Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 3, Episode 14 - What's a Trajectory? - full transcript

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

(train whistle blows)

Hi, Kate.

We're back again.

Not a soul on the coach, huh?

Just me.



And I pert near didn't make it.

Don't blame me.

How many times have I told you

not to sit near an open
window when we're going

around Dead Man's Curve?

I only fell out twice this week.

Fellas, do you realize that
it's been nearly a month

since we've had a single guest?

Golly, I don't remember
it ever being this bad.

No, we usually get a few
salesmen around this time.

I was hoping to do some
business so I could afford

to go into bankruptcy.

Oh, Kate, don't worry.

Your luck will change.

Yeah, it's always the darkest

before you lead
a horse to water.

Thank you.

I guess.

And remember...

every cloud has
a stiff upper lip.

Thank you.

And...

I must say, the service is
pretty prompt around here.

Well, you-you startled me.

I haven't heard that
bell ring in so long.

W-W-Where did you come from?

I didn't hear the train come in.

I took the bus and walked
in from Steuben's Bluffs.

You...?

Well, that's some
walk, Mister, uh...?

Reynolds.

I, uh, I'd like a room.

Do you have a vacancy?

The whole hotel.

Pick a number and
you can take your room.

Fine.

Uh, walked all the way
from Steuben's Bluffs, huh?

Well, it was a beautiful day,
and walking is my hobby.

Then you're gonna
like room five.

It's upstairs and
clear to the back.

May I have a look at it?

Oh, certainly.

Uncle J... Oh, this
is my Uncle Joe.

Uh, Mr. Reynolds, Mr. Carson.

Uh...

Uh, would you show
Mr. Reynolds room five, please?

Show it to him?

Yes, I'd like to look at it.

I just took a look at it.

It's still there.

Uncle Joe, would you please
show Mr. Reynolds the room?

Okay, okay.

How'd you get here?

The train didn't come in.

I took the bus and I
walked in from the road.

Oh?

Seems to me a man
coming into the hotel should...

KATE: Uncle Joe,

Mr. Reynolds likes to walk.

It's his hobby.

The room?

Walking ain't my hobby.

How do you like that?

This is the key
to the cellar door.

May I?

You're wasting your time.

Take a locksmith
to get into... There.

How'd you do that?

It's simple when you know how.

Well... this is fine.

This is lovely.

I'll take this.

Okay, but you got to come
down and sign the register.

Uh, I'm a little tired now from
that long walk in from the road.

You didn't say why you
didn't come in by train.

I know I didn't.

I'll be down to register
after I take a nap.

There's a state law
says a guest must register

when he checks in a hotel.

Well, I hate to
disagree with you,

but the law states
the guest must register

within 12 hours of checking in.

I'll be down long before that.

Now, if you don't mind,
would you go down

and get my bags from the lobby?

12 hours, huh?

Yeah, 12 hours.

You sure about that?

Yes, 12 hours.

Positively 12 hours.

Telling you, Kate, there's
something fishy about him.

How did he know about
that 12-hour loophole

in the law about
guests registering?

He's probably a lawyer.

Lawyer, ha.

What he knows about
the law, he's probably

- learned from breaking it.
- Oh, Joe.

He looks like he
could be a lawyer.

- Who does?
- Mr. Reynolds.

Who's Mr. Reynolds?

I am.

You a lawyer?

Uh, Mr. Reynolds, I'd like you

to meet two of my daughters,

Bobbie Jo and Betty Jo.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Hello.

Well, I thought the view
from my room was beautiful,

but it doesn't compare with
the view down here in the lobby.

Oh.

These are the most beautiful
young ladies I've ever seen.

Why, thank you, Mr. Reynolds.

Thank you very much.

Now, don't thank me.

Thank the lady who
passed her beauty on to you.

Your mother.

(laughing): Oh.

Mr. Reynolds, don't you
go to turning our heads.

Why not? I'm sure you'd all
be beautiful from any angle.

Mrs. Bradley, perhaps
I could register now.

Oh, sure.

Here we are.

Mr. Reynolds, you didn't
come on the train, did you?

He parked his car on the
county road and walked in.

No, I took the
bus and walked in.

Uh, will this be enough
for a week in advance?

That's enough for
a month in advance.

(laughs) Fine.

Thank you, Mr. Reynolds.

Thank you very much.

See?

See how sneaky he is?

He paid you in advance
so he'd get you off guard.

Gee, Mom, it looks like
your luck has really changed.

Yeah, it's like baseball.

Sometimes you
have a losing streak,

and then somebody
comes in with a run,

and before you know
it, you won the game.

That makes sense.

