Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 2, Episode 35 - The Hairbrained Scheme - full transcript
Uncle Joe's latest scheme is to sell goat milk as a cure for baldness.
Uncle Joe's latest moneymaking
scheme involves goat's milk.
But it's not for drinking.
No, it's for bald men
to rub on their heads
to promote the regrowth of hair.
Our guest star is a man
named Robert Easton.
With a resume that stretches
all the way from
Hooterville to Hollywood,
this versatile character
actor also happens to be
Tinseltown's
foremost dialect coach.
For decades, Easton has been
teaching all the biggest stars
and everyone else how to
master any and all accents.
First broadcast June 8, 1965,
"The Hairbrained Scheme."
(train whistle blows)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows)
You looking for something? Huh?
Oh, no.
Oh, I thought you
might've lost something.
No. Good.
Hey, Kate? Hmm?
Did you find something?
You lose something?
Maybe.
Well, if you don't
know if you lost it,
I don't know if I found it.
Well, Kate, I...
I didn't lose it.
I-I hid it. Hid what?
What I hid.
Well, what was it?
Well, if I wanted you to know,
Kate, I wouldn't have hidden it.
Makes sense.
You found any money, it's mine.
Money?!
Uh, 15 dollars. I hid
it under my Indian.
Where did you get 15 dollars?
Did you find it? No!
Then never mind where I got it.
Here, hold him.
What... Uncle Joe!
Oh, here it is. Here it is.
Here, I'll... Where did
you get that money?
I earned it.
Doing what?!
Using my head.
Of all the lamebrained
half-baked schemes
you ever come up with, Joe,
this one really takes the cake.
Yeah, we want our money back.
What'd he do?
You fellas are reneging
on your investments.
The plant ain't even
in operation yet.
You're darn right it ain't
and it ain't gonna be!
What'd he do? What'd he do?!
I'll tell you what I did.
I dreamed up a
million-dollar scheme...
Make Hooterville the
fishing paradise of the county.
He was gonna stock
the creek with fish.
Well, what's wrong with that?
Halibut?!
Uncle Joe, give them
back their money.
What's wrong with halibut?
What's wrong with halibut?
I never caught one
of them in the creek.
Because halibut
is a saltwater fish.
I know that, and you know that.
But the fishermen
don't know that.
Give them back their money.
I can't, Kate. It's in escrow.
Well, put your
hand in your pocket
and get it out of escrow.
That's a good boy.
There's your five. That's mine!
How you know?
It had that fella's
picture on it.
Here.
There's your five, Sam.
Where's mine?
I gave you yours.
I gave it to Floyd.
Well, that's between
you and him.
You know, I'm
surprised at you, Sam.
A smart businessman
investing five dollars
in one of Uncle Joe's schemes.
Well, I thought it
was a good idea
until I found out
about the halibut.
Well, I just don't understand
you being taken by Uncle Joe.
Now, how much was
it... Oh! (bell ringing)
(ringing continues)
Wh-What's that, Kate?
I forgot I took this.
This is my purse with
the built-in burglar alarm.
I never saw one of those.
There's only one in the valley.
Where'd you get that, Kate?
I bought it from the inventor.
Oh.
Come on, Uncle Joe.
So long. Bye.
All I had to do is throw
a little salt in that creek
and them halibut
wouldn't have known
whether they were in
the Atlantic or the Pacific.
Uncle Joe, no more schemes.
But Kate... No more schemes!
All I'm trying to do is
make an honest living.
Have you ever thought of work?
Getting 15 bucks out of
them tightwads wasn't play.
Well, nevertheless,
you're gonna promise me
that you're through with
these get-rich-quick schemes.
Well, okay.
Promise me on my
burglar-alarm purse.
(barking)
What's the matter with you?
Can't you see there
ain't no train coming?
(barks) Quiet!
I'm trying to sleep.
Cut that out. I'm try...
Oh, hi, Hector.
How are ya, Joe?
All right.
Can you lend me a dollar, Joe?
I'll see you around, Hector.
Please, Joe.
I need it real bad.
What do you want it for?
A shave and a haircut.
Going to a party? No.
I just need a haircut.
I seen you at the barbershop
less than two weeks ago.
I know.
I been hair sprouting
like everything.
I guess it must be all
this here goat's milk
I been drinking lately.
Can't be anything else.
Been eating anything different?
No.
Same as always...
Raw turnips and greens,
and once in a
while a slow rabbit.
I guess the fella who
had sold me this here goat
must have been
telling the truth.
What do you mean by that?
He said he's as bald
as an American eagle
till he started
drinking goat's milk.
Sounds like a story I'd come
up with about an hour ago
before my retirement.
Can you lend me the dollar, Joe?
You say this fella was as
bald as an American eagle?
Yeah.
The dollar?
Be unpatriotic to lie
about the American
eagle, wouldn't it?
Oh, yeah.
How about the dollar, Joe?
I'm suffocating in
all this hair here.
Hector, how long you
and me been friends?
Ooh, ten, 15 years.
Now during all that time,
I've never lent you
any money, have I?
No. Uh-uh.
That's why we've been friends.
And I'm not gonna start
being unfriendly now.
So, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.
I'll give you a
dollar for the goat.
It ain't for sale.
Well, I'll see you
around, Hector.
A buck and a quarter?
So long, Joe.
I'll give you a buck and a half,
and that's as far as I'll go
to try and make you friendly.
That ain't very friendly.
How friendly you
aiming for me to be?
A dollar sixty-five?
Sold.
Here you are.
Now keep your eye on him.
It's a million-dollar property.
(bleating)
Oh, hi, Uncle Joe.
