QI (2003–…): Season 19, Episode 1 - Sick - full transcript

This programme contains some strong
language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to a sick episode of
QI,

where we'll be sneezing and sniffling,

but always socially distancing, of
course.

I think our guest list this evening
must be some sort of sick joke.

They are - sick as a parrot, it's Jo
Brand.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sick as a dog, it's Maisie Adam.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sick as a pig, it's Lee Mack.



CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

- Hello.

- And sick as a blue whale, it's Alan
Davies.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And their buzzers don't sound quite
themselves.

Jo goes...

MAN GROANS

Maisie goes...

MAN RETCHES, STOMACH GURGLES

Lee goes...

MAN COUGHS AND VOMITS

And Alan goes...

- Mate, that is well sick!

- LAUGHTER



Right, on with the questions.

Which weirdo genius left a plague zone
to test his eyesight?

MAN GROANS

- Mine sounds the most like sex,
doesn't it?

Well, my kind of...
- I was going to say, not to me, Jo.
- No.

- That's quite an insight, there.
- To me, sadly.

I was going to say possibly some kind
of wanker.

- LAUGHTER

I mean, you can't...
- No, no, no,

just because he's got failing eyesight

and that's what they say, isn't it, if
you...
- If you...?

Oh, I see!
- It's a bold statement for the only
person wearing glasses.

- LAUGHTER

- "Who said that?"

- LAUGHTER

Did you want to say something?
- Dominic Cummings.
- Dominic Cummings!

KLAXON

- He did what any good father would
do!
- Yes.

- As the age-old saying goes,

if your eyes are given your hassle,
drive to Barnard Castle.

- LAUGHTER

When was there a plague before?

- The bubonic plague?
- Yeah, the Great Plague.

- Round about 1380-something, wasn't
it?

- Wasn't there one more recent than
that? 17th century?
- 1665.

- Yes, yes! A point!

- 1665. Yes, I know, right?

APPLAUSE

- I retire.

I knew what century the Great Plague
was in. Come on!

- A plague swept the south-east of
England and Sir Isaac Newton

fled Cambridge and shut himself up at
the family farm at Woolsthorpe.

So what do we know about Newton?
Theory of...?
- The apple on his head.

- It's gravity, isn't it?
- Except that didn't happen. It was a
myth?
- What?!

That apple thing's a myth?!
- Are you telling me the apple went
up?

- He propagated it as a bit of a myth,
the story about the apple, but it is

from exactly the same time. So his
theory of gravity is from then.

But he also studied optics

and he wanted to work out how the eye
worked.

And this was a guy who was fully
committed, OK?

So in order to work it out, he took a
bodkin,

which is like a little hatpin,

and put it between...
- No.
- ..his eyeball...
- No.

- ..and the socket to see what effect
that would have on his vision.

- Why?!
- Anyway, he poked around and
apparently it does

affect your eyesight, affected what
colours he saw,

and he could see spots before his eyes
and so on,

and I think that's kind of a
dedication to his work right there.

- Wow.
- And he is immediately following the
plague,

he studied the best way to cure the
disease and he decided

the best option - to make toad vomit
lozenges.

Anybody want the recipe?
- Yes, please.
- OK, so first of all,

hang your toad upside down in the
chimney for three days, OK?
- What?

- I hope that's not a euphemism.
- In the chimney?

- He was full of ideas.
- I know.
- With the fire going underneath it?

- It doesn't say, it doesn't say about
the fire. Just says,

"Collect vomit emitted before it dies
on a dish of yellow wax.

"Be sure to include the detritus from
the bottom of your fireplace" -

so bits of ash and so on -

"and then grind the vomit with the
frog remains and form lozenges."

And then you place the lozenges around
the affected body parts.

And the idea is the tablets would draw
the poison out of the body.

- So they're not lozenges to suck,
then?
- No.
- How disappointing.

- Yes, I know. Right? Anyway, do you
think it worked?

- No.
- No, of course not.
- Yeah. Oh.

