Psych (2006–2014): Season 2, Episode 13 - Lights, Camera... Homicidio - full transcript

Spanish-language Californian soap star Jorge Gama-Lobo, a Mexican, hires Psych to prove he didn't murder a fellow actor with a studio-made fake knife. Lassiter considers the film recording conclusive, but Shawn assesses Jorge's surprise genuine and gets the police chief to call him in. Snooping on director Lance's set, Shawn gets hired instead of a hopeless actor. Thus he gets access to the soap's internal politics as well as fan attention and sets a trap on air.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
You look illumineous right now.

If you're quiet, you can
hear the horses sleeping.

I cannot.

It sounds like nothing to me.


What are you watching?

Nothing, Shawn. It's your mom's
stupid so up opera. She left it on.

I wasn't watching at all. I
was taking a nap, actually.

Do you sleep with your eyes wide open?

Okay, Shawn, yes, maybe
I was half watching. Not,

because I like it, but
because it's educational.

Pay close attention, you might
learn a little something too.

I had a vasec to my two years ago.

That Logan is probably cheating on Skye?

No, Shawn, I'm talking
about sharpening your skills.

Look, watch her closely.

Tell me what you see.

She's... looking into the light.

Bingo. Looking directly into the lights

makes her eyes tear up, she cries.

Seen perps do it all the time
in the interrogation room.

So acting's really just a lie?

Of course, Shawn. What, you think those
goof balls on chips are really cops?

Wow, anything else
you wanna ruin for me?

I don't think we're allowed to
be on one of these things, Shawn.

If they didn't want us to drive it, why
did they leave the key sunder the seat?

This is not how I wanna be
spending my saturday morning.

Dude, Lassie called, man.
He called us. Us, the team!

Besides, this is a real, live television
studio, Gus. What could be better?

Eating my breakfast.

I was having a poached egg with
Hollandaise sauce on an English muffin.

Look, we'll solve it up quick.

You'll be back home in no time. Hello?

Dame Judi Dench called. She
wants her breakfast back.

Did you just do the something called
and want sits something back bit?

Look around, Gus. These are my people.

- Who are your people?
- These people.

Artists, thinkers, dreamers,
guy dressed as toast.

Now, if I were a crime
scene, where would I be?

Here I am.

Hey, I know this place.

- This is Corrine's living room.
- Who the hell is Corrine?

It's the living room from
explosion gigantesca de Romance.

- What are you saying?
- It's a Spanish soap opera, Shawn.

How do you know that? Who are you?
What happened to my best friend?

My gosh! And Lassiter is
talking to Jorge Gama-Lobo.

He plays Vicente on the
show. He's my favorite.

He slept with Mariana at his
own mother's funeral, Shawn.

What the...

It's on in every
doctor's office I visit.

I had no choice but to get sucked in.

You had a choice. You
still have a choice.

Who's the dead guy?

That's Rinaldo Nunez.

He played Ernesto on the show.
He used to be married to Corrine.

I'm sorry, dude. I can't believe you
actually watch this show. It's in Spanish.

Everyone in Santa Barbara
is watching it, Shawn.

The tele Novela is a craze.

Okay, what ever this
case is, I want in on it.

And I don't care how you do it.

Spencer, thank god you're here.

Now go home.

We don't need you. O'Hara jumped the gun.
This thing's pretty much open and shut.


If you want to spend more time with me,
you don't have to trump up some case.

You just pick up the phone, give me a call,
say "Shawn, I'm here, I've got pudding pops."

I'll keep that in mind.

Fact is, we have tape of

Mr. Gama-Lobo here actually
stabbing the victim on camera.

Will someone listen to me, please!

For the last time, I had
no idea the collapsible

prop knife had been
replaced with the real one.

I believe him.

He's your favorite actor? Really?

That felt a little forced to me.

Spencer, why are you still
here? I told you to run along.

Hurry up, ask a question that proves
there's more here than meets the eye.

I have a question!

Are those delicious looking
sandwiches for everybody?

Yes, for everyone
working on the stage here.

Thank you.

That's it? That's your question?

Follow up question!

- Do you have salami?
- Not by it self, no.

