Pointless Celebrities (2010–…): Season 13, Episode 16 - Sitcoms - full transcript
A special celebrity Sitcoms edition of the general knowledge quiz in which four teams try to come up with the answers that no-one else could think of. Presented by Alexander Armstrong and co-host Richard Osman.
APPLAUSE
Thank you very much indeed.
Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong.
A very warm welcome to this special
sitcom edition of Pointless Celebrities,
the quiz where the aim of the game is to find
the most obscure answer possible.
Let's meet this evening's
Pointless celebrities.
And couple number one.
My name's Jeremy Gittins and I play
the vicar in Keeping Up Appearances.
My name is Judy Cornwell
and I played Daisy
in Keeping Up Appearances.
Couple number two.
I'm Tim Healy and I play
Gastric in Still Open All Hours.
Hi, I'm Maggie Ollerenshaw and I
play Mavis in Still Open All Hours.
Couple number three.
Hi, I'm Tom Basden.
I play Matt in After Life.
And I'm Kerry Godliman
and I play Lisa in After Life.
And finally, couple number four.
My name's Mina Anwar and I played
PC Maggie Habib on The Thin Blue Line.
My name's Serena Evans and I played
Desk Sergeant Patricia Dawkins in The Thin Blue Line.
APPLAUSE
Thank you all very much.
Welcome to Pointless,
lovely to have you with us.
We'll get to chat further throughout
the show as it goes along.
So that just leaves one
more person for me to introduce,
the Ross to my Rachel,
the Tom to my Barbara,
the Rodney to my Cassandra,
it's my Pointless friend,
it's Richard.
Hiya. Hey, everybody. Good evening.
Good evening, sir. Good evening.
This will be fun. Listen,
before the show we always walk along
and talk to the contestants.
This is the first time ever I think
every single pair has said,
"We are definitely getting
knocked out in Round One."
You can't all get knocked out.
I don't know how that would happen.
Two people have been on before.
Kerry was on before,
was knocked out in Round Two.
Mina also been on before,
knocked out in Round Two as well.
I have to say, you know
how much I love television.
I talk about it a lot,
I'm a huge fan of TV.
The show that made me
fall in love with television
for the first time
was Auf Wiedersehen, Pet,
so to share a studio with Tim Healy,
an absolute treat, Tim.
God bless you, thank you.
I'm not saying I want you to win.
No, no. But it'd be nice.
No chance of that, pal!
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
As usual, all of today's
questions have been put
to 100 people before the show,
but our contestants here
are looking for those
all-important pointless answers.
These are answers that
none of our 100 people gave.
Find one of those and we will add
250 quid to the jackpot.
Today's show is a celebrity special
so each of our celebrities
is playing for a nominated charity,
so for that reason we start with
an augmented jackpot of £2,500.
There we are.
APPLAUSE
Right, if everyone's ready,
let's play Pointless.
Now, normal rules apply.
It will always be the pair with the
highest score at the end of each
round that gets eliminated,
so keep your scores as low
as you possibly can.
Best of luck to all four pairs.
Our first category
this evening is...
Would you all like to decide
who wants to go first,
who's going to go second,
and whoever's going first,
please step up to the podium.
Let's find out what the question is.
Here it comes.
We gave 100 people 100 seconds
to name as many...
..as they could. Richard.
Yeah, we're looking for any word
that you can get by changing
just one of those letters,
so you can change the B if you want,
or the A, or the R or the K.
Just change one of those letters
to create a new word, please.
That word has to be in the British
and World English section
of Premium Oxford Dictionaries.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Jeremy, welcome to Pointless.
Great to have you here.
Keeping Up Appearances,
that was one of those sitcoms
that everybody held close,
people really, truly loved that.
What do you put
the success of that show down to?
Well, I think a lot of people
could identify with a character
like Hyacinth, and I think that's
fairly international as well.
It's all over the world,
it seems that they have
their fair share of Hyacinths.
Wonderful. Now, Jeremy,
what are you going to go for here?
I'm going to go for the word LARK.
LARK. Oh, that was Judy's word,
by the looks of things.
It was too!
LARK, says Jeremy. Let's see how
many of our 100 people said LARK.
LARK is right.
Down it goes, 66.
66, good solid start.
It means all sorts of things,
a ground-dwelling songbird.
Ground-dwelling songbird,
but you can never see them,
you only hear them.
I don't know what they look like,
never seen them. Larks?
Yeah. Enormous, about 40 foot high.
Seriously? Terrifying. They're so
far away. Absolutely terrifying.
Claws of steel. There you go, nice.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
OK, Maggie. Yes.
Maggie, welcome. Thank you.
Now, you are one of only three
people who were in Open All Hours
and Still Open All Hours.
Correct. So when did
Open All Hours start?
When was the beginning
of Open All Hours?
It was in the '80s, some time.
I'm imagining sitcoms changed
a lot over that period.
Apart from anything else, just the
making of them will have changed.
What are the most notable
differences?
The most notable differences are
that we now rehearse record it all
rather than doing it
in front of a studio audience.
So is it no longer in front
of a studio audience? No.
No? Anyway, Maggie,
what are you going to go for?
Here's our lovely word, BARK.
I'm going to go for BASK.
Nice, very nice.
Let's see how many of
our 100 people said BASK.
It's right,
66 is the only score we have
and you pass that.
Down it goes to 15.
Very well done indeed, Maggie.
A bit of basking in order,
I think, over there. 15 for BASK.
That's a terrific answer, Maggie,
very well played.
BASK, it's part of Spain.
Thank you very much indeed. Tom!
Tom, you are most welcome.
Thanks, thank you.
Now one of the things
I happen to know about making
a Ricky Gervais,
any Ricky Gervais project,
because obviously After Life,
is Ricky likes to...
He doesn't like to work very late.
Doesn't like to work
long after lunch.
I think that's the thing
most people seem to know about
all of his shows, that we do
wrap fairly early. I love that.
It's fantastic. The filming day
starts incredibly early,
punishingly. Sometimes you're up
at sort of 6:30, or even earlier..
It's almost like
a proper job sometimes.
OK, Tom, right, BARK, what are
you going to make of that?
So I'm going to go for BARE -
B-A-R-E.
BARE, says Tom. OK, let's see how
many of our 100 people said BARE.
BARE is right.
66 the high score, we pass that.
34 is where we end up with BARE.
This is the part of the show where
I'm supposed to define BARE
as if people don't know it.
I think people know
what BARE means.
Nekkid. Yes.
Nekkid. Yes.
You're quite right. Thank you.
Now, Serena, welcome to Pointless.
Thank you. Great to have you here.
I shared my very first comedy line
on television with you.
Isn't that amazing? I know!
That really is exciting,
on The Thin Blue Line.
Were you in Thin Blue Line?
Yeah. For one episode.
What did you have to say?
I played someone called Toff
in Dinner Jacket. Can you imagine?
Talk about range. Amazing!
Why on Earth did they cast you?
I don't know!
Anyway, I had this line
where I had to say,
"Do you know who my father is?"
Oh, yes! And then you said,
"I can't help with that,
have you tried asking your mother?"
Ka-pow!
Anyway, thank you, Serena.
It's a killer.
What a lovely start it was for me.
Now, what are you going to go for?
We've got BARK here.
I'm going to go for BARD.
Oh, very good. Very good.
Let's see how many
of our 100 people said BARD.
Down it goes.
To 20. Very well done indeed.
No-one yet troubling Maggie's low
score of 15 but that's pretty close.
That's perfect for a roomful
of actors as well, of course,
because they are so often
barred from pubs.
Immortally! Yeah. Thank you
very much indeed, Richard.
Well, we're halfway
through the round.
Let's just have
a little recap of those scores.
15, as I mentioned
just a second ago, is where
we find Maggie and Tim.
Then up to 20,
where we find Serena and Mina,
then up to 34,
where we find Tom and Kerry,
then 66, where
we find Jeremy and Judy.
Judy, you've got a little while now
to come up with
an absolutely ace answer.
Very best of luck with that, Judy.
We're going to come back
down the line now.
Will the second players
please step up to the podium?
Now, then, Mina. Hello.
Welcome back.
I want to talk about
The Dolly Mixtures. Yes.
This is you directing
and choreographing.
I did that up at Customs House
in South Shields.
It's a true story about women
who raised over £500,000
for Cancer Research
and five of them are still alive,
by becoming turns in the working
men's clubs in the north-east
when there were no men at all
and none of them were performers.
So I did the choreography for it
a few years back
and then they asked me
to come back and direct it
and do the choreography, so it was
an absolute honour. Excellent.
Now, Mina, you are on 20.
Let's see if we can get a lovely low
scoring answer from you for this.
BARK. 45 or less at this stage
keeps you in the game.
I'm going to go for MARK.
MARK, says Mina.
OK, here is your red line.
Let's see how far down the column
we get with MARK.
There we are, gets you through.
There you are, 40,
taking your total up to 60.
You are in Round Two.
I mean, that's got so many different
definitions, MARK.
It can mean "to mark," or "a mark,"
"I am marking," "You are marking,"
"She has marked."
