Pointless Celebrities (2010–…): Season 13, Episode 17 - Current Affairs - full transcript
A special celebrity Current Affairs edition of the general knowledge quiz in which four teams try to come up with the answers that no-one else could think of. Presented by Alexander Armstrong and co-host Richard Osman.
APPLAUSE
Thank you very much indeed.
Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong.
A very warm welcome to this
current affairs special
edition of Pointless Celebrities -
the game where you're always
aiming for the lowest score.
Let's meet this evening's
Pointless celebrities.
APPLAUSE
And couple number one.
I'm Rachel Johnson.
I'm a journalist, editor,
presenter, broadcaster.
Basically, I'll do anything!
I'm Camilla Tominey.
I'm associate editor
of the Telegraph,
covering politics and Royals.
APPLAUSE
And couple number two.
I'm Ayesha Hazarika.
I'm a former Labour adviser,
I'm now a stand-up comedian -
join up the dots!
And I'm also a columnist
and a broadcaster.
I'm John Pienaar,
I'm a broadcaster,
and I cover politics for BBC News
and Radio 5 Live.
APPLAUSE
Couple number three.
My name is Martin Bell.
I am a Unicef ambassador.
I used to be a war reporter
and a member of Parliament.
And I'm Michael Fabricant.
I'm a member of Parliament now,
but I used to set up radio
and television stations.
APPLAUSE
And finally, couple number four.
Hi, I'm Jacqui Smith.
I was the UK's first female
Home Secretary,
but now I'm friends with my former
political enemies.
I'm Iain Dale, I present
the evening show on LBC Radio,
and together we present
the For The Many podcast.
APPLAUSE
Thank you very much, all of you.
A very warm welcome to the show.
Lovely to have you all here.
We'll get a chance to chat
throughout the show,
of course, as it goes along.
So, that just leaves one more
person for me to introduce.
To appeal to the younger audience,
he's only giving answers
today in emojis.
It's my Pointless friend,
it's Richard. Hiya!
Hey, everybody, good evening.
APPLAUSE
Good evening to you. Good evening.
This is classy, isn't it?
I know. Oh, yes. This is better
than our usual tat. Yes.
Goodness me,
a current affairs special.
This is like Question Time,
but where you actually have to
give an answer. That's what this
show is going to be like tonight.
A very, very smart line-up, I think.
Yeah, thank you very much indeed,
Richard.
Now, as usual, all of this evening's
questions have been put
to 100 people before the show.
Our contestants here are looking
for those all-important pointless
answers. These are answers that
none of our 100 people gave.
And if you find one of those,
we'll add £250 to the jackpot.
Now, as today's show is
a celebrity special,
each of our celebrities is
playing for a nominated charity.
We are therefore going to
start off with a slightly large
jackpot of £2,500, which is there.
APPLAUSE
Right, if everyone's ready,
let's play Pointless.
APPLAUSE
The pair with the highest score
at the end of each round will be
eliminated, so all you have to do is
keep your scores nice and low
and you'll be fine. It's that easy.
Best of luck to all four pairs.
Our first category this
evening is...
Can you all decide in your pairs
who's going to go first,
who's going to go second,
and whoever's going first,
please step up to the podium.
OK, and our question concerns...
Richard. We're going to show you
a board with 16 pictures
of European flags, but we're only
going to show you
the top left-hand quarter
of those flags.
Can you tell us which countries
these are the flags of, please?
As always by country we
mean a sovereign state
that's a member of the UN
in its own right.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
OK, so, we're going to
show you an image.
That image will stay
up for the whole round.
We won't be changing halfway
through the round.
That stays for the whole round.
Here comes the image.
There we are.
And what you are seeing there,
remember,
is the top left-hand quarter
of these European flags.
OK. Camilla, welcome.
Great to have you here.
Thank you. You started out as a
royal correspondent. That's right.
And you're now largely political,
but you still have a
foot in the royal camp.
Still have a foot in that camp,
which means I'm quite busy most
of the time. I should think you are.
Yes. Do you find of the two cores
you have a preference?
Do you know what, sometimes one
proves to be an antidote
to the other. I bet.
So when you've had it up to here
with politicians, you then move
to the royals, and then when you've
had it up to here with the royals,
you go back to the politicians,
so really, everyone's a winner.
Do you get nicer pastries
in the royal entourage?
Well, actually,
you get nice biscuits
when you go to royal briefings.
Nice.
But you don't get much at political
ones. Oh, really? No.
Unless it's election time. Well,
sometimes, but not even then. No?!
Yes, royals are more generous,
I think,
when it comes to accommodating
the press. Very nice indeed.
Now, Camilla, flags. Yes, flags.
Always tough, I think.
Not my forte, I've got to be honest.
It's very few people's forte. Um...
And so I'm thinking shall
I go obvious to make sure
I don't make a complete
fool of myself?
I'm going to go for Denmark.
Denmark. OK, let's find out
if Denmark is up there.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said it. Denmark.
Oh, my goodness!
I thought that one was Denmark.
That may very well not be the last
100 points of the round,
Camilla. Denmark,
an incorrect answer.
100 points is what it scores.
My goodness. Sorry, Camilla.
Yeah, Denmark not up there.
But you said it with confidence, and
that's half the battle on this show.
Yeah, well done. Well,
false confidence, unfortunately.
I should have gone more obvious.
There you go. Or more correct.
One or the other.
That's the other one. Yes.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
John, welcome to Pointless.
Thank you.
Now, you started out as a print
journalist.
You were a sketch
writer on the Independent. I was.
And then you went into broadcast
journalism.
What was the allure,
what took you there?
Well, I spent most of my early life,
childhood, dreaming of being a
Fleet Street journalist, and that's
what I desperately wanted to do.
And I did that,
at the Independent newspaper,
when the paper launched, which was
a unique, fantastic experience.
And then after a few years of that,
someone at the BBC came along
and said, what about this?
What about being
a politico for BBC News?
And it seemed so scary that
I thought,
having decided it was scary,
I couldn't possibly not do it. Yeah.
And so I went to do it
thinking I'd leave after two years,
and that was 27 years ago.
Very good.
Well, John, here we return our
attention to our quarters of flags.
What's catching your eye? OK, um...
I'm also going to aim for obvious,
or what seems to be obvious
just at the moment, so I'm going to
say Croatia. Croatia, says John.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
agree with John
and spotted Croatia there.
Croatia is right.
Down it goes to 35.
I'll take that. Yeah, well done.
APPLAUSE
Well played, John.
Yeah, red, white and blue bands
with the Croatian crest
in the middle of them.
The blue crown of Croatia. Yeah.
Yeah. I wonder if it is blue.
What, the crown of Croatia?
Yeah, I wonder.
I don't think they have a crown.
Oh.
It's probably gold, if they do.
You'd have thought. Yeah.
Thank you!
Michael, welcome to Pointless.
Now, you were just saying earlier,
before you went into politics,
and just by the by, when was that?
How long have you been in politics?
Well, I became a member
of Parliament in '92,
and before that I wasn't really
involved in politics at all.
In fact, it was meant to
be my retirement job,
but, hey, I'm still here.
And before that you were selling,
something to do with TV and radio?
Yeah, so I started off working for
BBC radio news and current affairs.
Then they sacked me
because I wanted to get a commercial
radio station together.
And I went into partnership
with a guy I'd met at the BBC
who was an engineer,
and we set up a company and we ended
up selling radio stations
to 48 countries
around the world. Wow.
From Iceland to Botswana,
from New York to Sydney, Australia.
I got around a bit. Fantastic.
Which means I'm good at flags!
You took the neat segue right
out of my mouth.
What are you going to go for?
So, I'm going to go for what I think
is an obscure one.
I'm going to say northern Macedonia.
Northern Macedonia, says Michael.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said northern Macedonia.
Well done, Michael.
Well, if I get it.
It may be the wrong one!
I can see it.
It's right.
It's right. Well, 100 is our high
score. 35 is our low.
It goes down to 12.
Very well done indeed, Michael.
APPLAUSE
Well done, well done.
It's North Macedonia,
rather than northern Macedonia,
but I've given it to you. That's
nice, a rising sun. Very nice.
Thank you, Richard.
Thank you, Michael.
Jacqui, welcome to Pointless.
Thank you. Good to have you here.
Now, you are in the world of
broadcast journalism
and political commentary, having
been right in the front of politics.
Do you find yourself just wishing
sometimes you were back there,
or do you not miss it at all?
No, it's very, very nice to
be on the other side of the barrier.
I thoroughly loved my time. I was 13
years in parliament, with Michael.
And I was ten years as a minister,
but it's very nice now to be
a recovering politician,
to be able to do a whole
range of different things
and to be able to comment
on my former colleagues.
A recovering politician!
What are you going to go for
on our board?
This is... This is grim,
as far as I'm concerned.
They're really hard, aren't they?
Honestly, it is not something that
I have any specialism in whatsoever.
Um, Portugal.
Portugal.
Well, let's find out, Iain.
