Preacher (2016–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - Search and Rescue - full transcript
Tulip teams with Jesus Christ to plumb Masada's dungeons to free whatever remains of Cassidy. Meanwhile, Jesse's mission to Australia may be over before it's even started.
I had him.
I had him dead to rights!
But you didn't want him
dead to rights, Herr Starr.
You wanted to make him suffer.
Yes?
So...
let's make him suffer.
I want to carve a vagina onto his head.
I think that falls under
the category of "suffering."
A vagina!
All due respect, My Lord.
But what is it that you want?
Yeah.
The great question of the universe...
Well, for one thing, what I want...
is to know how my Child is doing.
Jesus is expected soon.
He is representing Heaven
at the conference...
Not him. The other one.
The funny one.
The one you call... "Humperdoo."
Oh, yes.
Well...
that's a nickname,
a term of affection...
How is he?
Thriving under your care, I trust.
Good.
I saw him just this morning.
High spirits as always.
Good.
God, I love that kid.
Yes, he's, uh... something else.
He's integral.
To all of it. To everything.
Yes, of course.
Do your part, Allfather,
and you will earn your
long-lost reward...
♪ Mm, hmm ♪
♪ Ah, nah, nah nah ♪
♪ Ah, ha, mm, hmm ♪
♪ Ba, ba, ah, ha ♪
Visage pristinus.
Handsome and unsullied.
That's what you want, yes?
Your looks back.
We're going to carve a vagina...
into Jesse Custer's soul.
His soul?
Have faith, Allfather.
My Great Design is at work,
and it's going to be beautiful.
This is your captain speaking.
Looks like we've hit a rough patch
or something.
Please fasten your seat
belts and try to remain calm.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Well, that was lucky.
That the best you got?
"Do you know what you look like to me,
with your good bag and your cheap shoes?
You look like a rube."
You're in a new mood.
Yeah, well, nothin' like a
nice walk to lift the spirits.
Or a roll, if you will.
Vampire coming up. Three minutes.
Copy that.
- Hold, please.
- What's this?
Emissary just arrived.
No shit. Which one?
Heaven or Hell?
Shit.
Not Heaven.
Did you see... Should've
taken a picture.
Hoo, boy, eh?
Goose pimples, right?
Now, listen. Now, that is true evil.
Not some make-believe
Chianti-cannibal movie shrink
who's supposed to be scary
'cause he can "get into your mind."
Nah, old Adolf, when he
wanted to get in your mind,
he just cracked your
skull open and took it.
Am I right?
Oh, what's this shit now?
Yo!
Hey!
Where they at?
- Who?
- Who. Ah, you're funny.
Where'd they go?
Oh, you mean the guard fellas?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I killed them.
Did you now? With
what? Your smart mouth?
I picked the lock with an angel feather,
then I snapped their necks
before they had a chance to scream.
Let me tell you, get your funny out now.
'Cause when we get to Bensonhurst?
Ain't nobody gonna be laughing.
Oh, shit!
Where you goin', Frankie?
What are you doin'?
No! Come on! Not like this!
Not like this! Not like this!
No! No!
Noooooo!
- Oh-ho!
- This ain't right.
Frankie, Frankie, Frankie, listen to me.
Frank! Settle down.
The lambs are about to stop screamin'.
Huh?
Sorry for the holdup there, gents.
Vampire comin' up in three minutes.
Buddy, we're dead!
We're not going to die! Trust me!
Hitler was wrong!
What?!
Hitler was wrong!
We just survived the plane
crash without a scratch!
It's a miracle!
You think now an itsy-bitsy
little bit of rain
is gonna stop us?
- No, sorry!
- We're lost at sea!
Unregistered flight, no
transponders, no instruments.
Compared to a West Texas thunderstorm,
this ain't nothin'!
We just gotta stay positive.
Oh, man.
What's the point? We're
just gonna die anyway.
We're gonna get to
Australia, one way or another,
so cut your whining!
And be positive!
You're right!