Thank you. So Kerry,
welcome to Pointless.
After Life, how was that filmed?
That's obviously single-camera,
that's not a multi-camera
audience show, is it?
No, and for me it was quite
isolating because I was on my own.
Well, I was going to say! Yeah.
You were there for the read-through
presumably. I was there for the
read-through and then I said goodbye
to everyone, I'll see you at
the wrap party. And that was it?
Yeah... We had some scenes together.
Yeah, we did this time,
we did some scenes together.
Because you complained
about last time?
Yeah, it was like, "Please
let me play with my friends."
Wangle it so that I can actually,
yes, as a dead person,
spend some time
with the living. Good.
Now, Kerry, you're on 34.
31 or less gets you into Round Two.
I'm going to say BANK.
OK. BANK. Here is your red line.
Let's see if we can get below that
with BANK. Oh, no!
It's fine.
Look at that, it's fine,
you're through.
29 for BANK, that's amazing,
taking your total up to 63.
Could you eliminate that
from your mind?
That's the first time someone said
bank on a quiz show
since Weakest Link!
Very nice. Thanks.
There we go, Tim Healy.
Welcome to Pointless. How lovely
to have you here. Nice to be here.
Now, you started out as
an apprentice welder. I did.
How did you get from there
to acting? What was the route?
Well, to be honest with you, I hated
welding, I didn't like it at all.
My father introduced me to acting,
cos he was an amateur actor,
when I was 11. And all I wanted
to be was an actor
and I got really bored with welding
so I joined the Parachute Regiment,
4 Para,
the TA army, and I got my wings up
and stuff and I got really confident
and I just thought, that's it,
and I threw the gear down
and I went to college
and did drama for a year.
Wow. And then from there I founded a
live theatre company in Newcastle.
Fantastic. Tim, you are on 15,
a fabulous low score from Maggie,
which means if you can score 50,
50 or less, you're through.
NARK.
That is the one I was wanting
to go for. NARK.
Let's see if it's right.
Here is your red line,
exactly in the middle, in fact.
Let's see how many of
our 100 people said NARK.
It's right.
You are through and I think
this will go a long way down.
Down it goes to 11.
Very well done indeed.
Lowest score of the round, Tim.
26 your total. Terrific answer,
Tim, well played.
Police informer, a nark,
or in the states it can mean
a narcotics officer.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Judy, welcome.
Judy, it's lovely to have you here.
Over your career of acting,
all the various things you've done,
what's the thing
that really stands out?
I think the play
that got us the Emmy
and took it away from the Americans
was Call Me Daddy, which was
a two-hander with Donald Pleasence
and myself, producer Leonard White,
but also, I was a dancer
and a singer to start with.
I also always wrote things
and I've had four novels published
and an autobiography,
which is called
Adventures of a Jelly Baby.
Excellent!
Judy, what are you going to go for?
So changing one of those four
letters and making a new word,
that's what we're asking you to do.
HARK. HARK! Yes. How lovely.
HARK. I'm afraid there's no red line
for you because you are
the high scorers at the moment
but let's see what happens
when we say HARK.
HARK is right.
And down it goes to 40.
Takes your total up to 106.
Now, there's only one
pointless answer on this
but I'll take you through
some of the lower scorers as well.
The best answer we had was NARK
so I'll take you through everything
that scored fewer points than NARK.
BARB would have scored you
seven points, been a nice one.
Five points for BARF, as in
to throw up, to barf. B-A-R-F.
BARM would have scored you three,
a bap or a floury roll.
You'd have got one for BORK -
B-O-R-K - and CARK - C-A-R-K.
There's one pointless answer.
Essentially you change the B.
It's a New Zealand word
which means to annoy somebody,
it is RARK.
R-A-R-K is a pointless answer.
Very well done to any non-New
Zealanders who got that at home.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Well, we are at the end of
our first round, which means, as is
traditional, we have to say goodbye
to one of our pairs
and I'm so sorry, Judy and Jeremy,
you are that pair.
It's been so lovely having you here.
Thank you so much for coming
to play. Come and play again.
Judy and Jeremy,
brilliant. Thanks very much.
But for the remaining three pairs,
it's now time for Round Two.
There we are,
suddenly down to three pairs.
Tim, lowest individual scorer there.
Tim and Maggie, lowest combined
scorers, actually, so very well done
on that near podium.
But well done, all of you.
Lovely to have you with
us for Round Two.
Our category for Round Two
this evening, by the way, is...
Would you like to decide
who's going to go first,
who's going to go second,
and whoever's going first,
will they please step up
to the podium?
OK, and the question concerns...
Richard. On each board we're going
to show you six clues that will lead
to one of the comedians
who is on this list.
We'll also show you
their initials as well.
But who are these comedians, please?
Six on the first board,
six on the second,
12 in all to have a go at at home.
Thank you very much indeed. Let's
reveal our first board of clues
to comedians. And here they come.
I'll read those clues again.
There we are.
Maggie, over to you first.
Oh, dear.
I'm not sure that
I know any of them, actually.
Erm...
Kristen Wiig,
I'll try that, the last one.
Kristen Wiig, OK,
let's see if that is right.
Kristen Wiig. How many of our 100
people said it? Is it right?
Oh, it's right. It is right.
It's a great answer. Look at that!
Oh-oh! Down you go to four.
Very well done indeed.
Maggie, that's amazing!
Four! Well done!
That's a terrific score
for an answer given with
such little conviction!
LAUGHTER
Yeah, very, very well played.
Yeah, nominated for Best Original
Screenplay Oscar for Bridesmaids.
There we are, thank you very much
indeed. Now, Kerry.
Hm. Hm.
I'm going to go for...
..Trevor Noah.
OK, Trevor Noah. Trevor Noah.
Let's see how many
of our 100 people said that.
Four is the only score
we have at the moment.
Trevor Noah goes to six.
Very well done indeed.
That's a great score.
I'm really pleased with that.
Yeah. Trevor Noah.
APPLAUSE
There's some terrific scoring
going on in this round.
Well done, everybody.
Yeah, Trevor Noah.
Of course he presents an incredible
satirical show in the States, but
before that he came second on South
Africa's Strictly Come Dancing.
Did you know that?
Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah.
Nice. Yeah.
Thank you very much indeed.
Now, Mina... Mm.
This board's all yours.
MINA LAUGHS
Do you feel like dancing down it and
filling in all the blanks? Erm...
The top one,
I think, is Noel Fielding.
Erm...
..Sacha Baron Cohen,
I'm going to have to go...
..for Noel Fielding, I think.
Noel Fielding, says Mina.
Let's see how many of
our 100 people got that
for the ex-Mighty Boosh member.
Noel Fielding is right.
And down you go to 24.
APPLAUSE
24 for Noel. Yeah,
well played everyone, there.
He was on the list with his Mighty
Boosh partner, Julian Barratt.
Now, let's fill in
the rest of these, shall we?
Mina, you're quite right,
it's Sacha Baron Cohen. That would
have scored you more points, so you
did well to go for Noel Fielding.
That would have scored you 31.
The Travel Man presenter?
Richard Ayoade. Richard Ayoade.
He would have scored you 13.
Now, a lot of people know this guy,
but maybe the clue was harder,
because it's the best answer on
the board. Because you know him.
It's James Acaster.
It's James Acaster,
the wonderful James Acaster,
who would have scored you one. Very
well done if you said that at home.
James Acaster was
fourth on the list.
Quite right.
Thank you very much indeed.
OK, well, we're
halfway through the round.
Let's have a look at those scores.
Four, you're just unstoppable
on that near podium.
Four the lowest score of the pass,
then six, not bad at all
from Kerry and Tom.
24, Mina and Serena,
a little bit ahead there,
but Serena,
let's see what the next board holds.
Good luck with that. We're going
to come back down the line now.
Will the second players please
step up to the podium?
OK, let's put six more clues
to comedians up on the board
and here they are.
We have got...
I'll read those again for you.
There we are. Serena, over to you.
Oh, it's a bit scary.
Erm, I think I'll go for
Sharon Horgan.
OK, Sharon Horgan,
there we are, for Catastrophe.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said Sharon Horgan.
There's no red line for you
as you're currently
the highest scorers.
Sharon Horgan is right.
That's a great answer,
look at that, three!
The lowest score of the round
so far, taking your total up to 27.
Very well done indeed, Serena.
Well played, Serena.
Some terrific scoring going on.
Yeah, tenth on the list,
Sharon Horgan.
Thank you very much indeed.
Richard. Now, Tom. Yeah.
Tom, you're on six,
which means a target of 20 or less
at this stage. Mm.
Yeah, OK. I'm going to go, erm...
..I'm going with Frankie Boyle.
Frankie Boyle. Yeah.
OK, for New World Order. Yeah. Let's
see how many of our 100 people said
Frankie Boyle.
There's your red line.
Frankie Boyle's right.
There we are, through you go. 18.
20 required, 18 delivered.
24 is your total.
Yeah, well played. I'm just enjoying
the thought of Frankie Boyle
being described as former
Mock The Week panellist.