How many of our 100 people
said Portugal?
It's right.
100, the high score. 12, the low.
There you are, 34.
Very well done indeed, Jacqui.
APPLAUSE
Well played, Jacqui.
Yeah, they've
got their coat of arms as well.
Being a football fan is very good
for flags. That's how I knew. Is it?
Because, like the Croatian
football kit,
and the Portuguese football kit,
they suit their flags.
Thank you very much.
We're halfway through the round.
Let's have a quick
look at those scores.
12, as I mentioned,
the best score of the pass.
Very well done indeed to you,
Michael. 100, Camilla, bad luck.
This is poor, isn't it? No.
I feel disappointed. In myself.
Don't feel disappointed yet. OK.
Let's wait and see what
happens in the next pass. All right.
You never know. Is the next part
flags as well?
It's the same round.
LAUGHTER
So, yes. We're going to come
back down the line now.
Will the second players please
step up to the podium.
There we are. Iain, welcome
to Pointless. Thank you.
Now, this is interesting,
because you had a tilt at politics,
front line politics, in the early
2000s.
And then you retired.
You thought,
I'm not going to do this any more.
Well, I stood for election
in North Norfolk, where the
electorate fought back,
unfortunately.
I turned a 483 Liberal Democrat
majority into a 10,000 majority,
so I thought at that point...
I did slightly have another go, but,
yeah, I'm now on the other side.
It's clearly something that means
a lot to you. You love politics.
Do you find you
get your fix better where
you are now from the sidelines?
Doing radio is...
I always wanted to be an MP or
a radio presenter,
and doing the radio now,
I can interview politicians,
I kind of know how they think,
so I can ask questions maybe that
others might not ask
because I know what's going on in
their brain, Michael Fabricant.
Wow, that must be quite an insight.
It's a horrifying insight.
LAUGHTER
Iain, you're on 34,
which means if you can score 65 or
less, you are through to Round Two.
So, we're revealing a fraction
of these flags.
Can you identify these flags from
that tiny quarter?
What are you going to go for?
Norway. Norway, says Iain.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said Norway. Here is your red line.
Norway is right.
And you are through.
44.
APPLAUSE
Takes your total up to 78.
I knew someone would go
for the Norway option at some point.
I think that may be the one,
a lot of people get that mixed up
with the Danish flag,
the Norwegian flag there.
Thank you very much indeed.
Now, Martin, welcome.
Great to have you here.
Can I ask you about your white suit?
The white suit is
a superstition thing.
It keeps me alive in
dangerous places.
Oh, really? Like Pointless.
When did you start wearing
the white suit?
After the '91 Gulf War, in which
I was embedded with the cavalry,
and it's stood me in good
stead more or less ever since.
And when you decided to
run for Tatton, you did so, I think,
with about 24 days' notice. I think
it was something like that.
You announced to the BBC that
you would be standing.
What was the reaction amongst your
BBC colleagues? Did they support it?
It was one of extreme dismay,
and they were absolutely convinced
I was going to lose.
And so was I, but I didn't.
Very good.
OK, now, Martin, you're on 12 -
fabulous low score from Michael
in the first pass.
87 or less gets you
into the next round.
What would you like to go for?
There is one country here, which has
a national anthem and no words,
because they can't agree
on the words, and that is Bosnia,
and that's down the bottom right.
OK, Bosnia.
Let's see if that is right.
Let's see how
many of our 100 people said it.
Here is your red line.
It's right and you're through.
Very well done.
Down it goes to six. Very well
done on the third podium there.
It takes your total up to 18.
Brilliant.
APPLAUSE
I knew you'd go for Bosnia. I just
knew it. Yeah, Bosnia-Herzegovina.
The triangle on the flag is the
rough shape
of the country of Bosnia. Very nice.
Thank you very much indeed.
OK, so, Ayesha.
So, you are a stand-up comedian now,
rather than before you
went into politics.
Did you not do comedy before you
went into politics as well?
I did do a bit of comedy beforehand,
which is very good training,
and it was a natural career
progression.
They were like, why don't you join
the Labour Party and be an adviser?
I was like, that's a great idea.
Who's the tougher crowd?
This one.
Really? No.
Actually, the House of Commons
chamber can be
quite a raucous place.
There's kind of similarities
because if you're doing the late
gig at a comedy club,
there's lots of heckling,
lots of noise, of course that's
exactly what the chamber can be like
during Prime Minister's Questions.
Very good. OK, now, there you are,
Ayesha, on 35.
64 or less is what
you need to get through.
Is there anything left on that board
you like the look of? I don't know.
I'm terrible at flags,
but I'm going to go for...
Switzerland.
OK, Switzerland, says Ayesha.
Let's find out if it's right,
let's see how many of our 100 people
said Switzerland.
There's your red line.
Switzerland is right,
and you're through.
Just.
60, taking your total up to 95.
APPLAUSE
Well played, Ayesha, yeah.
It's the only square flag
in the world, Switzerland.
Thank you.
Now, Rachel. Well...
This could be a double. Yeah. Wow.
Rachel, before we dive into that,
I want to know,
when you were growing up,
what was the decibel level like
around your dining room table?
LAUGHTER
Well, what used to happen was,
my father used to put on the radio
if it got too noisy.
Or we'd have quizzes.
This is why, presumably, I'm going
to be out first, because I...
One member of my family used to
get all the answers right.
Well, did flags ever come
up in those quizzes?
Well, you see, I lived in Brussels,
which is really embarrassing,
and I went to the European school,
but I still don't recognise a flag,
barely recognise my own flag.
Do you fancy talking us through them
and maybe...
RACHEL LAUGHS
Well, I...
I think... This isn't my answer.
OK. Spain... Is there. ..is there.
And I think Belgium is there. And I
think possibly Luxembourg is there.
I really don't know,
but I'm going to say Luxembourg.
Luxembourg, says Rachel. Good call.
No red line for you, as I'm afraid
you're the high-scorers,
but let's see what happens
when we say Luxembourg.
Oh, well. Historic.
Listen, it was a bold answer.
It scored 100 points.
Takes your total up to 200.
Our newest 200 Club members.
It's a way to go, isn't it? Exactly.
Taking one for the team there.
Also, it's good to go for a risk,
if you're know you're
going to go out.
Red, white and blue horizontal
stripes, Luxembourg.
Let's take a look through
all of these, shall we?
Xander, how are you on this one?
Top left?
That's Greece, I know that one.
Greece, 53. The next one along?
No idea. That's where Rachel used to
live. Belgium.
I said Belgium!
Yeah, you said that.
That would have scored 37.
One of the best scorers, top right.
Err...
Estonia.
Yeah, Estonia would have
scored you seven.
Now, this next one down, similar to
Luxembourg.
Liechtenstein,
would have scored five points.
Next one down... Cha, da-da-da...
La-la-la.
That's an arrow and there's a white
bit at the top
and a red bit at the bottom.
Czech Republic or Czechia.
Oh, I see! Oh, look.
Yeah, that's cleverly hidden away,
isn't it? Oh, yes. Four points.
Best answer on the board. Next one.
This one I know.
Cyprus. Cyprus. It's got the country
on the flag there, which is cool.
14 points for that. Next one along?
It could be Germany. Yeah, Germany.
Germany is right, yeah. 50 points
for Germany.
Bottom left? France.
I'm getting the swing of this now.
It is France.
It's quite a low score, though.
28 points for that. Then? Spain.
Spain, 61. And...
TOGETHER: Sweden. Sweden.
63 points for Sweden.
The best answer on the board
is Czechia.
Well done if you said Czechia.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
And that brings us to the
end of our first round which means
we have to say goodbye
to our first pair.
Rachel and Camilla, I'm so sorry.
We've had a great day.
You knew Liechtenstein.
I'm afraid that's
the curse of the first podium.
Too late, unfortunately. But thank
you for having us. Thank you.
Please come back and play again.
It's been lovely having you here.
Rachel and Camilla.
But for the remaining three pairs
it's now time for Round Two.
APPLAUSE
There we are. Down to three pairs,
and into our second round.
Well, you've all covered
yourselves in glory after a fashion,
but Michael and Martin particularly
wrapped themselves in that flag.
That was fantastic play there.
Best of luck to all three pairs.
Our category for Round Two this
evening is...
Can you all decide in your pairs
who's going to go first, who's going
to go second, and whoever's going
first, please step up to the podium.
And the question concerns...
Richard. We're going to show you six
descriptions on each board
of people who got
a new job in 2019.
We'll show you their initials
as well. But who are they, please?
Thank you very much indeed.
So, we are looking for these people,
who all got a new job in 2019.
And here's the first board of six.
I'm going to read those all again.
There we are. John.
OK, I've got an advantage going
first here because I can pick
an answer, which is going to be
extremely obvious to everyone
on the platform,
but may be less so to people,
the hundred people you asked,
so I'm going to say Lindsay Hoyle,
the new Speaker.
Lindsay Hoyle, the new Speaker.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said Lindsay Hoyle.
