Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Dog Turns Playboy - full transcript
Betty Jo and Bobbie Jo are among the group trying to mount a fund-raising stage production to buy some playground equipment for the kids. Because of casting problems for the female lead, Betty Jo comes up with a new idea: rewrite the play for an all canine cast with Dog in the lead. Meanwhile, a former guest of the hotel, Mr. Kroger, who has just passed away, has deeded $200 to his favorite resident at the Shady Rest: Dog. With his new found wealth, Dog is generous to his friends, which does not include Uncle Joe, who does whatever he can to get a hold of some of Dog's money. But Dog is also letting the money, the resulting fame and adulation - including a front page newspaper article at which he can't stop staring - and the starring role in the play go to his head. Dog learns the hard way that fame and wealth can be fleeting, and that keeping to commitments is more important.
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
Quiet!
Gee, Lillian, all I did
was walk home with her.
That's all, Lillian.
- Well, I don't know what to say.
- I do.
Good-bye, Lillian.
Look, we're never
gonna get anywhere
if you all talk at once.
Now, if you've got a
suggestion, raise your hand.
- Mr. Drucker?
- I suggest you all leave.
Oh. Any other suggestions?
How about
Geraldine for the part?
She's a good actress.
Yeah, but she weighs 180 pounds.
How's the hero gonna
lift her over the wall?
Maybe she could lift him.
Hey, Herbert!
That'll be seven cents.
Seven cents? What for?
For 21 grapes.
But I only ate six.
What about those 15 dropouts?
Betty Jo, I wish you'd hold
your meeting somewheres else.
But, Mr. Drucker,
we're doing you a favor
bringing you all this trade.
"Trade" means
people buying stuff.
This is more like a
shoplifters convention!
Don't worry, just keep
track of what's missing,
and we'll pay you at
the end of the meeting.
This is the end of the
meeting. Now, scoot, all of you.
But, Lillian, you've
got to believe me,
all I did was walk
home with her.
That's all he did,
Lillian. Good-bye.
Now, skedaddle.
But we haven't
cast the play yet.
And if we don't, we
won't raise enough money
for the new playground
equipment for the kids.
What's the sense of buying
the kids playground equipment?
They'll still come in here and
swing on the coffee grinder.
We'll only be a
few minutes more.
That's what you said
yesterday afternoon.
If your play runs as
long as your meetings,
you got a smash hit.
Give me that.
Haven't I had enough
trouble with all these kids
without having to
keep an eye on you?
And he ain't even
gonna be in the play.
Well, of course
he's not gonna...
Hey, kids, I think Mr. Drucker
just solved our problem.
I did? W-Well, how about solving
mine and clearing out of here?
Jonathan says,
"Nuts like Grimsby
will never threaten
the world again."
Not so fast.
What's the use of going
to secretarial school
if you can't keep up?
I can type 100 words a minute,
as long as you don't
say them too fast.
Okay, where are you?
Jonathan says, "Nuts..."
"Nuts like Grimsby
will never threaten
the world again."
And the curtain comes
down to thunderous applause.
Because the audience
is so glad the play is over.
Mmm, funny.
Betty?
- Betty?
- Yeah?
Where do you want these?
On the table.
Oh.
What about the sofa?
Um, over here.
I'll need some help.
He could be the dead spy.
We better get him up.
Where do you want the safe?
Alongside the desk.
Not over there.
Over here.
How's this car, Betty Jo?
That's fine.
Yeah, it belongs to my brother.
Your brother? He's 25.
I sneaked it out while
he wasn't looking.
Hi, kids.
- Hi, Mrs. Bradley.
- Hi, Mrs. Bradley. -Hi, Mom.
We want to rehearse, but
Uncle Joe won't wake up.
Uncle Joe? Uncle Joe!
Bobbie Jo, you ought to
know by now that's not the way.
Lunch.
I'll be there in a minute, Kate.
I knew you were
here all the time.
Well, stick around
for a while, Mom.
We're gonna run
through the new last act
where the handsome
young scientist
gets the secret formula
away from the spies' hideout
and makes his getaway in
this custom-built convertible.
Well, um, keep it under 50
until you get it out
of the lobby, huh?
Hold it! Now, Betty Jo, I don't
mind you rehearsing in here,
but you're gonna have
to leave the dogs outside.
But, Mom, these are the actors.
