Pointless Celebrities (2010–…): Season 13, Episode 13 - Comedians - full transcript
A special celebrity Comedians edition of the general knowledge quiz in which four teams try to come up with the answers that no-one else could think of. Presented by Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman.
APPLAUSE
Thank you very much indeed.
Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong
and a very warm welcome to this
special comedians' edition of
Pointless Celebrities,
the show where we're always striving
to find the most obscure answers.
Let's meet this evening's
Pointless Celebrities.
APPLAUSE
And couple number one.
Hello, my name is Lenny Henry and...
..I'm a comedian at the moment
and I am touring currently
with my show, Coconut.
I'm Dane Baptiste,
I'm a comedian and writer.
I'll be touring next year.
APPLAUSE
Couple number two!
My name is Junior Simpson, I thought
there were going to be mechanics
on here, but... I also am, you know,
a joke-teller person
and I'm standing here
with my twin brother, Patrick.
Thank you very much.
I am also Junior Simpson
and I am also known
as Patrick Monahan for tax reasons.
I'm a stand-up comedian and
I am currently on tour with a show
called Started From The Bottom,
Now I'm Here.
APPLAUSE
Thank you.
Couple number three!
Hi, I am Angela Barnes,
I'm a stand-up comedian
and I am currently on tour with a
show called Rose Tinted,
where I'm trying and failing to
look at the bright side of things.
Rich Hall. Yeah.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
And, finally, couple number four.
Hi, I'm Jessie Cave, I'm an actress
and comedian and I'm currently
doing a show with my sister which is
mainly me bossing her around.
My name's Ed and I'm on tour with
a show called If I'm Honest
and I'm pretty sure that'll be true
even if you're watching this on
repeat.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
Thank you all very much indeed,
very warm welcome to the show.
Lovely to have you all here,
we'll chat,
of course, throughout the show
as it goes along.
That just leaves one more person
for me to introduce.
He's got a bigger funny bone
than most of us,
just don't...stare at it. It's my
Pointless friend, it's Richard.
Hiya.
APPLAUSE
Hey, everybody. Good evening.
Good evening to you. And to you.
Now, this has all the hallmarks of
what we like to call
a long recording.
LAUGHTER
Lovely to have you all here,
a few people have been on before,
Ed and Rich have both been through
to the head-to-head... Oh, yeah.
..before, impressive.
Jessie's been through to Round Two,
but we welcome
lots of newcomers as well.
Podium one, Dane and Shazia haven't
been on here before,
but I've worked with Dane
on House Of Games
and Shazia on Child Genius,
they're both very clever. I know!
Yeah, so, they're going to be tough
to beat, I think.
And podium two, welcome, Junior
and Patrick. Now, Patrick,
you couldn't be more welcome on this
show. He was our first ever
warm-up guy in episode one of
Pointless, TV centre. Was it...1968?
It was late '67. Late 1967,
so he was our first ever warm-up,
and so lovely to have you back as a
contestant.
Who'd have thought
we'd still be here?
Lovely. Thank you very much indeed,
Richard.
As usual, all of today's questions
have been put to 100 people before
the show.
Our contestants here are on the
lookout for these all-important
Pointless answers, these are answers
that none of our 100 people gave.
Find one of those,
and we'll add £250 to the jackpot.
Today's show, as you can see,
is a celebrity special.
Each of our celebrities is
playing for a nominated charity,
so we're going to start off with a
slightly larger jackpot than usual,
a jackpot of £2,500. There it is.
APPLAUSE
Right, if everyone's ready,
let's play Pointless.
Now, as you know, it will be the
pair with the highest score
at the end of each round
that we'll be eliminating,
so keep your scores as low as
you possibly can and you'll be fine.
Best of luck to all four pairs.
Our first category, this evening,
is...
Can you all decide, based on
that, who wants to go first
who wants to go second,
and whoever's going first,
please, step up to the podium.
OK, let's find out what the
question is, here it comes.
Patrick, what are you doing?!
Sorry, sorry.
Do you remember nothing from
those early days?!
I was too busy wrestling with
the audience back then!
I used to get old ladies up,
we used to dance.
Those were the days...
Can I just point out that,
backstage, they mentioned to him
that he used to do the warm-up on
this and Patrick did not remember.
I'm just saying that should be
known!
He said, "Do you know what? I don't
think I ever did! Are you sure?"
Back in the '60s, it was a long
time ago, we didn't have ceilings,
we didn't have anything back then.
OK, let's find
out what the question is.
We gave 100 people 100 seconds
to name as many...
..as they could.
Yeah, we're looking for any country
in the world that has
1,000 kilometres or more
of land borders, please,
so lots and lots of countries
with 1,000km of land borders.
As always, by country, we mean a
sovereign state that's a member
of the UN in its own right.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Dane, welcome.
Good to have you here.
So, Dane, was it always going to be
comedy for you? From the start?
I feel like... Yeah,
I was always a closet comedian.
I knew who I was, but wasn't
able to come out to my parents...
Until what age? I mean, I think
it was really late in life.
It took a while for them
to understand,
but now they accept my lifestyle,
so...
And if, one day, I decide to marry
a comedian or we decide to
adopt a comedian, I feel like
they'll support me, so it's great.
Beautiful.
Dane, what are you going to go for?
I'll go with Suriname.
Oh, ho-ho! Suriname?
Let's see how many
of our 100 people said Suriname.
Now, that's a very good answer. Yes.
I say!
Look at that,
it's a Pointless answer!
Dane, straight out of it,
it's a Pointless answer.
That's £250 added to the jackpot,
takes the total up to £2,750.
Scores you nothing,
very well done indeed.
I told you he was bright, didn't I?
Yes, over nearly 2,000 km
of border, Suriname, it's a good
answer. Very good.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Thank you. Junior. Hello. Welcome.
Now, Junior, you have performed...
Tell me, all the countries you've
performed in. You've been
all over the place, haven't you?
Yes, but I've never then there,
to...Suriname. No Suriname?
Where's the toughest crowd? France!
That's not my answer, by the way!
Not my answer.
France is a difficult place for me
to play
because I just don't speak French.
Do you have the French? No!
And the audience, they didn't
appreciate when I put
a Jamaican tinge on things as well.
So, apart from that,
it was a lovely gig.
Why did you do the gig in France?!
IN A JAMAICAN ACCENT: Well, they
invited me and I thought,
"I'd go and say, 'Hello.'"
OK, now, Junior...
Yes. Countries with 1,000
kilometres of land borders.
What do we think? OK, um...
Ooh! I'll say...
..Kashmir.
Kashmir... Kashmir. ..says Junior.
Let us find out what happens
when we say Kashmir.
AUDIENCE GROAN
What?!
ALEX LAUGHS
Sorry!
It's a place.
I wish everyone did that!
Sorry. Junior, I'm afraid it's
an incorrect answer.
Oh, can I join Dane's team?
Any time! Sorry, Junior. Yeah,
Kashmir not a country, I'm afraid.
Thank you very much indeed.
Now, Rich, welcome back. Yes.
Lovely to have you. Thank you.
You're about to take a new
show on the road, Hoedown.
When you go off from the edge
of the stage,
you walk on, do you know
what's going to happen?
No, comedians don't...think
that far in advance.
I have jokes, I have songs, they're
thought out... You know what you're
going to do. You have a sort of set
list in your head? Well...
Of what you want to talk about?
Yeah. Roughly.
You have a safety net of stuff...
A landscape.
..that you might do,
but you don't really want to do it.
Nobody's ever
thought this much about comedy...
No-one has ever delved this far
into the semantics of comedy.
We just...
We just come out and we are magical.
We are magical.
Rich. Yes? What are you going to go
for? South Sudan.
South Sudan, says Rich.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
went for South Sudan.
South Sudan is right, 100 is our
high score,
nothing is our low score.
We have nothing in between.
And that goes to one!
Very well done indeed, Rich.
APPLAUSE
Who?! Who was the one person...?
That is a terrific answer, though,
Rich, Very well played.
Over 6,000km of border,
South Sudan. Thank you.
OK... Ed! Welcome back. Thank you.
Welcome back. I can't believe you
haven't been to a final
of one of these before. I thought
you had... I know...
..several trophies back home. No.
No?
My wife is very annoyed at me
that I came home without a trophy.
And now, whenever we watch the show,
occasionally, someone'll get
through that isn't that bright
and they'll get to the end and win
the trophy and my wife
will just point to the TV and point
at me and go, "They have a trophy!"
LAUGHTER
You don't have a trophy!
And then she'd stare
at the empty mantelpiece and
imagine what life would have been...
The space that has been cleared.
..with a smarter comic.
Ed, what are you going to go for?
I... I'm tempted
to play it safe now,
but I'm going to...
I'm pretty sure Kazakhstan's
pretty big.
Kazakhstan. Let's find out.
It's right.
100 remains our high score. One...
There we are, six. Oh, wow.
Six for Kazakhstan.
Well played, Ed. Yeah,
over 13,000km of borders
with five other countries.
Thank you very much indeed, we're
halfway through our first round.
Let's have a look at the scores.
Nothing is the best score so far,
very well done indeed, Dane.
That's fantastic. Then, we go up via
one - Rich and Angela,
six - Ed and Jessie, up to 100...
