Play for Today (1970–1984): Season 8, Episode 7 - The Mayor's Charity - full transcript

(DRUM ROLL)

(CYMBAL CRASH)

(DISTANT BAGPIPES PLAY)

(BAGPIPE MUSIC CONTINUES)

(HE SIGHS)

(BELLS CHIME)

No Police Band, no official party.
Typical.

Ooh, I'm sweating cobs, I am.

Played them pipes right,
you wouldn't sweat.

You sound like a pregnant buffalo
this morning.

Madam nitter-natter.



They know they'll all be late on parade

so they marshal everybody early.

It's my misfortune to
be totally reliable.

I'd make their eyes water, I would.

You, Pig, are about as reliable
as a gold brick.

Don't call me "Pig" in public!

In fact, don't call me "Pig" at all.

PIPER:
Sorry, Pig.

This way, Pipe Major...

if you please.

He's gone to get the Queen's
Medal, I expect.

They want to break it to her private,
in case she has the vapours.

The lads consider it strong, sir

that the Police Band is once more
playing the hymn.



Oh, yeah?

It would have been a distinction
to the lads to play the hymn.

It's an unfortunate start.

Well, it's nothing to do with
me, Pipe Major.

I think the town clerk makes these decisions,
in consultation with the Mayor of course.

I've had him before this,
he'd better watch it.

You'll be the Mayoress I take it?

It being a widow lady
duly appointed Mayor.

- Uh, "Mayor's Companion".
- I'll tell you what it is, sir.

There's too much high-handedness
and not enough respect for service.

Now, I think I should warn
all you good people

and I hope I can call you all friends

whichever part of your faction
you belong to

I'm going to need you a lot.

Ha! And your wallets!

(THEY LAUGH)

If I do nothing else
in this year of office

I am going to make The Mayor's Charity
Appeal Fund the biggest and best yet.

ALL:
Hear, hear.

We've had some wonderful events
in the past

and I shan't drop any of those

because I believe in our traditions
most heartily.

But I shall be setting you a target
for the future

that'll make the next few
incumbents' hair curl

(CROWD LAUGHS)

In fact, you might find it difficult
to get yourself a mayor at all.

(THEY LAUGH)

They'll all be saying, "What? And try
and follow that Olive Major in office?"

"She could raffle a day's work
to a dole queue."

(THEY LAUGH AND APPLAUD)

- Where are we going?
- Mayor's parlour.

This isn't the Mayor's parlour.

You seemed to know your way about.

I do, sir,
when I know where it is I'm going.

I've been Pipe Major for 15
Mayor-uppings in 15 years

and in that time my communication

with the massed
nib-straighteners of this building

has been 15 Requisition forms...
22/A/904.

The Mayor's parlour
has been a closed door.

I thought you were
looking for the toilet.

I haven't found one myself yet.

HIGHAM: The Band of the Scots
Greys do it, the Black Watch.

RODERICK:
Mm?

Play the hymn.

We've got Amazing Grace off.

I didn't know she was on.
(HE CHUCKLES)

The hymn Amazing Grace.

Sorry.

It's rather a hectic day for us.

I think I can safely say we lend
distinction to any occasion.

We give thumping value
for our modest fee.

We'll be glad of any advice.

Oh, she'll want things to go
with proper dignity.

Olive's the political one in our family,
I'm fresh to all this.

Pipe Major!

I believe this is it.

Uh, a glass of sherry is offered.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Normally your Mayor's Attendant
and Macebearer would announce you

having preceded you to ensure that
final arrangements were correctly made.

Yes, you said so.

Well, I'm sure Mr Destry will make
a first rate job of it.

I had hoped you'd be wearing
your tricorne and those breeches.

They wouldn't fit.
I mean, that's not his office.

No. That'll be for your Mayor's
Attendant and Macebearer

when we've appointed one.

The Head of Labour and Admin has
a shortlist for the job.

What is his office then?

My assistant, Assistant Town Clerk

just been appointed
from the Solicitor's Office.

We have high hopes of Mr Destry.

Who has?

Uh, I have, I suppose

but we're all interested in advancing
young and vigorous talent.

Well, I'm very glad to hear it.

He's got a warm and friendly face.

Now, if Mr Brabazon bullies me,
you're to stop him.

I'll have a look at that shortlist
during luncheon, after the parade.

The Labour and Admin
will be locked on a Sunday, I'm afraid.

Don't they trust you with a key?

I'm afraid I can't offer the authentic
stentorian tones

but I've studied the phraseology.

I don't doubt it for one moment.

Good morning, Pipe Major.

Just like to express my appreciation
of the sherry, ma'am.

A kind thought.

Warmest felicitations on your elevation.

Your consideration has earned you
my loyalty, which does not waver.

Well, I didn't like to think
of you out there in the cold...

- with your kilt on.
- (THEY CHUCKLE)

Who were you talking to just?

I had some conversation with Mr Major
traversing the corridors.

But no, I mean just now.

I was fascinated,
I don't know quite why.

Ah, that is my technique for dealing
with ceremonials

where I have no particular function.

Is it?

I call it my "spare part drill"

in order not to be burdened
and weighed down

with the mind-destroying small chat
of pinheads and numbskulls

I invent an interlocutor

with whom I am partaking
in intelligent conversation

and the pinheads and
numbskulls pass me by.

My word, that's clever.

Also I station myself on the route
of waitresses

particularly those engaged
in the transport of free liquor.

Whiskey is a favourite...

sherry accepted.

You're very bluff, Pipe Major.

Thank you, ma'am.

"Ma'am", he says.

What's your name?

Higham.

H, you've got your H.
I, you've got your H-I.

G-H, you've got your "High",
A-M, you've got your "am"

You've got your "Higham".

In the RAF they used to call me
"The Great High Ham"...

(RODERICK CHUCKLES)

...but "Ex-Warrant Officer Higham" is
my correct nomer and entitlement.

Or "Mister", which I also accept.

Wonderful!

Warrant Officer Higham,
you're a wonderful man.

Thank you, ma'am.

I'm trust on better acquaintance
I should reciprocate.

Your achievements are already well-known
and respected.

To myself, I appear a simple man

but I make efforts to keep my nose clean
and deal straight.

Mr Brabazon, I want you to put
Warrant Officer Higham's name

on that shortlist.

Uh, certainly,
I'll make a note for Monday.

It may be a little late,
the post has been advertised.

It's never too late to do a good deed.

I'm thinking of the
Head of "I" and Admin.

Oh, you men! You do like to
huddle together, don't you?

You know, if a woman was to cling on
to another for support

you'd say that she wasn't able
to make a decision for herself.

Some of my best friends are women.

(RODERICK CHUCKLES)

No, it occurs to me that the Pipe Major
may not feel that such a post

would suit his dignity, that's all.

Macebearer and Mayor's Attendant?

Yes.

I should consider it an honour

the terms being acceptable.

Oh, good.

I'll ask the Head of "I" and Admin
to enter your name.

There's never sparks without heat
or friction, Mr Destry.

Oh, do call me Raymond, everybody does.

Oh, alright.

I'm sure we're going to be friends.

Mr Higham...

you're a listener-in
to private conversations.

Yes.

A man like you, with a career
to make in local administration

must have a hard time jockeying

the varied elected representatives
he has to deal with.

Sorry?

I mean, your job could be problematical

even lacking in security

if councillors and such
start wagging the dog, as you might say.

I think I take your point

though I am not enamoured
of the way you express it...