LAUGHTER
That will cheer him up.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Tim, there you are on four.
If you can score 22 or less,
you're into the head-to-head.
Do you feel like talking us
through that board? No, not really.
LAUGHTER
Well, I know two,
but I think they'll be high. Erm...
Erm...
..Bob Mortimer.
That's your answer, Bob Mortimer.
OK, the star of Gone Fishing.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said Bob Mortimer.
There's your red line.
Bob Mortimer is right.
Ooh, 27 for Bob Mortimer.
APPLAUSE
Takes your total up to 31.
That's unlucky, Tim.
You said you knew two of them.
What was the other one you might
have gone for? Steve Coogan.
Would have seen you through
to the head-to-head, Steve Coogan.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Would have scored 19 points.
Really, really unlucky.
19 for Coogan.
Now, let's fill in the other two.
The top one, the former Saturday
Night Live writer. Tina Fey.
Tina Fey. Nine points for her.
And the former Buzzcocks host.
Erm, Simon...
Simon Amstell. Amstell.
Yeah. There you go.
And he would have
scored you six points,
so the best answer on the board
there, Sharon Horgan.
Well done if you said that,
which indeed, Serena, you did.
Thank you very much indeed.
So, at the end of our second round,
the pair we have to say goodbye to,
with a high score of 31,
Tim and Maggie.
You've been just serial
low-scorers... Well...
..and you nearly
scraped through there, Tim.
Picked the wrong one, never mind.
Oh, well, never mind.
It's been lovely having you here.
Thank you so much. Please come
and play with us again.
It's been a pleasure. Yeah, thank
you. It's been a huge pleasure
for us. Tim and Maggie, everyone.
APPLAUSE
But for our two remaining pairs,
it's now time for the head-to-head.
APPLAUSE
Congratulations, Kerry
and Tom, Mina and Serena,
you are now one step closer
to the final and a chance to
play for our jackpot,
which currently stands at £2,500.
APPLAUSE
But this is where we decide
who goes through to the final
and plays for that jackpot, and we
do it by making you go head-to-head,
but the difference is you're now
allowed to play as a pair,
so you can chat before you
give your answers - which is nice.
The first pair to win two questions
will be playing for that jackpot.
Best of luck to both pairs.
Let's play the head-to-head.
APPLAUSE
Here is your first question
and it concerns...
Yeah, we're going to show you
five pictures now
of animals eating fruits -
well, not fruit and vegetables,
I'm going to say fruit
or vegetables... Oh.
..er, you know, it's not crazy.
It would be a specialist round
if they were eating fruit
and vegetables. Yes.
Listen, I don't want you to think
about the fruit and vegetables
at the moment, because
what we're really interested in
is the animals who are eating them.
Oh. Oh. OK?
I'm going to give you alternate
letters of their name as well,
the name of the species.
Not the name of the animal.
Not the name of
the individual animal.
No. OK, let's reveal
the five animals. We've got...
That's a fruit.
LAUGHTER
Wow. I think
they're all eating fruit.
LAUGHTER
OK.
Yes, Kerry and Tom,
you're our golden couple,
so you get to go first.
Mm.
Pick one. OK. Yeah.
Yes. OK.
What are we thinking?
We're going to go with squirrel
monkey. Squirrel monkey, for C.
Squirrel monkey.
Now, Mina and Serena,
it's over to you.
Do you want to talk us through the
rest of these animals eating things?
Er, no. No.
Er, I think...
We think A is a wood mouse.
B is something tortoise.
Erm, and E is orangutan.
Woodmouse...
Woodmouse, we're going to go
for A, wood mouse.
OK, wood mouse.
So we have squirrel monkey
versus wood mouse.
Kerry and Tom have gone
for squirrel monkey, for C.
Let's see how many of
our 100 people said squirrel monkey.
Squirrel monkey is absolutely right.
And down that goes to eight.
That's a great score.
Very well done indeed,
Kerry and Tom.
APPLAUSE
Good stuff.
Wood mouse is where Mina and Serena
have ended up, with A.
Let's see if it's right.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said it. Wood mouse.
Wood mouse is right.
Ooh, 45 for wood mouse.
Well done, Kerry and Tom.
After one question you're up 1-0.
Yes, squirrel monkey
is a good answer.
It's cute as well, the squirrel
monkey, isn't it? Lovely. Yes.
And they sleep huddled together
on branches with their tails
wrapped around their bodies.
Don't we all? Exactly.
D, do you know D?
Sugar... Guinea?
No, it's a...
I'll tell you it can... Sugar...
..it can fly in the air. Glider.
Sugar glider. Sugar glider! Yeah.
Would have scored you 10 points.
Well done if you said that.
The last one,
of course, is orangutan.
Look at him/her.
78 points for orangutan.
Now the best answer
is this last one.
We're usually quite good
at filling in the gaps.
You can fill in tortoise...
I've come up with... ..for sure.
Spud-thighed.
LAUGHTER
The spud-thighed tortoise.
You are not a million miles away.
Shall I tell you? Yes.
Spur-thighed tortoise. Spur-thighed.
Would have scored you three points.
Never would have got that.
That's really difficult, isn't it?
Spur-thighed tortoise. Thighed.
I was pleased with thighed.
Yeah, I couldn't work
that second word out at all.
Thank you very much indeed.
A pleasure.
OK, well, here comes
your second question.
Mina and Serena,
you get to answer it first,
but you have to win it to stay in
the game. Yeah. So best of luck.
Our second question today
is all about...
Richard. Yeah, we're going to
play you five top 40 hits now that
were co-written by Cathy Dennis.
Can you tell us who had hits
with these songs, please?
So the artist is what
we're looking for. The artists.
Who are the artists of these songs?
Here is song A.
# La, la, la
# La-la, la-la-la
# La, la, la
# La-la, la-la
# I just can't get you
out of my head
# Boy, your loving is
all I think about... #
Here's a B.
# I never had a dream come true
# Till the day that I found you
# Even though I pretend
that I've moved on
# You'll always be my baby... #
Here's C.
# Here we are
A careful distance
# Here's my heart
What's left of it
# In this town
I used to listen
# Once, once, yeah... #
Here's D.
# I kissed a girl and I liked it
# The taste of her cherry chapstick
# I kissed a girl just to try it
# I hope my boyfriend
don't mind it... #
Here's E.
# With a taste of your lips
I'm on a ride
# You're toxic
I'm slippin' under
# With a taste of a poison paradise
# I'm addicted to you
Don't you know that you're toxic? #
There we are. Five songs
co-written by Cathy Dennis.
Mina and Serena,
you get to go first.
Shall we go for that, yes?
I think it's S Club, B.
OK, B, S Club.
Mina and Serena are going with
S Club for B.
Now, Kerry and Tom, talk us
through the rest of those songs.
OK, so...the first one's Kylie.
We don't know B and C, do we?
We don't know C. D's Katy Perry.
D's Katy Perry, I Kissed A Girl.
E's Britney.
And they're all really famous.
They're all really well-known
songs, aren't they? So...
Erm... I would go Katy Perry.
No! But that's because
Britney and Kylie are massive!
Everyone knows that song, I think.
But everyone knows
the Kylie and the Britney one.
Everyone knows all of them,
that's the game.
LAUGHTER
I'm saying that's less obscure.
The Katy Perry one is better
known. I think Kylie's the...
You think Kylie's obscure? Kylie?!
Than Britney or Katy Perry,
yeah, I do.
I think Katy Perry's
more obscure than Kylie. OK.
All right. I... OK.
All right. But I don't know if
I feel that strongly about it.
LAUGHTER
I'm not going to fall out
over it but I think...
We will. We will, yeah.
Yeah, I think you will.
I think you will. I do too.
It's Kylie or Perry.
Not Britney? Do we not think? I
don't know, it's a good compromise.
OK, then.
Shall we go Toxic? OK.
They're all really famous.
Yeah. All right.
We'll go for Britney. Britney. OK.
So we have S Club
and we have Britney.
Mina and Serena
went for S Club for B.
Let's see if that is right,
let's see how many of
our 100 people said it.
It's right.
It is right. It is S Club.
Very well done indeed.
Down it goes to 26.
APPLAUSE
Meanwhile...Kerry and Tom
have gone for Britney for E.
Let's see if it's right.
Let's see how many of
our 100 people said Britney.
It's right.
And it wins the point! Down it goes
to 18. Down it goes to 18.
There we are. The Britney protocol,
works every time. Well done.
And it means, Kerry and Tom,
after only two questions,
you're straight through
to the final, 2-0.
And I'll tell you, S Club 7
are going to be happy as well,
aren't they? Yeah!
That's great name recognition.
Yeah, Britney was
a smart one to go for.
Tom, I think you wanted to go
for Kylie. Yeah.
They would've won the point
if you had.
Kylie would've scored you 34 points.
Well, well.
So you did well to go for Britney.
In fact, if you said Katy Perry,
scored even fewer points.
14 for Katy Perry. What?!
You were... Thank you!
Well, we won anyway.
