Phoenix Nights (2001–2002): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript

(# Big band swing)

- (Rattles)
- Oh-ho, Corfu for Christmas!

Hey? That's what we want!
Fantastic, that!

Must be thirsty work -

the bar's open next door
if you want a drink.

Be my guest.

Bloody hell,
where's me fruit machine gone?!

'Then you spray
on the affected area.'

'Right. Wow!'

I was enjoying that.

You'll enjoy this even more.



I have a special
announcement to make.

After hours
of tremendous pressure and...

- (Toilet flushes)
- Are you listening, Tony?

...and ruthless negotiation
I am proud to announce...

we got Talent Trek!

- (Cheering)
- The grand final!

Hallelujah, praise the Lord!

- Praise Brian Potter. I got it.
- When is it?

- Thursday.
- This Thursday?

- Correct.
- That's two days away.

I know. We have got to grab the cow
by the horns and pull together.

I want everything shit-shaped
and Bristol fashion

and spread the word
because the Phoenix is rising.

(All cheer)



(Mobile rings)

- Hello?
- Les, it's Brian.

- 'Hello Brian.'
- You all right?

Listen, I've got some great news.
We've got Talent Trek!

- You're joking! When?
- just now.

- No, when is it?
- This Thursday.

We can't, we've got the big show.

- What big show?
- Karate Kid: The Musical.

Screw the Karate Kid,
I need my backing band.

We can't let 'em down,
it'll break their hearts.

'Can we not do it next week?'

Yeah, you're right, probably.
I'll give 'em a ring.

Can they balls!

Shift the grand final so you can
frig about in a church hall?!

Brian, we just can't do it, mate.
I'm sorry.

Sorry, Lesley? This is the...

Right, then.
Well, now I know where I stand.

I think I'll go and give
Right Said Frank a ring.

- 'You can't do that.'
- Why?

They'll be busy.

Busy? A Right Said Fred tribute band?
How will they be busy?

If they're any good
they can have the job.

- What job?
- Yours and Alan's - you're sacked!

Shithead.

(# Imagination: Body Talk
on car stereo)

- Clamp it up.
- Yeah, I'm pulling it through.

- Good morning, Patrick.
- Oh, aye.

- Wet enough for you?
- It's never wet enough for me.

- What you doin'?
- (Max) We're fitting an alarm.

- We?
- Shut it. Yes, we.

You all right?

Hey, what's in your box?

- Cocaine?
- Top secret.

Hey, lads! Spread the word,
the Phoenix is rising!

What is it? Present for
your girlfriend? For Mary?

No, in fact I'm thinking of
letting things cool down a bit.

Wi' Mary? Why?

She's getting too keen.
Paddy likes to play the field.

Have a kick about,
put a few in the net.

Two words, Paddy: own goal.

You've got a cracker with Mary,
don't blow it, son.

- Do you hear me?
- (Laughing) Yes!

Yes! (Laughing)

What's everybody on today?

- Eh?
- Hey? Come on!

- Come here, come here.
- What?

Oh, get off me, you girl!

- (Laughs) 'Ey?
- You've heard, then?

Oh, I've heard! 'Ey?

- And?
- Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Spasms. just got spasms!

- What?
- I'm A1. I got the all clear.

Fit as a fiddle.
Look, look at that, Brian.

You're all clear?

- Yeah.
- Who've you told?

Shut the door. Who've you told?

I've not told anybody.

Oh, isn't life wonderful?

Breathe it in, Brian.
Breathe with me.

Take a deep breath of life,
it's...it's like being born again.

- A new life.
- You, you, you.

- What?
- I've something to tell you.

- We've got Talent Trek.
- We've not? (Laughs)

- The grand final.
- What a day!

How did you get that?
I bet Den Perry weren't happy.

- Cryin' in his beer.
- Oh, when?

- Thursday.
- This Thursday?

Have you told Les and Alan?

Shut up!
I've got to tell you something.

Just sit down.

I'm all clear, me. I'm all clear.

Yeah, I know. Shut up, listen.

Now, I want you to know...

it's not...it's not easy for me
to tell you this, Jerry.

I was under tremendous
pressure at the time.

What? What is it?

You're dying.

- I'm... What?
- You're dying.

No, I've got the all clear.

I know, but I told the committee that
to get Talent Trek.

So you told them I were dying?

I were desperate.

I said I didn't think
you'd see Christmas.

That swung it - they loved it.
Said it could be your swan song.

How could you say that?

It just came out, I don't know...

But we've got Talent Trek!

The grand final
from Den Perry, Jerry!

This is the one,
the light at the end of our tunnel.

But I'm all clear.

Trust you to bloody ruin everything.

Everyone thinks you're dying.
We had a collection for you.

But I'm all clear.

I know... You're all clear
but we're not, are we?

We're in the red!
Up to here with bills!

We're going tits up!
We're in a Catch-21 situation.

- Only you can get us out.
- Me? How?

- Pretend you're dyin'.
- But I'm all clear!

I know you are,
you keep tellin' the world.