You have to get in sharp and early whilst
they're still wet behind the ears.

We had young officers similar.

...nor the point itself,
now I come to think of it.

- What about the point?
- I say I am not enamoured of it.

Ah.

One young flight lieutenant says
to one of my drivers

"Have you cleaned the plugs on that
vehicle?" I nodded to the man to say yes.

He must have thought I'd lost
my marbles, it being a diesel.

Kept the Flight Lieutenant happy though,
didn't it?

That Head of "I" and Admin,
I've come across such.

You get any bad messages,
have a word with me.

I'm not quite sure
where we've reached by now

except that I do not like it, Mr Higham.

I mean, he could be easily giving you
a hard time

if you go over his head
with this Macebearer effort.

I think I've had enough
of this conversation, Mr Higham.

If you don't do it, young Mr Destry will
have it to do in your place.

What will Mr Destry have to do?

Assert his self, exercise his office.

He has the sweet taste of youth
in his mouth and no mortgage.

Watch him, Mr Brabazon.

- (PIPER PLAYS)
- (OTHER PIPERS CHEER)

(PIPERS STOP PLAYING)

(DISTANT BAND APPROACHES)

Pipes up!

Pipes and drums...

by the right

quick...

march!

(DRUMMER BEGINS)

(PIPES BEGIN)

Be up-standing!

The full meeting of the Borough Council
is now in session.

Bloody hell,
are we to have this every time?

Before I call this meeting to order

I have a matter I would like to raise
with you all.

Sorry, Mr Mayor.
Is this Council business?

I prefer "Madam Mayor".

"Mr Mayor" is correct.

Madam Mayor is preferable.

As you wish, Madam Mayor.

Is that it? May we proceed?

I have a matter I wish
to raise with you all.

What's going on?

Ladies and gentlemen, fellow councillors
and officers

I wish to draw the
attention of everyone here

to a memorandum that I've had
handed to me by Mr Brabazon

from the Head of Labour
and Administration.

BRABAZON:
Mr... Madam Mayor

this is both discourteous
and out of order.

The Mayor's Attendant should withdraw

the memorandum is both private
and confidential.

It seems it's not so private and confidential
that you didn't have a read of it.

Mr Higham, would you be kind enough
to withdraw?

Scrum half should withdraw, immediately
he's put the ball in the scrum.

Pardon?

I'd like you to remain,
Warrant Officer Higham.

Now, you can all have a listen to this

and then you'll know
what I have to put up with.

And this is within a few days
of my taking office, mark.

(SHE CLEARS HER THROAT)

"The Department wishes to express
the strongest protest"

"at the personal intervention
of the Mayor"

"in the appointment
of Attendant and Macebearer"

"in contravention of Appendix II
page 61 of Standing Orders."

"The Mayor should know
that Heads of Departments control"

"these departments under the direction
of the council"

"not individual councillors."

"There is no point in officers
advertising vacancies"

"preparing shortlists,
if elected representatives then give"

"applicants a personal note
that they are to have the job."

"Can we please, in future, have
the usual confidence and courtesy"

"of Councillors respecting
the functions of officers?"

COUNCILLOR: It's not a thing
you want to overreact to, Olive.

Look, where the dignity of my office
is concerned

I will react like a tiger, Gerald.

A tiger!

I have sat on this council
for the last 12 years now

and the loyalty of St Mary's East has
sustained me and urged me on.

When the dusty nonsense and toe-aching
boredom of committee work

council debate and public duty
might have persuaded me

to shut up and get back
to toasting crumpets.

They love me, does St Mary's East

and many's the time
I've had to protect them

against the harsh and silly application
of local government rulings.

The compulsory purchase of the
Eagle's Nest! (SHE CHUCKLES)

A typical piece of heartless planning!

The rescheduling of the 403

to run at three minutes to the hour,
if you remember.

Not to mention the Chief Fire Officer's
crude persecution

of the Proscenium Players

over the candles for Salome.

(SHE CHUCKLES)

My ward vote for me
election after election

because I insist on the
application of human solution

not the official one.

If the elected representatives
can't override Council Officers

and employees when necessary

what is the point of a soliciting vote

at all?
(SHE BANGS HER HAND FOR EMPHASIS)

(COUNCILLORS CHEER)

But I'd like to make it clear and public

that until I get a full apology
from the town clerk

I will have no dealings with him
whatsoever

either public, social or administrative.

He can send his assistant, Mr Destry.

COUNCILLOR:
Mr Brabazon, what's he done?

He knows what he's done.

COUNCILLOR:
Do you, RB?

I hope my silence becomes me
better than protest.

OLIVE:
It'll serve you better, that's for sure.

That memo, wasn't it
from Head of Labour and Administration?

It wasn't from your office, was it?

When the dummy talks,
look at the ventriloquist's face.

Not if you want any
entertainment, Olive.

It's U.D.I.
in Medburgh, who'd a thought?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

BRABAZON: The instant we
spot Monsieur Maripot's party

I shall ask you to inform Mr Major.

HIGHAM:
As you say, Mr Brabazon.

He's not the fainting sort, is he?

I think he's quite looking forward
to it, he's partial to ceremonials.

He's a curious colour.

Excitement, perhaps.

It's the first time Mrs Major's left him
on his own to anything ceremonial.

I think we can depend on him
to hold his corner.

He doesn't have so much to do, if he
can't manage any French, it'll be me.

I'll be of what assistance I can, sir.

Thank you, Higham. Thank you for that.

And uh, incidentally, um...

don't think I shall forget
your good offices with Mrs Major

it could have been acutely difficult.

It was a genuine misunderstanding, sir,
which she readily understood.

I think you'll find her more considerate
of your problems

and position in the future, sir...

if you give her time.

I mustn't be too hasty, tread warily.

Ladies are as eggs in the delicacy
of their feelings, sir.

I hope I'm not insensitive.

I put it to her you could hardly have refused
to be the bearer of the offending memorandum.

Quite.

They make a messenger boy of you
and what thanks do you get?

In a certain sense,
this delay is beneficial.

Mrs Major waiting down there
at the Royal Exchange Banqueting Rooms

instead of standing out here
in the draft with us.

Mr Destry is attending to her.

Yes.

I was meaning too great an intimacy
on a public occasion

could be too soon just now, being...

tense already.

Really?
She seemed alright.

I thought she was alright.

She wasn't cross, was she?

Another woman might have blamed me
for headwinds over the Channel.

I should say she was more like soothed
and impressed

by your calm, quiet suggestions

in reorganising the civic welcome
to suit the hitch.

- (CROWD CHEERS)
- BRABAZON: They're here.

Quick, uh, no, no, uh...

Inform the Mayor's Companion would you,
if you please?

Votre honneur le Maire,
Madamela Mairesse de Vieux Merindol.

(CROWD CHEERS)

CHILDREN SING:
♪ Frère Jacques ♪

- ♪ Frère Jacques ♪
- (CHUCKLING) Merci! Bonjour!

- ♪Dormez-vous? ♪
- Soyez bienvenus

- ♪ Dormez-vous? ♪
- Ah!

- ♪ Sonnez les matines ♪
- (INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)

Oh, merci.

- ♪ Sonnez les matines ♪
- (HE MUTTERS IMPATIENTLY)

- ♪ Ding, dang, dong ♪
- (BRABAZON BLUSTERS)

♪ Ding, dang, dong ♪

- Ce n'est pas ma faute, uh!
- Uh, uh, Monsieur!

