QI (2003–…): Season 18, Episode 18 - VG: Part 2 - full transcript

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

*Q I*
Season 18 Episode 18

Episode Title: "VG: Part 2 (Series R)"
Aired on: February 04, 2021

Good evening and welcome to QI,

for a selection of some of my
favourite bits from the R series.

What's the least sportsmanlike thing
you can do on a rugby pitch?

What they used to do at school was
put Deep Heat in the jockstraps.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

Is Deep Heat a euphemism?

No.

Oh. It's a product...
It's a product.



..that will warm up your genitals
to a terrific degree during a scrum.

LAUGHTER

I don't understand this picture,

because I don't know
anything about rugby.

They're not playing rugby there.

Oh, I see, OK.
LAUGHTER

Tripping? You're not allowed
to trip people up.

You're not allowed to trip people,
but this is a truly terrible thing

and I think it doesn't reflect well,
frankly, on England.

It was 1889,
New Zealand's ruby team,

they were fairly newly formed,
they came over to

play against England
in a place called Blackheath.

And during the game,
one of the English players,

a man called Andrew Stoddart,



he was tackled and his shorts
accidentally ripped off.

So, very nicely, the Kiwi players
surrounded Stoddart to

allow him to get back his modesty.
Nice.

While this was happening,
another English player,

a man called Frank Evershed,
picked up the ball and scored a try.

I know, Lou, right? That's not on.

Scored a try unopposed,
which was allowed by the referee,

a man called Rowland Hill,
who also happened to be

the Secretary... Oh, come on!

..of the English Rugby Football
Union.

Three of the Kiwi players went off
in protest, they were so furious.

England won the game 7-0,
and the Kiwis were later forced

to apologise for their players
leaving the field.

Wow! It's not a good story, is it?
No.

No. No. But I have a worse one.

So almost 100 years later,
so we're talking about 1986,

the All Blacks, they endured
a crotch-related incident.

So there was a guy called Wayne
Shelford, he went on to be captain.

In one of the first games he ended
up at the bottom of the ruck.

He lost four teeth and a French boot
ripped open his scrotum...

AUDIENCE GROANS

Very low groan there.

..and left a testicle hanging out.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS GROAN

It was sewn together
on the sidelines.

LAUGHTER

He played on
until way into the second half,

when he was knocked unconscious.

He says he has no memory
of the game.

LAUGHTER

What was the question?

LAUGHTER

Let's play What's That Sign?

BLUEGRASS MUSIC PLAYS
What's That Sign?

OK, have a look at this first sign,
and can you tell me what it is for?

Wobbly trucks? Wobbly trucks, OK.

Is it toasters in use?

LAUGHTER

So they did a survey, by Kwik Fit,

they surveyed 45,000 drivers.

26% could not identify this sign.

100% of you on the panel.

Anybody in the audience?

Put your hand up if you think
you know what this is.

Yes, darling, with the beard?

Adverse camber?

It is adverse camber.

Wow. Wow!

Wow, I bet YOU'RE fun.

LAUGHTER

"Ah, yes, that'll be adverse camber,
yeah, that will be."

That's his safe word.

LAUGHTER

HE WAILS: Adverse camber!

LAUGHTER

It does sound like a town in Dorset,
doesn't it?

"Oh, she's living in Adverse Camber
at the moment."

Try this one.
What does this one mean, anybody?

No waiting.

Does it mean no waiting, sir?

No.

No, what's it mean?

Is that the Swedish flag?

No, the Swedish flag
is blue and yellow!

LAUGHTER

I don't want to be shamed
for just guessing, Sandi.

LAUGHTER

Does anybody in the audience? Does
literally nobody know what this is?

Yes, the gentleman in the red shirt.

Clearway.
It IS a clearway, absolutely right.

Same thing, same thing!

Well, it means no...
You can't even stop and pick up.

That's what he said!
Yes, yes, yes, yes! No stopping.

No, you said no waiting.