But as part of another sandwich
with other Italian meats.

That's interesting.

I like that very much.

All right, everybody,
let's bag and wrap this up.

Sir, you're gonna need to come
with us for some more questions.

Help me, please.

Who ever you are.

Unbelievable, Shawn. I ask for one case.
One case and you couldn't get us in on it.

Dude, I'm sorry. There's no case here.

Lassie's actually right.

Your boy stabbed some dude on
camera in front of everybody, look.


- There's no tells.
- What?

Look at the moment when
the knife goes into Nunez.

- It looks like it hurts. - Yeah,
but look there, Gama-Lobo's face.

He doesn't look angry, he looks fright.

More importantly, he looks surprised.

That is not the face of
a premeditated killer.

So what does that mean?

- I think it means we have a case.
- Yes!

A big fat double-stuffed
chalupa of a case with guacamole.


That's too hard!

I hate you, Ernesto! Die!

Come on, dude! I'm
stabbing you in the heart!

Give me something to work with here!

Okay, look, that's a
very interesting theory,

Mr. Spencer, but the tape
is pretty damning evidence.

Chief, all due respect, he'd have
to be the worst criminal of all time.

Or the smartest.

Of course he's gonna claim he
didn't know the knife was switched.

Aren't we getting ahead of ourselves?

- Mr. Gama-Lobo isn't
under arrest. - Yet.

The producers have just temporarily
suspended him from the show.

- They pulled him off the show?
- Temporarily.

Until more progress is
made in the investigation.

But you can't do that.

He's right in the middle of an
important love triangle with Corrine.

And we haven't even found out
whether Serena's baby is his or not.

What I meant to say was,

the man is an actor

on a television program. It
is his job, his live lihood.

You can't just take away a
man's means to sustain himself.

To put food on the table.

- I need to know if that baby's his.
- I have just one question.

If this is about food, I'm telling you
right now, I will not be a happy man.

How do you explain
the hair on the knife?

The what?

I am sensing there was a
long hair in the evidence bag.

A woman's hair.

Perhaps belong in to a
ted nugent impersonator.

But one thing is certain.

It didn't come from the
head of Mr. Gama-Lobo.

Was there a hair in the bag?

Actually, there was. We haven't
run it through the lab yet.

Why not?

Because, chief we feel the most
damning piece of evidence that tape.

The hair could have come from anywhere.
The evidence guy who bagged it.

Officer Henze is bald, detective.

I am sensing...

that the owner of that
Hair is our killer.

Chief, you give us one day... one day!

And you have our word, we'll make
sure this blatant departmental screw-up

doesn't bring down the entire
Santa Barbara police world...



One day.

But the best news is,

now that we're officially on the
case, we have craft service privileges.

Which means all the gummy bears and
poppycock we can Jam in our bellies.

But we only have one day to eat
them. Let's get to work, Shawn.

That's lance Rothstein.
Let's start with him.

He's the head writer on the show.

I saw his picture once
in soap Diary magazine.

Head writer? He's not even Spanish.

No, he was a Hollywood guy.

Used to write on Blossom.

Decided Spanish soap operas were a
better reflection of the human condition.

Obviously he didn't write the Blossom

where she adopted a chimp and
hit the road in an 18-wheeler.

- That was Bj and the bear, Shawn.
- You tell them that line is cut.

- Don't listen to them, they're actors.
- Floyd Rothstein.

Lance Rothstein. You have
a moment? We're big fans.

No, I don't have a moment.
I don't mean to be rude.

You have a head shot, just drop it off in
the casting department right off the lobby.

No, sir. We're not actors.

- You're not?
- Fur the shing from it. I'm a psychic.

I don't really, not interested
in getting my fortune told.

- Mr..?
- Spencer. Shawn Spencer.

This is my partner, Lavender Gooms.

We're here with the police
investigating the Nunez case.

Mr. Rothstein, I'm Burton Guster.

We were here yesterday
at the crime scene,

and we know that Jorge Gama-Lobo was not
responsible for the death of Rinaldo Nunez.

- He wasn't?
- No.

Shocking! I know that. And I
don't work with crystal balls.

Make a note. I just let that go.

