Phoenix Nights (2001–2002): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript
- Come on. Keep together.
- (♪ Trammps: Disco Inferno)
We're getting warmer.
Did anyone see the film Backdraft?
I worked on that.
Showing De Niro the ropes.
Lovely bloke, Bobby.
That completes your tour.
I've been your tour guide, Kenny Senior.
Hope you've enjoyed...
Hope you've enjoyed the tour today.
Hope you've enjoyed...
Thank you, Kenny Senior.
This way, ladies and gentlemen.
This is where you buy
your charred souvenir remains.
- ♪ Burn, baby, burn...♪
- There you go.
Potter wants more ashtrays.
Hold up. Bit of chair, there.
- Right.
- Be careful with that.
£2, your charred glasses, there,
as, er, left on the fire.
All this is charred remains, love.
- (Woman) You're just cashing in.
- Oh, no, we're not cashing in, love.
No, you think that,
but getting rid of this is therapeutic.
It's part of the healing process.
Some of us still suffer flashbacks.
It's our Vietnam, this.
Scars are mental as well as physical.
- How much are your ashtrays?
- Four quid.
- Go on, I'll have two.
- Jerry, two ashtrays, please.
Yah, you bastard! Shit! Shit!
Some of us are still suffering, love.
(PA) 'The Queen celebrated
her silver jubilee.
'The Yorkshire Ripper was still at large
'and David Soul got to number one.
'What was the year?
'It's The Golden Years
on Chorley FM.
'Coming in your ears.'
(♪ David Soul: Silver Lady)
♪ ..searching, shifting
♪ From town to town... ♪
Yeah, yeah. What is it?
(Speaks Japanese)
- She what?
- Kamikaze.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I see, I see, I see.
Not a bad drop, is it?
Ha, h...hey.
I was saying to the wife - not a bad drop.
New, premier Japanese rager.
Kamikaze.
Could have done with this
when they built your railways. Not bad.
And what's all this about?
Win a year's free supply?
Win a year suppry. Dozo.
- (Man) Big promotion.
- Yeah?
For big, UK launch.
Let the British people know.
Oh, right. Let the British people know.
If you wanna let them know, my son,
you've gotta get out.
Wasting your time in here.
You've gotta get into the pubs,
get into the heart of clubland.
- (PA) 'Sonya to non-food.'
- Pubs, club?
Clubland. Brian Potter.
I run the Phoenix club, world famous.
As seen on TV. You might recognise me.
Eh?
No? I'm a bit of...
bit of a celebrity round here.
Yeah, yeah. This, this big...
this big UK launch,
have you thought about
where you might be having it?
- What do you think, Joyce?
- I'm not raving, Mary.
(Mary) No.
(Low coughing)
Well, what do you think?
- It's got a bit of a kick.
- Like a Japanese mule, Leslie.
- What do you think, Jerry?
- I can't drink on my tablets.
- More t...? What are these for?
- Remember, you burnt me hand?
I didn't burn your hand.
You burnt your own bloody hand.
Christ. Look at all these.
Druggie, druggie, druggie.
You'll be in the toilets next,
snorting Cecil.
- You mean Charlie?
- What?
- Charlie.
- I don't know who he is. Never met him.
Can you get mules in Japan?
I can.
- (Brian) Beautiful, isn't it?
- What are you gonna do, sell it?
More than that. we're gonna launch it.
Had a chat at the cash-and-carry
with the top bollocks.
Couldn't speak English
but he was fluent in the language of...
business, that's the main thing.
The upshot being,
he wants to have his grand launch here.
- Here, why?
- Cos we're the Phoenix Club,
as seen on TV, we're world famous.
Once he knew that,
he jumped at the chance.
D'you have to eat that muck in here?
It stinks!
Aw, Brian, it's beautiful.
Come on. Come on, try a bit. Go on.
Get bent.
I've got heartburn just smelling it.
So this grand launch,
what does he want? Big cabaret?
- Dancers? Bingo? Raffle?
- No, no, no. He wants...
A quiz. A pub quiz.
- A pub quiz?
- (Brian) Yeah.
A big quiz with a big prize. Read that.
"Win a year's supply of Kamikaze lager."
- Yeah. And we're gonna win it.
- How?
- We're gonna cheat.
- You can't cheat.
We can. Why can't we?
Someone's gotta win. Why can't it be us?
I wish you'd have discussed it with me.
I'm the licensee.
What's there to discuss?
We're losing a fighting battle.
That there, that's the answer
to our prayers, my son.
- A year's supply of free beer for sod-all.
- When does he want this quiz?
- Wednesday.
- Wednesday?
- Yeah.
- Not this Wednesday.
That's my night. Free And Easy night.
Well, if it's that free and easy, shift it.
No, I won't. I've built up a following.
Well, tell them they can both
come to the quiz.
Very funny. Thursday's quiz night,
always has been.