- It's a time when mysticism and
alchemy were pretty much

indistinguishable from chemistry and
biology.

So it was just his best guess. I have
to say that the prescription

was not worthless because it was sold.

The handwritten recipe by Newton was
sold at Bonhams in 2020 for £60,000.

So...
- In 2020?
- Quite ironic, isn't it, really,

given what he was like with his eyes.
20/20.
- Yeah.

LAUGHTER

The similarities between the 2020
coronavirus epidemic

and the Great Plague of 1665 are sort
of startling.

So King Charles II, he shut down the
pubs, he shut down the universities,

he banned most public gatherings.

Every day, the death tolls were
publicly posted.

Mourning was limited.
- What about afternoon? Ha-ha-ha.
Sorry.

- LAUGHTER

And, actually, plague doctors sort of
wore PPE,

it's the rather famous mask... There
it is, the beaked mask,

and it probably worked. It's a bit
like face masks today.

I mean, incorrectly, they thought it
was the sweet-smelling perfume

that you placed in the beak that
protected them from the bad smells.

- Oh, I thought that was a socially
distancing thing.

- That's not foolish...surprisingly.
That is exactly right.

- Well, then don't use it in the edit,
I've got my brand to think of.

- LAUGHTER

You've got a brand, darling?
- Of course. Paddy McGuinness

can't do those Greggs adverts forever.

- LAUGHTER

And they also wore thick gloves and
they had long sleeves and stuff,

basically preventing fleas from biting
their skin.

Now, who has shooting stars coming out
of their bottom?

- Are you...?
- What?
- Oh, this is a question. I thought
you had...

- It's a philosophical question.

- I thought you were being very middle
class and you wanted to know who's
farted.

- Yes, I say who's got shooting stars
coming out of their bottom?

What do you call it in your family,
with the children?

Like, my family called it trumping.

- We say pumps.
- Pumps.
- I'm old school. I say fart.
- Yeah.

- But, you know, they like to say
bottom burp. "Who's bottom burped?"

I go, not me, I farted.

- LAUGHTER

- And we've got a dog now and you know
how smelly their farts can be.

- Yeah.
- And you can't call that a bottom
burp,

it's too nice and delicate a word,
isn't it, for what they do.

- We call it attempted murder.
- Yeah, it is, isn't it?

- Shooting stars out of the bottom?

- Well, I could imagine that I might
have had a row with Vic Reeves

when we were pissed and he might have
shoved a DVD up

and then had to pull it out again. I
don't know.

- One of Jo's crazy nights out.

- LAUGHTER

We're up in space.

- We're up in space. Shooting stars
out the backside.

Is it what methane does when it reacts
with a vacuum?

- Wow. That's very scientific.
- What happened to that brand?

- Oh, God.
- I know.

- Eh, is it a fat bloke who's eaten
too many silver star biscuits?

- LAUGHTER

Much better, Lee.
- Use that one.

- So the International Space Station
has had a lavatory upgrade.

Here it is.
- look at that.

- It's called the Universal Waste
Management System

and it cost $23 million.

- That costs $23 million?
- For one?
- So, yeah, for one. Yeah.

Everybody has to share, up on the
International Space Station.

Here is the thing. This particular
toilet has the ability

to sort faecal bits from the rest of
the waste to allow the liquid

to be recycled...
- 23 million?!

- Wait...
- You can buy a sieve for 4.99.

- Well...
- What are they recycling it as? No,
no, don't you dare.

- They're recycling the liquid as...
- Lucozade.

- Water.
- Drinking water.
- No, no.
- Drinking water.

- For them on the spaceship?
- Mm.
- Oh, come on.

- No, for the Royal Family!

- LAUGHTER

- That's unbelievable.
- It is unbelievable.

But the good news is if you're a woman
and you want to go into space,

there is an improvement for women
astronauts.

There's now a funnel especially
designed for women

and they're a sort of - how can I put
this? - there's, like, ridges

to help women position themselves.

But we still haven't found a truly
unisex lavatory

that works for everybody.

- Are they holding their personal
toilet?
- They're all... Yes.

