Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 6, Episode 1 - Pickathon - full transcript

Are you going to Pickathon?

Definitely.

Me and Anne might do
the whole weekend.

That's a music festival,
right?

It's like, uh,
camping and everything.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

But there are hotels nearby,
so...

Yeah, I haven't missed a year
since it started.

Are you and Michelle
gonna go?

- You guys should go.
- Oh...

I mean, you know who's
headlining, right?



together: Flaming Lips!

That's great.

Okay, that's exciting.

I mean, we'd have to
get there early.

Yeah, to see some of the
bands. And then kind of late

to see some of the other ones.
It's like a full day.

It's supposed to be
100 degrees.

Mm-hmm.

And 100%
sand in your mouth.

- Look at the cheapest price.
- So expensive.

Yeah, but I don't
want to miss out,

you know what
I'm saying, like--

I know, and everyone's
gonna be talking about it,

and we're gonna have to
watch everyone's



Instagram photos
and Twitter...

That's all porta-potties
right there.

The smell situation,
the small talk situation.

How many festivals
are we gonna go to?

- This is never gonna end.
- That sounds terrible.

It's uncivilized.

- Let's not go, I-- I just--
- Let's just skip it.

- I can't this year.
- Let's just forget it.

Yeah.
Oh, well.

What's that ad?

If you're over 40,
and you often

go to huge music festivals,

you may have found that they're
actually not that fun.

- That's us.
- Yeah.

Standing all day, the heat,
the crowds

What if I told you
you could be at a concert

and sit down.

To solve this problem, we're
introducing the first phase

in virtual participation
using drones.

Wow, new technology.

You Had To Be There--

The Absentee
Concertgoer Experience.

We wanted to create something
beautiful,

functional, and durable.

And something that lives
comfortably in your living room,

and we did it.

It was hard,
but we're pretty good.

And here's the kicker--
when the show is over,

you get a certificate signed by
the festival organizer

saying that you attended
the show.

Let us bring the concert
to you.

I mean, it does seem like
a better solution

than actually going.

[horn beeps]

- Hey!
- Hi.

- Hi.
- How are you?

- Excited?
- Yes.

- Good to see you.
- Oh, hi.

I'm so excited
for this festival.

Me too.

My boss is being
such an asshole.

Okay, well,
this is our ladycation.

- Yeah.
both: - Boy crazy.

[laughing]

Well, I like the theme.
I got the email.

I got the reference pictures,
feathers...

Yeah, it's gonna be a whole
feather thing, I mean,

- Okay.
- Not too over-the-top,

but let me just try this little
head... piece.

Oh, yeah.
This is great.

Mm-kay.
Boy crazy, I can do that.

- Boy crazy.
- Okay.

Well, last year we did
horseback riding.

- But this year music fest, so...
- Yeah.

- Ladycation!
- Ladycation!

And... boy crazy.

Yeah.
It's about the music first.

Okay.

Sort of like last year
it was about the horses first.

Yeah, I mean, last year
you got crazy with the horses.

I was horse crazy.

- But this year...
both: - Boy crazy.

- Boy crazy.
- Boy crazy!

When should we change
into the outfits?

I don't know; maybe let's go
to a rest stop,

get some snacks, and change.

Okay.

- Boy crazy!
- I can do it.

Okay, ladycation starts now.

I hope you waxed.

What?

[Washed Out's
"Feel It All Around" playing]

- [applause]
- Thank you, Pickathon!

So he tries to get in
with a blue laminate,

I'm like, "You're not
allowed back here."

Excuse me, hi, we're here
to check in.

How many people are with you,
and what band are you in?

- Uh, we have seven of us.
- Okay.

And we're More Flaming Lips.

Flaming Lips, yeah.
The Flaming Lips, that'd be us.

I'm sorry, who are you?

We're The Flaming Lips.

He's Wayne Coyne
of The Flaming Lips,

but we are
More Flaming Lips.

- Okay, I'm--
- Is this one band or two bands?

- Well, it used to be one.
- What's the name of your band?

- More Flaming Lips.
- What's the name of your band?

The Flaming Lips, featuring
Wayne Coyne,

and-- and I'm-- I'm Wayne Coyne,
so I mean, like, that's

Hey, David, I think we have
a double booking.

I just think in terms of
laminates and wristbands,

The Flaming Lips,
not Flaming Lips.