Oh. Y... Which one
is Rock Hudson?
You mean these dogs
are in the play with you?
Oh, we're not in it.
This is an all-dog cast.
What's the name of this
play, Abie's Irish Setter?
Yeah. Who-who's gonna
be the leading man?
Uh, dog. Uh, whatever.
Him.
He's the handsome
young scientist.
Ha! Him a scientist?
Well, he ain't got brains
enough to be a dog.
If you didn't have
them glasses on...
I'd like you to meet
the rest of the cast.
Oh.
This is the villain, Coldfinger.
He's the head of the
international spy syndicate.
- And that's the Man from A.U.N.T.I.E.
- A.U.N.T.I.E.?
Amalgamated Underground Network
for Trapping
International Enemies.
And this is Marlene.
She's the glamorous,
seductive spy.
Coldfinger sends her to lure
the handsome young scientist
- to his doom.
- Uh-huh. She's lovely.
But in my days, the, uh,
seductive, glamorous spies
had longer legs.
Oh, we'll take care
of that with makeup.
Now, give me the script, Billie.
Jeff and Hank,
come on over here.
- And the rest of you, move back.
- Oh. All right.
Okay, now we'll run through
the business in the spies' hideout.
Ready, leading man?
Now, this is the
door where you enter.
You turn on the light,
then you look around
to make sure
you're not observed.
You go to the telephone
and disconnect it.
Then you tiptoe to the safe...
open the door, take
out the secret formula,
close the door...
turn off the lights,
and leap in your custom-built
getaway car and drive off.
Curtain.
- Got it?
- Look at the dumb expression on his face.
I told you he didn't
have no brains.
I'll show you how to do it.
Watch this.
♪♪
Uncle Joe!
Don't prompt me.
I'll remember it.
♪♪
The big ham.
Well, he did
everything just perfect.
Perfect, my nothing.
The dumb dog ran to the safe.
- Betty Jo said to tiptoe.
- Oh!
Mom, there's someone to see you.
Mrs. Bradley, I'm
Arthur Bronson.
Uh, Bronson? I, uh...
I wrote you a letter last
week saying I'd drop in today.
Oh, a letter. Uncle Joe,
did I get a letter last week?
- From who?
- Mr. Bronson.
Never seen him
before in my life.
No, but I thought maybe
that you saw the letter.
Mrs. Bradley, I'm an attorney.
Watch it, Kate, that's
even worse than a lawyer.
There's nothing to worry about.
My business here
concerns the Kroger estate.
Kroger? That
cantankerous old skinflint?
Kate, you remember the time
he stayed here at
the hotel and he...
He remembered one of
this household in his will.
He was the salt of the earth.
- Who was?
- Uh, Mr. Cooper.
- Kroger.
- Kroger?
Well, the least you could
do is remember his name
after all the money he left me.
- How much did he leave me?
- Uncle Joe!
I think it was very
nice of Mr. Kroger,
but I can't think of any
reasons why he should...
I can think of plenty.
Who lugged his suitcase
- up to his room?
- I did.
Who went down to the
train and got Mr. Coogan's...
- Kroger.
- Yeah. Who went down to the train
and got Mr. Kroger's mail?
- I did.
- Yeah?
But who sneaked sandwiches
up to his room at night?
- I did.
- Well, who was always...
- I did.
- Keep on trying, Uncle Joe.
You'll come up with something.
Well, uh, just having me
around seeing that everybody
was taking care of him was a
comfort to the old gentleman.
Uh, you were
saying, Mr. Bronson?
Oh, yes.
Let me just read
from the document.
"To my niece Emily,
"I leave my house
on Walnut Lane.
- To my nephew Elroy..."
- Forget that remote kin,
- and get... get down to me.
- Joe!
All right, here we are.
"In fond remembrance
and appreciation
"of my many happy
visits to the Shady Rest,
I leave the sum of $200..."
- Two... -Hundred...
- Dollars?
Like I always said,
Mr. Kroger's one of the nicest,
most generous men that
ever stopped at the hotel.
"I leave the sum of $200
"to the member of
the Bradley household
who was the friendliest
and most lovable of all."
This is getting embarrassing.
"I refer to my
little four-footed,
tail-wagging friend,
the Shady Rest dog."
I was right about
the old skinflint.
I should've known a leopard
never changes his clothes.
- You're rich! Did you hear that?
