Psych (2006–2014): Season 5, Episode 1 - Romeo and Juliet and Juliet - full transcript

Shawn and Gus find themselves caught between two rival Chinese Triad families as they search for one of the leader's abducted daughter. Meanwhile, Shawn's father Henry joins the police department in charge of the "consultants" - Shawn and Gus. Juliet also deals with the lingering traumatic effects of her kidnapping in last season's finale.

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Last season, on Psych...

We've been discussing creating
a new position, a liaison,

working with other departments,
agencies, outside help...

Psychics?

You gotta do something quick.
I can't hold it for long.

I got you.

- I accept.
- Excuse me?

The job, the job
you offered me, Karen...

I accept.

It's great to be back.

Okay, I'm warning you guys.



Gus knows karate.

Um, I don't know karate.

- Yes, you do.
- I study wushu.

- It's Chinese.
- Okay, dude, trust me.

Karate sounds
more intimidating.

I've only had two lessons.

That's two more lessons
than they've had.

Come on, man. My dad
wouldn't let me take karate,

So now you got to do this.

PRESENT DAY

- You do it.
- You do it.

I don't fire people well.
You know that.

- You wanted the assistant.
- I wanted a girl.

He's the only one
that would take the job, Shawn.



What does that say about us?

We'll do good cop/bad cop.

- Who's bad cop?
- You.

You're the unscrupulous,
penny-pinching boss

With a chip on your shoulder
and mommy issues.

I'm the
nurturing-confidant type,

Who's like,
"dude, Gus is a jerk,

"but I've got your back.

Together we'll take
that sucker down."

Nope.

Together, then.

Fine.

Ken!

And it turns out business
is just a little slower

Than expected.

You guys hired me
four days ago.

Much slower.

The thing is, my dad got a job
at the police station, right?

So we assumed
that we'd get more cases.

He assumed.
I called this from a mile away.

Exactly.
Wait.

Holy crap,
you're doing good cop.

I know.

Did somebody move my desk?

I didn't see anyone.

How many days a week
are you here?

Two, three, depends.

I just deal
with the consultants.

But you don't tell me
what to do, right?

I'm not sure.

I am.
You don't.

Think of it

Like Santa Barbara's having
a slow news day,

But with murder and stuff.

- And like
the real-estate market,

Crime will always
trend upwards.

The only thing we know
for sure,

It's gonna pick up.

- And that real estate is
a sound long-term investment.

But mostly
that crime's gonna pick up

And that's a guarantee.

Mr. Chiang.
Mr. Chiang.

Can I get a photo
of you and your family

For the Santa Barbara courier?

Thank you. Thank you, sir.
It's a great honor.

Hey, that's Arthur Chiang.

I know.
Can you believe it?

Ladies and gentlemen, please
have your raffle tickets ready

When entering
the Chinatown festival.

♪ in between the lines ♪

♪ there's a lot of obscurity ♪

♪ I'm not inclined
to resign to maturity ♪

♪ if it's all right,
then you're all wrong ♪

♪ but why bounce around
to the same damn song? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ you'd rather run
when you can't crawl ♪

♪ I know you know
that I'm not telling the truth ♪

♪ I know you know ♪

♪ they just don't have
any proof ♪

♪ embrace the deception,
learn how to bend ♪

♪ your worst inhibitions ♪

♪ tend to psych you out
in the end ♪

♪ I know you know ♪

Buzz, she didn't come back
on Monday?

No.
Not yet.

Just let our people
do their work.

If and when
we get the ransom call,

We will determine
our course of action.

Mr. Chiang...

I'm the resident psychic here.

My name is Shawn Spencer.

This is my partner
Jonathan Jacob jingly Smith.

You're saying his name is
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt?

That's correct, sir.
We used to share the name.

I changed mine because
of all the people shouting

When I went out.

I don't remember calling you,
Mr. Spencer.

Didn't have to, chief.

This case called me.
It called collect.

That's right, which was odd,

Because I'm also on Twitter,
and the cases usually tweet me.

Now, let's be honest, chief.

Kidnapping is my thing.

This case is tailor-made
for a psychic.

Well, I guess it does make
a little bit of sense.

Karen, you called Shawn in?

- The case called me.
- Collect.

Naturally,
this is your call, Henry.

You now oversee
our consultants.

So this would officially be
your first hire.

Okay, then.

My answer is no.

What?

May I speak to you in private?

All right, what the hell
was that about?

It's my job to determine
if we need a consultant,

And right now
I don't see the need for one.

You have had
five opportunities to hire us.

