Phoenix Nights (2001–2002): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

Prostitutes are rough in Amsterdam.

First one I went with
made me wash my old man in t'sink.

You took your dad?

(Men) # Super John

# Super John McGinlay

# Super, super John... #

Oh. Oh, I hate match days.
Look at this.

# We're Bolton, we're barmy,
we're on the march tonight... #

How far away are they?

# We're Bolton, we're barmy,
we're on the march tonight

# We're Bolton, we're barmy,
we're on the piss tonight!



# We're Bolton, we're barmy,
we're on the march tonight... #

Whoa! Whoa!

# ..we're on the piss tonight! #

Enough! Enough!

Get back on the bus!
You're not comin' in!

- I'm getting married next week!
- You're not comin' in!

Let him in. It's his stag night.

- Is it money you want?
- No. Just get back on the bus.

(Shouting)

- What's up with this?
- Can't you read?

Oi! Tattoo! Get away from there!

Who are you calling Tattoo,
you long streak of piss!

I'm calling you Tattoo.

(Shouting)



(Man on stage) # Whoa, oh oh... #

(Smashing glass)

(Rowdy shouting)

(All shouting)

(Max) Come here,
you little bastard!

(On TV) # It's Easy Armchair
Super Store #

(Man) 'Having your car stolen,
which happened to me, scumbags,

'ranks amongst the lowest of the low.

'Here's John Lennon
with the latest deterrent.

- 'What have you got?'
- 'The answer to your dreams.

'The Invader 2000.'

- 'It's a car alarm.'
- 'Well, it is...'

(Nurse) Mr Dignan?

- Jerry Dignan?
- Yes, sorry. Sorry, love.

(Radio) # You saw
the whole of the moon... #

Mr Dignan, do you know
what's going to happen?

- Sort of, yeah.
- OK.

Now, if you'd like
to pull your knees up for me.

- OK?
- That's lovely, thank you.

Now, I'm just going to introduce
a camera into your back passage.

Introduce?

(Doctor) Look at the state of that.
Filthy. Can you wipe it?

Yeah.

She was with him again
last night, Marion.

- Who?
- Our Mary.

That Patrick off the door. They
didn't get back till one o'clock.

And then they was out
on t'front doorstep

saying night-night till gone two.

Have you said anything?

Oh, well, what can you say?
I've prayed for her.

He's not a bad lad, Paddy.
But he likes his women.

Well, my Mary's not a woman.

She hasn't even finished
her A levels yet.

Come on, let's talk about
summat else, anyway.

Oh! Uh! Ah!

- (Nurse) Oh, is it painful?
- Very.

Oh, don't worry, love,
it won't be long.

This monitor'll
to take your mind off it.

Them's your bowels.

- All right, Paddy?
- You all right?

- How's it going?
- All right.

What do you want?

Your opinion, really.

- Eh?
- Am I going bald?

Goin' thin on top?
What's this there?

(Banging)

Oh, Christ.

- What are you doing?
- Paddy!

- Eh?
- Eh, Paddy!

What's going on here?
What are you doing?

- How you doing?
- All right?

- What's going on, man?
- What do you think?

Throwing your money away!
I didn't know you did takeaways.

Should be putting it on,
not taking it off.

Hey-hey!

(DJ) 'This is Chorley FM,
coming in your ear.'

I mean, look at Sushi.
He's only 42 and he's coping.

- Sushi?
- Roy Fish off the estates.

He had half his stomach out
and a bag on his hip.

- He still goes jogging.
- Oh, thanks(!)

Jesus, I'm only trying
to cheer you up, man! You're A1.

- You're a bloody hypodermic.
- What?

You're worried
about this and that.

Put yourself in my shoes.

Stop stirring your tea, dickhead.

I had dreams, Jerry.
I wanted Frank Sinatra.

I wanted Showaddywaddy.

And what have I got? Robot Wars
and alternative friggin' comedy.

Oh, no, it's tonight, innit?

Yes, it's tonight.

Another one of your dreams
I've been strong-armed into.

"It'll get in the students in.
They love all that new comedy."

You know how many tickets we've sold?

