eat a sooty egg now and
again. Who cares? Yeah.
Now, where's the one place you're
guaranteed not to meet a shark?
Claire's Accessories.
That's a horrible picture, isn't
it? I'm just looking.
Oh, it's jumping into a shark.
What a way to die. Lo0k at his arm.
He's just had his Covid jab.
It's not fair, is it?
I'm free...!
MUNCH
OK, so there is a particular type of
shark. Where would you not expect
it? You would not expect it in
Claire's Accessories. Dry land.
You would not expect it on dry land.
Wel there is a particular shark
known as the Epaulette shark.
Its real name is Hemiscyllium
ocellatum and it's named
because if you lo0k on the shoulder
it looks like it's almost got
a military epaulette. And that can
get out, can it, and walk about?
Wel you find them off the coast
of Australia, you find them
off the coast of New Guinea,
but you ao find them ON the coast.
They're about two, three fo0t
long and they use their tail
and their pectoral fins
to shimmy along the seabed.
So have a lo0k at them underwater
and see them moving along.
I think it's just
very slight creepy.
Oh. Doo doo doo-doo doo-doo.
Isn't it weird?
They don't come out of
the water, do they? Yes.
So they are ao able to crawl
out of water and over the sand
to access tidal po0.
So this is an Epaulette
shark walking on land.
Oh, you wouldn't want that coming
at you. Would you? No!
How far can they come up the beach?
Are they going to like,
get in your car and stuff?
Yes, there's nothing they like
better than to drive a hire car.
And suddenly they speed
down to the water's edge
and 20 more of them get in.
TtCome on, boys! Tt A few doughnuts
and then bugger off into the town.
No, they don't go that far because
they want tidal poo, so they eat
worms and small fish
and crustaceans.
They find them by shoving
their heads into the sand,
and then they fier the fo0d
out through the gil.
Oh, what are they like?!
The resu is they can become
stranded in rock poo overnight,
but they can withstand severe oxygen
deprivation by basical putting
the body into a standby mode.
The go0d thing is, darling,
if one came towards you
they have very little interest
in humans.
And they didn't look very big.
No. You could just punch one
in the face.
Yeah, they might give you a little
nip if you accidental trod on one,
but so would I.
The place you're definite
going to find a shark -
there's an area of the Pacific Ocean
called the Great White Shark Cafe.
You don't like sharks?
I love sharks, but it's still scary.
It is quite scary.
2OO2, scientists at Stanford
University found out that sharks
go to this particular spot
in the Pacific Ocean.
They go there every single year.
Nobody could work out why. It seemed
to be a sort of virtual desert
as far as shark fo0d was concerned.
And it turns out that there is fo0d
there, but it is much deeper
than our satellites can see.
And these light-sensitive anima,
things like squid and phytoplankton,
small fish, they live in an area
just below where the light
can penetrate.
And a scientist at Monterey Bay
Aquarium, Salvador jorgensen,
says it's the largest migration
of anima on Earth,
but it's a vertical migration
that's timed with the light cycle,
and we didn't even know
it was happening. Oh, wow.
I know. It's amazing.
To point out one further place that
you are like to find sharks,
this is alongside bikini
pageants in trashy movies.
OK, this is a much understudied
phenomena, right? Oh, yeah.
Super Shark, OK, as an example.
"An offshore drilling accident
releases a giant primordial
"shark threatening to turn a bikini
contest into a bloodbath."
It has that fantastic strap line,
"Bikinis, bullets and big bites."
Before we all start laughing,
this was my directorial debut.
I had a lot to learn. Yes.
Can you see on this picture
there are bikinis,
but they're behind the shark?
Like, they are there.
And then there's Avalanche Sharks,
which was made in 2O13.
A major avalanche on a ski resort
wakes a prehistoric snow shark
that was buried deep under the snow,
threatening a bikini competition.
OK. Both of these films, if
you're thinking of watching them,
incidental, are rated as one-star.
Out of 1, o0o stars.
Has anybody ever seen a shark
and bikini movie in that genre?
I've seen one where the sharks have
learnt to come onto the land, so...
I think it's called Sand Sharks.
They swim under the sand
and then leap up and kill mainly
women in bikinis.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
WAVES LAP
Hang on a second.
What's that over there in the water
circling ominous?
Oh, my God, it's...
It's General lgnorance.
Fingers on buzzers, please.
APPLAUSE
I've said it a lot over the years.
I just thought I 'd make
it a bit more exotic.
What's this puffed-up
puffer fish full of?
Poison. It is full of poison.
What ee?
Is it sea water, Sandi?
Is it sea water? Yes, it is.