CHILDREN CONTINUE SINGING:
♪ Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques ♪

- MARIPOT: Par ici? Ah oui, bien.
- ♪Dormez-vous?

♪ Dormez-vous? ♪

♪ Sonnez les matines ♪

♪ Sonnez les... ♪

BRABAZON: Votre honneur le Maire,
Madamela Mairesse, de Vieux Merindol

soyez les bienvenus.

We're not supposed to be here.

But Olive didn't want to disappoint
the Brownies, you see?

We seem to have lost Madame Maripot,
there should be two of them.

Qu'est-ce que se passe?

Où est Madame Maripot, s'il vous plaît?

My sister-in-law takes it on herself
and then she's not here.

She's there.

We're here...

- Votre honneur le Maire de Vieux Merindol...
- We're not supposed to be here.

Tell him we're not supposed to be here.

You're not letting me finish, Mr Major.

Worried about you holding his arm,
I don't think you should.

Don't think he likes it.

He keeps rushing off.
Is she in the car?

- Who?
- Madame Maripot.

Tell him we're supposed to be
at the banquet by now.

Mrs Major'll be waiting.

She'll have her bad smile on.

I know the one you mean.

HE STUTTERS:
Votre honneur...

Nous ne devons pas être ici...

On nous attend
au banquet d'accueil official.

Dites-lui qu'il me lâche.

I don't think he understands me.

Tell him we're supposed to join him
in the car, Mr Brabazon

and then proceed to
the official banquet.

Tell him about the delay
and the disruption in the timetable.

He knows about the delay,
he's the one that was delayed.

Well, tell him.

Lâche-moi, espèce de cacou, hein!

He wants you to let go his arm.

Oh...

I do beg your pardon!

Milles pardons, votre honneur.

Uh, votre honneur...

Um... Il y a eu un petit contretemps.

Voulez-vous nous accompagner-nous au...

IN ENGLISH WITH BAD ACCENT:
Royal Exchange Banqueting Rooms

Chambres?

Qu'est-ce qu'il bafouille celui-là?

C'est vous le Maire?

J'attendais une femme.

(HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

What's he saying, Mr Brabazon?

He's talking to me, in't he?

Did you tell him about the
Royal Exchange Banqueting Rooms?

BRABAZON:
Yes, I did.

Didn't sound like the Royal Exchange
Banqueting Rooms to me.

Quelqu'un va me présenter, ou pas?

He's talking to me again, in't he?

Tell him to stop it or let me know
what it is he's saying.

He talks funny.

Of course he talks funny,
that's French.

Drôle d'acceuil, hein?

Musher le Mare, je suiss, uh,
Warrant Officer Higham

attandente a la Mare
de syss villy, uh, bonjour.

Enchanté.

Anshanty similar.

Voisee Musher Roderick Major

bo-frairy dee Madam Major
qui ettees le Mare de settee villy.

Enchanté.

Ha, ha, ha!Ça s'explique quoi.

You say "anshanty" back,
that means you're enchanted.

Anshanty.

Enchanté.

(BRABAZON CLEARS HIS THROAT)

Susst est Musher Brabazon
boorocrat, a votry servicey.

- Enchanté.
- Enchanté

He doesn't seem to want to kiss us.
I thought he'd be wanting to kiss us.

Comment?

Monsieur Majeurse demand
si vous aller nous baiser.

Par icee meshure silver plate,
avoiturer touty suity.

The word "baisay" is not recommended
if you wish to say "kiss".

It suggests a more intimate encounter.

Oh, my God!

"Ambrassay" is more usual.

(CHILDREN CONTINUE SINGING
"FRÈRE JACQUES")

MARIPOT:
Voilà, c'est ma femme, hein?

Ma femme.

(HE SHOUTS)

- Uh, Majeur...
- Roderick.

- Roderick Majeur.
- Lovely to make your acquaintance.

(THEY CHATTER INDISTINCTLY)

- Merci.
- Merci.

CHILDREN SING:
♪ Frère Jacques ♪

♪ Frère Jacques ♪

♪ Dormez-vous? ♪

♪ Dormez-vous... ♪

(ENGINE STARTS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Yes, of course.

This is the wine we have brought
from our country for you.

Your customs officers are very fierce
at the airport.

You'd think they did it specially,
wouldn't you?

You say?

Men, they'll do anything to look manly.

I mean, look at 'em,
giving themselves thrombs

in a hotel jam-packed with porters.

Are there no porters, Mr Brabazon?

We, uh... didn't have any small change.

Oh, I've got some change.

Thank you, Mr Destry.

Oh, Madame Maripot,
this is our Town Clerk

would you believe?

He usually wears
overalls for heavy work.

Where's all this
pigging plonk come from?

Greffier.

Pardon?

Town Clerk.

Enchanté, Madame Maripot.

Enchanté.

Look, there's no need
to go rabbiting on.

Madame Maripot speaks excellent English.

He's a comic, don't you think?

You are very kind on my poor English.

Not at all, it's excellent.

It sounds peculiar to us
because we were born here

but I daresay that's our fault
as much as anyone's.

Olive, are you responsible for this lot?

Look, excuse me, Charlie,
but you can see I'm busy.

Well, who ordered it?

You don't think our manager makes his money
out of just hiring this hall, do you?

Now, look, Charlie,
you know what's going on.

Now, hush up will you?

(SHE CHUCKLES POLITELY)

I shall be speaking to
your mother this week.

You can't put a naffing sherry glass
down for that lot.

Of course, you see, I'm too kind,
that's my trouble.

- (DESTRY CLEARS HIS THROAT)
- I'm soft.

You see, it's a man's world

and you've got to play it
their way or go under.

Oh, yes, now then, this is my
brother-in-law, Roderick Major.

He's my Mayor's Companion.

The idea is
that he assists me in public duties

and I'm still waiting.

Shake hands, Roderick.

Who is it?

Oh, Madame Maripot.

Oh, for heaven's sake,
who else in the whole world?

- Anshanty.
- Enchanté

Oh, we've got another one.

"Anshanty" he says.

- We're not on the Costa Brava now you know.
- Costa Brava, ha-ha.

- (THEY CHUCKLE)
- Costa Brava.

I don't know how we put up with them.

(THEY CHUCKLE)

MADAME MARIPOT:
This is Monsieur Destry, yeah?

He has been most gentleman.

Oh, he has. He has.

Now, did you hear that, Raymond?

Didn't she put it lovely?

It's easy to be a gentleman
in the company of ladies.

(SHE CHUCKLES)

I call him Raymond, by request.

We're very democratic.

I'll give you something for that spot,
remind me.

(CROWD APPLAUDS)

(HE CLEARS HIS THROAT)

Madame Major, ça me donne infiniment
de plaisir de vous connaître.

HIGHAM: I told the Head
Porter you'd see him right.

BRABAZON:
Thank you, Mr Higham.

There's no need to start muttering.

He has infinite pleasure,
I can tell what he says.

We...

We, of Vieux Merindol

would be deeply honoured

if you would accept this small gift

of our wine of 1956.

- Oh!
- (THEY APPLAUD)

Thank you very much, Mr Maripot.

De rien.

It's uh, nothing.

Did you speak?

Monsieur Maripot said
"de rien", "it's nothing".

Yeah, well, I've no doubt he did.

Monsieur and Madame Maripot.

We hope you won't despise
our little town history...

written locally
and also printed and engraved here.

Oh! Dites-donc, ma belle...

C'est formidable!

Dites-lui qu'elle est magnifique

et que nous sommes boulversés.

