Pure (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript
Encouraged by her new therapy, Marnie dips her toe into the murky waters of trusting someone with her secrets by confiding in her old friend Helen. She then brings her two worlds together in the form of a big dinner party.
You can't see it yet
but this is my excited face.
I'm doing little jumps.
You know someone is special
if you do little jumps
when you see them.
THEY SQUEAL HAPPILY
I missed you.
I go to Boots at lunch
and sniff your perfume.
I'm on your Instagram,
like, all the time.
I fucked your dad
to feel closer to you.
And you ruined it.
I love her so much it makes
me doubt my sexuality
but then everything does.
It's not her, it's me.
So when I said I missed you I meant
like how I would miss my period
if it's a few days late.
Like, slight concern but not
enough to buy a test.
Are you going to talk to me, then?
Sorry, my mouth keeps
getting full of whisky.
Mate...
You called me in a total
fucking tizz and all I hear
from you since then is a couple
of texts and a Kristen Wiig GIF.
It's not enough
to sustain a friendship.
Sorry.
It's been mental.
What you did was mental, Marnie.
You just fucking left me.
I was really worried about you.
I went on the Mind website
and everything.
I know. I'm sorry.
You don't need to worry about me.
I'm speaking to someone
now and it helps.
I feel a lot less anxious.
OK, well, all I'm saying is
if this needs to be an intervention
instead of a city break
then that's fine.
It is a city break.
Except all you'll see is this, a pub
and the inside of Shereen's flat
because I've only got
£87 until I get a job.
Wait, do you need money?
I'm minted. Connor gave me a raise.
He says it's because of gender pay
gaps but I think it's thigh gaps.
As in mine.
SHE LAUGHS
Are you listening to me?
'Fuck off, I don't fancy her.'
Oi. Ow.
What are you thinking?
You can't hang up on me now
because I'm right here in your face.
'I should be able
to tell her anything.
'I showed my first pubic hair
to this woman.'
I was thinking about your vagina.
Because that's what's
in your thigh gap.
SHE LAUGHS
Afternoon. Here he is.
Back in the driver's seat.
How is she handling?
Yes, she's very smooth.
Well, shan't distract you.
Thank you.
What time do you call this?
Um...
Did you get my e-mail?
I red flagged it.
What, as in, to human resources?
As in I haven't read it,
sorry, was it important?
Yeah, in the context of this.
This was going to be about that,
so it's good background to have.
I'm up against it, Charlie, sorry.
Sorry, um...
I just wanted to say
that I don't want things
to be difficult working here.
It's not great if you're finding
things difficult
on your first day back.
No, I mean between us.
Because of the cab thing. Yeah,
so...
I just don't want you to think
that I was rejecting
you because I wasn't.
I mean, technically I was because
I didn't and we didn't but that's
not because I didn't want to.
Physically you are thumbs up
but you're my boss
and I'm massively punching.
It's like a monkey pulling a swan.
I'm the monkey, you're the swan.
But like a black swan cos that's
more interesting than just something
white floating downa canal.
Anyway, I'm sort of making things
worse, so I'm just going to go back
and carry on doing my work.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Night?
Uh, I've got a dinner thing,
actually.
OK, so you'll be done
what, 11, 11:30?
Uh, yeah.
Come back to mine after.
Can I ask what for?
It'll just be a bit of fun.
Right, can you clarify what you mean
by fun,
just cos different people
find different things fun?
Like my mate thinks
gardening is fun.
Other people like, um, jigsaws.
I'll text you the address.
Meeting in 20 if you
could tell the rest.
Oh, my gosh!
Dave? There is always a Dave.
Dave!
What about that one there? Dave!
David. Davido.
Dave! He's doing a little smile.
A little smile.
There's something wrong with me.
Yeah, I know.
And I love you still.
But like, there actually is.
What?
It's to do with the way I think.
Have you gone Scientologist?
Is that why you moved to London?
Have you been brainwashed?
I'm not a Scientologist.
What then?
I've got OCD.
You don't have OCD.
My therapist thinks I do.
But you're such a mess.
OCD doesn't mean you're neat.
Uh, I have these thoughts
about sex pop into my head,
like, "She's got a vagina."
"I could snog him."
"That looks like a penis."
Yeah, but everyone gets those. No.
Yeah, the other day, Colin was
in the office eating a banana
and I was like,
"Oh, he is sucking that off."
Yeah, but did it make you anxious?
Yeah.
I was like, it's 11 o'clock and I'm
already desperate for my meal deal.
OK.
So it's like that but not at all.
It's in my head, like, 24/7.
It makes me really anxious.
So I do stuff to try and get rid
of it like move to London
and avoid you.
You moved to London to avoid me?
No.
You're a trigger.
It's why sometimes I go weird
with you because you're always
whapping your boobs
at me, it freaks me out.
What's wrong with my boobs?
Nothing.
No, it's not you, it's my
disorder, they upset me.
Sorry. No.
