Phoenix Nights (2001–2002): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript

(Brian) Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Straight up.

Straight up. Keep going, keep going.
Oh yeah, oh yeah.

That's it, you... As far as you can go.

Right up, no, right up.
As far as you can go.

That's it, and we're 100 yards
down on your left, love.

Past the dry-cleaners. All right.

- Mr Potter.
- Can you not knock?

Depends. Have you got a minute?
I want to show you something.

Jesus, I've just sat down.

- Well, what do you want to show me?
- This.

A speed trap? Who's put that there?



- Me.
- Are you out of your mind?

You said you want more members.

Yeah, and?

What do you do
when you see a speed trap?

- I'm in a wheelchair. It's not a problem.
- You slow down.

We get loads of cars going by the club
but they go too fast to notice.

With this, they see the marks
and hit the brakes.

Then they hit the pad
which triggers the sign.

- What sign?
- Young Kenny.

Oh, yes! Oh, yes, I like that!

Very good. It's not wired
to t'lamppost, is it?

No. Now, they'll see the sign
and pull into the car park.

All we've got to do now is wait for a car.

(Brian) Yeah.



Yeah.

(Sighs)

- Here's one now.
- (Brian) Thank God for that.

- I'm going away in June.
- Watch this,

he'll see the white marks...

now he'll hit the pressure pad...

- Bingo!
- (Sirens and bells)

- ♪ It's the Phoenix Club! ♪
- He's taking the bait!

- Indicate, son, indicate!
- (♪ Fanfare)

- Jesus Christ.
- (Engine revs)

I don't how we'll fit them all in, Ray,
I really don't.

(♪ Wham: Club Tropicana)

Oh, this is the life.

Oh, you know it, my friend.

(Woman on PA) 'Number two,
your order's ready.'

- That's us.
- Yep.

Oh, cover your arse up, man.

Max, women like a brown arse.

- I've never had a brown arse.
- Never had any women.

- (Wolf whistle)
- (Man) Get some clothes on.

You'll never know how many women
I've loved and lost.

- At your mam's?
- I've got the Volvo.

(Man on TV) 'All sports have
their fashlons and this is no exceptlon.

(Woman) 'But to be properly dressed...'

There you are, my darllng.
That's 1.20, please.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, sweetheart.

- Get some clothes on.
- We're in the sarolium.

Ugh! Tastes like horseshit, that.

- And I've tasted horseshit.
- You talk shit.

Ugh, they're stone cold, these.

- What's going on?
- (Paddy groans)

(Sizzling)

No! No, no wonder they're cold.

You don't stir-fry chips.

No. no. no, no.

- No...no, no, no!
- No, no, no!

- No.
- (Both) No, no, no, no.

- No, no, no.
- No, no!

Frank, it's Brian. How are you,
you old bugger? How's Blackpool...?

Potter. Brian Potter, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Not three had,
everything's up and running.

Yeah, yeah. We've been open
now for... What?

No, I took your advice.
Balls to the brewery.

I sent the doormen
to France on a booze run.

They got plenty,
they got two stowaways an' all. Yeah!

Fell off the back of a lorry.

I don't know where they're from,
they can't speak English.

No, have I hell. They're in the kitchen,

- earning their keep.
- (Knocking)

- Jerry St Clair?
- Yes.

Well, you know what it is... It's not...

I've got Jerry running the show.
Well, he thinks he is.

(Jerry) ♪ And then I look at you ♪

(Radio) ♪ And the world's
all right with me ♪

♪ The world's all right with me ♪

♪ Just one look at you... ♪
♪ I said just one look at you ♪

♪ And I know it's gonna be ♪

♪ And I know it's gonna be

(With radio) ♪ A lovely day... ♪

- (Gasps)
- (Tyres squeal)

(Horn blares)

Ooh, I'm sorry, love.
Oh, Jerry, what a shame.

- Ah!
- (Brian) Shut up, you girl.

- You should have your seat belt on.
- I did have it on.

Just weren't expecting a speed trap.
Who put it there?