It would have been way too easy.

Yeah, look, while we're talking here,

a murderer is wandering
around loose on my set.

Which is not comforting for
someone with my weak constitution.

I al ready have here Ditary
Angina and shin splints.

Listen, are you sure
that you are not an actor?

Because you really do
have a certain look.

What, a shallow look?

No, I have to go.

Whoa, I still have some more questions.

Look, if I do not shoot this scene...

right now, then later in the week,
we're gonna be doing this show live.

Why don't you find me
later on the set, all right?

Okay, but what would really
be help ful right now is

if you just gave us Mr. Gama-Lobo's home address
so that we could go there and interview him.

That is not necessary. The man has
been doing this show eight years.

His wife left him. This
is his home address.

I'm sensing a hair in
the evidence baggie.

Man, it just irks me!

I still think we should bring in some
of other cast members for questioning.

Here's the thing, O'Hara.
It's not that complicated.

Motivation, opportunity, execution.

With Nunez out of the picture,
Jorge's role on the show gets larger.


Knowing in advance that it's scripted that
he would stab Nunez presents opportunity.

The fact that he was unmistakably
caught on film actually

stabbing the victim, hello, execution.

Soon as we get those lab results
back, we'll be done... thank you.

- Who's that?
- Pascoretti, Penny. A newbie.

Just transferred in from
the 302 out of Oakland.

It's about time.

We could use some new blood.

I hate new blood.

Of course you do.

I welcome it.

Especially new female blood.

It gets lonely here in
this sea of testosterone.

Well, you go right
ahead, knock yourself out.

Make a new friend.

Maybe you could have a little tea party.

Braid each other's hair, for all I care.

Hello, I'm detective O'Hara,
but you can call me Juliet.

Anyway, I just wanted to introduce
myself, and welcome you here,

and let you know if you need any help
with anything, don't hesitate to ask.

Does it look like I don't know how
to write my own name and badge number?


Best friends forever?

Shut up, Lassiter.

Mr. Gama-Lobo...

we just have a few questions for you.

Call me Jorge, please.


Come on, that's a little silly.

That's your name. That's cool.

We know you didn't do it.

- You do?
- We think you were framed.

This is music to my earlobes.

Do you have questions for me?

Yes, we do.

Do you know if Serena's baby is yours?

- What?
- Serena's baby.


I'm sorry.

Are those meat balls from craft service?

Yes, Kelly knows they are my favorite.

Usually I hunger for her meat balls the way
a Jackal Salivates for an injured possum...

but Sadly, I have no
appetite for them now.

Grab the one doesn't have a fork in it.

They're still steaming.
The little... whoa!

Who's this over here?

That is my family.

Yes, they are all back in Mexico. I,

left them to do the show.

- Your brother.
- It's my sister.

No, he means this person right here.

Yes, yes. It's my sister.

No, he means this one. Right here.

Where my finger is.

Yes, yes. It's my sister.

She is quite lovely.

In a young... Keith Hernandez...

sort of... you must miss them very much.


I sense violence.

An altercation.

Here, in this room.

Someone had something against you. Here!

Yes. Yes, Quintessa.

Quintessa Gabrielle.

She plays Corrine on the show.

She is Gorgeous.

You don't know her wrath.

She hates me. She's like
the latina Susan Lucci.

She beat me up.

I hardly think there's
woman capable of that.

Bea Arthur.

I stand corrected.

Scuse us.

Would you please just, just
come out and talk to me?

Go away!

I promise you, I swear to
you, I will change the line.

I was misinformed.

There's gotta be another Spanish word
for nipple. Just tell me what it is.

Hi, how you doing?

I'm just going to the writers'room
where it's emotionally damaging,

but it's physically safe.

Let's go after her.

Whoa, maybe now isn't the
best time to approach her.

You're right. We only have
a day to solve the case.

We should wait and hang out.

I'll do the heavy lifting and charm
her, you grab a piece of her hair.

Grab a piece of her hair, why?

So we can compare it to the
one on the murder weapon.

How am I gonna Graba
piece of her hair, Shawn?

I don't know what else I can tell you.

I told the policeman every thing I know.