I can't avoid every trigger.
Look, don't cover them up,
come on, get them out.
Oh, Dave! Help me! She's trying to
molest me! She's fine, Dave.
She loves it. She loves it, really.
I suppose they are quite nice.
Why do you think I'm so
obsessed with them?
What's this one? Nancy.
That girl from the other night?
No, she isn't a girl.
Sorry, woman.
She's a witch.
HE CHUCKLES
Must be all right if you're breaking
the Dorothy double-dip rule.
SHE SIGHS
What is wrong with me?
It's just a girl, a woman,
a fucking witch, whatever.
Just say no to her. Can't.
She's going to send her little
witch monkeys after me
and then where would I be?
Trick her into having a bath.
I would love a bath with her.
Cos then she'd melt and she'd be
dead cos she's a witch.
Don't text her.
No, I am taking control.
TV: ..ritual courtship
in their search for a mate.
Shereen!
I still can't believe
you live with SHEREEN.
She's all right.
Hi. It's the pussy whisperer.
I never understood that moniker.
I've never even had a cat.
Come on, bring it in.
Don't try and strike me.
You're welcome in my home.
You smell like 2007.
You smell like that homeless guy
who lives outside the tube.
Yeah, we went for drinks.
I thought you were on a cleanse.
Just a wee toast to the motherland.
Look what I did.
Ta-da!
And a penne gratin with
roasted summer veg for tomorrow.
What's happening tomorrow?
We're having some people
over for tea.
It's kind of in your honour and kind
of because they were coming over
anyway. What people?
People I met.
Oh, did you go on one of those sad
apps to try and make friends?
Those don't work. I've heard.
I met them in real life.
It will be great.
All of us together
at the same social event.
How often does that happen?
It will be like an eclipse.
Let's hope nobody
damages their eyesight.
Yeah, eclipses are
always a let down.
But they also unite everyone
together to witness
an historic celestial event.
It's just a pasta bake, mate.
'The other thing about eclipses
is that you're so busy looking
'up you don't see the massive hole
you're about to fall into.'
♪ Nowhere to run to, baby
♪ Nowhere to hide. ♪
So, this one here is...
Helen. OK.
And that guy there?
Joe.
Joe. Joe from work, Joe? Yeah.
Well, um...
Not from work now, cos I quit, but
he was at work when I was there.
So you keep in touch. That's nice.
Yeah, he's...kind of a friend, now.
Like us. Yeah!
Babe, can you, like, text my phone
cos I think it's broken? Yeah...
I'm just going to go and mingle.
He's mingling.
Mingling is happening.
♪ Got nowhere to run... ♪
Salmon mousse on a cucumber blini?
Are they home-made or shop-bought?
Home-made.
It's like when people bring
home-made stuff into work, isn't it?
You just don't trust it.
Do I detect some horseradish?
Yeah, so, what does
your house say about you?
It's like my old life shagged my new
life and had a delightful child.
It's OK, you don't have to say.
Let's talk about something else.
No, no, I'm going to do it.
Favourite celebrity animal? Um...
♪ When I look in the mirror
to comb my hair
♪ I see your face
just smiling there. ♪
So when he's not texting, you're,
like, coming from different places.
And it's not because they're not
into you.
It's just they haven't had time
to talk, because they're at
a meeting or in a library,
and they can't talk, and that's why
they should fucking text, you know?
Maybe you should just ring her.
I should just ring her, you know?
Hey, Nance.
It's 8:32pm on a Saturday,
and you're probably out,
breaking that glass ceiling,
or the mould,
or some hearts or something.
So am I, out and about.
He says you got him run over.
SHE LAUGHS
Well...
What happened was...
We were at this pub.
What, like a date? No!
Like the opposite of a date.
What's this?
Did I, by any chance,
leave my bra at your house?
Cos I arrived with it and now
I don't have it, so...
..if you find it...
..I want it back!
Thank you!
Um...
It was part of a set.
Of course.
That's why they're sold together.
SHE GIGGLES
Would you like a drink?
Yes, I'd like a pint of wine,
please.
And his shoe was still in my
pocket when I left his.
Because the nurse said
I needed looking after.
I was like his carer.
Good bedside manner.
Er, so, not a date,
to answer your question.
She wouldn't.
Why not?
Um...
HELEN LAUGHS
She's just not a very sexual person.
I'm doing all right in London.
I'm empty.
You all right? I'm fine.
Why, do I not seem fine?
No...
You just seem a bit distracted.
Is it cos of all
the people, with their bodies?
I'm fine.
Well, I WAS fine.
Now I feel kind of shitty.
Why did she ask that?
Am I being a perv?
Have people noticed?
It's essentially ratio analysis
and financial modelling,
with the overall objective of making
buy sell stock investment
recommendations, so...
Right, sounds... Complex, yeah.
..really quite dry.
HE LAUGHS
I mean, I'm more of a creative,
so that kind of stuff just...
Oh, yeah. ..goes over my head.