- Congratulations.
Now that you're
an animal of means,
you're gonna need somebody
to handle your investments.
- Now, I, uh...
- May I continue?
Mr. Kroger placed the
dog's inheritance in trust,
and has appointed you,
Mrs. Bradley, as executrix.
Well, now. I'm an executrix.
- Into three, carry six...
- Like I was saying, Kate...
- Uncle Joe!
- But this is important.
All right, what is it?
An opportunity like this only
comes along once in a lifetime,
and...
We can talk better
in the other room.
I've got work to do.
Now, here's what I got in mind.
Now, here's the idea.
Uncle Joe, this is ridiculous!
Let me out of this cellar!
It can't miss, Kate.
You are not getting one
cent of the dog's $200.
- But, Kate...
- Uh-uh, I'm not Kate now.
I am the executrix.
It's a wonderful
story, Mr. Drucker.
Isn't that a good
picture of you?
Congratulations.
And like they say, don't
spend it all in one place...
Unless it's Sam
Drucker's General Store.
Now, that's real cute.
Put it back.
Put it back on the shelf.
By golly, I think he
wants you to have it.
I can't afford it.
Looks like he wants to buy
it for you out of his legacy.
Gee.
Thanks.
But you shouldn't have.
- Hi, Sam. Betty Jo.
- Hi, Kate. -BETTY JO: Hi.
The dog bought me
this out of his inheritance.
What? Now, let's
get this straight.
You can't just go around
spending your inheritance,
not without giving your
executrix a very good reason.
Isn't that a good reason?
He really does
want her to have it.
Well, put it on the
dog's special account.
- Oh, thanks, Mom!
- Well, don't thank me; thank...
Gee, now he wants
to buy you a gift, Mom.
Oh, it's-it's beautiful.
But... I couldn't.
- Go ahead.
- Huh?
I'll put it on his bill.
I could do with a lot
more customers like you.
You can't keep spending
your money like this,
or I'll have to put
you on an allowance.
Oh, he's just buying
presents for his friends.
Didn't buy me nothing.
Any questions?
Here's your supper, boy.
Well, eat it!
Betty Jo, your
chicken's getting cold.
Coming, Mom!
You girls go ahead.
Uncle Joe will be right in.
Okay, Mom.
- How's the play coming, Betty?
- Oh, just fine.
I'm having a little trouble
with the basset hound, though.
She wants her own
dressing room with a star on it.
Oh!
Ah, fried chicken...
There's nothing like...
Get off of there!
Your supper's in the kitchen.
Oh, he won't touch it, Mom.
He just sits there and
admires his picture in the paper.
He's gonna be
admiring his obituary
if he don't get off my chair.
Oh, you get down!
That's Uncle Joe's chair!
Bring back my chicken,
you gizzard snatcher!
He's never acted
like that before.
Next thing you know, he'll
be wanting breakfast in bed.
I think that money's
gone to his head.
He better not get used to it,
'cause he ain't
gonna have it long.
Break the will?
Yeah. I thought that you, uh...
I thought that you, being
a city lawyer, Mr. Douglas,
you might slip me
a few loopholes.
- Hold this, please, will you?
- Oh, yeah.
Thank you. There you are.
Uh, I've got to get
back down here.
- Uh, loopholes, you say?
- Yeah, like I said...
Yeah, go right
ahead, Mr. Carson.
- Yeah, well, wh-wh-what I wanted to ask...
- Yeah?
Will you, uh...
- Oh, Mr. Douglas...
- Oh, I beg your pardon.
That's all right.
You need a little help here.
No, I... I got it.
I'm fine, thank you.
Go... go on. What
were you saying?
Well... what do you think?
About what?
About the will.
Excuse me, I've got to get
back down for a minute here.
Should've gone to a lawyer
with offices on the ground floor.
With my own hands.
Oh, Mr. Carson,
now, about the will...
What will?
The will you were
telling me about up there.
- Can we talk about it down here?
- Yeah.
Now, if there's some way
you could break the will.
What does a dog
need all that money for?
Well, if we broke the will,
would you get the money?
I might if we could
prove old Kroger
was a "non mentis campus."
- Non mentis campus?
- Yeah, off his rocker.
Didn't they learn you none
of that legal law at Harvard?
Well, I think you'd
have difficulty proving
that Mr. Kroger was,
uh, "non mentis campus."