My husband says he is overturned.

Overwhelmed, perhaps?

Wonderful thing, education.

(THEY CHUCKLE)

En plus, l'essentiel, le grand
tire-bouchon de Vieux Merindol.

Monsieur Brabazon, voudriez-vous
nous faire l'honneur?

He's giving me a corkscrew.

"Tire-bouchon"is "corkscrew".

He suggests you open one or two.

J'ouvre des bouteilles.

What was that?

- He opens bottles.
- I just wondered.

Uh, Mr Higham turns out
to have some French

if I should be busy elsewhere.

Uh, just what I've
picked up here and there.

And I have a little, um...

Voici le tablier de Jeannot.

MADAM MARIPOT:
Où ça?

- Here is Jeanie's pinafore.
- (THEY LAUGH)

- Bougre de con!
- Hercule!

Simplement, je me demande
qu'est-ce qui se passe.

Perhaps I can give you a lift, sir?

Councillor Maripot and Mrs Maripot

you are very welcome to this town.

Uh, j'ouvre des bouteilles.

Votre honneurs sont les benvenuse
dans cetty vily ici.

Bon, merci.

OLIVE:
The cultural ties

- between us and our friends...
- A glass of wine, sir?

There is some sherry.

OLIVE: ...in the new atmosphere
of Europe that our industrial...

Carlos, our manager, is not going to be
a happy man you know.

They're pittling on his corkage here.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Il y a des fortys attashmongs
coolturellys entry noose

and noose esperongs fortifieay
des attashmongs indoostriellys.

D'accord. Bravo!

- Bravo!
- (THEY CHUCKLE)

Now then, raise your glasses, everyone

and let us drink to
international friendship

and the lovely and ancient town
of Vieux Merindol.

ALL:
Vieux Merindol!

(SOFT SIGH)

Ah!

Madame, le Maire.

Monsieur Majeur...

Messieurs-Dames.

Je me sens comme chez moi ici.

J'éspère bien

que vous, autres citoyens de Medbourgh

allez comme nous de Vieux Merindol

vous donner le plaisir hygenique

d'avaler chaque jour
un bon verre de vin de Vieux Merindol.

Comme ça, nous sommes tous
des citoyens de la même ville.

(ONLY BRABAZON CLAPS)

What did he say, Mr Higham?

Some argle-bargle concerning
how he's at home here

and sincerely hopes we'll swallow
his fearsome plonk regular.

He says it's hygienic.

I'd say he's got a field or two.

Yeah, well, be careful what you say.

I was particularly speaking dog-rough so as
to avoid international misunderstanding.

Oh, brilliant, that.

My husband prepares his most
simple address most carefully.

Quite brilliant.

Madame le Maire a dit
que tu parles brillamment.

Cela va sans dire.

Messieurs-Dames, vos verres!

Certainement.

- (STRING QUARTET PLAYS)
- Monsieur.

Quite bacchanalian really, ma'am.

Yes, well it seems to have survived
Mr Brabazon's organisational powers

thanks to you.

I took the opportunity of informing him

he was on a narrow plank
with your good opinion

but that he was at least on it.

You'll get no further bother with him.

Yes.

Excuse me, ma'am.
Mr Destry needs my assistance.

He looks poorly to me.

I rather suspect the wine is giving him
a hard time.

Well, the innocence of youth, bless him.

No head for it.

No, well there's nothing clever
in being able to throw down alcohol.

Exactly my sentiments, ma'am.

What's this, Mr Higham?

Whiskey, sir.

Sherry has run out.

The wine didn't seem
quite to your palate.

(HE WINCES)

It's whiskey?

Yes.

My notion was it would
take away the taste.

Oh, I... I don't mind.

Oh, it's your duty after all.

First taste, I had the impression
of carbide, you know?

I don't feel at all well.

You are sloshing it down a bit, sir.

Just a sip is adequate for the toasts.

Keep a full glass in your hand
of what you can tolerate

then nobody comes topping it up
with that metal polish gargle.

Mr Higham...

I shall remember your kindness.

My father was a kind man

very fond of his allotment.

- Ah!
- (MARIPOL CHUCKLES)

Merci bien, Monsieur Mari...

Monsieur Mari...

♪ Allons enfants de la patrie ♪

♪ Le jour de gloire est arrivé ♪

♪ Allons enfants de la patrie ♪

♪ Le jour de gloire est arrivé ♪

Votre honneur le Maire!

Madame Maripot, your worship,
Mr Major, distinguished guests

luncheon is served.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

I got him a book,
he's had it a fortnight.

♪ Allons enfants de la patrie ♪

♪ Le jour de gloire est arrivé ♪

Il a bien bu ce gars là.

Monsieur Maripot is amused
by our little Gallicurchi.

Gallicurchi, oui, oui,
c'est ça exactement.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, crikey, Moses!

Look, I'm afraid you'll
have to call again

because I'm just about to go out
to a function.

Who is it?

Ex-Warrant Officer Higham, ma'am.

Oh, crikey, Moses!

Well, you'll just have to wait a moment.

Oh, you men!

You think you're so superior.

You'd have something to say if I turned
up with a scrubbed face and greasy hair

and that's all you ever do

besides put on the same old suit.

And I expect you've got a wife who
creases your trousers for you and all.

(SHE COUGHS)
Have you?

Have I what?

Well, I've been wondering about you.

A wife! Have you got one?

- I have not had that honour and privilege.
- Evening, Olive.

And I'll thank you not to call me Olive.

No matter where we are.

You're familiar.

I always call her Olive.

She's my sister-in-law.

Oh.

Have you such a thing
as a drop of cooking oil?

Roderick...

If I'm late because of your wittering,
it'll be your fault.

Sloping around at all hours
and it's never convenient.

Is this the Mayor's charity concert?

- Are you late?
- No, sir.

Oh. Don't see why I couldn't go as well.

I'd have quite liked it.

I did mention it, at your suggestion,
in your capacity as Mayor's Companion.

It may have slipped her mind.

She said it was a charity do.

I'd have to buy a ticket
like everybody else.

I could have gone
ex-officio, couldn't I?

It's the Vera Cruz Wild West Club
doing the door.

They do a lot for charity.

Ben Tomkinson's a member.
He'd let me in.

I was thinking I'd like to see
the adventure film tonight anyway.

They look rough, but some of them are
quite respectable. Shopkeepers and such.

If it's such a rush to her I don't see
why she doesn't she let me do it?

I just came round for some cooking oil.

You said you mentioned it?

Yes, sir.

It seems Mr Destry, to whom she
turns for advice in these matters

indicated that there is after all
a Deputy Mayor for such emergencies.

They go round and round in circles,
everybody gives it a push.

OLIVE:
I can hear you talking down there!

Is it alright if I get some cooking oil?

I've a good mind to talk
to Mr Brabazon about Mr Destry.

He's altogether out of his sphere.

Absolutely none of his business
what functions I attend or don't attend.

I understand Mr Brabazon has
his little worries.

I'm not surprised he has.
He has my full sympathy.

The entire civic
organisation's crumbling

except your side of course,
you seem to be able to manage.

I build with very small bricks, Mr Major,
and hope that the building will stand.

- Ah-ha...
- Evening, Roderick.

I see you're still here under my feet...

and you know I'm going out.

Power's turned her head.

What was that?

I came to borrow some cooking oil.

That wasn't what it sounded like to me.

And all those chips
will make you poorly.

