Portlandia (2011–2018): Season 5, Episode 10 - Dead Pets - full transcript

- Hi! I'm Bryce Shivers.
- And I'm Lisa Eversman.

Do you want your living room
to look like this?

Yes.

Invest in a dead animal.

- Dead Pets.
- Dead Pets.

Dead Pets!

At our store, Dead Pets,

we have something for
the taxidermy lover of all ages.

Hey, Lisa.
Where's the towels?

- What?
- The hand towels.

Oh, my gosh.



I used one of the rabbits.

I'm really sorry
about the loss of your bird.

You should consider
using taxidermy.

So the transition
from dead animal to dead pet

is really all about stuffing.

Stuff, stuff, stuff.
Seal it up.

It's very much like sewing.

And I've sewn
my finger into the...

- You have?
- ...skull. Yeah.

I'm so sorry about your finger.

Oh, there we go.
It's fine.

Oh. Okay, great.

Dead Pets!

Not sleeping.
Not fake.



- Just dead.
- They're dead.

Dead Pets!

We are live at the scene
of a devastating fire.

To my left, the remains
of the local taxidermy shop

Dead Pets.

Firefighters worked
through the night,

but they were unable
to save the establishment.

I had just finished stuffing
a-- a beagle

that was hit by a car,

and now he's just
roaming the streets.

All of our merchandise is gone.

All the animals are missing.

Police suspect that arson
is the cause of this blaze,

but they don't
have any leads yet,

so the question now becomes,

whodunnit?

Who done the crime?

Dat we don't know.
Dat we would like to know.

Now back to you.

We have no evidence.
We have no leads.

What we do know is that
the public wants answers

now.

So let's round up the weirdos.

Weirdos, weirdos, weirdos.

I'm sure one of 'em did this
for some weird-ass reason.

To help us learn
what a weirdo is,

Special Agent Janice Weitz.

What is a weirdo?

Weirdo.

Is it somebody that studies
really hard and has no friends?

That is a dork.

Dork.

A weirdo has long
black, stringy hair.

We're talking about korn
with a backwards K.

Black eyeliner.
Black nail polish.

Why the black nail polish?

Black nail polish
is an indicator

of antisocial behavior.

And why'd you get
interested in this?

Why you?

I grew up with a father
as a weirdo.

He wore a cat in the hat hat
for almost every family photo

up until the age of five for me,

and though he transitioned
out of weirdohood,

I felt that I should go forth
and kind of teach people--

Weirdo.

Dude, are you
whispering something?

He's been whispering
the whole time.

Sorry, I'm not able
to hear that up here.

We're trying to listen,

so the more you whisper,
the more we can hear you.

Okay, let's get out there.

Let's round up those weirdos.

Steve, why don't you show us

that composite sketch
you drew up there?

Weirdos.

Okay, ladies.

Your alarm system
is fully installed.

Oh, I feel safer already.
Thank you.

I mean, knowing those weirdos,

they probably
want to burn books.

Well, it's really simple.

All you got to do
is enter your code,

and then you have 60 seconds
to get out of the premises.

Otherwise,
the alarm will go off,

and you'll hear this.

- Turn that off!
- What is that sound?

- Just enter your code...
- What?

...to stop it.

Otherwise, the police
will be notified.

Isn't there a way that we
can record our own alarm sound?

Yeah, can you press record?

And I'll do,
"The police have been called,

so move and run
and get out of here!

I'm sure that your
economic situation

is different than ours,
but still.

That doesn't give you
an excuse!"

I don't think this has
the ability to record.

My body, my voice, my alarm,

my choice.

Okay.

Look.

I was just reading
about this online.

"Weirdos Rounded-Up."
Wow.

They got them, I guess.
You know, that's scary.

I heard the taxidermy shop
wasn't making money,

so they burned it down
to get insurance money.

- Their own people did?
- Yeah.

No, but they have
a love for what they do.

Why would they
burn down their own art?