Maybe you could prove
the dog exerted undue
influence on old Kroger.
Now, how could he do that?
Probably told him a
bunch of lies about me.
The dog told lies?
Now you're getting the idea.
Uh, Mr. Carson, I, uh...
I don't think I'm qualified
to handle this case.
Took the words
right out of my mouth.
And another thing,
Mr. Douglas, if I was you,
I wouldn't let no daughter
of mine run around with him.
Oh, that's all right with me.
As long as he's got money.
Get out, you mutt.
Go on! Beat it!
What's that?
Hey, you're the dog that...
Your credit is good here, boy.
How about a nice T-bone, huh?
Hey, wait a minute.
Where do I send the bill?
"Shady Rest."
That'll be three pounds.
Pound and a half.
Okay, here we are
in the Orient Express
headed for Istanbul.
Marlene, you're in compartment
B searching for the secret formula
that the handsome
young scientist stole
back in the last scene.
Coldfinger, you're
in compartment C,
reedy to double-cross Marlene.
At this point, in comes our
handsome young scientist.
Joe... What's so funny?
We thought you were the dog.
Isn't he out there?
Probably down at the train
giving away autographs.
This is the third rehearsal
he's missed this week.
That's the way it goes.
Once an actor gets a little
money, he goes Hollywood.
Take my advice and get
yourself a new leading man.
That dog's about as
dependable as a lace parachute.
- He's always...
- Oh, there he is.
You naughty boy.
Missing rehearsals and
holding up the actors...
Well, where did you come from?
Oh, she's with you.
Well, you certainly
know how to pick 'em.
Glamorous, seductive.
Who's that?
Our new leading lady.
The dog discovered her.
Oh, I always knew he
had an eye for talent.
Isn't she just
perfect for the part?
Well, doesn't she look
like a scientist's assistant?
Definitely. The minute
I walked in the room,
I said to myself, "Now,
there's a scientist's assistant."
Isn't she adorable?
Can she act?
Oh, you never know, Uncle Joe.
She might turn out to
be another Kim Novak.
T-bone for you and
a porterhouse for you.
I'm flying in some Cornish
game hens next week.
Put you down for a dozen.
Hope that'll be enough.
I've only got one
thing to say to you.
You've been spending money
like you inherited Fort Knox.
Now, look: butcher
shop, Sam Drucker.
A haircut?!
I've got news for you,
playboy... You're broke.
♪♪
All right, everybody,
get to the other
side of the stage.
Wait a second.
How many times have I told you?
You're supposed to make
your entrance from this side.
All right, ready for
the dress rehearsal.
Stand by for your
entrance, Mignon.
Where's the moon, Uncle Joe?
This is supposed to be at
night in the spy's hideout.
Well, let's have the moon.
Uncle Joe, get the moon up.
We don't have much time.
- You're holding up dress rehearsal.
- Oh...
Well, let's run
through the final scene
so we can let the audience in.
Yeah, uh, one moon
coming right up.
Oh, that's the wrong
side, Uncle Joe.
Turn it around.
The trouble's with this stick.
I can't get a good grip on it.
Why don't you pretend
it's a turkey leg?
That's fine.
Now we hear the
voices of the spy gang
as they search their
hideout for Mignon.
All right, spy gang.
That's fine.
All right, Mignon, come
out into the courtyard.
Now, remember, you're trapped.
There are walls all around you.
There's no way to escape.
That's the cue for the
handsome young scientist
to save his beautiful assistant.
Come on. Lower the rope
and the basket from
the top of the wall.
Well, come on, there.
Come on, handsome
young scientist. You're on.
Maybe he's one of
them Method actors.
Looks more like
a Method sleeper.
Come on. This is
your big chance.
Just like in the movies,
understudy goes on for star.
Next day, he's
toast of Broadway.
What's the matter?
Don't you want to be
the toast of Broadway?
I'll help you, Mom.
- We've got to get him up that ladder.
- I know.
Why don't your cooperate?!
Betty Joe!
I'm sorry.
It's not your fault that
our dog didn't show up.
You know what? You
better call off the show
and give the audience
back their money.
There goes the
playground equipment.
I can't believe that
our dog would leave us.
I wish Mr. Kroger had
never left him that $200.
I knew he was a phony the
first day I laid eyes on him.
You've come back!
Oh, Betty Jo, that's wonderful.