Yes! ..where we find
Junior and Patrick, so, Patrick...
We're winning. We are!
We're smashing this. Yes, good luck.
You are! Winning the early exit.
There we are. We'll come back down
the line now.
Will the second players, please,
step up to the podium?
OK...
Jessie.
Tell us about Jessie Doodles.
Oh, that's my...
I used to just do doodles and post
them online... Yeah.
..but now I sell them! How...?
And I personalise them. OK.
So people can...e-mail me and say,
"My boyfriend and I have brown hair
"and blonde hair, can you do a
doodle for us?" It takes a lot...
..of my life.
OK, Jessie, you are on six,
which means 93 or less...
Yes. ..gets you into the next round.
And this round's not even finished
yet! Mm-hm!
What are you thinking of?
I'm probably going to
say a really stupid answer. Brazil?
Nothing stupid about that!
Here's your red line.
Let's see what happens
when we say, "Brazil".
Absolutely right.
Yay! 14! I know! Takes your total
up to a lovely round 20.
Perfect.
16,000km of borders
and the relief on Ed Byrne's face.
I feel so much pressure!
I feel... I just don't
want to let you down.
It's so few people... I want you to
get a trophy! It's just...
You seemed so nervous when you went
to... I was so nervous!
..for a moment there, like you
didn't even know what a country was!
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
..I told you!
Thank you very much indeed. Angela.
Hello.
Angela, hello, good evening.
Welcome.
You did a gig in a nuclear bunker.
I did.
I've got a little obsession
with nuclear bunkers. Where was it?
The one I did was in Scotland in
Fife, but I visit them quite a lot.
I did a show about nuclear bunkers.
I spent my 40th birthday
in a nuclear bunker.
How long were you down there?
I was down there overnight.
My boyfriend found one that had been
turned into an Airbnb,
and, luckily, I woke up
on the morning of my birthday,
which was ninth November 2016,
when I turned 40,
and that was the day that
Donald Trump was elected...
..so we just said, "We're
going to stay here now."
Wow, so you are in the bunker?
Yes, stay! It's nice!
Angela, you're on one.
Rich has... I mean, he couldn't have
set you up better.
98 or less... OK. ..gets you into
the next round.
I'm going to go with...
Botswana. Botswana, says Angela.
CROWD OOHS
Yes, ooh...! Here's your red line.
Can you get below this red line
with Botswana? Let's find out.
Yes, you can!
And down it goes to one again!
Look at that! You're amazing on
podium three!
APPLAUSE
Two is your total.
Very well played. It's got borders
with four other countries. Yeah?
Thank you. That's OK. Thank you,
thank you. Patrick. Hello.
Patrick, welcome back... Thank you.
..I think we can say.
Now, I haven't
talked about the longest hug.
Is that a record you hold?
Yeah, well, the actual record was 24
hours and they'd done it in London
at St Pancras and they got couples
to do it, husbands and wives
and someone who's proposed
and fiances and fiancees
and a friend of mine...
Well, a comedian everyone will know,
he was a promoter...
Bob Slayer, he said,
"Look, you like giving out hugs..."
When I used to do my shows,
I used to give out hugs at the end
of the show,
so Bob said, "Why don't
you just do a record where
"you could beat a 24-hour hug?" So
I said, "Yeah, that's a good idea.
"We'll do this", and we actually
did it for 25 hours and 25 minutes.
We did it when I was up at the
Edinburgh Festival. And... With Bob?
With Bob Slayer.
But how do you do it?
INDISTINCT SPEECH
..the pooings.
If you do something for more
than 24 hours, or 20 hours,
you're allowed five minutes' break
every four hours, but we didn't
bother with that, we just thought,
when we went to the toilet, we...
Surprisingly, he could
wee right over my shoulder, so...
We just sort of... We didn't
even need to go to the toilet.
Sounds lovely.
Patrick, you're our high-scorers
at the moment. Yes.
What are you going to go for?
The country that I first came
from, I was born in Iran,
but, then, I'm just panicking cos
I just realised that half of it is
a land border and half isn't.
Let's go for Iran, then, and let's
see what happens. OK, Iran.
There's no red line for you,
as you're the high-scorers,
but let's see how
many of our 100 people said, "Iran."
Iran is right. Wow.
Down it goes to seven.
Oh...! Oh, so close!
107, your total.
Yeah, nearly 6,000km of borders,
there,
seven countries it borders onto.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Now, then, Shazia, how are you?
All right, thank you. You've been
so patient, waiting all this time.
You used to teach science.
That's right.
Not only used to teach science,
you taught Dizzee Rascal.
Well, I tried to. It was very
difficult for him and me.
We both hated each other.
LAUGHTER
Seriously? He was so awful,
because he never brought anything
to school with him, not even a pen!
And he was a rascal
because he used to just...
..dismantle the whole school!
Sorry, I shouldn't
speak about my students like that.
You insisted on calling him
Oscillating Rascal
as well, didn't you?
OK, Shazia,
what are you going to go for?
It doesn't matter what you score,
you're through to the next round
anyway,
but it'd be nice to have another
Pointless answer.
OK, I think I'll go for Chad.
Chad. Nice.
No red line, you're already through.
How many of our 100 people
said Chad?
Chad is right.
It would be lovely if this
were Pointless.
Oh, wow! One!
Very well done indeed, though.
One for Chad. Oh, man!
Very, very well played.
Now, listen, we only got one
Pointless answer,
a few one-pointers as well,
so some great answers.
Loads of pointless answers here.
Let's take a look at some of them.
You could have added
money to the jackpot with...
You could have Benin, Bosnia,
Bulgaria, Burkina Faso, Burundi,
Cote d'Ivoire, Ecuador, Eritrea,
Gabon, Georgia, Ghana, Guatemala,
Guinea, Guyana, Honduras, Jordan,
Laos, Latvia, Liberia, Malawi,
Mauritania, Moldova, Nicaragua,
Oman, Paraguay, Senegal, Serbia,
Sierra Leone, Slovenia, Somalia,
Suriname, Tajikistan and Togo.
Those are Pointless answers.
Beautiful.
Very well done if you said any of
them.
APPLAUSE
Thank you very much. A lot, isn't
there? There is a lot. Yeah!
And we found one - brilliant.
So, at the end of our first round,
we have to say goodbye to one of our
pairs. Patrick and Junior, it's you.
Thank you. I'm so sorry, it's been
lovely having you here,
but just too brief! What happened?
Kashmir! Fair enough!
Patrick and Junior, everybody!
Thank you very much. Thank you.
Back to the remaining three pairs,
it's now time for Round Two.
Well done, everybody. Well done.
We made it through the Geography
round.
Here we are, Round Two. You'll
notice one of our couples has gone.
I'm sorry about that. Good luck,
best of luck to all three pairs.
Our category for Round Two
this evening is...
Can you all decide in your pairs,
who is going to go first and second?
And whoever's going first,
please, step up to the podium.
OK, and the question concerns...
Oh, my favourite kind of people.
On each board, we'll show you six
clues to people born in 1970
and their initials. Can you tell us
who they are, please?
We were both born in 1970, you and
I, so we can both play a sub-game
of are we more or less successful
then the people on this board?
LAUGHTER
I think we know the answer to that
even before we've started!
But people who are more or less
happy, as well. Oh, that's true.
..a different metric. A different
measure of success. Yeah.
Hopefully, the really successful
ones will be unhappy!
I hope so.
Yeah, thank you.
OK, so, we are looking
for the names of these people,
they were all born in 1970.
And we've got...
And here they are one more time.
There we are.
All of them born in 1970.
Which one do you want to go for,
Shazia?
The most obscure one. Good, yes!
LAUGHTER
Which one's that?
I know two, but they're
very popular.
The Streatham-born supermodel is
Naomi Campbell.
Naomi Campbell, says Shazia.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said Naomi Campbell.
Naomi Campbell is right.
And it goes down to 29!
APPLAUSE
It's good. Yes, very well played.
It's difficult to know if she's
been more successful than us.
She's been more successful in
modelling than us. Yeah...
And she's certainly looking better
for her age... She is! ..than us.
We will give her that! Yeah!
But is she happy?
Hard to tell... Oh... I think,
let's call that one a draw.
LAUGHTER
Now, Angela... I'm going to go for
the US singer-songwriter,
known for Mellow Gold
and Midnite Vultures
and that is Beck. Beck. How many of
our 100 people said Beck?
It's right! 29's the only score we
have so far.
And you pass it!
Down it goes to three!
Very well done indeed.
APPLAUSE
I mean, he is cooler than us,
that's for sure,
but he's cooler than pretty
much everyone! Yeah.
His real name is Beck, but B-E-K.
It was Bek Campbell
and then he changed it to Beck,
B-E-C-K Hansen...
..for whatever reason.
And neither of us have done that!
No, we've never done that.
Although, you're Alexander
and you call yourself Xander so you
and Beck have that in common.
I suppose... Pretty much...
And a lot of people call me Dick,
so we have that in common as well...
LAUGHTER
Thank you very much indeed.
Now, Jessie.
This board, by the way...
Mm-hm? ..all yours. Yep. Oh, right.
OK. I only know the obvious ones,
so I think... That's OK.
..so, I... I'm sorry... I'm really
sorry about the trophy thing again.