I'm sure--

They take
the taxidermists' animals,

and they have
a satanic voodoo thing

going up in the West Hills
right now.

They're putting them in cages
and posing them

and charging admission
for people to come see them.

How do you know all this?

I just know a guy
up on the Hill.

It's Portland.

Huh.

- Weirdos.
- Weirdos.

Weirdos.

Times are changing,
and, you know,

I don't know what we're
gonna do about the next thing,

because we're gonna be
right there with them.

And I'm not, you know,
looking forward to that.

Okay.
Well, I will have a cappuccino.

Okay.

And cancel her cappuccino
and give us two americanos.

- You got it.
- Thanks.

Weirdos.

So what were you doing
on the night of August 12th?

We were making
a sculpture at school

with old baby dolls.

Weirdos.

I was at game stop
getting the new remasteredHalo.

I went to a Nine Inch Nails
cover band show,

Aggression.

And again,

what were you doing
on the night of August 12th?

Weirdos.

Anything?

What were you doing
on the 12th of August?

It's not about me.

It's about you.

- August?
- 12th.

By what calendar?

The modern calendar.

The whole month?

I mean, that's a long time.

We're just worried
about the 12th.

What were you doing
on the 12th of August?

_

The prime suspects await trial

in the latest twist
in the taxidermy fire.

Neighbors living
in the St. Johns neighborhood weighed in.

We're shocked.

We can't believe
that these people

would do something like that.

- Unbelievable.
- Like, what?

Good morning, Portland.

We begin this morning

with the latest
on the taxidermy fire.

What possessed two weirdos

to burn down
a local taxidermy shop?

As the trial approaches,
we turn now to a former weirdo

so we can look into the mind
of the weirdo.

Chad, you say you were
a weirdo for five years.

That's correct.

As a weirdo, were you
first-generation weirdo,

or did weirdoness
run in your family?

Most weirdos
are first-generation.

It's a rejection of the normals
they come from.

Did you find that women
were attracted to weirdos?

Weirdo women were attracted,
uh, to weirdos.

All right, well, welcome back
to the normal world.

- Thank you.
- You're very normal.

- We appreciate you.
- Oh, thanks.

Thank you very much.
It was great.

I mean, they're guilty, right?

Right?
We're in agreement?

Aside from look at them,

I mean, just look
at their actions.

- I mean, that's a real crime.
- Yeah.

These are people that are eating
very unhealthy food.

Yeah.
Mashed potatoes with sugar.

You know, they're listening
to scary music

and checking out, you know,
dark pathways on the internet,

and then they're
committing crimes.

Yeah.
No, these weirdos are just--

you know, these are--
these are mountain people.

One thing they're guilty of
is having terrible parents.

These parents are taxed,

and they're working
three or four jobs,

sometimes at night,

and these kids are left
to their own devices.

They would have a better shot
being raised by woes.

'Cause at least they'd have
a sense of family.

And what would you do
if you were in that situa--

If I had parents like that,

would I burn down a--
a store?

You better believe it.

I'd burn down the whole block.

I'd like to submit
some evidence in the case.

This is Brit, our daughter.

Beautiful.

That is a case
for good parenting.

And that's someone
who's gonna be,

I mean, con--
contributing to society.

She's looking into doing
Teach for America

in Atlanta next year.

Maybe some modeling too,
just to--

Or modeling on the side, but--

we raised her with hopes
and with dreams,

and we said,
"The world is your oyster,"

and she's just
grabbing it by the horns.

We got lucky.
We have a very good daughter.

This is a good person.

I'm just glad
that we raised Brit right.

Ugh!

I wonder what Satan's
parents were like.

- One question.
- Mr. Hirschfield.

What do you have to say

about the undeniable evidence
against your client?

No comment.

My sources tell me that
you're a former weirdo, sir.

Do you care to comment?

- No comment.
- Sir!

Okay, we'll start

with the opening statement
of the prosecution.

Look around the room.