- We win.
- And-- and who's your band?

Who are these people?

This is The Flaming Lips
right here.

They graduated from

the Berklee School of Music,
you know what that is?

- Learning my chords.
- Yeah, I don't need a history--

We-- we don't need a history,
because we just want to

get the laminates to you guys.

And who is this guy?

Sean Davino is our new singer.

Hey, wait--

Hold on.

♪ do you realize? ♪

[whip cracks]

[applause]

- It's very passionate.
- Excellent.

Will you guys sort this out,
please?

Because this
is too confusing for us.

Yeah.

- We're journalists.
- We don't care--

Hi, I'm John Levinson.

I represent
The Flaming Lips.

Both versions
of The Flaming Lips, I--

Hey, David, yeah, their
lawyer's here.

Someone bungled this thing.

Helen bungled it.
She's been let go.

We're going to
work this out internally.

- Great.
- Maybe in the shade.

It's hot out here.
I've had a bad nap.

Okay, we'll give you
the laminates.

Yeah.

And here's your
personal helmet.

- Wow.
- Ha!

It's a lot lighter
than I though it would be.

Yeah.

Oh, and, uh,
these will be you.

- Whoo!
- It's gonna be insane!

How close can we get
to the band?

Can we just go right up
to the front?

Hover above the front row,
yeah.

- Why not?
- I already feel relaxed, just--

- No crowds.
- No lines.

If anything happens to these,

your address is printed
right on the drone.

If anyone finds it, they'll
bring it right back here

and give it back to you.

Huh.

- Here's your beers.
- Look at this!

Wow, we're really
at a festival.

Oh, sure.
Oh! before I forget...

You're gonna love it, you're
gonna go,

"Ooh, that little detail."
Ah.

Now our house smells
like a porta-potty.

- Right?
- Oh yeah.

You like that?

Here's your laminates.

Oh, man, I wish I was going.

Oh, you're not going?

Yeah, I'm going.
I'm going.

Um, but I just learned
that the customers

really like to hear that.

But are you going going?

Or not going, but going?

The whole drone thing, uh,
makes me nauseous.

Should I take a Dramamine?

If you get nauseous while
you're wearing this,

throw up!

That's part of the experience.

What are the FAA regulations
with this?

- I mean--
- Shh, no.

No, don't worry about that.

About what?
I--

- About the FAA.
- Why's that?

'Cause it's very easy to down
a plane with one of these.

- Don't worry!
- All right.

- [cuckoo clock chimes]
- Yeah.

- Let's go.
- Okay.

All right.

We're gonna go to
the concert, right?

- Right, see you there.
- All right.

- To the festival!
- Let's see some music!

Whoo!

- Whoa.
- Are you okay?

- What?
- Are you okay?

Are you ready?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Well, have a great time!
Fly!

Well, you continue
to look amazing.

Thanks, babybird.

Did you clock that
construction worker?

I did not clock that
construction worker,

and I'm not wasting this outfit
on that guy.

Yeah, but seriously,
guys who work with their hands

can be pretty great,
you know what I mean?

Yeah, but still.
I didn't not tan for that--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're seeing that?

Top bun?

[ethereal whisper]
Top bun.

[moans]
How could I miss it?

- It's substantial.
- It's confident.

- It's beautiful.
- He's hot.

- Is he looking at us?
- I wish I could tell,

I just did not bring my glasses.
That was a big mistake.

I think we should
bite our lips.

- Okay.
- [rubbery creak]

Wait.
How are you doing it?

The right way.

[rubbery creak]

Okay, you're using
way too much teeth.

- Is it like this?
- [rubbery creak]

Yeah, I'd go with
the second one, for sure.

Oh, God.

[sighs]
I feel boy crazy.

Oh, my God, me too.

But I'm really feeling it.

Do you think I'm boy crazy?

Yeah.
Do you think I'm boy crazy?

I do.
I am. I am.

- I am boy crazy.
- No, you are boy crazy.

Do you think he's going
to the festival?

We got to find out.

This is the guy.

[moans]

[lion roar]

Peanuts?

- They're leaving.
- Where are they going?

- We have to follow them.
- Okay.

- Ahh!
- Ah-ha-ha-ha!

- Whoa.
- This is inceredible. My body feels like

it's floating!
So, we don't need to follow

the highways. Let's just go
right there.