Then what the heck are
we gabbing here for, huh?!
Let's bail!
You just gonna sit there
shampooing your hair,
or you gonna toss some water?
- Christ!
- Attention, rail personnel,
the incapacitating pressure point class
is starting in five minutes.
Where is she?
She who?
You know who. Tulip.
Well, I've known a
few Tulips in my time.
And a handful of Daisys
and a single Rose.
Which Tulip might you be lookin' for?
The stupid one.
She blew off her boyfriend
and came back here.
I'm bettin' for no good reason
than to save your bony ass.
Why would she do that?
Like I said, she's really stupid.
You're right.
She's super stupid.
But I haven't seen her.
You, mop up Frankie.
The rest of you, let's
get him back downstairs.
Rail personnel, any harvesting teams,
you have a 20-minute window
to retrieve your organs.
You.
Come with me.
Make sure those are tight.
Don't want our bait
wriggling off the hook.
You call this tight?
I can still feel me fingers, boys.
Ah.
Not for long.
Now we wait.
So, how was Bensonhurst?
I can't believe she came back for me.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Wait. Who?
- Tulip.
- Oh, blessed girl.
Oh. Never doubted her.
'Course she came back.
And she's gonna keep comin' back.
What's the problem with that?
The Emissary requires a personal valet.
Mm-hmm.
You do not look him in the eye.
You do not speak to
him unless spoken to.
No selfies, no autographs.
Sir?
I just remembered.
I have a ton of work to
do down in the prison area,
and my supervisor's probably
freaking out as we speak.
How about I go down there
and sort all that out
and then come back to
the... Emissary Suite,
which sounds cool, by the way.
I just don't want to
abandon my duties, sir.
So, what do you think?
I think that for over 1,900 years,
Grail disciples have sacrificed,
preparing themselves for the rewards
that will be brought forth
by this summit between Heaven and Hell.
And by the man in this room.
For anyone to refuse the honor
of playing even the smallest
part in its apotheosis
would be so incomprehensible to
me that I could only explain it
as... treasonous.
Right.
Hmm.
Nice.
Don't talk, don't speak,
no selfies, and don't touch.
Yeah, you said that.
But if he touches you?
You should respond positively.
Hey.
Jesus.
Oh, it's not the doin', it's
the tryin', I always say.
Shut your hole, Birdman! Christ!
To be free as a bird. To
roost and preen and hunt.
Love bound to hatchlings
as I return again and again
with regurgitated insect scraps.
Shut your hole.
Fer like a minute. I dare ya.
No problem.
How long was that?
It was like six seconds.
Felt like forever.
Where's your girlfriend? She comin'?
She's not my girlfriend.
- Yeah, right.
- She isn't.
I can't believe she came back for me.
You almost goobered into
your galoshes, my man.
It's my mate's girlfriend.
Forbidden love? The best.
It's not love, you bastard, all right?
It... It's her pigheadedness.
They've got me.
She doesn't like it, so
she's comin' to get me.
And... And that's it. And they know it.
They know she's comin'.
When she does...
...well, they're gonna kill her.
That's a grievous turn of events.
Your forbidden love
wandering into a trap
like a mouse to the cheese...
a trap you're responsible for setting,
if we're being honest.
What to do? What to do?
I tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna break out of these,
and then I'm gonna kill you.
Oh.
Yeah.
Would you look at that sun?
93 million miles away,
and you can still feel it.
Yep.
That's gonna work.
Hoo boy!
It's a good thing you
told me not to bring pants.
My legs can really feel it now.
Jesus.
Where's that first-aid kit?
Yeah, first aid would be great.
An aspirin or... or a
shot of morphine, maybe,
or even a bone saw would be welcome.
Or you know what we could do?
We could... We catch some fish and...
and just fry them up on my thighs.
Let me think.
You know what? That's a good idea.
Now, thinking is like
the answer to everything.
- Could you be quiet?
- Good idea.
Yeah. Let's, uh...