If central casting provided us
with two weirdos,

it would be those two.

We don't have to prove
they're weird;

they've done it for us,
so obviously they're guilty.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Okay.

Short and sweet.

Let's hear from the defense.

The weirdo

has always been an outcast,

an outsider,

a social pariah,

and a scapegoat.

Being weird

is not a crime.

Oo-ahh! Oo-ahh!

Am I arrested?
No.

Weirdos are what made
this country

S-T-R-O-N-G.

"Weirdoes," E-I, E-I.

E-I-E-I-O.

Come on.

Benjamin Franklin was a weirdo.

Do normal people fly kites
with keys attached?

No.
Weirdos do.

Weirdos were the first people
to eat kale,

the first people
to try marijuana,

to write poems,

to fall in love.

I plan to prove
the innocence of these two

by proving their guilt.

Weirdos.

Yes, they are weirdos!

But weirdos should be
allowed to be weird

in peace.

The real perpetrator
of this crime--

Check, check,
one, two, two, two, two.

How's everybody doing today?

We want to confess
to this crime.

The weirdos didn't do it.
We did it!

It's-- it's a confession
from someone else.

From different weirdos?

Is it different weirdos
who are confessing?

Uh--

♪ we took
those animals from you ♪

♪ now they can rest in peace ♪

♪ we're fighting
for the rights of deer heads ♪

♪ and that's our press release ♪

♪ but give us credit,
not the blame ♪

♪ police don't
respect our actions ♪

♪ weirdos didn't
start the game ♪

♪ but we are
guilt-guilt-guilty ♪

♪ we did it!
we did it! ♪

I'm standing at the corner
of Southwest 4th and Salmon,

where we have masked musicians
on the rooftop

singing a confession.

They are singing,
"We did it, we did it,"

referring to the taxidermy fire.

They say they are responsible...

It's vindication
for the weirdos.

It wasn't the weirdos.

It appears this message
is political in nature.

They don't like taxidermy.

They feel it is offensive
to the dead animals,

that they should rest in peace.

Down with taxidermy.

♪ we did the crime,
not doing the time ♪

♪ we did it!
we did it! ♪

♪ let the weirdos free ♪

♪ and come after me ♪

♪ we did it!
we did it! ♪

♪ we didn't think this thing
all the way through ♪

♪ we did it ♪

Okay, let's close up.

I'm gonna set the alarm.

Okay.
I'll just get my bag.

Toni, don't move.
This device--

Just stay still
for a minute, okay?

- Candace.
- Yeah?

- Can I move my head?
- No!

This is a motion sensor.

Away and set.

60 seconds.

Great. Okay.

Sorry.

Where are you going?

Just a little allergic.

Just gonna bring one of these.

Candace, you know I have a box
of tissues on my dashboard.

Well, I know; I just would
like to use this one

so I'm not wasting yours.

I'll just use this one.

But you're always welcome
to borrow a tissue from me.

It won't even get out.

Candace.

There we go.

Are you ready?

Left is left, right is right,

fold it aside
and then it's a might.

No, left--
fold the tissue to the left--

- Candace.
- Hmm?

Are you ready?

Yes, because we should go,

because it's beeping.

- I agree.
- Okay.

Here we go.

- Okay.
- You want me to drive?

Yes, please.

Ahh!

- Get back! Get back!
- Who are you, ghouls?

What is this?
Who are you?

- The alarm.
- They won't let us out!

- Get this!
- Who are you?

What is this?

Get the alarm!

Who are you?
What do you want?

What's going on?
Help!

- Stop struggling!
- Ow.

No, I will not stop struggling!

Brandon, go turn off the alarm!

Toni, are you okay?

You're gonna pay
for this, you know.

Ow!

- Ouch!
- Sorry.

To the people in the bookstore,

this is the Portland Police.

We got you surrounded.

- Help!
- No! No!

What I'd like you to do

is just come on out
with your hands up

and listen to the officers'
instructions.

Now there's police.