They inflate themselves
by swallowing water from around them
into their stomach,
which inflates them.
Bit like me when I learned to swim.
Look at its eye -
its eye and its mouth -
and then what's happened
to the rest of it?
I think it's lost its arms and legs.
It's completely evolutionised
down to really the basics.
It's real saying, "Go away.
I'm terrib frightening."
"You should have seen me a million
years ago. I was amazing.
"This is all that's left."
It's got no rib cage... Amazing.
..and it's got elastic skin.
And when they let themselves go,
do they go...
They f backwards
through the ocean.
Go!
And then they're just a tiny...
Like an old sock with a massive eye.
Why would you have to burp
a pufferfish?
Burp it, as in, like,
a baby or...? Yeah, like that.
Oh, to show it you care.
So, if they inhale while they're out
of water, they can get air in
and they can't get rid of it
themselves and they'll be stranded
floating upside down.
So, for example,
if you're trying to get them from
one tank to another,
for a brief moment
they're out of the water,
they may get air in their system
and you have to help them
or they'll die.
So you have to burp the pufferfish
and basical you have to hold
its head underwater and then
just gent squeeze the stomach.
You could put it under
your colleague's pillow
on his seat as a prank.
Naturets whoopee cushion.
I love that. You said poison,
did you not, Sindhu? Yeah.
Famous contains an extreme
potent tetrodotoxin.
It is the second most poisonous
vertebrate on the planet, second
on to the poison dart frog.
And sharks are the on creatures
that are immune to their toxin,
so a shark can eat one whole.
Anyway, it's not the fish
that produces this poison - it's
the bacteria that lives inside it.
And rather famous, the japanese
delicacy, which is called fugu,
requires specialist preparation
to render the pufferfish safe
and, as a consequence, because it
hospitalises about 50 people a year,
the japanese emperor is banned
from eating it.
About a haff dozen people
die in a typical year.
I think it'd be quite easy
just not to eat it.
Just not have it. Yeah. I've never
tried it. I believe it's delicious.
And apparent they did try and make
some non-poisonous pufferfish
by breeding them without
the bacteria being present,
but it just didn't taste the same.
Isn't that the strangest thing?
And you have to be careful.
It's found in the liver,
the ovaries, the eyes and the skin.
I mean, it's a big workaround
for a chef, isn't it?
You know, delicacies,
what can you say?
I know, right?
What could you drink
if you were shipwrecked
on an untouched Caribbean island?
Yes, Ed?
Coconuts.
KLAXON
Uh-oh.
No, why not? Why no?
It's untouched,
it has to be touched.
That is correct.
You could not drink coconut milk
or coconut water because coconut
trees, palm trees, are from Asia
and they are not found natural
in the Caribbean.
It's an invasive species.
It competes with local trees.
They suck up the water.
They don't real provide
much nesting for birds.
They damage the soil.
Leaves are not nutritious to native
anima, and ahough coconuts
can drift from one island
to another
there are no currents to get them
from the Pacific to the Caribbean
without human help.
So it came because it was a way
of taking water on board ships
was to take coconuts with you.
But they are wonderfu coconuts,
because in the one thing you get
this high-calorie fo0d, you get
drinking water, you get a shell
that you can turn into charcoal
to cook on,
you get fibre that you can turn
into rope.
You can use the whole thing
to act as a float
if you're in the sea, you know.
You can disguise a bear as a lady.
Yes. Yes.
Horse noises.
They are terrific for horse noises.
I mean, for years and years,
there would have been people playing
with coconuts who'd never
seen a horse.
And then one day horses turn up.
Yeah!
They'd say, "These animals can do
"an amazing impression
of the coconuts."
The mutiny on the Bounty,
actual, was triggered
because Captain Bligh accused
the crew of stealing coconuts.
I mean, they're real valuable
and beautiful things.
Where is the world's longest
mountain range?
It's underwater. Yes.
Alan, you used to be
the silly one on this show.
Yeah, then you lot turned up.
You never would have got that
series one.
You're absolute right -
it's the Mid-Oceanic Ridge.
It's an enormous system
of underwater mountains.
It's pretty much everywhere.
If you lo0k at that, it's the Arctic
through the Atlantic
to the Antarctic, I ndian
and Pacific Oceans,
and that all links up together.
It's about 40, OOO miles long.
So if you think about one
of the great mountain ranges
that we can see, like the Andes,
that's about 4,3OO miles.
This is 40, OOO miles and it zigzags
across the entire planet.
It lo0ks like the globe's
had a terrible accident.
Or a massive railway.
If we could see it, it'd be the most
prominent topographic feature
on the Earth's surface.