Let's hurry up. We've still
got time to put the show on.
All right, moon
man, rise and shine.
To the rescue, boy.
That's it. Come on, boy.
Come on! Pull it up.
Good.
Oh, you were all just wonderful.
And we collected
more than enough
to get the playground equipment.
Where's your Uncle Joe?
I don't know, Ma.
He's probably sulking somewhere
because these dogs are
getting all the attention.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
Quiet!
Gee, Lillian, all I did
was walk home with her.
That's all, Lillian.
- Well, I don't know what to say.
- I do.
Good-bye, Lillian.
Look, we're never
gonna get anywhere
if you all talk at once.
Now, if you've got a
suggestion, raise your hand.
- Mr. Drucker?
- I suggest you all leave.
Oh. Any other suggestions?
How about
Geraldine for the part?
She's a good actress.
Yeah, but she weighs 180 pounds.
How's the hero gonna
lift her over the wall?
Maybe she could lift him.
Hey, Herbert!
That'll be seven cents.
Seven cents? What for?
For 21 grapes.
But I only ate six.
What about those 15 dropouts?
Betty Jo, I wish you'd hold
your meeting somewheres else.
But, Mr. Drucker,
we're doing you a favor
bringing you all this trade.
"Trade" means
people buying stuff.
This is more like a
shoplifters convention!
Don't worry, just keep
track of what's missing,
and we'll pay you at
the end of the meeting.
This is the end of the
meeting. Now, scoot, all of you.
But, Lillian, you've
got to believe me,
all I did was walk
home with her.
That's all he did,
Lillian. Good-bye.
Now, skedaddle.
But we haven't
cast the play yet.
And if we don't, we
won't raise enough money
for the new playground
equipment for the kids.
What's the sense of buying
the kids playground equipment?
They'll still come in here and
swing on the coffee grinder.
We'll only be a
few minutes more.
That's what you said
yesterday afternoon.
If your play runs as
long as your meetings,
you got a smash hit.
Give me that.
Haven't I had enough
trouble with all these kids
without having to
keep an eye on you?
And he ain't even
gonna be in the play.
Well, of course
he's not gonna...
Hey, kids, I think Mr. Drucker
just solved our problem.
I did? W-Well, how about solving
mine and clearing out of here?
Jonathan says,
"Nuts like Grimsby
will never threaten
the world again."
Not so fast.
What's the use of going
to secretarial school
if you can't keep up?
I can type 100 words a minute,
as long as you don't
say them too fast.
Okay, where are you?
Jonathan says, "Nuts..."
"Nuts like Grimsby
will never threaten
the world again."
And the curtain comes
down to thunderous applause.
Because the audience
is so glad the play is over.
Mmm, funny.
Betty?
- Betty?
- Yeah?
Where do you want these?
On the table.
Oh.
What about the sofa?
Um, over here.
I'll need some help.
He could be the dead spy.
We better get him up.
Where do you want the safe?
Alongside the desk.
Not over there.
Over here.
How's this car, Betty Jo?
That's fine.
Yeah, it belongs to my brother.
Your brother? He's 25.
I sneaked it out while
he wasn't looking.
Hi, kids.
- Hi, Mrs. Bradley.
- Hi, Mrs. Bradley. -Hi, Mom.
We want to rehearse, but
Uncle Joe won't wake up.
Uncle Joe? Uncle Joe!
Bobbie Jo, you ought to
know by now that's not the way.
Lunch.
I'll be there in a minute, Kate.
I knew you were
here all the time.
Well, stick around
for a while, Mom.
We're gonna run
through the new last act
where the handsome
young scientist
gets the secret formula
away from the spies' hideout
and makes his getaway in
this custom-built convertible.
Well, um, keep it under 50
until you get it out
of the lobby, huh?
Hold it! Now, Betty Jo, I don't
mind you rehearsing in here,
but you're gonna have
to leave the dogs outside.
But, Mom, these are the actors.
Oh. Y... Which one
is Rock Hudson?
You mean these dogs
are in the play with you?
Oh, we're not in it.
This is an all-dog cast.
What's the name of this
play, Abie's Irish Setter?
Yeah. Who-who's gonna
be the leading man?
Uh, dog. Uh, whatever.
Him.
He's the handsome
young scientist.
Ha! Him a scientist?
Well, he ain't got brains
enough to be a dog.