Now then, Warrant Officer Higham

I don't want to be late
for my first charity function.

I see you've got your suit on, Roderick.

Going out, are we?

I have allowed 20 minutes for the
journey to the Civic Hall, ma'am

which takes eight minutes.
We have a moment.

- One slight matter.
- What slight matter?

A matter of the collection money, ma'am.

Well, Mr Destry informs me

that it's made available to the Mayor's
Attendant at 4pm on the day of the function.

That was my information also.

Yeah, well come on then.
Have you got it or haven't you?

Your Worship, I'm reluctant
to advance surmise in place of fact.

Roderick, go get your cooking oil
if that's what you're here for.

Go on.

It's the top shelf of the kitchenette.

Right hand side.

Go on, Warrant Officer.

I duly present myself
at the Town Clerk's office

to apply for the aforementioned
five pounds as instructed.

- And?
- Mr Destry's secretary's words were

"The safe is locked. Mr Destry's
gone home and he'll be back Monday".

Men! That's absolutely typical!

So, I've to find five pounds
of my own money for my own charity?

Oh, wonderful.

Roderick,
you'll have to lend me five pounds.

What?

I'll give it you back tomorrow,
it's for the collection tonight.

Have you got it on you?

No, I haven't.

Well, just go and get it if you please.

One of these days, Olive,
you'll drive me too far.

I came here, Mr Higham will bear
witness, with the idea I might share

some of your burdens of office.

Yes.

Have you got your oil?

- Yeah.
- Well you can let me have it back tomorrow.

Go on.

I don't want to be too late,
it looks bad.

Now then, come on, let's have this out.

The safe was locked.

Who locked it?

I expect that would be
whoever had the key.

Look, don't you play the monkey with me.

I want to know who was responsible.

When men get themselves into bother
through their own doing

it burns upon their minds

and they look around for somebody
whose fault it was.

Mr Brabazon and Mr Destry had
some, uh...

embarrassing moments
over the twin town visit.

It's my surmise that Mr Brabazon
was harsh with Mr Destry

for his exhibition of singing and uh...

such.

And such?

Being sick into the flower bowl.

Tst...

Go on.

On the other hand...

Mr Destry will be aware that...

Mr Brabazon is not quite the linguist
he had first suggested.

Yes.

Yes, I see.

So the next time either of them
has to deal with me

each says, "Sod it!"

"He thinks he's so clever,
I'll leave it to him."

Something of that order.

It's just my guess.

It's more than a guess.
It's a certainty.

Could of course have
slipped their minds.

And I did think that Destry had
some go to him.

Oh, that's it with young men.

What's what with young men?

They're not masters of themselves.
Their blood rises.

It's only natural.

Now what have you come again
for, Roderick?

Uh... oh.

Thank you very much, Roderick.

Go on.

You'll see him tonight
with his little friend.

Blonde the last time I looked.

That's where his mind is...

lower down than
what it will be later on.

C'mon with you.
I want none of your dirty talk.

You can save that for your men friends.

And you're gonna have me late
with your yatter-yatter.

And as for young Raymond...

you'd better look after him a bit.

(DOOR SQUEAKS)

Mrs Major's here?

Just checking
that the committee is assembled.

She's on her way.

All but one for a quorum.

I shall inform her.

You look after her dignity, eh?

I regard it as a sacred trust, sir.

Bravo.

She seemed in good form at the concert.

A success I think.

I liked the excerpts
from Daphnis and Chloe.

One word which may be of use
and advantage to you, sir.

Yes?

Your little friend?

Glenis?

It would be a mark of respect

to introduce her to her Worship
on some suitable occasion.

Of course, of course, I...

I didn't like to bother her.
Thought it might have been obtrusive.

You could be right.

On the other hand

she is a very warm and human person.

Oh, I think so.

Thank you, Mr Higham.

- Evening, Mr Higham.
- Evening, sir.

Uh...

Look, that um...

Charlie Harris of yours is rampaging
all over the building

with his dustmen's problems.

It occurs to me that he may try
and nail Mrs Major on her way in

and we shall all be left
twiddling our thumbs in here

while he tells the whole dismal tale
to her again.

Could you ease him
out for all our sakes?

I believe he is a friend of yours?

He's my colleague under me
in the Pipe Band.

When I have any time off at all.

We don't want any more hassles, eh?

We've had enough of those
for one term of office.

Her Worship is very pleased at the smooth
precision of civic events as now constituted.

Well, let's not spoil it, eh?

Destry.

Mr Graham.

Ah, Mr Hoggett.

Oh, hello. It's slack-arsed Ada,
come to put in an appearance, is it?

You can smell bother
through brick walls, you can.

Now what're you doing here, Bomber?

It's not by soddin' choice,
I can tell you.

It's that Head of Labour and
Administration you've got yourselves here.

Next time I shift his bin,
it'll be like a used envelope.

Look, have I a choice
of whether I'm told or not?

His ears'll be singing any road,
not that it'll do any good for anyone.

Oh, well, if I'm not to be told.

You know the productivity bonus
we had on the bins last year?

You'd have heard of that.

It'd be one of your blinding committees,
I'll warrant.

- Yes, Bomber.
- Now shut up and listen.

Charlie's talking.

We put up with your work-study
and your clipboards

and your forms, and your naffin' nosey
parkers on our backs every minute.

We agreed to a trial run
of the scheme.

Reducing every team by one

and carrying out
the extra runs on the new estates

and we got it down to a four day week.

We did, not anybody bloody else.

- Yes, Bomber.
- Are you listening?

I should have introduced Glenis.

Eh?

At the charity concert.

I should have introduced Glenis
to Mrs Major.

It was an error of tact not to.

Oh, pooh, man, your youth is your
excuse. You can soon mend that.

My youth?

Whichever you like.

Good heavens, she's not a
hydra-headed monster, you know?

Glenis?

Destry, you're distracted.

Go home and rest up.
Squeeze your spots.

Do something creative and
absorbing, uh...

Marquetry.

I'm uneasy about the twin-town visit.

Mm?

The French visit.

I don't know what happened.

Have you tried cod-liver oil tablets?

I think I was sick.

Were you?

It all seemed quite jolly to me,
all that singing

quite endearing in a junior.

Broke the ice.

I wasn't aware there was any ice.

And forgive me, it did make you appear
slightly less the Lancelot

a role that hardly suits you, old man.

Oh.

Everyone has a role

and the buffoon's is not to be despised.

I think I'll cut my throat tonight.

In the medieval sense
of amusing the great

kings could relax
in the company of their buffoon

and the buffoon had
license to say things

which in another mouth
could cause heads to roll.

I'll collect my things from the office.

Now he's got it into his head

that we should come
in on a Friday on ordinary time!

Well, I've trolled in here
to tell him he can stuff it.

Right up!

Come Thursday, we've finished our jobs,
we have, as per agreement.

I've got men of 50 running.

Have you seen?

We've to run to make
that pissin' scheme work.

Ah, Mr Higham.

I think we could do with
Mr Brabazon here on this.

Uh, would you ask him, has he a moment?

Brabazon is just on his way, ma'am.

There's no use in bothering your head
informing Flossie neither.

He knows,
and he's had his bellyful of me.

You'll all have me up to the
collar studs before I'm finished.

You'll gag on my troubles
like bacon fat on a string.

OLIVE:
Oh, good evening, Mr Brabazon.

What do you know about this?

Some trouble, Mr, uh, Madame Mayor?

I had hoped to avoid it
by the good offices of Mr Higham.