Ray Von, trying to get more people in.

In where? Casualty?

- Have you pissed yourself?
- No, it's coffee.

- Why didn't you stop him?
- Me, stop him?

- You're the licensee.
- Am I?

Am I the licensee?
I am when it suits you.

- What do you mean by that?
- You know what it means.

You think I don't know
what's going on here but I do know.

You're running this place, not me.
I'm just a puppet 'ere.

A puppeteer? Do you do kids' parties?

You're paranoid, you are.
It's them drugs you're on.

No wonder your bladder's caved in,

- you're smacked up to your tits.
- Herbal medication.

This has knocked me karma out of kilter.

I've got to rebalance me Yin and Yang.

- Weren't they singing pigs?
- No, that's Pinky and Perky.

Hey, the lad's here for the bar job.

(Jerry) Whoa! Where are you going?

- I'm going doing the lad.
- It doesn't need two of us.

Remember, Brian, I'm the licensee.

(Mumbles) "I'm the licensee."

Right!

Come in, son. I'm Jerry St Clair,
I'm the licensee.

- All right.
- Sit down there.

- Spencer, isn't it?
- That's right.

- I never forget a face.
- Spencer for hire

and may I suggest that you remove
the sign saying "situation vacant"

and replace it with one saying
"situation full".

I'm your man.

Right. Good.

Tell me, have you any
previous experience of bar work?

Oh, yes, you name it. Not only
have I seen the film Cocktail six times

- but I also once was an innkeeper.
- Really?

- Where was that?
- In Bethlehem.

In St Peter and Paul's
production of The Nativity.

Not only did I give
Mary and Joseph room at the inn,

I also offered them en suite
with full English.

- And a lovely view of Galilee.
- Galilee. Fine.

That's it, that's it. Shine him up.

Shine him up.
They don't make men like TK any more.

Ooh, he broke a million hearts,
you know. On and off the table.

A million and one.

Jesus wept. Hey, Tiger Woods!

What have I told you
about using me walls as a skip?

- Bloody junk.
- Jerry likes it.

He will. Junkie.

Hey, look at this.
Den Perry's taken out a full-page ad.

- He's what? Shithouse.
- The Banana Grove.

"Come and lose yourself
in our new Bermuda Triangle suite.

"Top Jewish tribute act, Rabbi Williams."

- He's good, him.
- "Forget the rest,

"they're second best,
the Banana Grove beats the rest."

He's rhymed "rest" with "rest". No class.

Why don't we get one of these?

Are you gonna pay for it?

(♪ Fanfare outside)
♪ It's the Phoenix Club! ♪

Anything?

- Those your references?
- Yeah.

"Dear Mr St Clair,
Spencer would be great behind a bar."

That's from me mum, that one.

My old woodwork teacher, Mr Haroun,

he says "Spencer will definitely
end up behind a bar."

Says "bars", this.
Somebody's crossed the "s" off.

- Have they?
- It says "bars", this.

You know, Chip-Chip-Hooray?

Oh, here they go.
Come on, I'm ready for this.

- (Chatter in Chinese)
- Hey, hey! I'm here. (Whistles)

Come on.
They haven't got a clue, you know.

That's it, boys. Have a black milkshake
and a pound of piss.

- (Chuckling)
- Eh? Nothing.

See. Ant and Dec, there they go.

Whoa, whoa! Sweet child o' mine!
They've cremated me chips.

- Mummy's dicks.
- 'Tonight on Crimetime,

'the brutal assault
of a Birmingham pensioner.

'Have you seen this man?

'Police probe Leeds girl's snatch.
Can you help?

'And the violent armed robbery
of a high street jewellers.

- 'Does this ring a bell?'
- (Ray) That's clever.

- What?
- (Shouting, screaming on TV)

It's blatant advertising, isn't it?

The jeweller gets robbed,
he knows he'll get the insurance

but he gets Crimetime
to film a reconstruction.

'Don't move, you muppet.
Keep your mouth shut!