- Where is the...? Where are the
ridges? On the inside of the...

- So the women have to, yes, position
their bottom exactly right.

- Where are the ridges?
- So there is a serious issue, OK -

the old toilet did not allow
astronauts to urinate and defecate

at the same time. And that is more
difficult for women to control.

It's just a thing.
- Can we just do a quick sort of straw
poll.
- Mm.

- Is it difficult for you not to
defecate when you've had a piss?

- Sorry, can I just check, Jo, have
you been speed dating before?

- LAUGHTER

- "Can I just check,

"do you find it difficult to defecate
and piss at the same time?

"No? You're in, get your coat, you've
pulled."
- I was so excited

about being on this show. I told my
mum and dad, they said,

"Oh, you're on with Jo Brand? Let me
know what she's like."

I'm going to tell her, you'll never
guess what that she asked me, Mum.

- If women defecate, they nearly
always urinate at the same time.

- I'm 52. I don't think I ever knew
that.
- Yeah.

- Never crops up, though, does it?
- It does when I'm speed dating.

That's how I met my husband. Anyway...
- What they have now

is they have, like, a training potty
on the ground

which has got a camera in it to teach
you how to position yourself.

And so what they have is a vacuum
cleaner-like contraption

to suck away the urine and then a hole
with a bag for the faeces, OK?

- But how...?
- Surely just a cork would do.

- That would certainly sort it out.
But there was a problem.

It was a really big problem in the
early days.

They used to have to put some
germ-killing liquid in the bags,

the bag with the faeces, and then they
had to knead it

for a few minutes.
- They themselves?
- Yes.

So it could be stabilised and then it
was stowed away

for re-entry.
- Re-entry?!

- LAUGHTER

- Wow! Surely they could just put it
in the bin?

- So, when the toilet container is
full of sealed poo bags,

it jettisons them into space

and they eventually burn up in the
Earth's atmosphere

and become shooting stars.

- Oh.
- That's not going to be quite as
romantic now we see..
- No.

- "Oh, look, you know that, I reckon
that was Neil Armstrong

"having a shit, that one."
- Anyway, moving on.

Now, what's the best way to survive in
the Sahara?
- Oh.

- JO:
- Are we allowed to ask you about
this?
- Yes, go on, then.

- Cos I reckon you know quite a lot
about the Sahara cos you're Sandi.

- Hey-hey!

- Heeeey. Thank you.

- Thank God that was a joke cos I
thought your geography was terrible.

I thought you were going to go, "You
know about the Sahara cos you're
Danish."

- What was the question?

- What's the best way to survive in
the Sahara?

- Wear a hat.
- Yeah.
- I know how to get water.

You can get a bit of plastic with four
sticks in the corners

so it dips in the middle,

and you put a cup under it...
- Mm-hm.

- ..and then the condensation at night
will get under, on the underside,

and will all run to the middle and
drop in the cup.

- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:
- That's a tip from the outback in
Australia that I learned when I was in
Australia.

- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: You're absolutely
right.

NORMAL ACCENT: But what if you've got
some water?

Should you make it last for a long
time or drink it all?

What should you do?
- Sip it slowly.
- No.
- No.

I know that. I meant gulp it all down
in one.

In fact, only have half of it and
throw the other half away.

- LAUGHTER

Lots and lots of hikers who have been
found in a poor condition

have been found with plenty of water
in their bottles.

If you're thirsty, you should drink.
The water is better inside you than it
is inside the bottle.

And you should use relatively large
gulps, to be honest,

cos if you use small sips, the body
does not recognise

that it has been rehydrated and you
stay thirsty.

But the first thing...
- And you should, by the way,

once you've emptied your bottle,

fill it up with your urine and drink
it.
- No.
- No?
- Yes.

- You shouldn't do that?
- No.
- Bear Grylls does that.
- Absolutely not.

No matter what Bear Grylls says,
drinking urine will only further
dehydrate you.

Why might that be?
- Because it's very salty.
- Unbelievably salty.