Now, what is this really about?

Are you familiar with
the term "persona non Grata"?

Why are we talking about food?

Shawn, there's a reason

They created the position
I'm in.

You burned a lot of bridges
around here.

- Here we go.
- You made a lot

Of sloppy mistakes.

You're gonna have to earn
your way back.

Things are gonna be
different now.

- So unfair.
- Is it?

My results speak
for themselves.

You just hold me
to a different standard.

- I-I do not.

You buried my Easter eggs
five feet underground.

And I left loose dirt
to indicate a fresh dig.

Yeah, under a camouflaged tarp

Covered with bricks
and broken glass.

That was the giveaway!

Oh, pard...
pardon me for trying

To challenge you.

It took me three weeks

"to close"
the egg investigation.

I was eight.

Yeah, well, just so you know,

There's still two eggs
you haven't found.

You're sick.

- Well? What happened?
- Two things...

One, we're getting him fired.
Two, we're on the case.

After all that,
you convinced him to hire us?

Define convinced.

Buzz...

Have we searched
the kidnapped girl's apartment?

- Uh, they just finished.
- Great.

We'll need that address.
Oh, you guys got hired

On the case.
Eh, define hired.

Shawn, the police
have already been here.

She was kidnapped
on the other side of town.

It's been hours, Gus.
Still no ransom demand.

I'm telling you, this is not

Your standard kidnapping.

God, everything's so neat.
Maybe she's a neat person.

Or maybe
she's hiding something.

Look at this closet.

It's full of new purchases.

Please tell me we're taking
that to the police.

We are...

Just not the ones
working this case.

- Bring that to Lassiter.
- What would be the fun in that?

I want you for this.

Chief wouldn't hire
you guys, huh?

- Look, I got case-blocked
by my own father, okay?

Don't you think it's time
you got back up on the horse?

It's a temporary reassignment.

It's pretty common for cops

When they experience
something traumatic.

Look, I know the whole
yin thing was difficult

For everybody,
but at this point,

It just feels like you're hiding
here at this giant post office.

It's city hall, Shawn.

We have a city hall?

I just need a little time.

And I am perfectly content
staying off of this case.

Oh, really? Did you know how
there's no ransom note?

Did you know that Bekki Chiang
stands to inherit

Approximately $20 million
and is already being groomed

For an ambassadorship at 19?

Not my case.
It's Lassiter's.

What?

- It's an old Hong Kong
50-cent piece.

- Which dynasty?
- 1978.

Look at that.
♪ somebody's helping already ♪

There is one other thing.

It's counterfeit.

A smart rich girl with a secret

Holding on
to counterfeit money?

And just what are you
doing here?

- The Mayor asked to see me.
- Clearly we don't believe that.

Well, you're free
to believe what you want.

Please don't say that to Gus.

Now he'll just tell you

That Michael Jackson isn't dead.

He learned how to fake
his death from Lisa Marie.

Which implies that Elvis
is still alive.

Elvis died two years ago.

Is there no end
to your gullibility?

I told you that two years ago.

- No.
- He was a cashier

In a shoe shop, Shawn.
No, Gus, no. No.

I'm not having this conversation
with you now or ever.

We're not sure what the deal
with the wrapping

On the hand is.

And he... he leapt a wall
into the crowd,

So he's athletic.

Kept his face covered
the whole time.

Couldn't get
a clear shot of him.

It's almost as if he knew
there were cameras there.

Carlton, I have a lot of work

To do here,
so if you wouldn't mind...

Oh, my God,
we're on the same page.

You were trying to lure her
out of this dungeon

By using details from the case.

- I am not.
- See, it's not just me.

You're concerned about her
insisting on staying down here...

The unreturned phone calls

And the ever-so-slight darkening
of the hair.

I hadn't noticed.

- I like it.
- Thank you, Gus.

/Now, would you guys
please just leave me alone?

Way to go, Spencer.
You are not on this case.

What? Lassie, we've clearly
crossed a threshold.

Tomorrow we should wear
matching jumpsuits...

Nay, t-shirts.

I'll be thing one.
You be thing two.

- Excuse me.
- Wait.

Before you go, one question...

Who would counterfeit
a 50-cent piece,

Honk Kong, 978 dynasty?
1978.

Ooh, that makes
so much more sense.

You can't seriously tell me
you think the triads

Are involved in this?
Triads?

- Athletes.
- Chinese gangs.

Athletic gangs of Chinese men.

Very serious gangs.

How do we speak
with these triads?

You don't speak with them.
They're an underground society.