Wednesday, Free And Easy night.
You can't rearrange days.
I can do what we like, it's your club.
Well, look. If I'm in charge, I say no.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Adolf.
Just roll back.
Eh? There's a democracy.
We'll bloody vote.
Right, fine. We'll have a vote on it, then.
- Yeah.
- Right. All those in favour
of not having a quiz night
on Wednesday, say "aye".
Aye.
I'm sorry,
I don't understand the question.
You don't, do you?
Why don't you put your hand down?
Thanks, everybody.
Thanks for your support.
- Have your bloody precious quiz.
- We will.
But if you think I'm cancelling Free and
Easy, you've got another think coming.
Good. We'll have our quiz in here.
- Good.
- Yeah.
- Fine.
- OK.
Let me know if you want those mules.
(Jerry, over mic)
..two, one, two. Testing, one, two.
Three, two, one. One, two.
Two. One, two. One, two.
Oh, God. Eh? Frig me. Eh?
No wonder you wanted
your Free And Easy night.
"Jerry St Clair"? "Young At Heart"?
Did somebody say something then?
D'you hear anything?
"Sexbomb. She Bangs, She Bangs."
Oh, all the hits, eh?
Ho, ho, they're all on here.
Can you tell him you look with
your eyes, not with your hands?
He says, you look with your eyes,
not with your hands.
I heard what he said, Leslie, all right?
"The Drugs Don't Work."
They should. You've taken enough.
What are them? What do they do?
Stop you being an arsehole?
- It's you that's the arsehole.
- Ha-ha! You spoke to me.
Hey, he spoke to me. Time out, I win.
- The winner. Game over.
- They're for stress, all right?
Stress? What do you know about stress?
You wanna try walking a mile
in my shoes, boy.
- Yeah, so do you.
- Oh, that were below the belt.
Well, you wouldn't have felt it then,
would you?
Eh? Well, one... Two-nil.
Why don't you go for the hat trick?
Go on, slash me tyres
while I'm here, go on.
Look, for Christ's sake,
will you two just pack it in?
You're like a couple of bloody kids.
He started it. 20 years, 20 years.
I've known you,
Jerry Dignan, all that time,
and this person,
this past week, I don't know.
Who are you? I don't know you.
You know why?
I've realised what you are, at last.
You're a manipulator,
a schemer, that's what you are.
You've got your precious quiz
but you've got to cheat to win.
(Brian and Jerry)
I'm doing it for the club.
I've heard it before, Brian. What will they
do when they find out you've cheated?
It's not my problem.
Like you say, you're the licensee.
Innit? Noodles, them.
Who's made it?
Lads in t'back.
(♪ Singing in Chinese)
- Answer sheet?
- Yes, please.
- Thank you.
- Thanks very much. Thank you.
- Here's the Phoenix team.
- All right?
I thought there were three of you.
Where's Shere Khan?
(Kenny) Getting food.
(Brian) Look at this.
- It's a quiz, not a carvery.
- There you go.
- All right, Young Kenny.
- Nice one, Ken.
Christ, what colour's your face today?
- It's false tan, look.
- False tan?
If you're using my sarolium for frig-all,
it'll be more than your face that's tanned.
Smashing, this.
It just winked at me.
Listen, do you know what you're doing?
(Whispers) Don't worry.
We got it all sorted. Go on.
- What are those?
- (Whispers) Answers.
Do you know the questions?
No, but you never know, do you?
Jesus wept.
(Ray on mic) The Phoenix club,
in association with Kamikaze,
presents the biggest quiz in clubland!
Please give it up for the one and only,
the Mental Oriental, Mr Ray Von. Chaww!
♪ ..turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
♪ I really think so
♪ Turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
- ♪ I really think so ♪
- (Cheering)
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for that warm welcome.
It was lovely. It really did
bring a tear to my Jap's eye.
(♪ Kung fu style theme)
- (♪ Chinese cymbal)
- Ah-so.
Fill in your answers
on the sheet provided.
(♪ Brimful Of Asha on organ)
♪ They're dancing
♪ Behind movie scenes,
behind those movie scenes
♪ Sadi Rani
♪ She's the one
who keeps the dream alive
♪ In the morning, past the evening
♪ Till the end of the light
♪ A-brimful of Asha on the 45
♪ I said a brimful of Asha on the 45
♪ A brimful of Asha on the 45
♪ Brimful of Asha on the 45 ♪
Have you seen it out there? Have you?
Dead. Dead. I told him it'd be like this.
Where's Dot and Moira, eh?
Cliff and Tony?
Wednesday night.
Free And Easy night, eh?
- Half-empty.
- (♪ Man singing in club)
Mm?
- (Ray) Let's win that lager.
- (♪ Kung fu style theme)
Your first question.
I suffer from pyrophobia.
So what am I afraid of?
- Pirates.