So, you're...you're Joe from work?
Work Joe.
Joe doing the work.
All about the work.
That's, that's, that's all, just...
Er, I do other stuff too.
Yeah, yeah.
JOE CHUCKLES
Probably not as much as me, though.
I, I do so many hobbies.
It's kind of my thing, actually.
It's actually how we met.
Oh, how did you?
Sorry, she never said.
Felting.
Cool.
I think it's because I'm the
extrovert and she's the introvert.
We just gel.
Like a foetus
absorbing its twin in the womb.
THEY LAUGH
That's very good.
I, I think I've really
come out of my shell...
How did you guys meet?
How DID we meet, Marnie?
Er, er...
We met...in a bar.
She chatted me up.
I was experimenting. What?
You got with her?
My first week in London,
the only human contact
I had was with an IKEA cashier.
And I paid for that privilege.
Oh, Charlie needs a drink.
Thank you.
So, how's things? How's work?
My, my boss came onto me.
What?
Mm, yeah, I know.
I was like, "Sarah, get off me!
"You're my boss!"
She actually wants me to go
round there tonight.
You should report her.
Well, what if I was into it?
ARE you into it?
It doesn't matter, does it?
I mean, what am I going to do?
Turn up and...
..hope the little fella does too?
Oh, that's fear talking.
You need to take away its power.
Lack of power's kind
of the issue, though, innit?
I mean...
..people would understand
if you told them.
What, so you...
..you think I should? Yeah.
Go round there after this?
You think...
..that's a thing that I should do?
If that's what you want to do,
you should do that.
Yeah, I might.
GLASS SMASHES
Whoops. Oh, oh, fuck.
It's OK if I...? Yeah, sorry.
Oh, it's fine.
SHE LAUGHS
I wasn't apologising.
Er, Shereen, can I do anything?
No, no, no, no,
it's all, it's all done.
I'll do the dishes. Sorry.
It's just nice to have people over.
Everyone is so nice.
Amber invited me
to her birthday party. Oh!
She invited me too.
You don't even live in London.
Yeah, well, I was thinking
about it, actually.
You know, getting back to my roots.
I thought you were from Slough.
It's still London.
If she moves here,
I'll have to move again -
like some sort of pervy nomad.
Here we go. Hey!
I made gratin with roasted summer
vegetables. Pasta bake.
Delicious. Thanks, Shereen.
Thanks, Shereen.
Yeah, thanks for having
us around, Marnie.
Should I dish up for everyone?
SHE TAPS HER GLASS
I want to make a speech. No!
Please don't, though, cos you're
quite drunk.
Shhh. Helen... Shhh.
I just want to say...
..I think it's really nice
that you lot are here.
OK. Cos I know you don't really
know her, like me.
SHE LAUGHS
But do you all get
that she is special.
Hey! Cheers. Cheers.
Special, like special measures
special, cos I fall short
of acceptable standards.
THEY CHUCKLE
No! But it's fine,
because in spite of
everything I know,
I accept you.
Cool. Fabulous girl.
I love her.
THEY LAUGH
Do you want a bit of baguette?
Yeah, shove some bread in her mouth,
shut her up. You...
..be nice. I AM being nice.
So be nice, then.
I'm literally always nice.
I'm being nice just by being here.
Like, coming to see you
when you just left me,
which WASN'T nice.
But I'm nice.
And I'm here.
So, you're welcome.
Cheers! ALL: Cheers.
Great. Shall we dig in?
No. What? Gimme. I haven't...
Oh, oh, oh!
She just tried to get my top off!
Go on, then, have a good look!
Stop it, Helen, stop it.
I don't like it.
Maybe you should have some food.
Soak some of it up.
You can look all you want when I
move here. You're not moving here.
Yeah...I am.
Cos I'd do that for you.
Cos of what's wrong with you.
I don't want you to.
SHE LAUGHS
There's something wrong with her.
No, there's not.
Have you not told them?
Don't be ashamed.
If they were mates, they'll get it.
I don't think she wants to.
She does. She does. No! She does.
She is obsessed with sex.
It's not me, it's my OCD.
Fuck off! Shut the fuck up!
She's doing it right now,
she's perving in her head,
thinking about all your bits and
what she wants to do with them.
And she has to do it, no
matter what it is,
and that's why she's
done stuff with you.
Even if she hasn't, she wants to.
Shut the fuck up, Helen!
SHE SIGHS
It's going to get cold...
Yeah, come on. Yeah. Plates.
Mmm! Nicely done.
You'll, er, have to send me
the recipe.
This looks...
Wow.
You know, she asked to see my
breasts. Fuck...
And I was like, fine. Jesus Christ.
Because I'm your friend
and I would do that for you.
Cos I know how sick she is
and I know that's why
she won't stop looking at you all...
Cover yourself up then!
HELEN WHIMPERS
See, she just wants to touch them...
Argh, I have OCD!
I have intrusive sexual thoughts
that give me really bad anxiety!