Yes, the talls curvy-like
one with no rhythm.

Detective Lassiter?

- Yes, that was his name.
- Were you and Rinaldo Nunez... close?

Well, we were working together, but...

but no, I didn't know
him very well at all.

- I'm a professional.
- I see.

Was he ever in your dressing room?

I should say not!

That's strange.

I'm seeing him in your dressing room.

Are you a psychic or some kind of witch?


so maybe sometimes he came to my

dressing room to rehearse
lines or something.

No, he's not running lines.

He's holding a feather duster,
dipping him self in pancake batter.

And he's quite naked.

Okay, so she's
definitely boinking Nunez.

Does that make her a suspect?

Well, she did lie about it.


Well, he does wear bikini briefs.



- This isn't a hair.
- What?

It's just part of her scrunchie. Look!

It's all elastic-Y. It's got
a piece of be dazzle in it.

It's made out of yarn. Good work, Buddy.

Forget it, I'll figure out
how to pluck one myself.

I think we should split up.

You hit the props department, see
what you can find out about our weapon.

I'm gonna pop into the stage and grill lance
about the quintess a Jorge relationship.


Camera two, push in.

Hold it there.


So this is where all the magic happens?

Yes, smell the dream.

Can I ask you a question? I think...

I'm sorry. I'm just gonna watch.

What the hell is he doing? What,
does he got a twitch or something?

I'm afraid that's called his acting.

He's only got a couple of lines.

It's always the bit players.

Is he flirting with her?

That was the idea.

He should be more subtle
than that, man. Luke,

you don't seduce a woman with your
for ehead and your Adam's apple.

It's right here. It's always been here.

It doesn't start there, you know?

I mean, you're over here and then...

how would you do the line?

Do... do what?

You know.

No, I can't, whoa, I just...

Well, that's the thing.

Jorge would never have known
that the knife was real.

The blades are virtually
identical, actually.

We build the propas close to the specs
of your ave ragesix-inch blade as we can.

I mean, we do that, obviously,
for the look of the knife.

But also, it gives, like, a realistic feel
for the actor. You know the size, the weight.

The texture, so on.

Here, you wanna hold it? Go on, hold it.

- It feels real.
- But it's not.

That's the fake one. See?

The blade retracts. Collapses
right into the handle.

You wanna try it?

- No, I couldn't.
- Come on, stab me.

- No, really, I shouldn't.
- Come on! Go ahead.

Hey, it's fun, trust me.

All right.

Just messing with you.

Do you mind if I borrow
this to show my partner?

It's for the investigation.

Okay, Shawn, this is
what I found out so far.

Turns out the knife may
have changed hands up

to six times before
Nunez was stabbed with it.

The day is almost up and we've gotten
nowhere. It could be anyone on this set.

We need more access and more time.

I think I've figured outa
Pretty good angle for that Buddy.

I just need you to step
aside for one second.

Maybe hit the craft service table.

Grab us a couple of those potato latkes.

I can't figure out how
Kelly makes them so crispy.

I'm not stepping any where, Shawn.

Am I the only one doing
any work here on this case?

I'd love to go to work. I'm ready,
I feel it. I just... I can't.

Really? And why is that?

- You're standing right in my eye line Buddy.
- What?

Quiet on the set!

Four, three, two...

and action.

Thanks for coming into
speak with us, Ms. Desmondo.

You're welcome.

I'm gonna get right to it.

Can you recall any in
stances in which you witnessed

Jorge Gama-Lobo engaging
in violent behavior?

- Yes.
- Yes?


Please tell us.

It was seven years ago,

when he pushed Diego Cabrera
off a Bridge in broad day light.

Wait, that happened in this state?

- When was he charged?
- He wasn't.

He beat the rap.

But there was an eye witness.

His thought-to-be-missing
step brother, Juan Sandoval.

Sandoval, that sounds familiar.

McNab! Get in here!

I need you to run all
information on a Juan Sandoval.

Juan Sandoval?

Wasn't hey our common law husband?

Wait... he was your husband?

Common law.

But you murder ed himby
freezing his body and then

shipping it to Hawaii, and
defrosting it by a Volcano.


That was fifth season, episode eleven.