Marion! She's gone.
She's seen the iceberg.

Well, it's not many,
I can tell you that.

And what have you called us -

the finest cabaret lounge
this side of Garstang?

(Both) The Funny Farm.

The Funny Farm, Jerry.
Yes, the bloody Funny Farm.

That's where
they'll be carting me off to

cos Potter is pissing in the wind.

And Den Perry and the other boys
are laughing at us.

So don't you go throwing
a sickie tonight.

Don't you dare. Get on stage
and get your act together.

I can't because
I've got real problems.

- If you haven't noticed...
- Oh, shut up!

Oh, OK. We'll play it that way.

We'll play it that way, then.
Now I know where I stand.

Good night and God bless.

I'll be in me office
shaking off a migraine.

Sorry, brain tumour.

You coming to t'club tonight?
They're having Robot Wars.

At the club?

Pennine Suite.
You know, like on telly.

He must be on his arse, Potter.

Yeah. We've entered a robot.

- Who?
- Me and The Hills Have Eyes.

Bollocks! Who's built it?

- We have.
- You can't even change a plug.

Oh, I tell you,
it's an all-out assault vehicle.

- Bollocks!
- You wanna see it.

Tell him, Patrick.

- It's a bitch.
- How many gears has it got?

Plenty. Ever so many.

Where is it?

She is in the boot.

- Bollocks, I've gotta see this.
- Straight up.

Hey. There she is.

- You built that?
- Oh, yeah.

- Bollocks.
- We're livin' la vida with this.

- Whoa, hands off.
- It'll take your hands off.

(Heavy rainfall)

So they said they'd be in touch.

All I've got to do is wait.

- Yeah.
- Play the old waiting game.

Yeah, yeah.

- Here you are.
- Hi, Paddy.

Jerry, you all right?

Well, I'd better get back inside.

If any more comedians come,
send them through.

Will do, Jerry, lad.

- He's one of the good guys, Jerry.
- He's sound as a pound.

Is he still shitting blood?

It's the Funny Farm,
ladies and gentlemen.

Mirth, merriment and laughter.
join in. Here we go.

# Every silver lining has a cloud

# And each piece of good fortune

# Must be paid for by the pound... #

(Man) I was really off my head.

I didn't get up till three
and I missed four tutorials!

(Laughter)

ls this the Funny Farm?

Fanny Farm?

Funny Farm, yeah.
The Funny Farm?

- Fanny?
- Do you mean the Funny Farm?

Yes, this is the Funny Farm.
Yes, it is.

Down there, door on your right.

Erm, do you take NUS?

- What?
- Do you take NUS?

I don't take none of that shit!
My body's a temple!

Go on, get in.

Coming in here
with your bloody ha ha ha-shish.

- It smells funny.
- Look at the wallpaper. Cool!

I hate students.

You hate students? That's rich.
You're courting one.

No, I'm not.

Whatever.

# I don't know how it started
but it won't go away... #

Come and sit down, here we go.

Welcome. I'm Jerry St Clair.

It's my privilege to welcome you

to a night of comedy
in an alternative styl-ee.

Oh, yes. The posse are here.

# So you better smile
# Smile

# Smile
# Smile

# Smile
# Smile

# Smile
# Smile... #

Right, listen up,
these are the rules. You get...

You get five minutes.
Ten, if they're laughing.

If they're not laughing, you're crap,
you're off.

- When do we get paid?
- When you make me laugh, mouth!

You're on first.
Kenny, tell the Saint.

- Who's the Saint?
- Him trying to sing out there.

Watch and learn. He's forgotten
more than you lot know.

# Your life's in a mess
you've been cut adrift

# You've gotta smile #

No filth, simple as.
No smut. No swearing.

No racism, right?
No queer or lezzy stuff.

Don't go there. It's a family club.
The Queen's photo's there.

As far as you are concerned,
she may as well be here.

Do I make myself crystal?

Is it me or do all pensioners
stink of piss?

My grandmother can't
even remember where the toilet is

and that's why she stinks of piss!

(# Frankie Goes To Hollywood:
Two Tribes)

Welcome to Robot Wars.