Look, what d'you know about not paying

waste disposal personnel
overtime on Fridays?

Uh, well, it was passed
by the Establishment Sub-Committee.

Where do you find fellas like
him, Olive?

Is there a lot of 'em
or do you have a choice?

I do ask you to bear in mind
that we are talking about employees

of the borough and that machinery
exists for the adjustment of disputes

and that unless we use that machinery,
we shall almost inevitably have

these unseemly kerfuffles
in Town Hall corridors.

You will if you cross
me, you mincing faggot!

- He's got a point there, Bomber.
- He has not got a point. Bloody!

If there's an employer round here,
it's bloody me!

I'm not one of your forelock-tugging
council house tenants

grateful for a lick of paint
or a pane of naffin' glass!

You won't catch me crawling round here
for improvement grants and mortgages

and then selling the premises
at a fancy profit

when I've screwed the
government's money.

I pay my way, I do!

I pay the rates on my house
out of the wages what I earn

and it's a good smart sum

which is where your Spanish holidays
come from, Flossie, so shut it!

When I'm washing the dog shit off my arm
down the depot

I think to myself, "Well, this town's
a bit cleaner for my efforts today".

What d'you think, Flossie?

Hello, Pig, are we still talking or not?

That's quite enough, Mr Harris,
quite enough.

I think you've exceeded
even your special license to abuse!

He thinks I'm calling him a pig, pig.
I wouldn't insult a noble animal.

Now then Bomber,
you were giving it out a bit

just be silent if you
can contain yourself.

Ma'am, I think I shall not be required
earlier than 9:30.

OLIVE:
Oh, well, about then'll be fine.

Mr Harris and I can retire
to some hostelry convenient.

No doubt the matter of bin men's
overtime can be the subject

of official discussion
at a proper level.

Yes, alright.

As long as it's not the ex-servicemen's.

Rockerick's bad enough
without having somebody to talk to.

Bomber, leave us chat, you and I.

I'll be grateful if you can keep it
as invigorating

as the last few minutes or so

but swearing and shouting
is not permitted in the Wine Lodge.

I never sworn in my pissin' life.
I promised my mother.

Um, it's a matter for the relevant
Head of Department of course, overtime.

It's erm, not even an official dispute,
you know.

I think we'll be as well discussing it
at a proper level.

- Uh, it's not on the agenda.
- No.

Goodnight, Raymond.

Oh, yes. Goodnight, Mr Mayor.

Nice-looking girl.

- Sorry?
- Your little friend.

I saw her last night.

- What's her name?
- Um, Glenis.

She was sitting on your right.

- I think so.
- (SHE CHUCKLES)

He thinks so!

- She was blonde.
- Ah, that'll be the one.

Well, before you let your mind fly
entirely to thoughts of Glenis

do you think you could arrange
to pass your office?

And reimburse Mr Major
with the five pounds

he had to lend me on Friday night
for the collection?

He's waiting there.

Oh, my God!

Mm.

I understood
that Mr Destry had dealt with it.

HE STUTTERS:
I must have walked past him,

D'you think there could be
something wrong with my eyes?

Do attend to it, Mr Destry,
as soon as possible.

How could I not notice him?

Do stop babbling, old man,
Mr Major will be getting impatient.

Just when I thought we had
a sensible working relationship.

Yes, it's a pity really.

I shall hardly know who to rely on.

There's always Mr Higham.

She says she has no authority.

Hello, Roderick, flower,
you look sparkling.

I had to find the collection
money for Olive, Friday night.

She brought me along here to get it.

Warrant Officer Higham,
you were witness to it, remember?

Certainly.

Mr Destry walked right past me.

Why should he do that?

Olive has a Committee Meeting,
she said Brabazon would be there

she'd mention it to him.

I thought they'd told Mr Destry about
it, he'd gone to get the money, but...

(HE SIGHS)

Walked right past me.

I felt awful.

Surely one of them could attend to it?

They'll give you nothing, this lot,
I promise you.

They wouldn't give you crabs
if they had handfuls.

Yes, I will.

Will what?

Will get it.

You know best.

It'll have slipped their mind.

Me and Bomber were going to partake at
the Wine Lodge, do you fancy a vessel?

I'd rather go in the Ex-service Club
where nobody'll try and cheer me up.

I want to nourish my resentment.

Uh, they treat you like snot.

You know, I had one who would not
wrap up her kitchen refuse and such.

Her naffin' bin smelt worse
than the whole row put together.

So one day there was a whole
rabbit's guts in there.

I drawing-pinned it up under the eaves
of the lean-to.

She was weeks finding it.

I don't think I'll
have a drink after all.

I think I'll go straight home.
There's an adventure film.

I don't know what you
see in this place, Pig.

It's macabre.

I like the quiet.

No jukebox.

You can hear the thud of drunken skulls
on the pavement outside.

Also it's possible to sit
where there's no one behind you.

It's a good thing you dragged me out
of that shed

before I gave someone
a piece of my mind.

As it happens, you'll have no cause
to bother further.

I'll be the judge of
whether I bother or not.

Are you willing to listen
and not talk, Charlie?

I'll bother them sodpots
right into the soddin' ground, I will.

Three words?
Three seconds of your time?

Alright then, Pig.

Don't call me "Pig".

Is that it?

That's the three words?

That's four.

Olive is primed.

Olive Major?

Say.

Isn't that the order?

I'm only having the one,
then I'm going home for an early night.

- There's a film.
- CHARLIE: Roderick, shut your cakehole!

You're causin' a draft.

What was that you just said, Pig?

I'll say no more.

So and so's primed.

- "So and so", who's "so and so"?
- Look, I've bloody told you once, I think.

They've treated me with contumely,
I'm not taking it

from you as well, Charlie.
I'm really not.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Now effin' belt up!

Pig.

Do you know something that I don't?

She's been waiting her chance
for a vote of censure on the admin.

Ooh...

How about that now.

You are the chance awaited.

The emergency resolution is drafted
and ready in her handbag

with a gap for the expected occasion.

- Is this Olive we're talking about?
- CHARLIE: Look, Roderick.

Good resolution, is it? Uh...

Heavy?

Resigning job?

What resolution?

Who mentioned resolutions?

Oh, come on, Pig.

The vote of censure on those two
faltering twits over the road!

Do you mind, Charlie?

CHARLIE:
I'll tell you what it is, Roderick.

If we had bin-shifting as part of your
Town Clerk's sustifficates Examinations

there'd be more respect for the trade.

Roderick, darling.

What is it?

Have I said something?

You'll get us all throwed out.

Whatever is it, Roderick, love?

Tell Charlie!

She won't give me a ticket.

- Eh?
- Not one ticket for a charity do, ever.

The Fancy Dress Gala Ball.
I'm supposed to find ten pounds, I am.

- For a mayoral do!
- I'm going to that.

It's just another occasion
I'm to be left out of.

Ooh, Norah.

Just put your badge on,
who's going to stop you in this town?

It would be an unpardonable breach
of etiquette

to stand in the way
of the Mayor's Companion

at the Mayor's Charity function.

The Daimler draws up to Olive's,
Pig opens the door.

She gets in, you get in. Who in
heaven's name's going to stop you?

She'll hutch up so there's no room
on the seat.

Well, her bum's not that big is it?

Am I to have some fun at last?

CHARLIE:
Cinderella shall go to the ball.

(ORGAN PLAYS)

Ladies and gentlemen!

Please be up-standing to welcome
the mayoral party.