OK, so I'm going to go with
the English journalist
and film-maker known for
Weird Weekends series,
the genius Louis Theroux,
who I love.
OK, Louis Theroux, says Jessie.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said Louis Theroux.
It is right. 29's our high score,
three is our low.
And you're down to 16, very well
done indeed, Jessie.
You see?
Well played, Jessie. Yes,
Louis Theroux, and he's clearly
more successful than us because
Jessie loves him. You know?
I love you too! Oh, do you? Yes.
Oh, OK, then, that is another draw.
Nice! Shall we fill in the rest
of this board? Yes.
Definitely more successful than us,
the US actor. Matt Damon, yeah.
Yes, you've got to hand
that to him - 45.
We're more successful than the
Mayor of London, surely. Sadiq Khan.
He would've scored 36.
I know he's successful, but, you
know...? Yeah...
He had to work very, very hard.
Has he got a teatime quiz show?
I don't think so!
And the tennis player, do you
remember her? Oh, Gabriela...
Gabriela Sabatini.
Gabriela Sabatini would have scored
you seven points. OK, good.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
We are halfway through our round.
Let's have a quick look
at those scores.
Three, the best score so far,
very well done indeed, Angela.
You're looking great on that middle
podium, I must say! Very well done.
16's where we find Jessie and Ed.
29 is where we find Shazia and Dane.
So, yes, I mean,
not wildly ahead, Dane.
A nice, low score on the next board
could keep you in the game. Yeah.
We're going to come back down
the line now.
Will the second players please step
up to the podium?
OK, let's put six more people
born in 1970 up on the board,
and here they are. We've got...
Let me read those again.
There we go.
Ed?
Yeah, um...
I will go for the
Canadian journalist,
who I think is Naomi Klein.
Naomi Klein. Naomi Klein,
OK, here is your red line.
Can you get below that?
Let's find out with Naomi Klein.
Naomi Klein's right.
It has the feel of a good,
low-scoring answer,
and it is. Look at that.
Down it goes to one.
Very well done, Ed.
Takes your total up to 17.
APPLAUSE
Yeah, her debut book No Logo
was out in 2000.
She comes from a very
politically active family.
Her grandfather worked for Disney
and was sacked for
organising a labour union,
and she's only Canadian
because her family moved to Canada
to protest the Vietnam War.
There we go.
Rich, what are you going to go for?
25 or less is what you want.
I don't... I...
I guess I'll go with the top one,
English footballer.
Alan Shearer. Alan Shearer,
says Rich.
Here is your red line.
Can you get below that with
Alan Shearer? Let's find out.
48 takes your total up to 51.
APPLAUSE
He's been more successful than us.
But he's a sports person.
He is a sports person.
So they get their success early,
don't they? Yeah.
When he won the Premier League
with Blackburn,
they asked him, how did he
celebrate? And he said he celebrated
by creosoting a fence
with his father-in-law.
That's 1970... Could have used
a brush, but there we are.
LAUGHTER
Thank you. Dane. Yes.
You're on 29. If you score 21 or
less, you're into the head-to-head.
Oh, OK. Um...
Do you want to talk us through
the board for fun?
No, I'll mess it up.
LAUGHTER
So I'll go with my answer first,
and then we can have a conversation
around the other choices afterwards.
So we'll lock this in first
and see how it goes. OK.
So the US star who won the
Best Supporting Actress Oscar
for the 2011 film The Help,
I believe is Octavia Spencer.
Octavia Spencer.
Here is your red line.
Can you get below that red line with
Octavia Spencer? Let's find out.
It's right.
Yes! You've done it!
You've done it. Well done.
Seven for Octavia Spencer,
taking your total up to 36.
Very well done.
Yeah, also won a Bafta
and a Golden Globe
for that same performance,
Octavia Spencer.
Well played, Dane. Suriname
and Octavia Spencer. I know.
He's having a good show,
isn't he, Dane? He is. He is.
Now, we should make him go through
the rest of the board, though,
because he said he would.
I've got, um... The cricketer?
I know, um... I don't know
the cricketer, but I know...
Is it Simon Pegg, from...
Simon Pegg...
..Hot Fuzz? ..is the right answer.
That would have scored you...
..34.
And First Minister of Scotland?
Nicola Sturgeon. Nicola Sturgeon.
Yeah.
She would have scored you 37.
She is more successful than us.
She is in charge of a country.
I mean, to be fair.
And the cricketer,
do you know the cricketer?
Darren Gough. Darren Gough. Oh!
Would have scored 17.
So the best answer on that board,
Ed, is Naomi Klein.
Very well played. Very good indeed.
Thank you, Richard. We're
at the end of our second round.
I can't bear this. Rich and Angela,
you've been our low scorers.
You've been fantastic.
Thank you so much for playing.
It's been lovely having you here.
Rich and Angela!
APPLAUSE
But, for our two remaining pairs,
it's now time for the head-to-head.
Congratulations, Dane and Shazia,
Ed and Jessie,
you are now one step closer
to the final
and a chance to play
for our jackpot,
which currently stands at...
APPLAUSE
So here's the point
where we have to decide
who goes through to the final
and plays for that jackpot,
and we do it by making
you go head-to-head.
But you now play as a pair. You can
chat before you give your answers.
First pair to win two questions
will be playing for that jackpot.
It's going to be very close.
Yeah, these comedians,
comedians are always very clever.
Yeah, always.
Or, well, good at trivia.
Yes, that's...
That's the one, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I wouldn't trust any of you
to build a bridge, but... No.
We can build bridges that are
metaphorical. Oh, of course. Yeah.
OK, on that note,
let's play the head-to-head.
APPLAUSE
Here is your first question,
and it concerns...
Richard? Yeah, we're going to play
you clips now of five songs,
all of which share their names
with UK quiz and game shows,
but what are these songs called,
please?
OK, as Richard said, we're
going to hear these five clips.
Let's have a listen. Here is clip A.
# I know I won't be leaving here
# With you
INAUDIBLE
# I say, "Don't you know?"
# You say you don't know. #
Yeah. Yeah, took me a while.
Here's B.
# Time and time and time again
# I look to me, my only friend
# Time and time and time again
# Are you here for my pleasure? #
Here's C.
# Tell them all I know now
# Shout it from the rooftops
# Write it on the skyline
# All we had is gone now
# Tell them I was happy
# And my heart is broken
# All my scars are open. #
Here's D.
# A point is all that you can score
# Working for the black gas
# Cowboy number one
# A born-again poor man's son
# Poor man's son
# On the air America
# I modelled shirts by Van Heusen
# Working for the black gas. #
And here's E.
# How long till reason
makes us small again?
# And it feels just like
we just got started
# It's still you
# Taking me under
# We turn to be scared
# Then decide that we don't care
# Wear ourselves out
on the way down. #
Wow, there we are.
Yeah, five songs that share their
titles with quiz and game shows.
Some good songs.
Yeah, good songs, as well.
There we are. Dane and Shazia,
you are our golden couple,
so you get to go first.
We'll go with C,
and is it Impossible?
You're going to go for Impossible.
OK, C, Impossible.
Ed and Jessie, do you want to
talk us through the rest of them?
Um, yeah, we didn't know B or C.
So that's good.
LAUGHTER
A was Take Me Out.
D was...
We knew it, what was it again?
You knew it. You knew it.
It was Two Tribes, that's right.
Yeah. And then E...
We're going to go for E,
which is Sale Of The Century.
Sale Of The Century.
We've got Impossible
and we've got Sale Of The Century.
Dane and Shazia have
gone for Impossible for C.
Let's see how many of our 100
said Impossible.
Impossible is right.
And it goes down to 19, not bad.
APPLAUSE
Ed and Jessie, meanwhile, have
gone for Sale Of The Century.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said that. Sale Of The Century.
Absolutely right.
It is Sale Of The Century, and...
That wins you the point!
There we are, very well done indeed.
Down to six!
APPLAUSE
Are you all right? I hit him!
I've got them... I'm so sorry!
Are you OK?
I've just been assaulted!
I just... She... Just one of your
teeth on the floor, there, Ed.
I'm so sorry! It's all right.
Are you all right? It's all right.
Blimey.
Well, listen, well done.
What better way to celebrate...?
LAUGHTER
I've never seen that game show.
Is that what they do?
LAUGHTER
Pretty much, yes. After one
question, Ed and Jessie...
I'm so sorry!
..you are up 1-0.
You see, it's fascinating, isn't it?
Cos Jessie seems so lovely
and yet she's...
Anyone in the industry will tell
you, she's very... She's vicious.
Yeah. Very, very... Very dangerous.
Very well done. Sale Of The Century
by Sleeper, of course.
Impossible by James Arthur,
the Rick Edwards game show.
Let's take a little listen
to the others.
# I know I won't be
leaving here... #
Take Me Out. Take Me Out.
Franz Ferdinand.
Paddy McGuinness show.
Now, B is another good answer.
Oasis? Shed Seven. Shed Seven.
One of the very rare...
Going For Gold.
..lovely appearance for Shed Seven.
Going For Gold by Shed Seven.
Would have scored you eight points.
And the last one, I said
I couldn't think of any quiz shows
that have the same name as songs,
and I...