Yes! He said no stopping.

LAUGHTER

No, but you can't wait,
you can't even stop!

No, you can't!
LAUGHTER

I'm going to give you an extra point

so that you don't have a seizure.
LAUGHTER

You know, Alan's the first person to
get road rage sitting in a studio.

In the survey, 33% of people
could not identify this sign.

It is indeed a clearway.
And the final one,

let's have a look at this.
Anybody know what this is? Yes?

Is that one, don't take A FENCE?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Don't take a fence
from the top of a barber's shop.

That is what it looks like.

Anybody know what it identifies?

Is it to do with a level crossing?

It is to do with a level crossing.
What do the bars below it mean?

I'm just trying to lip-read
the man in the audience

who knows everything.

His wife's having the best
afternoon of her life.

It must be nice to be
out of the house. Is it? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Hands up anybody who knows
what this one means.

I bet you whoever knows the next
answer will have a white beard.

No stopping on the level crossing?
No stopping on the level crossing.

No, is not what it is.
You need a sign for that?! Yes.

LAUGHTER

"We'll leave it here, shall we?
This seems like...

"Quite lucky to be parked
so close to the station, actually."

LAUGHTER

ALAN IMITATES TRAIN HORN

"No waiting!"

Boof!

LAUGHTER

Baby hyraxes have to eat
their parents' poo.

Which is, in the long...?

They don't have to, come on.
Yes, they do have to, darling.

They don't have the necessary
bacteria to digest plant stuffs,

so, a bit like baby koalas,

the solution is
to eat the mother's faeces.

There's got to be another solution.

"Get it while it's hot."

LAUGHTER

"Tuck in, kids!"

"Eat that before it goes cold!"

LAUGHTER

So, a hyrax is about this big.
Yeah, it's about that big.

And its poo is this big. That big.

What would you guess
their closest relative to be?

Meerkat.

Yeah, you would think that,
but it's not a meerkat.

Well, it's not their parents, if
they're making them do that. Yeah.

That's upset you, hasn't it?
Yeah. It's just not on. No.

You'd think they could just have
a yoghurt or something. Yeah.

Yeah, something with friendly
bacteria. That's fine.

Yeah. Yeah, that would be
much more civilised.

The nearest relative to a hyrax.
Pick an animal.

Is it a dog?
Mouse, rat, cat, dog. Huge. Raccoon.

Huge. Elephant. Huge? Elephant.
Elephant. Tiger. An elephant?

No, an elephant?! Elephant, yeah.

Elephants and sea cows,
or manatees.

They share a fairly recent
common ancestor.

This is going to come up
in a couple of years' time.

"When science got it wrong."
LAUGHTER

"Can you believe we ever thought
these three things were related?"

One geneticist,
one wrong decimal place.

A rogue geneticist.
One drunk geneticist.

"OK, I'll have that one,
that one and that one, yeah!"

That seems right, yeah, that's it.

Can I just say that I think
the Elves were a little bit drunk,

Cos I said,
"What was the common ancestor?"

And they did a picture for me?
Just have a look at this.

This is their view of what
the common ancestor looked like.

LAUGHTER

But you're very musical anyway,
aren't you, darling? You've been

a choreographer in your time?
I was a Bollywood

dance choreographer, yeah. For a...

How cool is that?
Oh, my goodness.

Go on, give us a couple of moves.

Yeah. Go on.

This one.

CHEERING

Well, OK. Fine, fine, fine.
I'll just say, my husband

is obsessed with Bollywood dancing,
he loves it.

But if you could teach me a couple
of signature moves to teach him,

he would be thrilled.

OK, I'll teach everyone, then.
OK, yeah. Something simple.

OK. Now the common misconception
of kind of any kind of Asian or

Indian dance moves is
the light bulb and pat the dog.

I can do that. Which, you can,
but that's also racist. So...

LAUGHTER

Right, I won't do that, then.