- Go on.
- (Ray) I suffer from...
- Straightaway. Poom.
- (Ray) What am I afraid of?
- I'm off for a drink.
- Fancy a drink?
- I-I need a slash.
Hello, Mam. It's Kenny.
Kenny, your son.
I know, I'm sorry it's been a long time.
Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry I missed the funeral.
Oh... Don't cry.
Listen, what's pyrophobia a fear of?
(Loud farting)
(Man) I'll name that tune in one. (Laughs)
Thanks for coming to Free And
Easy night, not bothering with the quiz.
We've got a great night for you.
Go wild and crazy, give
a lovely welcome to Two's Company!
(♪ We Are Family)
Put the eyes back in, Granddad.
- I'm Candy Floss.
- And I'm Barbara Q.
♪ We are family
♪ I got my stepsister with me... ♪
- Have you got any water chestnuts?
- Yeah, it's good gear, this.
♪ Get up everybody and sing... ♪
Mm! Urgh!
- What's that?
- It's sake.
- God's sake, don't drink that.
- Me mouth's on fire.
I'm not surprised.
You'll strip paint with that stuff.
(Gasping)
(Ray) Sport.
- My balls are black and blue.
- (♪ Kung fu style theme)
I've just hit them with a mallet.
What game am I playing?
He's hit his balls with a mallet?
S'what he said.
(Ray) My balls are black and blue.
- I've just hit them with a...
- Oh, shit. They've all smudged.
- What the f...? State of this.
- (Mary) All right, love.
- (Mary attempts Japanese)
- (Ray) Your next question.
(Ray) was that a mobile phone
we just heard go off?
You'll have to turn that off.
Can't have any mobile phones...
(Perry) Evening, Potter.
(Ray) ..enemy of the quiz.
What do you want, Perry?
You're barred. Shouldn't be in here.
Now, now. Not a very warm welcome.
You're still attracting
the up-market clientele.
Christ. Don't know what smells worse,
them or the food.
- What do you want, Perry?
- Me year's supply of lager.
Ah, well. You're too late,
aren't you, dickhead?
Because the quiz has started.
Ha-ha-ha.
I know. I've come to see
how my team's getting on.
There they are.
The Banana Grove's finest.
Top of the quiz league,
three years running.
Right little Bamber Gascoignes, they are.
All right, lads?
Ringers? You can't do that,
Perry, that's cheating.
Well, you tell it to the judge, Ironside.
(Ray) The quiz ninja's word is final.
One and eight, 18.
Eight and three, 83.
(Panting) Five and...
Five and nine. Nine. Fif-nine. 59!
- Got one. This is on its own.
- Something's not right.
(Ray) Who was I and why did I kill?
Hey, Den Perry's got a team in.
- Where?
- Over there.
They're the league champions.
- It's all right.
- (Ray) The next question
- is worth seven points.
- (Crowd) Ooh!
I want you to name...
The Magnificent Seven.
OK, now you're talking. Here we go.
Coburn.
- Yul Brynner.
- McQueen.
McQueen. Bronson.
Sneezy.
Dopey.
Bashful.
We'll shit 'em.
Yeah. Six and three, 63. Ye...ge...
- (Crowd shouting)
- Eight and four, 84.
Two little ducks. Quack, quack.
Don't believe me?
- There, have a look. 22.
- Slow it down.
..41, never mind slower, catch up.
- He's off his head.
- I'm not surprised.
Have you seen all this here? What's this?
Co-codamol, Pro Plus,
echinacea, ginkgo biloba.
He's eight miles high, this lad.
He's gangsta trippin'.
Here we go. What's four and five? 15.
- Forty five, fif...13!
- House!
House! Shut up! Shut up!
I've got balls left in.
Are you blind, woman?
You don't own me, you lot.
- (Rowdy shouting)
- I'm telling you now.
- What were 14?
- (Ray) I was developed...
- Basil Brush.
- What about 21?
- (Ray) ..by compressed air...
- Great Wall of China.
Oh, were it?
You're right clever, you.
I won't be a minute.
Get us some crisps.
Syphilis.
- Basil Brush.
- Yep.
And that's the Great Wall of China.
Lovely.
- What's that?
- That? That's my mobile.
(Laughs) Oh, yeah?
You naughty girl, eh?
You'll do for me. Go on. Hey.
- Oh!
- Ooh. Hey.
(Whistles) Look at that.
You'll get nowhere in life doing that.
I don't know. It got me my eleven-plus.
- (Applause)
- Hey. Oi. Are you cold?
- 'Ey up, Jerry.
- It's gone cold, really cold.
But it's nice cold, it's nice,
no, cold. Don't worry.
It's a warm cold,
you know what I mean?
You know, I love you, Alan.
I love you. I do.
You're not supposed
to drink on them tablets.
Dusty! Dry! Gobi Desert.
Desert, you see.