Are you happy?

I'm live outside the
Women & Women First bookstore

on North Killingsworth.

Inside, two of the band members
who, on the rooftop,

admitted their guilt
to the taxidermy fire.

We are getting
some information about them.

The first suspect
is Brandon Sannders.

He has ties to Portland-area
ecoterrorist groups.

Also inside,
the second suspect is a woman,

Brit Whylder.

Two other suspects
are at large.

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well done, sir.
Well done, sir.

Protest, hello!

- Hold on. Hold on.
- What?

What's that?

- No, man!
- Okay...

Cops?

Why didn't we
think this through?

Why didn't you
think it through?

- You were like, "We'll be fine."
- Your idea.

- It's not my idea.
- Hide everything.

Great, this is how you are
in a crisis?

- Hi there.
- Hi.

Where we going today?

- Uh, we are--
- Just driving around.

We're just driving, you know,
checking out nature.

Just going through the highway
out to the nature.

Yeah.

- Over there to there.
- Yeah.

To visit nature.

Yeah.

May I see your license
and registration?

Sure, yeah.

Everything's up to date.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Y'all are both
a little shaky today.

I feel like I had
too much coffee.

Yeah, it's a pretty long drive.

Looks like your
registration's expiring soon.

Yeah, I told-- I even--

I said that to her before--
when we were leaving the house.

I was like, "You got to get
those tags-- expiring soon."

He did. He did.

So, uh, what have you got
in the back?

Um, like, mulch,
um, the--

manure.

The-- the--

the bird--
like, a chicken manure

and then, uh, like, a hoe--
like, gardening supplies.

- Chicken manure?
- And gardening supplies.

And gardening supplies.

I think I'll have a look,
if you don't mind.

Oh, what, the chicken manure
and the gardening supplies?

- Yeah.
- I could just describe it to you.

It's just, like, a mound,
and then there's a hoe,

and then there's
a small handheld rake

that's got the three prongs.

You mean like a pitchfork?

- It's a hand hoe.
- A hand hoe.

It's a hoe you hold
in your hand.

It's a hand hoe device.

Yeah, it's like, you see a hoe,

and you're like,
"I got to get my hand on that."

I'm gonna have a look
at the truck.

No, no, no.
I don't think you need to.

No, go ahead.

What?

I'm fine with it.

Just let her go.

Go ahead.

Uh...

All units, we have a hostage
situation at the bookstore.

3602, copy.

I got to go.
You guys take care.

- Thanks.
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, jeez.
- Go. Go. Go.

Jesus.

Oh. Oh.
Oh, my God.

Again, for the people
in the bookstore,

when this is all over,
you're going to get a choice--

Public defender,
which, you know--

or you may want to get
one of those fancy lawyers,

and you may get off pretty easy.

But we don't even
get to that part yet

until you come out

with your hands up.

Family. Unarmed.
We're family.

No threats whatsoever.
That's our daughter.

That's your daughter, you said?

Yes.

She's a good kid.
Put your guns down.

She's different
than everybody else.

She wanted to do, what,
Teach for America, right?

Teach for America.
That's a good organization.

Well, she's thinking about it.

- She thought about it.
- She-- Oh.

Look, let's call it a day.
We're all done.

Thanks, everyone.

Thanks, everyone, so much.

Engines on, guns down,

let's get out of here.

Thank you for your service.

Sir, we appreciate
your service.

You are part of the community.

You work so hard,
tireless hours.

We'll handle it from here.

We will yell at her.

I mean, I will
turn to her and go, like,

"Hey,
this house is not a playground!

"You want to play with your toys
and leave them around?

Nuh-uh, not in this house!"

I mean, I yell.

Here's the deal.
She's a kid.

She's going
through a bunch of stuff.

We've all gone through it.
She's made her point.

Let her go.
Just let her go.

- And, you know--
- I can't do that.

Ah.

I mean, do we even know
that she did it?

Yeah. We're pretty sure.