Let's just take in the silence...
the sweet serenity of the sea.
Stop being positive!
Oh, my God!
Oh! Holy...
Oh, son of a...
Feel no pain!
That's so cool.
We're maybe gonna die out here, huh?
No, we're not gonna die.
Listen to me.
What's your name?
- Steve.
- Steve.
All right, Steve, well...
you know, this whole thing,
your legs, the plane crash,
it's all just a test from God.
Like the prophets of old.
He doesn't want to kill us.
He just wants to see what we're made of.
And we're gonna show Him. Okay?
What if I don't believe in God?
Well, I wouldn't blame you for that.
You don't need to believe in Him.
Just believe in me.
Okay.
I mean, you got us this far, right?
You're to be my valet.
Yeah. Uh...
Thing is, uh, I don't
really know a whole lot
about, um, valet-ing, but he
said they're short staffed...
well, we're short staffed, The Grail is.
Yeah, I'm... I'm to be it.
I will be valet-ing you.
What's your name?
Marnie. Pomerantz.
I'm Jesus Christ.
W-What?
Marnie. You're in trouble.
Uh, do you mind?
Oh. Yeah.
Allfather.
Your Grace.
Masada is at your disposal.
Food court, gym, steam, sauna.
There's a chapel... somewhere.
Your counterpart from
Hell has also just arrived.
- I imagine...
- Allfather...
your ear.
It looks like...
Nothing to concern yourself about.
Surgeon assures me it's on the mend.
Ah.
Well. If there's nothing else?
You're a most gracious host, Allfather.
Do I know you?
No. Sir.
Your face is familiar.
Uh...
Maybe you've, uh... Maybe
you've seen me in the food court.
No.
I know you.
Allfather.
When do I get to meet my Child?
My descendent. Flesh of my flesh.
I hear he's quite a dancer.
Oh, indeed.
Fear not, your Grace.
When the time is right,
I'm certain you will have
a glorious introduction.
Until then, your Grace.
See?
You are in trouble.
Jesus is asking after "his Child."
Oh.
How are we progressing
with the clone replacement?
Of course we don't even
have an air date yet,
but would he be presentable?
No one can know we lost
him. Understand? No one!
Of course.
I'll make sure the replacement
is ready if need be.
Something else on your mind, sir?
No.
Permission to speak freely, sir.
I can't help but notice a certain...
languidness in you as of late, sir.
As your sworn confidante, I
would be remiss in my duties
to not remind you that,
despite these recent setbacks,
you are still the sole
and sovereign Allfather.
The full force of The
Grail at your disposal.
The world at your fingertips.
And from where I stand,
while things may seem at their darkest,
in my humble opinion, you
are, in fact, sitting pretty.
Presentation packet on your desk, sir.
I'll leave you to it.
Sitting pretty.
Make sure you tie off the knot.
Ah.
Then...
...make the backstay tight.
Ah.
All we need now is some wind.
Ha ha!
Oh-ho.
Where the hell'd you
learn how to do that?
Girl I know. She's good
at this kind of thing.
Damn.
Ah, this is nothin'.
I once saw her build a land mine
out of a lawnmower and root beer.
Yeah?
All I need is a woman who
knows how to iron a dress shirt
- and I'll marry her.
- Oh, shit. Your arm!
My... My hand.
When it was dangling in the
water, a shark must've...
How'd I not feel it?
'Cause I told you not to.
That's better.
I mean, it looks like
it should really hurt.
Hey.
Here's the plan.
We're gonna sail to
that beach in Australia.
We're gonna get a bunch of
beers, a couple of nice steaks.
We're gonna sit in the sun, and
we're gonna get you fixed up.
That is the plan, right?
Oh, you son of a bitch!
I see what you're doin'.
This is between me and you! Not him!
He's gonna die out here
unless you cut this shit
and do somethin' right now!
What'd He say?
He said, "Soon."
Oh, good.
Sooner is probably better than later.
Sorry I lied before.
You seem like a super-nice person.
Obviously.