Catch the moon. Catch the moon.
Come on, gonna catch the moon.
Get the moon, now, bring it down.
No. Can you moon walk?
Look. You can moon walk
now the moon's down here.
Here we go. I'm gonna play a song.
I want the title of the song, not the artist.
OK? Remember that. The title
of the song...not the artist. Here we go.
♪ It's a kind of magic ♪
- Put it down.
- No. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on.
- Whoa, whoa, hey, hey!
- What are you doing, man?
Let me get set up here. I want
the name of the song...not the artist.
Here we go. Try this on for size.
- ♪ Young at heart ♪
- Shit. Hang on, whoa!
Whoa, let's play this game
properly or not at all.
- Hey, hey!
- It's not right!
Get with the programme, dickhead!
Gotta win some lager!
(Ranting) Hey, do teeth itch?
Do teeth itch? Tee...! If you...
Just give us that.
See, the thing with teeth...
You go...lemon.
Mm, lemon, good, good for teeth.
- Come on!
- Come and sit down.
- Take five minutes...
- They're good. Big girls...
- Jerry...
- Hey, no, don't sit down.
I'll not sit down. Catch the moon.
- Catch the moon, bring it down.
- What's up?
- I can't see the moon.
- Come on.
We've got a bloody plane to catch! Go...
♪ Watching in slow motion
♪ As you turn around and say ♪
(Music ends)
(All sing)
♪ Take my breath away ♪
(♪ All continue humming)
(♪ Hums tune of Take My Breath Away)
♪ As you turn to me and say
♪ My love...
- ♪ Walking on the moon ♪
- ♪ ..the moon ♪
Walking On The Moon.
Ah-ha-ha-ha!
♪ Chitty Bang Bang,
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ♪
Sing! ♪ Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
♪ Chitty Bang Bang,
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
♪ Ooh! You! Pretty Chitty Bang Bang
♪ Chitty Chitty
Bang Bang, we... ♪ Sing up!
♪ And you, pretty Chitty ♪
Faster. Come on! Faster.
Faster! ♪ Chitty Bang Bang,
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ♪ Louder!
♪ Chitty Bang Bang,
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ♪
Faster! Catch me!
(Thud)
The answer was...the Shroud of Turin.
- Oh.
- Shit.
- What did we have?
- Lisa Stansfield.
Number 26, the answer was...
He died in a plane crash.
Yes! Get in there!
(Crowd mutters)
(Hums)
Hold it up. I've told you! Hold it up!
Sit down, you! Give us a drum roll.
(♪ Drum roll)
Nnn...Ha-ya!
Ha-ya!
(♪ Cymbal)
In third place, Lord Love Rocket
and his mongy mate, Max!
Who?
- His mongy mate, Max?
- (Laughs)
You mean me?
I'll rip your bastard head off.
In second place, with 36 points...
Top Banana!
- Top Ba... Second?
- Second?
- What do you mean, second?
- ..fiddle going on here.
- The winners, in first place...
- (♪ Kung fu style theme)
taking away a year's supply
of Kamikaze lager...
with 39 points...
The Gipsy Kings!
- Who?
- Yes!
(Applause)
Ray. There must be a mistake
because you didn't call us out.
Kenny Senior, Spencer
and Young Kenny.
- That you?
- Yeah.
- You came twelfth.
- Out of how many?
Twelve.
Well, I don't think much of
your Top Banana. What happened?
Least they beat your lads.
That's all that matters.
My lads? What do you mean?
I won. I backed the winning team.
- Them's my boys, over there.
- I thought...
You see, that's your problem, Denzel.
You think too much.
You think I'd back that shower
of shit of mine? No way. No way!
Not a chance. I took out a bit
of insurance. Them's my boys.
The Gipsy Kings, the winning team.
Over there, with the gipsy quizmaster.
You're a snake, Potter.
They had the answers, didn't they?
Who knows? Maybe they did,
maybe they didn't. You'll never know.
- You...
- (Clatter)
Ho! N... Hello, Brian.
How did we go on? Did we win?
Did we win...tonight?
Did we... How did we do?
- (Trickling)
- Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
(Squeals) What you doing?
- No idea.
- Oh!
- (Trickling continues)
- Jerry! Get up, man.
If that's what your Kamikaze
lager does, you can shove it.
No, no. That is not Kamikaze lager.
Kamikaze is no... (Japanese)
- Sake what?
- Nonalcoholic.
- It's what?
- Nonalcoholic.
(Laughing) Cheers, Potter.
Another winner.
- (♪ Scratchy recording)
- ♪ Here comes Santa Claus
♪ Right down Santa Claus Lane
♪ Vixen and Blitzen
and all his reindeer
♪ Pulling on the reins
♪ Bells are ringing, children singing
♪ All is merry and bright
♪ Hang your stockings
and say your prayers
♪ Cos Santa Claus comes tonight ♪
(Brian) Next!