You're saying I need
to make an appointment.

Spencer, look,
there are different gangs

Within the triads.
What are we talking about?

Are we talking
about the golden triad,

The dragon triad?
Regular.

I think we're primarily
interested in medium.

Venti.
Venti is large.

Well, then not venti.
We'll speak with both gangs.

No. Spencer, you will stay
away from these people.

They are
legitimately dangerous,

And those two gangs have been
on the verge of war for years.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
the free information train

Has left the station.

You'll just have to figure it
all out for yourself.

Please.
Like we can't do that.

- We need information.
- Whoa, wait.

You guys aren't here to pay me
for my last day?

- I believe I did pay you.
- We didn't pay him anything.

We paid him in gratitude
and life lessons.

I knew I shouldn't have opened
this door.

Ken, don't think of it

As not being paid
for your last day.

Think of it
as a surprise two-year vacation.

- Unpaid.
- We will hire you back.

- Someday.
- Probably not soon, though.

Why are you guys here?

We need information on
counterfeiting Hong Kong coins.

And the Chinese mafia.

And we need you to explain
the ending

Of crouching tiger,
hidden dragon to us.

What?

You guys think
that 'cause I'm Asian,

I'm supposed to know
all this stuff.

That's borderline racist, man.

- No.
- Racist. No, I hardly think so.

Inappropriate?
Yes.

- Insulting?
- Sure.

- Stereotyping?
- Sure.

- Not racist.
- Maybe a little racist.

Gus, please.

Now, Ken,

How many triads do you know,
and/or are you one of them?

- Wow.
- Okay, that definitely crossed

The line.
Just tell us what you know,

And we will get out
of your parents' house.

Okay, the only thing I can
think of is there's this place

Where the golden triads
used to hang out.

Okay, and the only reason
I know that

Is because my mother
used to forbid me to go there.

Gus, all I'm saying
is that sometimes

Your jokes don't land.

Okay, Shawn, you want to
impose some restrictions on me,

Then I want to go
over some rules too.

What rules?

In the past,
you've offered me up

As some sort
of sacrificial lamb

To the situation.
Name one.

Wait. Never mind.
You're right.

New rule...
from now on,

Any cover story or fake I.D.
Must be run past me

And approved.
Approved?

In writing
three days in advance.

- Gus, you're kidding, right?
- No, Shawn.

I need the proper amount of time
to concoct my alter ego

That best complements yours
and the situation.

I don't know
where I'm gonna be living

In three days.
That's the deal, Shawn.

Take it or leave it.

So he is
a pharmaceutical salesman

Who moonlights
at a psychic Detective agency,

And once at camp,
he wet his pants.

- Water splashed on my pants.
- I'm sorry. You guys are cops?

Nope, not cops, though
sometimes we work with cops

And occasionally against them.

Look, if this was Saturday,
I'd have a much better story.

Right now all I want to do
is talk to some triads.

Either kind.

You guys know
you're gonna get killed.

You know what?
You're absolutely right.

What were we thinking?

Gus?
Yes. See what I mean?

See what you mean?
We got lucky.

We have been following
this guy forever.

If he's a triad,

He is the most boring
gang member of all time.

I think Ken gave us a fake lead
to pay you back

For asking him for a loan.

- It was a short-term loan, Gus,
with interest.

The interest
was life lessons, Shawn.

Whoa.
Those are some heavy firearms.

Something's going down.

Run back to the psych office,
grab our ninja costumes.

How could that
possibly help us?

- We'll need to get closer.
- No, we are staying here.

Gus, ten seconds ago,
you were complaining

About being bored.

Now, suddenly,
it's too exciting?

It'd be great to get
some consistency

From you emotionally.

Shawn, if something illegal
is going on,

Then it's our duty
to call Lassiter

And let him get shot.

Golden triads cut f hands.

One at a time,
which, technically,

Means we have
four opportunities.

I'm not moving.

They won't even know
we're here.

I blame you.

I think he said something
about taking us to see the boss.

If only I had time to submit
a fake identity for approval.

Do not mock me when I'm about
to be killed, Shawn.

You know I bond with authority.

This is a win for us.

I will talk my way out of it.
How?

You know
how much I love Yao ming.

That's got to count
for something.

Just leave me out of this.

Okay, first of all,

This is some sort
of huge misunderstanding.

I know and respect
that you are a very busy man.

Running a crime syndicate
is a full-time job.

And we do not want to bother you
any more than we have to.

Mr. Chiang.

I know you.

You're the psychic
from the police station.

Yes.
That's correct.