It's a correct answer, and I suspect
it will be a nice low-scorer.
Down it goes to 13.
Very well done indeed, John.
Cracking start to the round.
13 for Lindsay Hoyle.
APPLAUSE
And you've summed it up beautifully,
John.
On any normal Pointless,
that's the one everyone's avoiding.
And on this one, it's the one
everyone wanted.
The 158th Speaker.
The 159th will be Alexa.
LAUGHTER
Thank you very much indeed,
Richard. Martin.
The former BBC newsreader who joined
Classic FM as the morning
news presenter was Moira Stuart.
Moira Stuart says Martin.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said Moira Stuart.
Moira Stuart is absolutely right.
13 is the only score
we have at the moment.
Oh, look at that, down to nine.
Very well done indeed, Martin.
Nine for Moira Stuart.
APPLAUSE
Well played, Martin. We love Moira
Stuart, don't we? We do love Moira.
We once had a pair who won
the Pointless jackpot called Moira
and Stuart. We did, yeah.
It was lovely.
That was nice. Yeah. Yes.
Never had that with Angela
and Rippon, have we? No.
Or Leeming and Jan.
Thank you very much indeed.
Now, Iain.
This board's all yours.
Do you want to fill in all the
blanks for us?
I was going to pick Moira Stuart,
but I'm going to have to
go for Andrew Flintoff.
OK, Andrew Flintoff, says Iain.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said Andrew Flintoff.
It's right. 30 is the high score.
Nine is the low.
33 for Andrew Flintoff.
APPLAUSE
How are you on the rest of these?
The comedian and writer?
They filmed it here?
Oh, oh, lovely Tom Allen!
Tom Allen, yeah, absolutely.
He would have scored 12 points.
Well done if you said that.
We'll leave JT because it's the best
answer on the board.
The new Poet Laureate?
Simon Armitage.
Simon Armitage would have
scored you two.
And the head coach of the English
netball team is
Jess Thirlby.
It's a pointless answer,
so very well done if you said that.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Well,
we're halfway through the round.
Let's just look at those
scores again.
Well done, Michael and Martin.
Once again in pole position
halfway through the round.
13's where we find John and Ayesha.
Then up to 33 where we find
Iain and Jacqui.
Jacqui, you get the new board.
Use it wisely.
Find a nice, low-scoring answer
there. Don't go too easy. OK.
We're going to come
back down the line now.
Will the second players please
step up to the podium.
OK, let's put six more people who
took on a new job in 2019.
And here they are. We've got...
I'll read those clues again.
There we are. Jacqui...
JACQUI SIGHS
Yeah.
Er, Christine Lagarde.
Christine Lagarde.
French lawyer and politician.
OK, Christine Lagarde -
let's see how many of our 100 people
said Christine Lagarde.
No red line for you at this stage,
as you're the high scorers.
Christine Lagarde is
absolutely right.
And down it goes,
look at that, down to five.
Exactly what we needed from you,
very well done indeed!
Takes your total up to 38.
APPLAUSE
Well played, Jacqui, nicely done,
formerly the managing director
of the International Monetary Fund.
And as a teenager, she was a member
of the French synchronised
swimming team.
You can... Her nose, yes,
you can see the clip marks.
Still there, to this day. Yes.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Now, Michael, you're on nine - 28 or
less gets you into the next round.
I can truly say I haven't a clue.
I would have just about got
Christine Lagarde,
but the others,
I...mean nothing to me.
I mean, the best you can do,
I guess, is look at one you
might vaguely know a name from
and just use the initials, I'd say.
Mike Murray, I don't know, MM.
Mike Murray! On Strictly! Excellent.
Here is your red line, Michael.
Mike Murray, let's find
out if that's right.
Me-mee! I'm afraid not.
Mike Murray scores you 100 points,
takes your total up to 109.
The round is not yet over, though.
Sorry, Michael.
Yeah, but Mike Murray
is Bruno Tonioli's real name. So...
LAUGHTER
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Now, then, Ayesha, - all these
people started new jobs in 2019,
but who are they? Do you fancy
talking us through this board?
Erm, Frank Lampard,
as the former player appointed
to the manager of Chelsea FC.
Or Captain Marvel, Brie Larson?
Is that going to be your answer?
Brie Larson? Yep. Brie Larson.
Here is your red line -
nice and high, if you can get
below that with Brie Larson,
you're into the Head-to-Head.
How many of our 100 said
Brie Larson? Is it right?
It is Brie Larson!
Very well done indeed. Oh, God!
Through you go to the Head-to-Head.
AUDIENCE: Oooh...!
Down to nine. Oh, my gosh!
Fantastic,
takes your total up to 22.
Yeah, very well played, Ayesha.
Frank Lampard is the former player
appointed manager of Chelsea,
would have scored
you 33 points for that.
Now, the South African-born
dancer is not Mike Murray.
It's Motsi Mabuse -
Oti Mabuse's sister.
She would have scored you 13.
The TV presenter?
Emma Willis. Emma Willis, yeah.
She would have scored 14.
And the best answer is
the judge at the bottom there,
and it was Philip Sales.
Well done if you said that,
it's a pointless answer.
Thank you very much indeed.
So, at the end of our second round,
the pair who are heading home
with our high score of 109, Michael
and Martin, I'm afraid it's you.
Sorry about that. I mean, right up
there, you went off a
cliff edge there.
You were our low scorers again
and again and then, I'm afraid...
I honestly didn't have a clue
that round, it was...horrific!
Well, there we are, anyway, well,
thank you for coming to play,
Michael and Martin, very well done!
But for our two remaining pairs,
it is now time for our Head-to-Head.
Congratulations, Iain and Jacqui,
John and Ayesha,
you're now one
step closer to the final and a
chance to play for our jackpot,
for your charities.
Our jackpot currently
is standing at £2,500.
APPLAUSE
Well, we have to decide who's
going to go through to the final
and play for that jackpot, and we
do it by making you go head-to-head.
But the difference is, you're
now allowed to confer! Hooray. Yay!
Ah, that's going to make
a world of difference!
First pair to win two questions
will be playing for that jackpot.
Best of luck to both pairs,
let's play the Head-to-Head.
Here is your first question.
And it concerns...
Richard? I'm going to show you five
pictures now of items that you might
find at a Japanese restaurant.
We'll show you alternative
letters of their names as well,
but what are they, please?
Thank you very much indeed.
Let's reveal our fight foodstuffs
from Japan, and here they are...
There we are. Five things you might
find in a Japanese restaurant.
Iain and Jacqui, you're our golden
couple, so you get to go first.
Feel free to confer.
All my friends will
be laughing their heads off,
because I have never been
to a Japanese restaurant,
and I have no intention
of ever going to one. So, Jacqui...!
Erm...
Er...
..B, yakitori.
Yakitori, say Iain and Jacqui.
Now, then, John and Ayesha,
do you want to talk us
through the rest of that board?
Go for it, Ayesha. Erm...
..D, udon noodles?
C, sushi.
A, tempura prawn?
What are you going to go for?
Udon noodles.
OK, D, udon noodles.
So, we have yakatori
and we have udon noodles.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said yakitori for B.
There we are, 15 for yakitori.
APPLAUSE
John and Ayesha, meanwhile,
have gone for udon noodles for D.
Let's see how many about 100 people
said udon noodles.
It's right.
Down it goes to 33.
Which means, well done, Iain
and Jacqui, or more specifically,
Jacqui, after one question,
you are up 1-0.
Yeah, two very good
answers there, there is
one killer answer up there
which we'll get to last.
Tempura prawns would have
scored you...
48.
And the biggest scorer of all,
sushi...
..would have scored you 74.
Do you know this last one? No.
They're salted Japanese plums.
Oh, they sound even more delicious
than they look! Don't they just?
They are called umeboshi.
Very well done
if you said that at home,
it would have scored one point.
Thank you very much indeed.
OK now, here comes
your second question.
John and Ayesha,
you get to answer it first.
You also have to win this one to
stay in the game, so, best of luck.
Our second question this
evening is all about...
Richard. We're going to show you the
titles and authors of
five novels now,
but we've missed a
word out of each title,
and that word is the surname
of a British prime minister.
So, who are these prime ministers,
please? Thank you very much indeed.
So, let's reveal our books
with missing prime ministers
from their titles.
And we've got...
There we are. John
and Ayesha will go first.
Can you see a brilliant one? The
obvious one is Darling Buds Of May.
THEY WHISPER
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah?
OK, we're going to
go for...East Of Eden.
Eden, Eden, say John and Ayesha.
Now, Iain and Jacqui,
how much of that board do you
think you can fill in?
Well, it's obviously, this is not an
answer, but the Darling Buds Of May.
Man In The Brown Suit - I don't
know any of the others, do you? No.
No. So, Man In The Brown Suit?
Yeah. Yeah? Man In The Brown Suit.
The Man In The Brown Suit.
So, we have Eden and we have Brown.
John and Ayesha
went for East Of Eden,
let's see how many of our 100 people
said that, East Of Eden?
