Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 3, Episode 2 - The Baffling Raffle - full transcript

The very cosmopolitan looking and acting couple, Oliver Wendell Douglas and Lisa Douglas, are staying overnight at the hotel before they move into their newly purchased farmhouse, the run down Haney place. When Uncle Joe learns that Mr. Douglas is a lawyer, Joe hopes to get some free legal advice about how to get out of jury duty. Despite Mr. Douglas stating that he would never give advice on how to get out of what he considers the privilege of serving on a jury, he does unwittingly give Joe an idea. The only thing Joe has to do is find someone else willing to take his place, and he knows the person: Kate. While Kate is away in Pixley serving on the jury, Joe learns that he won the raffle, the prize being a television set which he has to claim by noon tomorrow. Two problems arise. The first is that he can't remember where he put his raffle ticket. When he does remember where he hid the ticket, the second problem becomes how to retrieve it from the suitcase that Kate took with her to Pixley. Joe either has to hope that it is a short trial or that he can get a message to Kate while the jury is sequestered.

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪



♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

Mom! Mom!

- Where's Mom?
- In the kitchen.

Mom!

- Ooh!
- Mom!

- Oh, there you are, Mom.
- Oh, you finally recognized me.

- Mom, you should see...
- What's all the excitement?

- Well, you should see who's coming.
- Who? Who, who?

Well, I was down
by the tracks, and...

and-and then the train
came in and, well...

Oh, that's them.



Hi.

Hello.

How do you do?

Your mouths are open.

- Isn't this a great little place?
- Yes.

Uh... I'm Oliver
Wendell Douglas,

- and this is my wife, Lisa.
- Hello.

I'm pleased to know
you. Uh, I'm Kate Bradley,

and these are my three
daughters, Billie Jo, Betty Jo

and Bobbie Jo.

Well, you're so young to
have such old daughters.

Thanks.

Ooh, darling.

Y-Your dog doesn't like perfume?

Perfume?

Oh, w-would you
like to register?

What am I saying?

You don't have to register.

Billie Jo, go get number one.

It's one of our better rooms.

We're only gonna stay overnight.

We just bought a
farm here in the valley.

Oh.

The Haney place.

The Haney place?

Why is it every time we
mention the Haney place,

everybody says,
"The Haney place?"

I guess it's just because
everybody thinks we're so lucky.

We're gonna live there.

The Haney place?

Well, that's fine. Fine.

W-We're gonna love
having you for neighbors.

Did-did you have any luggage?

Do they? About 40 bags.

Well, Oliver wanted
me to travel light.

Well, I'll have Uncle
Joe pick 'em up

- as soon as he gets back from Hooterville.
- Oh, thank you.

There you are. It's right
top of the stairs, turn right.

- Yes, thank you. Thank you.
- Come on, darling...

Shh!

Morning, Sam.

Was till you walked in.

That's a fine way
to talk to a customer.

You ain't a customer
till you buy something,

and the last thing you
bought was a five-cent cigar

three months ago.

I'm trying to cut down.

Smoking or spending?

They made a picture
a few years ago...

Good Neighbor Sam...
And it wasn't about you.

Can I have my mail?

Hold it!

The only one who can touch
the mail is the postmaster.

Get out of here!

Now... may I help you?

My mail.

Oh. Just a second.

- Sign here.
- What for?

When the court clerk
shows up trying to find out

why you didn't
report for jury duty,

I don't want you saying
you never got the letter.

How did you know
it was a jury notice?

It's from Pixley Superior Court,
and you ain't runnin' for judge.

Jury duty.

I ain't got time to
waste on jury duty.

Yeah, you got a
million other things

you can waste your time on.

Sittin' around for days trying
to prove some guy's a crook.

Maybe they figure it
takes one to know one.

They got a lot of
nerve trying to pull this

on a citizen and a taxpayer.

Citizen maybe, but a taxpayer?

Who you kidding?

- I ain't gonna do it.
- Well, in that case,

you better fill out a
change of address form.

Huh?

Uh, just put down "County Jail."

Mom, did you see that suit
Mrs. Douglas is wearing?

And what about that jewelry?

Boy, did that dog smell good.

I wonder where
she got that suit.

We ought to ask her
what catalog she uses.

Oh, I don't think that
suit came from a catalog.

- Hey, what convention's staying here?
- Convention?

Yeah, all them bags
down at the tracks.

Oh! They belong to
Mr. and Mrs. Douglas.

They bought the Haney place.

The Haney place?

Uncle Joe, would you mind going
down and picking up the bags?

Yeah, I'll be glad
to. Oh, oh, oh!