It has a salt content of about 2%,
depending on the person.
- Oh, Bear.

- That's not much lower than sea
water, which is 3.5%.

And kidneys will waste water trying to
remove the salt from the body

for a second time.

So one of the other things is what you
said about wearing a hat,

saves sweat, not water, so you can
reduce the amount of water

you're losing by finding shade.

Don't eat too much because your body
will waste water digesting it

and even keeping out of the wind,

because air can speed up sweat
evaporation.

What about taking water out of a
cactus? What do we think about that?

- I'd say that's a good idea.

- LAUGHTER

So you're in the Sahara...
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you'd struggle to find one.

- Oh, you're still in the Sahara?
- I'm still in the Sahara.

- You didn't say that. Oh, in that
case,

if you're in the Sahara, I'll tell you
what, I wouldn't even bother, there
isn't any.

- What do you think kills more people
than that thirst in the desert?

- I bet it's hypothermia.
- No, it's not hypothermia.

It's counterintuitive is what it is.
- Chapped lips.

- What would be the very, very, very
extreme opposite of dehydration?

- Drowning.
- Drowning is exactly right.

- Drowning?
- Drowning in the desert?
- Drowning is exactly right.

People neglect the threat of flash
floods.

So dry channels, ditches, what are
sometimes called wadi,

they can fill with water really
quickly.

And it's fantastically strong and
very, very violent.

And it can suddenly create a wall 10
to 30 feet high.

More people will die of drowning than
they will die of thirst.

- Don't go to the desert without a
life jacket.

- I just love the idea of Alan walking
around in a life jacket.

"You'll see. You'll see."

- Speaking of a lack of water,

what Olympic sport could you do in an
empty swimming pool?

- So we're looking for a sport that
roughly takes place in that size?

- Well, it's a sport that developed
from empty swimming pools.

- Skateboarding.
- Yes!
- What about comedy diving?

- You'd only have the event the one
time, I think.

- Like that TV show Splash! that you
did, but it'd be called Thud!

- I was just going to say synchronised
swimming,

cos then it's just dancing, innit?
- That would just be nice.

- Just dancing in a floral bonnet.

- There was a drought in California in
the late 1970s and it meant

there were a lot of pools that were
left empty and it coincided

with the rise of skateboarding and it
helped develop the concept,

first of all, of something called bowl
skating. And then...

- Not a pool like that, though.
They're called kidney shaped pools.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I used to skateboard, you know. Back
in the day.
- Did you?

- Yes, I loved it. Had Kryptonic
wheels.

Red. 65 mils. There are people at home
going, "Oh!"

- When you see, like, the sort of '90s
grunge music videos from California,

they're often skateboarding around...
- Doing the stuff. Yeah.

- Alan's quite pleased that you
associate his skateboarding with the
'90s!

It was a long time before that.
- They're all skateboarding round

and Alan's there going, "I'll pick you
up at five, love."

- LAUGHTER

Anyway, some tricks.

Let's see if anybody can tell me what
they entail. A stiffy.

- That's when you skateboard with an
erection.

- LAUGHTER

- And it's very important not to fall.

Is a stiffy when you go along those
metal railings

cos they're stiff?
- No. So you jump off the top of the
ramp,

you keep both your feet on the board,

and then you straighten your legs and
hold your board with your hand.

OK, how about a hippy jump?
- Oh, well, that's easy.

You just got a fellow along to lie
down and try and jump him like a
double decker bus.

- A little bit.
- Is it a bit like that?
- A little bit.

Basically, you jump off your board, so
over an obstacle,

it keeps rolling and then you land
back on it.

- Oh, I've seen these.
- Have you?
- Yeah.
- Salad grind.

- That's just a lunch break from it
all, isn't it?

- So the back wheels slide across the
top of a ramp

while the front is raised upwards.
It's named after the inventor, a man

called Ed Dressen and who was known to
his friends as "Salad" Dressen.

- Oh, clever.
- Oh, now you've explained I can't
believe I didn't get it.

- Yeah. The opposite of a salad grind
is a willy grind

where the front slides on the ramp and
the back is depressed.