Down it goes to 46.
APPLAUSE
Iain and Jacqui, meanwhile, have
gone for The Man In The Brown Suit.
Let's see if that's right, Brown -
how many of our 100 said that?
Brown is right.
And it wins you the point.
Very well done indeed, down to 14.
Particularly well done, because that
means, after only two questions,
you're straight through
to the final, 2-0.
Yes, very nicely done, very well
played, Man In The Brown Suit,
Gordon Brown, of course,
and Anthony Eden there.
Darling Buds Of May,
you were quite right about it -
right to avoid it as well,
because it would have scored 83.
Do you know the Mark Twain one?
Pudd'nhead Lord North.
It was not Pudd'nhead Lord North
or Lloyd George...or Canning. Erm...
..I don't know. Pudd'nhead...
Labour prime minister?
Blair. Not Blair.
Pudd'nhead... Callaghan. Wilson?
Wilson? Wilson is the right answer.
Pudd'nhead Wilson
would have scored you two.
Now, this bottom one is a pointless
answer, and when you hear it,
you sort of go, OK,
this sounds like a place name.
Enbury...
Enbury... Tory prime minister?
North? Cameron. Not Cameron.
Sounds like a place?
Sounds like a place.
Enbury Heath!
Enbury Heath, is the answer,
and it's a pointless answer as well,
so, very well done if you said that.
Very good.
Er, thank you very much indeed,
Richard.
So, the pair leaving us at the end
of the Head-to-Head round,
John and Ayesha, I'm afraid
it's you, you've been brilliant,
though,
you've played incredibly well,
and yes, right through to the
Head-to-Head, unblemished pointless
record, you just didn't make it
through to the final, so you'll have
to come back and see if you can win
a pointless trophy next time.
Thank you. But thank you very much
for playing, John and Ayesha,
wonderful.
But for Iain and Jacqui, it's now
time for our Pointless Final.
Congratulations, Iain and Jacqui,
you have fought off all
the competition and you have
won our coveted Pointless trophy.
You now have a chance
to win our pointless
jackpot for your charities,
and at the end of today's show,
the jackpot is standing at £2,500.
APPLAUSE
Well, very well done indeed,
slow and steady wins the game.
2-0 in the Head-to-Head -
no arguing with that.
Quite often, that sets up
a nice win in the last round.
But, of course,
it all hinges on what
we put up on the board behind me.
What would you like to see come up,
what subjects would you like,
Jacqui, you first? Not flags.
No, not flags! Boybands
of the 1980s for Jacqui. Yeah, yeah.
And you, in fact.
Ooh, hoo-hoo!
Boybands. Yeah. OK, anything else?
Eurovision?
Eurovision, I could
happily cope with,
the history of West Ham United,
erm... OK.
A lot of pointless answers! Yeah!
OK, well, let's find out.
The choices this evening are...
What do we think?
We're too young for the year 1968.
Could we...?
Erm... Just.
What sort of things...?
Erm, I don't know anything
about the London marathon.
No, I don't know
anything about the London marathon.
I think it's Verbs or
Musical Dads And Daughters.
I think it's Musical Dads And
daughters. Do you? I mean, it's...
What does Verbs...mean?
What do verbs do? I did do...
I did do a degree in
German and linguistics,
so linguistics ought to help,
but it was a long time ago.
Not quite as far as 1968, but...
Erm...
It's Verbs or Musical Dads
And Daughters, isn't it?
Verbs. Verbs. I would have gone
for Musical Dads And Daughters.
LAUGHTER
Verbs, it is.
This is a words round,
we're looking for any word
in the English language
that fits the following criteria.
We're looking for any verb
which ends...
It has to have its own
entry in the World English
section of
Premium Oxford Dictionaries.
No acronyms, no proper nouns,
anything like that,
no hyphenated words, just any
verbs ending ACH, ACK or ACT,
and the very best of luck.
Thank you very much indeed.
Now, you've got up to a minute
to come up with three answers.
All you need to win that jackpot
is for just one of your answers
to be pointless.
Now, you don't have to answer all
three, unless you badly want to.
You can focus on whichever ones
you like, that's how it works.
Are you ready?
We're ready. Excellent.
Let's put 60 seconds
up on the clock.
Your time starts now.
Beach would be the first one -
what do you think for the...
..second one? Interact?
Back, sack or crack?!
Erm... Interact?
Interact...
Exact. Exact is a verb, actually.
Exact.
Exact is a verb, I think,
for the last one? Yes... Is it?
Yeah, to exact, I think it is.
Yeah? Yeah. OK.
OK, pick that. Something long?
I can't think, something...
To jack? To jack? Yeah, yeah.
THEY LAUGH
OK, right. We're there. No, no.
We've got 27 seconds yet!
Don't be so...
"More haste, less speed."
That's what my mum always said.
To jack... But no notice. Um...
To slack?
Yeah, we want... Ten seconds left.
Would did we say for the last one?
We said interact,
but I think jack's better.
Beach... Interact, beach and jack.
But is there any...?
OK, that is your time up.
Yeah, what three answers
can you give me?
Beach. Beach.
To interact. Interact.
And...? To jack. To jack? Yeah.
OK. Of those three, which is your
best shot at a pointless answer,
do you think?
Beach. Beach goes last.
Least likely to be pointless?
Interact, I would say.
Interact. Interact. Yeah.
Then jack goes in the middle.
Well, let's put those answers up
on the board in that order,
and here they are. We've got...
Well, very, very best of luck.
Three answers there.
Only one of them has to be pointless
to win that jackpot
for your charities.
Which charities are you playing for?
Iain, I'm going to ask you first.
I am playing for
the ManKind Initiative,
which is a small charity which helps
male victims of domestic violence,
because one in four victims
of domestic violence,
believe it or not, is a man.
OK. Jacqui?
And I'm playing for the Jo Cox
Foundation, of which I'm chair,
and obviously Jo was
a former colleague - much missed -
but her values
live on in the foundation.
APPLAUSE
Two wonderful charities there.
Let's hope one of these answers wins
that jackpot for your charities.
Your first answer was interact.
In all cases,
we're looking for verbs
that end in either
ACT, ACK or ACH.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
went for interact.
For £2,500.
Interact is right.
It just has to go
all the way down to zero now
for your charities
to win that jackpot of £2,500.
Down we...!
Ooh, 9 for interact.
APPLAUSE
Single figures.
But not a pointless answer.
Let's turn to jack.
Jack. And, again, we're looking for
verbs - ending in ACK in this case.
For £2,500,
how many of our 100 said jack?
Well, interact took us down to 9.
Jack now takes us down through
the teens, into single figures.
Still going. Ooh, 7.
BOTH: Oh!
Seven for jack.
We now turn to your third
and final answer.
This is the one you thought
was probably your best shot
at a pointless answer.
Again, it's verbs ending ACH.
Beach, you've gone for,
as in to beach a whale.
Actually, you'd never beach a whale.
A whale beaches itself, I fear.
Or gets beached, anyway. Um...
I'll get on with it.
LAUGHTER
To win the jackpot of £2,500,
beach has to be a pointless answer.
How many of our 100 people
said beach?
It's right. Again, three correct
answers, as we would have hoped.
Your first answer, interact,
took us down to 9.
Your second answer, jack, took us
down to 7. Now we go with beach,
down to 6! Oh!
APPLAUSE
Bad luck. Well done.
Well...
..three lovely single-score answers,
and, best of all, you put them
immaculately in the right order.
Unfortunately,
you didn't manage to find
the important pointless answer,
so I'm afraid you don't win
today's jackpot.
However, as it's a celerity special,
we're going to donate £500
to each pair
for their respective charities.
So very well done. It's been lovely
having you on the show.
Thank you so much for playing,
Iain and Jacqui.
And you get a Pointless trophy
each as well.
Richard.
Yeah, very well played.
A tough show to win,
and you did it in some style.
Now, that 60 seconds
is never enough.
I'm going to show you
a load of words you know here,
but that time
just passes by so quickly.
At home, let's see if you've got any
of these. So we'll start with ACH.
All of these were pointless answers,
would have won you the money.
You could have had... Approach,
was a pointless answer. Was it?!
Attach was a pointless answer.
Broach. Outreach as well.
Reapproach and reattach.
All of those were pointless answers.
Seems like more all of those
were more common...
We'll go on to ACK. Some nice words
here. You could have had...
You could have had bushwhack.
You went for jack.
You could have had carjack, that
would have been a pointless answer,
as would skyjack.
Both of those are pointless answers.
Gobsmack is a pointless answer
as well. And the final ones are...
You could have had abstract,
counteract, diffract,
overreact, putrefact.
That's a nice... Nice.
..place to finish, isn't it?
Very well done if you got
a pointless answer at home.
Think that was pretty tough.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
And thank you, Iain and Jacqui,
we've loved having you on the show.
Please come and play again.
Iain and Jacqui!
Join us next time, when we'll be
putting more obscure knowledge to
the test on Pointless Celebrities.