Yes, I've thought about you all.
No, I don't want to talk
about it, so...
Enjoy your fucking tea.
Bon appetit.
It's good.
Most people ruin dinner parties
with salmonella, not me.
If you come to my house, it's not
the food that gives you nausea,
it's the shocking
revelations about the host.
Oh, I'll do it in the morning,
Shereen.
Oh, it's fine. I said I'll do it!
Sorry. Don't apologise!
Why are you so nice to people?
You let them walk all over you.
It's not going to make them
like you, it's fucking depressing!
Stand up for yourself!
Sorry.
Hello?
In here.
Want some?
Actually, you don't
have any milk, do you?
Milk?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thanks, just had a hankering.
Cheers.
Mm.
It's a nice place.
Good-sized rooms.
I'll give you a tour.
Kitchen, obviously.
Conservatory, snug.
Has she text back yet?
Nope, not unless she's somehow
changed her name to Mo in my phone
and wants to know if I want
this lovely table lamp
she's getting rid of.
Bit chintzy.
I said yeah.
Well done.
It's Irish chic.
That was weird.
Well, at least we didn't
get food poisoning.
There's still time.
Hello, Amber speaking.
Oh, is that your phone voice?
Nancy, hi.
Do you want to come round?
Um... Um...
I'm still out, actually.
OK. Well, another time, then.
I could do next week.
Yeah, just that work's a bit
full-on next week, so...
Oh, tell me about it!
Work is absolutely madness here.
She's totally using you, you idiot.
Don't do it!
Don't do it, just say no.
Um, I could do, say, an hour?
You are weak, mate!
So weak!
Great.
Isn't it just?
Great, so... Hello?
Who are you?
It's like when they change
Bonds, I don't like it.
No, cos what this
is is I'm playing her.
OK? I'm not going to go to hers,
and she's going
to be waiting, right,
and I'm going to be here
on the couch in my PJs,
not at her house, where
she is probably naked.
One second. Just going to...
Just going to what?
And...bedroom.
Oh, it's nice.
Very tidy.
It's a good size.
Oh, iPad by the bed - naughty.
Shouldn't use that before you go
to sleep cos it's blue light
and it keeps you up, you know,
disturbs your sleep...
Key performance indicator.
And no-one can find out.
Mum's the word.
Not cos you're, you know...
Yeah, sh!
Come on.
I don't know if I can.
If you're worried about work,
I'll be very discreet.
No, like, physically.
I've got a bit of a problem -
don't know if it works.
You know me, this.
I mean, it works sometimes,
I just don't really know when.
It's quite inconsistent.
I see.
Yeah, I just don't want
you to think that it's you.
I know it's not me.
It's definitely, definitely not you.
Yep, yep.
I... What do you want to do,
Charlie?
Well, if you still want to
do something,
then it would have to be me
doing stuff to you. Right.
That would probably help,
you'd be doing me a favour.
Happy to help.
Helen, Helen!
What? Your bag's on the seat.
Oh, sorry.
What did you just say to her?
I said I was sorry cos my bag
was on the seat. Oh.
Didn't know you knew that word.
Well, I do.
Maybe you should say it, then.
You should say it.
Why should I say it?
You're the one that behaved
like a massive bitch.
I can't believe you did that!
I travelled, like, 500 miles
to come and see you!
The Proclaimers are in and they're
proclaiming a load of shite!
You just ignored me.
Pretty hard to ignore
you when everything you do
is so somebody will look at you.
Yeah, well everyone's looking
at you now so you don't
have to worry about that.
Bet you hate that.
No, I hate that everyone gets fun
Marnie and I get this shit.
You love when I'm shit because then
nobody notices that you're shit.
You're shit!
OK, well, I'd rather
be shit than mental.
Bye.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry. Me too.
I don't think that you're mental.
I was just really fucking angry
at you for leaving me.
I didn't leave you.
I left me.
Please come back.
You're not you when
you're down here.
I think we need to not
be friends for a bit.
You can't not be my friend.
Cos all I've got is you and my hair.
Are you breaking up with me?
I love you, but I hate
how I feel when I'm with you.
I'm sorry.
I think I just need to be on my own
for a bit until I sort myself out.
Well, I should go.
Will you be OK?
I'll fuck your dad
to get back at you.
It's not me, it's her.
Light of my life,
bonfire of my existence.
She used to make me feel warm
inside, now she's set my heart
on fire, like an arson attack.
We are ashes.
But now new life can grow.
♪ Although I might be
laughing loud and hearty
♪ Deep inside I'm blue
♪ So take a good look at my face
♪ You'll see my smile
looks out of place
♪ If you look closer
it's easy to trace
♪ The tracks of my tears
♪ I need you
♪ Need you
♪ Need you
♪ Need you
♪ Since you left me if you
see me with another girl
♪ Seeming like I'm having fun
♪ Although she may be cute
she's just a substitute
♪ Because you're the permanent one
♪ So take a good look at my face
♪ You'll see my smile
looks out of place
♪ Look a little bit closer
it's easy to trace. ♪
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
but this is my excited face.