If you didn't have
them glasses on...
I'd like you to meet
the rest of the cast.
Oh.
This is the villain, Coldfinger.
He's the head of the
international spy syndicate.
- And that's the Man from A.U.N.T.I.E.
- A.U.N.T.I.E.?
Amalgamated Underground Network
for Trapping
International Enemies.
And this is Marlene.
She's the glamorous,
seductive spy.
Coldfinger sends her to lure
the handsome young scientist
- to his doom.
- Uh-huh. She's lovely.
But in my days, the, uh,
seductive, glamorous spies
had longer legs.
Oh, we'll take care
of that with makeup.
Now, give me the script, Billie.
Jeff and Hank,
come on over here.
- And the rest of you, move back.
- Oh. All right.
Okay, now we'll run through
the business in the spies' hideout.
Ready, leading man?
Now, this is the
door where you enter.
You turn on the light,
then you look around
to make sure
you're not observed.
You go to the telephone
and disconnect it.
Then you tiptoe to the safe...
open the door, take
out the secret formula,
close the door...
turn off the lights,
and leap in your custom-built
getaway car and drive off.
Curtain.
- Got it?
- Look at the dumb expression on his face.
I told you he didn't
have no brains.
I'll show you how to do it.
Watch this.
♪♪
Uncle Joe!
Don't prompt me.
I'll remember it.
♪♪
The big ham.
Well, he did
everything just perfect.
Perfect, my nothing.
The dumb dog ran to the safe.
- Betty Jo said to tiptoe.
- Oh!
Mom, there's someone to see you.
Mrs. Bradley, I'm
Arthur Bronson.
Uh, Bronson? I, uh...
I wrote you a letter last
week saying I'd drop in today.
Oh, a letter. Uncle Joe,
did I get a letter last week?
- From who?
- Mr. Bronson.
Never seen him
before in my life.
No, but I thought maybe
that you saw the letter.
Mrs. Bradley, I'm an attorney.
Watch it, Kate, that's
even worse than a lawyer.
There's nothing to worry about.
My business here
concerns the Kroger estate.
Kroger? That
cantankerous old skinflint?
Kate, you remember the time
he stayed here at
the hotel and he...
He remembered one of
this household in his will.
He was the salt of the earth.
- Who was?
- Uh, Mr. Cooper.
- Kroger.
- Kroger?
Well, the least you could
do is remember his name
after all the money he left me.
- How much did he leave me?
- Uncle Joe!
I think it was very
nice of Mr. Kroger,
but I can't think of any
reasons why he should...
I can think of plenty.
Who lugged his suitcase
- up to his room?
- I did.
Who went down to the
train and got Mr. Coogan's...
- Kroger.
- Yeah. Who went down to the train
and got Mr. Kroger's mail?
- I did.
- Yeah?
But who sneaked sandwiches
up to his room at night?
- I did.
- Well, who was always...
- I did.
- Keep on trying, Uncle Joe.
You'll come up with something.
Well, uh, just having me
around seeing that everybody
was taking care of him was a
comfort to the old gentleman.
Uh, you were
saying, Mr. Bronson?
Oh, yes.
Let me just read
from the document.
"To my niece Emily,
"I leave my house
on Walnut Lane.
- To my nephew Elroy..."
- Forget that remote kin,
- and get... get down to me.
- Joe!
All right, here we are.
"In fond remembrance
and appreciation
"of my many happy
visits to the Shady Rest,
I leave the sum of $200..."
- Two... -Hundred...
- Dollars?
Like I always said,
Mr. Kroger's one of the nicest,
most generous men that
ever stopped at the hotel.
"I leave the sum of $200
"to the member of
the Bradley household
who was the friendliest
and most lovable of all."
This is getting embarrassing.
"I refer to my
little four-footed,
tail-wagging friend,
the Shady Rest dog."
I was right about
the old skinflint.
I should've known a leopard
never changes his clothes.
- You're rich! Did you hear that?
- Congratulations.
Now that you're
an animal of means,
you're gonna need somebody
to handle your investments.
- Now, I, uh...
- May I continue?
Mr. Kroger placed the
dog's inheritance in trust,
and has appointed you,
Mrs. Bradley, as executrix.
Well, now. I'm an executrix.
- Into three, carry six...
- Like I was saying, Kate...
- Uncle Joe!
- But this is important.