Okay.

Go left. Up.
Up, up, up, up.

- Do your shoulders hurt?
- It's making me a little dizzy.

I'm just gonna be honest.

- Oh, my God, look at this line.
- Oh, boy.

All right,
well, I guess

we'll just get
in the back of the--

Oh, no no, we don't have to!
We can go over!

Right.
Ha-ha!

It's called the future
and modernism.

Hi, sorry.

We're wearing a
Flaming Lips shirt.

I've got mine too.
Mine's black.

Number one fan
since the early days.

Hey, look at that!
There's a band.

They are just jammed in there.

These people
are already waiting

at the front of the stage.

They're gonna have to
keep that spot all day

- in order to see the band.
- [laughs]

Yeah! We love you!
Get lost!

- Oh no, what's going on?
- Ah, someone here got mad.

Get out of here!

- Come on, let's go this way.
- Okay.

So it seems like our best bet
is that one band plays

and then the other band plays.

We can all agree on that?

First of all,
it's important to remember

we're all sitting on haystacks;
everyone is happy.

They're willing
to have you go first.

If you go first,
do you think you can pretend

to be excited that Wayne
is coming on second?

Great news, they said they'll go
first if you'll continually

thank them during your set,

and you got to trumpet them,
will you trumpet them?

[bells jingle]

They say you can perform
"Do You Realize"

to your heart's content.

You can't sing the chorus.

I think he's
afraid of you, Sean.

I think he knows you're good.
There's a positive in there.

- Wayne thinks you're good.
- No.

If you do anything from the
second album,

- no full songs, only medleys.
- No.

They said no-- uh-- want me to
go back on that?

What if we kissed a third band
into the deal?

That's a no.

He's asking that you guys
open with "Louie Louie."

No.

Someone's got to
get up there to sing.

Pass.

I feel like I'm negotiating
with myself, guys.

Are we going to try
to save this deal?

[sighs]
Oh, Sean.

Where is Top Bun?

Okay, Laura, I don't see him,
actually.

We'll find him!

How could you lose him?

- We didn't lose him.
- Look, do you want to go back

- to the gas station and--
- Wait.

- What?
- Look at that couple.

- Where?
- Over there.

Aw, that's so sweet.
Look at that.

She doesn't seem to mind
his weird little pink arms.

Yeah, that's the best
vantage point, it's like,

being up on someone's shoulders,
you can see everything,

but you're with the person
you love.

So close to them.

[sighs]

I got to ride
on Top Bun's shoulders.

[moans]

Oh, my God,
that would be so cool.

Remember that French guy
I dated?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
with the croissants.

Wait.
There's Top Bun!

- Oh, my gosh, he has a conga.
- [gasps]

It's so dumb that it's cool.
It's sexy.

Yeah, it's like he doesn't
even care about anything.

It's making me boy crazy.

We can't afford
to lose him again.

Okay, I am behind you
every step of the way.

And I will be behind him
every step of his way.

- Go. Go, go, go, go!
- Go!

We're gonna go?

- Load schedule.
- [beeping]

Coachella from last year, no.

Load current schedule.

Oh, wait. Okay.
What about Peaches?

She's on in, like, 15.

Let's go see Refused first,
then come back for Peaches.

- Okay, okay.
- Isn't it this way?

- Um, that's the wrong way.
- I'm gonna go up above everyone

just for one second,
and then I'll see.

- Okay.
- Wha-aah!

Nice, easy.
Okay, so, it's just this way.

- Uh, we're gonna miss Peaches.
- Okay, okay.

- Step on it.
- All right, let's go.

Faster.

I'm gonna destroy that bun.

Oh, yeah, I want that bun.

Hot Bun.

How boy crazy am I
right now?

You seem
really boy crazy.

I want to be on the bottom
of that top bun.

- What's up, brother?
- [hands slap]

This is our time
to make our move.

[sighs]

All right,
what do we want to do?

I mean, I guess we just...

What's the game plan?
Is it me or you?

It's us! Look, we said we were
gonna have a killer weekend.

Are we gonna do this,
or what?

- Yeah!
- Yes, this is good.

All right,
we got some speed here.

These things go fast.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay, but if it comes down
to it, you're fine to watch us.

- Fine. Yes.
- Okay, good.

- Ah!
- Oh, no.

Ohh...

- He lost it.
- Oh, he needs it back.