They hired us on this case.

The chief said they did not.

I don't know why she'd say
something like that.

She said it to you.

Yes, she did.

Chief.

That's a little act we do
to throw people off.

To throw who off?

Mr. Chiang, I found this coin
in your daughter's apartment.

It was pretty well hidden.

My fear is that she's mixed up

With some
pretty nasty criminals.

This is my coin.

I gave it to her
to symbolize our past.

Now, I will say this to you.

And I will speak slowly
so you understand.

She's not mixed up
in any of this.

This...
Criminal activity?

What you think you see here
is not criminal.

It seems pretty criminal to me.

Our mistake.

It's just a handful
of buddies hanging out,

Taking some long-distance
surveillance photos

And carrying
semiautomatic weapons.

You have an idea of who took
your daughter, don't you?

- I do not.
- And you wouldn't lie to me.

You're a psychic.

You tell me.

Are we free to go?

Go.

All right.

There was, like, a curlicue
thing in the end here,

But the whole thing
kind of looks like a dragon.

I know this, 'cause I saw
something like it once

At a panda express.

Can you tell us
what it is or not?

Dude, my parents run
a best buy.

I told you.

You didn't know
about the best buy.

I told you
he would be offended.

- He's not offended.
- I am very offended.

He's excited.
He's getting a taste

Of the kind of action
that you and I get into,

If we hadn't had to let him go

Due to unforeseen
circumstances.

Guys.
Do you realize

That I've done more work
for you since you fired me?

Yes, we do.
Have you seen this dragon?

Yeah, I probably saw
something like that

Spray-painted on a wall.
- Where?

Chinatown.

What?
Where in Chinatown?

A martial arts studio.

Why does this have orange
chicken sauce all over it?

Oh, because it got me in
the mood for some panda express.

Can you tell us what this is?

Dragon triads.

Shawn, what do you want
from me?

That's what they were doing.

They were surveilling
their sworn enemies.

- Who was doing what?
- That doesn't matter.

It also doesn't matter
whether we were captured

By these people or not.

The question is,
what would happen

If the dragon triad
kidnapped someone

From the family
of the golden triad?

That's a ridiculous
theory, Shawn.

It would never happen.
Let's just say it did.

Well, it would start off
a gang war.

It's beyond suicide.
No, she's right.

The goldens and the dragons
can't even be seen

In each other's territory.

Oh! I'm gonna have all of you
banned from this building.

Excuse me.

I'm here for a class.
This class?

- Yeah, I believe it starts...
- In five minutes.

Right.
Five minutes from now.

I'm usually ten minutes early,
so I'm already feeling behind.

- This class is for five-
to eight-year-olds.

Yes.
Yes, it is.

And, uh, that's
what I call, uh...

Discrimination.

- Discrimination?
- Yes.

And eism.
Who are you?

I'm his lawyer.

- That's right.
- You brought a lawyer?

I keep a lawyer on retainer
at all times.

There is so much injustice
in the world

That you... you practically
can't leave home without one.

And apparently
today it paid off.

Right. Okay, well,
I will see you in court, then.

Now...
perfect. Now, I'll need

A statement from you,
and as we plan to try this

In both civil
and criminal court,

I'll need the police here
as well.

Can I use your phone?

Or do you only let
the white people use that?

Who said anything
about white people?

You just did.

The words "white people"
did not come out of my mouth.

There they are again.

Luckily, I had my hand recorder
on for that one.

And by the way,

I am now disclosing

That this conversation
is being recorded.

Re... recorded?

Okay, this is crazy.

Crazy?
You want to know crazy?

I sued 300 businesses
last year alone.

I sued a hot-dog cart
and got everything

But the wheels and the buns,

Which I won in the civil case
two months later.

Dude.

I think he gets it now.

I know,
but the words are coming

Out of my mouth faster
than I can think of them.

Bring it home.

Now, if you don't mind,

Before I start snapping
evidence photos,

I'm a little parched.

So can you tell me which one

Of these fountains
I'm allowed to use?

That one.

I mean...

Y-you pick, sir.

One, two, three, four,

Five, six,

Seven, eight,

Nine, ten.

One, two, three, four...

Hyah!

- Ow! What?
- Focus.

- Sorry.
- You have no focus. Why?

I... look, it's just...

You want to know the truth?

My dad never let me
take karate, okay?

This is not karate.

Right. Okay. But it's
pretty much the same thing.

- Not the same thing.
- All right.

Now turn your eyes around
and follow.

One...

Hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah.

Hyah, hyah.
Hai.