'Else I'll blow it off. Here we go!'

He gets loads of
free publicity on national TV.

It hasn't cost him a penny.

- Go! Go!
- Oi!

'Join us tonight.

'You know the time. It's Crimetime.'

- And what made you apply for this job?
- The DSS.

And why should I give it to you?

Cos the DSS will pay me wages
and it won't cost you a penny.

- Really?
- Yeah.

When can you start?
Welcome to the Phoenix, Spencer.

- Welcome aboard.
- Great.

Hang on, that's it!
Talk about wood for t'trees!

We'll get the crime team in,
the TV boys or whoever they are.

- They can reconstruct us.
- Reconstruct what?

Us. The club burning down,
the night of the fire.

Think of the publicity. National TV.

They must get about
100 million viewers, easy.

That's better than a crappy ad.

- It won't cost us a penny.
- That's what I said.

We could catch Den Perry an' all.
Send him down for arson.

The fat pig. Two birds, one stone.

(Kenny) But why would they come here?

We're an unsolved crime, Poirot.

And Joe Public,
he loves a good mystery blaze.

Oh, wait till I tell Jerry this, he'll love this.

I don't know how I think 'em up.

(♪ Crimewatch theme pastiche)
♪ It's the Phoenix club

♪ Pull off into paradise! ♪

Turn it on. Point it at the sign.

- All right, mate.
- At the sign. There y'are.

- What watt is it?
-2K.

UK? Put it right on the sign,
that's what you want.

- Mr Potter?
- Yeah?

I'm Chris, the director.
We spoke on the phone.

Are you? I thought you were a girl.

Well, here we are.
Nice to meet you, this is the Phoenix.

Burnt but not beaten,
singed but not, erm...

I'll show you where
we found the first body.

It's been all hands on dick,
we've rebuilt her from nothing.

Whoa, whoa, who's he?!

Tom, an actor. He'll be playing you.

He'll be playing me?
I'll be playing me. Off you go.

- (Chris) But I thought...
- You thought wrong.

You thought nothing. Look at that, eh?

Mr Potter, have you ever
worked in TV before?

Have I ever worked in TV before?
Mr TV, pal.

You name it, I've done it.

Pimp in Band Of Gold. Queer As Folk -
played one of the folk.

You just shout, "Cut!" and I'll do the rest.

OK, camera rolling and...

- Slate 41, take one.
- And action.

Now?

We were busier than this. We were full.

It was Talent Trek, hottest night in
clubland. We were jam-packed. Cut that.

- Good evening.
- (Reply in Chinese)

Hello, Mr Potter.

- (Chris) Cut!
- What?

- Boom in.
- Boomin'? What's boomin'?

- Boom in.
- We were boomin'.

But you can't tell.
There's no frigger in. I keep sayin'.

Where are the extras you promised?

- Say it again, son.
- Action.

Bless you!
They're sneezin' here, sorry. Cut.

Push that in,
don't put your thumb over that.

- Can you hear me?
- I'm stood at t'side of you.

I know,
but can you hear me through this?

- (Gibberish)
- Yes, I'm here.

OK, quiet please.

OK, quiet please.

- Going for a take.
- We are...going for a take.

- Who is this?
- Who's this?

What channel are you on?

Tell him.

ITV. ITV, I think.

Would somebody sort them out?

Slate 41, take seven.

Thank you.

- Action!
- Right. Good evening.

- (Reply in Chinese)
- Hello, Mr Potter.

Yes. Good evening, Joyce.

(Stilted) All right, Brian.
We're busy, tonight.

Well, we are the Phoenix Club,

the country's premier
entertainment complex, with a sarolium...

Let's get Potter. Let's do Potter.

Go on.

Taxi for Potter, taxi for Potter!

- 'Outside. Over.'
- It's them two tits, that!

- You should go and tell 'em!
- Cut.

Couple o' clowns. I had that in the bag.

There was none of this on Bergerac.

That's it. Oh, it's very therapeutic.

They used to touch me up on Taggart.
I played a drugs baron.