Well, you seem like a
nice person, too, Marnie.
Actually, my name's Tulip.
I lied about that, too.
I'm sorry.
I see.
Look...
I didn't mean to get you involved
in all my sh... my stuff.
So, I'm... I'm just
gonna get outta here.
To your friend?
Uh-huh.
The one who's in trouble?
Maybe I can help you?
Oh, uh...
That's, like, really cool
of you, Jesus, but, um...
What is it, my child?
You don't think that I can help?
This isn't a turn-the-other-cheek
kind of thing.
Okay? This is a jailbreak.
Things are gonna get ugly.
They're gonna get violent.
Possibly deadly.
Oh, my.
Yeah.
So, no, I don't think you can help.
We'll see.
I need to go to the bathroom.
- Shh!
- Shh!
I'm sorry. I really need to go.
- Shh!
- Shh!
- Shh!
- Chill.
Shut up, man. She'll kill you.
If I knew we were gonna
be here this long...
Unh!
Idiot.
What'd I tell you?
Okay. I went in my pants.
Shh!
Jesus?
Jesus.
What a pleasant
surprise. Can we help you?
I'm here to bless the prisoners.
Prisoners?
This is the dungeon, yes?
You must have prisoners.
This is a dungeon, my
lord. Masada has many.
In fact, there's one in the North Wing.
Mormons and pederasts.
They'll be thrilled.
I'll have someone show you the way.
I want to bless the prisoners here.
This... is just a training area.
There are no prisoners here.
I said shut up!
I'm sorry. I can't let you in.
You can do anything you want, my child.
Scale mountains, cross oceans,
crawl through the eye of a needle.
You can live forever.
All you have to do is make way for me.
Jesus.
It's not gonna happen.
What?
It didn't work.
Oh, there you go.
Come on! That's it!
Pop goes the weasel.
Aah!
Aah!
You could have just untied me.
Yaaah!
Lung cancer heart disease,
being stabbed to death as
I sleep by an angry ex-wife.
That's how I thought I'd...
But not in a raft...
with no hand and no pants.
I came out of a blackout
once with no pants on.
Being chased by the Rodriguez Brothers.
I promise you, I'd take
this situation every day.
I should've had more sex with strangers.
I mean, I had sex with a
lot, but I should've had more.
I think I'm ready for
this test to be over.
Soon.
I'm ready.
I've done a lot of
bad things in my life.
I've been mean and selfish.
I've been married four times.
Three times for the money.
But I'm done with all that.
I believe in you now.
Save me, God.
- Use your superpower and save me.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm not God.
But I saw what you can do.
Genesis does not work like that.
- Use your power and save me.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Save me, God.
You promised I wouldn't die!
Please save me!
- Promised!
- Do not die.
Live.
Live.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, the power.
You... You lied.
- Jesus.
- It's a trap.
There are soldiers with guns
and they're waiting for you.
Waiting's over.
My child, this is madness.
Please. Let's find another way.
I don't know any other way.
Worship me.
What?
Kneel.
Jesus.
Come on! What's the holdup?
Excuse us, your Grace.
Some of us have jobs.
On your feet! Let's go!
Hey. What happened?
Prisoner. He's gone.
What do you think happened here?
He got himself out.
So... what do you do now?
Get outta here, go find Cass.
He's probably half
wasted somewhere already.
Then what?
Then...
Whatever the hell I want.
Can I come?
When the perishable must clothe
itself with the imperishable,
and the mortal with immortality,
then the saying that
was written comes true...
"Death has been swallowed up in victory.
Where, O, death, is your victory?
Where, O, death, is your sting?"
You know what?
You're an asshole.
I could get in real trouble here, sir.
Luger.
Okay, you got five minutes.
Mein Gott.
Look at you.
They say you have a talent, My Lord.
But I would like to
see it for myself, ja?
Huh?
Now...
Let's start with a bouncy one, shall we?
Ja?
Ein, zwei, ein, zwei, drei, vier!
_
_
_
Okay.