It's Two Tribes, which I presented,
so that goes to show.
LAUGHTER
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
Anyway, Two Tribes was
the biggest scorer there
cos it was the best show, I think.
LAUGHTER
I'm sure that's how that works!
35, that would have scored.
Thank you very much indeed. OK, now,
here comes your second question.
Now, Dane and Shazia, you have to
win this one to stay in the game,
but Ed and Jessie get to answer it
first, so good luck.
Our second question is all about...
Richard? Yeah, going to show you
five pictures now of
female TV drama screenwriters. We'll
give you their initials as well.
But who are these people, please?
Thank you very much indeed.
Let's reveal our five female
TV drama screenwriters.
That's a lot of words!
There's a formula in there,
isn't there? EMC, yeah. Yeah.
OK, there we are.
Now, then, Ed and Jessie,
you get to go first.
JESSIE: That's Michaela Coel,
isn't it? Yeah, go for it.
We're going to go with E,
Michaela Coel.
Michaela Coel, say Ed and Jessie.
Michaela Coel, E.
Dane and Shazia, do you want to talk
us through the rest of that board?
SHAZIA: Phoebe Waller-Bridges is B,
Victoria Wood...
THEY CONFER
We'll go for Victoria Wood.
OK, you're going to say C,
Victoria Wood.
So we have Michaela Coel
and we have Victoria Wood.
Ed and Jessie went for
Michaela Coel for E.
Let's see how many of
our 100 people got that.
Michaela Coel is right.
It's a good score,
down that goes to two!
Very well done indeed,
Ed and Jessie.
APPLAUSE
Two for Michaela Coel.
Dane and Shazia, meanwhile, have
gone for Victoria Wood for C.
Let's see how many of our
100 people got Victoria Wood.
It's right.
Down to 57.
APPLAUSE
Which means, Ed and Jessie,
very well done indeed,
after only two questions, you're
straight through to the final.
Yeah, very well done.
Two lovely answers, as well.
Victoria Wood and Michaela Coel, two
geniuses from different generations.
A is...
Do you know A? She's Kay. I can't
remember what the M stands for.
Kay Mellor. Kay Mellor. Yeah.
Did Fat Friends,
all sorts of things. Yeah.
She would have scored nine points.
Phoebe Waller-Bridge...
..would have scored you 13.
Wow. And the best answer
on the board,
the co-creator of EastEnders,
Julia Smith. Oh.
And she's a pointless answer.
Very well done if you said that.
Thank you very much indeed.
So the pair leaving us at the
end of the head-to-head round,
I'm afraid, Dane and Shazia,
it's you.
You've been so brilliant
throughout the show, though.
Every round, low scorers.
It's been fun.
Thank you, it's been great.
And I want Ed's marriage to work.
LAUGHTER
Well, there's a couple of things
you could help me with on that,
actually!
LAUGHTER
Dane and Shazia,
please come and play again,
it's been lovely having you here.
Thank you so much. Dane and Shazia!
But, for Ed and Jessie, it's now
time for our Pointless final.
Congratulations, Ed and Jessie,
you have fought off
all the competition
and you have won our
coveted Pointless trophy.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
ED: Yes!
I'm just going to parade
that around at home
and then play hard to get
for the rest of the night!
LAUGHTER
You now have a chance to win our
Pointless jackpot
for your charities,
and at the end of today's show,
the jackpot is standing at...
APPLAUSE
Oh, well done. Well done, well done.
Jessie, what do you want to see
come up in this last round?
What's going to help you
win that jackpot?
Um... Probably celebrity-based
information.
Popular culture. Lovely.
There we go. OK, very nice. Ed?
Um, I'm, yeah, the same.
But, you know, a good name
an actor from a film,
or name a film an actor's been in.
Well, let's see what we've got.
Four things up here on the board,
let's hope one of these
things fits the bill.
What do we think?
Golf majors is right out.
No.
US Vice President... No.
Novelty hits or
The League Of Gentlemen,
what do you think?
Definitely novelty hits, please.
Novelty hits? Yes.
Righty ho. Novelty hits it is.
Novelty hits. OK, very best of luck.
Use your 60 seconds wisely here,
because I promise you'll be singing
something through in your head,
and you will be at home, as well.
And I apologise for the songs
I'm about to put in your head.
We are looking for any word
of five letters or more, please,
in the lyrics to Agadoo.
Any word of five letters or more
from the Spitting Image song
The Chicken Song.
Or any word of five letters or more
in the lyrics to Lily The Pink,
please.
So five letters or more in Agadoo,
The Chicken Song or Lily The Pink.
Very, very best of luck.
OK, now, as always,
you've got up to a minute
to come up with three answers.
All you need to win that jackpot
for your charities
is for just one of your answers
to be pointless.
Are you ready? Yes. No.
LAUGHTER
Are you ready now? Yes.
OK, good, OK. No!
Oh, right, OK. So, no,
it's important you're ready. OK.
Are you...? Yes, you are ready?
You're ready? Yes. Yes.
OK, let's put 60 seconds up
on the clock.
There they are.
Your time starts now.
The Chicken Song was the
one from Spitting Image,
and it was, you know... Yeah.
.."Hold a chicken in the air,
stick a deckchair up your nose,
"climb inside the dog
and behead an Eskimo." Mm-hm.
That's certainly... Yeah.
I don't understand this game.
LAUGHTER
We need to think of a word
that's five letters...
Behead and Eskimo would be
two that I would suggest.
What words do you know from Agadoo?
Just "Agadoo".
LAUGHTER
I don't know.
There's "grind coffee"...
I think this is on you, now.
I'm just going to be silent.
ED MUTTERS
I don't know any words
in any of these songs!
ED HUMS
# Climb inside a dog
and behead an Eskimo... #
I can't, I just...
I used to know the whole thing!
"Fly a jumbo jet,"
that was another one.
Um... I'm sorry. Let's go for jumbo,
behead and Eskimo.
Ten seconds left.
Yes, great. OK? Yes, all good.
Are we happy with those three words?
Absolutely. Yeah.
OK. Good choice.
We're... I think...
OK, look, well, there we are.
Your minute has now run out.
Let's have your three answers.
What are you going to go for?
Well, they're all for
The Chicken Song. OK.
And they are jumbo... Jumbo.
..behead... Behead.
..and Eskimo. And Eskimo.
Of those three, which is your
best shot at a pointless answer?
I think jumbo. I think
the reference to the jumbo jet...
I think jumbo, too.
Yeah, jumbo is good.
Let's see, which is your least
likely
to be pointless, do you think?
Eskimo, I think. Eskimo.
And behead goes in the middle.
OK, well, let's put those answers up
on the board in that order, then,
and here they are. We've got...
If one of these turns out
to be pointless
and wins that jackpot for you, which
charities are you playing for? Ed?
I am playing for the
Cairngorm Mountain Rescue.
Very nice indeed. Jessie?
I'm playing for
the Ovarian Cancer Action charity.
Excellent.
APPLAUSE
Two lovely charities,
three decent answers on the board.
Let's hope one of these answers wins
that jackpot for your charities.
Your first answer was Eskimo.
In all three cases, we're looking
for words of five letters or more
from The Chicken Song. You've
gone for Eskimo in the first case.
Let's see how many
of our 100 people said Eskimo.
For £2,750, could it be pointless?
It's right.
It just has to go all
the way down to zero,
and your charities will get £2,750.
Down we go through single figures,
still going down, still going down,
one! One! Oh!
Oh, my goodness!
APPLAUSE
Well, that's good. Yeah.
And you thought that was your least
likely to be pointless. Yeah.
I love, though, that Ed was keeping
his distance, just in case, there!
LAUGHTER
"Yay!"
Let's hope nobody said your next
answer, which was behead.
Again, words of five letters or more
from The Chicken Song.
Is it pointless, for £2,750, behead?
It's right. Eskimo was right,
took us all the way down to one.
Behead, could that score less
than one?
Let's find out.
Behead, still going down,
down we go through single figures.
Passing one, you've done it!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Fantastic, that's brilliant.
Well done, come here.
What about that?
Behead was a pointless answer,
which means you're taking home
our jackpot of £2,750
for your charities.
What about that, Richard?
Oh, what a great show, and a great
win, as well. Congratulations.
Well done, Jessie and Ed.
I'm going to take you through the
pointless answers
in the different categories now,
see if you've got any of those.
Jumbo, by the way, would
have scored you six, so...
Oh, really?
Yeah, it would have done.
Agadoo...
..shore, showed, teach and where.
They were the pointless
answers there.
Pineapple and shake
were the biggest scorers.
Now, Chicken Song.
Casserole, grating,
humming, salami...
..I'm sure I've eaten
that in a Hoxton restaurant.
LAUGHTER
Almost certain.
And lots of other pointless
answers there.
Disembowel, nauseating,
vibrating, Renault, discos.
All sorts of stuff going on there.
Now, Lily The Pink, finally.
Very well done if you said any of
those at home, congratulations.
And congratulations in the studio,
terrific show and a terrific finish.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
And thanks once again to
Ed and Jessie, our winning players,
who take away today's jackpot
of £2,750 for their charities.
Join us next time when we'll
be putting more obscure knowledge
to the test on
Pointless Celebrities.
Meanwhile, it's goodbye
from Richard... Goodbye.