I'm a fan.

Are you two talking about the show?

I'm talking about a real murder.

I actually saw that episode.

But he came backin season six, right?

As the chief surgeon, so that
he could change Velma's face

so that you could take the
rap for Beatrice's murder!

It's the only episode I saw.

Who writes this crap?

The writers are all so
colorfuland brilliant.

They're wonderful
with the brutal crimes.

They are some kind of geniuses, I swear.

Some kind of murder geniuses maybe.

I have a package for you...

... special delivery

It says...

...'handle with care'

He's really got something, am I right?

Yes, he's my muse.



That's what happens when you
hire people off the street.

She's sweet.

Sweet like Mariah Careyon a Bender.

- How'd that look?
- Okay.

Don't take this the wrong way,
but I think it lacked some passion.

- Passion.
- Yes.

Do you have any idea how
many pages we shot today? 83.

And I'm getting by with the Spanish
I learned from Charo on love boat.

Plus I gotta make it look passionate?

And look for clues?

Don't get me wrong.

I'm pulling it off quite Nicely.

I got a hair off Quintessa's head.

- Because our dressing rooms, side by side.
- Nice.

How many times do you two need to be
told you are not needed on this case?

You are wasting the
department's resources.

Hey, pal!

Please escort these
two off the premises.

- Well, uh...
- Uh is not an action word.

Now drop the Joe and
take them out of here.

Well, actually, this
coffee's for Mr. Spencer.

- Thank you, Roger.
- Mr. Spencer?

- Well, uh, Chad, I guess.
- What?

Here, these pineapple peking
dumplings are special for you, Chad.

Thank you, Kelly, you
sweet little thing.

No. No.

No. No, no, no, no.

I'm going to have to ask
you to leave the stage area.

- We're about to roll.
- You don't wanna touch me.

Roger, it's okay.

Before you go...

you might want to send this
down to your boys at the lab.

It's a hair off Quintessa
Gabrielle's head.

The same color and lengt has the
one found on the murder weapon.

I think you'll find it's
a sweet, sweet match.

Oh, yes. I'll get right on that.

- Why would you do that?
- The hair from the knife was synthetic.

It came from a wig. Quintessa
Gabrielle's hair is real.

So there's no match. But...

nice work. Chad.

What kind of show do you think
we're doing? Gotta keep it grounded,

you gotta keep it real. Wanna
go back to being an intern?

Excuse me, I am doing
something here. Not nothing.

She's already making love to her
nephew. She can't also be a nun.

Yes, can I help you? Very quickly.

I have a warrant to search these premises,
confiscate all scripts and written material.

On what grounds?

On the grounds you've all been very busy
thinking up ingenious ways to kill people.

All that, plus the latest in local sports
with Dan the man, coming up at 11:00 P. M.

What the hell?

- Jorge Gama-Lobo tried to kill
himself? - Tried and failed.

Must have been so wracked with guilt over
stabbing Nunez, he decided to off himself.

- Did he leave a note?
- Oh, yeah.

Admitting to the murder. It's
already with the boys down at the lab.

I just wanted to get in
there, get a verbal confession.

You've got to be kidding me.

Step away from the bed now!

Don't you shush me!

I was about to say there's still time for you to
go downstairs to the gift shop and buy something.

- Maybe a teddy bear.
- Oh, that's nice.

Teddy bears are cute.

They have one with a jar of
honey that says, "bee well".

I mean it, this time I will arrest
you for interfering in police business.

I'm gonna have to ask you two to leave.

- This man is very sick, and I need quiet in here.
- Us?

Excuse me, I'm detective O'Hara and this is
detective Lassiter and we're investigating this man.

And I demand you remove
these men from this room.

Honey, the only people actually authorized
to be in here are Mr. Spencer and Mr. Guster.

They're on Mr. Gama-Lobo's
friends and family list.

- Everyone else... out.
- You just met him a week ago.

His whole family is back in Mexico.
His older brother misses him very much.

- His sister.
- Right.

How does he make friends so fast?

I get that Jorge was depressed about being
off the show, but murder/suicide/coma?

This whole thing is starting to
feel like a real soap opera to me.