Meanwhile, it's goodbye
from Richard... Goodbye!
..and it's goodbye from me.
Goodbye.
Thank you very much indeed.
Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong.
A very warm welcome to this
current affairs special
edition of Pointless Celebrities -
the game where you're always
aiming for the lowest score.
Let's meet this evening's
Pointless celebrities.
APPLAUSE
And couple number one.
I'm Rachel Johnson.
I'm a journalist, editor,
presenter, broadcaster.
Basically, I'll do anything!
I'm Camilla Tominey.
I'm associate editor
of the Telegraph,
covering politics and Royals.
APPLAUSE
And couple number two.
I'm Ayesha Hazarika.
I'm a former Labour adviser,
I'm now a stand-up comedian -
join up the dots!
And I'm also a columnist
and a broadcaster.
I'm John Pienaar,
I'm a broadcaster,
and I cover politics for BBC News
and Radio 5 Live.
APPLAUSE
Couple number three.
My name is Martin Bell.
I am a Unicef ambassador.
I used to be a war reporter
and a member of Parliament.
And I'm Michael Fabricant.
I'm a member of Parliament now,
but I used to set up radio
and television stations.
APPLAUSE
And finally, couple number four.
Hi, I'm Jacqui Smith.
I was the UK's first female
Home Secretary,
but now I'm friends with my former
political enemies.
I'm Iain Dale, I present
the evening show on LBC Radio,
and together we present
the For The Many podcast.
APPLAUSE
Thank you very much, all of you.
A very warm welcome to the show.
Lovely to have you all here.
We'll get a chance to chat
throughout the show,
of course, as it goes along.
So, that just leaves one more
person for me to introduce.
To appeal to the younger audience,
he's only giving answers
today in emojis.
It's my Pointless friend,
it's Richard. Hiya!
Hey, everybody, good evening.
APPLAUSE
Good evening to you. Good evening.
This is classy, isn't it?
I know. Oh, yes. This is better
than our usual tat. Yes.
Goodness me,
a current affairs special.
This is like Question Time,
but where you actually have to
give an answer. That's what this
show is going to be like tonight.
A very, very smart line-up, I think.
Yeah, thank you very much indeed,
Richard.
Now, as usual, all of this evening's
questions have been put
to 100 people before the show.
Our contestants here are looking
for those all-important pointless
answers. These are answers that
none of our 100 people gave.
And if you find one of those,
we'll add £250 to the jackpot.
Now, as today's show is
a celebrity special,
each of our celebrities is
playing for a nominated charity.
We are therefore going to
start off with a slightly large
jackpot of £2,500, which is there.
APPLAUSE
Right, if everyone's ready,
let's play Pointless.
APPLAUSE
The pair with the highest score
at the end of each round will be
eliminated, so all you have to do is
keep your scores nice and low
and you'll be fine. It's that easy.
Best of luck to all four pairs.
Our first category this
evening is...
Can you all decide in your pairs
who's going to go first,
who's going to go second,
and whoever's going first,
please step up to the podium.
OK, and our question concerns...
Richard. We're going to show you
a board with 16 pictures
of European flags, but we're only
going to show you
the top left-hand quarter
of those flags.
Can you tell us which countries
these are the flags of, please?
As always by country we
mean a sovereign state
that's a member of the UN
in its own right.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
OK, so, we're going to
show you an image.
That image will stay
up for the whole round.
We won't be changing halfway
through the round.
That stays for the whole round.
Here comes the image.
There we are.
And what you are seeing there,
remember,
is the top left-hand quarter
of these European flags.
OK. Camilla, welcome.
Great to have you here.
Thank you. You started out as a
royal correspondent. That's right.
And you're now largely political,
but you still have a
foot in the royal camp.
Still have a foot in that camp,
which means I'm quite busy most
of the time. I should think you are.
Yes. Do you find of the two cores
you have a preference?
Do you know what, sometimes one
proves to be an antidote
to the other. I bet.
So when you've had it up to here
with politicians, you then move
to the royals, and then when you've
had it up to here with the royals,
you go back to the politicians,
so really, everyone's a winner.
Do you get nicer pastries
in the royal entourage?
Well, actually,
you get nice biscuits
when you go to royal briefings.
Nice.
But you don't get much at political
ones. Oh, really? No.
Unless it's election time. Well,
sometimes, but not even then. No?!
Yes, royals are more generous,
I think,
when it comes to accommodating
the press. Very nice indeed.
Now, Camilla, flags. Yes, flags.
Always tough, I think.
Not my forte, I've got to be honest.
It's very few people's forte. Um...
And so I'm thinking shall
I go obvious to make sure
I don't make a complete
fool of myself?
I'm going to go for Denmark.
Denmark. OK, let's find out
if Denmark is up there.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said it. Denmark.
Oh, my goodness!
I thought that one was Denmark.
That may very well not be the last
100 points of the round,
Camilla. Denmark,
an incorrect answer.
100 points is what it scores.
My goodness. Sorry, Camilla.
Yeah, Denmark not up there.
But you said it with confidence, and
that's half the battle on this show.
Yeah, well done. Well,
false confidence, unfortunately.
I should have gone more obvious.
There you go. Or more correct.
One or the other.
That's the other one. Yes.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
John, welcome to Pointless.
Thank you.
Now, you started out as a print
journalist.
You were a sketch
writer on the Independent. I was.
And then you went into broadcast
journalism.
What was the allure,
what took you there?
Well, I spent most of my early life,
childhood, dreaming of being a
Fleet Street journalist, and that's
what I desperately wanted to do.
And I did that,
at the Independent newspaper,
when the paper launched, which was
a unique, fantastic experience.
And then after a few years of that,
someone at the BBC came along
and said, what about this?
What about being
a politico for BBC News?
And it seemed so scary that
I thought,
having decided it was scary,
I couldn't possibly not do it. Yeah.
And so I went to do it
thinking I'd leave after two years,
and that was 27 years ago.
Very good.
Well, John, here we return our
attention to our quarters of flags.
What's catching your eye? OK, um...
I'm also going to aim for obvious,
or what seems to be obvious
just at the moment, so I'm going to
say Croatia. Croatia, says John.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
agree with John
and spotted Croatia there.
Croatia is right.
Down it goes to 35.
I'll take that. Yeah, well done.
APPLAUSE
Well played, John.
Yeah, red, white and blue bands
with the Croatian crest
in the middle of them.
The blue crown of Croatia. Yeah.
Yeah. I wonder if it is blue.
What, the crown of Croatia?
Yeah, I wonder.
I don't think they have a crown.
Oh.
It's probably gold, if they do.
You'd have thought. Yeah.
Thank you!
Michael, welcome to Pointless.
Now, you were just saying earlier,
before you went into politics,
and just by the by, when was that?
How long have you been in politics?
Well, I became a member
of Parliament in '92,
and before that I wasn't really
involved in politics at all.
In fact, it was meant to
be my retirement job,
but, hey, I'm still here.
And before that you were selling,
something to do with TV and radio?
Yeah, so I started off working for
BBC radio news and current affairs.
Then they sacked me
because I wanted to get a commercial
radio station together.
And I went into partnership
with a guy I'd met at the BBC
who was an engineer,
and we set up a company and we ended
up selling radio stations
to 48 countries
around the world. Wow.
From Iceland to Botswana,
from New York to Sydney, Australia.
I got around a bit. Fantastic.
Which means I'm good at flags!
You took the neat segue right
out of my mouth.
What are you going to go for?
So, I'm going to go for what I think
is an obscure one.
I'm going to say northern Macedonia.
Northern Macedonia, says Michael.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said northern Macedonia.
Well done, Michael.
Well, if I get it.
It may be the wrong one!
I can see it.
It's right.
It's right. Well, 100 is our high
score. 35 is our low.
It goes down to 12.
Very well done indeed, Michael.
APPLAUSE
Well done, well done.
It's North Macedonia,
rather than northern Macedonia,
but I've given it to you. That's
nice, a rising sun. Very nice.
Thank you, Richard.
Thank you, Michael.
Jacqui, welcome to Pointless.
Thank you. Good to have you here.
Now, you are in the world of
broadcast journalism
and political commentary, having
been right in the front of politics.
Do you find yourself just wishing
sometimes you were back there,
or do you not miss it at all?
No, it's very, very nice to
be on the other side of the barrier.
I thoroughly loved my time. I was 13
years in parliament, with Michael.
And I was ten years as a minister,
but it's very nice now to be
a recovering politician,
to be able to do a whole
range of different things
and to be able to comment
on my former colleagues.
A recovering politician!
What are you going to go for
on our board?
This is... This is grim,
as far as I'm concerned.
They're really hard, aren't they?
Honestly, it is not something that
I have any specialism in whatsoever.
Um, Portugal.
Portugal.
Well, let's find out, Iain.
How many of our 100 people
said Portugal?
It's right.
100, the high score. 12, the low.
There you are, 34.
Very well done indeed, Jacqui.