So...
_
Crikey!
Did you just crawl through
the center of the Earth, mate?
I would've thought
that was physically...
I had him dead to rights!
But you didn't want him
dead to rights, Herr Starr.
You wanted to make him suffer.
Yes?
So...
let's make him suffer.
I want to carve a vagina onto his head.
I think that falls under
the category of "suffering."
A vagina!
All due respect, My Lord.
But what is it that you want?
Yeah.
The great question of the universe...
Well, for one thing, what I want...
is to know how my Child is doing.
Jesus is expected soon.
He is representing Heaven
at the conference...
Not him. The other one.
The funny one.
The one you call... "Humperdoo."
Oh, yes.
Well...
that's a nickname,
a term of affection...
How is he?
Thriving under your care, I trust.
Good.
I saw him just this morning.
High spirits as always.
Good.
God, I love that kid.
Yes, he's, uh... something else.
He's integral.
To all of it. To everything.
Yes, of course.
Do your part, Allfather,
and you will earn your
long-lost reward...
♪ Mm, hmm ♪
♪ Ah, nah, nah nah ♪
♪ Ah, ha, mm, hmm ♪
♪ Ba, ba, ah, ha ♪
Visage pristinus.
Handsome and unsullied.
That's what you want, yes?
Your looks back.
We're going to carve a vagina...
into Jesse Custer's soul.
His soul?
Have faith, Allfather.
My Great Design is at work,
and it's going to be beautiful.
This is your captain speaking.
Looks like we've hit a rough patch
or something.
Please fasten your seat
belts and try to remain calm.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Well, that was lucky.
That the best you got?
"Do you know what you look like to me,
with your good bag and your cheap shoes?
You look like a rube."
You're in a new mood.
Yeah, well, nothin' like a
nice walk to lift the spirits.
Or a roll, if you will.
Vampire coming up. Three minutes.
Copy that.
- Hold, please.
- What's this?
Emissary just arrived.
No shit. Which one?
Heaven or Hell?
Shit.
Not Heaven.
Did you see... Should've
taken a picture.
Hoo, boy, eh?
Goose pimples, right?
Now, listen. Now, that is true evil.
Not some make-believe
Chianti-cannibal movie shrink
who's supposed to be scary
'cause he can "get into your mind."
Nah, old Adolf, when he
wanted to get in your mind,
he just cracked your
skull open and took it.
Am I right?
Oh, what's this shit now?
Yo!
Hey!
Where they at?
- Who?
- Who. Ah, you're funny.
Where'd they go?
Oh, you mean the guard fellas?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I killed them.
Did you now? With
what? Your smart mouth?
I picked the lock with an angel feather,
then I snapped their necks
before they had a chance to scream.
Let me tell you, get your funny out now.
'Cause when we get to Bensonhurst?
Ain't nobody gonna be laughing.
Oh, shit!
Where you goin', Frankie?
What are you doin'?
No! Come on! Not like this!
Not like this! Not like this!
No! No!
Noooooo!
- Oh-ho!
- This ain't right.
Frankie, Frankie, Frankie, listen to me.
Frank! Settle down.
The lambs are about to stop screamin'.
Huh?
Sorry for the holdup there, gents.
Vampire comin' up in three minutes.
Buddy, we're dead!
We're not going to die! Trust me!
Hitler was wrong!
What?!
Hitler was wrong!
We just survived the plane
crash without a scratch!
It's a miracle!
You think now an itsy-bitsy
little bit of rain
is gonna stop us?
- No, sorry!
- We're lost at sea!
Unregistered flight, no
transponders, no instruments.
Compared to a West Texas thunderstorm,
this ain't nothin'!
We just gotta stay positive.
Oh, man.
What's the point? We're
just gonna die anyway.
We're gonna get to
Australia, one way or another,
so cut your whining!
And be positive!
You're right!
Then what the heck are
we gabbing here for, huh?!
Let's bail!
You just gonna sit there
shampooing your hair,
or you gonna toss some water?