And it's goodbye from me. Goodbye.
APPLAUSE
Thank you very much indeed.
Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong
and a very warm welcome to this
special comedians' edition of
Pointless Celebrities,
the show where we're always striving
to find the most obscure answers.
Let's meet this evening's
Pointless Celebrities.
APPLAUSE
And couple number one.
Hello, my name is Lenny Henry and...
..I'm a comedian at the moment
and I am touring currently
with my show, Coconut.
I'm Dane Baptiste,
I'm a comedian and writer.
I'll be touring next year.
APPLAUSE
Couple number two!
My name is Junior Simpson, I thought
there were going to be mechanics
on here, but... I also am, you know,
a joke-teller person
and I'm standing here
with my twin brother, Patrick.
Thank you very much.
I am also Junior Simpson
and I am also known
as Patrick Monahan for tax reasons.
I'm a stand-up comedian and
I am currently on tour with a show
called Started From The Bottom,
Now I'm Here.
APPLAUSE
Thank you.
Couple number three!
Hi, I am Angela Barnes,
I'm a stand-up comedian
and I am currently on tour with a
show called Rose Tinted,
where I'm trying and failing to
look at the bright side of things.
Rich Hall. Yeah.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
And, finally, couple number four.
Hi, I'm Jessie Cave, I'm an actress
and comedian and I'm currently
doing a show with my sister which is
mainly me bossing her around.
My name's Ed and I'm on tour with
a show called If I'm Honest
and I'm pretty sure that'll be true
even if you're watching this on
repeat.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
Thank you all very much indeed,
very warm welcome to the show.
Lovely to have you all here,
we'll chat,
of course, throughout the show
as it goes along.
That just leaves one more person
for me to introduce.
He's got a bigger funny bone
than most of us,
just don't...stare at it. It's my
Pointless friend, it's Richard.
Hiya.
APPLAUSE
Hey, everybody. Good evening.
Good evening to you. And to you.
Now, this has all the hallmarks of
what we like to call
a long recording.
LAUGHTER
Lovely to have you all here,
a few people have been on before,
Ed and Rich have both been through
to the head-to-head... Oh, yeah.
..before, impressive.
Jessie's been through to Round Two,
but we welcome
lots of newcomers as well.
Podium one, Dane and Shazia haven't
been on here before,
but I've worked with Dane
on House Of Games
and Shazia on Child Genius,
they're both very clever. I know!
Yeah, so, they're going to be tough
to beat, I think.
And podium two, welcome, Junior
and Patrick. Now, Patrick,
you couldn't be more welcome on this
show. He was our first ever
warm-up guy in episode one of
Pointless, TV centre. Was it...1968?
It was late '67. Late 1967,
so he was our first ever warm-up,
and so lovely to have you back as a
contestant.
Who'd have thought
we'd still be here?
Lovely. Thank you very much indeed,
Richard.
As usual, all of today's questions
have been put to 100 people before
the show.
Our contestants here are on the
lookout for these all-important
Pointless answers, these are answers
that none of our 100 people gave.
Find one of those,
and we'll add £250 to the jackpot.
Today's show, as you can see,
is a celebrity special.
Each of our celebrities is
playing for a nominated charity,
so we're going to start off with a
slightly larger jackpot than usual,
a jackpot of £2,500. There it is.
APPLAUSE
Right, if everyone's ready,
let's play Pointless.
Now, as you know, it will be the
pair with the highest score
at the end of each round
that we'll be eliminating,
so keep your scores as low as
you possibly can and you'll be fine.
Best of luck to all four pairs.
Our first category, this evening,
is...
Can you all decide, based on
that, who wants to go first
who wants to go second,
and whoever's going first,
please, step up to the podium.
OK, let's find out what the
question is, here it comes.
Patrick, what are you doing?!
Sorry, sorry.
Do you remember nothing from
those early days?!
I was too busy wrestling with
the audience back then!
I used to get old ladies up,
we used to dance.
Those were the days...
Can I just point out that,
backstage, they mentioned to him
that he used to do the warm-up on
this and Patrick did not remember.
I'm just saying that should be
known!
He said, "Do you know what? I don't
think I ever did! Are you sure?"
Back in the '60s, it was a long
time ago, we didn't have ceilings,
we didn't have anything back then.
OK, let's find
out what the question is.
We gave 100 people 100 seconds
to name as many...
..as they could.
Yeah, we're looking for any country
in the world that has
1,000 kilometres or more
of land borders, please,
so lots and lots of countries
with 1,000km of land borders.
As always, by country, we mean a
sovereign state that's a member
of the UN in its own right.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Dane, welcome.
Good to have you here.
So, Dane, was it always going to be
comedy for you? From the start?
I feel like... Yeah,
I was always a closet comedian.
I knew who I was, but wasn't
able to come out to my parents...
Until what age? I mean, I think
it was really late in life.
It took a while for them
to understand,
but now they accept my lifestyle,
so...
And if, one day, I decide to marry
a comedian or we decide to
adopt a comedian, I feel like
they'll support me, so it's great.
Beautiful.
Dane, what are you going to go for?
I'll go with Suriname.
Oh, ho-ho! Suriname?
Let's see how many
of our 100 people said Suriname.
Now, that's a very good answer. Yes.
I say!
Look at that,
it's a Pointless answer!
Dane, straight out of it,
it's a Pointless answer.
That's £250 added to the jackpot,
takes the total up to £2,750.
Scores you nothing,
very well done indeed.
I told you he was bright, didn't I?
Yes, over nearly 2,000 km
of border, Suriname, it's a good
answer. Very good.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Thank you. Junior. Hello. Welcome.
Now, Junior, you have performed...
Tell me, all the countries you've
performed in. You've been
all over the place, haven't you?
Yes, but I've never then there,
to...Suriname. No Suriname?
Where's the toughest crowd? France!
That's not my answer, by the way!
Not my answer.
France is a difficult place for me
to play
because I just don't speak French.
Do you have the French? No!
And the audience, they didn't
appreciate when I put
a Jamaican tinge on things as well.
So, apart from that,
it was a lovely gig.
Why did you do the gig in France?!
IN A JAMAICAN ACCENT: Well, they
invited me and I thought,
"I'd go and say, 'Hello.'"
OK, now, Junior...
Yes. Countries with 1,000
kilometres of land borders.
What do we think? OK, um...
Ooh! I'll say...
..Kashmir.
Kashmir... Kashmir. ..says Junior.
Let us find out what happens
when we say Kashmir.
AUDIENCE GROAN
What?!
ALEX LAUGHS
Sorry!
It's a place.
I wish everyone did that!
Sorry. Junior, I'm afraid it's
an incorrect answer.
Oh, can I join Dane's team?
Any time! Sorry, Junior. Yeah,
Kashmir not a country, I'm afraid.
Thank you very much indeed.
Now, Rich, welcome back. Yes.
Lovely to have you. Thank you.
You're about to take a new
show on the road, Hoedown.
When you go off from the edge
of the stage,
you walk on, do you know
what's going to happen?
No, comedians don't...think
that far in advance.
I have jokes, I have songs, they're
thought out... You know what you're
going to do. You have a sort of set
list in your head? Well...
Of what you want to talk about?
Yeah. Roughly.
You have a safety net of stuff...
A landscape.
..that you might do,
but you don't really want to do it.
Nobody's ever
thought this much about comedy...
No-one has ever delved this far
into the semantics of comedy.
We just...
We just come out and we are magical.
We are magical.
Rich. Yes? What are you going to go
for? South Sudan.
South Sudan, says Rich.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
went for South Sudan.
South Sudan is right, 100 is our
high score,
nothing is our low score.
We have nothing in between.
And that goes to one!
Very well done indeed, Rich.
APPLAUSE
Who?! Who was the one person...?
That is a terrific answer, though,
Rich, Very well played.
Over 6,000km of border,
South Sudan. Thank you.
OK... Ed! Welcome back. Thank you.
Welcome back. I can't believe you
haven't been to a final
of one of these before. I thought
you had... I know...
..several trophies back home. No.
No?
My wife is very annoyed at me
that I came home without a trophy.
And now, whenever we watch the show,
occasionally, someone'll get
through that isn't that bright
and they'll get to the end and win
the trophy and my wife
will just point to the TV and point
at me and go, "They have a trophy!"
LAUGHTER
You don't have a trophy!
And then she'd stare
at the empty mantelpiece and
imagine what life would have been...
The space that has been cleared.
..with a smarter comic.
Ed, what are you going to go for?
I... I'm tempted
to play it safe now,
but I'm going to...
I'm pretty sure Kazakhstan's
pretty big.
Kazakhstan. Let's find out.
It's right.
100 remains our high score. One...
There we are, six. Oh, wow.
Six for Kazakhstan.
Well played, Ed. Yeah,
over 13,000km of borders
with five other countries.
Thank you very much indeed, we're
halfway through our first round.
Let's have a look at the scores.
Nothing is the best score so far,
very well done indeed, Dane.
That's fantastic. Then, we go up via
one - Rich and Angela,
six - Ed and Jessie, up to 100...
Yes! ..where we find
Junior and Patrick, so, Patrick...
We're winning. We are!
We're smashing this. Yes, good luck.
You are! Winning the early exit.