And...

- Did you find out anything?
- Yes.

- What?
- I'm awesome at karate.

- Wushu.
- Yeah, yeah, that.

I'm awesome at it.
You were in there

For two hours,
and all you did was kung fu?

No, we stretched our groins.
We meditated.

Did you find out anything
about the case, Shawn?

- Yes.
- What?

I'm pretty sure upstairs

Is the headquarters
for the dragon triad.

I think they might be hiding
the girl there,

But that's not important
right now.

Not important?

Gus, I kicked a board in half.

- No, you didn't.
- You're right. I didn't.

But it splintered. Do you have
any idea what this means?

It means I sat outside
for two hours

While you fulfilled
a childhood dream.

Let's stake
this place out tonight.

And I'll need $300
for the initiation fee.

You signed up for class?

They are the bad guys.
Upstairs.

Master Wu is not affiliated
with these hooligans.

- Chief.
- How we doing, O'Hara?

Good.

Great.
Great.

- Great.
- Great?

- Great.
- Great.

You know, there's no shame
in feeling what you're feeling.

That yin case
is the kind of thing

That can shut a person down.

You too, chief?

Look, I will come back to work
when I am ready.

I'm not here to force
your hand... just wanted to ask.

I just...
they say to take some time.

It's recommended.
Of course.

Just make sure you know

When the healing ends
and the delaying begins.

Of course.

I will.
Thank you.

Great.

So here you go.

Stoplight safety project.

Just track and compare
every light in the city,

Cross-reference
with each stop sign.

Tell me if two years
isn't enough

Of a sample
to draw a conclusion.

I'll have McNab
bring the rest down later.

Good luck, O'Hara.

That's it.
I think that's

Why my dad wouldn't let me take
karate when I was a kid, Gus,

Because he knew, he knew
I was too good, too dangerous.

One moment, I'd be mastering
the high kick.

The next, I'd be holding
a beating heart in my hand.

- Uh, Shawn?
- What?

- Is that our...?
- Kidnapper.

Only one way to find out.

That second-floor
window's open.

I saw this
in a Jackie Chan movie.

We're gonna climb the building,
bouncing from wall to wall.

You can't bounce
to the second floor.

Excuse me.
I think you're neglecting

My martial arts training.

Are you talking about
the one class you had today?

Yes, Gus, I am.

You know what?
Just give me a boost.

All right.

Waaah!

We're in.

Hey, man, we know
you're the kidnapper.

And we can do this
the easy way or the...

You must be out of your damn...

Ah.

Oh. Oh.

We're not with this guy.
We never even met.

Actually, we just...
we just now met him.

- After we broke in.
- Accidentally broke in.

We fell through a window,

Which technically
isn't breaking in.

Yeah, and in our defense,

This is the guy
that's stealing stuff.

Yeah, he already had
the safe open.

Which he didn't have to crack,
which means he's a pro.

And he stole a jacket,
which is a weird thing to steal.

Agreed. Especially since
he already had a sweatshirt.

And it's not even
that cold outside.

So you see, we're
a couple good Samaritans.

But don't worry.
We don't expect a reward.

- Silence!
- Look, man, you don't get it!

We don't want
to fight you guys...

Even though
we're evenly matched.

- Evenly matched?
- It's three-on-three.

I've had my lesson.
You have your karate.

It's not karate, Shawn.

It's wushu.
Wushu sounds more authentic.

It sounds delicious
is what it sounds.

- I'm going in.
- What?

Waaah!

Waaah!

Gus,
those are cleaning supplies.

Maybe we should just chill out

And wait for these guys
to kill each other.

He went that way!

I'm trying
to stay alive, Shawn.

Gus, that is our kidnapper.

Trust me. I can scale that
in a single leap.

What?
Shawn!

- W-w-w-waaah!

Shawn.

- We lost him!
- He's right behind us.

I'm talking about the guy
we're chasing.

I'm talking about the guy
chasing us.

Gus, my spiritual senses
are out of control.

I can't believe I didn't turn
to eastern culture earlier.

Shawn, we got lucky because
we hid like little girls.

Gus, don't be
the ten tigers of canton.

We've reached a new level.

I rest my case.

Couldn't get
a clear shot of him.

It's almost as if he knew
there were cameras there.

Dude, that's it.

That's her jacket.
We found her.

- I'll call the police.
- No, no, no, Gus.

That was so us last week.

We've been riding everyone's
coattails this whole time.

I say we take him down now.

What do you mean now?
Shawn!

Waaah!