We might still fall out!
Let's have a little listen
to C, shall we?
# Here we are
A careful distance
# Here's my heart... #
She came through X Factor.
ALEXANDER GASPS
Yes! The barefoot...
The girl who briefly had
a fling with the Irish guy with
lots of vowels in his name. Oh!
That's all I need.
What a terrible description.
Do you remember? Yeah.
You're thinking of Eoghan Quigg,
the Irish guy. I am, Eoghan Quigg.
They have a thing? Yes! Briefly.
I did not know that. Diana Vickers?
Diana Vickers is exactly right.
Very well done.
Well done if you said it at home,
that's a pointless answer. Wow.
What's the song called?
The song is called Once
and it was a number one.
Wow. Who knew? Yeah.
Well, nobody, it turns out.
For the record, can we just say
Toxic is an amazing song?
Amazing! Yeah, she's a good little
songwriter, isn't she? She sure is.
Kissed A Girl is a great song.
Can't Get You Out Of My Head
is a great song.
That's a great song as well,
but Toxic...
ALEXANDER HUMS TOXIC
That's just great. It's a banger.
It's a banger.
OK, well, there we are.
We've got a pair leaving us
at the end of this round,
I'm so sorry.
We've reached a conclusive score
line, which means, Mina
and Serena, we have no excuse to
keep you on any longer. I'm sorry.
It's been lovely having you here.
Thank you so much. Please come
and play again. Mina and Serena,
wonderful contestants. Thank you.
But for Kerry and Tom, it is
now time for our Pointless final.
Congratulations, Kerry and Tom,
you have beaten off all
the competition and you have
won our coveted Pointless trophy.
You now have a chance to
win our Pointless jackpot
and at the end of today's show,
the jackpot is standing at £2,500.
APPLAUSE
Very, very well done.
It's been very impressive, actually.
2-0 in the head-to-head.
Thanks. Yeah.
We felt quite lucky with
the music, to be honest. Yeah.
Well, it was luck.
I mean, entirely luck. No skill.
Here you are. Who cares how
you got here, you are here.
What do you want to see
come up in this last round?
Stand-up comedians again, ideally.
That was good.
That was great for us that round.
Yeah. Just that, really.
Maybe our back catalogue. Music?
Yeah. That would be good.
All my old Edinburgh shows. Music?
Music, yeah. Music. Film. OK.
Theatre. Arty, you know, actor-y
things. Yeah, arty things, yeah. OK.
There will be four things up there.
OK. It's sure to cover
some arty stuff.
Let's see. We've got...
..the Year 1984, Film Pairs,
Decades of Grand National
Winners... Definitely not.
..and Things Containing
the Letter M. That's so broad.
It could be anything. That's...
a lot of things.
Oh, it's a lot of things.
It's certainly that. OK.
I mean, definitely not
Grand National winners.
Definitely not
Grand National winners.
How good's your memory from 1984?
I was three, so not, not brill.
I was 11.
I think Film Pairs is probably...
I think we should do Film Pairs.
Shall we do Film Pairs?
We said film would be an area
we'd go for. You did say.
And you're a pair.
Well, then it's meant to be.
I think so. Film Pairs. Done. OK.
OK. Very best of luck.
Three different questions here.
I think the questions get easier
as we go on.
We are looking for any film that was
first released in these eras
starring either of these people.
So any film of the 1940s or '50s...
So any feature film made
for cinema release starring
either of those people
in the decades mentioned.
Very, very best of luck.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Now, as always, you've got
up to a minute to come up
with three answers.
All you need to win that jackpot
for your charities is
for just one of those answers
to be pointless.
You don't have to answer all three,
that's the good news.
You can focus on whichever ones
you like the look of. Are you ready?
Yeah. OK, let's put 60 seconds
up on the clock. There they are.
Your time starts now.
OK, what are you thinking?
There's a film called Notorious with
Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman.
Only one of them has to be in it,
I think. Oh, right. Yeah.
OK, so Casablanca.
No, everyone will say that.
So, Tom Cruise, I was thinking,
like, Far And Away,
that's quite an obscure film.
I don't even know it,
it's that obscure.
What are the other obscure...?
Obscure Peter... I know lots of
Cary Grant films. Do you?
Like, obscure ones? Um...
Bringing Up Baby or something
like that. Maybe.
He's done loads of Hitchcock films.
He did...
North By Northwest is Cary Grant.
That must be quite well-known,
though. Notorious... Sophia Loren?
Notorious could be a good one.
Sophia Loren. Don't know any.
What about...
What about the Kubrick, Peter
Sellers one? Marriage Italian Style.
the Fellini film. Ten seconds left.
What about the Kubrick one
for Peter Sellers?
Would that be too well-known?
Dr Strangelove. Yeah. Let's try it.
Yeah. Let's try it. OK.
That, I'm afraid, is your time up.
What are you going to go for?
We're going to go for Peter Sellers.
We'll go for Dr Strangelove.
Dr Strangelove.
Peter Sellers. Marriage Italian
Style. Marriage Italian Style.
It's a Sophia Loren film.
And Far And Away, a Tom Cruise film.
Far And Away for Tom Cruise.
OK, of those three, which is your
best shot at a pointless answer?
I think probably,
I hope Far And Away.
OK, Far And Away we'll put last.
Least likely to be pointless?
Two of those films...
Dr Strangelove. Dr Strangelove.
And then we put Marriage Italian
Style in the middle. OK. Very good.
OK. Let's put those answers up
on the board in that order,
then, and here they are.
We have got...
Well, very, very best of luck. Three
pretty good answers there, actually.
Wouldn't it be great if one of these
won that jackpot for you
and you could take that jackpot
back to your charities?
What charities are you playing for?
Kerry?
I'm playing for Help Refugees.
Wonderful. And, Tom?
I'm playing for St Andrew's
Youth Club in Pimlico.
APPLAUSE
Excellent.
Two wonderful charities,
three very good answers.
Let's hope one of these
wins that jackpot for you.
OK. Your first answer was
Dr Strangelove or...etc.
And we, in this case, are looking
for films starring Sophia Loren
or Peter Sellers.
If it's pointless,
that £2,500 jackpot is winging
its way to your charities.
How many of our 100 people said
Dr Strangelove?
It's right.
It just has to go all the way down
to zero now
for it to win that jackpot
for your charities.
Down it goes to nine.
OK, nine for Dr Strangelove.
Still not bad.
That's great, though.
Into single figures with your
first answer, that's fantastic.
Let's hope nobody said your next
answer, Marriage Italian Style.
In this case we're looking for
Sophia Loren films.
For £2,500, is it pointless?
Marriage Italian Style.
Again it's right.
Your first answer was
Dr Strangelove,
took us all the way down to nine.
Marriage Italian Style
takes us through the teens,
into single figures,
passing nine, down we go,
still going down, still going down
to one! Oh, my God!
That's fantastic!
We've gone from nine to one
in your first two answers.
Keep this up. It's all
looking great for your third
and final answer, Far And Away.
In this case we are
looking for Tom Cruise films.
We've just got to hope
no-one said it.
For £2,500, how many people said
Far And Away? Is it pointless?
It's right.
Dr Strangelove was right,
took us down to nine.
Marriage Italian Style
took us down to one.
Far And Away now takes us down,
into single figures, passing nine,
still going down, still going down,
you did it!
Superb! Well done.
Absolutely fantastic.
Oh, well done. Can't believe it.
Can't believe it. Come on.
Congratulations! Come on.
Far And Away was a pointless answer,
which means
you take home our jackpot today
of £2,500 for your charities.
Well done!
That's great! That's great.
APPLAUSE
What a lovely end to a lovely show.
Congratulations, terrific work.
I'm going to go through
the pointless answers now
for people at home.
You don't have to listen
to any of this because
you've done your job already.
We'll start with Cary Grant
and Ingrid Bergman.
Arsenic And Old Lace, Philadelphia
Story - both Cary Grant movies.
Joan Of Arc and The Bells Of
St Mary's - both Bergman films.
The biggest scorers there,
Casablanca, North By Northwest,
To Catch A Thief, Notorious,
Gaslight and His Girl Friday -
they were the big scorers there.
We'll move on, shall we,
to Peter Sellers and Sophia Loren?
Lolita, that's Peter Sellers.
Man Of La Mancha
and Operation Crossbow - both
Sophia Loren. What's New Pussycat?
Peter Sellers as well.
Biggest scorer there was Pink
Panther, perhaps unsurprisingly.
And now Tom Cruise and Meg Ryan.
There's Far And Away.
That's won you the money.
Magnolia, also Tom Cruise,
a pointless answer.
The Doors and When A Man Loves
A Woman - both Meg Ryan movies,
both of those were
pointless answers as well.
The biggest scorers, Top Gun,
Mission: Impossible,
Sleepless In Seattle and
When Harry Met Sally.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard,
and thanks once again
to our winning players,
Kerry and Tom,
who take away today's jackpot
of £2,500 for their charities.
Brilliant!
APPLAUSE
Join us next time when
we'll be putting more obscure
knowledge to the test
on Pointless Celebrities.