Shut up. You know and I know

but no one else
needs to know, do they?

Not till after Talent Trek.

The difference between the Invader
2000 and other security systems

is you've got the facility
to personalise your alarm.

She's ready. Wanna give her a go?

- This it?
- Aye.

Arming the Invader.

- Activate. Activate...
- Just flick the switch.

- What?
- Flick the switch.

Flicking the switch.

- (Beeps)
- See them? Lighting up there.

See, it is now alarmed and
any exterior force will trigger it.

- It's new, it'll need tweakin'.
- (Paddy) Maybe if...

(Max's voice) 'Get back, you bastard!
I'll break your legs!' (Horn sounds)

That's me! That's my voice!

Now, that is shit-hot!

And at a price you can afford.

'I'll break your legs!'

- (Horn sounds)
- 'Get back, you bastard!'

- (Brian) Pretend you're dyin'.
- I can't. I can't do it.

If not for me, do it for the club.
Do it for the Phoenix.

I've been offered a cruise.

Oh.

Ohh. I wondered why Duggy Hayes
was sniffin' around.

Yeah? When's it sail?

Next month.

All the more reason to do it
if you're going away anyway.

- What have you got to lose?
- You're not bothered, are you?

Oh! Ohh, I'm bothered.

I'm bothered, but I'm more
bothered about this club.

We deserve this.

We deserve the...
pot at the end of the rainbow.

Do it, Jerry.

Do this one thing. Be the hero.

Go out in style.

(Siren wails)

This is what we want, Jerry.
Packed house, grand final, eh?

How many keyboards does he need?

Talent Trek this, not Live Aid.

Shut up, you girl.
I've got something for you.

- I want you to wear this.
- Why?

Because it makes you look ill.

- I can't, Brian, honest.
- You can. Go on!

Live the dream.
Don't forget you're dying.

# Goodbye my friend it's hard to die

# When all the birds
are singing in the sky

# Now that the spring is in the air

# Pretty girls are everywhere,
I'll be there

# Goodbye to you my trusted friend

# We've known each other
since we were nine or ten

# Together we climbed hills and trees

# Skinned our hearts
and skinned our knees

# Talked of love

# We talked of ABCs

# We had joy, we had fun
we had seasons in the sun

# But the hills that we climbed
were just seasons out of time

# We had joy, we had fun
we had seasons in the sun

# But the wine and the song
like the seasons have all gone

# We had joy, we had fun... #

Look what the cat spat out.

Den Perry. You come
to see how it's done, Den?

Never miss Talent Trek, Brian,
you know that.

You missed it this year.

Must've come as
a bit of a shock, Dennis.

I'll not lie,
I was gutted when I heard.

It's the golden goose,
we all know that.

Oh, this is just the beginning,
this, Dennis.

You better get used to it.

You've not lost the Potter touch,
I'll give you that.

I know when I've been beat.
There's no hard feelings.

That's my word. And you can
put my word in the bank.

(Jerry) Let's get tonight's
Talent Trek grand final underway.

- Long live the Phoenix.
- Long live the Phoenix.

- Bastard.
- Bastard.

Will you welcome onstage,
act number one -

it's Michelle...Coffee!
Come on!

(Cheering)

# You can reach me by railway

- (Train horn blows)
- # You can reach me by trailway

# You can reach me on an airplane

(Plane engine)

# You can reach me with your mind

- # You can reach me by caravan
- (Car horns honk)

# Cross the desert like an Arab man

(Confused voices)

# I don't care how you get here just

# Get here if you can... #

I told him they'd be like this.

# You can reach me by sail boat

(Ship's horn)

# Climb a tree and swing rope to rope

(Tarzan yell)

# Take a sled
and slide down a slope

- (Falling note)
- # Into these arms of mine... #

(Bad Oriental accent)
My name is Mr Miyagi.

From Okinawa.

This is the story of Daniel-san.

A young street punk
from New Joisey

who came to Carifornia
with a suitcase full of dreams

and left...

- (Mobile rings)
- ..a Karate Kid.

(Normal voice) Can you
turn that off, please, love?

# Whoa-oh oh-oh oh-oh ohh-oh

# Building a bridge to your heart

# Whoa-oh oh-oh oh-oh ohh-oh

# Let's make a new start,
build a bridge to your heart... #

Just, er, nipping for a fag, Jerry.

Good.

# Good or bad
# (Good or bad)

# Time will be a saviour

# I can't give you
no written guarantee... #

Here we go. In for a penny...

(Knock at door)

- (Jerry) Come on!
- (Applause)

Cheers.

(Jerry) The Singing Builders!
Well done, lads. Great stuff.

The Singing Builders there.
Fantastic, eh? Fantastic.

# Sand the deck, sand the deck
# Sand the deck, sand the deck

# Paint the fence, paint the fence
# Paint the fence, paint the fence

# Wax on

# Wax off

# Now you the Karate Kid #

(Gong resounds)

(Scattered applause)

(Indistinct voices approaching)

- (Mary) Paddy?
- Yeah?!

- Paddy, you in there?
- Yeah! Whoa, hang on.