- And your cock goes along the edge of
the ramp.

- Named after a Filipino boarder
called Willy Santos.

This one's very unpleasant. This is
called a sack tap.

- I know what a back, crack and sack
is.
- Have you ever had one?

- No. I've often thought about it.
- Why have you thought about it?

Are you particularly hairy?
- No, but I'd like to be smooth.

- LAUGHTER

- Just for once, you know.

- Do you know what the correct term is
for hairy buttocks?
- I do not.

- Dasypygal.
- Wasn't she a judge on Strictly?

Sack tap. Well, a sack,

it'll be something about you go so low
down...
- Yeah.

- ..that you're tapping your sack on
the board.

- Oh, you'd, like, teabag the floor.
- Teabagging the floor to put it

in more youthful terminology.

- So the skater has jumped off the top
of the ramp, OK,

they grab the board with both hands

and then they tap the scrotum with the
board and then put the board

back under the feet. Who thought that
was a thing?

- Tapping your scrotum with a
skateboard?
- Be awful if you started,

and you didn't even have to lift the
board up!
- Lee!

That's horrible.

- What is so solid about the siksik
squirrel?

- What are you calling him, the
squirrel?
- Siksik.
- Siksik?

- Also known as the Arctic ground
squirrel.

- Siksik.
- He's called siksik because that's
the sound he makes.

It's onomatopoeic.
- Oh.
- Very strong teeth.

- No. This is... You know, every now
and then we do a creature on here

that I go, oh, isn't the world
amazing?

So it hibernates for eight months of
the year, during which time

it freezes solid - the whole squirrel,
OK?
- What?!

- It can supercool its blood to minus
three degrees centigrade.

So that's colder than any other mammal
can survive.

Humans die if our temperature
fluctuates even by a few degrees

either side of 37.5.

So a liquid needs something for its
molecules to grab on to

before it can form ice crystals.

And to avoid this, all imperfections
are removed from a siksik's blood

and we do not know how they do this.
- Whoa.

- But here's the really unfortunate
side-effect.

They hide away, so you can...
- I can imagine what the side-effect
is -

people finding them.
- If you picked one up, darling, and
you shook it,

it would freeze and die.
- Oh!

- So its heartbeat slows down to just
twice a minute.

So that's the same pace as a...
- Blue whale.
- A blue whale, exactly right.

Every three weeks, it comes out of
hibernation

because it has to go to sleep,

because, even though it's been frozen,

the brain still needs sleep from time
to time.

Now, what happens to your body if you
engage in too much spelunking?

- Spelunking...
- Is it one of your skateboard moves?

- Oh! No. I like that, though. We've
done a quick spelunk.

So the Latin "spelunca" is cave.

So it's the hobby of exploring caves -
spelunking.

- Oh!
- Ah.
- So, in 1989, they did an experiment.

They took a 27-year-old Italian
interior designer called

Stefania Follini and it was an
experiment about circadian rhythm,

so about the way in which your body
normally functions.

And she lived in isolation in a cave
in New Mexico.

This is the actual cave where she
lived. She had a guitar,

she had computers not attached to the
internet.

She found two mice in the cave,

which she named Giuseppe and
Nicoletta,

and they became her sort of
companions.

- I thought you said she found a mouse
called Giuseppi and Nicol ate her.

Don't know who Nicol is but it's her
only friend, she could have left him
alone.

- She lost weight. She had very low
vitamin D. Her period stopped.

Her body clock changed completely.

She would stay awake for 20 hours and
then sleep for 10.
- Oh.

- And when she came out after 130
days,

she guessed she'd been there for 60
days.
- Whoa!
- Did she have...

She had the lighting, right?

- She had that lighting, but she
didn't have any natural light.

- She had no form of time-telling.
- ..whatsoever.

And when she came out, it was really
way, way too bright for her.

She had to have dark glasses and so
on. There she is, coming out.