- I-- You know what?
- We know.

- We don't know.
- I did it!

_

Well, there you go.

No, cover your eyes, everybody.

Here, can I borrow this, please?

- Don't break it.
- I won't.

Hi, honey.

It's dad.

Hi, hon, I'm on too.
It's mom.

Your mom did
the funniest thing.

We were-- we were--
She said, "I'm looking for CNN.

I'm looking for CNN."

We were watching
the damn channel.

To be fair, I was not
wearing my glasses.

Uh--

Come on out, honey.
We love you. We're not mad.

And, uh, I guess we have
some talking to do.

Hon, you know,
maybe just get a plea deal

where you rat out your friend.

There is no shame
in ratting out others.

That's good.

In the history of crime,

people have always respected
people who ratted others out.

So come on out.

We're right here.

Whatever you need.

That's a girl.
That's a girl.

Keep your hands in the air!

Get 'em up!

Not that one. Come on!

- Go! Go! Go! Go!
- No, no.

- No. Wrong guy.
- Wrong--

That's not who we wanted
to come out.

We don't care about him.

No.

That's not who we wanted
to come out.

Honey.

Finally,

this animal can get
a nice, proper burial.

Young marmot,

little punk of nature,

we salute you.

Rest easy.

Make all the noise you want.
Steal all the food you want.

May you join
your little friends,

the three little chicks,

the ram,

the moose.

Never again will you be
behind a counter,

your head sitting over
an espresso machine,

while somebody reads
a Nicholas Sparks book.

I truly hope you'll never
have to see any wiring...

or stuffing again

and have people staring at you
and pointing at you

as if you had no soul.

Now get out of here
and run around.

Be free.

Be free.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Amen.

Okay, so, you guys,

I need you to go take the back.

There's a back entrance
over on 33rd.

If you have a clear shot,

take her out.

We did this.
This is our fault.

No, sir, ma'am, you're
in a dangerous area right now.

I'm gonna need you to move.

We take full responsibility
for our child's actions.

This is all us.
We gave her too much freedom.

We exposed her
to too much too early.

We let her choose
her own clothes

when she was two years old.

It's just-- it's not right.

You know, and we said,
"Hey, we're these '60s radicals.

You know, we're against
the Vietnam war.

We're protestors, you know,
like, right from Berkeley."

But that's not true.

We were Joe Cocker fans.

- We just liked blues, really.
- White, white blues.

Hendrix was actually--
it was way, way too loud.

I listened to half a song,
and I was like, "What is this?

Please turn it down."

It's all our fault.

We got away
from the simple parenting.

We over-coddled.

We over-loved.

We suffocated.

And now she's
getting into trouble,

and that's our fault.

Yeah, of course this happened.

Of course we're all here.

Of course you guys
have your guns drawn.

You know what?
Go ahead.

- Lock us up.
- Arrest us.

Take us.

It's our fault.

All right.

Let's go arrest them.

The parents of Brit Whylder,

Chris and Malcolm,

are now on trial
for arson, over-parenting,

and overindulging.

It turns out
it was not the weirdos.

It was the idiots.

With us now is Chad,
a former idiot.

Take us into the mind
of an idiot.

What is that like?

Well, you listen
to a lot of trance music.

Sure.

Make a lot of comments
on the internet,

usually with improper
grammar and spelling.

Did you feel your IQ shrink
during that time period?

I think it was always small.

Well, you certainly seem like
you have it all together now.

You seem perfectly normal to me.

Well, some people would say
I'm a douche bag.

Hi.

- Oh, my God, Brit.
- Brit!

Guys.
Oh.

- Are you okay?
- I'm all right.

How are the animals?

- They're in a better place.
- Oh, good.

What happened to you?
Tell me.

My parents,
they showed up and--

It's fine.

Your parents?
What happened?

It's just-- it's embarrassing.

Don't worry about it.
It's fine.

It's a pretty park.

I've never seen this side
of the city before.

_

_

Weirdos.