So why don't we all pitch in

and spruce up the
other rooms, huh?

What for?

For the guests that
are gonna be coming.

Kate, I wouldn't build
up my hopes too high.

Mrs. Bradley?

Are you expecting
any other guests?

Well, uh... I'd like to reserve

the entire hotel.

But... I think that
could be arranged.

I suppose you realize
that to hold all them rooms

until your friends get here is
gonna cost you your arm and leg.

Well, would, uh,
would $200 cover it?

Oh, yes. (chuckles)

One dollar more, and
you'd be the new owner.

But you don't have
to pay in advance.

Uh, you-you pay when you
check out with your guests.

By the way, how many are
there going to be in your party?

Just me, and that way I can
be sure I won't be disturbed.

Why didn't you take that money
when you had the chance?

He'll pay me later.

- He's perfectly honest.
- Honest?

If he was honest, why
would he want the hotel

all to himself?

I don't know.

Maybe he's a... um...
Well, he could, uh...

um...

Well, it's perfectly
obvious, he's a...

It's obvious he's a crook
hiding out from the law.

He's monopolizing those
rooms so we can't rent 'em out

to the detectives that
are hot on his trail.

Well... when the
detectives get here,

I'll put extra cots
in your room.

Oh, here he comes.

Watch me give him this
Perry Mason interrogation.

Uncle Joe, I will not have you

asking him a lot
of nosy questions.

Don't worry, Kate.
The way I pump him,

he won't even know
he's being pumped.

Well... Uh, hello,
uh, Mrs. Bradley.

Mr. Reynolds.

Sure is nice weather
for traveling salesmen.

It sure is.

Were you ever a
traveling salesman?

Me? No, no, no.

I thought maybe
that's what you was.

Oh, no, no.

But it certainly
is lovely weather.

Yeah.

Yeah, the weather must
be quite a change for you,

uh, coming from the East.

Yes, yes.

I imagine it would be

if I were from the East.

Would be... It'd
be a bigger change

even if you was from the West.

Yes, yes, it would be,

but I'm not from the West.

Well, our weather is so nice,

it would be a great change

even from the
North or the South.

Uh, yes.

Uh, uh, this weather
is such a change,

I think I'll enjoy it
by taking a walk in it.

He didn't say whether he
was from the North, the South,

or the East or the West.

You know what I think?

He's from outer space.

That's exactly what I thought.

He's from outer...

How can you get from
outer space on a bus?

All right, now, Farmer
Brown has 200 white chickens

and 250 brown chickens.

The brown chickens
lay two and a half times

as many eggs as
the white chickens do.

Total number of eggs laid...

Uncle Joe, please,
I think if I can just...

Quiet, I'm concentrating.

Now, we let "Y" equal the number

of eggs the white chickens lay

and "X," the number of
eggs the brown chickens lay.

"X" and "Y."

It's always "X" and "Y."

Why can't these guys come
up with some other letters?

Why don't you try "A" and "B"?

Well, if you don't use the
same letters they've got,

how do you get the right answer?

Oh.

Uncle Joe, it really
doesn't matter...

Honey, don't argue
with Albert Einstein.

Okay.

Now, what we have to do is
find what "X" and "Y" equals.

If I'm not intruding,

"X" equals 1,250
and "Y" equals 500.

Huh?

How do you know?

Uh, well, it's very simple.

If you take...

Sure, it's easy to come
up with a wrong answer,

and that's a wrong
answer if I ever heard one.

That's the correct answer,
all right, Mr. Reynolds.

It says so here in
the back of the book.

Thanks very much.

Of course he knew
the right answer.

He read the book before.

Beautiful night
out, Mrs. Bradley.

Would you care to
join me for a walk?

Oh, I'd love to, Mr. Reynolds.

Oh. (chuckles)

Probably a bookkeeper that
embezzled his company's funds.

(rumbling)

Uh-oh.

The pump again.

Uncle Joe.

Uncle Joe. Uncle Joe.

Uncle Joe, didn't you
hear me calling you?

Didn't you hear me
not answering you?

That means I'm busy.

Well, unbusy yourself
and fix the pump.

It just went out again.

What I'm doing is much more
important than fixing the pump.

Look, here, I've got proof

that Reynolds is
a low-down skunk.

Huh?

See his signature
here on the register?

Yeah.

I'm analyzing his handwriting.

So?

See how he makes his
Es with them big loops?

Crosses his Ts and dots his Is?

Well, the book says
that all them things

show criminal tendencies.

It does?

I sure got him dead
to rights this time, Kate.

You know something?

It looks just the same
as this handwriting here.

Yeah, makes his Es
with them big loops.