Light bulb, pat the dog,
I won't do that, then. No.

Well, I'll teach you.
Do we have to get up? No, no, no.
You can do it sitting down. OK.

Because the beauty of Bollywood is
a lot of the dancing is in the face.
Ah, OK.

If any of you have ever
looked for a remote under a sofa -

have you ever had to do that?
Yes, yes.

Yeah, so you kind of go like that.

Yes. And you don't find it.

Yeah.

And then do the other hand.

And do it together.

I like it.

Oh!

What's this?
And the middle finger to your thumb.

Kill the wasp, kill the wasp.

Kill the wasp
and then throw the wasp away.

Aah.
Kill the wasp, throw the wasp away.

Right, so let's do it together.
Oh, right. OK, ready?

Everybody, together, ready?
We've got to be a team.

Everybody? Right hand first. OK.
In, can't find it.

In, can't find it.

Found a wasp, threw it.
Found a wasp, threw it.

There you go.

Brilliant.

APPLAUSE

And you made a living doing that?
Yeah!

LAUGHTER

This is one of my least-favourite
things that I have ever seen.

It is the most dubious
rotating invention.

It's called an apparatus
for facilitating

the birth of a child
by centrifugal force.

Oh, Christ!

I know.

Do you have a cordon of
slip fielders?

LAUGHTER
Yes, well.

There was a net.

You want Ben Stokes in there
somewhere. Yes, you do!

So you'd strap the woman to it
and she, the idea is...

She doesn't look keen, the girl. No!

No, so the idea is to spin
her around at high speed,

and the baby is propelled out
and caught in a small net.

LAUGHTER

If you would like
to shorten your life,

the best place to go is
the Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas.

You can eat for free if you weigh
over 350lb or 25st.

So, just for you, that's about
three quarters of the weight

of a blue whale's heart.
That's quite a lot.

And you are verified by being
weighed at a cattle-weighing station

and then you are led to your table

if you are more than 350lb,
by your personal nurse.

It's a waiter. Wow.

And their signature Quadruple Bypass
Burger is just a shade under

10,000 calories.

It's made - there it is - it's made
of four half-pound beef patties,

20 strips of bacon,
8 slices of American cheese,

I say cheese,
it's American cheese.

A whole tomato, half an onion,
served in a bun coated with lard.

LAUGHTER

If you finish... Well, at least
the presentation's gorgeous. I know.

If you finish it,

your nurse will deliver you
to your car in a wheelchair.

And then do we know anything
about faecal matter?

LAUGHTER

I imagine you'd be bound up
for quite a while

after all that protein.
If you don't finish it,

she will spank you
in front of the other diners.

Really? Are you sure this is a real
restaurant and not

a dream you've had? It is a real
restaurant. It is a real restaurant.

In 2013, the unofficial spokesman
for the restaurant,

he was 52, died of a heart attack.

Three other people
have died on site...

What? ..in the restaurant.

The clue is in the fact that
the dish has bypass in the name.

Yes, I think that... Yeah.

They do have a vegan option.

LAUGHTER

It's a vegan! Ah, no.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right, I thought we might start with
a little bit of soup to begin.

So you've each got a bowl here
of beetroot soup.

So what I want you do is I want you
to demonstrate, please, how

to eat this bowl of beetroot soup
without getting your ruff all red.

Oh, that seems to be very wise.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah.

Oh!

Zoe, I think
you've definitely nailed it.

I think that is the answer. Whoa!

I bought one of those
La-Z-Boy sofas.

Yeah. And I can eat... Anything?
..completely horizontal.

OK, well, they didn't have those
sofas in Elizabethan times.

What they did have, in fact, was
a spoon specifically for eating...

Are you just going to drink the
whole...? Do you like beetroot soup?

It's very healthy. Hmm.
I love all soup.

Yeah, but be careful with beetroot,

cos in the morning you'll think
you need a colonoscopy. Oh, yes.

LAUGHTER

A terrible thing.
See if that's any easier.