- Christ!
- Attention, rail personnel,
the incapacitating pressure point class
is starting in five minutes.
Where is she?
She who?
You know who. Tulip.
Well, I've known a
few Tulips in my time.
And a handful of Daisys
and a single Rose.
Which Tulip might you be lookin' for?
The stupid one.
She blew off her boyfriend
and came back here.
I'm bettin' for no good reason
than to save your bony ass.
Why would she do that?
Like I said, she's really stupid.
You're right.
She's super stupid.
But I haven't seen her.
You, mop up Frankie.
The rest of you, let's
get him back downstairs.
Rail personnel, any harvesting teams,
you have a 20-minute window
to retrieve your organs.
You.
Come with me.
Make sure those are tight.
Don't want our bait
wriggling off the hook.
You call this tight?
I can still feel me fingers, boys.
Ah.
Not for long.
Now we wait.
So, how was Bensonhurst?
I can't believe she came back for me.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Wait. Who?
- Tulip.
- Oh, blessed girl.
Oh. Never doubted her.
'Course she came back.
And she's gonna keep comin' back.
What's the problem with that?
The Emissary requires a personal valet.
Mm-hmm.
You do not look him in the eye.
You do not speak to
him unless spoken to.
No selfies, no autographs.
Sir?
I just remembered.
I have a ton of work to
do down in the prison area,
and my supervisor's probably
freaking out as we speak.
How about I go down there
and sort all that out
and then come back to
the... Emissary Suite,
which sounds cool, by the way.
I just don't want to
abandon my duties, sir.
So, what do you think?
I think that for over 1,900 years,
Grail disciples have sacrificed,
preparing themselves for the rewards
that will be brought forth
by this summit between Heaven and Hell.
And by the man in this room.
For anyone to refuse the honor
of playing even the smallest
part in its apotheosis
would be so incomprehensible to
me that I could only explain it
as... treasonous.
Right.
Hmm.
Nice.
Don't talk, don't speak,
no selfies, and don't touch.
Yeah, you said that.
But if he touches you?
You should respond positively.
Hey.
Jesus.
Oh, it's not the doin', it's
the tryin', I always say.
Shut your hole, Birdman! Christ!
To be free as a bird. To
roost and preen and hunt.
Love bound to hatchlings
as I return again and again
with regurgitated insect scraps.
Shut your hole.
Fer like a minute. I dare ya.
No problem.
How long was that?
It was like six seconds.
Felt like forever.
Where's your girlfriend? She comin'?
She's not my girlfriend.
- Yeah, right.
- She isn't.
I can't believe she came back for me.
You almost goobered into
your galoshes, my man.
It's my mate's girlfriend.
Forbidden love? The best.
It's not love, you bastard, all right?
It... It's her pigheadedness.
They've got me.
She doesn't like it, so
she's comin' to get me.
And... And that's it. And they know it.
They know she's comin'.
When she does...
...well, they're gonna kill her.
That's a grievous turn of events.
Your forbidden love
wandering into a trap
like a mouse to the cheese...
a trap you're responsible for setting,
if we're being honest.
What to do? What to do?
I tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna break out of these,
and then I'm gonna kill you.
Oh.
Yeah.
Would you look at that sun?
93 million miles away,
and you can still feel it.
Yep.
That's gonna work.
Hoo boy!
It's a good thing you
told me not to bring pants.
My legs can really feel it now.
Jesus.
Where's that first-aid kit?
Yeah, first aid would be great.
An aspirin or... or a
shot of morphine, maybe,
or even a bone saw would be welcome.
Or you know what we could do?
We could... We catch some fish and...
and just fry them up on my thighs.
Let me think.
You know what? That's a good idea.
Now, thinking is like
the answer to everything.
- Could you be quiet?
- Good idea.
Yeah. Let's, uh...
Let's just take in the silence...
the sweet serenity of the sea.
Stop being positive!
Oh, my God!
Oh! Holy...
Oh, son of a...