- (♪ Trammps: Disco Inferno)
We're getting warmer.
Did anyone see the film Backdraft?
I worked on that.
Showing De Niro the ropes.
Lovely bloke, Bobby.
That completes your tour.
I've been your tour guide, Kenny Senior.
Hope you've enjoyed...
Hope you've enjoyed the tour today.
Hope you've enjoyed...
Thank you, Kenny Senior.
This way, ladies and gentlemen.
This is where you buy
your charred souvenir remains.
- ♪ Burn, baby, burn...♪
- There you go.
Potter wants more ashtrays.
Hold up. Bit of chair, there.
- Right.
- Be careful with that.
£2, your charred glasses, there,
as, er, left on the fire.
All this is charred remains, love.
- (Woman) You're just cashing in.
- Oh, no, we're not cashing in, love.
No, you think that,
but getting rid of this is therapeutic.
It's part of the healing process.
Some of us still suffer flashbacks.
It's our Vietnam, this.
Scars are mental as well as physical.
- How much are your ashtrays?
- Four quid.
- Go on, I'll have two.
- Jerry, two ashtrays, please.
Yah, you bastard! Shit! Shit!
Some of us are still suffering, love.
(PA) 'The Queen celebrated
her silver jubilee.
'The Yorkshire Ripper was still at large
'and David Soul got to number one.
'What was the year?
'It's The Golden Years
on Chorley FM.
'Coming in your ears.'
(♪ David Soul: Silver Lady)
♪ ..searching, shifting
♪ From town to town... ♪
Yeah, yeah. What is it?
(Speaks Japanese)
- She what?
- Kamikaze.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I see, I see, I see.
Not a bad drop, is it?
Ha, h...hey.
I was saying to the wife - not a bad drop.
New, premier Japanese rager.
Kamikaze.
Could have done with this
when they built your railways. Not bad.
And what's all this about?
Win a year's free supply?
Win a year suppry. Dozo.
- (Man) Big promotion.
- Yeah?
For big, UK launch.
Let the British people know.
Oh, right. Let the British people know.
If you wanna let them know, my son,
you've gotta get out.
Wasting your time in here.
You've gotta get into the pubs,
get into the heart of clubland.
- (PA) 'Sonya to non-food.'
- Pubs, club?
Clubland. Brian Potter.
I run the Phoenix club, world famous.
As seen on TV. You might recognise me.
Eh?
No? I'm a bit of...
bit of a celebrity round here.
Yeah, yeah. This, this big...
this big UK launch,
have you thought about
where you might be having it?
- What do you think, Joyce?
- I'm not raving, Mary.
(Mary) No.
(Low coughing)
Well, what do you think?
- It's got a bit of a kick.
- Like a Japanese mule, Leslie.
- What do you think, Jerry?
- I can't drink on my tablets.
- More t...? What are these for?
- Remember, you burnt me hand?
I didn't burn your hand.
You burnt your own bloody hand.
Christ. Look at all these.
Druggie, druggie, druggie.
You'll be in the toilets next,
snorting Cecil.
- You mean Charlie?
- What?
- Charlie.
- I don't know who he is. Never met him.
Can you get mules in Japan?
I can.
- (Brian) Beautiful, isn't it?
- What are you gonna do, sell it?
More than that. we're gonna launch it.
Had a chat at the cash-and-carry
with the top bollocks.
Couldn't speak English
but he was fluent in the language of...
business, that's the main thing.
The upshot being,
he wants to have his grand launch here.
- Here, why?
- Cos we're the Phoenix Club,
as seen on TV, we're world famous.
Once he knew that,
he jumped at the chance.
D'you have to eat that muck in here?
It stinks!
Aw, Brian, it's beautiful.
Come on. Come on, try a bit. Go on.
Get bent.
I've got heartburn just smelling it.
So this grand launch,
what does he want? Big cabaret?
- Dancers? Bingo? Raffle?
- No, no, no. He wants...
A quiz. A pub quiz.
- A pub quiz?
- (Brian) Yeah.
A big quiz with a big prize. Read that.
"Win a year's supply of Kamikaze lager."
- Yeah. And we're gonna win it.
- How?
- We're gonna cheat.
- You can't cheat.
We can. Why can't we?
Someone's gotta win. Why can't it be us?
I wish you'd have discussed it with me.
I'm the licensee.
What's there to discuss?
We're losing a fighting battle.
That there, that's the answer
to our prayers, my son.
- A year's supply of free beer for sod-all.
- When does he want this quiz?
- Wednesday.
- Wednesday?
- Yeah.
- Not this Wednesday.
That's my night. Free And Easy night.
Well, if it's that free and easy, shift it.
No, I won't. I've built up a following.
Well, tell them they can both
come to the quiz.
Very funny. Thursday's quiz night,
always has been.