Meanwhile, it's goodbye
from Richard... Goodbye.
And it's goodbye from me. Goodbye.
Thank you very much indeed.
Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong.
A very warm welcome to this special
sitcom edition of Pointless Celebrities,
the quiz where the aim of the game is to find
the most obscure answer possible.
Let's meet this evening's
Pointless celebrities.
And couple number one.
My name's Jeremy Gittins and I play
the vicar in Keeping Up Appearances.
My name is Judy Cornwell
and I played Daisy
in Keeping Up Appearances.
Couple number two.
I'm Tim Healy and I play
Gastric in Still Open All Hours.
Hi, I'm Maggie Ollerenshaw and I
play Mavis in Still Open All Hours.
Couple number three.
Hi, I'm Tom Basden.
I play Matt in After Life.
And I'm Kerry Godliman
and I play Lisa in After Life.
And finally, couple number four.
My name's Mina Anwar and I played
PC Maggie Habib on The Thin Blue Line.
My name's Serena Evans and I played
Desk Sergeant Patricia Dawkins in The Thin Blue Line.
APPLAUSE
Thank you all very much.
Welcome to Pointless,
lovely to have you with us.
We'll get to chat further throughout
the show as it goes along.
So that just leaves one
more person for me to introduce,
the Ross to my Rachel,
the Tom to my Barbara,
the Rodney to my Cassandra,
it's my Pointless friend,
it's Richard.
Hiya. Hey, everybody. Good evening.
Good evening, sir. Good evening.
This will be fun. Listen,
before the show we always walk along
and talk to the contestants.
This is the first time ever I think
every single pair has said,
"We are definitely getting
knocked out in Round One."
You can't all get knocked out.
I don't know how that would happen.
Two people have been on before.
Kerry was on before,
was knocked out in Round Two.
Mina also been on before,
knocked out in Round Two as well.
I have to say, you know
how much I love television.
I talk about it a lot,
I'm a huge fan of TV.
The show that made me
fall in love with television
for the first time
was Auf Wiedersehen, Pet,
so to share a studio with Tim Healy,
an absolute treat, Tim.
God bless you, thank you.
I'm not saying I want you to win.
No, no. But it'd be nice.
No chance of that, pal!
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
As usual, all of today's
questions have been put
to 100 people before the show,
but our contestants here
are looking for those
all-important pointless answers.
These are answers that
none of our 100 people gave.
Find one of those and we will add
250 quid to the jackpot.
Today's show is a celebrity special
so each of our celebrities
is playing for a nominated charity,
so for that reason we start with
an augmented jackpot of £2,500.
There we are.
APPLAUSE
Right, if everyone's ready,
let's play Pointless.
Now, normal rules apply.
It will always be the pair with the
highest score at the end of each
round that gets eliminated,
so keep your scores as low
as you possibly can.
Best of luck to all four pairs.
Our first category
this evening is...
Would you all like to decide
who wants to go first,
who's going to go second,
and whoever's going first,
please step up to the podium.
Let's find out what the question is.
Here it comes.
We gave 100 people 100 seconds
to name as many...
..as they could. Richard.
Yeah, we're looking for any word
that you can get by changing
just one of those letters,
so you can change the B if you want,
or the A, or the R or the K.
Just change one of those letters
to create a new word, please.
That word has to be in the British
and World English section
of Premium Oxford Dictionaries.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Jeremy, welcome to Pointless.
Great to have you here.
Keeping Up Appearances,
that was one of those sitcoms
that everybody held close,
people really, truly loved that.
What do you put
the success of that show down to?
Well, I think a lot of people
could identify with a character
like Hyacinth, and I think that's
fairly international as well.
It's all over the world,
it seems that they have
their fair share of Hyacinths.
Wonderful. Now, Jeremy,
what are you going to go for here?
I'm going to go for the word LARK.
LARK. Oh, that was Judy's word,
by the looks of things.
It was too!
LARK, says Jeremy. Let's see how
many of our 100 people said LARK.
LARK is right.
Down it goes, 66.
66, good solid start.
It means all sorts of things,
a ground-dwelling songbird.
Ground-dwelling songbird,
but you can never see them,
you only hear them.
I don't know what they look like,
never seen them. Larks?
Yeah. Enormous, about 40 foot high.
Seriously? Terrifying. They're so
far away. Absolutely terrifying.
Claws of steel. There you go, nice.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
OK, Maggie. Yes.
Maggie, welcome. Thank you.
Now, you are one of only three
people who were in Open All Hours
and Still Open All Hours.
Correct. So when did
Open All Hours start?
When was the beginning
of Open All Hours?
It was in the '80s, some time.
I'm imagining sitcoms changed
a lot over that period.
Apart from anything else, just the
making of them will have changed.
What are the most notable
differences?
The most notable differences are
that we now rehearse record it all
rather than doing it
in front of a studio audience.
So is it no longer in front
of a studio audience? No.
No? Anyway, Maggie,
what are you going to go for?
Here's our lovely word, BARK.
I'm going to go for BASK.
Nice, very nice.
Let's see how many of
our 100 people said BASK.
It's right,
66 is the only score we have
and you pass that.
Down it goes to 15.
Very well done indeed, Maggie.
A bit of basking in order,
I think, over there. 15 for BASK.
That's a terrific answer, Maggie,
very well played.
BASK, it's part of Spain.
Thank you very much indeed. Tom!
Tom, you are most welcome.
Thanks, thank you.
Now one of the things
I happen to know about making
a Ricky Gervais,
any Ricky Gervais project,
because obviously After Life,
is Ricky likes to...
He doesn't like to work very late.
Doesn't like to work
long after lunch.
I think that's the thing
most people seem to know about
all of his shows, that we do
wrap fairly early. I love that.
It's fantastic. The filming day
starts incredibly early,
punishingly. Sometimes you're up
at sort of 6:30, or even earlier..
It's almost like
a proper job sometimes.
OK, Tom, right, BARK, what are
you going to make of that?
So I'm going to go for BARE -
B-A-R-E.
BARE, says Tom. OK, let's see how
many of our 100 people said BARE.
BARE is right.
66 the high score, we pass that.
34 is where we end up with BARE.
This is the part of the show where
I'm supposed to define BARE
as if people don't know it.
I think people know
what BARE means.
Nekkid. Yes.
Nekkid. Yes.
You're quite right. Thank you.
Now, Serena, welcome to Pointless.
Thank you. Great to have you here.
I shared my very first comedy line
on television with you.
Isn't that amazing? I know!
That really is exciting,
on The Thin Blue Line.
Were you in Thin Blue Line?
Yeah. For one episode.
What did you have to say?
I played someone called Toff
in Dinner Jacket. Can you imagine?
Talk about range. Amazing!
Why on Earth did they cast you?
I don't know!
Anyway, I had this line
where I had to say,
"Do you know who my father is?"
Oh, yes! And then you said,
"I can't help with that,
have you tried asking your mother?"
Ka-pow!
Anyway, thank you, Serena.
It's a killer.
What a lovely start it was for me.
Now, what are you going to go for?
We've got BARK here.
I'm going to go for BARD.
Oh, very good. Very good.
Let's see how many
of our 100 people said BARD.
Down it goes.
To 20. Very well done indeed.
No-one yet troubling Maggie's low
score of 15 but that's pretty close.
That's perfect for a roomful
of actors as well, of course,
because they are so often
barred from pubs.
Immortally! Yeah. Thank you
very much indeed, Richard.
Well, we're halfway
through the round.
Let's just have
a little recap of those scores.
15, as I mentioned
just a second ago, is where
we find Maggie and Tim.
Then up to 20,
where we find Serena and Mina,
then up to 34,
where we find Tom and Kerry,
then 66, where
we find Jeremy and Judy.
Judy, you've got a little while now
to come up with
an absolutely ace answer.
Very best of luck with that, Judy.
We're going to come back
down the line now.
Will the second players
please step up to the podium?
Now, then, Mina. Hello.
Welcome back.
I want to talk about
The Dolly Mixtures. Yes.
This is you directing
and choreographing.
I did that up at Customs House
in South Shields.
It's a true story about women
who raised over £500,000
for Cancer Research
and five of them are still alive,
by becoming turns in the working
men's clubs in the north-east
when there were no men at all
and none of them were performers.
So I did the choreography for it
a few years back
and then they asked me
to come back and direct it
and do the choreography, so it was
an absolute honour. Excellent.
Now, Mina, you are on 20.
Let's see if we can get a lovely low
scoring answer from you for this.
BARK. 45 or less at this stage
keeps you in the game.
I'm going to go for MARK.
MARK, says Mina.
OK, here is your red line.
Let's see how far down the column
we get with MARK.
There we are, gets you through.
There you are, 40,
taking your total up to 60.
You are in Round Two.
I mean, that's got so many different
definitions, MARK.
It can mean "to mark," or "a mark,"
"I am marking," "You are marking,"
"She has marked."
Thank you. So Kerry,
welcome to Pointless.
After Life, how was that filmed?