Yeah. We got to give it back
to him. Ugh.

- Smell it, quick.
- I can't.

The Flaming Lips!

- We got to find him.
- Oh, no!

- We have to get him?
- Oh no, where is he?

- He's here.
- Recognize him?

[indistinct yelling]

You're not Top Bun!

I think I hit somebody.

Shit.

Don't forget your
meal tickets.

I think I made it worse.

The Flaming Lips
won't be appearing.

Why won't they
go on stage?

We can't relitigate the
conversations I just had.

It blew up, they're angry
at each other,

it was partially my fault.

When we sold passes
to this festival,

we sold them with the idea

that The Flaming Lips would be
headlining the second night.

Do you guys have
any suggestions?

Do you have a contract?

No, I know there's a contract,
The Flaming Lips have never

violated a contract,
I wrote the contract.

We need to hear those songs,
otherwise, not only are we

not gonna pay you,
we're gonna sue you.

- [gulps]
- We have two Flaming Lip bands.

- And then now we've got zero?
- Yes.

How do we go
from two to zero?

And soon
there's gonna be three,

because Sean is dynamite.

Get your band on stage.

It's not working.

All right, so you're
telling me to my face

that there's gonna be no
Flaming Lips on stage?

Just tell me right now.
Say that.

Hey, David, I want you
to listen in--

D-- No no, David
doesn't need to come down.

Dave, you want to
come down here?

No, I'm trying to
work this out, okay?

The Flaming Lips are
supposed to perform live.

David, he's saying--
[repeating John quietly]

both: All the guys
had a big fight.

both: What would
make David happy?

What would make David happy is
what would make the crowd happy.

We want some Flaming Lips
up there.

For The Flaming Lips to
appear, it would have to be

credibly, someone who is

associated with
The Flaming Lips.

We want to hear that music.
I don't care who sings it.

Okay, The Flaming Lips are
getting on stage.

- Great.
- Great.

The Flaming Lips will be
appearing tonight.

Well, that's what
I need to hear.

Cool. That's all
we need to know.

Come on.

All right, so
main stage is there,

I think Flaming Lips
are playing soon.

Brendan, there's a campsite
over this way,

- let's just cut through.
- Okay, main stage bound?

Let's go.

Oh, man, I love choppin' wood.

This is gonna be so much fun,

I can't wait to see
The Flaming Lips, yeah!

So they spend the whole
weekend here?

Yeah.

I... hate camping,
especially at a festival.

What the hell is that?

Wow, this is cool.

[loud smack, thud]

- Whoa!
- Hey.

See me knock that drone down?

[scoffs]
Out of the sky.

- Sir, excuse me?
- Holy crap, this thing speaks?

What's your problem, man?
What, do you got a problem?

You're just, like,
some sort of problem guy?

Huh, you a tough guy?

- Yeah, I'm a tough guy.
- Yeah.

What are you, some sort of...

nerd sitting at home
with your drone?

- What's up, you want to fight?
- Brendan, I-- I don't know.

- You're just a little drone.
- You think I'm not scared

- of you, man?
- I'm gonna seriously

kick your ass.

- What's up, man?
- Bring it!

- You want a little piece?
- Yeah, I want it.

I don't want a piece.
I want the whole damn thing!

- I'll get you, man.
- Come on!

- [screaming]
- Yeah!

- Come on.
- Take that. Uh.

[screaming]

I can help you.
I just need to power this up.

- Ugh!
- [screaming]

Power on.

Ah, nice floatercycle,
buddy...

Yah!

Hi-yah!
Ha!

[motorcycle thudding]

- Yes!
- [laughing]

You guys see that thing?
It cut my face all up!

So mad.
Gonna kill that--

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

[rattling]

Ugh!

There's an address!

[screams]

What happened?

I don't have
any signal anymore.

Damn!

- Uh...
- Let me connect you to me.

We'll just go on one.

Okay.

Hold on.
Ow.

- [beeping]
- Ha!

- Can you see?
- Yeah.

Let's get out of here.

[tough guy screaming]

Oh, my God!

Make sure the Lips don't start
without me, you guys.

[engine revving]

There, there, there,
I see him.

- Which one?
- I see him.

- Oh, stripes.
- In the stripes.

- Excuse me. Hi.
- Oh, no... there!

- Ah...
- This guy, this guy!