I just come down with lumbago.

How come this always happens
when there's work to be done?

Does it? I never noticed.

Let him carry his own bags.

Any man with a weak enough
brain to buy the Haney place

ought to have a strong back.

Mr. Douglas is a very smart man.

He's a big city lawyer.

I don't care if he... A lawyer?

- Mrs. Bradley.
- Mr. Douglas, are you comfortable?

- Oh, very. Charming room.
- Thank you. I...

Mr. Douglas, I'm Joe
Carson, Kate's uncle.

Nice to meet you. Uh, I was
wondering if there was someone

who could help me
with my luggage.

Oh, I'll be glad to help you.

What was that you were
saying about lumbago?

Oh, well, you take a hot bath,
and I think it'll go away, Kate.

Uh, woman suffers
somethin' awful.

Let me give you a little
advice, Mr. Douglas.

If you're gonna
live around here,

I wouldn't go around telling
folks that I was a lawyer.

Why not?

Well, the minute they
find out you're a lawyer,

they're gonna come a-runnin'
asking for free legal advice,

like how to get
out of jury duty,

just to mention a few things.

You being new around here

and wanting to get in
good with everybody,

you probably would tell 'em
how to get out of jury duty

without charging 'em.

Ain't got no right to
take advantage of you,

have you tell 'em how
to get out of jury duty

without paying for it.

If anybody should happen
to come up and ask me

how to get out of jury
duty, I'm not gonna tell 'em.

You wouldn't?

I believe it's every
citizen's duty to serve,

because the jury system
is a priceless heritage

from English common law.

It's not a duty;
it's a privilege.

That's another thing.
They'll be asking you

how to get out
of jury privilege.

The only reason a man
should try to get out of jury duty

is if it, uh... if it works
a hardship on him,

you know, a loss of revenue.

Loss of revenue?

Oh, say,

would you mind telling Kate
I took the handcar to Pixley

on important business?

What about the
rest of these bags?

Oh. I don't think you can
carry 'em all in one trip.

So I told 'em down at the
Pixley Courthouse I'd suffer

a loss of revenue if I
had to serve on the jury.

Oh, I'm sure they
would've let you out

to go to the
unemployment office.

I ain't got time for jury duty.

I'm too busy running the hotel,

cleaning up the place,

doing all the chores,

the heavy work only a
man can take care of.

I can't get away.

Got too much to do.

Why not? You've been
getting away with it for years.

And now you're even
getting away with jury duty.

You don't understand, Kate.

That's what they call
exterminatin' circumstances.

Mr. Frobisher,
my civics teacher,

says that anyone should
be happy to serve on a jury.

Well, tell him to go to the
Pixley County Courthouse

and enjoy himself...
They have an opening.

You should be ashamed of
yourself, shirking your duty.

Ain't a duty; it's a privilege.

Just like the right to vote.

Since I've already voted,

I figure I shouldn't be
hogging more privileges.

Uncle Joe, according
to our county law,

if you don't serve on the jury,

you have to get someone
else to take your place.

Yeah, they told me that
over at the courthouse.

A person should be
proud to serve on a jury.

I figured you'd be
thinking that way, Kate.

What's that?

Be at the Pixley Courthouse
at 9:00 in the morning.

Now, before you leave, I'll
give you a little jurisprudence.

When you get in that jury box,

don't listen to the
lawyers or the judge.

Keep your eye on the prisoner.

If you see him squirming,
you'll know he's guilty.

Mm-hmm. Just like you did

when you handed
me the, uh, jury notice.

Now, girls, while I'm gone,

Betty Jo, you take care of
the lobby and the front porch;

Bobbie Jo, you take care of
the kitchen and the dining room;

and, Billie Jo, you take care

of the upstairs hall
and the bedrooms;

and, Uncle Joe, you
take care of the front desk.

That mean I'm in charge
of the petty cash box?

Right. And I have the key.

- Now, is everything all clear?
- Mm-hmm.

Kate, will you stop worrying?

I'm not worrying.

After all, I'll be here.

I'm worrying.

You catching cold...
Oh, how sweet.

- Have a nice trip, Mom.
- Oh, thank you.

- We'll miss you.
- Thank you.

- And don't worry.
- Bless your hearts.

You shouldn't have.

Well... good-bye, girls.

Bye, Mom. -Good-bye.

Take care of
yourselves, you hear?

Be good girls, now.
Bye, Uncle Joe.

- And remember, now, no tears.
- Yes, Mama. -Okay.

Bye.

- Good-bye.
- Bye, Mom!

We interrupt our musical program

for an important announcement.