That's obviously single-camera,
that's not a multi-camera
audience show, is it?
No, and for me it was quite
isolating because I was on my own.
Well, I was going to say! Yeah.
You were there for the read-through
presumably. I was there for the
read-through and then I said goodbye
to everyone, I'll see you at
the wrap party. And that was it?
Yeah... We had some scenes together.
Yeah, we did this time,
we did some scenes together.
Because you complained
about last time?
Yeah, it was like, "Please
let me play with my friends."
Wangle it so that I can actually,
yes, as a dead person,
spend some time
with the living. Good.
Now, Kerry, you're on 34.
31 or less gets you into Round Two.
I'm going to say BANK.
OK. BANK. Here is your red line.
Let's see if we can get below that
with BANK. Oh, no!
It's fine.
Look at that, it's fine,
you're through.
29 for BANK, that's amazing,
taking your total up to 63.
Could you eliminate that
from your mind?
That's the first time someone said
bank on a quiz show
since Weakest Link!
Very nice. Thanks.
There we go, Tim Healy.
Welcome to Pointless. How lovely
to have you here. Nice to be here.
Now, you started out as
an apprentice welder. I did.
How did you get from there
to acting? What was the route?
Well, to be honest with you, I hated
welding, I didn't like it at all.
My father introduced me to acting,
cos he was an amateur actor,
when I was 11. And all I wanted
to be was an actor
and I got really bored with welding
so I joined the Parachute Regiment,
4 Para,
the TA army, and I got my wings up
and stuff and I got really confident
and I just thought, that's it,
and I threw the gear down
and I went to college
and did drama for a year.
Wow. And then from there I founded a
live theatre company in Newcastle.
Fantastic. Tim, you are on 15,
a fabulous low score from Maggie,
which means if you can score 50,
50 or less, you're through.
NARK.
That is the one I was wanting
to go for. NARK.
Let's see if it's right.
Here is your red line,
exactly in the middle, in fact.
Let's see how many of
our 100 people said NARK.
It's right.
You are through and I think
this will go a long way down.
Down it goes to 11.
Very well done indeed.
Lowest score of the round, Tim.
26 your total. Terrific answer,
Tim, well played.
Police informer, a nark,
or in the states it can mean
a narcotics officer.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Judy, welcome.
Judy, it's lovely to have you here.
Over your career of acting,
all the various things you've done,
what's the thing
that really stands out?
I think the play
that got us the Emmy
and took it away from the Americans
was Call Me Daddy, which was
a two-hander with Donald Pleasence
and myself, producer Leonard White,
but also, I was a dancer
and a singer to start with.
I also always wrote things
and I've had four novels published
and an autobiography,
which is called
Adventures of a Jelly Baby.
Excellent!
Judy, what are you going to go for?
So changing one of those four
letters and making a new word,
that's what we're asking you to do.
HARK. HARK! Yes. How lovely.
HARK. I'm afraid there's no red line
for you because you are
the high scorers at the moment
but let's see what happens
when we say HARK.
HARK is right.
And down it goes to 40.
Takes your total up to 106.
Now, there's only one
pointless answer on this
but I'll take you through
some of the lower scorers as well.
The best answer we had was NARK
so I'll take you through everything
that scored fewer points than NARK.
BARB would have scored you
seven points, been a nice one.
Five points for BARF, as in
to throw up, to barf. B-A-R-F.
BARM would have scored you three,
a bap or a floury roll.
You'd have got one for BORK -
B-O-R-K - and CARK - C-A-R-K.
There's one pointless answer.
Essentially you change the B.
It's a New Zealand word
which means to annoy somebody,
it is RARK.
R-A-R-K is a pointless answer.
Very well done to any non-New
Zealanders who got that at home.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Well, we are at the end of
our first round, which means, as is
traditional, we have to say goodbye
to one of our pairs
and I'm so sorry, Judy and Jeremy,
you are that pair.
It's been so lovely having you here.
Thank you so much for coming
to play. Come and play again.
Judy and Jeremy,
brilliant. Thanks very much.
But for the remaining three pairs,
it's now time for Round Two.
There we are,
suddenly down to three pairs.
Tim, lowest individual scorer there.
Tim and Maggie, lowest combined
scorers, actually, so very well done
on that near podium.
But well done, all of you.
Lovely to have you with
us for Round Two.
Our category for Round Two
this evening, by the way, is...
Would you like to decide
who's going to go first,
who's going to go second,
and whoever's going first,
will they please step up
to the podium?
OK, and the question concerns...
Richard. On each board we're going
to show you six clues that will lead
to one of the comedians
who is on this list.
We'll also show you
their initials as well.
But who are these comedians, please?
Six on the first board,
six on the second,
12 in all to have a go at at home.
Thank you very much indeed. Let's
reveal our first board of clues
to comedians. And here they come.
I'll read those clues again.
There we are.
Maggie, over to you first.
Oh, dear.
I'm not sure that
I know any of them, actually.
Erm...
Kristen Wiig,
I'll try that, the last one.
Kristen Wiig, OK,
let's see if that is right.
Kristen Wiig. How many of our 100
people said it? Is it right?
Oh, it's right. It is right.
It's a great answer. Look at that!
Oh-oh! Down you go to four.
Very well done indeed.
Maggie, that's amazing!
Four! Well done!
That's a terrific score
for an answer given with
such little conviction!
LAUGHTER
Yeah, very, very well played.
Yeah, nominated for Best Original
Screenplay Oscar for Bridesmaids.
There we are, thank you very much
indeed. Now, Kerry.
Hm. Hm.
I'm going to go for...
..Trevor Noah.
OK, Trevor Noah. Trevor Noah.
Let's see how many
of our 100 people said that.
Four is the only score
we have at the moment.
Trevor Noah goes to six.
Very well done indeed.
That's a great score.
I'm really pleased with that.
Yeah. Trevor Noah.
APPLAUSE
There's some terrific scoring
going on in this round.
Well done, everybody.
Yeah, Trevor Noah.
Of course he presents an incredible
satirical show in the States, but
before that he came second on South
Africa's Strictly Come Dancing.
Did you know that?
Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah.
Nice. Yeah.
Thank you very much indeed.
Now, Mina... Mm.
This board's all yours.
MINA LAUGHS
Do you feel like dancing down it and
filling in all the blanks? Erm...
The top one,
I think, is Noel Fielding.
Erm...
..Sacha Baron Cohen,
I'm going to have to go...
..for Noel Fielding, I think.
Noel Fielding, says Mina.
Let's see how many of
our 100 people got that
for the ex-Mighty Boosh member.
Noel Fielding is right.
And down you go to 24.
APPLAUSE
24 for Noel. Yeah,
well played everyone, there.
He was on the list with his Mighty
Boosh partner, Julian Barratt.
Now, let's fill in
the rest of these, shall we?
Mina, you're quite right,
it's Sacha Baron Cohen. That would
have scored you more points, so you
did well to go for Noel Fielding.
That would have scored you 31.
The Travel Man presenter?
Richard Ayoade. Richard Ayoade.
He would have scored you 13.
Now, a lot of people know this guy,
but maybe the clue was harder,
because it's the best answer on
the board. Because you know him.
It's James Acaster.
It's James Acaster,
the wonderful James Acaster,
who would have scored you one. Very
well done if you said that at home.
James Acaster was
fourth on the list.
Quite right.
Thank you very much indeed.
OK, well, we're
halfway through the round.
Let's have a look at those scores.
Four, you're just unstoppable
on that near podium.
Four the lowest score of the pass,
then six, not bad at all
from Kerry and Tom.
24, Mina and Serena,
a little bit ahead there,
but Serena,
let's see what the next board holds.
Good luck with that. We're going
to come back down the line now.
Will the second players please
step up to the podium?
OK, let's put six more clues
to comedians up on the board
and here they are.
We have got...
I'll read those again for you.
There we are. Serena, over to you.
Oh, it's a bit scary.
Erm, I think I'll go for
Sharon Horgan.
OK, Sharon Horgan,
there we are, for Catastrophe.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said Sharon Horgan.
There's no red line for you
as you're currently
the highest scorers.
Sharon Horgan is right.
That's a great answer,
look at that, three!
The lowest score of the round
so far, taking your total up to 27.
Very well done indeed, Serena.
Well played, Serena.
Some terrific scoring going on.
Yeah, tenth on the list,
Sharon Horgan.
Thank you very much indeed.
Richard. Now, Tom. Yeah.
Tom, you're on six,
which means a target of 20 or less
at this stage. Mm.
Yeah, OK. I'm going to go, erm...
..I'm going with Frankie Boyle.
Frankie Boyle. Yeah.
OK, for New World Order. Yeah. Let's
see how many of our 100 people said
Frankie Boyle.
There's your red line.
Frankie Boyle's right.
There we are, through you go. 18.
20 required, 18 delivered.
24 is your total.
Yeah, well played. I'm just enjoying
the thought of Frankie Boyle
being described as former
Mock The Week panellist.
LAUGHTER
That will cheer him up.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Tim, there you are on four.
If you can score 22 or less,
you're into the head-to-head.