Thank you. This is a ruff spoon.

So ruffs were...

Do you like this?
It's rather lovely, isn't it? Hmm.

There's more wobble
with a longer spoon.

Oh, do you not like the
longer spoon, then?

I find it more difficult.

And what about if you fed
each other? Would that be easier?

Oh, yes!

LAUGHTER

I don't know
if that would be easier.

This is like...
Oh! I think that's rather beautiful.

APPLAUSE

Yeah, I think that's rather lovely.

It's like Lady And The Tramp. Oh.

No! It's gone all down Susan's ruff.

Oh, Susan, I'm sorry. Tom!

But the sight of you
slurping that was

so disgusting
that I kind of dropped the spoon.

LAUGHTER

The strongest beer ever made,
according to

the Guinness World Records, was
a beer called The End Of History.

It was made by the Scottish company
BrewDog.

It was 55% alcohol.

So if you think vodka mostly is 40%.

What the hell?!
When you've had a pint of that,

this is what you see.
Yeah, this is what you see!

They sent ten... This is like
some of my lockdown dreams.

They sent ten of their investors
a bottle of this particular

beer mounted inside a taxidermy
roadkill squirrel.

It's not drunk as a beer, though,
is it?

It's drunk in a shot glass.

It says it should be drunk in small
servings, that is entirely correct.

I bet this is in the inside locker
of every RSPCA warden.

LAUGHTER

"Yeah, that's right, yeah.

"You care for them on the outside,
inside, yeah, go on!

"Turn them into a bottle,
that's what I say! Bloody vermin!

"You're bloody vermin,
that's what you are!

"That's the best you can hope for,
you miserable little git!"

LAUGHTER

"Turn them into an object,
that's what I say!"

APPLAUSE

What happens
when you have a bump on your head

and you wake up with
foreign language syndrome?

"Que?"

You don't speak in a foreign
language,

you speak in a foreign accent.
Clever. Is correct. Clever.

That's exactly right, exactly right.

Ooh.

You could just feel the trap door
opening and closing. Yeah.

Cos if you could speak another
language, then all I'd have done

at school is just bashed my head off
the desk and gone, "Oh, bonjour."

"Ca va?" "Oui, ca va bien, merci."

No, it's just
you speak in the accent. Yeah.

Why do you do that face
when you're French? I don't know.

I was imagining smoking
a Gauloises cigarette as well.

That was very odd. Ca va bien.

Good.

Thank you. Merci beaucoup.

Boof!

It's just so weird how you turn
into a cartoon. I do, yeah.

But you're absolutely right, they
simply have an impairment, a speech

impairment, and the notion that they
speak a foreign language is, it's

in the ear of the listener, rather
than in the mouth of the speaker.

Sufferers have included
George Michael.

I don't know if you remember this,
in 2012 he had pneumonia

and he was briefly in a coma and he
woke up with what sounded like...

IN ITALIAN ACCENT:
You've gotta have faith-a.

LAUGHTER

IN ITALIAN ACCENT:
You've gotta rock ya body.

No, he had a West Country accent.

Oh! He had a West Country accent.

BOTH, IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:
You've gotta have faith. Faith,

you gotta have faith. He had
a careless whisper, he did. Yeah!

LAUGHTER

When I hear about planets with more
than one moon, I'm quite envious.

Like Jupiter's got several moons,
hasn't it?

Well over 60, and we're finding
more. Well over 60? Oh, yeah. Oh!

The outer planets tend to,
sort of, be,

they're bigger and there's, sort of,
more gravity and stuff like that.

But, you see,
our moon is the best moon. Why?

Well, compared with Earth,
our moon is very big.

And so it helps protect us,
so asteroids, meteorites,

things like that, the moon will
take some of those knocks -

you can see it on the craters.

So the moon takes some of the knocks
for us. Like a bouncer?

Yeah, that's it! "Oi, step away.
Yeah, I'll take that. Move away."