Tonight is about
the survival of the fittest,

where the last robot standing
will be the winner

and receive a jackpot prize...

of £63.

Roboteers...are you ready?

Yeah, ready!

'Ey-up! Here's your latest flame
now, Paddy.

- Hiya.
- You all right?

It's Mary's daughter, Mary...

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, you?

- Hello, Mary. How are you?
- OK, thanks, and you?

- Are you going in?
- Yeah.

Go on. In you go.

Never mind. just go on.

Mary's daughter. Charming kid.

- Do you want a brew?
- No.

Are you sure?
I've got a hell of a thirst on me.

No, no.

I'm gagging.
Sure you don't want a brew?

- I've just had a brew!
- I'm going to get a brew.

Yeah, you go and get a brew, Paddy.

Must think I'm bloody stupid.

I tell you, that fella
needs a trip to the dentist.

(Needle scratches, music stops)

And here he is, everybody,
to get this roller ball rolling!

Welcome our very own Davros.
Mr Brian Potter! Come on!

(Scattered applause)

(Ray) Welcome to Robot Wars!

You said there were gonna be 30.

This is Team Chaos.

And this is The Cleaner.

That a...
That a robot, son, is it?

Actually, the term's automaton.

The Cleaner's multi-directional,

it's fitted with a twin whizzer
blades mechanism at the back,

and it's also got a triphammer
device at the front.

Have you ever kissed a girl?

# There's a lot of bitterness
in my life

# There's a lot of bitterness
in my life...

# Da-da da-di da-di da-di,
da dee, da diddily dee... #

- Are you nervous, son?
- Oh, yeah.

- Do you work?
- Teacher.

Good lad. Good lad.

- Do you?
- I'm on sick at the moment.

- I've been really ill.
- Nothing serious?

They don't know.
I'm waiting for test results.

Playing the old waiting game.

Still, this alternative comedy,
what do you make of it?

All a bit weird, aren't they?

(Man on stage) Good night.

There you go. Well done, son.

Nick Artistic, eh?
Comedy in a rhyming style, eh?

Les Alanos liked him anyway.
So just before we crack on,

I've got an announcement for you.

Will the owner of the car
with the number plate G653 472

173 45

86 45191 742X

please move it, cos the number
plate's blocking the fire exit.

(Drum flourish)

Right, so anyway... Yo, posse.

Now, here we go with the next act,
ladies and gentlemen.

Will you welcome, all the way
from over there, it's Darius.

(Cheesy organ intro)

(Screeching)

(Screaming gibberish)

ls this as bad as it gets, Kenny?

Can we sink any lower than this?

(Screaming)

He taught me metalwork.

Hey!

- What?
- Had your brew?

- Why?
- Come on. We're up next, us.

- What?
- Robot Wars.

We're up against
Death By Chocolate.

We'll shit 'em.

That's Team Voodoo with
their robot, Death By Chocolate.

Now, roboteers, their opponents,
Team Double Trouble

and their robot...

Ass Kicker!

(# Frankie Goes To Hollywood:
Two Tribes)

# Ow, ow, ow

# Ow, ow

# Let's go

# Ooh... #

So the king said,
"No, you pillock,

"I said ping-pong balls,
not King Kong's balls."

You're shit. Get off!

They spoilt lovely teeth
when they put a mouth in your arse.

What?

- Anyway, on with the show...
- He always ceases to amaze me.

# When two tribes go to war

# A point is all that you can score

# Let's go to war,
let's go to war

# When two tribes go to war

# A point is all that you can score

# Workin' on the black gas... #

You spend a lifetime...

waiting for Godot.

And then three come along at once.

Tell us a joke we know!

# When two tribes go to war

# A point is all that you can score

# When two tribes go to war... #

Good evening! Come on!

My name's Jeff Bitch.

You can just call me Bitch.

That's just the ladies, that is.

Hee hee. I'm a bitch.

# When two tribes go to war

# A point is all that you can score

# When two tribes go to war

# A point
is all that you can score... #

# Tits! Tits!

# I want tits! #

Come on!
Get your tits out, ladies!