Feel no pain!
That's so cool.
We're maybe gonna die out here, huh?
No, we're not gonna die.
Listen to me.
What's your name?
- Steve.
- Steve.
All right, Steve, well...
you know, this whole thing,
your legs, the plane crash,
it's all just a test from God.
Like the prophets of old.
He doesn't want to kill us.
He just wants to see what we're made of.
And we're gonna show Him. Okay?
What if I don't believe in God?
Well, I wouldn't blame you for that.
You don't need to believe in Him.
Just believe in me.
Okay.
I mean, you got us this far, right?
You're to be my valet.
Yeah. Uh...
Thing is, uh, I don't
really know a whole lot
about, um, valet-ing, but he
said they're short staffed...
well, we're short staffed, The Grail is.
Yeah, I'm... I'm to be it.
I will be valet-ing you.
What's your name?
Marnie. Pomerantz.
I'm Jesus Christ.
W-What?
Marnie. You're in trouble.
Uh, do you mind?
Oh. Yeah.
Allfather.
Your Grace.
Masada is at your disposal.
Food court, gym, steam, sauna.
There's a chapel... somewhere.
Your counterpart from
Hell has also just arrived.
- I imagine...
- Allfather...
your ear.
It looks like...
Nothing to concern yourself about.
Surgeon assures me it's on the mend.
Ah.
Well. If there's nothing else?
You're a most gracious host, Allfather.
Do I know you?
No. Sir.
Your face is familiar.
Uh...
Maybe you've, uh... Maybe
you've seen me in the food court.
No.
I know you.
Allfather.
When do I get to meet my Child?
My descendent. Flesh of my flesh.
I hear he's quite a dancer.
Oh, indeed.
Fear not, your Grace.
When the time is right,
I'm certain you will have
a glorious introduction.
Until then, your Grace.
See?
You are in trouble.
Jesus is asking after "his Child."
Oh.
How are we progressing
with the clone replacement?
Of course we don't even
have an air date yet,
but would he be presentable?
No one can know we lost
him. Understand? No one!
Of course.
I'll make sure the replacement
is ready if need be.
Something else on your mind, sir?
No.
Permission to speak freely, sir.
I can't help but notice a certain...
languidness in you as of late, sir.
As your sworn confidante, I
would be remiss in my duties
to not remind you that,
despite these recent setbacks,
you are still the sole
and sovereign Allfather.
The full force of The
Grail at your disposal.
The world at your fingertips.
And from where I stand,
while things may seem at their darkest,
in my humble opinion, you
are, in fact, sitting pretty.
Presentation packet on your desk, sir.
I'll leave you to it.
Sitting pretty.
Make sure you tie off the knot.
Ah.
Then...
...make the backstay tight.
Ah.
All we need now is some wind.
Ha ha!
Oh-ho.
Where the hell'd you
learn how to do that?
Girl I know. She's good
at this kind of thing.
Damn.
Ah, this is nothin'.
I once saw her build a land mine
out of a lawnmower and root beer.
Yeah?
All I need is a woman who
knows how to iron a dress shirt
- and I'll marry her.
- Oh, shit. Your arm!
My... My hand.
When it was dangling in the
water, a shark must've...
How'd I not feel it?
'Cause I told you not to.
That's better.
I mean, it looks like
it should really hurt.
Hey.
Here's the plan.
We're gonna sail to
that beach in Australia.
We're gonna get a bunch of
beers, a couple of nice steaks.
We're gonna sit in the sun, and
we're gonna get you fixed up.
That is the plan, right?
Oh, you son of a bitch!
I see what you're doin'.
This is between me and you! Not him!
He's gonna die out here
unless you cut this shit
and do somethin' right now!
What'd He say?
He said, "Soon."
Oh, good.
Sooner is probably better than later.
Sorry I lied before.
You seem like a super-nice person.
Obviously.
Well, you seem like a
nice person, too, Marnie.
Actually, my name's Tulip.
I lied about that, too.
I'm sorry.