- Are you coming in or what?
- I was waiting.

It's been ten minutes.
I could be dead already.

If you recall,
I didn't want to go

In there in the first place.

So you leave me in there
with our suspect?

What was your plan exactly?

I was waiting to hear
if there was any screaming.

Then, depending
on how bad it sounded,

I would go forward from there.

And if there was any pleading,

That was also a variable.

Holy crap.
Are you checking email?

I need to be productive
when I get nervous, Shawn.

Just come on.
God bless!

Gus, this is sang tan.

His father is the leader
of the dragon triad.

This is the lovely Bekki.

And they are in love.

And your father's the leader
of the golden triad?

I get it.
It's Romeo and Juliet.

Kind of.

Our relationship
was discovered.

I had to get her safe.

People die from these kind
of indiscretions.

I went to her in the alley,
and we ran.

Things got out of control.

You need to tell the police

That this is not a kidnapping.

It's not that simple.

It's pretty simple.

I'm pregnant.

My father will never stand
for this.

I've been chosen to take over
for him when he retires.

There's no changing that plan.

I just need a day
to get some cash

And get some things in order.

You're part Chinese, Shawn.
You must understand.

You're damn right I do.

You told him you were Chinese?

Gus, I am part Chinese...

Now.

We'll never make it like this.

Can you help us?

- Of course we will.
- Absolutely not.

Let me get this straight,
Mr. Spencer.

You're saying that we should
stop the investigation.

Yes, indeed.

Chief, I am sensing
that there is more going on here

Than meets the eye.

Well, that's certainly a tactic

That we've never tried before.

And what
are you also suggesting...

That we cross our fingers
and perhaps hope for the best?

I have an idea
of what we could do.

Shh. Gus, don't.
Don't do it.

Don't... chief.
Before, moments ago,

It was fuzzy.

I'm upgrading it
to crystal clear.

Wait, I want to be sure.

Yes, crystal clear.
This is not a kidnapping.

Really?
If it's not a kidnapping,

Why did we just get this?

Wait.

I'm getting something else.

Look, I'm telling you
I'm right.

I know she was here.
She was standing right here.

I can see it plain as day...

Right next to the man
who some believe

To be her kidnapper.
How sure are you?

As sure as I am that the guy
who just friended Gus online

Is not the guy
who played R2-D2.

His name is Kenny Baker, Shawn.

Fine. Why would Kenny Baker
want to be friends with you?

Why would Elvira
want to be friends with you?

Her name is Cassandra Peterson.

Okay, we found
Bekki Chiang's bracelet,

A few other belongings.

She was indeed here,
so good work, Mr. Spencer.

- Thank you.
- Just a little late.

Chief, look at this.

- What is it?
- It's traces of blood.

You were here, weren't you?

- Yeah, a little.
- You had to go out

And play psychic,
and now the girl might be dead.

Trust me, dad. There are a lot
of things in play here.

She didn't get kidnapped.
She ran off with the guy.

She's in love
with a dragon triad,

And here's the kicker...

Guess who the leader
of the golden triads is.

- Arthur Chiang.
- You knew that?

Of course I knew that.

Cops have been trying
to nail him for years, Shawn.

Why do you think I didn't want
to let you in on this case?

Do not say
you're protecting me.

I wasn't protecting you.

But these are seriously
dangerous people, Shawn.

Dad, you're not listening
to me. I've got this.

It's Romeo and Juliet, man.
It's West Side story.

I don't know which one
is the jets

And which one is the dolphins.
Sharks.

That is all
that is going on here.

And how exactly
do you know all this?

She told me.

She told you.
Ah.

Any chance she said it
under duress?

I caught them kissing.

Ah.
Did he have a gun?

Oh, I'm assuming not.

That's exactly
what I'm talking about, Shawn.

You got played, kid.
What?

Now go home.
You've done enough.

That doesn't even...
I know what I saw.

- They lied to us.
- They didn't lie.

Maybe they were in it together.

They needed money.

They fleeced you because you're
either romantic or stupid.

I know when people are in love.

What now, guys?

You know
Romeo and Juliet, right?

DiCaprio and Danes?

- It's a play too.
- Sure it is.

What if I said Bekki Chiang
got mixed up with the triads,

The golden ones, and fell
in love with a dragon?

She didn't get kidnapped.

She's out there making
kissy face with her guy pal.

There's a ransom note, Shawn.

Aha!
You are following the case.

Only enough to know
that you're wrong.

Really?
If it's not a kidnapping,

Why did we just get his?

Wait a minute.

That was no ransom note.
No money was asked for.