- Series four.
- Understood.

- Can we go?
- Still waiting on Mr Perry.

- What? What? Waiting on who?
- Mr Perry.

- Den Perry?
- Yeah.

Christ, don't have him here,
he torched the bloody place.

Right, where do you want me?

Oh, you're joking.

You've got a nerve
showing your face here.

- Damn cheek.
- Glad to be of help, Brian.

You know me. Do you know your lines?

Do I know my lines? Do I...

Yes. Watch I don't
act you off the bloody screen.

Ah, but what's your motivation?

I've got plenty of motivation, fat boy.
Seeing you in jail.

- Biting a pillow on D Wing.
- (Chris) Rolling.

- Slate 43, take one.
- Here we go!

(Chris) And...action.

He did it! Him there!
He burnt us down! That's the one!

- Him.
- Can't work with this. I'll be in me trailer.

(Brian) Trailer?! He's got a trailer?

Huddle up, huddle up.

Everything's going well but...
What have you got on your face?

- This is foundation.
- Michael Jackson's?

We're not advertising enough.
we have to be blatant.

Sell, sell, sell the Phoenix.

- This is our big chance. Right?
- (All) Right! Right!

(♪ Reach For The Stars on organ)

Cut.

Cut.

(Chris) Get it off.

- Get what off?
- The sign, the bloody sign.

What are you on about?

Now, you're just watching the show
and listening to the music.

- Slate 44, take one.
- And...action.

And there you go.

Thank you, that is a lovely,
silky-smooth pint.

- Here is your change, madam.
- Oh, no, that's too much.

- Surely that's not right.
- This is the Phoenix Club, madam.

Cut!

Why? That's how it happened.
It's like that every night of the week.

Chris, where do you want me?

(Laughing) Jerry, what have you got on?

Have you dyed your hair
or gone prematurely maroon?

- Leave it.
- Ooh, I like that. Leather pants.

Go and get your dad, tell him he's on.

If we could have you on the stage.

♪ I said reach for the stars

♪ Let every mountain higher

♪ Reach for those stars

♪ Follow your heart's desire

♪ Reach for the stars

♪ And when that rainbow's
shining over you

♪ You'll see your dreams
will all come true

♪ I said reach, reach, reach

♪ Reach! ♪

Eh? Fantastic!
Put that on your TV programme.

- (All) Bye!
- See you, son!

(Brian) We'll let you know
if we find your Crimetime lights.

- All the best, ta-ra.
- Bye!

♪ It's the Phoenix Club

♪ Pull off into paradise! ♪

- Ahh, eh?
- Oh, lovely.

- Did we expose the club enough?
- Oh, aye. Great job.

- Well done, everybody.
- We did good.

(Crimetime presenter)
'Our lines are open until midnight.'

- Is it on?
- 'An update at 11

'after An Audience With Jocky Wilson.'

(Shushing)

'And now we go back
to the November of last year

'to the Phoenix Club in Bolton.'

- (Cheering)
- 'It was the Talent Trek final,

'a night of fun and laughter.

'But a night that was to turn to tragedy.

'A mysterious blaze
devastated the Phoenix Club.

'The club's owner, Brian Potter,
takes up the story.'

- 'I won't forget that night.'
- (All cheer)

'It was the Grand Final of Talent Trek,

'the most prestigious night in clubland

'that we'd held concurrently
for three years.'

Good evening. Enjoy Talent Trek
at the Phoenix Club.

- I'll try to.
- Fatso, Fatso.

- 'I'd been on since 6pm.'
- I'm acting!

'I hadn't seen anything suspicious.'

Have you found anything suspicious?

- No.
- Very good.

(Max) It puts pounds on you, that telly.

(Brian) 'We were packed,
but we're used to that

'as the most successful club
in the region,

'open seven nights a week,
coach parties welcome.'

- (Raucous cheering)
- Come on, come on!

Evening, Pauline.
Don't go causing any bother.

Who's Pauline?

(Brian) 'It were a cracking night...'