There we are. We'll come back down
the line now.
Will the second players, please,
step up to the podium?
OK...
Jessie.
Tell us about Jessie Doodles.
Oh, that's my...
I used to just do doodles and post
them online... Yeah.
..but now I sell them! How...?
And I personalise them. OK.
So people can...e-mail me and say,
"My boyfriend and I have brown hair
"and blonde hair, can you do a
doodle for us?" It takes a lot...
..of my life.
OK, Jessie, you are on six,
which means 93 or less...
Yes. ..gets you into the next round.
And this round's not even finished
yet! Mm-hm!
What are you thinking of?
I'm probably going to
say a really stupid answer. Brazil?
Nothing stupid about that!
Here's your red line.
Let's see what happens
when we say, "Brazil".
Absolutely right.
Yay! 14! I know! Takes your total
up to a lovely round 20.
Perfect.
16,000km of borders
and the relief on Ed Byrne's face.
I feel so much pressure!
I feel... I just don't
want to let you down.
It's so few people... I want you to
get a trophy! It's just...
You seemed so nervous when you went
to... I was so nervous!
..for a moment there, like you
didn't even know what a country was!
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
..I told you!
Thank you very much indeed. Angela.
Hello.
Angela, hello, good evening.
Welcome.
You did a gig in a nuclear bunker.
I did.
I've got a little obsession
with nuclear bunkers. Where was it?
The one I did was in Scotland in
Fife, but I visit them quite a lot.
I did a show about nuclear bunkers.
I spent my 40th birthday
in a nuclear bunker.
How long were you down there?
I was down there overnight.
My boyfriend found one that had been
turned into an Airbnb,
and, luckily, I woke up
on the morning of my birthday,
which was ninth November 2016,
when I turned 40,
and that was the day that
Donald Trump was elected...
..so we just said, "We're
going to stay here now."
Wow, so you are in the bunker?
Yes, stay! It's nice!
Angela, you're on one.
Rich has... I mean, he couldn't have
set you up better.
98 or less... OK. ..gets you into
the next round.
I'm going to go with...
Botswana. Botswana, says Angela.
CROWD OOHS
Yes, ooh...! Here's your red line.
Can you get below this red line
with Botswana? Let's find out.
Yes, you can!
And down it goes to one again!
Look at that! You're amazing on
podium three!
APPLAUSE
Two is your total.
Very well played. It's got borders
with four other countries. Yeah?
Thank you. That's OK. Thank you,
thank you. Patrick. Hello.
Patrick, welcome back... Thank you.
..I think we can say.
Now, I haven't
talked about the longest hug.
Is that a record you hold?
Yeah, well, the actual record was 24
hours and they'd done it in London
at St Pancras and they got couples
to do it, husbands and wives
and someone who's proposed
and fiances and fiancees
and a friend of mine...
Well, a comedian everyone will know,
he was a promoter...
Bob Slayer, he said,
"Look, you like giving out hugs..."
When I used to do my shows,
I used to give out hugs at the end
of the show,
so Bob said, "Why don't
you just do a record where
"you could beat a 24-hour hug?" So
I said, "Yeah, that's a good idea.
"We'll do this", and we actually
did it for 25 hours and 25 minutes.
We did it when I was up at the
Edinburgh Festival. And... With Bob?
With Bob Slayer.
But how do you do it?
INDISTINCT SPEECH
..the pooings.
If you do something for more
than 24 hours, or 20 hours,
you're allowed five minutes' break
every four hours, but we didn't
bother with that, we just thought,
when we went to the toilet, we...
Surprisingly, he could
wee right over my shoulder, so...
We just sort of... We didn't
even need to go to the toilet.
Sounds lovely.
Patrick, you're our high-scorers
at the moment. Yes.
What are you going to go for?
The country that I first came
from, I was born in Iran,
but, then, I'm just panicking cos
I just realised that half of it is
a land border and half isn't.
Let's go for Iran, then, and let's
see what happens. OK, Iran.
There's no red line for you,
as you're the high-scorers,
but let's see how
many of our 100 people said, "Iran."
Iran is right. Wow.
Down it goes to seven.
Oh...! Oh, so close!
107, your total.
Yeah, nearly 6,000km of borders,
there,
seven countries it borders onto.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
Now, then, Shazia, how are you?
All right, thank you. You've been
so patient, waiting all this time.
You used to teach science.
That's right.
Not only used to teach science,
you taught Dizzee Rascal.
Well, I tried to. It was very
difficult for him and me.
We both hated each other.
LAUGHTER
Seriously? He was so awful,
because he never brought anything
to school with him, not even a pen!
And he was a rascal
because he used to just...
..dismantle the whole school!
Sorry, I shouldn't
speak about my students like that.
You insisted on calling him
Oscillating Rascal
as well, didn't you?
OK, Shazia,
what are you going to go for?
It doesn't matter what you score,
you're through to the next round
anyway,
but it'd be nice to have another
Pointless answer.
OK, I think I'll go for Chad.
Chad. Nice.
No red line, you're already through.
How many of our 100 people
said Chad?
Chad is right.
It would be lovely if this
were Pointless.
Oh, wow! One!
Very well done indeed, though.
One for Chad. Oh, man!
Very, very well played.
Now, listen, we only got one
Pointless answer,
a few one-pointers as well,
so some great answers.
Loads of pointless answers here.
Let's take a look at some of them.
You could have added
money to the jackpot with...
You could have Benin, Bosnia,
Bulgaria, Burkina Faso, Burundi,
Cote d'Ivoire, Ecuador, Eritrea,
Gabon, Georgia, Ghana, Guatemala,
Guinea, Guyana, Honduras, Jordan,
Laos, Latvia, Liberia, Malawi,
Mauritania, Moldova, Nicaragua,
Oman, Paraguay, Senegal, Serbia,
Sierra Leone, Slovenia, Somalia,
Suriname, Tajikistan and Togo.
Those are Pointless answers.
Beautiful.
Very well done if you said any of
them.
APPLAUSE
Thank you very much. A lot, isn't
there? There is a lot. Yeah!
And we found one - brilliant.
So, at the end of our first round,
we have to say goodbye to one of our
pairs. Patrick and Junior, it's you.
Thank you. I'm so sorry, it's been
lovely having you here,
but just too brief! What happened?
Kashmir! Fair enough!
Patrick and Junior, everybody!
Thank you very much. Thank you.
Back to the remaining three pairs,
it's now time for Round Two.
Well done, everybody. Well done.
We made it through the Geography
round.
Here we are, Round Two. You'll
notice one of our couples has gone.
I'm sorry about that. Good luck,
best of luck to all three pairs.
Our category for Round Two
this evening is...
Can you all decide in your pairs,
who is going to go first and second?
And whoever's going first,
please, step up to the podium.
OK, and the question concerns...
Oh, my favourite kind of people.
On each board, we'll show you six
clues to people born in 1970
and their initials. Can you tell us
who they are, please?
We were both born in 1970, you and
I, so we can both play a sub-game
of are we more or less successful
then the people on this board?
LAUGHTER
I think we know the answer to that
even before we've started!
But people who are more or less
happy, as well. Oh, that's true.
..a different metric. A different
measure of success. Yeah.
Hopefully, the really successful
ones will be unhappy!
I hope so.
Yeah, thank you.
OK, so, we are looking
for the names of these people,
they were all born in 1970.
And we've got...
And here they are one more time.
There we are.
All of them born in 1970.
Which one do you want to go for,
Shazia?
The most obscure one. Good, yes!
LAUGHTER
Which one's that?
I know two, but they're
very popular.
The Streatham-born supermodel is
Naomi Campbell.
Naomi Campbell, says Shazia.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said Naomi Campbell.
Naomi Campbell is right.
And it goes down to 29!
APPLAUSE
It's good. Yes, very well played.
It's difficult to know if she's
been more successful than us.
She's been more successful in
modelling than us. Yeah...
And she's certainly looking better
for her age... She is! ..than us.
We will give her that! Yeah!
But is she happy?
Hard to tell... Oh... I think,
let's call that one a draw.
LAUGHTER
Now, Angela... I'm going to go for
the US singer-songwriter,
known for Mellow Gold
and Midnite Vultures
and that is Beck. Beck. How many of
our 100 people said Beck?
It's right! 29's the only score we
have so far.
And you pass it!
Down it goes to three!
Very well done indeed.
APPLAUSE
I mean, he is cooler than us,
that's for sure,
but he's cooler than pretty
much everyone! Yeah.
His real name is Beck, but B-E-K.
It was Bek Campbell
and then he changed it to Beck,
B-E-C-K Hansen...
..for whatever reason.
And neither of us have done that!
No, we've never done that.
Although, you're Alexander
and you call yourself Xander so you
and Beck have that in common.
I suppose... Pretty much...
And a lot of people call me Dick,
so we have that in common as well...
LAUGHTER
Thank you very much indeed.
Now, Jessie.
This board, by the way...
Mm-hm? ..all yours. Yep. Oh, right.
OK. I only know the obvious ones,
so I think... That's OK.
..so, I... I'm sorry... I'm really
sorry about the trophy thing again.
OK, so I'm going to go with
the English journalist
and film-maker known for
Weird Weekends series,
the genius Louis Theroux,
who I love.