Kenny, get me Zantac.

Yay! Hey-hey!

There you go.
Jeff Bitch. There he goes.

Let's hear it for our winners.
Ass...

Ass Kicker! Come on!

Well, that's just about it
for Robot Wars.

Thank you and good night.

- There you go, my friend.
- Cheers.

Lovely jubbly.

- Whoa, what's this?
- Your prize money.

- 20 quid? Where's his?
- It's between you.

We want more than that!

I build it, you race it, we agreed.

We agreed a three-way split.

Typical gypo.
I bet he were like this on Dodgems.

I spent weeks building that.
I put all the graft in.

And I'll put my boot in

if you don't dip your hand
in your pockets.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I've had a great night.

This wasn't it
but I've had a great night.

Hey, grandad,
your jokes are as old as you.

- So what are you into?
- Your mother.

- My mother's dead.
- Did she hear your act?

(Feedback)

Get Max and Paddy.

(Feedback continues)

I can't believe it, honestly.
It's amazing.

A hundred million sperm...

and you were the quickest.

No justice, is there?

- At least I'm funny.
- Sorry?

- I said...
- I heard you. I'm just sorry.

Save your best till later on
for blowing up your girlfriend.

- (Laughter)
- You lot make me sick.

You think you know it all,
don't you? But you don't.

When there's a knock,
why do dogs think it's for them?

What exactly did cured ham have?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear
crash helmets? I've no idea.

When they circumcised you,
did they throw away the best bit?

- (Laughter)
- It's funny. Can you hear 'em?

It's not a coincidence.
When I finish talking, they laugh.

A bloke went to the doctor's
with a steering wheel in his pants.

Doctor said, "Looks painful."
He said, "It's driving me nuts."

Beam down. Planet Comedy, son.

I'm a little teapot, short and stout.

Here's my handle, here's my...

- Oh, I'm a sugar bowl.
- (Laughter)

I said to the butcher,
"Where's your assistant?"

He said, "I've sacked him.

"He kept putting his willy
in the bacon slicer."

"What about your bacon slicer?"
"I sacked her an' all."

You're not funny.

What's your name, son?

- Any idea?
- Stu.

Stu?

Short for stupid?

Well, Stu, this might come as
quite a surprise to you, but...

Aaah!

- Dick! This is a new top!
- New top?

You look like an extra from Tenko.

Don't go out on bonfire night.
They'll sling you. You'll be on.

Hey, hey, hey!
You push him son, you push me!

And me.

- And me.
- (Man) And me.

(2nd man) And me.

- And us.
- And me.

Right, you lot, out,
before I knock you out!

Sling it! Go on! You're not welcome!
All of you, leave!

- I'm not leaving without a refund.
- Kenny, best make him a bed up.

I want my money back.

I wanna moonwalk
but life's a shithouse. Out!

Leave it, Stu.
Wouldn't come back here anyway.

Good! You're not welcome!
You're barred!

- (Jerry) What have we got here?
- (Music starts)

This is the one. Bye-bye, boys.

# Bye-bye, baby

# Baby, bye-bye... #

Wave at him. Wave at him.

# Bye-bye

# Bye-bye, baby,
don't make me cry

# Didn't like you much
when I first met you

# And I never will
quite forget you... #

- (Knocking)
- Come in.

- Jerry. All right?
- Yeah, not so bad.

Duggy Hayes
of Hayes and Marshall - the agency.

Oh, right, Hayes and Marshall.

I enjoyed what you did.
You handled the situation well.

You wanna be in on Saturday -
cabaret night.

No, I don't.
I like what I've seen already.

That's very kind of you, sir.

Look, erm, we do cruises.
We do the Caribbean, Mediterranean.

Or to Rotterdam.

Not bothered about
getting your feet wet, are you?

No, Duggy.

- Give me a bell.
- Thanks, I will, Duggy.

- See you later.
- Might just do that.

(# Jaunty organ)

I used to be able to do that.

(Laughing)

I did, Lesley.

Olé! Oh!

Olé!

You what?

I think I'll book these.

- Oh! See that?
- (Brian) You're booked!

(Cheering)