APPLAUSE
Well played, Jacqui.
Yeah, they've
got their coat of arms as well.
Being a football fan is very good
for flags. That's how I knew. Is it?
Because, like the Croatian
football kit,
and the Portuguese football kit,
they suit their flags.
Thank you very much.
We're halfway through the round.
Let's have a quick
look at those scores.
12, as I mentioned,
the best score of the pass.
Very well done indeed to you,
Michael. 100, Camilla, bad luck.
This is poor, isn't it? No.
I feel disappointed. In myself.
Don't feel disappointed yet. OK.
Let's wait and see what
happens in the next pass. All right.
You never know. Is the next part
flags as well?
It's the same round.
LAUGHTER
So, yes. We're going to come
back down the line now.
Will the second players please
step up to the podium.
There we are. Iain, welcome
to Pointless. Thank you.
Now, this is interesting,
because you had a tilt at politics,
front line politics, in the early
2000s.
And then you retired.
You thought,
I'm not going to do this any more.
Well, I stood for election
in North Norfolk, where the
electorate fought back,
unfortunately.
I turned a 483 Liberal Democrat
majority into a 10,000 majority,
so I thought at that point...
I did slightly have another go, but,
yeah, I'm now on the other side.
It's clearly something that means
a lot to you. You love politics.
Do you find you
get your fix better where
you are now from the sidelines?
Doing radio is...
I always wanted to be an MP or
a radio presenter,
and doing the radio now,
I can interview politicians,
I kind of know how they think,
so I can ask questions maybe that
others might not ask
because I know what's going on in
their brain, Michael Fabricant.
Wow, that must be quite an insight.
It's a horrifying insight.
LAUGHTER
Iain, you're on 34,
which means if you can score 65 or
less, you are through to Round Two.
So, we're revealing a fraction
of these flags.
Can you identify these flags from
that tiny quarter?
What are you going to go for?
Norway. Norway, says Iain.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said Norway. Here is your red line.
Norway is right.
And you are through.
44.
APPLAUSE
Takes your total up to 78.
I knew someone would go
for the Norway option at some point.
I think that may be the one,
a lot of people get that mixed up
with the Danish flag,
the Norwegian flag there.
Thank you very much indeed.
Now, Martin, welcome.
Great to have you here.
Can I ask you about your white suit?
The white suit is
a superstition thing.
It keeps me alive in
dangerous places.
Oh, really? Like Pointless.
When did you start wearing
the white suit?
After the '91 Gulf War, in which
I was embedded with the cavalry,
and it's stood me in good
stead more or less ever since.
And when you decided to
run for Tatton, you did so, I think,
with about 24 days' notice. I think
it was something like that.
You announced to the BBC that
you would be standing.
What was the reaction amongst your
BBC colleagues? Did they support it?
It was one of extreme dismay,
and they were absolutely convinced
I was going to lose.
And so was I, but I didn't.
Very good.
OK, now, Martin, you're on 12 -
fabulous low score from Michael
in the first pass.
87 or less gets you
into the next round.
What would you like to go for?
There is one country here, which has
a national anthem and no words,
because they can't agree
on the words, and that is Bosnia,
and that's down the bottom right.
OK, Bosnia.
Let's see if that is right.
Let's see how
many of our 100 people said it.
Here is your red line.
It's right and you're through.
Very well done.
Down it goes to six. Very well
done on the third podium there.
It takes your total up to 18.
Brilliant.
APPLAUSE
I knew you'd go for Bosnia. I just
knew it. Yeah, Bosnia-Herzegovina.
The triangle on the flag is the
rough shape
of the country of Bosnia. Very nice.
Thank you very much indeed.
OK, so, Ayesha.
So, you are a stand-up comedian now,
rather than before you
went into politics.
Did you not do comedy before you
went into politics as well?
I did do a bit of comedy beforehand,
which is very good training,
and it was a natural career
progression.
They were like, why don't you join
the Labour Party and be an adviser?
I was like, that's a great idea.
Who's the tougher crowd?
This one.
Really? No.
Actually, the House of Commons
chamber can be
quite a raucous place.
There's kind of similarities
because if you're doing the late
gig at a comedy club,
there's lots of heckling,
lots of noise, of course that's
exactly what the chamber can be like
during Prime Minister's Questions.
Very good. OK, now, there you are,
Ayesha, on 35.
64 or less is what
you need to get through.
Is there anything left on that board
you like the look of? I don't know.
I'm terrible at flags,
but I'm going to go for...
Switzerland.
OK, Switzerland, says Ayesha.
Let's find out if it's right,
let's see how many of our 100 people
said Switzerland.
There's your red line.
Switzerland is right,
and you're through.
Just.
60, taking your total up to 95.
APPLAUSE
Well played, Ayesha, yeah.
It's the only square flag
in the world, Switzerland.
Thank you.
Now, Rachel. Well...
This could be a double. Yeah. Wow.
Rachel, before we dive into that,
I want to know,
when you were growing up,
what was the decibel level like
around your dining room table?
LAUGHTER
Well, what used to happen was,
my father used to put on the radio
if it got too noisy.
Or we'd have quizzes.
This is why, presumably, I'm going
to be out first, because I...
One member of my family used to
get all the answers right.
Well, did flags ever come
up in those quizzes?
Well, you see, I lived in Brussels,
which is really embarrassing,
and I went to the European school,
but I still don't recognise a flag,
barely recognise my own flag.
Do you fancy talking us through them
and maybe...
RACHEL LAUGHS
Well, I...
I think... This isn't my answer.
OK. Spain... Is there. ..is there.
And I think Belgium is there. And I
think possibly Luxembourg is there.
I really don't know,
but I'm going to say Luxembourg.
Luxembourg, says Rachel. Good call.
No red line for you, as I'm afraid
you're the high-scorers,
but let's see what happens
when we say Luxembourg.
Oh, well. Historic.
Listen, it was a bold answer.
It scored 100 points.
Takes your total up to 200.
Our newest 200 Club members.
It's a way to go, isn't it? Exactly.
Taking one for the team there.
Also, it's good to go for a risk,
if you're know you're
going to go out.
Red, white and blue horizontal
stripes, Luxembourg.
Let's take a look through
all of these, shall we?
Xander, how are you on this one?
Top left?
That's Greece, I know that one.
Greece, 53. The next one along?
No idea. That's where Rachel used to
live. Belgium.
I said Belgium!
Yeah, you said that.
That would have scored 37.
One of the best scorers, top right.
Err...
Estonia.
Yeah, Estonia would have
scored you seven.
Now, this next one down, similar to
Luxembourg.
Liechtenstein,
would have scored five points.
Next one down... Cha, da-da-da...
La-la-la.
That's an arrow and there's a white
bit at the top
and a red bit at the bottom.
Czech Republic or Czechia.
Oh, I see! Oh, look.
Yeah, that's cleverly hidden away,
isn't it? Oh, yes. Four points.
Best answer on the board. Next one.
This one I know.
Cyprus. Cyprus. It's got the country
on the flag there, which is cool.
14 points for that. Next one along?
It could be Germany. Yeah, Germany.
Germany is right, yeah. 50 points
for Germany.
Bottom left? France.
I'm getting the swing of this now.
It is France.
It's quite a low score, though.
28 points for that. Then? Spain.
Spain, 61. And...
TOGETHER: Sweden. Sweden.
63 points for Sweden.
The best answer on the board
is Czechia.
Well done if you said Czechia.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
And that brings us to the
end of our first round which means
we have to say goodbye
to our first pair.
Rachel and Camilla, I'm so sorry.
We've had a great day.
You knew Liechtenstein.
I'm afraid that's
the curse of the first podium.
Too late, unfortunately. But thank
you for having us. Thank you.
Please come back and play again.
It's been lovely having you here.
Rachel and Camilla.
But for the remaining three pairs
it's now time for Round Two.
APPLAUSE
There we are. Down to three pairs,
and into our second round.
Well, you've all covered
yourselves in glory after a fashion,
but Michael and Martin particularly
wrapped themselves in that flag.
That was fantastic play there.
Best of luck to all three pairs.
Our category for Round Two this
evening is...
Can you all decide in your pairs
who's going to go first, who's going
to go second, and whoever's going
first, please step up to the podium.
And the question concerns...
Richard. We're going to show you six
descriptions on each board
of people who got
a new job in 2019.
We'll show you their initials
as well. But who are they, please?
Thank you very much indeed.
So, we are looking for these people,
who all got a new job in 2019.
And here's the first board of six.
I'm going to read those all again.
There we are. John.
OK, I've got an advantage going
first here because I can pick
an answer, which is going to be
extremely obvious to everyone
on the platform,
but may be less so to people,
the hundred people you asked,
so I'm going to say Lindsay Hoyle,
the new Speaker.
Lindsay Hoyle, the new Speaker.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said Lindsay Hoyle.
It's a correct answer, and I suspect
it will be a nice low-scorer.
Down it goes to 13.
Very well done indeed, John.
Cracking start to the round.