No. Oh, my God, look,
there are those biceps.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's me!

Oh, Laura.

- Look at us!
- You like this spot?

Yeah, just like Ron said,

we have front row seats.

The band
you've been waiting for...

The Flaming Lips!

- Whoo!
- [crowd cheering]

- Wait a minute?
- Who's that?

Hello, I am the lawyer
for The Flaming Lips.

I'm the only one who is legally
allowed to sing this song,

I apologize.
Hit it.

[The Flaming Lips'
"Do You Realize"]

♪ ♪

♪ do you realize ♪

Here comes Billy!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

This is so depressing.

I'm, like,
totally boy crazy.

There's no boys.

[scoffs]
What's the point?

Plus, I'm, like, melting.

No, you're molting.

- Either way.
- Well, let's just go home.

You sure?

You really want to
go home and miss it?

They sound good...

♪ realize ♪

But let's just go.

- Babybird?
- Yeah?

Babybird, babybird.

Oh, my gosh, it's Top Bun man.

[sighs]

- Let's go.
- [bird squawks]

♪ beautiful face ♪

I don't know
what this is.

How do I turn my volume down
on this thing?

Yee.
Eesh.

This is awful.

[knocking]

What is that?

[knocking continues]

Hold on.

Hello?

[screams]

Michelle!

Michelle, call the police!

Come here. Do you see my face?
It cut my face.

Sorry.
I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry!
- You're coming with me.

Michelle!
Take your helmet off!

♪ you have the most... ♪

I'm sorry!

You're coming with me
to the toilet, come on.

I'm sorry!
Aah!

♪ face... ♪

♪ do you realize? ♪

This is bullshit.
This is bullshit.

You know he's charging us
for this.

Hey, he's not charging us.
You're paying for this.

What is this?
What is this all about?

- That Billboard party.
- Well--

- Remember that?
- I-- I think so.

- I thought it was cool, what?
- Okay...

You didn't introduce me
to Sean Penn.

You guys were standing there
in the hallway

talking, laughing...

I mean, you know
how much I love "Colors,"

and, "At Close Range," and...

I mean, we saw
"Dead Man Walking"

opening night.

"Milk," and
"Fast Times at Ridgemont High,"

I do.

I mean, I love him
as much as you.

Sean Penn is in my top three
favorite living actors.

- Oh, he is great.
- Oh, yeah. "Razor's Edge"?

Oh, yeah.

I'm walking up to him,
he's blowing me off.

What is this?
What are we gonna do?

What-- this is--

I can't believe
he's doing that.

[stammers]

Why don't we be the ones...

playing for...

Want to get
back up there?

- Together?
- Why don't we?

- All right. Cool.
- Here we go.

[bird squawk]

Hi.

So you having fun?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Lose something?
- My bun!

[giggles]
Yeah.

Please.

Uh...

We both found it,
by the way.

We did.
We both found it.

Mostly I carried it.

Thank you.

Anything else you
need help with?

- Jesus.
- What?

I'm here to see
The Flaming Lips.

- We are too.
- Yeah?

Oh, yeah, we see 'em
all the time.

♪ you realize
the Sun doesn't come down ♪

[cheers and applause]

Oh, thank God.

Thank you, everybody.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

Brendan, hurry back,
it's the Lips.

I'd like to thank you
for finding my bun,

and offer you a ride
on my shoulders

to watch The Flaming Lips.

♪ do you realize ♪

[choking]

I can't believe you cut me
in the face with a drone!

Brendan,
The Flaming Lips are on.

Should we go check it out?

- Yeah, I guess so.
- Yeah yeah yeah.

- Man, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, yeah, it's all right.

No way!

- You ready?
- Oh, it's scary!

- How do you feel?
- Safe.

♪ happiness ♪

♪ makes you cry ♪

♪ do you realize? ♪

♪ oh-whoa-oh ♪

[sniffling]

♪ that everyone ♪

♪ you know
someday will die ♪

You're blocking my view.

♪ ♪

[bird squawking]

♪ and instead of saying
all of your good-byes ♪

Your hands feel bigger,

stronger.

♪ you realize
that life goes fast ♪

♪ it's hard to make
the good things last ♪

♪ you realize
the sun doesn't go down ♪

♪ it's just an illusion
caused ♪

♪ by the world spinning round ♪

♪ do you realize? ♪