What's really the point, though?
You know what I mean? Like, why...?
What's the point of an underwater
mountain? Yeah, what's it up to?
Are you not enjoying
nature any more, Lou? No, no.
I just think. Come on, let's have
a look at you.
You pull the plug out - amazing.
So an enormous amount of tectonic
activity happens along this ridge
that's real important.
There was a woman oceanographer
called Marie Tharp.
She was an American,
and she discovered the ridge.
She discovered it in 1952.
Despite not being allowed to go
to sea on any of the expeditions.
Wow. So the Navy rules were
men on,
so what she did was she to0k
all the measurements that the men
brought back from sea, and she
said - this is her own words -
"I had a blank canvas to fill
with extraordinary possibilities.
"It was a once-in-a-lifetime,
a once-in-the-history-of-the-world
"opportunity for anyone,
but especial for a woman
"in the 194Os."
And every time she mapped out the
measurements, she found this huge
rift in the middle of the ocean.
And all her colleagues said
it was just girl talk
and it was nonsense.
What's the point, basical?
And then they realised that it was
the Earth's largest physical
feature, and she did all this
sitting at a desk
and not out at sea.
It is an enormous
important discovery.
We know almost nothing about
the world's biggest mountain range,
but what we do know we owe
to Marie Tharp.
Right, step right up.
What does this machine test?
Strength.
KLAXON
What? Yeah, no. Kinetic energy.
Oh, no, I like that.
I don't know what that is, Ed.
He HAS turned very clever.
He has!
I just said the words, I don't know
what it is. Don't worry.
It's a traditional fairground
or pier attraction.
It's known as the high striker,
the strongman game, strength tester.
It's actual a test
of accuracy, OK?
The key is to maximise the force
exerted on the mechanism by hitting
the exact centre of the impact
button flat and square
with the mallet.
So there's a website called The Art
of Manliness, and it recommends
using the same action
as for splitting wood with an axe.
Now, you should have a mallet,
so now what we thought we'd do
is that we'd get you to have a go,
and then we'll add the points
that you gather on the machine
to your score for the show today.
OK, who wants to go first?
I'll go first. OK.
All right. Go and try it out.
Now, it is possible...
This game is not rigged -
the one we're showing you -
but they may have been rigged
in the past, so sometimes
they would set it to an easy mode
and somebody weak-lo0king would come
along and strike the bell with ease.
Right. Whack it, Ed. Whack it.
Whoa.
7O. Oh, that was 1o0, surely?
No, it was 7O. OK.
Is it fun?
Not, like, loads of fun.
LAUGHTER
Right, Sindhu, are you going to have
a go? Well done, Ed.
APPLAUSE
So when they rigged it,
they would set it to easy and some
weak guy would hit the bel
and then a big, strong bloke
would say, "Oh, I could do that if
that weak guy can do it," and then
they'd set it to hard and he'd get,
like, an embarrassing low score.
And then the men would all be pumped
up and want to have a go.
Come on, Sindhu!
What did she get?
A generous 50, I 'd say. A 50?
We're going to say 50.
Well done, darling, congratulations.
Take a run up.
Shall I?
Oh, you missed it completely!
You're an actual menace.
Here we go. Super Lou!
Oh.
Again.
That was worse.
No. OK. Alan?
Add them together.
40.
It couldn't have been. It wasn't 40.
Ten!
50.60.50.
I'm going to give you 50. Thanks,
Sandi. So, in...
I don't hit things professional.
Oh, go on, give it a whack, Sandi.
It's very satisfying.
Will you hit it for me?
It is very satisfying.
Guy, will you give it a go?
Come on, come and do this.
Go on, Guy, you've got this.
Come on, Guy.
Oh!
Wasn't that great? That's
amazing. I ncredible.
Oh, well done, Guy, I love that.
Well... I smell a rat,
a stinking rat.
Wow. It lo0ks like the sun's going
down, so we better call it a day,
pack up the deck chairs and take
a look at the scores. I n last place,
all at sea, it's Sindhu with 42.
APPLAUSE
Next, with 45 points, it's Lou.
APPLAUSE
With 53 points, it's Ed!
APPLAUSE
With 58 points, it's Alan.
APPLAUSE
But taking top prize tonight with
1OO points, its floor manager
extraordinaire Guy Smart. What?!
APPLAUSE
Thank you to Sindhu, Ed, Lou
and Alan, and I leave you
with this observation by American
motivational speaker Bob Moawad.
"You can't leave fo0tprints
in the sands of time
"if you're sitting on your butt,
and who wants to leave butt prints
"in the sands of time?"
Go0dnight.
SEAGULLS SQUAWK