All right, what is it?
An opportunity like this only
comes along once in a lifetime,
and...
We can talk better
in the other room.
I've got work to do.
Now, here's what I got in mind.
Now, here's the idea.
Uncle Joe, this is ridiculous!
Let me out of this cellar!
It can't miss, Kate.
You are not getting one
cent of the dog's $200.
- But, Kate...
- Uh-uh, I'm not Kate now.
I am the executrix.
It's a wonderful
story, Mr. Drucker.
Isn't that a good
picture of you?
Congratulations.
And like they say, don't
spend it all in one place...
Unless it's Sam
Drucker's General Store.
Now, that's real cute.
Put it back.
Put it back on the shelf.
By golly, I think he
wants you to have it.
I can't afford it.
Looks like he wants to buy
it for you out of his legacy.
Gee.
Thanks.
But you shouldn't have.
- Hi, Sam. Betty Jo.
- Hi, Kate. -BETTY JO: Hi.
The dog bought me
this out of his inheritance.
What? Now, let's
get this straight.
You can't just go around
spending your inheritance,
not without giving your
executrix a very good reason.
Isn't that a good reason?
He really does
want her to have it.
Well, put it on the
dog's special account.
- Oh, thanks, Mom!
- Well, don't thank me; thank...
Gee, now he wants
to buy you a gift, Mom.
Oh, it's-it's beautiful.
But... I couldn't.
- Go ahead.
- Huh?
I'll put it on his bill.
I could do with a lot
more customers like you.
You can't keep spending
your money like this,
or I'll have to put
you on an allowance.
Oh, he's just buying
presents for his friends.
Didn't buy me nothing.
Any questions?
Here's your supper, boy.
Well, eat it!
Betty Jo, your
chicken's getting cold.
Coming, Mom!
You girls go ahead.
Uncle Joe will be right in.
Okay, Mom.
- How's the play coming, Betty?
- Oh, just fine.
I'm having a little trouble
with the basset hound, though.
She wants her own
dressing room with a star on it.
Oh!
Ah, fried chicken...
There's nothing like...
Get off of there!
Your supper's in the kitchen.
Oh, he won't touch it, Mom.
He just sits there and
admires his picture in the paper.
He's gonna be
admiring his obituary
if he don't get off my chair.
Oh, you get down!
That's Uncle Joe's chair!
Bring back my chicken,
you gizzard snatcher!
He's never acted
like that before.
Next thing you know, he'll
be wanting breakfast in bed.
I think that money's
gone to his head.
He better not get used to it,
'cause he ain't
gonna have it long.
Break the will?
Yeah. I thought that you, uh...
I thought that you, being
a city lawyer, Mr. Douglas,
you might slip me
a few loopholes.
- Hold this, please, will you?
- Oh, yeah.
Thank you. There you are.
Uh, I've got to get
back down here.
- Uh, loopholes, you say?
- Yeah, like I said...
Yeah, go right
ahead, Mr. Carson.
- Yeah, well, wh-wh-what I wanted to ask...
- Yeah?
Will you, uh...
- Oh, Mr. Douglas...
- Oh, I beg your pardon.
That's all right.
You need a little help here.
No, I... I got it.
I'm fine, thank you.
Go... go on. What
were you saying?
Well... what do you think?
About what?
About the will.
Excuse me, I've got to get
back down for a minute here.
Should've gone to a lawyer
with offices on the ground floor.
With my own hands.
Oh, Mr. Carson,
now, about the will...
What will?
The will you were
telling me about up there.
- Can we talk about it down here?
- Yeah.
Now, if there's some way
you could break the will.
What does a dog
need all that money for?
Well, if we broke the will,
would you get the money?
I might if we could
prove old Kroger
was a "non mentis campus."
- Non mentis campus?
- Yeah, off his rocker.
Didn't they learn you none
of that legal law at Harvard?
Well, I think you'd
have difficulty proving
that Mr. Kroger was,
uh, "non mentis campus."
Maybe you could prove
the dog exerted undue
influence on old Kroger.
Now, how could he do that?
Probably told him a
bunch of lies about me.
The dog told lies?
Now you're getting the idea.
Uh, Mr. Carson, I, uh...
I don't think I'm qualified
to handle this case.
Took the words
right out of my mouth.
And another thing,
Mr. Douglas, if I was you,
I wouldn't let no daughter
of mine run around with him.