I don't follow you.

That doesn't make
any sense, Shawn.

Why would he send a photo
that's going to incite a panic?

- Who's he?
- Romeo.

- The son.
- The son?

- The tan family.
- Which one?

- What do you mean "which one"?
- There are two.

- Two?
- Two sons.

This is sang tan.
He's number two in the gang.

Now, this is the other brother.
Which one did you meet?

I met them both.

Teno is an enforcer.

He's somewhere in the middle.

This guy's the toughest member
of the crew by far.

Why isn't he next in line?
He's a big problem.

He crosses territorial lines.
This guy likes to poke the bear.

The goldens and the dragons
have been at peace for a while.

This guy has a history
of inciting trouble.

The only reason teno
makes sense as a leader

Is in a time of war
between the triads.

And I don't see that happening
anytime soon.

Our relationship
was discovered.

I had to get her safe.

I do.

And I know
who kidnapped the girl.

Shawn, this is a bad idea.

Come on, Gus. We got this.
It's the brothers.

And I just realized what you do
when brothers are fighting.

What?

You tell their dad.

I still can't believe
you called a meeting

With the head
of the dragon triads.

Summit meeting.

It was relatively easy
after I revealed

I had jaw-dropping information
about his two sons.

- Just get to it.
- Hi, there...

Mr. Han tan.

Or is it Mr. Tan Han?

See, I get confused,

Because the back of Yao Ming's
Jersey says Yao, not ming.

- Shawn.
- Let me start off

By saying I love ping-pong

And general Chao's chicken

And your version of checkers.

I find your fire drills
to be immensely entertaining.

David Bowie's China girl...

- The naked version.
- That goes without saying.

I have also practiced
the ancient martial art

Of wushu...

Under the tutelage
of your fine people.

- Shawn, get on with it.
- I am endearing myself to him.

Stop endearing.

Your son wants to start a war
between the triads.

Teno, the mean one.

Maybe you have your own way
of differentiating them,

But for me, personally,
I think he's the meanest.

Maybe it's the tattoo
or just the general demeanor.

Use of brow.

Sometimes you just get a vibe
about someone.

Shawn.

Hold that thought.

I don't think
he speaks any English.

Oh.

Thank God.
I thought it was just me.

What do we do?

I have set plan "b" in motion,

And until then,
we're just gonna have to use

The international method
of communication.

You're not going
to attempt charades, are you?

- One word!
- Oh, my gosh.

West Side story.

- That's three words.
- Your son sang...

The nice one, dark sweatshirt,

Is in love
with Mr. Chiang's daughter,

Also nice.
Very nice.

Uh, here's the part
you won't like.

She is pregnant, preggers,

With your grandbaby.

There is a Chinese bun
in the oven.

She's actually not showing yet.
There's not a bump at all.

Safe to say that we're still
in the first trimester now.

- Shawn, this is not working.
- I am working my butt off.

He's giving me nothing!

- I didn't do anything!
- Don't worry.

I can hear plan "b"
right outside.

I didn't do anything, man.
What are you people doing?

Oh, go suck yourselves.

Thank God you're here, Ken.

- Why am I here?
- We need a translator.

- We solved the case.
- But we can't tell anybody.

And they can't understand
what we're saying.

Dude, I speak
nine words of Chinese.

Six of those are numbers.

All right, let's not panic.
I think we can use this.

Which numbers do you know?
Enough!

I understand you.

You do?

Man, you let...

Mr. Han...Tan...Han...

Shawn.

You have spent ten long years

Working very hard to keep peace

Between yourself
and the golden triads.

And your son teno
wants to rip it apart.

If you know where he is,
you have to tell us.

If I'm found
with the kidnapped girl...

The bloodshed will never stop.

We cannot get involved.

Right.

But we can.

So if you know where he is,

You got to give him up.

I'm about to solve a kidnapping.
I need you to bring backup.

- Shawn, call Lassiter.
- Nope. Not doing it.

- Stop it. I am not coming.
- Nope.

It's got to be you.
Listen, Jules...

Yin came after me too, okay?

I'm not gonna let this guy
keep me from living.

I need you, or I go down alone.

Well, with Gus.
You know what I mean.

You all right?
He's just outside.

Wake up.
Wake up.

We need you.
Wake up, sang.

- Gus, what are you doing?
- I'm trying to wake him up.

We need him to help us escape.
I told you, man.

I've got us covered.
Don't say it, Shawn.

You are not a kung fu expert.

Technically, no, not yet.

But I didn't show
you this, man.