I can't believe he
would take his own life.

Unless he was wearing a wig...

he didn't.

Someone else did.


I don't get it.


I thought I wrapped it up
so nicely for you just now.

It felt really good. It was organic.

Synthetic hair.

Just like the one found on the knife.



It means the same person was there...

when Jorge tried "to kill himself".

He wasn't alone.

So wait... you're saying

- he didn't try to kill himself?
- I can't do this.

You're not being clear, Shawn.

Come on, dude.

I gave it to you three different ways.

Did he or did he not
try to kill himself?

Is that the Gama-Lobo suicide note?

Yes, but I'm still waiting on the
hand writing samples from the lab.

Nah, forget that. Just read it to me.

Okay, "dear world, I ask for forgiveness for
the sins I have committed against humanity.

"It was my hands... that
carried out a heinous murder".

Wait a minute.

Hold on a second.

- I know that.
- You know that?

I have been literally poring
over these things for days.

Hold on a second.

Okay, continue.

"How can I go back and reverse time?

"I have no choice but to say good-bye "

to a world I turned my back
on and the woman I betrayed".

- Wow, it's from a script?
- Word for word.

Written by Lance Rothstein.

So Lance set him up.

What, did he just get lazy? Did
he think no one would remember?

He's gonna have plenty of time to
figure out new plot lines behind bars.

So this is what it
feels like to be in jail.

I always wondered if I'd survive.

- I was in jail once.
- Really...

this is what it was like for you too?

Yeah. Yeah, pretty much.

You know, I mean, these
phones aren't real.

No, course not. I mean, you
know, it would be too expensive.

But I mean for Ernesto's prison
scene tomorrow, it's great, right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Lance Rothstein, you're under arrest.

- For what?
- The murder of Rinaldo Nunez.

Don't worry, I can get
you off on that one.

And the attempted murder
of Jorge Gama-Lobo.

Ooh, I don't know about that one.

Don't get up. I'm not staying.

We just had a huge breakin that
murder case I was working on.

So now the paperwork.

I just wanted to stop by and...

give you this.

What is that?

- A cupcake.
- I can see that but

why are you giving it to me?

I noticed that you were eating one with your lunch
the other day, so I stopped and bought you one.

Same kind, red velvet.

You, um... you noticed
what I was eating.

Well, yeah, I'm a detective.

- I notice details.
- Really?

What else did you notice about me?

Well, I notice that you
eat by yourself every day.

I notice that you hesitate to
make eye contact with people.

And, well, you can...

be a little abrasive.

But, you know, that's probably
just because it's hard to adapt.

You know, lots of politics.

It's hard to understand
where everyone's coming from.

Don't worry.

I think I'm getting a pretty good idea.


I'm glad.

Dad! You're here!

I am.

You have to try this sandwich.

- Kelly from craft service makes them for me.
- I already ate lunch, Shawn. Why am I here?

This isn't lunch.

This is turkey... with
stuffing and cranberry.

It's like thanks giving
between two slices of bread.

This whole place is like
leaving Las Vegas with food.

Shawn, why'd you ask me here?

I thought you'd enjoy it.

You said you never had the opportunity to visit me when
I was working a real job, and now I have a real job!

- Shawn, this is not a real job.
- Sure it is.

Oh no, I think I got make-upon
this t-shirt. Has anyone seen Ivan?

Acting is not a real job, Shawn. I
mean, how much attention do you need?

I'm not doing this for the attention.

I happen to be solving a case.

A murder. This is serious business.
I've got a guy sitting in jail.

Lassiter's got some evidence against
him, but I know he didn't do it.

It doesn't make any sense. He's
a writer. He's got no motive.

Well, motive is everything.
No motive, no conviction.

How do you have fans?

This is asinine. You started
on the show five days ago.

- Look, I have something.
- Did you ever think

that maybe this is embarrassing for me?

- Embarrassing for you?
- First off, your accent is terrible.

It's disgraceful, really.

You sound like that el pollo loco guy.

And then, there you go,
turning your back on Rinaldo,

even after he defended you when you were
accused of Maria's kidnapping... come on.

First of all, I am trying to
sound like the el pollo loco guy.