(CROWD APPLAUDS)

Mr Higham, I'd rather you consulted me
a little on matters of protocol.

This is, after all,
Mrs Major's own charity event, you see.

I never doubted it, sir.

It seems not to have occurred to you
that it's out of place

to welcome the Mayor to
her own Charity Ball.

I mean, she's giving it, old man.

She's the hostess.

We must all look out for our own
jobs, sir, as best we can.

And now, Madam Mayor, Mr Major,
distinguished guests...

take your partners, please,
for an old fashioned waltz.

(ORGAN PLAYS "TULIPS FROM AMSTERDAM"
BY NEUMANN, BADER, ARNIE AND MARTYN)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Warrant Officer Higham reveals
talent after talent.

He'll have made my year for me.

He has animal dignity.

WOMAN:
Oh, how kind. Yes, I'd love to.

Mrs Major, may I have
the pleasure of this dance?

Um, a dance...

Well, you seem quite
contented with Glenis.

- DESTRY: Well, I am.
- Well, what's this then?

You suddenly get the ambition
to gallivant with an older woman?

(HE WINCES)

I was only asking for a dance.

You feel it's your duty, do you?

Oh, dear.

Actually, I thought it might give me
the opportunity to introduce Glenis

and also as much as anything I...

I have this envelope to deliver to
Mr Major. The five pounds, you know.

Being tactful and diplomatic, Mr Destry

is not tiptoeing round a person as
though she was a bomb liable to go off.

That money is going
to be returned by post

with a full apology and explanation.

Oh, dear.

So this is Glenis, is it?

Yes, uh, how do you do, Mrs Major?

Now, you see how we women are?

Not like you men,
who go all round the houses.

- GLENIS: Yes.
- (THEY CHUCKLE)

Thought it would be a little
feather, did he?

Sorry.

Your young man's just asked me to dance.

Oh, I said I was flushed, so he said,
alright, he'd abandon me

and come over and give himself
a thrill with Councillor Mrs Major.

How nice.

I'd have been quite glad, Olive.

- That's what you said!
- (THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH): I know.

I only meant it as a joke.

You'd think you could rely on somebody.

At least he didn't forget.

(HE SNEEZES)

That Brabazon's got
something to answer for.

I got a vote of censure
on the bin men's issue, did I tell you?

I don't think so.

You mean what Bomber Harris was
raving on about?

Well, the committee was satisfied
that the information given to them

by the Town Clerk and the Head
of Labour and Administration

re: the matter of Friday overtime
in the Cleansing Department

was unsound.

Unsound!

Hello, Bomber, we were
just talking about you.

They all do, my love.
I'm the belle of the ball.

Come on, flower,
you're having this dance with me.

Oh, beggar it, I will!

Come on Roderick, now's your chance
to get a widder.

That bugger Brabazon got his
comeuppance, did you hear?

I gave it him.

Did you?

Who's a clever girl?

Mind you, you'd have been up
to your arse in overflowing bins

if it'd gone the other
way, you can tell 'em.

I quite like this ensemble, don't you?

That suit?

- The bloody band, you common mare!
- (SHE CHUCKLES)

Mr Major, I caught you.

Look, uh, this five pounds.

Uh, please accept it with our apologies.

Mr Destry was to have
given it to you sooner

but he seems a little incoherent.

I do hope he's not going
to get into habits.

I have been treated
like a dishrag, Mr Brabazon.

Yes, well,
I have apologised for the mix-up.

Not in my hearing.

I apologise.

Do you think that mends it?

There's a mysterious hand against me.

I don't ask a lot...

but I get dishrag.

When I think of that happy morning
of the Mayor-upping...

the sense of future duties
fulfilled with dignity

and compassion...

What did I do?

I get that feeling.

- What feeling?
- Everybody's against me

but I put it down to
occupational paranoia.

Local government officers tread
constantly around pitfalls

but then I think,
there's the security knowing

where you are and will be.

Sometimes I think like that when...

when things get a little gloomy.

I suppose even you
could get the heave-ho.

I don't think so.

If you'd just take this
envelope, Mr Major?

You can shove your envelope.

Am I to be tipped like a waiter
after you've trodden all over me?

What's this badge for, eh?

Every time I show my head, you've found
the Deputy Mayor again, you have.

I was expecting a little honour.

Is that so much to ask?

I've been a dishrag, that's all.

Have you seen my
brother-in-law, Mr Higham?

Went towards the exit door, ma'am when
you and Mr Harris started your dancing.

The moment me back's turned!

Has he gone in that
ex-serviceman's club?

If he has, Mr Brabazon will be with him.

Brabazon?

No doubt, some small municipal matter.

You're like a spider sitting
on its nest, aren't you?

Your scratchy claws
on all the little shining threads.

Watch it, Bomber.

What do you fancy?

Scotch.

Put it behind the drape.

Mr Major, this is very silly.

I absolutely insist.

Get off me, you jack-in-office.

Just leave me alone, this is ridiculous.

I quite agree, so please take it.

Look.

I can do without your fiver
and I can certainly do without

Olive round my neck for taking it.

Look, I don't think
you quite understand...

Once the office has paid out money
it's almost impossible to pay it back.

The computer sulks.

My month of office has been
a month of misery so far.

I shan't be overwhelmed with grief
when it's over, I can assure you.

- Please, Mr Major.
- Look!

I don't want to have
to offer you violence!

Act like schoolboys,
and you'll be treated like schoolboys.

HIGHAM:
And now, for your entertainment.

Madam Mayor, Mr Major,
distinguished guests

Jourdemayne Griffiths, who brings
you songs form Bonnie Scotland.

(APPLAUSE)

(MUSIC: "A SCOTTISH SOLDIER"
BY ANDY M. STEWART)

♪ There was a soldier,
a Scottish soldier ♪

♪ Who wandered far away
And soldiered far away ♪

♪ There was none bolder,
With big broad shoulder ♪

♪ He'd fought in many a fray
And fought and won ♪

♪ He'd seen the glory,
He'd told the story ♪

♪ Of battles glorious
And deeds victorious ♪

♪ But now he's sighing,
His heart is crying ♪

♪ To leave those green hills of Tyrol ♪

♪ Because those green hills
Are not highland hills ♪

♪ Or the island hills ♪

♪ They're not my land's hills ♪

♪ And fair as those... ♪

Where's Roderick?

Did he escape,
or did the Germans find the tunnel?

Uh, I think I'm alright.

Though there may be delayed shock.

Mine was instant.

- (DISTANT APPLAUSE)
- My shock.

It was instant.

Funny how you lose sight of the reason.

The cause of things.

I thought the wall had fallen in.

I don't think I can work like
this, Mr Major.

I may have to resign.

It's only for a year.

Even the days are too long.

The Head of Labour and Admin
was in tears this morning.

We were censured by the Establishment
Sub-Committee, you know.

He still gets a bit of the shakes
when mention is made

of the Macebearer
and Mayor's Attendant appointment.

It's been downhill for him too.

Tarmacadam Higham.

I suppose he's permanent.

That was the start of it,
come to think of it.

Was it?

Good heavens.

♪ I love a lassie,
a bonnie, bonnie lassie ♪

♪ She's as sweet
as the heather in the dell ♪

- ♪ Oh, she's as sweet as the heather ♪
- (CHARLIE LAUGHS HEARTILY)

♪ The bonnie, bonnie heather ♪

♪ Mary, my Scots bluebell ♪

Och, aye, noo!