I see.
Look...
I didn't mean to get you involved
in all my sh... my stuff.
So, I'm... I'm just
gonna get outta here.
To your friend?
Uh-huh.
The one who's in trouble?
Maybe I can help you?
Oh, uh...
That's, like, really cool
of you, Jesus, but, um...
What is it, my child?
You don't think that I can help?
This isn't a turn-the-other-cheek
kind of thing.
Okay? This is a jailbreak.
Things are gonna get ugly.
They're gonna get violent.
Possibly deadly.
Oh, my.
Yeah.
So, no, I don't think you can help.
We'll see.
I need to go to the bathroom.
- Shh!
- Shh!
I'm sorry. I really need to go.
- Shh!
- Shh!
- Shh!
- Chill.
Shut up, man. She'll kill you.
If I knew we were gonna
be here this long...
Unh!
Idiot.
What'd I tell you?
Okay. I went in my pants.
Shh!
Jesus?
Jesus.
What a pleasant
surprise. Can we help you?
I'm here to bless the prisoners.
Prisoners?
This is the dungeon, yes?
You must have prisoners.
This is a dungeon, my
lord. Masada has many.
In fact, there's one in the North Wing.
Mormons and pederasts.
They'll be thrilled.
I'll have someone show you the way.
I want to bless the prisoners here.
This... is just a training area.
There are no prisoners here.
I said shut up!
I'm sorry. I can't let you in.
You can do anything you want, my child.
Scale mountains, cross oceans,
crawl through the eye of a needle.
You can live forever.
All you have to do is make way for me.
Jesus.
It's not gonna happen.
What?
It didn't work.
Oh, there you go.
Come on! That's it!
Pop goes the weasel.
Aah!
Aah!
You could have just untied me.
Yaaah!
Lung cancer heart disease,
being stabbed to death as
I sleep by an angry ex-wife.
That's how I thought I'd...
But not in a raft...
with no hand and no pants.
I came out of a blackout
once with no pants on.
Being chased by the Rodriguez Brothers.
I promise you, I'd take
this situation every day.
I should've had more sex with strangers.
I mean, I had sex with a
lot, but I should've had more.
I think I'm ready for
this test to be over.
Soon.
I'm ready.
I've done a lot of
bad things in my life.
I've been mean and selfish.
I've been married four times.
Three times for the money.
But I'm done with all that.
I believe in you now.
Save me, God.
- Use your superpower and save me.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm not God.
But I saw what you can do.
Genesis does not work like that.
- Use your power and save me.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Save me, God.
You promised I wouldn't die!
Please save me!
- Promised!
- Do not die.
Live.
Live.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, the power.
You... You lied.
- Jesus.
- It's a trap.
There are soldiers with guns
and they're waiting for you.
Waiting's over.
My child, this is madness.
Please. Let's find another way.
I don't know any other way.
Worship me.
What?
Kneel.
Jesus.
Come on! What's the holdup?
Excuse us, your Grace.
Some of us have jobs.
On your feet! Let's go!
Hey. What happened?
Prisoner. He's gone.
What do you think happened here?
He got himself out.
So... what do you do now?
Get outta here, go find Cass.
He's probably half
wasted somewhere already.
Then what?
Then...
Whatever the hell I want.
Can I come?
When the perishable must clothe
itself with the imperishable,
and the mortal with immortality,
then the saying that
was written comes true...
"Death has been swallowed up in victory.
Where, O, death, is your victory?
Where, O, death, is your sting?"
You know what?
You're an asshole.
I could get in real trouble here, sir.
Luger.
Okay, you got five minutes.
Mein Gott.
Look at you.
They say you have a talent, My Lord.
But I would like to
see it for myself, ja?
Huh?
Now...
Let's start with a bouncy one, shall we?
Ja?
Ein, zwei, ein, zwei, drei, vier!
_
_
_
Okay.
So...
_
Crikey!
Did you just crawl through
the center of the Earth, mate?
I would've thought
that was physically...