Do you feel like talking us
through that board? No, not really.
LAUGHTER
Well, I know two,
but I think they'll be high. Erm...
Erm...
..Bob Mortimer.
That's your answer, Bob Mortimer.
OK, the star of Gone Fishing.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said Bob Mortimer.
There's your red line.
Bob Mortimer is right.
Ooh, 27 for Bob Mortimer.
APPLAUSE
Takes your total up to 31.
That's unlucky, Tim.
You said you knew two of them.
What was the other one you might
have gone for? Steve Coogan.
Would have seen you through
to the head-to-head, Steve Coogan.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Would have scored 19 points.
Really, really unlucky.
19 for Coogan.
Now, let's fill in the other two.
The top one, the former Saturday
Night Live writer. Tina Fey.
Tina Fey. Nine points for her.
And the former Buzzcocks host.
Erm, Simon...
Simon Amstell. Amstell.
Yeah. There you go.
And he would have
scored you six points,
so the best answer on the board
there, Sharon Horgan.
Well done if you said that,
which indeed, Serena, you did.
Thank you very much indeed.
So, at the end of our second round,
the pair we have to say goodbye to,
with a high score of 31,
Tim and Maggie.
You've been just serial
low-scorers... Well...
..and you nearly
scraped through there, Tim.
Picked the wrong one, never mind.
Oh, well, never mind.
It's been lovely having you here.
Thank you so much. Please come
and play with us again.
It's been a pleasure. Yeah, thank
you. It's been a huge pleasure
for us. Tim and Maggie, everyone.
APPLAUSE
But for our two remaining pairs,
it's now time for the head-to-head.
APPLAUSE
Congratulations, Kerry
and Tom, Mina and Serena,
you are now one step closer
to the final and a chance to
play for our jackpot,
which currently stands at £2,500.
APPLAUSE
But this is where we decide
who goes through to the final
and plays for that jackpot, and we
do it by making you go head-to-head,
but the difference is you're now
allowed to play as a pair,
so you can chat before you
give your answers - which is nice.
The first pair to win two questions
will be playing for that jackpot.
Best of luck to both pairs.
Let's play the head-to-head.
APPLAUSE
Here is your first question
and it concerns...
Yeah, we're going to show you
five pictures now
of animals eating fruits -
well, not fruit and vegetables,
I'm going to say fruit
or vegetables... Oh.
..er, you know, it's not crazy.
It would be a specialist round
if they were eating fruit
and vegetables. Yes.
Listen, I don't want you to think
about the fruit and vegetables
at the moment, because
what we're really interested in
is the animals who are eating them.
Oh. Oh. OK?
I'm going to give you alternate
letters of their name as well,
the name of the species.
Not the name of the animal.
Not the name of
the individual animal.
No. OK, let's reveal
the five animals. We've got...
That's a fruit.
LAUGHTER
Wow. I think
they're all eating fruit.
LAUGHTER
OK.
Yes, Kerry and Tom,
you're our golden couple,
so you get to go first.
Mm.
Pick one. OK. Yeah.
Yes. OK.
What are we thinking?
We're going to go with squirrel
monkey. Squirrel monkey, for C.
Squirrel monkey.
Now, Mina and Serena,
it's over to you.
Do you want to talk us through the
rest of these animals eating things?
Er, no. No.
Er, I think...
We think A is a wood mouse.
B is something tortoise.
Erm, and E is orangutan.
Woodmouse...
Woodmouse, we're going to go
for A, wood mouse.
OK, wood mouse.
So we have squirrel monkey
versus wood mouse.
Kerry and Tom have gone
for squirrel monkey, for C.
Let's see how many of
our 100 people said squirrel monkey.
Squirrel monkey is absolutely right.
And down that goes to eight.
That's a great score.
Very well done indeed,
Kerry and Tom.
APPLAUSE
Good stuff.
Wood mouse is where Mina and Serena
have ended up, with A.
Let's see if it's right.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said it. Wood mouse.
Wood mouse is right.
Ooh, 45 for wood mouse.
Well done, Kerry and Tom.
After one question you're up 1-0.
Yes, squirrel monkey
is a good answer.
It's cute as well, the squirrel
monkey, isn't it? Lovely. Yes.
And they sleep huddled together
on branches with their tails
wrapped around their bodies.
Don't we all? Exactly.
D, do you know D?
Sugar... Guinea?
No, it's a...
I'll tell you it can... Sugar...
..it can fly in the air. Glider.
Sugar glider. Sugar glider! Yeah.
Would have scored you 10 points.
Well done if you said that.
The last one,
of course, is orangutan.
Look at him/her.
78 points for orangutan.
Now the best answer
is this last one.
We're usually quite good
at filling in the gaps.
You can fill in tortoise...
I've come up with... ..for sure.
Spud-thighed.
LAUGHTER
The spud-thighed tortoise.
You are not a million miles away.
Shall I tell you? Yes.
Spur-thighed tortoise. Spur-thighed.
Would have scored you three points.
Never would have got that.
That's really difficult, isn't it?
Spur-thighed tortoise. Thighed.
I was pleased with thighed.
Yeah, I couldn't work
that second word out at all.
Thank you very much indeed.
A pleasure.
OK, well, here comes
your second question.
Mina and Serena,
you get to answer it first,
but you have to win it to stay in
the game. Yeah. So best of luck.
Our second question today
is all about...
Richard. Yeah, we're going to
play you five top 40 hits now that
were co-written by Cathy Dennis.
Can you tell us who had hits
with these songs, please?
So the artist is what
we're looking for. The artists.
Who are the artists of these songs?
Here is song A.
# La, la, la
# La-la, la-la-la
# La, la, la
# La-la, la-la
# I just can't get you
out of my head
# Boy, your loving is
all I think about... #
Here's a B.
# I never had a dream come true
# Till the day that I found you
# Even though I pretend
that I've moved on
# You'll always be my baby... #
Here's C.
# Here we are
A careful distance
# Here's my heart
What's left of it
# In this town
I used to listen
# Once, once, yeah... #
Here's D.
# I kissed a girl and I liked it
# The taste of her cherry chapstick
# I kissed a girl just to try it
# I hope my boyfriend
don't mind it... #
Here's E.
# With a taste of your lips
I'm on a ride
# You're toxic
I'm slippin' under
# With a taste of a poison paradise
# I'm addicted to you
Don't you know that you're toxic? #
There we are. Five songs
co-written by Cathy Dennis.
Mina and Serena,
you get to go first.
Shall we go for that, yes?
I think it's S Club, B.
OK, B, S Club.
Mina and Serena are going with
S Club for B.
Now, Kerry and Tom, talk us
through the rest of those songs.
OK, so...the first one's Kylie.
We don't know B and C, do we?
We don't know C. D's Katy Perry.
D's Katy Perry, I Kissed A Girl.
E's Britney.
And they're all really famous.
They're all really well-known
songs, aren't they? So...
Erm... I would go Katy Perry.
No! But that's because
Britney and Kylie are massive!
Everyone knows that song, I think.
But everyone knows
the Kylie and the Britney one.
Everyone knows all of them,
that's the game.
LAUGHTER
I'm saying that's less obscure.
The Katy Perry one is better
known. I think Kylie's the...
You think Kylie's obscure? Kylie?!
Than Britney or Katy Perry,
yeah, I do.
I think Katy Perry's
more obscure than Kylie. OK.
All right. I... OK.
All right. But I don't know if
I feel that strongly about it.
LAUGHTER
I'm not going to fall out
over it but I think...
We will. We will, yeah.
Yeah, I think you will.
I think you will. I do too.
It's Kylie or Perry.
Not Britney? Do we not think? I
don't know, it's a good compromise.
OK, then.
Shall we go Toxic? OK.
They're all really famous.
Yeah. All right.
We'll go for Britney. Britney. OK.
So we have S Club
and we have Britney.
Mina and Serena
went for S Club for B.
Let's see if that is right,
let's see how many of
our 100 people said it.
It's right.
It is right. It is S Club.
Very well done indeed.
Down it goes to 26.
APPLAUSE
Meanwhile...Kerry and Tom
have gone for Britney for E.
Let's see if it's right.
Let's see how many of
our 100 people said Britney.
It's right.
And it wins the point! Down it goes
to 18. Down it goes to 18.
There we are. The Britney protocol,
works every time. Well done.
And it means, Kerry and Tom,
after only two questions,
you're straight through
to the final, 2-0.
And I'll tell you, S Club 7
are going to be happy as well,
aren't they? Yeah!
That's great name recognition.
Yeah, Britney was
a smart one to go for.
Tom, I think you wanted to go
for Kylie. Yeah.
They would've won the point
if you had.
Kylie would've scored you 34 points.
Well, well.
So you did well to go for Britney.
In fact, if you said Katy Perry,
scored even fewer points.
14 for Katy Perry. What?!
You were... Thank you!
Well, we won anyway.
We might still fall out!
Let's have a little listen
to C, shall we?
# Here we are
A careful distance
# Here's my heart... #
She came through X Factor.