Wait... Right, come in.

Why've you been avoiding me?

What've you done to your hair?

- Why? What?
- It looks all big.

Me hair, it grows really quick,
it always has done.

D'you like it?

# Friends may forsake me... #

(High-pitched voice)
What will you do, Daddy?

# I'll just let them all forsake me

# For I still have you... #

Who am I, Daddy?

# Sonny boy #

(Applause)

(Jerry) David Hunter and Noogoo!

Now, ladies and gentlemen
be prepared to be amazed

by Miss Bonny la Muff!

(Applause)

(# Billy Ocean: Get Out Of
My Dreams, Get Into My Car)

(Glass shattering)

# Who's that lady?

# Who's that woman

# Walkin' through my... #

Shit.

I knew this was gonna happen.
What are we gonna do?

(Whispers) Kenny,
you phone the police.

- We'll tackle them.
- We? We won't.

I'm ill, remember?
Let the police sort this lot out.

I'll go and tell Potter.

Right.

# Get into my car... #

What you up to, boys?

You made me jump then.

Get inside, you've seen nothing.

I've seen enough.

'Get back, you bastard!
I'll break your legs!'

(Horn blows)

'Get back, you bastard!
I'll break your legs!'

(Horn blows)

'Get back, you bastard!
I'll break your legs!'

What's up? Hm?

It's just that...you never seem
to have the time to...

Shh!

'..you bastard!
I'll break your legs!'

(Horn blows)

- All right, Ray? Need some help?
- I wouldn't mind!

- What'll you do on your own?
- He's not on his own.

'I'll break your legs!'

- What have you done to your hair?
- Nothing.

(Grunting)

- Are you wearin' a wig?
- No.

(Grunting)

- Is that a wig?
- Shut up about me hair!

Sweet Baby James!

- Call the police!
- I've called 'em!!

- What are those?
- Car stereos.

Tell him to get off me, Potter!

I knew you'd be like this!
Who's that? The Fonz?

(Jerry) I've called an interval
but they're getting restless.

What we gonna do?

- (Pinned man yells)
- Shut up, you girl!

We're gonna have to beg, Jerry.

Sweep the legs. No mercy. Finish him.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, Daniel-san.

Always eye.

(Mobile rings)

- What?
- Hello, Lesley? It's Brian.

- 'You busy?'
- What do you want?

- Fancy your old jobs back?
- (Police siren)

Tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome back, at very short notice,

the best backing band in clubland -
it's Les Alanos!

(Applause)

(Jerry) Your very own!

There can only be one winner but...
getting to the final, they're all...

(Brian) Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- I have the result!
- It's Brian Potter!

Give him a round of applause!

Ladies and gentlemen,
I have the results

but these are not
the results of Talent Trek.

I don't know if you've noticed
but I'm disabled.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I can't stand up on this stage
like this brave man,

singing and dancing
for your entertainment.

Those of you who know
Jerry "The Saint" St Clair

know he's not been a well man.

Yes, it's been touch and go,

and he's had some tests,
ladies and gentlemen,

and these are the results
of those tests, Jerry!

- These are the results!
- I can't believe this.

- Drum roll, please, Lesley.
- (Drum roll)

- Gold envelope.
- Must be BUPA.

- (Cymbals)
- Thanks.

It's an all clear, ladies and
gentlemen! Jerry's all clear!

(Cheering)

(Brian) An all clear! Hit it, boys!

(# Kool and the Gang's
Celebration)

# There's a party going on right here

# Jerry's better,
he's got the all clear

# So bring your good times
and your laughter too

# We're gonna celebrate
Jerry's all clear with you

# It's time to come together... #

Come together!
# It's up to you Jerry's better!

# Everyone around the world,
come on! #

Clap along!

# Yahoo!

# It's a celebration

(Cheering)

# Celebrate good times, come on! #

Come on, Jerry! Live the dream!

Hey, hey, hey! Thank you.
Long live the Phoenix!

It's a crackin' little club,
ain't it?

Oh, yeah. A crackin' little club.

Long live the Phoenix.

- Can't believe you did that.
- Did what?

- You know.
- They loved you. They loved you.

They'll kill me if they find out.

They'll not find out.
Don't trust me, do you?

No.

You'll be off on your cruise soon.

I better start looking
for a new compere.

We'll miss you, Jerry.
You know that, don't you?

- Will you miss us?
- No.

- What?
- I'm not goin'.

- You're not goin'?
- I changed me mind.

Well, can you see me on a cruise?

I get seasick.
I threw up on a pedalo once.

Besides,
I'd miss this place too much.

Aye, you know it, Jerry.
This is where you belong!

This is it. Me and you -
and this is just the start, this.

Aye. It's not much
but it's our Caesar's Palace.

Correct.

(Brian) Who won Talent Trek?
(Jerry) Ventriloquist.

(Brian) He didn't?
He was movin' his lips!

(Jerry) I booked him.
(Brian) Oh, Jesus.

Jerry, this is
supposed to be a new beginnin'!

A fresh start.

How much we payin' the monkey?