If the Earth and the moon perhaps
were formed at a similar time

and the Earth is in
the Goldilocks zone with the water

and the environment
and the atmosphere... Yes.

..and so is the moon,
but the moon - nothing. No.

A really harsh environment.
But the moon's so much smaller.

If you took the surface area
of the moon,

it's about slightly smaller
than the surface area of Asia.

So it's quite small in comparison.

And also, being small, it's got
lots less gravity, and so, yeah,

if it did ever have an atmosphere,
it's long gone.

So it's the size and the lack
of gravity that stops it forming

an atmosphere? Yeah.

Also, as a result, it means
the sun's rays blast it really hard.

And so, for instance,

the temperature on the moon
goes from minus 150 to plus 150.

Oh, I had a boiler like that once.

At the moment, this feels
like the morning of a science exam,

and Maggie is the only child
who's done any revision.

LAUGHTER

I saw a brilliant sign once,
and it was in China

and it was in English
on a remote island off Hong Kong.

And it was the most brilliant
sort of existential sign.

Basically it said, it was
one of those signs where it's a map

and it's supposed to show you where
you are, and there's like an arrow.

Yeah.

But it had been weathered so much
that all the information was gone.

So it just said, "You are here."

But it didn't show...
There was no map, it was just...

So there was nothing else? Yeah.

It was like, "You are..."
"Yes, I am here, I exist!"

Come on! Come on!

Where does this man
keep his radio transmitter?

Oh.

Where's his penis? Well, that...

Who leaves the house
without their penis?

Weirdly, that is part of the answer.

Oh. Oh.

All of us that have penises...

Careful. ..keep our radio
transmitters in them?

You could.

Really?! What?! Where?

You could, yes. OK.

I picked up Classic FM earlier.

LAUGHTER

Who were you shagging?

LAUGHTER

So during the Cold War,
the CIA developed a radio, obviously

just for the boys, it was a secret
radio hidden in a fake scrotum.

I know.
GROANING

Oh, my God!

All right, that is an overreaction
to the scrotum! No, it's not, Alan.

Do you know what's offensive
about that?

I had to pose for eight hours
for that.

LAUGHTER

And they air-brushed you out.
Oh, my God!

They air-brushed me out!
They said it'd be tastefully done.

Because you're the only comedian
with a detachable scrotum,

that's why you got that.

It was for pilots who might be
captured and searched, for example.

Obviously our Action Man could not,
I don't know, couldn't pull

this off, I was going to say, but
I don't know what the expression is.

Anyway, I am told spies could slip
it over an existing scrotum.

Oh, so it would go over
the normal scrotum? Yes.

And then guards would probably...

I really don't think you could slip
anything over your scrotum.

Apparently, you had to put it
on one testicle at a time.

I'm just telling you.

What, and then staple it?

LAUGHTER

I think it would just...

Suction?!

So it's rubberised
like a swimming hat?

LAUGHTER

I think it... Yeah. I think...
Well, I think you put...

If it's suction, it's not
the getting it on I'm worried about,

it's the getting it off. Yeah.

Is that a one-size-fits-all?

I've run out of information.

LAUGHTER

This kind of thing of eating locusts
and bugs and things like that,

about finding alternative sources
of protein, and all that.

I've tried locust,
that is not pleasant.

I had a locust bhaji,

and it was one of the worst things
I've had in my life.

Oh. What's a bhaji?

Well, it's like an onion pakora
thing, so it's an Indian dish.

Oh. Oh, did you mean bhaji?
A bhaji. Oh, I...

Oh, sorry.

LAUGHTER

I honestly... Everyone...
I honestly thought you said budgie.

I thought she said badgie,
I was thinking, like, a badger,

but you wouldn't call a badger
a barger, would you? No.

"I ran over a barger the other day.

"It was delicious."

Because of the unique way
the BBC is funded,

you hear all sorts of voices
on the BBC,

one of which was corrected
on her pronunciation of bhaji.