13 for Lindsay Hoyle.
APPLAUSE
And you've summed it up beautifully,
John.
On any normal Pointless,
that's the one everyone's avoiding.
And on this one, it's the one
everyone wanted.
The 158th Speaker.
The 159th will be Alexa.
LAUGHTER
Thank you very much indeed,
Richard. Martin.
The former BBC newsreader who joined
Classic FM as the morning
news presenter was Moira Stuart.
Moira Stuart says Martin.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said Moira Stuart.
Moira Stuart is absolutely right.
13 is the only score
we have at the moment.
Oh, look at that, down to nine.
Very well done indeed, Martin.
Nine for Moira Stuart.
APPLAUSE
Well played, Martin. We love Moira
Stuart, don't we? We do love Moira.
We once had a pair who won
the Pointless jackpot called Moira
and Stuart. We did, yeah.
It was lovely.
That was nice. Yeah. Yes.
Never had that with Angela
and Rippon, have we? No.
Or Leeming and Jan.
Thank you very much indeed.
Now, Iain.
This board's all yours.
Do you want to fill in all the
blanks for us?
I was going to pick Moira Stuart,
but I'm going to have to
go for Andrew Flintoff.
OK, Andrew Flintoff, says Iain.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said Andrew Flintoff.
It's right. 30 is the high score.
Nine is the low.
33 for Andrew Flintoff.
APPLAUSE
How are you on the rest of these?
The comedian and writer?
They filmed it here?
Oh, oh, lovely Tom Allen!
Tom Allen, yeah, absolutely.
He would have scored 12 points.
Well done if you said that.
We'll leave JT because it's the best
answer on the board.
The new Poet Laureate?
Simon Armitage.
Simon Armitage would have
scored you two.
And the head coach of the English
netball team is
Jess Thirlby.
It's a pointless answer,
so very well done if you said that.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Well,
we're halfway through the round.
Let's just look at those
scores again.
Well done, Michael and Martin.
Once again in pole position
halfway through the round.
13's where we find John and Ayesha.
Then up to 33 where we find
Iain and Jacqui.
Jacqui, you get the new board.
Use it wisely.
Find a nice, low-scoring answer
there. Don't go too easy. OK.
We're going to come
back down the line now.
Will the second players please
step up to the podium.
OK, let's put six more people who
took on a new job in 2019.
And here they are. We've got...
I'll read those clues again.
There we are. Jacqui...
JACQUI SIGHS
Yeah.
Er, Christine Lagarde.
Christine Lagarde.
French lawyer and politician.
OK, Christine Lagarde -
let's see how many of our 100 people
said Christine Lagarde.
No red line for you at this stage,
as you're the high scorers.
Christine Lagarde is
absolutely right.
And down it goes,
look at that, down to five.
Exactly what we needed from you,
very well done indeed!
Takes your total up to 38.
APPLAUSE
Well played, Jacqui, nicely done,
formerly the managing director
of the International Monetary Fund.
And as a teenager, she was a member
of the French synchronised
swimming team.
You can... Her nose, yes,
you can see the clip marks.
Still there, to this day. Yes.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Now, Michael, you're on nine - 28 or
less gets you into the next round.
I can truly say I haven't a clue.
I would have just about got
Christine Lagarde,
but the others,
I...mean nothing to me.
I mean, the best you can do,
I guess, is look at one you
might vaguely know a name from
and just use the initials, I'd say.
Mike Murray, I don't know, MM.
Mike Murray! On Strictly! Excellent.
Here is your red line, Michael.
Mike Murray, let's find
out if that's right.
Me-mee! I'm afraid not.
Mike Murray scores you 100 points,
takes your total up to 109.
The round is not yet over, though.
Sorry, Michael.
Yeah, but Mike Murray
is Bruno Tonioli's real name. So...
LAUGHTER
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Now, then, Ayesha, - all these
people started new jobs in 2019,
but who are they? Do you fancy
talking us through this board?
Erm, Frank Lampard,
as the former player appointed
to the manager of Chelsea FC.
Or Captain Marvel, Brie Larson?
Is that going to be your answer?
Brie Larson? Yep. Brie Larson.
Here is your red line -
nice and high, if you can get
below that with Brie Larson,
you're into the Head-to-Head.
How many of our 100 said
Brie Larson? Is it right?
It is Brie Larson!
Very well done indeed. Oh, God!
Through you go to the Head-to-Head.
AUDIENCE: Oooh...!
Down to nine. Oh, my gosh!
Fantastic,
takes your total up to 22.
Yeah, very well played, Ayesha.
Frank Lampard is the former player
appointed manager of Chelsea,
would have scored
you 33 points for that.
Now, the South African-born
dancer is not Mike Murray.
It's Motsi Mabuse -
Oti Mabuse's sister.
She would have scored you 13.
The TV presenter?
Emma Willis. Emma Willis, yeah.
She would have scored 14.
And the best answer is
the judge at the bottom there,
and it was Philip Sales.
Well done if you said that,
it's a pointless answer.
Thank you very much indeed.
So, at the end of our second round,
the pair who are heading home
with our high score of 109, Michael
and Martin, I'm afraid it's you.
Sorry about that. I mean, right up
there, you went off a
cliff edge there.
You were our low scorers again
and again and then, I'm afraid...
I honestly didn't have a clue
that round, it was...horrific!
Well, there we are, anyway, well,
thank you for coming to play,
Michael and Martin, very well done!
But for our two remaining pairs,
it is now time for our Head-to-Head.
Congratulations, Iain and Jacqui,
John and Ayesha,
you're now one
step closer to the final and a
chance to play for our jackpot,
for your charities.
Our jackpot currently
is standing at £2,500.
APPLAUSE
Well, we have to decide who's
going to go through to the final
and play for that jackpot, and we
do it by making you go head-to-head.
But the difference is, you're
now allowed to confer! Hooray. Yay!
Ah, that's going to make
a world of difference!
First pair to win two questions
will be playing for that jackpot.
Best of luck to both pairs,
let's play the Head-to-Head.
Here is your first question.
And it concerns...
Richard? I'm going to show you five
pictures now of items that you might
find at a Japanese restaurant.
We'll show you alternative
letters of their names as well,
but what are they, please?
Thank you very much indeed.
Let's reveal our fight foodstuffs
from Japan, and here they are...
There we are. Five things you might
find in a Japanese restaurant.
Iain and Jacqui, you're our golden
couple, so you get to go first.
Feel free to confer.
All my friends will
be laughing their heads off,
because I have never been
to a Japanese restaurant,
and I have no intention
of ever going to one. So, Jacqui...!
Erm...
Er...
..B, yakitori.
Yakitori, say Iain and Jacqui.
Now, then, John and Ayesha,
do you want to talk us
through the rest of that board?
Go for it, Ayesha. Erm...
..D, udon noodles?
C, sushi.
A, tempura prawn?
What are you going to go for?
Udon noodles.
OK, D, udon noodles.
So, we have yakatori
and we have udon noodles.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said yakitori for B.
There we are, 15 for yakitori.
APPLAUSE
John and Ayesha, meanwhile,
have gone for udon noodles for D.
Let's see how many about 100 people
said udon noodles.
It's right.
Down it goes to 33.
Which means, well done, Iain
and Jacqui, or more specifically,
Jacqui, after one question,
you are up 1-0.
Yeah, two very good
answers there, there is
one killer answer up there
which we'll get to last.
Tempura prawns would have
scored you...
48.
And the biggest scorer of all,
sushi...
..would have scored you 74.
Do you know this last one? No.
They're salted Japanese plums.
Oh, they sound even more delicious
than they look! Don't they just?
They are called umeboshi.
Very well done
if you said that at home,
it would have scored one point.
Thank you very much indeed.
OK now, here comes
your second question.
John and Ayesha,
you get to answer it first.
You also have to win this one to
stay in the game, so, best of luck.
Our second question this
evening is all about...
Richard. We're going to show you the
titles and authors of
five novels now,
but we've missed a
word out of each title,
and that word is the surname
of a British prime minister.
So, who are these prime ministers,
please? Thank you very much indeed.
So, let's reveal our books
with missing prime ministers
from their titles.
And we've got...
There we are. John
and Ayesha will go first.
Can you see a brilliant one? The
obvious one is Darling Buds Of May.
THEY WHISPER
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah?
OK, we're going to
go for...East Of Eden.
Eden, Eden, say John and Ayesha.
Now, Iain and Jacqui,
how much of that board do you
think you can fill in?
Well, it's obviously, this is not an
answer, but the Darling Buds Of May.
Man In The Brown Suit - I don't
know any of the others, do you? No.
No. So, Man In The Brown Suit?
Yeah. Yeah? Man In The Brown Suit.
The Man In The Brown Suit.
So, we have Eden and we have Brown.
John and Ayesha
went for East Of Eden,
let's see how many of our 100 people
said that, East Of Eden?
Down it goes to 46.
APPLAUSE
Iain and Jacqui, meanwhile, have
gone for The Man In The Brown Suit.