Wednesday, Free And Easy night.
You can't rearrange days.
I can do what we like, it's your club.
Well, look. If I'm in charge, I say no.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Adolf.
Just roll back.
Eh? There's a democracy.
We'll bloody vote.
Right, fine. We'll have a vote on it, then.
- Yeah.
- Right. All those in favour
of not having a quiz night
on Wednesday, say "aye".
Aye.
I'm sorry,
I don't understand the question.
You don't, do you?
Why don't you put your hand down?
Thanks, everybody.
Thanks for your support.
- Have your bloody precious quiz.
- We will.
But if you think I'm cancelling Free and
Easy, you've got another think coming.
Good. We'll have our quiz in here.
- Good.
- Yeah.
- Fine.
- OK.
Let me know if you want those mules.
(Jerry, over mic)
..two, one, two. Testing, one, two.
Three, two, one. One, two.
Two. One, two. One, two.
Oh, God. Eh? Frig me. Eh?
No wonder you wanted
your Free And Easy night.
"Jerry St Clair"? "Young At Heart"?
Did somebody say something then?
D'you hear anything?
"Sexbomb. She Bangs, She Bangs."
Oh, all the hits, eh?
Ho, ho, they're all on here.
Can you tell him you look with
your eyes, not with your hands?
He says, you look with your eyes,
not with your hands.
I heard what he said, Leslie, all right?
"The Drugs Don't Work."
They should. You've taken enough.
What are them? What do they do?
Stop you being an arsehole?
- It's you that's the arsehole.
- Ha-ha! You spoke to me.
Hey, he spoke to me. Time out, I win.
- The winner. Game over.
- They're for stress, all right?
Stress? What do you know about stress?
You wanna try walking a mile
in my shoes, boy.
- Yeah, so do you.
- Oh, that were below the belt.
Well, you wouldn't have felt it then,
would you?
Eh? Well, one... Two-nil.
Why don't you go for the hat trick?
Go on, slash me tyres
while I'm here, go on.
Look, for Christ's sake,
will you two just pack it in?
You're like a couple of bloody kids.
He started it. 20 years, 20 years.
I've known you,
Jerry Dignan, all that time,
and this person,
this past week, I don't know.
Who are you? I don't know you.
You know why?
I've realised what you are, at last.
You're a manipulator,
a schemer, that's what you are.
You've got your precious quiz
but you've got to cheat to win.
(Brian and Jerry)
I'm doing it for the club.
I've heard it before, Brian. What will they
do when they find out you've cheated?
It's not my problem.
Like you say, you're the licensee.
Innit? Noodles, them.
Who's made it?
Lads in t'back.
(♪ Singing in Chinese)
- Answer sheet?
- Yes, please.
- Thank you.
- Thanks very much. Thank you.
- Here's the Phoenix team.
- All right?
I thought there were three of you.
Where's Shere Khan?
(Kenny) Getting food.
(Brian) Look at this.
- It's a quiz, not a carvery.
- There you go.
- All right, Young Kenny.
- Nice one, Ken.
Christ, what colour's your face today?
- It's false tan, look.
- False tan?
If you're using my sarolium for frig-all,
it'll be more than your face that's tanned.
Smashing, this.
It just winked at me.
Listen, do you know what you're doing?
(Whispers) Don't worry.
We got it all sorted. Go on.
- What are those?
- (Whispers) Answers.
Do you know the questions?
No, but you never know, do you?
Jesus wept.
(Ray on mic) The Phoenix club,
in association with Kamikaze,
presents the biggest quiz in clubland!
Please give it up for the one and only,
the Mental Oriental, Mr Ray Von. Chaww!
♪ ..turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
♪ I really think so
♪ Turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
- ♪ I really think so ♪
- (Cheering)
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for that warm welcome.
It was lovely. It really did
bring a tear to my Jap's eye.
(♪ Kung fu style theme)
- (♪ Chinese cymbal)
- Ah-so.
Fill in your answers
on the sheet provided.
(♪ Brimful Of Asha on organ)
♪ They're dancing
♪ Behind movie scenes,
behind those movie scenes
♪ Sadi Rani
♪ She's the one
who keeps the dream alive
♪ In the morning, past the evening
♪ Till the end of the light
♪ A-brimful of Asha on the 45
♪ I said a brimful of Asha on the 45
♪ A brimful of Asha on the 45
♪ Brimful of Asha on the 45 ♪
Have you seen it out there? Have you?
Dead. Dead. I told him it'd be like this.
Where's Dot and Moira, eh?
Cliff and Tony?
Wednesday night.
Free And Easy night, eh?
- Half-empty.
- (♪ Man singing in club)
Mm?
- (Ray) Let's win that lager.
- (♪ Kung fu style theme)
Your first question.
I suffer from pyrophobia.
So what am I afraid of?
- Pirates.
- Go on.
- (Ray) I suffer from...