Let me say it again.

SHE EXAGGERATES PRONUNCIATION:
I had a locust bhaji.

LAUGHTER

Was that better, was that more...?
I just misunderstood, forgive me.

Was that more understandable
to your ears? My mistake, not yours.

I had a locust bhaji. I'll do it
the whole show like this now.

He hasn't understood
a word I've said.

I had a locust bhaji the other day,
and it was really delicious.

The thing is, darling,
you don't need to do that,

because when we put this show out,
we'll use subtitles.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right, it's time for another
socially distanced record attempt,

specially created for us
by Guinness World Records,

and we are going to do the most
Christmas crackers pulled

by an individual in 30 seconds.

OK? The number to beat is 20.

Craig is here to judge again.

Alan and Justin, you're going to be
taking this one on.

So there's an important condition,
isn't there, Craig, that we

have to be able to hear the bang
of each cracker, is that right?

Yeah, each cracker has to crack,
so we'll count them

backstage to make sure
each of the papers has exploded.

Has actually gone. Yeah.

OK. So you may put your crackers out
on your table in front of you.

That's my boy.

Because all the gifts might fly out,
I'm just going to put on...

You're going to wear goggles,
good idea.

Because, honestly,
a pack of playing cards.

OK, I've got my safety glasses.
Come on, Alan!

Right, hand over to Craig.

OK, so start with your hands
behind your back, please.

So, this one, you have to stop
when the music does, OK? OK.

Craig? OK. You have 30 seconds
in three, two, one,

go.

COUNTDOWN CLOCK MUSIC

One, two, three.

Go! Go! Go!

Oh, nice technique.

CRACKERS BANG

13, 14, 15, 16.

You've got this, Justin!

# Hallelujah! Hallelujah! #

HOOTER

Stop!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I feel alive! I feel giddy!

But look at that!
The smell of gunpowder!

Look at that!
That could have had my eye out that.

LAUGHTER
Pair of nail clippers.

Environmentally,
this is a disaster as well. Yeah.

It smells incredible.

"What did Father Christmas do
when he went speed dating?"

He pulled a cracker.
He pulled a cracker!

CHEERING

Are you doing the citizenship test?

Yes, it's...

It's very complicated.
It's very complicated.

No English person can pass it. No.

It is absurd. It's not possible.

I secretly wrote out all
the questions from the citizenship

test, and I made it
into 100 questions,

and I presented it
as a family quiz at Christmas.

LAUGHTER

And people were going,
"This is so hard."

"Why? Oh, I don't know.
Who knows about this stuff?"

And no-one passed, no-one got close.

So, no-one.

I said, "None of you, none of you,
all of you, out!"

You know.

Also, it's weird that they think,
like, facts

about the Magna Carta will make me
a better British citizen. Yes.

It's very odd.

But what do you think SHOULD be
on the citizenship test?

Should the cream or the jam go
on the scone first?

Yes, exactly.
That's the kind of thing.

Milk in first, then teabag.
Yeah, yeah.

Only in a mug, though,
only in a mug for tea.

Yeah, you know.
And then something about Wat Tyler.

What is the correct British response

to a nuclear conflagration?
"Mustn't grumble." Yeah.

That kind of thing. What do you say
when you've been

to somewhere amazing? "Not too bad."
Yeah.

That's what you say.
That's the sort of stuff.

"How was the Lake District?"
"Not too bad." Yeah.

"Could have been a lot worse."

But you should be able to name all
the fielding positions in cricket.

Yeah. That's true, yes.

Whose genitals are seven feet longer
than they used to be?

Don't know where
they found that picture.

LAUGHTER

Are we talking specifically
male genitals?

We are, darling. OK. We are talking
about a penis that's seven foot

longer than it used to be. A man in
the back row put his hand up.

Did you put your hand up, darling?

Do you know what it is?
No, I just wanted to brag.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God!
Put your phone number on there!