The lucky ticket holder is Joe
Carson of the Shady Rest Hotel.

Bobbie!

Billie! Come here, quick!

Uncle Joe, wake up!

All right, Kate. I'll cut
the wood in a minute.

Get up!

Shady Rest. It's
Shady all right,

but a fella sure can't
get any rest around here.

- Hey, what's happening?
- What's going on?

Uncle Joe, you
just won the raffle!

- I did?
- A television set!

I did?

They announced your name
over the radio from Pixley.

- Oh, boy, a TV set!
- Wow-ee!

Now maybe you'll
all quit complaining

about me not doing
any work around here.

While you've been
piddling around

with the household chores,
I've been out getting us a TV set.

Guess I better start
putting the aerial up.

They'll probably send the
set out sometime today.

Oh, they won't be
sending it over, Uncle Joe.

They said for you to go over
and present your ticket in person

- by noon tomorrow.
- Gee, Uncle Joe,

do you think there's any
chance it might be a color set?

Well, if it ain't,
we can paint it.

Doggone ticket!

What's wrong, Uncle Joe?

I can't find the raffle ticket.

Well, where'd you put it?

If I knew where I put it,

I wouldn't be looking every
place where I didn't put it.

Well, maybe we can find it.

I give up.

Me, too.

Come on, you!

If you want to watch Lassie,
you better keep looking!

Uncle Joe, let's go back
to the very beginning,

when you bought the ticket,

and try to remember if
anything unusual happened.

Let's see. In the first place,

I sneaked the money
out of the petty cash.

Nothing unusual so far.

I put in an I.O.U.

Then what happened?

Then I bought the raffle
ticket, and I hid it in a suitcase.

What suitcase?

The one your
mother took to Pixley.

Pixley! I got to go all the
way to Pixley to get that ticket.

You've got until
tomorrow, Uncle Joe.

And Mom may be back tonight.

Yeah, you girls better
start fixing this place up

before she gets here.

Well, aren't you gonna help us?

Look, I remembered
where the ticket was.

The least you girls can do

is remember where
this stuff belongs.

Hello, Joe. What do you know?

Where's Kate? Why is she
taking so long to get off the train?

It always takes longer for
someone to get off of a train

when they ain't on it.

What do you mean?

Kate won't be home tonight.

Ain't the trial over?

The trial's over,

but now the jury's got
to start deliberating.

They got the jury locked up.

I always thought they
locked up the prisoner.

How long she gonna be locked up?

Could be a day, could be a week.

A week?! Take me to Pixley.

"Guilty."

"Not guilty."

"Three bunches of
carrots, four grapefruit,

and pick up Jake's
pants at the cleaners"?

Oh!

"Guilty."

Well, that brings the score...

Uh, I-I mean, the
count, up to seven guilty,

four not guilty, and
one, "I ain't sayin'."

Well, we're gonna have to
start all over reviewing the case.

Oh, Kate, I-I can't
stay here all night.

My cows are gonna need milking.

I thought you got one of those
new electric milking machines.

Well, I do, I do, but the cows
don't know how to turn it on.

Kate, I still don't
think he's guilty.

Why, that robbery took place
at Fifth and Main at 10:00.

And he's got two
people who swear

that he was home at that time.

Yeah, his mother and his father.

His mother and father
are honest people.

Well, if they're so honest,

how come they got
a criminal for a son?

Well, come on, now,
let's all start all over again.

Got to review the case,
we got to vote some more,

and we got to come
out even this time.

Hi, Henry.

Oh, hi, Joe. Hi-ya, buddy.

How's things going in there?

You ever try to get 12
people to agree on anything?

And four of 'em women?

What are you doing
at the courthouse?

I got to talk to Kate.

It's a matter of life and death.

You can't talk to Kate
until they reach a verdict.

You can get five years
for tampering with a jury.

But this ain't about the case.

Sorry. You can't talk to a
juror while she's locked up.

Can't you let her out on bail,

or, uh, or-or take
a message to her?

No messages either.

Now beat it.

I don't understand it.

Guy puts on a
policeman's uniform,

right away, he starts
acting like a cop.

"Guilty."

That makes ten
guilty, two not guilty.

So we'll just have to
review the facts again.

If you will remember, and, um,

of course, you were
all there at the time,

according to the
district attorney,

there was no question

that the evidence
is overwhelming

in favor of conviction.

What I don't understand is why
there weren't any fingerprints.

Well, there's got to be
a logical answer to that.

Maybe there weren't
any fingerprints...

because, uh, he
was wearing gloves.

I don't care whether
he's innocent or guilty.

All I know is, I'm starving.