- Straightaway. Poom.
- (Ray) What am I afraid of?
- I'm off for a drink.
- Fancy a drink?
- I-I need a slash.
Hello, Mam. It's Kenny.
Kenny, your son.
I know, I'm sorry it's been a long time.
Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry I missed the funeral.
Oh... Don't cry.
Listen, what's pyrophobia a fear of?
(Loud farting)
(Man) I'll name that tune in one. (Laughs)
Thanks for coming to Free And
Easy night, not bothering with the quiz.
We've got a great night for you.
Go wild and crazy, give
a lovely welcome to Two's Company!
(♪ We Are Family)
Put the eyes back in, Granddad.
- I'm Candy Floss.
- And I'm Barbara Q.
♪ We are family
♪ I got my stepsister with me... ♪
- Have you got any water chestnuts?
- Yeah, it's good gear, this.
♪ Get up everybody and sing... ♪
Mm! Urgh!
- What's that?
- It's sake.
- God's sake, don't drink that.
- Me mouth's on fire.
I'm not surprised.
You'll strip paint with that stuff.
(Gasping)
(Ray) Sport.
- My balls are black and blue.
- (♪ Kung fu style theme)
I've just hit them with a mallet.
What game am I playing?
He's hit his balls with a mallet?
S'what he said.
(Ray) My balls are black and blue.
- I've just hit them with a...
- Oh, shit. They've all smudged.
- What the f...? State of this.
- (Mary) All right, love.
- (Mary attempts Japanese)
- (Ray) Your next question.
(Ray) was that a mobile phone
we just heard go off?
You'll have to turn that off.
Can't have any mobile phones...
(Perry) Evening, Potter.
(Ray) ..enemy of the quiz.
What do you want, Perry?
You're barred. Shouldn't be in here.
Now, now. Not a very warm welcome.
You're still attracting
the up-market clientele.
Christ. Don't know what smells worse,
them or the food.
- What do you want, Perry?
- Me year's supply of lager.
Ah, well. You're too late,
aren't you, dickhead?
Because the quiz has started.
Ha-ha-ha.
I know. I've come to see
how my team's getting on.
There they are.
The Banana Grove's finest.
Top of the quiz league,
three years running.
Right little Bamber Gascoignes, they are.
All right, lads?
Ringers? You can't do that,
Perry, that's cheating.
Well, you tell it to the judge, Ironside.
(Ray) The quiz ninja's word is final.
One and eight, 18.
Eight and three, 83.
(Panting) Five and...
Five and nine. Nine. Fif-nine. 59!
- Got one. This is on its own.
- Something's not right.
(Ray) Who was I and why did I kill?
Hey, Den Perry's got a team in.
- Where?
- Over there.
They're the league champions.
- It's all right.
- (Ray) The next question
- is worth seven points.
- (Crowd) Ooh!
I want you to name...
The Magnificent Seven.
OK, now you're talking. Here we go.
Coburn.
- Yul Brynner.
- McQueen.
McQueen. Bronson.
Sneezy.
Dopey.
Bashful.
We'll shit 'em.
Yeah. Six and three, 63. Ye...ge...
- (Crowd shouting)
- Eight and four, 84.
Two little ducks. Quack, quack.
Don't believe me?
- There, have a look. 22.
- Slow it down.
..41, never mind slower, catch up.
- He's off his head.
- I'm not surprised.
Have you seen all this here? What's this?
Co-codamol, Pro Plus,
echinacea, ginkgo biloba.
He's eight miles high, this lad.
He's gangsta trippin'.
Here we go. What's four and five? 15.
- Forty five, fif...13!
- House!
House! Shut up! Shut up!
I've got balls left in.
Are you blind, woman?
You don't own me, you lot.
- (Rowdy shouting)
- I'm telling you now.
- What were 14?
- (Ray) I was developed...
- Basil Brush.
- What about 21?
- (Ray) ..by compressed air...
- Great Wall of China.
Oh, were it?
You're right clever, you.
I won't be a minute.
Get us some crisps.
Syphilis.
- Basil Brush.
- Yep.
And that's the Great Wall of China.
Lovely.
- What's that?
- That? That's my mobile.
(Laughs) Oh, yeah?
You naughty girl, eh?
You'll do for me. Go on. Hey.
- Oh!
- Ooh. Hey.
(Whistles) Look at that.
You'll get nowhere in life doing that.
I don't know. It got me my eleven-plus.
- (Applause)
- Hey. Oi. Are you cold?
- 'Ey up, Jerry.
- It's gone cold, really cold.
But it's nice cold, it's nice,
no, cold. Don't worry.
It's a warm cold,
you know what I mean?
You know, I love you, Alan.
I love you. I do.
You're not supposed
to drink on them tablets.
Dusty! Dry! Gobi Desert.
Desert, you see.
Catch the moon. Catch the moon.