OK, Louis Theroux, says Jessie.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said Louis Theroux.
It is right. 29's our high score,
three is our low.
And you're down to 16, very well
done indeed, Jessie.
You see?
Well played, Jessie. Yes,
Louis Theroux, and he's clearly
more successful than us because
Jessie loves him. You know?
I love you too! Oh, do you? Yes.
Oh, OK, then, that is another draw.
Nice! Shall we fill in the rest
of this board? Yes.
Definitely more successful than us,
the US actor. Matt Damon, yeah.
Yes, you've got to hand
that to him - 45.
We're more successful than the
Mayor of London, surely. Sadiq Khan.
He would've scored 36.
I know he's successful, but, you
know...? Yeah...
He had to work very, very hard.
Has he got a teatime quiz show?
I don't think so!
And the tennis player, do you
remember her? Oh, Gabriela...
Gabriela Sabatini.
Gabriela Sabatini would have scored
you seven points. OK, good.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
We are halfway through our round.
Let's have a quick look
at those scores.
Three, the best score so far,
very well done indeed, Angela.
You're looking great on that middle
podium, I must say! Very well done.
16's where we find Jessie and Ed.
29 is where we find Shazia and Dane.
So, yes, I mean,
not wildly ahead, Dane.
A nice, low score on the next board
could keep you in the game. Yeah.
We're going to come back down
the line now.
Will the second players please step
up to the podium?
OK, let's put six more people
born in 1970 up on the board,
and here they are. We've got...
Let me read those again.
There we go.
Ed?
Yeah, um...
I will go for the
Canadian journalist,
who I think is Naomi Klein.
Naomi Klein. Naomi Klein,
OK, here is your red line.
Can you get below that?
Let's find out with Naomi Klein.
Naomi Klein's right.
It has the feel of a good,
low-scoring answer,
and it is. Look at that.
Down it goes to one.
Very well done, Ed.
Takes your total up to 17.
APPLAUSE
Yeah, her debut book No Logo
was out in 2000.
She comes from a very
politically active family.
Her grandfather worked for Disney
and was sacked for
organising a labour union,
and she's only Canadian
because her family moved to Canada
to protest the Vietnam War.
There we go.
Rich, what are you going to go for?
25 or less is what you want.
I don't... I...
I guess I'll go with the top one,
English footballer.
Alan Shearer. Alan Shearer,
says Rich.
Here is your red line.
Can you get below that with
Alan Shearer? Let's find out.
48 takes your total up to 51.
APPLAUSE
He's been more successful than us.
But he's a sports person.
He is a sports person.
So they get their success early,
don't they? Yeah.
When he won the Premier League
with Blackburn,
they asked him, how did he
celebrate? And he said he celebrated
by creosoting a fence
with his father-in-law.
That's 1970... Could have used
a brush, but there we are.
LAUGHTER
Thank you. Dane. Yes.
You're on 29. If you score 21 or
less, you're into the head-to-head.
Oh, OK. Um...
Do you want to talk us through
the board for fun?
No, I'll mess it up.
LAUGHTER
So I'll go with my answer first,
and then we can have a conversation
around the other choices afterwards.
So we'll lock this in first
and see how it goes. OK.
So the US star who won the
Best Supporting Actress Oscar
for the 2011 film The Help,
I believe is Octavia Spencer.
Octavia Spencer.
Here is your red line.
Can you get below that red line with
Octavia Spencer? Let's find out.
It's right.
Yes! You've done it!
You've done it. Well done.
Seven for Octavia Spencer,
taking your total up to 36.
Very well done.
Yeah, also won a Bafta
and a Golden Globe
for that same performance,
Octavia Spencer.
Well played, Dane. Suriname
and Octavia Spencer. I know.
He's having a good show,
isn't he, Dane? He is. He is.
Now, we should make him go through
the rest of the board, though,
because he said he would.
I've got, um... The cricketer?
I know, um... I don't know
the cricketer, but I know...
Is it Simon Pegg, from...
Simon Pegg...
..Hot Fuzz? ..is the right answer.
That would have scored you...
..34.
And First Minister of Scotland?
Nicola Sturgeon. Nicola Sturgeon.
Yeah.
She would have scored you 37.
She is more successful than us.
She is in charge of a country.
I mean, to be fair.
And the cricketer,
do you know the cricketer?
Darren Gough. Darren Gough. Oh!
Would have scored 17.
So the best answer on that board,
Ed, is Naomi Klein.
Very well played. Very good indeed.
Thank you, Richard. We're
at the end of our second round.
I can't bear this. Rich and Angela,
you've been our low scorers.
You've been fantastic.
Thank you so much for playing.
It's been lovely having you here.
Rich and Angela!
APPLAUSE
But, for our two remaining pairs,
it's now time for the head-to-head.
Congratulations, Dane and Shazia,
Ed and Jessie,
you are now one step closer
to the final
and a chance to play
for our jackpot,
which currently stands at...
APPLAUSE
So here's the point
where we have to decide
who goes through to the final
and plays for that jackpot,
and we do it by making
you go head-to-head.
But you now play as a pair. You can
chat before you give your answers.
First pair to win two questions
will be playing for that jackpot.
It's going to be very close.
Yeah, these comedians,
comedians are always very clever.
Yeah, always.
Or, well, good at trivia.
Yes, that's...
That's the one, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I wouldn't trust any of you
to build a bridge, but... No.
We can build bridges that are
metaphorical. Oh, of course. Yeah.
OK, on that note,
let's play the head-to-head.
APPLAUSE
Here is your first question,
and it concerns...
Richard? Yeah, we're going to play
you clips now of five songs,
all of which share their names
with UK quiz and game shows,
but what are these songs called,
please?
OK, as Richard said, we're
going to hear these five clips.
Let's have a listen. Here is clip A.
# I know I won't be leaving here
# With you
INAUDIBLE
# I say, "Don't you know?"
# You say you don't know. #
Yeah. Yeah, took me a while.
Here's B.
# Time and time and time again
# I look to me, my only friend
# Time and time and time again
# Are you here for my pleasure? #
Here's C.
# Tell them all I know now
# Shout it from the rooftops
# Write it on the skyline
# All we had is gone now
# Tell them I was happy
# And my heart is broken
# All my scars are open. #
Here's D.
# A point is all that you can score
# Working for the black gas
# Cowboy number one
# A born-again poor man's son
# Poor man's son
# On the air America
# I modelled shirts by Van Heusen
# Working for the black gas. #
And here's E.
# How long till reason
makes us small again?
# And it feels just like
we just got started
# It's still you
# Taking me under
# We turn to be scared
# Then decide that we don't care
# Wear ourselves out
on the way down. #
Wow, there we are.
Yeah, five songs that share their
titles with quiz and game shows.
Some good songs.
Yeah, good songs, as well.
There we are. Dane and Shazia,
you are our golden couple,
so you get to go first.
We'll go with C,
and is it Impossible?
You're going to go for Impossible.
OK, C, Impossible.
Ed and Jessie, do you want to
talk us through the rest of them?
Um, yeah, we didn't know B or C.
So that's good.
LAUGHTER
A was Take Me Out.
D was...
We knew it, what was it again?
You knew it. You knew it.
It was Two Tribes, that's right.
Yeah. And then E...
We're going to go for E,
which is Sale Of The Century.
Sale Of The Century.
We've got Impossible
and we've got Sale Of The Century.
Dane and Shazia have
gone for Impossible for C.
Let's see how many of our 100
said Impossible.
Impossible is right.
And it goes down to 19, not bad.
APPLAUSE
Ed and Jessie, meanwhile, have
gone for Sale Of The Century.
Let's see how many of our 100 people
said that. Sale Of The Century.
Absolutely right.
It is Sale Of The Century, and...
That wins you the point!
There we are, very well done indeed.
Down to six!
APPLAUSE
Are you all right? I hit him!
I've got them... I'm so sorry!
Are you OK?
I've just been assaulted!
I just... She... Just one of your
teeth on the floor, there, Ed.
I'm so sorry! It's all right.
Are you all right? It's all right.
Blimey.
Well, listen, well done.
What better way to celebrate...?
LAUGHTER
I've never seen that game show.
Is that what they do?
LAUGHTER
Pretty much, yes. After one
question, Ed and Jessie...
I'm so sorry!
..you are up 1-0.
You see, it's fascinating, isn't it?
Cos Jessie seems so lovely
and yet she's...
Anyone in the industry will tell
you, she's very... She's vicious.
Yeah. Very, very... Very dangerous.
Very well done. Sale Of The Century
by Sleeper, of course.
Impossible by James Arthur,
the Rick Edwards game show.
Let's take a little listen
to the others.
# I know I won't be
leaving here... #
Take Me Out. Take Me Out.
Franz Ferdinand.
Paddy McGuinness show.
Now, B is another good answer.
Oasis? Shed Seven. Shed Seven.
One of the very rare...
Going For Gold.
..lovely appearance for Shed Seven.
Going For Gold by Shed Seven.
Would have scored you eight points.
And the last one, I said
I couldn't think of any quiz shows
that have the same name as songs,
and I...
It's Two Tribes, which I presented,
so that goes to show.
LAUGHTER
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
Anyway, Two Tribes was
the biggest scorer there
cos it was the best show, I think.