You do not have
a seven-foot-long willy.

That's amazing!

It's no wonder
we had to sit you at the back.

LAUGHTER

Is that your girlfriend
you've sat beside? Yeah.

His girlfriend's six rows in front.

LAUGHTER

Is it to do with, like,
a medical condition?

No, it is to do with a piece of art.

It is carved into a hillside.

Oh, oh,
it's the Rude Man of Cerne.

It is, the Cerne Abbas Giant,
or the Old Man of Cerne.

It is indeed known as the
Rude Man of Cerne. Oh!

So he's a 200-foot-tall
chalk carving in Dorset.

Look at that! Oh, yeah.
Have you ever seen this?

Yes, I have. Have you seen this? I
have, I have. Has a notably large,

well, he's well-endowed, let's just
put it that way.

But he wasn't always
this well-endowed.

So, initially, his proud member
was just 16-foot long.

Now, you would think
that's quite big, but however,

if you think about scale.

So if you imagine a six-foot man
has a six-inch penis,

he's 200 foot,
you would imagine him to have

a 200-inch penis, which is
about 16-foot long.

Right. But some time around 1908,
for reasons we don't know why,

they merged his penis
with his belly button and gave him

an extra seven foot.

LAUGHTER

You know what's weird,
when I look at that,

I see a shy little girl with
pigtails licking a lollipop.

LAUGHTER

Can no-one else see that?

A little bun on her head.

LAUGHTER

Like there's the...

Yeah, now you say that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Like, here she is... Yeah.

..having a lovely time, going,
"I love my lollipop." Yeah.

And those little eyes.
She's like, "Om, om, om."

Then she's got, like, Pippi
Longstocking hair. Yeah. And then

she's just got a little bun on her
head. Yeah. There you have it.

Maybe we've misinterpreted this
for years.

LAUGHTER

There are lots of creatures
with prehensile tails.

There's seahorses
and anteaters, harvest mice,

the tree pangolin.

And there are also creatures
with extraordinary things.

So creatures with prehensile lips,
rhinos have that.

Harvest mice have
the prehensile tail.

Cats have prehensile claws,
so they can grab and grasp things.

The giraffe, if you have a look,

has got a prehensile tongue.
Oh, yes. Yes.

The most extraordinary, and I'm not

going to look at Ed as I say this,

tapirs have prehensile penises.

Yes, I knew someone was going
to have one.

Me too.

There's no way...

No way, with all the evolution
that's gone on,

someone was going to get one.

As soon as we finish here,
I'm going to swing home.

What do they do with it?
Why did that make them survive?

They stay...

So much better when
you're watching the telly

and you can't reach the snacks.

LAUGHTER

Before the remote was invented.

It keeps them coupled.

Put the nachos a bit nearer.
Oh, I see.

It keeps them coupled. Yeah. Yeah.

Like barbs on foxes.

Yes, or the pig,
which has a corkscrew penis.

Oh, yes. I know.

Yeah, you have to get one pig
and then spin the other pig into it.

Yes! I think even worse than that,
well, for me anyway,

the leaf beetle larvae,
they have prehensile anuses, OK?

It's like a sort of anal turret,
and what they can do is

they can build shields
out of poo on their backs.

And they place each piece of poo
on their backs and it becomes

this sort of growing structure
and they can even move it slightly.

And it's like...

I'm just pleased for them that
they don't know that's weird. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

If they had any sort of
consciousness that they were

shitting on their own backs, that
nobody else was doing that. Yeah.

Ignorance. I've got an anal turret!

Why?
I could have had a prehensile cock!

I could have had massive bollocks
like Ed Gamble.

We have a news flash, everybody.

I have the results of
the Christmas cracker pulling.

ALL: Ooh.

I'm actually quite excited. OK.
I am.

I can tell you that Justin got 30,

with 4 that didn't crack.

Alan got 35
with 7 that didn't crack,

which makes Alan
the new world-record holder!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE