Psych (2006–2014): Season 8, Episode 3 - Remake A.K.A. Cloudy... With a Chance of Improvement - full transcript

Psych makes television history in a never-been-done remake of the season one episode "Cloudy with a Chance of Murder."

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
You, as a jury,

have the responsibility
to bring justice.

But I'm gonna make it
very easy on you

because the prosecution
will prove--

No, Shawn,
I'm not nervous to testify.

You just gotta get up there
and tell the truth.

The jury is not just one thing.

It's 12 individuals

who each bring
their own unique perspective

into the courtroom.

It's the lawyer's job
to read that perspective.

For instance,

what do you notice about
juror number three's shirt?

He's got a hole in his collar,

and it's buttoned all wrong.

Would mommy ever let you leave
the house looking like that?

Course not.

So that tells me
that this guy is single,

which is gonna influence the way
he thinks about the defendant

because she's
a young, attractive woman.

You got it?

Hey, come on.
Concentrate, Shawn.

One day
you're gonna make me proud

walking up the steps
of this courthouse.

They impounded
my motorcycle, Gus.

That's what they did.

- What are you staring at?
- The future, Shawn.

I have a personal GPS system
in my phone.

It's like I'm starring
in my own spy movie.

Oh, you were,
until you got recast.

- What?
- Oh, God, no one told you?

- What are you talking about?
- From here on out,

you're gonna be played
by Billy Bob Thornton.

Why would Billy Bob Thornton
be the choice to play me?

He shouldn't be.

But he also shouldn't have been
the choice

to replace Matthau
as Buttermaker

in the Bad News Bears remake.

But that happened,
didn't it, Gus?

I hate remakes.

It's infuriating, Gus.

You don't remake
The Dukes of Hazzard.

The whole point of a remake

is to choose something
that showed serious promise

but failed to live up
to expectations.

I mean,
that's the magic of movies.

Oh, I feel you.
They added

all those new characters
that were super broad.

The whole subplot
with the race car driver.

- He was terrible.
- It was cartoonish.

That's weird, it says we're
in front of Whiffle Waffles

on Harbor Ave.

Hold the syrup, who is that?

- Relax. No.
- Wait, wait.

This is gonna be money.
This is money.

Hi there.
My name is Shawn Spencer.

This is my partner
Robert Jones,

but you may call him

We would like to cast you
in the remake of his life.

Don't pay him any mind.

My name is Burton Guster.

Do you by chance know

where the parking ticket
payment window is?

You poor thing.

Yeah, I do, actually.

It's down the hall
to your left,

then you're gonna
make another left,

and then left again
at the double doors.

Thank you again
for your kindness.

"So shines a good deed
in a weary world."

Aww, Willy Wonka.
One of my favorites.


Who's ever heard
of a snozzberry?"

"We are the music makers,

and we are the dreamers
of the dreams."

I can't believe they remade it.

- That's what I'm talking about.
- Hey, sorry.

- It's time for us to go.
- Okay.

By the way,
have you seen my notebook?

It's a big, blue thing.
It has all my notes in it.

All right, well, um,

it was really nice
to meet you guys.

Good luck with the tickets.

We should go.

And so she walked
out of our lives



You are now
a full-fledged fugitive.

Come on, man, you're the one
that put waffles into my head.

Besides, I hardly think
the court system

expected me to wait in line
that long.

That's exactly
what they expected.


Good morning, Connie.
Good morning, Morty.

Hey! Sun Up Santa Barbara.

I'm Morty Camp,

and this sitting here
right next to me

is my lovely wife Connie Camp.

- Oh, Morty.
- Am I right?

- Oh, come on.
- This guy knows I'm right.

Man, you are so irascible.

Oh, I can't help it.

You know, 15 years of marriage,
and I'm still smitten.

I would take you
over Kelly Ripa

any day of the week
and not just the weekdays.

That kind of love
is beautiful, Shawn.

- I wish I had what he has.
- Well, Connie...

roving reporter Ruben Leonard
will be on location

with a veterinarian,

uh, who designs
cosmetic testicles

for neutered dogs.

Restoring their dognity.

And on a more dour note,

one of our very own
KRXJ family,

weatherman Jackson Hale

was attacked right here
at the station last month

and sadly died
from those injuries.

Just a horrible,
shocking tragedy.

So, so shocking.
He was such a good man.

- Mm, the best.
- And, Morty,

- he was so very handsome.
- Oh, what a true Adonis.

- What a head of hair on that guy.
- Yeah.

Well, we'll be bringing you
up-to-the-minute coverage

of the trial
of his accused murderer.

Now, as promised,

we take you live
to the courthouse steps

for a press conference
already in progress.

Logan Phelps
for the prosecution.

Sandra Panitch
went with Jackson Hale

to the Channel 8 News Studio,

engaged in sexual relations,

then stabbed him in the heart
with a knife.

Hey, that's the girl
we met in the hallway today

that flirted with me.

It is.

Hello there.
My name is Shawn Spencer.

This is my partner
Robert Jones.

A killer though?

Adam Hornstock.

Attorney for the defense.

Sandra Panitch
has never been arrested

for a crime in her life.

She is a preschool teacher

and spends most of her time
baking for the--

She's preschool teacher.

- For the--
- Who bakes.

- For the--
- She's a bake lady, Gus.

- Wow.
- For the--

Look at this poor guy.

Assistant league.
Assistance league.

Have you seen my notebook
by the way?

It's a big, blue thing.
It's got all my notes in it.

in his left breast pocket.

It's not decorative.

It's used for dabbing sweat--
and a lot of it.

Nervous, discombobulated,

Adam Hornstock
may not know it yet,

but he needs us.


Excuse me.
Who are these guys?

And why are you
in my courtroom?

I'm here to pay
a parking ticket, your majesty,

and we are also here
as consultants

for the defense.

Legal consultants?

* I know you know that
I'm not telling the truth *

* I know you know,
they just don't have any proof *

* embrace the deception

* learn how to bend

* your worst inhibitions

* tend to psych you
out in the end *

- Who are you guys?
- I just met them this morning.

Name's Shawn Spencer,

just set up
a psychic detective shingle.

Don't have business cards yet,
but we're here to help.

Help? Why is your arm
around my shoulder?

- That's really weird.
- That's fair, you're right.


Is your friend
hitting on my client?

Not successfully.

Mr. Hornstock,
would you like to explain

who these miscreants are?

Oh, yes, I would, your honor.
More than anything in the world.

But may I have a moment?

For your sake,
that's a good idea.

Five-minute recess.

Recess? That's odd.

Hey, Phelps!
You a hopscotch man?

Oh, Hornstock,
you hired babysitters.

Doesn't matter.

You're losing this case
either way.

Okay, seriously,
did my dad hire you guys?

My brother?

I knew they didn't think
I could handle this.

- They don't believe in me.
- Adam, Adam, Adam.

I'm Burton Guster,
and I'm a legal expert of sorts.

- You're a lawyer.
- Almost a lawyer.

I was on an early track
to become one.

In the sixth grade.

Plus, I've seen
every courtroom drama ever made.

That's true, he's like
Debra Winger in Legal Eagles.

I'm Glenn Close
in Jagged Edge, and you know it.

I like both those movies.

Look, I can't hire you guys.
I don't have the authority.

I have zero power.
I don't even have my own office.

Don't I have the authority?

Don't worry about that.

We're doing this one pro bono.

We are both professional bonos.


Just give me one witness,

One witness!

Your honor, we'd like to call

our independent expert
pathologist from Los Angeles

Woodrow Juniper Strode.

Dr. Strode.

You are
a board-certified pathologist.

- Is that correct?
- I am.

And did you examine
the body of Jackson Hale

on the evening of his death?

And please do answer honestly.

- You are under oath.
- I did.

And that evening,

I ate an old-school
Salisbury steak TV dinner,

but I ate the brownie first.

I know that was wrong.

This is
your expert pathologist?

I'm only being honest.

I don't know if you heard,
I'm under oath.

Yes or no, doctor?

- Yes.
- Dr. Strode,

what did you observe
on the body...


I don't think juror number five
likes you at all.

She doesn't like me?

Oh, it's the tie.

What's wrong with my tie?

Well, it's a little bit, uh...


- Weigh in here, Gus.
- I'm not doing that, Shawn.

- Come on, just tell him.
- I'm not doing it.

Look at the tie,
and tell him what you think.

- Gus, give me your tie.
- What?

- I feel like it's important--
- This is my tie.

This woman's life is hanging
on a balance--

- It's my tie.
- You see that--

Uh, your honor?


- Irrelevant and inadmissible.
- Sustained.

- Really?
- Yes, really.

You wanna argue with me?

Oh, you guys
are really good at this.

The tie is working.

Maybe we really have a shot
at this.

You guys...

we have a bona fide
defense team now.

Hey, Detective Lassiter.

And hello, Junior Detective...


What are you guys doing
in the courthouse?

Detective Lassiter and I made
the arrest of Sandra Panitch.

- What are you staring at?
- Your clavicle.

- I'm here because it's my case.
- It's also our case.

We just signed on to be legal
consultants to the defense.

She's innocent, we know it.

Oh, you know.
Well, that's good.

Apparently you know
more than a legal system

that's been established
for over 200 years.

200 years?

Do you have any idea
how foolish you sound?

200, Gus.

Cavemen with ties
suing dinosaurs.

I am caveman.

- I invented wheel, not crog.
- Shawn.

You can't possibly be
this stupid.

Come on, detective.



Gah! I'm getting
really strong vibes here.

What are you doing
for the next eight years?

Because I am sensing that
we become very much involved.

You're way off on that, Shawn.

- Do we have ups and downs?
- Mm-hmm.

Sure, like anyone would.

I can see it so clearly.

Your corn-silk hair nestled
on this gentleman's shoulder,

right in the crook.

O'Hara, shake a leg!

Never happening, Shawn.


But you're adorable
when you're in denial.

Do not talk to him.

Shawn, Gus!
Thank you again.

Oh, but now I have
so much work to do.

All these depositions and
witness reports to comb over.

I haven't even cracked open
the Ruben Leonard file.

- Can I count on your help?
- Sorry, Hornstock.

It's just, uh,
it's not the way we work.

I need to touch things,
taste things, and smell things.

Smell them?

- And Gus doesn't even read.
- What?

We all have our strengths.

Ours are in front
of the camera.

We're going live
in five, four--

Okay, we are back,
Santa Barbara.

And Morty and I
are cozying up on the couch

for one of our famous
Sip n'Chat segments.

You know, Connie, I never
get sick of our theme music.

I love it.

Well, we are joined today
by two very special guests.

Now they have just joined
the defense team

of the Jackson Hale trial.

Please welcome Shawn Spencer

"Burtine Guston."


Thank you so much,
Connie and Morty.

Now, not to be a skeptic,

but I just don't think

I've heard
of a psychic detective before.

- Have you, Morty?
- No, no, I have not.

- No, Connie, no.
- Yeah.

But it seems fascinating.

Mm, for a children's party

- Well, yes.
- But for a murder trial?

Shawn, I mean, listen.

Sandra Panitch, she is facing
some very serious charges,

and I certainly
don't wanna try her

- in the court of public opinion.
- No, no, no, no.

But I will say this.

Things do not
look good for her.

- No, they do not.
- Right? Oh, my God.

Not to mention the shenanigans
of her attorney.

Oh, yeah.

- Adam...
- Hornstock? Is that it?

He is an odd duck, isn't he?

- Yeah.
- Isn't that right?

Wouldn't you say that
about him?

Yeah, I would say you two
have your work cut out for you.


Well, don't worry, don't worry.

I was pre-pre-pre-law.

Oh, Doogie Howser.

Well, you know,
Jackson Hale was a colleague,

but he was also a dear friend.

And I think we all
just want justice.

and you know what else we want

is to see you guys
when we come back...

- Hey!
- After this short break.

And we're clear.
Three minutes, everyone.

That is one hell
of a pinkie ring.

- So...
- Thanks. Thank you.

Shawn, I would get a huge kick

out of you using
your psychic powers

to tell me
what I am thinking right now.


Yeah, sure, I can do that.

There's a bit
of pageantry involved, so...

- Oh!
- I'm just gonna need you to--

- I'm not surprised.
- Okay. Trust the process.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Well, it's a physical process.


And here it is.

I think I've got it.

The thoughts that you're having
about my partner

not suitable
for a morning show.

You know, I'm getting
something else right now too.

It's pretty juicy.

You guys aren't even together
right now.

- What's that about?
- I don't think so.

Morty's not even staying
at the house, Gus.

- Yeah, he's chilling at a motel.
- Really?

That can't be good, so
your relationship's a sham then,

which means that this whole show
is a sham.

- It's a sham. Hey, get off!
- Hey, come on.

- You get off!
- Morty, hey!

- Back up, back up!
- Morty, Morty!

- Ow, ah!
- Yeah.

60 seconds, everyone.

- Come on, get over here!
- Morty.

- All right!
- Stop!

All right, look.

I don't know how you figured out
any of that,

but it is none
of your business.

Everything in the psychic
realm is my business, Jack.

And it's true, all right?
Our marriage is on the bends.

But the network
told us to keep it under wraps

for the sake of the show.

There is more to it than that.

- We're working it out.
- We really are.

'Cause I gotta say,

this whole Jackson Hale
murder thing

has just really made me
appreciate the frailty of life.

I mean, he is out there
gallivanting around

with all these women...

- I warned him.
- It gets him killed.

It gets him killed.

Also, I don't mind saying,

- being single in this town...
- Mm.

Is worse than death, you know?

And I have started
to come to realize

very, very, very recently

that I have a man
right next to me.

- And he is just fine.
- Hey, look.

I mean, I know I'm a really
good-looking newscaster,

and I could Aaron Eckhart
my way around town if I wanted--

- Aaron Eckhart?
- Well, whatever.

I can Jim Caviezel my way
around town if I want.

We would just appreciate if
you would keep this under wraps.

Please, for the sake
of the crew morale.

- What?
- I'm sorry to interrupt.

Ms. Camp, your tennis lesson
was changed to 5:00 P.M. today.

Thank you, Priscilla.

- Mr. Spencer...
- That's me.

And friend,
I'm Priscilla Morgenstern.

I'm the receptionist here.

I was told that you would like
a tour of the studio.

Well, if you are the studio,
then yes, that's correct.

And then we'd like to see

where this horrible murder
took place.

All right,
let's walk the crime.

You're standing
exactly right where it happened.

So grisly.
All right, Priscilla.

What am I looking at?
What is this?

This is a green screen,
so we can superimpose

any images of the weather
we would like onto it.

He would bring a girl back
to where he does the weather?

Was this a typical Friday night
for him?

I didn't really
know him enough to say.

Rumor has it he was
into some pretty kinky stuff.

I guess some girls
like a weather set and a camera.

Gus does the same thing, but
he's the only one in the videos.

My typical Friday night
is alone on my couch

eating leftover shishito peppers
and watching Jericho.

- Really?
- Follow me.

Guess there's a lid
for every pot.


This is where we keep
all our newscasters' offices,

our editing bays also.

Several notices for cat-sitters
if you need any.

Hey, ho, ho!

This here is the break room?

- Are those snacks?
- May we partake?

Are they free?
I call it first.

Just need a little something
to hold me over.

Visitors don't get snacks.

This also doubles
as Ruben Leonard's office.

He is our roving
human interest reporter.

- Oh.
- Although most of his stories

are usually neither
of those things.

Ruben is taking over
as our temporary weatherman.

I haven't even cracked open
the Ruben Leonard file.

Priscilla, do you know
where Ruben is roving

at this very moment?

Gus, this is exactly
what it feels like

to walk on the moon
if the moon was black.

- The moon is black, Shawn.
- What?

The moon is black,
Aegeus is black,

and grimace is black.
End of story.

Whoa, Gus!
I think that's Ruben Leonard.

- Is he dead?
- I don't know.




Ruben Leonard!

He's alive, he's alive!


I'm good.
I'm good.

I just have a scoliosis rod
in my back,

so uneven surfaces
are not my friend.

Oh, okay.
I see.


my name is Shawn Spencer.
I am a psychic detective.

This is Gus.
He's my black Cameron.

We are legal consultants

on the Jackson Hale
murder trial.

We'd like to ask you
a few questions.

Oh, uh, I'm about to go
on the air live,

and I need to practice this,

so I don't look like
a complete idiot.

Do you have until 2007?

What was your relationship
with Jackson Hale?

I admired him greatly.

But isn't it true that you too

wanted to be a weatherman?

Oh, I love the weather, but I
could never do what he did.

So you really enjoy
getting up at 4:00 A.M.

And covering Goleta Seniors'
Bakeoff and Poetry Jam?

You know, I do,
but what can I say?

- I'm a fan of the arts.
- Ruben?

- We're ready.
- Okay.


We got this guy.

Hello, I'm Ruben Leonard,

and all these kids
are jumping for charity.


- Oh!
- Boy!

Connie, did you see
that direct hit?


Your witness,
Mr. Hornstock.

Let's go.

You going to question him
or not?

Oh, Shawn, my father's here.
He's come to watch me fail.


Wait, you don't think
Ruben Leonard

had anything to do
with the murder, do you?

Not really, no.

But if we can get one member
of that jury

to ask the same question,
we're in business.

Start with this.

Mr. Leonard,

you are a meteorologist,
aren't you?

- I am indeed.
- But not on the air.

No, not thus far.

Well, maybe that's because...

you don't have
a meteorologist's name.

I don't follow.

Well, if I was to look up
the name Leonard

in, say, a weather glossary,

would I see a definition?

No, you wouldn't.
Where is this going?

Yes, Mr. Hornstock,
where is this going?

Oh, I'm sorry, your honor,

it's just that every successful
weatherman that I know

has a real weatherman's name.

Jackson Hale, for example.

That isn't even his real name.


Have you ever considered
going by the name

Cumulus Jacott?

- That's ridiculous.
- Is it though?

How about Aurora Borealis?

Humid Lazenby?

Frozen Diamond Doppler Dewey?

I'm just fine with my name.

Hurricane Carter?

Leif Garrett?

How about Blizzardo?

Or maybe Tsunami Ali?

Puddles Takahama!

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. High Tide!

Dick Iceluge!

I have a degree in meteorology

from the University
of Virginia,

and I was junior tornado watch
captain for seven years.

Jackson Hale had a degree
in physical education

from a junior college
and a master's in grab-ass!

He was worthless!
He was worthless!

And he was an embarrassment

to every real meteorologist
like myself,

and he should've been stabbed
in the heart a long time ago.

Thank you.


A little late for that.

Don't you think, counselor?

That's the kind of confidence
I'm talking about.

We are on our way
to winning this thing.

That was awesome!


First, we make nicey-nice
with Rubes,

and then we find evidence
that sends him to the chair.


Happy Monday, Priscilla.

- It's Thursday.
- I don't think that's true.

Did I mention that Gus here
is single and ready to mingle?

- It's true.
- Where's Ruben?

He's about to do the weather.

He should be
on the soundstage by now.

No, you cannot
just go in there.

It's okay.
We're on-air personalities.

Thank you!

- Probably a buckle.
- Oh, yeah.

It's kinda heavy,
it's kinda heavy.

Doesn't wanna budge at all!

Uh-oh, Gus.

"Uh-oh" what?

Uh-oh, Ruben.


This better be good, Spencer.

Trust me, Lassie,
this was well worth the trip.

- Sean?
- Dad?

Get over here now.

He's probably lost.

Just give me one second,
you guys.

What are you doing here?

No, what are you doing here
at Sun Up Santa Barbara,

making an ass out of yourself?

What, do you guys think
you're lawyers now?

Yeah, minus the law degree
and whatever else is required.

Note to self, that would make
a heck of a TV show.

That is my name you're
throwing around out there,

and I've got a reputation
in this town.

Would you relax?

We are doing
whatever we have to do

to find out who really killed
Jackson Hale.

Spencer, I don't have all day.

I'm speaking with my maker.


This is not some silly game,

and you better not treat it
like one.

I'm doing my damnedest here
to make you proud

in as subdued and civilized
manner as I know how.

After all...

who taught me
everything I know?

Okay, thanks.

I appreciate that.

Good talk, pop.

Thanks for coming by.

Psychic vision time, baby!

I am sensing that Ruben Leonard
hated Jackson Hale

because he was
an untouchable weatherman

who liked to be touched
by the la-la-la-ladies.

Ruben knew he would never
get a chance to be weatherman

as long as Jackson
was still around.

So he decided
to pay him a visit

at the station

on the night
that he was pumpernickeling

Sandra Panitch.

And that...

is when he killed him...
in cold blood.

That is edge-of-your-seat
kind of stuff there, Spencer,

but you have no evidence.

Is that the murder weapon?

Where's Ruben now?

He's getting ready
to do the weather.


So, Santa Barbara,
if you've got--

like I was saying,
if you've got, um, big plans

this weekend,
keep those fingers crossed...

'cause rain...

it's coming.

Why are you looking at me
like that?

The guilt is eating him alive.

Stop looking at me like that.

It's all lies.

He's gonna make a run for it.

He can't make a run for it,
can he?

No way.
I don't think so.

I'll tell you
what else is lies.

These accusations
that I killed Jackson Hale.


- Should I do something?
- Lies!

What the hell are you gonna do?

I did not kill
that silver-headed man-slut.

Sure, you didn't.

And neither did Sandra Panitch.

But I'll tell you--
I'll tell you who did do it.


Um, we'll be right back.

All right, there's one thing
here we know for certain.

This proves
that Sandra isn't our killer.

Gus is right.
She's in custody.

No way she could've
poisoned Ruben.

Slow your roll there,

We don't know that Ruben
was poisoned.

For all we know,
this man died of a heart attack.

All I know is that Jackson
had a lot of girlfriends.

Ha, and trust me,
I know from experience,

you can't keep them all happy.

You feel me?


Gus just made us all
feel very awkward,

but he could be right.

Maybe we should be
looking at all the other women

that Jackson was--


Did I mention that Gus here
is single and ready to mingle?

Dude, you were dead wrong.

We should be looking
at the one woman

- that Jackson wasn't haling on.
- What?

The one gal he wasn't playing
"Pants Off, Dance Off" with.

What are you talking about,

Call Hornstock and tell him

we wanna move Priscilla

to the top of the witness list.

Priscilla, isn't it true

that you pined
for Jackson Hale?


Really chapped your chassis

that he liked a lot of women
but not you.



Made you feel like
you weren't good enough.


And Jackson Hale wasn't
very picky either, was he?

And that just drove you nuts,
didn't it?


Talk about his hair or the way
he smelled or something.


Jackson Hale's silver locks
really revved your engine,

didn't they?
And you...

wanted to be
the lone lady of his desires.

But he acted like
you weren't a human person

with feelings and emotions

and passions and dreams
and lots of love in your heart.

You have so much to give,

and Jackson Hale
was just too foolish

to see how amazing you are

and what life
could've been like

if he had taken a chance on you

instead of all those
other ladies with flaming eagles

just above their seat cushion!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

I was his dream girl.
I was!

What else did I have to do
to show him I was the one?

The one!

Prosecution requests a recess,
frankly, to regroup.

Yeah, they do.

I think that the prosecution

should dismiss
all the charges, your honor.

Both counsels
approach the bench.

Tough break, Phelpsy.

Get your boney elbows
off my bench.

Yes, sir.

Judge, what we were thinking
is maybe, uh, 250 grand

would be enough
to make this go away, yeah?

That's not how it works, Shawn.

- How about...
- Hey!

- Gift cards?
- Objection!

Uh, whispering to the witness.

- Yeah, what--
- Mr. Phelps...

are you trying to be
in contempt?

No, judge.

But there will be no dropping
of any charges

because Priscilla didn't do it.

Yeah, sure, she didn't.

- Are you ready to go there?
- Yeah.

The prosecution is ready
to question the witness.

- It's your funeral, Phelpsy.
- Okay.

Priscilla, isn't it true

that you were at
the Santa Bar-Bar-Bara pub

the night
of Jackson Hale's murder?


And is there someone
who could vouch

for your whereabouts
the entire night?


Mr. Strode, could you please
tell the court where you were

the evening of March 5th?

the Santa Bar-Bar-Bara pub,

looking for the person
who slipped a Mickey

into my sloe gin fizz
the week before.

I see.

That was the best Mickey
I've ever been slipped.

I gotta find that guy
and thank him.

Mr. Strode,
did you meet anyone

on that night in question?

Oh, yes.

Hopefully my future bride.

And where did that night
take you exactly?

To my airstream for something

the locals
often refer to as "sex."


It was.

Now, Mr. Strode,

can you point to that lady
here today?

I believe I can.

Please note the witness
is pointing

to Priscilla Morgenstern.

She stayed the whole night.

Which is rare for me.
Slept like an angel.

The shaft of morning light
grazing her bosom,

until she bolted upright
and ran to the bathroom

where she showered three times,

brushed her teeth
for almost an hour,

and left like a blaze
of beautiful glory.

You see, Priscilla went
to the bar that night

to make her move on Jackson

and finally let him know
how she felt about him.

But Jackson already
had his eyes

on his next conquest,
Sandra Panitch!

Uh, um, objection.


So Priscilla
got bleary-eyed drunk

with this man,
Mr. Strode,

who is literally
the last guy left in the bar,

and she sloppily made

one of the greatest beer-goggle
mistakes of all time.

Sandra Panitch left the bar
that night with Jackson Hale

and killed him in cold blood.

The evidence says
that it is so!

- Is this--is this it?
- Here you go.

What's on the tape?

- What's on the tape?
- What's on the tape?

What's on the--

Your honor, the prosecution

would like to present
some new evidence.

You see, the head TV technician
at the station

has been able to retrieve
a backup copy

of the video footage
from the night of the murder

off his hard drive
and onto this VHS.

This tape, people,
right here...

tells the story

and is the final nail

in Sandra Panitch's coffin.

So this is
where the news happens?

Oh, forget about the news.

- This is all about the weather.
- Oh.


Let me know when you're ready
to plea to murder two.

Sandra, the best advice
I can give you as a lawyer

is to take the plea.

Shawn, if it were you,
and you didn't do it,

what would you do?

Look, Sandra...

Don't fill her head
with false hopes.

She's looking at life.
Take the plea.

- Life?
- Do not take the plea!

Hornstock, get back in there.

Buy us another hour
with the judge.


Sandra, don't worry, okay?
I'm gonna find something.


You have
my hand-to-head promise.

I got nothing.

The only problem is Hornstock

is due back in court
any minute now.

There's gotta be
a hidden clue somewhere.

Go down there and stall!

I don't know
how to do that, Shawn.

You are Matthew McConaughey,

and this is your time to kill.
Now, go!


Keep your shirt on though.

Come on.

My patience
is running thinner, counselor.

If your consultants
don't show up here soon,

I'm going to send this jury off
for deliberations.

No, no, no.
No, sir, I--

- I really don't--
- Why are you fidgeting?

Oh, I did have, um, a little
issue during the break, sir,

but I cleared it up
with a Mylanta.

Your honor,
the state is still willing

to accept the plea.

Obviously counsel is crumbling.

And frankly,
it's hard to watch.

Ah, well,
here comes one of them.

- How'd Shawn do?
- Nothing.

- He's still on it.
- What? No!

No, it's too late!

I don't have any witnesses.
I don't have any motions.

I'm sorry.

I got it.

Your honor,
at this juncture, I--

Not just yet, your honor.

If I may,
I'd like to address the court.

Objection. This man
cannot address any court.

Young man, have you ever
attended a law school?

Just Ms. Finkelman's
sixth-grade class, sir,

"Me, You, and the Law."

Well, it is under my discretion

to allow any testimony
that may speak to the truth

in this case--
tiny leash. Go.

Oh, uh--

Thank you, sir.

Uh, excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I would like to, uh,
just, uh---

Just what?

Excuse me, sir,
but you are being rude.

Is it because I'm a yute?

- A what?
- What's a yute?

Oh, a yute, a yute.
It's a youth.

It's from My Cousin Vinny.
Terrific film, sir.

Objection, your honor.
It's okay, decent at best.

I don't care what cousin
it's coming from.

I'm about to hold you two
in contempt.

So the plea bargain
is just out?

We can't go back now

and get the--

do something.


they beat up on a weakling.

The rest is just smoke-filled,
coffeehouse crap!

They tortured and tormented
a weaker kid, and why?

Because he couldn't run
very fast.

- A Few Good Men!
- Exactly.

I'm warning you.

You think you have a monopoly
on the truth?

All right, that's it.
You are in contempt.

You want me on that wall.

You need me on that wall.


Bailiff, please remand
this yute into custody.

Come on, son.

Don't you "come on, son" me.

I am a lawyer and an officer
in the United States Navy.

And you, sir, are under arrest,

you son of a bitch.


Do Bonfire.

What does it matter
the color of a man's skin

if men of the cloth, men of God

take the prime cuts?

- I liked that one.
- Me too.

I hope they don't remake it.

Dr. Towler told me
to change the form.

He told me to change the "1"
to a "9."

He said I'd never work again.
Who were these men?

Who were these men?

I wanted to be a nurse!

Yo, what was that last one?

The Verdict.
Paul Newman.

Never saw it, but I like
that dude's popcorn.

Shawn, I did it!
I did it!

Good job, buddy.
I'll take it from here.

Miss me?

Hey, Jules.

Bless you.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the court,

juror number five,
and the Honorable Judge H. Lees,

the defense would like to call
to the stand

Mr. Mortimer Camp.


Mr. Camp is not on trial here,

and a psychic
cannot speak to witnesses.

Judge, I now have evidence

that will shine a shocking

and vibrant light on this case.

Your honor,
after what we just saw,

you couldn't possibly
allow this.

Your honor!

Mr. Camp,
your wife wanted a divorce.

You did not.

She was unhappy.
I understood.

Sometimes things
are a lot more one-sided

than we would like them to be,
aren't they, Mr. Camp?

For example, I can relate
because I'm a psychic.

Which means love
is even more difficult for me

than it is for you.

But there is a woman
in this courtroom right now,

a little slice
of blonde perfection,

a perfectly formed beignet

lightly dusted
with powdered sugar

and a badge.

The first time that I saw her,

I had a vision
that we would be married,

and we would have so many kids

that most of them would have
to be put up for adoption.

Where are you going
with this, Mr. Spencer?

Judge, I can't answer
that question for you.

I mean, we work together.

It'd be like the two of you

having a connection
and wondering if it's real or...

Is it real, how do you know?

You don't.

Mr. Camp, you couldn't
make your wife love you,

so that made you
even more jealous, didn't it?

No more jealous
than any other man would be

in the same position.

She was lying to you!

She told you she was taking
tennis lessons after work.

Did you really believe that?

Of course I did.
She's my wife.

I mean, look, I know I'm
a really good-looking newscaster

and I could Aaron Eckhart
my way around town if I--

No, no, not Aaron Eckhart.

I could Patrick Wilson
my way around town.


You were deceived!

Here's the irony--
she was actually

going to see
a marriage therapist instead.

Your tennis lesson's
been changed to 5:00 P.M. today.

She was seeing Dr. Rosen,
the marriage therapist, instead,

and if she'd
only told you that,

perhaps you wouldn't have
taken matters

into your own hands.

You were convinced that she
was cheating on you with Hale,

so you decided to catch them
in the act.

Yes, so you laid
waiting in the station...

on the set...