And secondly, Rinaldo turned his back on me
when he slept with Maria in the first place.

Oh, come on, he would have
given you half the reward money!

Where's your integrity? It makes
you look like such a bad person.

I'm Shawn.

Those are things that
my character Chad did.

I play him on tv.

It's Shawn. Shawny.

Look into your boy's eyes.

It's me, papa.

Don't be an idiot. I'm
not one of your fans.

I barely even like you.

That's it.

If my own father can blur the lines between
the show and reality, why couldn't someone else?

We've been looking in the wrong place.

It's fans.

Okay, so you've narrowed
it down to 150 suspects.

Good work, Shawn.

I want your baby!

I want your baby!

I don't have any female
fans? Listen, Lance.

Lassiter doesn't have enough
to make this arrest stick.

He's just hoping that a couple nights
in jail will get you to confess.

A couple nights? No, no, no, no.

Here's the thing.

I actually like it in here.

This is fuel for the
show. It's fuel for me.

I always felt there was something
holding me back as a writer.

I grew up in Beverly Hills. And
I always felt that I lacked any...

real life experience.

Shawn, this is so good for me.

It's like Hemingway, like
Ellroy, Steinbeck. Danielle Steel.

- Ethan Hawke.
- Judy Blume.

Exactly. I can wallow in the
harsh under belly of prison life.

And shake it up a little
bit with the riff-raff.

Uh, the riff-raff?

This is the Santa Barbara jail.

Not San Quentin.

It was written up in fodor's last
year as a nice spa alternative.

We need to get you out of here so you
can write the show. Everyone needs you.

No, no, no, I can write in here.

I can scratch it out with a broken piece
of lead in the dark. And then I can...

bury myself in the one non-down pillow
they issued meand I can cry myself to sleep.

Look, we need to talk about Corrine.

- Corrine?
- Corrine.

- Oh, Corrine.
- Yes, it came to me in a vision.

The murderer is doing
this to protect her.

Think about it.

First, Ernesto cheated on her.

And was stabbed and killed.

Then you wrote that Vincente be
trayed her and went missing. Someone...

took it into their own
hands and tried to kill him.

Well, not Vincente, but Jorge.

That's my point.

They can't tell the difference.

- It's a fan.
- That's interesting.

I'm not disagreeing, but what's act two?

I mean, let's say it is just one fan. How
you gonna find one fan among thousands?

Easy. That's where you come in.

You just write me a storyline where
I put Corrine's life in Jeopardy.

Then we won't have to go
looking for the murderer.

The murderer will come looking for me.

You wanted to see me, chief?

Is there a problem?

Did the Rothstein arrest not stick?

This isn't about the Nunez case.

This is about the new
transfer, Penny Pascoretti.

Wanted to hear your side.

My side? My side of what?

Well, I don't know a
delicate way to put this.

Ms. Pascoretti has filed an interdepartmental
harassment charge against you.

What? That's outrageous!

Is there any truth to this claim?

I was just being nice.

Reaching out. I bought her a cupcake.

- Sue me.
- She is.

What do you mean you
bought her a cupcake?

With this piece of information, you're lucky
the charge didn't include a stalking claim.

I was just trying to make a friend.

I'm going to give you a
piece of advice. And take it.

As a woman in this department, you have to be
very careful how you go about forming friendships.

Women in the line of police work are more cautious
by nature and necessity, and slow to trust.

Well, if that's the case, I guess no
woman has a friend in the department.

That's right.

Oh, 'cause I kind of
thought we were friends.

Well, you were wrong.

I'll talk to Ms. Pascoretti and see
what I can do to mitigate these charges.

But in the meantime,
stop buying pastries.

You're excused.

Nice blouse.


I got it at nord strom,
it was on the sale rack.

- I probably shouldn't.
- I don't care.

- But you asked...
- Enough, O'Hara. Goodbye.

We have a problem.

The show's fallen behind.

And the network says the only way we can stay
on schedule is if we do the show on friday, live.

Which means we need a script tonight!

- Is that possible?
- Are you kidding me?

- I've never been more inspired in my life.
- Sweet! Here's the catch.