Crosses his Ts, dots
his Is the same way.

Yeah, that's a criminal
type if I ever saw one.

This is the shopping
list you wrote last week.

Want to turn yourself in?

After you fix the pump.

Kate, this should convince you

what a low-down
thief he really is...

Tricking up his writing
to make it look like

it's written by someone
as honest as me.

Why, sure, I'll print
it on the front page

if it's a big enough story.

Well, come on, tell
me what happened.

A bank robbery?

The Benton bank?

When did it happen?

Yeah?

Uh-huh.

How much is this can of hominy?

$3,000.

Boy, has your prices gone up.

Seems to me that...
Will you stop babbling?

I'm talking to my
foreign correspondent

over at the county seat.

The Benton bank
was robbed of $3,000.

Well, I've got an alibi.

I was with Charley all the time.

Nobody's accusing you.

Now hush up.

Hey, Sam, give me a couple
of number 12 pump gaskets.

You hush up, too.

Are you still there?

Yeah, well, now, what is it?

Ooh, that'll make a
big story over here.

The bank robber was
last seen heading this way.

Bank robber? What bank robber?

What do you want to do that for?

Because I got a
bigger story for you:

the capture of the bank robber.

We got him over at the hotel.

Like the time you
had the spy over there,

and he turned out be with
the sheriff's department.

That's him,
that's him all right.

Are you positive?

I'm sure as I've been
sure of anything in my life.

Well, that leaves
plenty of room for doubt.

Now, look here, Sam...

Now, what Sam means is,
you'd better be pretty sure

before you go accusing
anybody of being a bank robber.

Yeah, he'll sue you for
every penny Kate's got.

Now, what you ought to do,
like, is, uh, take a picture of him.

Then send it to the
authorities so you can be sure.

Look, I don't need
nobody to think for me.

Now, the first thing I'm going
to do is take a picture of him

and send it to the
authorities so I can be sure.

Where's the camera?

The last time I saw
it, it was in your room.

- Oh.
- What do you want it for?

Take a picture of
the bank robber.

- What bank robber?
- That Reynolds fella.

Sam's running a story about
the Benton bank robbery.

Reynolds fits the
description to a tee:

brown suit, straw
hat, six-foot-two.

When Mr. Reynolds came in,

he was wearing a
gray suit and a felt hat.

Man smart enough to rob a bank

is smart enough to
change his clothes.

Is he also smart enough
to shrink four inches?

Mr. Reynolds can't be
more than five-foot-ten.

He probably pulled the
job wearing high heels.

Look, Uncle Joe,

Mr. Reynolds is no more
a bank robber than I am.

So would you please
forget everything

before some squirrel comes along

and tucks you
away for the winter?

Yeah, what I'll be tucking away
is the reward money I'm getting.

They're offering $500
reward for his capture,

and one thing is sure:
I've got his number,

and he's going to
wind up with one.

(gibbering)

(clapping)

(gibbering)

Sam, would you hurry
up and get to my pictures?

I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying.

Oh, here they are.

Let's have 'em.

That'll be 65 cents.

This is official
police business.

Give me 'em.

Sure is hairy-looking
for a bank robber.

That's the dog.

At least you'll be able
to get his footprints.

Where's the rest of 'em?

That's all that came out.

Sam, you still got
them handcuffs

the sheriff left here
till he pays his bill?

- Yeah, but I don't...
- Let me have 'em.

I'm gonna bring this guy in.

Where's your proof?

Any man that'd go through
all them shenanigans

to keep from getting his
picture took has got to be guilty.

Here's some more
wood I just chopped.

Oh, gee, my aching back.

(laughs) Never mind, it's
good exercise for the figure.

Mom, you've got to do
something about Uncle Joe.

What's he up to now?

Well, he's hiding
by the front door.

He's got a pair of
handcuffs in one hand

and my baseball
bat in the other.

He says Mr. Reynolds
is a bank robber

and he's going to capture him.

I told him to stop playing
cops and robbers...

especially when there
are no cops or robbers.

What are you going to do, Mom?

Well, you know Uncle
Joe's pretty hotheaded,

and I think I've figured
out a way to cool him off.

♪ La-da-dee... ♪

Oh, Uncle Joe, have
you seen Mr. Reynolds?

He was sweet enough
to chop this wood for me,

and I want him to
chop some more.

Chop wood?

You shouldn't be trusting
that fiend with an ax.

Oh, he doesn't use an ax.

He-he chops it with his hands.

He's a karate expert.

Oh, a... a karate expert?

Yeah, you should see him.

Chop, chop, chop.

Oh, what are you doing
with the baseball bat?

Oh, I-I was gonna
play a little baseball.