LAUGHTER
I'm sure that's how that works!
35, that would have scored.
Thank you very much indeed. OK, now,
here comes your second question.
Now, Dane and Shazia, you have to
win this one to stay in the game,
but Ed and Jessie get to answer it
first, so good luck.
Our second question is all about...
Richard? Yeah, going to show you
five pictures now of
female TV drama screenwriters. We'll
give you their initials as well.
But who are these people, please?
Thank you very much indeed.
Let's reveal our five female
TV drama screenwriters.
That's a lot of words!
There's a formula in there,
isn't there? EMC, yeah. Yeah.
OK, there we are.
Now, then, Ed and Jessie,
you get to go first.
JESSIE: That's Michaela Coel,
isn't it? Yeah, go for it.
We're going to go with E,
Michaela Coel.
Michaela Coel, say Ed and Jessie.
Michaela Coel, E.
Dane and Shazia, do you want to talk
us through the rest of that board?
SHAZIA: Phoebe Waller-Bridges is B,
Victoria Wood...
THEY CONFER
We'll go for Victoria Wood.
OK, you're going to say C,
Victoria Wood.
So we have Michaela Coel
and we have Victoria Wood.
Ed and Jessie went for
Michaela Coel for E.
Let's see how many of
our 100 people got that.
Michaela Coel is right.
It's a good score,
down that goes to two!
Very well done indeed,
Ed and Jessie.
APPLAUSE
Two for Michaela Coel.
Dane and Shazia, meanwhile, have
gone for Victoria Wood for C.
Let's see how many of our
100 people got Victoria Wood.
It's right.
Down to 57.
APPLAUSE
Which means, Ed and Jessie,
very well done indeed,
after only two questions, you're
straight through to the final.
Yeah, very well done.
Two lovely answers, as well.
Victoria Wood and Michaela Coel, two
geniuses from different generations.
A is...
Do you know A? She's Kay. I can't
remember what the M stands for.
Kay Mellor. Kay Mellor. Yeah.
Did Fat Friends,
all sorts of things. Yeah.
She would have scored nine points.
Phoebe Waller-Bridge...
..would have scored you 13.
Wow. And the best answer
on the board,
the co-creator of EastEnders,
Julia Smith. Oh.
And she's a pointless answer.
Very well done if you said that.
Thank you very much indeed.
So the pair leaving us at the
end of the head-to-head round,
I'm afraid, Dane and Shazia,
it's you.
You've been so brilliant
throughout the show, though.
Every round, low scorers.
It's been fun.
Thank you, it's been great.
And I want Ed's marriage to work.
LAUGHTER
Well, there's a couple of things
you could help me with on that,
actually!
LAUGHTER
Dane and Shazia,
please come and play again,
it's been lovely having you here.
Thank you so much. Dane and Shazia!
But, for Ed and Jessie, it's now
time for our Pointless final.
Congratulations, Ed and Jessie,
you have fought off
all the competition
and you have won our
coveted Pointless trophy.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
ED: Yes!
I'm just going to parade
that around at home
and then play hard to get
for the rest of the night!
LAUGHTER
You now have a chance to win our
Pointless jackpot
for your charities,
and at the end of today's show,
the jackpot is standing at...
APPLAUSE
Oh, well done. Well done, well done.
Jessie, what do you want to see
come up in this last round?
What's going to help you
win that jackpot?
Um... Probably celebrity-based
information.
Popular culture. Lovely.
There we go. OK, very nice. Ed?
Um, I'm, yeah, the same.
But, you know, a good name
an actor from a film,
or name a film an actor's been in.
Well, let's see what we've got.
Four things up here on the board,
let's hope one of these
things fits the bill.
What do we think?
Golf majors is right out.
No.
US Vice President... No.
Novelty hits or
The League Of Gentlemen,
what do you think?
Definitely novelty hits, please.
Novelty hits? Yes.
Righty ho. Novelty hits it is.
Novelty hits. OK, very best of luck.
Use your 60 seconds wisely here,
because I promise you'll be singing
something through in your head,
and you will be at home, as well.
And I apologise for the songs
I'm about to put in your head.
We are looking for any word
of five letters or more, please,
in the lyrics to Agadoo.
Any word of five letters or more
from the Spitting Image song
The Chicken Song.
Or any word of five letters or more
in the lyrics to Lily The Pink,
please.
So five letters or more in Agadoo,
The Chicken Song or Lily The Pink.
Very, very best of luck.
OK, now, as always,
you've got up to a minute
to come up with three answers.
All you need to win that jackpot
for your charities
is for just one of your answers
to be pointless.
Are you ready? Yes. No.
LAUGHTER
Are you ready now? Yes.
OK, good, OK. No!
Oh, right, OK. So, no,
it's important you're ready. OK.
Are you...? Yes, you are ready?
You're ready? Yes. Yes.
OK, let's put 60 seconds up
on the clock.
There they are.
Your time starts now.
The Chicken Song was the
one from Spitting Image,
and it was, you know... Yeah.
.."Hold a chicken in the air,
stick a deckchair up your nose,
"climb inside the dog
and behead an Eskimo." Mm-hm.
That's certainly... Yeah.
I don't understand this game.
LAUGHTER
We need to think of a word
that's five letters...
Behead and Eskimo would be
two that I would suggest.
What words do you know from Agadoo?
Just "Agadoo".
LAUGHTER
I don't know.
There's "grind coffee"...
I think this is on you, now.
I'm just going to be silent.
ED MUTTERS
I don't know any words
in any of these songs!
ED HUMS
# Climb inside a dog
and behead an Eskimo... #
I can't, I just...
I used to know the whole thing!
"Fly a jumbo jet,"
that was another one.
Um... I'm sorry. Let's go for jumbo,
behead and Eskimo.
Ten seconds left.
Yes, great. OK? Yes, all good.
Are we happy with those three words?
Absolutely. Yeah.
OK. Good choice.
We're... I think...
OK, look, well, there we are.
Your minute has now run out.
Let's have your three answers.
What are you going to go for?
Well, they're all for
The Chicken Song. OK.
And they are jumbo... Jumbo.
..behead... Behead.
..and Eskimo. And Eskimo.
Of those three, which is your
best shot at a pointless answer?
I think jumbo. I think
the reference to the jumbo jet...
I think jumbo, too.
Yeah, jumbo is good.
Let's see, which is your least
likely
to be pointless, do you think?
Eskimo, I think. Eskimo.
And behead goes in the middle.
OK, well, let's put those answers up
on the board in that order, then,
and here they are. We've got...
If one of these turns out
to be pointless
and wins that jackpot for you, which
charities are you playing for? Ed?
I am playing for the
Cairngorm Mountain Rescue.
Very nice indeed. Jessie?
I'm playing for
the Ovarian Cancer Action charity.
Excellent.
APPLAUSE
Two lovely charities,
three decent answers on the board.
Let's hope one of these answers wins
that jackpot for your charities.
Your first answer was Eskimo.
In all three cases, we're looking
for words of five letters or more
from The Chicken Song. You've
gone for Eskimo in the first case.
Let's see how many
of our 100 people said Eskimo.
For £2,750, could it be pointless?
It's right.
It just has to go all
the way down to zero,
and your charities will get £2,750.
Down we go through single figures,
still going down, still going down,
one! One! Oh!
Oh, my goodness!
APPLAUSE
Well, that's good. Yeah.
And you thought that was your least
likely to be pointless. Yeah.
I love, though, that Ed was keeping
his distance, just in case, there!
LAUGHTER
"Yay!"
Let's hope nobody said your next
answer, which was behead.
Again, words of five letters or more
from The Chicken Song.
Is it pointless, for £2,750, behead?
It's right. Eskimo was right,
took us all the way down to one.
Behead, could that score less
than one?
Let's find out.
Behead, still going down,
down we go through single figures.
Passing one, you've done it!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Fantastic, that's brilliant.
Well done, come here.
What about that?
Behead was a pointless answer,
which means you're taking home
our jackpot of £2,750
for your charities.
What about that, Richard?
Oh, what a great show, and a great
win, as well. Congratulations.
Well done, Jessie and Ed.
I'm going to take you through the
pointless answers
in the different categories now,
see if you've got any of those.
Jumbo, by the way, would
have scored you six, so...
Oh, really?
Yeah, it would have done.
Agadoo...
..shore, showed, teach and where.
They were the pointless
answers there.
Pineapple and shake
were the biggest scorers.
Now, Chicken Song.
Casserole, grating,
humming, salami...
..I'm sure I've eaten
that in a Hoxton restaurant.
LAUGHTER
Almost certain.
And lots of other pointless
answers there.
Disembowel, nauseating,
vibrating, Renault, discos.
All sorts of stuff going on there.
Now, Lily The Pink, finally.
Very well done if you said any of
those at home, congratulations.
And congratulations in the studio,
terrific show and a terrific finish.
Thank you very much indeed, Richard.
And thanks once again to
Ed and Jessie, our winning players,
who take away today's jackpot
of £2,750 for their charities.
Join us next time when we'll
be putting more obscure knowledge
to the test on
Pointless Celebrities.
Meanwhile, it's goodbye
from Richard... Goodbye.
And it's goodbye from me. Goodbye.
APPLAUSE