Come on, gonna catch the moon.
Get the moon, now, bring it down.
No. Can you moon walk?
Look. You can moon walk
now the moon's down here.
Here we go. I'm gonna play a song.
I want the title of the song, not the artist.
OK? Remember that. The title
of the song...not the artist. Here we go.
♪ It's a kind of magic ♪
- Put it down.
- No. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on.
- Whoa, whoa, hey, hey!
- What are you doing, man?
Let me get set up here. I want
the name of the song...not the artist.
Here we go. Try this on for size.
- ♪ Young at heart ♪
- Shit. Hang on, whoa!
Whoa, let's play this game
properly or not at all.
- Hey, hey!
- It's not right!
Get with the programme, dickhead!
Gotta win some lager!
(Ranting) Hey, do teeth itch?
Do teeth itch? Tee...! If you...
Just give us that.
See, the thing with teeth...
You go...lemon.
Mm, lemon, good, good for teeth.
- Come on!
- Come and sit down.
- Take five minutes...
- They're good. Big girls...
- Jerry...
- Hey, no, don't sit down.
I'll not sit down. Catch the moon.
- Catch the moon, bring it down.
- What's up?
- I can't see the moon.
- Come on.
We've got a bloody plane to catch! Go...
♪ Watching in slow motion
♪ As you turn around and say ♪
(Music ends)
(All sing)
♪ Take my breath away ♪
(♪ All continue humming)
(♪ Hums tune of Take My Breath Away)
♪ As you turn to me and say
♪ My love...
- ♪ Walking on the moon ♪
- ♪ ..the moon ♪
Walking On The Moon.
Ah-ha-ha-ha!
♪ Chitty Bang Bang,
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ♪
Sing! ♪ Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
♪ Chitty Bang Bang,
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
♪ Ooh! You! Pretty Chitty Bang Bang
♪ Chitty Chitty
Bang Bang, we... ♪ Sing up!
♪ And you, pretty Chitty ♪
Faster. Come on! Faster.
Faster! ♪ Chitty Bang Bang,
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ♪ Louder!
♪ Chitty Bang Bang,
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ♪
Faster! Catch me!
(Thud)
The answer was...the Shroud of Turin.
- Oh.
- Shit.
- What did we have?
- Lisa Stansfield.
Number 26, the answer was...
He died in a plane crash.
Yes! Get in there!
(Crowd mutters)
(Hums)
Hold it up. I've told you! Hold it up!
Sit down, you! Give us a drum roll.
(♪ Drum roll)
Nnn...Ha-ya!
Ha-ya!
(♪ Cymbal)
In third place, Lord Love Rocket
and his mongy mate, Max!
Who?
- His mongy mate, Max?
- (Laughs)
You mean me?
I'll rip your bastard head off.
In second place, with 36 points...
Top Banana!
- Top Ba... Second?
- Second?
- What do you mean, second?
- ..fiddle going on here.
- The winners, in first place...
- (♪ Kung fu style theme)
taking away a year's supply
of Kamikaze lager...
with 39 points...
The Gipsy Kings!
- Who?
- Yes!
(Applause)
Ray. There must be a mistake
because you didn't call us out.
Kenny Senior, Spencer
and Young Kenny.
- That you?
- Yeah.
- You came twelfth.
- Out of how many?
Twelve.
Well, I don't think much of
your Top Banana. What happened?
Least they beat your lads.
That's all that matters.
My lads? What do you mean?
I won. I backed the winning team.
- Them's my boys, over there.
- I thought...
You see, that's your problem, Denzel.
You think too much.
You think I'd back that shower
of shit of mine? No way. No way!
Not a chance. I took out a bit
of insurance. Them's my boys.
The Gipsy Kings, the winning team.
Over there, with the gipsy quizmaster.
You're a snake, Potter.
They had the answers, didn't they?
Who knows? Maybe they did,
maybe they didn't. You'll never know.
- You...
- (Clatter)
Ho! N... Hello, Brian.
How did we go on? Did we win?
Did we win...tonight?
Did we... How did we do?
- (Trickling)
- Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
(Squeals) What you doing?
- No idea.
- Oh!
- (Trickling continues)
- Jerry! Get up, man.
If that's what your Kamikaze
lager does, you can shove it.
No, no. That is not Kamikaze lager.
Kamikaze is no... (Japanese)
- Sake what?
- Nonalcoholic.
- It's what?
- Nonalcoholic.
(Laughing) Cheers, Potter.
Another winner.
- (♪ Scratchy recording)
- ♪ Here comes Santa Claus
♪ Right down Santa Claus Lane
♪ Vixen and Blitzen
and all his reindeer
♪ Pulling on the reins
♪ Bells are ringing, children singing
♪ All is merry and bright
♪ Hang your stockings
and say your prayers
♪ Cos Santa Claus comes tonight ♪
(Brian) Next!