And the handcuffs?

Th-That was in case I caught
somebody trying to steal a base.

(laughing)

He's a karate expert, huh?

Chop, chop.

So I decided to let my good
friends share in the honor

of capturing the bank robber.

You still don't know for
sure he is the bank robber.

Joe, you didn't get
his picture or nothing.

How many times do I have
to tell you, I know it's him?

Just to keep you from fretting,

I'll take the full
responsibility.

I'm just giving you a
chance to share in the glory.

Do we get to
share in the reward?

Reward?

What reward?

The reward for
capturing the bank robber,

like it said in Sam's notes.

Oh, that reward.

Well, do we share it?

Okay, okay, I'll
split it with you.

You hear that, Sam?

He's going to split
the reward with us.

The only reward I
expect is the big laugh.

What big laugh?

The one I'm going to get
when that Reynolds fella

sues you for false arrest.

Don't pay any
attention to him, fellas.

Now, here's my plan to nab him.

To throw him off guard,

you'll all come over
tonight for a band rehearsal.

Oh, boy.

When Reynolds comes
down to listen to the music,

I'll signal for you to stop.

And, Floyd, you walk around,

stoop down behind
him, and I'll push him.

Well, if Sam don't come,

it won't be much
of a band rehearsal.

Who says I'm not coming?

Somebody's got to look
out for Kate and the girls.

Now remember, when
he comes down to listen,

I'll give you the
signal "take five,"

and we'll go into action, right?

Oh, for Pete's sake.

- We'll do it.
- Mercy.

And don't let on that
we're wise to him.

You ready?

A-one, a-two,
a-three... (band playing)

Mom, I didn't know they
were rehearsing tonight.

How can I study?

Mom!

Doesn't that racket
get on your nerves?

- (band continues playing)
- Not mine.

I know it's awful, honey,

but it's better than his
playing with a baseball bat

and a pair of handcuffs.

(Reynolds playing harmonica)

Take five.

Take five!

Ain't it pretty?

Plays like an angel.

I said, take five.

(Reynolds playing)

Who could be playing
such beautiful music?

There's only one person.

Has to be Mr. Reynolds.

Wonderful!

I'll say.

You sure play pretty
for a bank robber.

Bank robber?

And don't try to talk
your way out of it.

We got the goods on you,
and we've got you surrounded.

If you don't want any trouble,

you might as well
give yourself up.

Well, if that's your
advice, I'd better take it.

You're darned right,
that's my advice.

Now, you come along
and don't try anything.

I believe they go this way.

There.

I think that'll hold you.

All right, fellas, we'll go
up and search his room.

Find the stolen loot.

Oh, boy.

Yeah.

Floyd, will you get up?

But you never pushed him.

Out of the way, Kate,
this is man's work.

Hold it. Hold it.

What are you Rover Boys up to?

We've got to search
the bank robber's room

for the stolen loot.

We've already captured him.

He's handcuffed to
the elevator in the lobby.

Handcuffed to the ele...

You are going right down

and take those handcuffs
off of him and apologize.

You're going to let him go?

And then I might let you go.

I'm telling you, Kate,
you're making a big mistake.

Did you hear the news?

It just came over the radio.

They captured the bank robber
who robbed the bank in Benton.

You were telling me...?

I thought you said you
had him handcuffed.

JOE: We did.

Honest, Kate, he was
standing right there.

I don't see how he
could have got away.

You should have pushed him.

Mom, have you seen Mr. Reynolds?

We passed by his room,

and his door was open
and his things were gone.

Well, I think
Mr. Reynolds is gone, too.

(chuckles)

He popped in from nowhere
and he's gone the same way.

I'm going to miss him.

- Me, too.
- Me, too.

He was a wonderful man.

You should have pushed him.

I guess we'll never
know where he came from

or what he does.

I should have pushed him.

You women was taken in

by Reynolds' good
looks and syrupy talk,

but I had him pegged as
a crook right from the start.

Yes, Uncle Joe, you've told us.

Man that can open
doors, work algebra,

walk from Steuben's
Bluffs, and knows karate...

to me that exposed
his criminal tendencies.

Floyd and Charley just
brought the city paper.

Cape Kennedy just
launched a new rocket.

Let's see, Mom.

Yeah, there's a picture
here of the scientist

who headed the project,

fellow named Lawrence.

BOBBIE JO: Lawrence?

Why, that's our Mr. Reynolds.

Oh, Uncle Joe,
what were you saying

about criminal tendencies?

I'm going to write that
Dr. Lawrence a letter.

And apologize?

Let him know some shady imposter

is opening handcuffs
with his face.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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