The bailiff is sending
out for hamburgers.

Well, if we're gonna be
locked up together much longer,

you better tell him
to hold the onions.

You still hanging
around the courthouse?

Yeah. Thinking of taking up law.

You're not supposed to loiter.

I got a right to be
in the courthouse.

I pay taxes.

The taxes you pay entitles you

to about 30 seconds.

Hey, Henry, you
remember all the fun

we used to have bowling
on Monday nights?

- You were the best bowler...
- No loitering.

Come to think about it,

you weren't such a
hot bowler after all.

Hi, Henry. How's
it going in there?

The way it's going is that

they're liable to be locked
up for a couple of weeks.

Well, it figures.

They can't even get
together on the order.

One wants relish,
hold the pickle.

One wants pickle,

hold the relish, a few
onions on the side.

One wants rare,
and one wants well.

And the chef wants a break.

You better take
this grub in, Henry.

Yeah, just let me...

I'll pick it up in
about an hour.

- Okay, Pete. Thanks.
- Right.

Well, we finished eight ballots,

and it's still one
against 11 for guilty.

Well, don't look at me.

We could reach a
decision in two minutes

if you all weren't so
dad-burned stubborn!

Okay, okay.

Everybody's entitled
to their own opinion.

I just hope that you
know what you're doing.

I didn't order relish.

Mine's the one with the relish.

Myrtle?

How's your hamburger?

Delicious.

Mine isn't.

Tastes like they
grilled the meat

while it was still in the bag.

Well, looks like

you and me ain't gonna be
watching television after all.

What kind of a law is it

that says an honest person
can't tamper with a jury?

Hey, you're not a person.

Nothing says you can't tamper.

Hey, you play your cards right,

and you'll be watching
Lassie after all.

Come on.

I think my suspenders
will hold you.

Now, let's go over
your instructions again.

You're supposed to see that
Kate gets this note and nobody else.

You understand?

Good.

Now, you do a good
job, you'll have it made.

You won't have to spend
night after night chasing skunks.

You can sit in front of the
television like a gentleman

and watch them dog
food commercials.

Now here's the note.

Eight guilty, nine guilty,
ten guilty, 11 guilty.

12... innocent!

Oh, Ed, why don't you give in?

Me? Well, now, why
don't you all give in?

Kate?

Yes, Myrtle?

What's a dog doing
in the fireplace?

Now, Myrtle, we're
all getting a little tired,

but you're starting
to see things.

I'm seeing a dog.

Kate, is that your dog?

Where did you come from?

Now, come on, get out of there.

Whoa!

Uncle Joe!

Well, who did you
expect, Santa Claus?

When they yanked on the rope,
I fell down the chimney so fast,

I felt like a paratrooper that
left his chute in the plane.

I didn't mind the fall so
much; it was the sudden stop.

Oh.

And then what
happened, Uncle Joe?

Well, they threw me out

before I had a chance to
ask Kate where the ticket was.

Well, pretty soon, they'll
be calling my name,

and I won't be there.

Tonight, some guy
I don't even know

will be watching
my television set.

Well, maybe you'll win another
raffle someday, Uncle Joe.

Not likely.

As the weather bureau says,

"You don't get hit twice by
the same hunk of lightning."

Guess what? I just
heard on the radio

that the trial's over and
the jury's been released.

If Kate comes right back, I
can get the ticket from her,

hop on the train and be in
there and claim my TV set.

Suppose she doesn't
come right back.

I'll jump off that
bridge when I get to it.

- Oh, hi, Joe. I sure missed you.
- Hi, Mom.

- Thank you.
- Oh, it's so good to see you.

Uncle Joe, what are you doing?

I've got it! I've got it!

Floyd, tell Charley
to get up steam.

I've got to get back right away.

Get back where? Would somebody
please tell me what's going on?

I won a raffle. I have to
be there by 12:00 to claim it.

Oh, what'd you win?

A television set.

I wouldn't rush if I were you.

What are you talking about?

Well, you know
that jury I was on?

We convicted a man of burglary.

Well, so what?

Charley, get this
thing to moving!

You know what he stole?

I ain't interested.

He stole a television set.

Kate, I... Television set?

Now you getting interested?

Uh-huh.

He sold a lot of raffle tickets
on a set that he didn't have.

And then he thought
that was dishonest,

so he went out
and he stole a set.

Ah-ah-ah.

Uncle Joe, that
ticket's still valuable.

You see, Mr. Frisbie
at the appliance store

is gonna put the
set in his window,

and all the people
that bought tickets

can stand outside and watch.

Come on, girls.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

This has been a
Filmways presentation.