These are mostly
just stretches,

But there's some lethal
combinations here on page three.

Teno...

We got you.

I figured it all out.
Really?

Yeah, really.

You felt betrayed
by your brother here, right?

More than that,
you were jealous

That you weren't selected
to take over.

See, Sang's a little soft
in your eyes, isn't he?

Unfit to lead.

But a war between the triads,

That would be
your opportunity to shine...

Teno, the enforcer.

You knew who it was the night
we left, isn't that right?

This is the guy
that's stealing stuff.

Yeah, the safe
was already open.

Which he didn't have to crack,
which means he's a pro.

And he stole a jacket, which
is a weird thing to steal.

You were the one
who discovered that your brother

Was consorting
with your most hated enemy.

Our relationship
was discovered.

And we led you right to him.

He's right behind us!

You broke into that room,
and you took matters

Into your own hands.

'cause luckily kidnapping
fell right in your lap.

And all you had to do
was snap a ransom photo,

Make up enough evidence to put
the blame on your brother there,

And wait.

Wait for a war that you had
always wanted to start.

Oh, relax, dude.

- Whoa. With the mouth.
- Waaah.

Dude, I have made it
through all seven levels

Of Shaq fu on Nintendo.

And Gus can attest to that.

Sang, wake up.

All right, let's do this.

Hwah!

Cha!

Twee!

I execute this properly,
no can defend.

You got it, Shawn.
You got it.

♪ wastin' time ♪

♪ on my own... ♪

- Help is on the way!
- Ha!

Any minute now, Shawn.

Your sensei teach you
how to fight with a stick?

Be like water, Shawn!

I got your back, Shawn!

Crouching tiger, Shawn,
crouching tiger!

♪ ♪

Help is coming!
Help is coming!

Fists of fury!

Fists of fury!

Wushu finger!

You're not helping!

I'm coming.

♪ ♪

Aah!

Aah!

Oh, man.

Really?

Oh.
Good work, Jules.

Yeah, he had just surrendered
before you got here.

Um, he surrendered
when I walked in, Shawn.

Oh, God.

You know, dad, none of this
would have happened

If you just had let me
take karate lessons as a kid.

But you know what?
I get it.

You saw that I had
too much potential, didn't you?

You knew that I would be
way too dangerous to train.

Shawn, I didn't let you
take karate

Because you had zero control
of your body.

I had too much control
of my body.

Are you out of your mind?

You used to run around
karate-chopping

Everything in the house.

I thought you'd kill yourself.
All right.

Agree to disagree.
But know this.

From now on, I can handle
the rough stuff, okay?

I'm my own person.
My body's a weapon.

I don't need you
to protect me, okay?

Fair enough.

But in return,
you never put me in a position

Of having to lie for you.

This isn't just
about you anymore, kid.

I'm a player in this game too.

You find a victim,
you find a perpetrator,

You call me first before you
put your hand to your head.

- First?
- First.

- How about first-ish?
- No!

Thanks.

I was about to say
the same thing to you.

I might have needed a kick
in the pants to get going.

I would never kick you
in the pants.

- You didn't give up.
- And I'll never give up.

What do you think?
Should we hug?

We could.

There you are.

- Rain check.
- There you are.

Chief said you were working
on a special project.

Thought you could work
on these too.

Oh, now you're going to ply me
with additional work?

Carlton, these are your taxes.
Hey, I'm trying to help you.

And this is how you help me?

Well, you're here, aren't you?
It's already working.

My spine might be liquid.

Did you tell the cops

You single-handedly
took out teno tan?

That was an assumption
that they made.

- From what?
- I may have left out two verbs,

An adjective, and the words
"Juliet arrived."

But other than that,
it was mostly facts.

You realize
you have to sign your statement.

Not if we leave right now,
I don't.

How about some panda express?
Had that last night.

- Pick up stix?
- Had that this morning.

- P.F. Chang's?
- You know that's right.

52, take two. A-mark.

Roll.

♪ dead, on my head ♪

♪ wastin' time ♪

♪ on my own... ♪

Gus,
those are cleaning supplies.

One more time.

Yeah, let's go back
and do that again.

He assumed. I called this
from a mile away.

Holy crap.
You're doing good cop.

Waaah!

W-w-w-waaah!

Waaah!

We can do this
the easy way or...

You must be out of your damn...

We can do this
the easy way or...

You must be out of your damn...

- What are we waiting for?
- Put your seatbelt on, Shawn.

Oh, for crying...
just... just start the...

Wow.

That's all we need, right?

Hee!