- They've cut me line.
- That's cos you're shit.

'Who'd have thought,
while we were laughing and singing,

'that a towering inferno
was being started in the toilets?

'It just reduced me dreams to ashes.'

Not the first film I've been in, y'know.

'Burnt the face of me disabled boy.'

- 'Look at that.'
- (Paddy) This is sick.

- (Max) Sympathy vote.
- 'All right, son?'

'Could you turn it off, please?
Let's have a breather.'

(Les) He's gonna cry there.
(All) Look at that.

(Laughter)

- 'Disturbing scenes there.'
- 'Is that it?

'Where's the rest of it?'

- The singing and danclng.
- 'You've cut it all.'

- That can't be it.
- Where's the song?

'..Detective Inspector Jack Crawford
and the club's owner, Mr Potter.

'Detective Inspector,
if I can turn to you first.

'Do you have any leads at all
on this terrible crime?'

'We've known about Mr Potter
for a quite a while now.

'He's been involved
in a number of clubs

'that have been destroyed
in suspicious circumstances...'

'Whoa, whoa, roll that back.

'What do you mean,
suspicious circumstances?

'I hope you're not accusing me.
Did you hear that?

'What's that about?
I'll tell you who burned the club down

'and you cut him out the bloody film.

'Den Perry, that's who you want.'

'You can't accuse somebody
during an investigation.'

'Well, you've done piss-all so far.

'Look at this. He went for me then.'

Leave it. Oh, Brian.

- 'Two words. Biko.'
- 'Calm down, calm down.'

- 'He's doing it again!'
- 'For crying out loud.'

"'He fell, Your Honour."
It'll be another Rodney King!

- 'Tell Norman Tebbitt...'
- 'Let me finish!'

'Please calm down
and could we return to the subject...'

'I've lost my licence
and I've come on here

'and he starts accusing me
and you've cut out...

No, you can stick your show.

'You're not treating me
like one of the bloody Bee Gees.'

- 'No, sod ya.'
- 'Mr Potter, please...'

'I'll tell you something,
I'll catch him meself

'because you lot couldn't find
your arse with both hands.

- 'How d'you get out of here?'
- 'Mr Potter, please calm...'

(Laughter and applause)

'Thanks to Mr Potter.

'And we have rather a special
Crimetime appeal of our own.

- 'While at the club...'
- 'How d'you get out of here?'

'..we lost several
rather expensive film lights.

- 'We'd love to know about...'
- 'Where's the bloody door?'

- 'Don't have bad dreams.'
- 'You, ring me a taxi.'

- 'Love, ring me a taxi.'
- "Phone me a taxi"!

Come on, Jerry,
turn the Crimetime lights off an' all.

- Any calls on the update?
- 12. Eight of them were acts.

Crimetime? Bloody waste of time.

I'm going to stop paying me licence fee.

- You've never paid it.
- And why?

It's all chefs and DIY shaggin'.

- I don't know why I bother.
- (Horn honks)

- Yes?
- Are you that bloke off Crimetime?

- What?
- Were you on telly tonight?

Er...yeah. Who wants to know?

Is this that club that got burned down?

Yeah, this is
the world famous Phoenix club.

As seen on TV.

I'm Brian Potter. And that's Jerry St Clair.

You must be thirsty after
your long journey. Get the bar open.

Why don't you pull off
into paradise, come on.

- Nice one.
- I'll show you where the fire started.

♪ It's the Phoenix Club
♪ Pull off into paradise! ♪

Oh, aye.

♪ I'm going to be your man
I'm a one-girl guy

♪ Nobody else but you, no

♪ I'm a one-girl guy,
don't want nobody else but you ♪

Play that leg, sugar.

Go on. Oh, look at that.

He's playing his leg. Very brave, son.

♪ I'm a one-girl guy,
don't want nobody else but you

♪ Yeah! ♪

(With Elvis slur) Thank you.

Fantastic. You do anythlng else?

(Elvis) Aye, Blue Suede Shoe.