Oh, that's all right with me.
As long as he's got money.
Get out, you mutt.
Go on! Beat it!
What's that?
Hey, you're the dog that...
Your credit is good here, boy.
How about a nice T-bone, huh?
Hey, wait a minute.
Where do I send the bill?
"Shady Rest."
That'll be three pounds.
Pound and a half.
Okay, here we are
in the Orient Express
headed for Istanbul.
Marlene, you're in compartment
B searching for the secret formula
that the handsome
young scientist stole
back in the last scene.
Coldfinger, you're
in compartment C,
reedy to double-cross Marlene.
At this point, in comes our
handsome young scientist.
Joe... What's so funny?
We thought you were the dog.
Isn't he out there?
Probably down at the train
giving away autographs.
This is the third rehearsal
he's missed this week.
That's the way it goes.
Once an actor gets a little
money, he goes Hollywood.
Take my advice and get
yourself a new leading man.
That dog's about as
dependable as a lace parachute.
- He's always...
- Oh, there he is.
You naughty boy.
Missing rehearsals and
holding up the actors...
Well, where did you come from?
Oh, she's with you.
Well, you certainly
know how to pick 'em.
Glamorous, seductive.
Who's that?
Our new leading lady.
The dog discovered her.
Oh, I always knew he
had an eye for talent.
Isn't she just
perfect for the part?
Well, doesn't she look
like a scientist's assistant?
Definitely. The minute
I walked in the room,
I said to myself, "Now,
there's a scientist's assistant."
Isn't she adorable?
Can she act?
Oh, you never know, Uncle Joe.
She might turn out to
be another Kim Novak.
T-bone for you and
a porterhouse for you.
I'm flying in some Cornish
game hens next week.
Put you down for a dozen.
Hope that'll be enough.
I've only got one
thing to say to you.
You've been spending money
like you inherited Fort Knox.
Now, look: butcher
shop, Sam Drucker.
A haircut?!
I've got news for you,
playboy... You're broke.
♪♪
All right, everybody,
get to the other
side of the stage.
Wait a second.
How many times have I told you?
You're supposed to make
your entrance from this side.
All right, ready for
the dress rehearsal.
Stand by for your
entrance, Mignon.
Where's the moon, Uncle Joe?
This is supposed to be at
night in the spy's hideout.
Well, let's have the moon.
Uncle Joe, get the moon up.
We don't have much time.
- You're holding up dress rehearsal.
- Oh...
Well, let's run
through the final scene
so we can let the audience in.
Yeah, uh, one moon
coming right up.
Oh, that's the wrong
side, Uncle Joe.
Turn it around.
The trouble's with this stick.
I can't get a good grip on it.
Why don't you pretend
it's a turkey leg?
That's fine.
Now we hear the
voices of the spy gang
as they search their
hideout for Mignon.
All right, spy gang.
That's fine.
All right, Mignon, come
out into the courtyard.
Now, remember, you're trapped.
There are walls all around you.
There's no way to escape.
That's the cue for the
handsome young scientist
to save his beautiful assistant.
Come on. Lower the rope
and the basket from
the top of the wall.
Well, come on, there.
Come on, handsome
young scientist. You're on.
Maybe he's one of
them Method actors.
Looks more like
a Method sleeper.
Come on. This is
your big chance.
Just like in the movies,
understudy goes on for star.
Next day, he's
toast of Broadway.
What's the matter?
Don't you want to be
the toast of Broadway?
I'll help you, Mom.
- We've got to get him up that ladder.
- I know.
Why don't your cooperate?!
Betty Joe!
I'm sorry.
It's not your fault that
our dog didn't show up.
You know what? You
better call off the show
and give the audience
back their money.
There goes the
playground equipment.
I can't believe that
our dog would leave us.
I wish Mr. Kroger had
never left him that $200.
I knew he was a phony the
first day I laid eyes on him.
You've come back!
Oh, Betty Jo, that's wonderful.
Let's hurry up. We've still
got time to put the show on.
All right, moon
man, rise and shine.
To the rescue, boy.
That's it. Come on, boy.
Come on! Pull it up.
Good.
Oh, you were all just wonderful.
And we collected
more than enough
to get the playground equipment.
Where's your Uncle Joe?
I don't know, Ma.
He's probably sulking somewhere
because these dogs are
getting all the attention.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.