'cause you knew Jackson
liked to take his ladies there

to seduce them, to...

film his trysts.

I guess some girls
are turned on by a weather set.

You heard Jackson enter
that night.

It was dark, shadowy.

You premeditated this murder,

but you were convinced
it was your wife.

And you knew he'd bring her back
to the studio

where he secretly films
his trysts.

Using the technician's
green screen suit,

you knew
you'd remain undetected.

You waited for them
to drop out of frame--

And you knocked
that poor girl out cold

and stabbed you
some Jackson Hale.

Then you noticed
it wasn't Connie at all,

it was my client
Sandra Panitch,

an innocent girl who walked
into a deadly love triangle.

I did, I did.
I walked right into it.

But I had one drink,

and you know,
my friends were teasing me

because I never had
a one-night stand.

So I thought, like,
oh, tonight's the night.

- Maybe I should do it.
- Sandy, shh, shh.

And his teeth were so white,
and his hair was shin--

Since Jackson Hale
was not sleeping with your wife,

you thought you could still
put your marriage back together.

And you tried
to pin it on Sandra Panitch.

And you thought you could get
away with first-degree murder.

That is
a compelling courtroom drama

you've written there.
Good luck proving it.

Oh, we're about to prove it...

right now.

Officer, the monitor, please.

Ladies and gentlemen,
for your viewing pleasure,

I present--

So this is
where the news happens?

Oh, forget about the news.

This is all about the weather.

This proves nothing.

I'm not there.
I'm not there.

Mr. Spencer,
I see no evidence of Mr. Camp

in this video at all.

Precisely, judge.

You see, Mr. Camp wore
a green suit that night.

He knew we wouldn't be able
to see him on this tape,

because he knew his green suit

would not be visible in front
of the green screen background.

But his pinkie would.

What is he even talking about?

Look, there you are,
standing up,

still invisible
after the dirty deed.

But there's one thing
you didn't know.

All of your dirty stabbing

caused you to tear
one of the fingers

of your green-suited glove.


is your pinkie sticking out
from behind that large building.


How would the defense
possibly prove

that it's Mr. Camp's pinkie?

I found myself
wondering that very same thing

as I stared out into
the twinkling Santa Barbara sky.

But then I realized one
of those twinkles isn't a star.

I know what tore that suit.

It's an opal stone
from a pinkie ring.

But not just any pinkie ring...

- Ah!
- Sorry.

That's what I get
for not looking.

What are you--

That...pinkie ring.

Game, set, match.

Any final words,
Mr. Camp?

I love you, Connie.

I just wanted us
to be happy together.

I would've done
anything for you.

Including murder.

Yes, including stabbing
and murdering, I mean--

now that I think about it.

'Cause you killed
that poor schlep Ruben Leonard

right before he did
the weather, isn't that right?

Two-for-one day.

Two-for-one day, judge.


Ah, come here.

We did it.

Come on.


- H-stock!
- Hey, what's up, guys?

I just wanted to stop by,

say thank you again
for helping me.

And I got Gus
a little something.

- Oh, dude! My tie.
- Classy.

Yeah, gave me the confidence
to win the case,

but, uh, I don't need it

I think there's a stain
on this tie.

Eh, no stain.
I don't mean to be cocky,

but, uh, I feel like
I can do anything now.

I think it's ketchup.
Who does that?

Who borrows a tie
and returns it with a stain?

Hey, Shawn, can I broach
something personal with you?

Broach away.

You know that junior detective
that you're so smitten with?

- Jules. Sure.
- Jules.

If things aren't gonna go
anywhere in the future,

would you mind
if I threw my hat in the ring?

Are you being serious?

Yeah, I mean,
only if you're cool with it.

Otherwise, you know,
I'll back off.

Course I'm cool with it, man.

I mean, she does her thing,
you know I do my thing.

And you know,
and then sometimes,

you know, we fiddle.

We fiddle about.
But yeah, you should go for it.

- Yeah? Really?
- Yeah, get in there if you can.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, do it up!

Make it happen for yourself
if it's right.

- Nah, I won't do it.
- No, you should do it.

- You want me to?
- Do it.

All right,
I'm gonna go do this.

- Okay.
- I'm gonna do it right now.

I'm gonna go get her right now.
Oh, you guys.

I'll see you around, guys.

All righty, buddy.

You are really
gonna let him do that?

Oh, please, Gus.
Come on.

She's not gonna be
into Hornstock.

- He's Hornstock.
- How do you know?

Because I can--

Dude, you realize
you're not really psychic.

Son of a--

Hornstock, hold up!
Just wait a second!

Hold up for a--