- Oh, yeah.
- Looks all right.
- Looks all right, but that's going
in.
- Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Caves - we go back to spelunking - can
obviously cause claustrophobia,

but I just wanted to show you this

cos it's one of my bucket list things
I want to do.

It's the Sarawak Chamber in Borneo. It
is... Look at that.
- Wow, yeah.

- But what you get in there is not
claustrophobia,

because obviously it's a large space.

You get agoraphobia, which is...

A lot of people call it a fear of open
spaces

but, basically, it's a situation where
you feel

there may be no escape from it.
- Isn't it ag-raphobia?
- It... Yes.

- It's not called agoraphobia...
- OK, so the Elves and I had

had a long discussion about this...

- Isn't the Agora the name of the
public square?

Is that where it comes?
- Yes. It is to do with wide open
spaces.

And I said ag-raphobia and they
assured me it was agoraphobia.

- They're wrong.
- But everybody says "ag-raphobia".
- Everyone says...

- It's the same word with different
pronunciations.

- Listen to them backtracking in your
ear.

"It's the same word, it's the same
word!

"It's a different pronunciation!"
You've got it wrong!

You Elves... El-ves, I call you.

- LAUGHTER

People in that cave might be suffering
from megalophobia,

which is a fear of huge structures.
- Me-gail-o-phobia.

- You could fit ten Wembley stadia
inside there.
- Stadium!

- LAUGHTER

- We just say Wembleys.
- You don't need a plural of Wembley
Stadium, do you?

There's only ever going to be one.
- Unless you need to fit ten of them.

- They must be Wembley Stadiums
because they can only ever be

one Wembley Stadium.
- OK.
- Thank you. Good night.

- LAUGHTER

It's a shame, cos you really were
looking as though you were going to
win and now I don't know.

- I never win on this show.
- Do you want to win?

- More than you could possibly
imagine, Jo. I always come last, Jo.

- OK.
- And with that, it's time for a round
of killer questions,

the plague on all your houses that we
call General Ignorance.

Fingers on buzzers, please.

Which of these soaps will clean me up
best?

- Oh.
- Oh, yes, Lee.
- Gotta be the antibacterial.

- KLAXON

- It's got to be. Are the Elves wrong
again?

- LAUGHTER, KLAXON

- Oh, no, sorry, sorry, no, no, no,
no, no.

Is it the antibac-terial? Did I
pronounce it wrong?

- Maisie.
- Normal.
- You're absolutely right.

There is no clear evidence that
antibacterial soap is any better.

May even be worse.

So soap works by dissolving fats,
which helps dislodge the dirt...

- What?!

- LAUGHTER

To think if you just showered more.
- No-one told me that!

- I eat three bars a day.

- You've not been overeating, you've
been underwashing.
- Yes!

LAUGHTER

A lot of those beauty bars, the ones
that smell really nice,

are technically not soap at all.
- They're cheese.

- Just lathering yourself up with
brie.
- Philadelphia.

- Are they toad vomit?

- "Oh, God, I've left the toad in the
chimney again!"

- They're technically synthetic
detergents and not soap at all.

Soap has to consist of alkali salts,
fatty acids.

How can you tell that your toe is not
broken?

- You can wiggle it.

- KLAXON

- Oh.

I forget with this show to say it in
your head first.
- Yeah.

Edit.
- Yeah.
- So it is an old maxim if you can
move it, it's not broken.

It's not only unsympathetic, it's
untrue.

- I mean, the toe is the least of that
person's worries.
- Yeah.

- You've managed to find the only
picture of somebody who hasn't broken
their toe.

- The poor person is going to wake up
and they've just got somebody going,

"Great news is - wiggle them toes!"

- I think the best clue is if you hear
a loud snap,

that's usually... That's the best
clue.

How does eating food help you get less
drunk?
- It lines...mm.

- Oh!
- Go on, Maisie!
- Go on, Maisie!
- Come on!

- Maisie was going to say line your
stomach.
- No!

- KLAXON

- That's for you.

That's not me, that's for you.

- What's Kate Middleton doing in the
kitchen?

- If you were there you'd go, "You
need to take a look at yourself,
love."