ALEXANDER GASPS
Yes! The barefoot...
The girl who briefly had
a fling with the Irish guy with
lots of vowels in his name. Oh!
That's all I need.
What a terrible description.
Do you remember? Yeah.
You're thinking of Eoghan Quigg,
the Irish guy. I am, Eoghan Quigg.
They have a thing? Yes! Briefly.
I did not know that. Diana Vickers?
Diana Vickers is exactly right.
Very well done.
Well done if you said it at home,
that's a pointless answer. Wow.
What's the song called?
The song is called Once
and it was a number one.
Wow. Who knew? Yeah.
Well, nobody, it turns out.
For the record, can we just say
Toxic is an amazing song?
Amazing! Yeah, she's a good little
songwriter, isn't she? She sure is.
Kissed A Girl is a great song.
Can't Get You Out Of My Head
is a great song.
That's a great song as well,
but Toxic...
ALEXANDER HUMS TOXIC
That's just great. It's a banger.
It's a banger.
OK, well, there we are.
We've got a pair leaving us
at the end of this round,
I'm so sorry.
We've reached a conclusive score
line, which means, Mina
and Serena, we have no excuse to
keep you on any longer. I'm sorry.
It's been lovely having you here.
Thank you so much. Please come
and play again. Mina and Serena,
wonderful contestants. Thank you.
But for Kerry and Tom, it is
now time for our Pointless final.
Congratulations, Kerry and Tom,
you have beaten off all
the competition and you have
won our coveted Pointless trophy.
You now have a chance to
win our Pointless jackpot
and at the end of today's show,
the jackpot is standing at £2,500.
APPLAUSE
Very, very well done.
It's been very impressive, actually.
2-0 in the head-to-head.
Thanks. Yeah.
We felt quite lucky with
the music, to be honest. Yeah.
Well, it was luck.
I mean, entirely luck. No skill.
Here you are. Who cares how
you got here, you are here.
What do you want to see
come up in this last round?
Stand-up comedians again, ideally.
That was good.
That was great for us that round.
Yeah. Just that, really.
Maybe our back catalogue. Music?
Yeah. That would be good.
All my old Edinburgh shows. Music?
Music, yeah. Music. Film. OK.
Theatre. Arty, you know, actor-y
things. Yeah, arty things, yeah. OK.
There will be four things up there.
OK. It's sure to cover
some arty stuff.
Let's see. We've got...
..the Year 1984, Film Pairs,
Decades of Grand National
Winners... Definitely not.
..and Things Containing
the Letter M. That's so broad.
It could be anything. That's...
a lot of things.
Oh, it's a lot of things.
It's certainly that. OK.
I mean, definitely not
Grand National winners.
Definitely not
Grand National winners.
How good's your memory from 1984?
I was three, so not, not brill.
I was 11.
I think Film Pairs is probably...
I think we should do Film Pairs.
Shall we do Film Pairs?
We said film would be an area
we'd go for. You did say.
And you're a pair.
Well, then it's meant to be.
I think so. Film Pairs. Done. OK.
OK. Very best of luck.
Three different questions here.
I think the questions get easier
as we go on.
We are looking for any film that was
first released in these eras
starring either of these people.
So any film of the 1940s or '50s...
So any feature film made
for cinema release starring
either of those people
in the decades mentioned.
Very, very best of luck.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Now, as always, you've got
up to a minute to come up
with three answers.
All you need to win that jackpot
for your charities is
for just one of those answers
to be pointless.
You don't have to answer all three,
that's the good news.
You can focus on whichever ones
you like the look of. Are you ready?
Yeah. OK, let's put 60 seconds
up on the clock. There they are.
Your time starts now.
OK, what are you thinking?
There's a film called Notorious with
Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman.
Only one of them has to be in it,
I think. Oh, right. Yeah.
OK, so Casablanca.
No, everyone will say that.
So, Tom Cruise, I was thinking,
like, Far And Away,
that's quite an obscure film.
I don't even know it,
it's that obscure.
What are the other obscure...?
Obscure Peter... I know lots of
Cary Grant films. Do you?
Like, obscure ones? Um...
Bringing Up Baby or something
like that. Maybe.
He's done loads of Hitchcock films.
He did...
North By Northwest is Cary Grant.
That must be quite well-known,
though. Notorious... Sophia Loren?
Notorious could be a good one.
Sophia Loren. Don't know any.
What about...
What about the Kubrick, Peter
Sellers one? Marriage Italian Style.
the Fellini film. Ten seconds left.
What about the Kubrick one
for Peter Sellers?
Would that be too well-known?
Dr Strangelove. Yeah. Let's try it.
Yeah. Let's try it. OK.
That, I'm afraid, is your time up.
What are you going to go for?
We're going to go for Peter Sellers.
We'll go for Dr Strangelove.
Dr Strangelove.
Peter Sellers. Marriage Italian
Style. Marriage Italian Style.
It's a Sophia Loren film.
And Far And Away, a Tom Cruise film.
Far And Away for Tom Cruise.
OK, of those three, which is your
best shot at a pointless answer?
I think probably,
I hope Far And Away.
OK, Far And Away we'll put last.
Least likely to be pointless?
Two of those films...
Dr Strangelove. Dr Strangelove.
And then we put Marriage Italian
Style in the middle. OK. Very good.
OK. Let's put those answers up
on the board in that order,
then, and here they are.
We have got...
Well, very, very best of luck. Three
pretty good answers there, actually.
Wouldn't it be great if one of these
won that jackpot for you
and you could take that jackpot
back to your charities?
What charities are you playing for?
Kerry?
I'm playing for Help Refugees.
Wonderful. And, Tom?
I'm playing for St Andrew's
Youth Club in Pimlico.
APPLAUSE
Excellent.
Two wonderful charities,
three very good answers.
Let's hope one of these
wins that jackpot for you.
OK. Your first answer was
Dr Strangelove or...etc.
And we, in this case, are looking
for films starring Sophia Loren
or Peter Sellers.
If it's pointless,
that £2,500 jackpot is winging
its way to your charities.
How many of our 100 people said
Dr Strangelove?
It's right.
It just has to go all the way down
to zero now
for it to win that jackpot
for your charities.
Down it goes to nine.
OK, nine for Dr Strangelove.
Still not bad.
That's great, though.
Into single figures with your
first answer, that's fantastic.
Let's hope nobody said your next
answer, Marriage Italian Style.
In this case we're looking for
Sophia Loren films.
For £2,500, is it pointless?
Marriage Italian Style.
Again it's right.
Your first answer was
Dr Strangelove,
took us all the way down to nine.
Marriage Italian Style
takes us through the teens,
into single figures,
passing nine, down we go,
still going down, still going down
to one! Oh, my God!
That's fantastic!
We've gone from nine to one
in your first two answers.
Keep this up. It's all
looking great for your third
and final answer, Far And Away.
In this case we are
looking for Tom Cruise films.
We've just got to hope
no-one said it.
For £2,500, how many people said
Far And Away? Is it pointless?
It's right.
Dr Strangelove was right,
took us down to nine.
Marriage Italian Style
took us down to one.
Far And Away now takes us down,
into single figures, passing nine,
still going down, still going down,
you did it!
Superb! Well done.
Absolutely fantastic.
Oh, well done. Can't believe it.
Can't believe it. Come on.
Congratulations! Come on.
Far And Away was a pointless answer,
which means
you take home our jackpot today
of £2,500 for your charities.
Well done!
That's great! That's great.
APPLAUSE
What a lovely end to a lovely show.
Congratulations, terrific work.
I'm going to go through
the pointless answers now
for people at home.
You don't have to listen
to any of this because
you've done your job already.
We'll start with Cary Grant
and Ingrid Bergman.
Arsenic And Old Lace, Philadelphia
Story - both Cary Grant movies.
Joan Of Arc and The Bells Of
St Mary's - both Bergman films.
The biggest scorers there,
Casablanca, North By Northwest,
To Catch A Thief, Notorious,
Gaslight and His Girl Friday -
they were the big scorers there.
We'll move on, shall we,
to Peter Sellers and Sophia Loren?
Lolita, that's Peter Sellers.
Man Of La Mancha
and Operation Crossbow - both
Sophia Loren. What's New Pussycat?
Peter Sellers as well.
Biggest scorer there was Pink
Panther, perhaps unsurprisingly.
And now Tom Cruise and Meg Ryan.
There's Far And Away.
That's won you the money.
Magnolia, also Tom Cruise,
a pointless answer.
The Doors and When A Man Loves
A Woman - both Meg Ryan movies,
both of those were
pointless answers as well.
The biggest scorers, Top Gun,
Mission: Impossible,
Sleepless In Seattle and
When Harry Met Sally.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard,
and thanks once again
to our winning players,
Kerry and Tom,
who take away today's jackpot
of £2,500 for their charities.
Brilliant!
APPLAUSE
Join us next time when
we'll be putting more obscure
knowledge to the test
on Pointless Celebrities.
Meanwhile, it's goodbye
from Richard... Goodbye.
And it's goodbye from me. Goodbye.