I'm doing little jumps.
You know someone is special
if you do little jumps
when you see them.
THEY SQUEAL HAPPILY
I missed you.
I go to Boots at lunch
and sniff your perfume.
I'm on your Instagram,
like, all the time.
I fucked your dad
to feel closer to you.
And you ruined it.
I love her so much it makes
me doubt my sexuality
but then everything does.
It's not her, it's me.
So when I said I missed you I meant
like how I would miss my period
if it's a few days late.
Like, slight concern but not
enough to buy a test.
Are you going to talk to me, then?
Sorry, my mouth keeps
getting full of whisky.
Mate...
You called me in a total
fucking tizz and all I hear
from you since then is a couple
of texts and a Kristen Wiig GIF.
It's not enough
to sustain a friendship.
Sorry.
It's been mental.
What you did was mental, Marnie.
You just fucking left me.
I was really worried about you.
I went on the Mind website
and everything.
I know. I'm sorry.
You don't need to worry about me.
I'm speaking to someone
now and it helps.
I feel a lot less anxious.
OK, well, all I'm saying is
if this needs to be an intervention
instead of a city break
then that's fine.
It is a city break.
Except all you'll see is this, a pub
and the inside of Shereen's flat
because I've only got
£87 until I get a job.
Wait, do you need money?
I'm minted. Connor gave me a raise.
He says it's because of gender pay
gaps but I think it's thigh gaps.
As in mine.
SHE LAUGHS
Are you listening to me?
'Fuck off, I don't fancy her.'
Oi. Ow.
What are you thinking?
You can't hang up on me now
because I'm right here in your face.
'I should be able
to tell her anything.
'I showed my first pubic hair
to this woman.'
I was thinking about your vagina.
Because that's what's
in your thigh gap.
SHE LAUGHS
Afternoon. Here he is.
Back in the driver's seat.
How is she handling?
Yes, she's very smooth.
Well, shan't distract you.
Thank you.
What time do you call this?
Um...
Did you get my e-mail?
I red flagged it.
What, as in, to human resources?
As in I haven't read it,
sorry, was it important?
Yeah, in the context of this.
This was going to be about that,
so it's good background to have.
I'm up against it, Charlie, sorry.
Sorry, um...
I just wanted to say
that I don't want things
to be difficult working here.
It's not great if you're finding
things difficult
on your first day back.
No, I mean between us.
Because of the cab thing. Yeah,
so...
I just don't want you to think
that I was rejecting
you because I wasn't.
I mean, technically I was because
I didn't and we didn't but that's
not because I didn't want to.
Physically you are thumbs up
but you're my boss
and I'm massively punching.
It's like a monkey pulling a swan.
I'm the monkey, you're the swan.
But like a black swan cos that's
more interesting than just something
white floating downa canal.
Anyway, I'm sort of making things
worse, so I'm just going to go back
and carry on doing my work.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Night?
Uh, I've got a dinner thing,
actually.
OK, so you'll be done
what, 11, 11:30?
Uh, yeah.
Come back to mine after.
Can I ask what for?
It'll just be a bit of fun.
Right, can you clarify what you mean
by fun,
just cos different people
find different things fun?
Like my mate thinks
gardening is fun.
Other people like, um, jigsaws.
I'll text you the address.
Meeting in 20 if you
could tell the rest.
Oh, my gosh!
Dave? There is always a Dave.
Dave!
What about that one there? Dave!
David. Davido.
Dave! He's doing a little smile.
A little smile.
There's something wrong with me.
Yeah, I know.
And I love you still.
But like, there actually is.
What?
It's to do with the way I think.
Have you gone Scientologist?
Is that why you moved to London?
Have you been brainwashed?
I'm not a Scientologist.
What then?
I've got OCD.
You don't have OCD.
My therapist thinks I do.
But you're such a mess.
OCD doesn't mean you're neat.
Uh, I have these thoughts
about sex pop into my head,
like, "She's got a vagina."
"I could snog him."
"That looks like a penis."
Yeah, but everyone gets those. No.
Yeah, the other day, Colin was
in the office eating a banana
and I was like,
"Oh, he is sucking that off."
Yeah, but did it make you anxious?
Yeah.
I was like, it's 11 o'clock and I'm
already desperate for my meal deal.
OK.
So it's like that but not at all.
It's in my head, like, 24/7.
It makes me really anxious.
So I do stuff to try and get rid
of it like move to London
and avoid you.
You moved to London to avoid me?
No.
You're a trigger.
It's why sometimes I go weird
with you because you're always
whapping your boobs
at me, it freaks me out.
What's wrong with my boobs?
Nothing.
No, it's not you, it's my
disorder, they upset me.
Sorry. No.
I can't avoid every trigger.
Look, don't cover them up,
come on, get them out.
Oh, Dave! Help me! She's trying to
molest me! She's fine, Dave.
She loves it. She loves it, really.
I suppose they are quite nice.
Why do you think I'm so
obsessed with them?
What's this one? Nancy.
That girl from the other night?
No, she isn't a girl.
Sorry, woman.
She's a witch.
HE CHUCKLES
Must be all right if you're breaking
the Dorothy double-dip rule.
SHE SIGHS
What is wrong with me?
It's just a girl, a woman,
a fucking witch, whatever.
Just say no to her. Can't.
She's going to send her little
witch monkeys after me
and then where would I be?
Trick her into having a bath.
I would love a bath with her.
Cos then she'd melt and she'd be
dead cos she's a witch.
Don't text her.
No, I am taking control.
TV: ..ritual courtship
in their search for a mate.
Shereen!
I still can't believe
you live with SHEREEN.
She's all right.
Hi. It's the pussy whisperer.
I never understood that moniker.
I've never even had a cat.
Come on, bring it in.
Don't try and strike me.
You're welcome in my home.
You smell like 2007.
You smell like that homeless guy
who lives outside the tube.
Yeah, we went for drinks.
I thought you were on a cleanse.
Just a wee toast to the motherland.
Look what I did.
Ta-da!
And a penne gratin with
roasted summer veg for tomorrow.
What's happening tomorrow?
We're having some people
over for tea.
It's kind of in your honour and kind
of because they were coming over
anyway. What people?
People I met.
Oh, did you go on one of those sad
apps to try and make friends?
Those don't work. I've heard.
I met them in real life.
It will be great.
All of us together
at the same social event.
How often does that happen?
It will be like an eclipse.
Let's hope nobody
damages their eyesight.
Yeah, eclipses are
always a let down.
But they also unite everyone
together to witness
an historic celestial event.
It's just a pasta bake, mate.
'The other thing about eclipses
is that you're so busy looking
'up you don't see the massive hole
you're about to fall into.'
♪ Nowhere to run to, baby
♪ Nowhere to hide. ♪
So, this one here is...
Helen. OK.
And that guy there?
Joe.
Joe. Joe from work, Joe? Yeah.
Well, um...
Not from work now, cos I quit, but
he was at work when I was there.
So you keep in touch. That's nice.
Yeah, he's...kind of a friend, now.
Like us. Yeah!
Babe, can you, like, text my phone
cos I think it's broken? Yeah...
I'm just going to go and mingle.
He's mingling.
Mingling is happening.
♪ Got nowhere to run... ♪
Salmon mousse on a cucumber blini?
Are they home-made or shop-bought?
Home-made.
It's like when people bring
home-made stuff into work, isn't it?
You just don't trust it.
Do I detect some horseradish?
Yeah, so, what does
your house say about you?
It's like my old life shagged my new
life and had a delightful child.
It's OK, you don't have to say.
Let's talk about something else.
No, no, I'm going to do it.
Favourite celebrity animal? Um...
♪ When I look in the mirror
to comb my hair
♪ I see your face
just smiling there. ♪
So when he's not texting, you're,
like, coming from different places.
And it's not because they're not
into you.
It's just they haven't had time
to talk, because they're at
a meeting or in a library,
and they can't talk, and that's why
they should fucking text, you know?
Maybe you should just ring her.
I should just ring her, you know?
Hey, Nance.
It's 8:32pm on a Saturday,
and you're probably out,
breaking that glass ceiling,
or the mould,
or some hearts or something.
So am I, out and about.
He says you got him run over.
SHE LAUGHS
Well...
What happened was...
We were at this pub.
What, like a date? No!
Like the opposite of a date.
What's this?
Did I, by any chance,
leave my bra at your house?
Cos I arrived with it and now
I don't have it, so...
..if you find it...
..I want it back!
Thank you!
Um...
It was part of a set.
Of course.
That's why they're sold together.
SHE GIGGLES
Would you like a drink?
Yes, I'd like a pint of wine,
please.
And his shoe was still in my
pocket when I left his.
Because the nurse said
I needed looking after.
I was like his carer.
Good bedside manner.
Er, so, not a date,
to answer your question.
She wouldn't.
Why not?
Um...
HELEN LAUGHS
She's just not a very sexual person.
I'm doing all right in London.
I'm empty.
You all right? I'm fine.
Why, do I not seem fine?
No...
You just seem a bit distracted.
Is it cos of all
the people, with their bodies?
I'm fine.
Well, I WAS fine.
Now I feel kind of shitty.
Why did she ask that?
Am I being a perv?
Have people noticed?
It's essentially ratio analysis
and financial modelling,
with the overall objective of making
buy sell stock investment
recommendations, so...
Right, sounds... Complex, yeah.
..really quite dry.
HE LAUGHS
I mean, I'm more of a creative,
so that kind of stuff just...
Oh, yeah. ..goes over my head.
So, you're...you're Joe from work?
Work Joe.
Joe doing the work.
All about the work.
That's, that's, that's all, just...
Er, I do other stuff too.
Yeah, yeah.
JOE CHUCKLES
Probably not as much as me, though.
I, I do so many hobbies.
It's kind of my thing, actually.
It's actually how we met.
Oh, how did you?
Sorry, she never said.
Felting.
Cool.
I think it's because I'm the
extrovert and she's the introvert.
We just gel.
Like a foetus
absorbing its twin in the womb.
THEY LAUGH
That's very good.
I, I think I've really
come out of my shell...
How did you guys meet?
How DID we meet, Marnie?
Er, er...
We met...in a bar.
She chatted me up.
I was experimenting. What?
You got with her?
My first week in London,
the only human contact
I had was with an IKEA cashier.
And I paid for that privilege.
Oh, Charlie needs a drink.
Thank you.
So, how's things? How's work?
My, my boss came onto me.
What?
Mm, yeah, I know.
I was like, "Sarah, get off me!
"You're my boss!"
She actually wants me to go
round there tonight.
You should report her.
Well, what if I was into it?
ARE you into it?
It doesn't matter, does it?
I mean, what am I going to do?
Turn up and...
..hope the little fella does too?
Oh, that's fear talking.
You need to take away its power.
Lack of power's kind
of the issue, though, innit?
I mean...
..people would understand
if you told them.
What, so you...
..you think I should? Yeah.
Go round there after this?
You think...
..that's a thing that I should do?
If that's what you want to do,
you should do that.
Yeah, I might.
GLASS SMASHES
Whoops. Oh, oh, fuck.
It's OK if I...? Yeah, sorry.
Oh, it's fine.
SHE LAUGHS
I wasn't apologising.
Er, Shereen, can I do anything?
No, no, no, no,
it's all, it's all done.
I'll do the dishes. Sorry.
It's just nice to have people over.
Everyone is so nice.
Amber invited me
to her birthday party. Oh!
She invited me too.
You don't even live in London.
Yeah, well, I was thinking
about it, actually.
You know, getting back to my roots.
I thought you were from Slough.
It's still London.
If she moves here,
I'll have to move again -
like some sort of pervy nomad.
Here we go. Hey!
I made gratin with roasted summer
vegetables. Pasta bake.
Delicious. Thanks, Shereen.
Thanks, Shereen.
Yeah, thanks for having
us around, Marnie.
Should I dish up for everyone?
SHE TAPS HER GLASS
I want to make a speech. No!
Please don't, though, cos you're
quite drunk.
Shhh. Helen... Shhh.
I just want to say...
..I think it's really nice
that you lot are here.
OK. Cos I know you don't really
know her, like me.
SHE LAUGHS
But do you all get
that she is special.
Hey! Cheers. Cheers.
Special, like special measures
special, cos I fall short
of acceptable standards.
THEY CHUCKLE
No! But it's fine,
because in spite of
everything I know,
I accept you.
Cool. Fabulous girl.
I love her.
THEY LAUGH
Do you want a bit of baguette?
Yeah, shove some bread in her mouth,
shut her up. You...
..be nice. I AM being nice.
So be nice, then.
I'm literally always nice.
I'm being nice just by being here.
Like, coming to see you
when you just left me,
which WASN'T nice.
But I'm nice.
And I'm here.
So, you're welcome.
Cheers! ALL: Cheers.
Great. Shall we dig in?
No. What? Gimme. I haven't...
Oh, oh, oh!
She just tried to get my top off!
Go on, then, have a good look!
Stop it, Helen, stop it.
I don't like it.
Maybe you should have some food.
Soak some of it up.
You can look all you want when I
move here. You're not moving here.
Yeah...I am.
Cos I'd do that for you.
Cos of what's wrong with you.
I don't want you to.
SHE LAUGHS
There's something wrong with her.
No, there's not.
Have you not told them?
Don't be ashamed.
If they were mates, they'll get it.
I don't think she wants to.
She does. She does. No! She does.
She is obsessed with sex.
It's not me, it's my OCD.
Fuck off! Shut the fuck up!
She's doing it right now,
she's perving in her head,
thinking about all your bits and
what she wants to do with them.
And she has to do it, no
matter what it is,
and that's why she's
done stuff with you.
Even if she hasn't, she wants to.
Shut the fuck up, Helen!
SHE SIGHS
It's going to get cold...
Yeah, come on. Yeah. Plates.
Mmm! Nicely done.
You'll, er, have to send me
the recipe.
This looks...
Wow.
You know, she asked to see my
breasts. Fuck...
And I was like, fine. Jesus Christ.
Because I'm your friend
and I would do that for you.
Cos I know how sick she is
and I know that's why
she won't stop looking at you all...
Cover yourself up then!
HELEN WHIMPERS
See, she just wants to touch them...
Argh, I have OCD!
I have intrusive sexual thoughts
that give me really bad anxiety!
Yes, I've thought about you all.
No, I don't want to talk
about it, so...
Enjoy your fucking tea.
Bon appetit.
It's good.