- Yeah.
- She looks like... Eating a pizza,
swigging...

- Come on, Lee, that's your dream
girl.

- Anyway, here's the thing. When you
drink alcohol,

it can enter your bloodstream one of
two ways - either through your stomach
or your small intestine.

The intestine obviously has a much
larger surface area, so it absorbs
alcohol much more quickly.

And which of these is going to end up
doing the job

depends on what you have eaten.

So if you are full, the sphincter
between your stomach

and your small intestine is closed and
more of the work will be done

by your stomach, so a fatty meal

can reduce your peak alcohol
concentration by 50%.

- Never mind all that, we ordered
olives - where are they?

- So what's the right thing to eat?

- You want to have something... It
doesn't actually line your stomach,

it just keeps your stomach very busy

so that it can't get through to the
intestine.
- Keeps it busy.

- It's the same reason, darling that
low-sugar mixers, you know,

like slimline tonics, you get drunk
faster...
- I've never had a slimline tonic in
my life.

- Never been so insulted!

- They get you drunk faster than
normal mixers.
- Oh. Do they?

- Yeah. So with a normal...
- I'll try it, then.

- With a normal sugary mix, there's
lots of calories to burn,

it keeps your stomach working and it
keeps the alcohol away

from the intestines for longer.

In fact, it can put you over the limit
on a breathalyser.

That's the difference.

Eating might help you slow how drunk
you get, but it doesn't do it by
soaking up the booze.

Helen of Troy had a face that launched
how many ships?

Careful, Maisie.
- Oh, Maisie, what is it?
- Come on, Maisie.

I can't remember the number now. Help
me out here, Maisie.

- Oh, shall I do it? Maisie, I'll do
it. A thousand.

- KLAXON

Yay!

- But, at the time, there weren't a
thousand ships in the world.

There weren't enough shipbuilders.
Yeah, something like that.

There weren't any oceans. There were
no such thing as... No-one had sailed
anywhere.

- LAUGHTER

- No? None of those?

People rowed. They didn't launch
ships.

They didn't have a slip thing. They
didn't have the champagne bottle.

They would they would take the ship
out a bit at a time.

- She didn't have a face.
- She was faceless!

It's totally smooth and faceless like
an AI robot.

- The face that launched a thousand
ships, it dates back to

a 1592 play, Doctor Faustus by
Christopher Marlowe

and it's a rounding down.

Homer's Iliad specifically says there
were 1,186 ships

in the Greek fleet that sailed to Troy
for the Trojan War.

Actually, there's lots of
misconceptions about the Iliad.

It makes no mention of a wooden horse
whatsoever.

That's actually referred to in The
Odyssey, which is the sequel,

and then only in sort of flashback
form.

And, of course, Helen of Troy was
actually Helen of...
- Birmingham.

- LAUGHTER

Sparta. She was actually Helen of
Sparta.

- That's why I won't read The Iliad.
There's too many misconceptions.

- Yes, there's too much stuff.
- It's like The Crown.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

There were 1,186 ships in Homer's
Iliad

and anyone who says it's 1,000 is
almost 20% out.

Which brings us to the exact science
of the scores.

- Come on, not last. I'll take it.
I'll be happy.

- Losing the game and their lunch in
last place, with minus 27...

..it's Maisie.
- Oh.

- APPLAUSE

Feeling green around the gills in
third place, with minus 15 is Jo!

APPLAUSE

On the road to recovery in second
place, with minus three, it's Alan.

APPLAUSE

And in first place...
- Has that fuckwit won?

- LAUGHTER

The eighth chunder of the world...

- I don't think me and you as the
Chuckle Brothers would work.

- ..with no points whatsoever...
- I'll take it.
- It's Lee!
- Yay!

- APPLAUSE

Thanks to Maisie, Lee, Jo and Alan

and I leave you with this sickly sign
off from the late, great

Ken Dodd. I just read a book about
Stockholm syndrome.

It started off badly, but by the end,
I really liked it. Good night.

APPLAUSE