Now that you've had me cheat on Corrine,

I need you to put out new pages, with a new murder
weapon, and a scene where Corrine comes after me.

That's a terrible pitch.
Why would I do that?

Because, Lance, the murderer's
going to try and finish the job.

Whoever it is has access to the scripts

and will be paying very close
attention to the murder weapon

and will likely tamper with it tomorrow.

But I'll be there to catch them.

All right, Spencer, I trust you're confident this
elaborate charade is going to be fruitful for the case?

Confidence is not my problem.

Dry lips, however... Pearl,
make it nice for the kissers.

Mr. Spencer, we're ready for you on
set. We're moments away from going live.

Okay, so what's our plan?

Well, Lance wrote this long
monologue for Corrine after my exit.

That gives me plenty of time to make my
costume change, so I'll meet you backstage then.

- Keep your eyes peeled for anything suspicious.
- Got it.

We're seconds away from live!
Places, everybody, places!

In four... three... two...

and... go!

I didn't write that.

- Improvisation. I like it.
- Yes.

Oh, this can't be good.

Dude, did anyone come
near the prop table?

What prop table?

I've been glued to the tv, watching for
anything suspicious to happen, like you said.

Dude, you're just standing there
eating a meat ball, watching the show.

You're supposed to be
watching the prop table!

You never said anything
about a prop table, Shawn.

If you would a said watch the prop table,
I would have been watching the prop table.

Whoever tampered with that
nail gun is our killer, Gus.

- We're talking about my life here!
- I know, Shawn. This woman is crazy.

- She's gonna kill you.
- Look, forget it, okay? Just forget it.

I'll check the nail gun myself.

Do me a favor, and save me
one of those meat balls, yeah?

Let's go. You gotta get out there.

This is no time for pranks, Roger. There's
still half a scene before I make my entrance.

Not anymore. She's all over the place. She
just skipped ahead three pages. You're on!

- Gus?
- Be strong, Shawn.

Okay... here you go.

But do not point this at me,
because es mucho dangerioso.

You say that you know, but
seriously. Be very carefulio.

You could morte me with this thing
because it is realio as it gets!

I love the improv. The passion.

Not an improv!

Shawn is the father of Serena's baby!

Please put that down, woman,
it's loaded with real nails!

Shawn, watch out! Watch out!


You are wrong!

I am not a murderer-o!

But I know who is-o.

Yes... your twin sister.

Yes, what I mean is, it's someone
who wants to be your twin sister.

Someone who wants to be you!

- I definitely did not write this.
- Okay, I don't get it.

No, it's like, eh...

- My god, he's improvising.
- ... with... homicide...

I... can't do this!

Uh, you make a translation for me, yeah?

Ah, high school spanish
comes back to haunt him.

She did it!

Pan over. Pan over!

After all that, you just
point at the murderer?

Don't you have any sense of
dramatic tension or build?

Come on, what are we, on blossom? No! You
start by saying she was your biggest fan.

You know, that she practically
worships you. She read all the scripts.

I got this, I got this... you! Yes, you!

You hated it whenever
Corinne was put into Jeopardy.

So you took it up on
yourself to avenge her.

I had to.

She cares too much.

Her heart is too big for her chest.

When Ernes to cheated on her, she
was too weak to stand up for herself.

I needed to help her.

She was like my best friend.

- I barely spoke to her.
- Really?

So it was you who replaced the
retractable prop knife with the real one!

And he deserved it.

And it was also you who poisoned poor Vincente
after it was written that he betrayed Corinne.

- But how?
- With a meat ball.

Usually I hunger for her meat balls the way
a jackal salivates for an injured possum.

But he wrote a suicide note.

No, he didn't.

You should have a degree
in being wrong all the time.

And she almost got away with it!

If it was not for the hairs.

- The hairs?
- Yes, the hairs.

From the cheap imitation wig that you put on to
emulate Corinne when you committed these murders!

Yes, I did it!

- And now it's your turn to die.
- Say what?

For sleeping with Serena when
all Corinne did was love you.

She's right about that.

Easy, you psycho! Put it down. Let go!

Really? That's what you choose to say?

I only took it for two years
in junior high. Watch out.

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