Most people ruin dinner parties
with salmonella, not me.
If you come to my house, it's not
the food that gives you nausea,
it's the shocking
revelations about the host.
Oh, I'll do it in the morning,
Shereen.
Oh, it's fine. I said I'll do it!
Sorry. Don't apologise!
Why are you so nice to people?
You let them walk all over you.
It's not going to make them
like you, it's fucking depressing!
Stand up for yourself!
Sorry.
Hello?
In here.
Want some?
Actually, you don't
have any milk, do you?
Milk?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thanks, just had a hankering.
Cheers.
Mm.
It's a nice place.
Good-sized rooms.
I'll give you a tour.
Kitchen, obviously.
Conservatory, snug.
Has she text back yet?
Nope, not unless she's somehow
changed her name to Mo in my phone
and wants to know if I want
this lovely table lamp
she's getting rid of.
Bit chintzy.
I said yeah.
Well done.
It's Irish chic.
That was weird.
Well, at least we didn't
get food poisoning.
There's still time.
Hello, Amber speaking.
Oh, is that your phone voice?
Nancy, hi.
Do you want to come round?
Um... Um...
I'm still out, actually.
OK. Well, another time, then.
I could do next week.
Yeah, just that work's a bit
full-on next week, so...
Oh, tell me about it!
Work is absolutely madness here.
She's totally using you, you idiot.
Don't do it!
Don't do it, just say no.
Um, I could do, say, an hour?
You are weak, mate!
So weak!
Great.
Isn't it just?
Great, so... Hello?
Who are you?
It's like when they change
Bonds, I don't like it.
No, cos what this
is is I'm playing her.
OK? I'm not going to go to hers,
and she's going
to be waiting, right,
and I'm going to be here
on the couch in my PJs,
not at her house, where
she is probably naked.
One second. Just going to...
Just going to what?
And...bedroom.
Oh, it's nice.
Very tidy.
It's a good size.
Oh, iPad by the bed - naughty.
Shouldn't use that before you go
to sleep cos it's blue light
and it keeps you up, you know,
disturbs your sleep...
Key performance indicator.
And no-one can find out.
Mum's the word.
Not cos you're, you know...
Yeah, sh!
Come on.
I don't know if I can.
If you're worried about work,
I'll be very discreet.
No, like, physically.
I've got a bit of a problem -
don't know if it works.
You know me, this.
I mean, it works sometimes,
I just don't really know when.
It's quite inconsistent.
I see.
Yeah, I just don't want
you to think that it's you.
I know it's not me.
It's definitely, definitely not you.
Yep, yep.
I... What do you want to do,
Charlie?
Well, if you still want to
do something,
then it would have to be me
doing stuff to you. Right.
That would probably help,
you'd be doing me a favour.
Happy to help.
Helen, Helen!
What? Your bag's on the seat.
Oh, sorry.
What did you just say to her?
I said I was sorry cos my bag
was on the seat. Oh.
Didn't know you knew that word.
Well, I do.
Maybe you should say it, then.
You should say it.
Why should I say it?
You're the one that behaved
like a massive bitch.
I can't believe you did that!
I travelled, like, 500 miles
to come and see you!
The Proclaimers are in and they're
proclaiming a load of shite!
You just ignored me.
Pretty hard to ignore
you when everything you do
is so somebody will look at you.
Yeah, well everyone's looking
at you now so you don't
have to worry about that.
Bet you hate that.
No, I hate that everyone gets fun
Marnie and I get this shit.
You love when I'm shit because then
nobody notices that you're shit.
You're shit!
OK, well, I'd rather
be shit than mental.
Bye.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry. Me too.
I don't think that you're mental.
I was just really fucking angry
at you for leaving me.
I didn't leave you.
I left me.
Please come back.
You're not you when
you're down here.
I think we need to not
be friends for a bit.
You can't not be my friend.
Cos all I've got is you and my hair.
Are you breaking up with me?
I love you, but I hate
how I feel when I'm with you.
I'm sorry.
I think I just need to be on my own
for a bit until I sort myself out.
Well, I should go.
Will you be OK?
I'll fuck your dad
to get back at you.
It's not me, it's her.
Light of my life,
bonfire of my existence.
She used to make me feel warm
inside, now she's set my heart
on fire, like an arson attack.
We are ashes.
But now new life can grow.
♪ Although I might be
laughing loud and hearty
♪ Deep inside I'm blue
♪ So take a good look at my face
♪ You'll see my smile
looks out of place
♪ If you look closer
it's easy to trace
♪ The tracks of my tears
♪ I need you
♪ Need you
♪ Need you
♪ Need you
♪ Since you left me if you
see me with another girl
♪ Seeming like I'm having fun
♪ Although she may be cute
she's just a substitute
♪ Because you're the permanent one
♪ So take a good look at my face
♪ You'll see my smile
looks out of place
♪ Look a little bit closer
it's easy to trace. ♪
Subtitles by Red Bee Media