♪ I love a lassie,
a bonnie, bonnie lassie ♪

♪ She's as pure
as the lily in the dell ♪

♪ She's as sweet as the heather ♪

♪ The bonnie, bonnie heather ♪

- ♪ Mary, my Scots bluebell ♪
- Robin, Mr Higham said

a curious thing in the Wine Lodge.

Did he, Roderick?

What did he say?

Both our names begin with "R",
have you noticed? And "O".

- Did he?
- No.

No, he said, uh...

"Olive's primed".

Nothing else?

This was Ex-Warrant Officer Higham?

It all got a bit muddled after that.

He definitely said, "Olive's primed"

and I'm fairly sure it was to do
with the council meeting she was off to.

You had some bother
at that particular meeting, I believe.

Uh, yes.

He's always been very helpful in
his manner towards me from the start

but I don't end up a
lot better off somehow.

Olive says I've to come
and look after you.

She already has done.

She says you're not to sulk
and go off the pair of you.

I dare say, you know what she means.

Well, are you coming back in again?

You should vada the homi that's singing
if only to tell your grandchildren.

The artiste?

Mm.

Mario McLanza...

about as Scotch as my bagpipes,
and they come from Camden Town.

(RODERICK SCOFFS)

Have... have you got 'em here?

Eh?

Your bagpipes?

Well, yes, they're in the car.

They're locked up.

It's the breeding season, why?

Could you give us a tune if we asked?

Oh, Pig's the one for that.

- Yes?
- Mr Higham, is he?

Pibrochs, laments, reels, jigs.

He went specially to Scotland.

It's just that nowadays he likes
queening it out in front of the band.

Get 'em, Mr Harris, will you?

What, now?

I could enjoy the sight

of Jourdemayne Griffiths
with oeuf sur le visage.

He sang, "I belong to Glasgow"
at the ex-servicemen's once.

They were for sacking
the Entertainments Secretary.

Make Olive's Charity Ball
one to remember?

Yes.

You promise you'll go back in again?

Yes.

Well, mind you do

or you'll have me to answer to,
never mind Olive.

It's funny how an 'eadache can clear
just like that.

Let's go and sit
where we can see Olive's face.

They'll think it's turning out time
at the cat's home, won't they, Robin?

You see, Roderick...

anarchy and chaos are much the same
as order and authority.

They're a condition of the mind.

Oh, I believe you.

I was for smashing a glass
at the Wine Lodge, you know.

Nearly.

It wasn't French he was
speaking, you know

he was making it up.

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT)

...so let's all go now
with the Hokey-Cokey Conga...

You're looking very
pleased with yourself.

Have you been in that
ex-serviceman's club?

...from the Press Department.
has very kindly offered to lead us off

and I just know you're
all gonna follow on

otherwise we're gonna look very silly.

Alright, here we go then.
Big hand for Mr Horrocks.

Come on, Mr Horrocks, on your feet now.
Come on lad.

Alright then, d'ye wanna
have a go at it now?

Right, we'll have a little rehearsal,
shall we?

OK, after three.

Three!

♪ You put your left foot in ♪

♪ And your left foot out... ♪

Mr Higham, I'll leave it to you to bring
back some sort of dignity to this occasion.

He's a disgrace to that tartan.

In fact, his tartan is a disgrace
to the tartan.

Well, shut him up
as soon as you're reasonably able.

I would have done sooner, ma'am

but I didn't want to give people
the impression

they were not enjoying themselves.

Well, of course not.

But nobody's paid less than ten pounds
to get in this room tonight.

I've got a feeling that any minute now
the Mayor is gonna be called on

to be a good sport.

Point taken, ma'am.

Excuse me, ma'am.

GRIFFITHS:♪ You do the hokey-cokey
And you turn around ♪

♪ And that's what it's all about ♪

♪ You put your left leg in
And your left leg out ♪

Your left... alright everybody.
OK, that's enough.

Here we go, folks.

Here it is now.

The Hokey-Cokey-Conga,
"Road to the Isles"

Take it away maestro!

(MUSIC: "ROAD TO THE ISLES")

♪ It's a far croonin' ♪

♪ That's takin' me awa... ♪

♪ As step I wi' my cromach ♪

♪ To the Isles ♪

♪ Put your left foot in ♪

♪ And your left foot out ♪

♪ And you do the hokey-cokey
and you turn about ♪

♪ Sure by Tummel and Loch Rannoch ♪

♪ And Lochaber I will go ♪

Come on, ma'am, let's see you now.

(BAGPIPES PLAY)

I just love that pissin' noise!

(THEY CLAP IN TIME)

RODERICK:
The singer's not pleased.

(CROWD CHEERS)

It's not working.

Everybody's impressed.

Knocked out.

I thought we'd have a laugh.

- You'll see.
- Nobody's laughing.

- (MAN CHEERS)
- They look quite serious.

In the flower of triumph
lie the seeds of disaster.

(PIPE TUNE CONTINUES)

(MUSIC: "JEALOUSY")

HE SINGS OVER THE PIPE MELODY:
♪ Twas all over my jealousy ♪

(GUESTS LAUGH)

(INDISTINCT SINGING)

Oh, I think they want to go walkies!

(GUESTS LAUGH)

Heavens to Betsy!

You're an angel on wheels
when you're playing that instrument.

♪ Never thought that your love's true ♪

Oh, come on, Pig!

What's a little peck between friends?

Now then, Bomber,
don't get above yourself. That's all!

Show some dignity!

Oh, Madam!

Hoity-toity are we?

You don't want to fall out
with your friends, Pig

you might find out you
haven't got so many.

GRIFFITHS SINGS:
♪ No wonder I lost you ♪

♪ Twas all over my jealousy ♪

Let go, Bomber, that'll do!

♪ All over my jealousy ♪

Hello, Olive, angel.

You want to get some of this,
he's a lovely mover.

Excuse me, sir, do you mind?

Now then, Bomber, let go if you please!

I don't want to have to lose my temper!

You want to be a bit more
permissive, Pig more pliant.

Can you feel how strong I am?

It's the bins.

Let go!

♪ I never thought that
our love was true ♪

There! That's for you
and your pissin' dignity!

I hope by now you two gentlemen
have finished.

There's clubs for that sort of thing.

You won't be in such a hurry to
slight me in public again, will you?

- Excuse me, sir, I rather...
- Get out of the way!

- (CHARLIE GRUNTS)
- MANAGER: Prevent him!

♪ All the heartache I cost you ♪

♪ No wonder I lost you ♪

Leave him to me. I'll sort him out!

I'm sorry, gentlemen,
I'm going to have to get the police.

Night, Olive!

It's all a misunderstanding,
this, you know.

I'm gettin' puffed with the four of you!

GRIFFITHS:
♪ Oh, my crime, my crime ♪

- ♪ Was my blind jealousy ♪
- Ooh Norah!

Look what you've done to your jacket.

Never mind.

They'll have a needle
and thread at reception, I expect.

Bomber, I shall be making a full report
of this incident to the Band Committee!

Ooh! I should like to have a read
of that report.

(CHARLIE LAUGHS HEARTILY)

I don't think anybody saw
too much, Mr Brabazon.

Was there much to see?

I didn't really notice.

(DOORS CLATTER)

(CHARLIE LAUGHS HEARTILY)

You alright, Pig?

Safe home!

(HE LAUGHS)

HE SHOUTS:
Where's your respect for service?

(MUSIC: "SEPTEMBER SONG"
BY WALTER HUSTON)