Let's see if that's right, Brown -
how many of our 100 said that?
Brown is right.
And it wins you the point.
Very well done indeed, down to 14.
Particularly well done, because that
means, after only two questions,
you're straight through
to the final, 2-0.
Yes, very nicely done, very well
played, Man In The Brown Suit,
Gordon Brown, of course,
and Anthony Eden there.
Darling Buds Of May,
you were quite right about it -
right to avoid it as well,
because it would have scored 83.
Do you know the Mark Twain one?
Pudd'nhead Lord North.
It was not Pudd'nhead Lord North
or Lloyd George...or Canning. Erm...
..I don't know. Pudd'nhead...
Labour prime minister?
Blair. Not Blair.
Pudd'nhead... Callaghan. Wilson?
Wilson? Wilson is the right answer.
Pudd'nhead Wilson
would have scored you two.
Now, this bottom one is a pointless
answer, and when you hear it,
you sort of go, OK,
this sounds like a place name.
Enbury...
Enbury... Tory prime minister?
North? Cameron. Not Cameron.
Sounds like a place?
Sounds like a place.
Enbury Heath!
Enbury Heath, is the answer,
and it's a pointless answer as well,
so, very well done if you said that.
Very good.
Er, thank you very much indeed,
Richard.
So, the pair leaving us at the end
of the Head-to-Head round,
John and Ayesha, I'm afraid
it's you, you've been brilliant,
though,
you've played incredibly well,
and yes, right through to the
Head-to-Head, unblemished pointless
record, you just didn't make it
through to the final, so you'll have
to come back and see if you can win
a pointless trophy next time.
Thank you. But thank you very much
for playing, John and Ayesha,
wonderful.
But for Iain and Jacqui, it's now
time for our Pointless Final.
Congratulations, Iain and Jacqui,
you have fought off all
the competition and you have
won our coveted Pointless trophy.
You now have a chance
to win our pointless
jackpot for your charities,
and at the end of today's show,
the jackpot is standing at £2,500.
APPLAUSE
Well, very well done indeed,
slow and steady wins the game.
2-0 in the Head-to-Head -
no arguing with that.
Quite often, that sets up
a nice win in the last round.
But, of course,
it all hinges on what
we put up on the board behind me.
What would you like to see come up,
what subjects would you like,
Jacqui, you first? Not flags.
No, not flags! Boybands
of the 1980s for Jacqui. Yeah, yeah.
And you, in fact.
Ooh, hoo-hoo!
Boybands. Yeah. OK, anything else?
Eurovision?
Eurovision, I could
happily cope with,
the history of West Ham United,
erm... OK.
A lot of pointless answers! Yeah!
OK, well, let's find out.
The choices this evening are...
What do we think?
We're too young for the year 1968.
Could we...?
Erm... Just.
What sort of things...?
Erm, I don't know anything
about the London marathon.
No, I don't know
anything about the London marathon.
I think it's Verbs or
Musical Dads And Daughters.
I think it's Musical Dads And
daughters. Do you? I mean, it's...
What does Verbs...mean?
What do verbs do? I did do...
I did do a degree in
German and linguistics,
so linguistics ought to help,
but it was a long time ago.
Not quite as far as 1968, but...
Erm...
It's Verbs or Musical Dads
And Daughters, isn't it?
Verbs. Verbs. I would have gone
for Musical Dads And Daughters.
LAUGHTER
Verbs, it is.
This is a words round,
we're looking for any word
in the English language
that fits the following criteria.
We're looking for any verb
which ends...
It has to have its own
entry in the World English
section of
Premium Oxford Dictionaries.
No acronyms, no proper nouns,
anything like that,
no hyphenated words, just any
verbs ending ACH, ACK or ACT,
and the very best of luck.
Thank you very much indeed.
Now, you've got up to a minute
to come up with three answers.
All you need to win that jackpot
is for just one of your answers
to be pointless.
Now, you don't have to answer all
three, unless you badly want to.
You can focus on whichever ones
you like, that's how it works.
Are you ready?
We're ready. Excellent.
Let's put 60 seconds
up on the clock.
Your time starts now.
Beach would be the first one -
what do you think for the...
..second one? Interact?
Back, sack or crack?!
Erm... Interact?
Interact...
Exact. Exact is a verb, actually.
Exact.
Exact is a verb, I think,
for the last one? Yes... Is it?
Yeah, to exact, I think it is.
Yeah? Yeah. OK.
OK, pick that. Something long?
I can't think, something...
To jack? To jack? Yeah, yeah.
THEY LAUGH
OK, right. We're there. No, no.
We've got 27 seconds yet!
Don't be so...
"More haste, less speed."
That's what my mum always said.
To jack... But no notice. Um...
To slack?
Yeah, we want... Ten seconds left.
Would did we say for the last one?
We said interact,
but I think jack's better.
Beach... Interact, beach and jack.
But is there any...?
OK, that is your time up.
Yeah, what three answers
can you give me?
Beach. Beach.
To interact. Interact.
And...? To jack. To jack? Yeah.
OK. Of those three, which is your
best shot at a pointless answer,
do you think?
Beach. Beach goes last.
Least likely to be pointless?
Interact, I would say.
Interact. Interact. Yeah.
Then jack goes in the middle.
Well, let's put those answers up
on the board in that order,
and here they are. We've got...
Well, very, very best of luck.
Three answers there.
Only one of them has to be pointless
to win that jackpot
for your charities.
Which charities are you playing for?
Iain, I'm going to ask you first.
I am playing for
the ManKind Initiative,
which is a small charity which helps
male victims of domestic violence,
because one in four victims
of domestic violence,
believe it or not, is a man.
OK. Jacqui?
And I'm playing for the Jo Cox
Foundation, of which I'm chair,
and obviously Jo was
a former colleague - much missed -
but her values
live on in the foundation.
APPLAUSE
Two wonderful charities there.
Let's hope one of these answers wins
that jackpot for your charities.
Your first answer was interact.
In all cases,
we're looking for verbs
that end in either
ACT, ACK or ACH.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
went for interact.
For £2,500.
Interact is right.
It just has to go
all the way down to zero now
for your charities
to win that jackpot of £2,500.
Down we...!
Ooh, 9 for interact.
APPLAUSE
Single figures.
But not a pointless answer.
Let's turn to jack.
Jack. And, again, we're looking for
verbs - ending in ACK in this case.
For £2,500,
how many of our 100 said jack?
Well, interact took us down to 9.
Jack now takes us down through
the teens, into single figures.
Still going. Ooh, 7.
BOTH: Oh!
Seven for jack.
We now turn to your third
and final answer.
This is the one you thought
was probably your best shot
at a pointless answer.
Again, it's verbs ending ACH.
Beach, you've gone for,
as in to beach a whale.
Actually, you'd never beach a whale.
A whale beaches itself, I fear.
Or gets beached, anyway. Um...
I'll get on with it.
LAUGHTER
To win the jackpot of £2,500,
beach has to be a pointless answer.
How many of our 100 people
said beach?
It's right. Again, three correct
answers, as we would have hoped.
Your first answer, interact,
took us down to 9.
Your second answer, jack, took us
down to 7. Now we go with beach,
down to 6! Oh!
APPLAUSE
Bad luck. Well done.
Well...
..three lovely single-score answers,
and, best of all, you put them
immaculately in the right order.
Unfortunately,
you didn't manage to find
the important pointless answer,
so I'm afraid you don't win
today's jackpot.
However, as it's a celerity special,
we're going to donate £500
to each pair
for their respective charities.
So very well done. It's been lovely
having you on the show.
Thank you so much for playing,
Iain and Jacqui.
And you get a Pointless trophy
each as well.
Richard.
Yeah, very well played.
A tough show to win,
and you did it in some style.
Now, that 60 seconds
is never enough.
I'm going to show you
a load of words you know here,
but that time
just passes by so quickly.
At home, let's see if you've got any
of these. So we'll start with ACH.
All of these were pointless answers,
would have won you the money.
You could have had... Approach,
was a pointless answer. Was it?!
Attach was a pointless answer.
Broach. Outreach as well.
Reapproach and reattach.
All of those were pointless answers.
Seems like more all of those
were more common...
We'll go on to ACK. Some nice words
here. You could have had...
You could have had bushwhack.
You went for jack.
You could have had carjack, that
would have been a pointless answer,
as would skyjack.
Both of those are pointless answers.
Gobsmack is a pointless answer
as well. And the final ones are...
You could have had abstract,
counteract, diffract,
overreact, putrefact.
That's a nice... Nice.
..place to finish, isn't it?
Very well done if you got
a pointless answer at home.
Think that was pretty tough.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
And thank you, Iain and Jacqui,
we've loved having you on the show.
Please come and play again.
Iain and Jacqui!
Join us next time, when we'll be
putting more obscure knowledge to
the test on Pointless Celebrities.
Meanwhile, it's goodbye
from Richard... Goodbye!
..and it's goodbye from me.
Goodbye.