Hi, Kate. Can I help you?
What did you say?
Can I help you?
Do-do you feel all right?
Of course I do.
Here, let me do that.
Kate, I've been thinking.
Aha, you are sick.
I don't know what I
could have had in mind
when I wanted to stock
that creek with halibut.
$15, that's what
you had in mind.
Kate, you're a wonderful woman
for putting up with me.
All right, what's the scheme?
What scheme?
The one you're
buttering me up for.
(laughs) I don't blame
you for being suspicious,
but I just wanted to
show my appreciation.
For being suspicious?
No, for putting up with me.
To show you how grateful I am,
I got you a present.
A present?!
Don't say nothing.
Just accept it as a
token of my gratitude.
Well, that's very nice of you.
Well, why don't you bring it in
and I'll unwrap it.
Well, uh, it ain't the
unwrapping kind.
Well, what kind is it?
BETTY JO: Mom, quick!
Let go!
Let go! Go away! Go away!
Hurry up! Help!
Get that goat out of the yard!
Kate, that's your present.
My present?
I just wanted to give you
something to remember me by.
I'll have something
to remember you by...
Your empty room.
Could somebody please help us?!
Oh, he's just playing.
Uncle Joe!
BILLIE JO: Quick!
Hurry! Somebody!
Oh, come on.
I'll handle this.
Let go. Let go.
Give me that thing!
Give me that thing!
(thud)
Dad-burn that...
that blasted, miserable goat!
Oh, he was just playing.
Hey, come back with our dog!
Hold still.
You're making history.
This is the first batch
of Carson's Grow,
Grow, Grow Hair Grower.
(bleating)
Quiet. You're a silent partner.
Come here.
Here.
Now hold that, otherwise
you're out of the company.
BILLIE JO: Mom, my best dress!
Uncle Joe!
Now don't blame
me; it was his fault.
(barks)
I told him to keep
his eye on the goat,
but you can't give
him any responsibility.
Get rid of him!
All right, you heard her.
Pack your bones and get out!
Not him, the goat.
Don't you like your present?
I like it, but I also like
my sheets and towels.
And your pillowcases
and my party dress.
Well, he's got a good appetite.
He's a growing goat. If
he eats one more thing...
BETTY JO: Mom!
Mom, come out here quick!
What's the matter?
The goat's eating the porch!
Uncle Joe, you gotta
get rid of that goat!
But I gave it to
you as a present.
Fine, then I'll get rid of it.
Why do you want
to get rid of it?
Because it... (chomping)
The least you can
do is stop eating
while we're talking about you.
Come on.
You don't want to
get rid of that goat.
Oh, yes, I do.
Kate, that's a valuable goat.
Wait till I tell you
what it can do.
I know what it can do.
You won't believe this,
but that goat can grow hair.
Most goats can.
I mean on human people.
It's worth a million dollars.
Uncle Joe, you promised
on my burglar-alarm purse
that you wouldn't get mixed
up in any more schemes.
Kate, this ain't no scheme.
I've stumbled on the
secret of the century.
Well, when you stumbled
you must've hit your head.
Have you any idea
what it's like to be bald?
Well, no, thank goodness.
Well, according to the reports
on baldness from the FBI...
The FBI?
Are they on your trail already?
The Federal Barbers Institute.
Oh.
There's over three
million bald heads
running around the country
looking for ways to
grow hair, and I've got it.
And you can keep it.
Let's see.
Carson's Grow, Grow,
Grow Hair Grower.
See, I figure at two dollars
a bottle, that makes...
$18 million?!
Plus a nickel deposit
on every bottle.
Well, here are
your linens, Kate.
I'm sorry I don't
carry porch rails.
(fake laugh)
You know I wish I
could laugh, Sam.
But that goat has eaten
me out of house and hotel.
If I could teach
Uncle Joe a lesson,
I might cure him
once and for all.
You got any ideas?
Frankly, no.
You have any?
Well, uh...
No.
Do that again.
What'd I do?
You just gave me an idea.
I did?
(engine chugging)
I thought Sam
would be a great idea
for my first customer.
Your first customer?
It's my goat.
Who got the idea of milking it
for a million? Well, you did.
And that should make
us equal partners...
75% for me, 25% for you.
Well, that doesn't
sound very equal to me.
Well, you own the goat.
Well, if I own the goat,
then I should get 75%.
But I'd take care of
all the production...
The bottling, the
promotion, the selling.
50/50.
Okay.
But remember,
leave the selling to Sam to me.
You think you ought to?
He's probably still holding
that halibut over your head.
Don't worry about Sam.
I can out-shrewd him
any day in the week.
Morning, Sam. Morning, Kate.
Hi, Joe. Hi, Baldy.
You noticed.
Except for the fringe benefits,
you're as bald as
an American eagle.
Joe, if there was
something that'd grow hair,
I'd pay up to two
dollars a bottle for it.
Don't be so anxious.
Oh, uh, what I mean
is, I'd pay anything
up to two dollars
a bottle for it.
Sam, it's a lucky thing for you
I dropped in here this morning.
I'll take it.
Take it easy.
I-I mean I'll take it as a favor
if you'll tell me why it's lucky
that you dropped
by here this morning.
Is that better?
Oh, much.
Sam, guess what this is.
I'll take it.
I'll admit it looks
like ordinary milk,
but don't let
appearances deceive you.
This is Carson's Grow,
Grow, Grow Hair Grower.
If I took this to a
research chemist,
what do you think he'd find?
I'll take it.
One magnum of "nesium,"
ten centipedes of potassium,
and other rare
elements of chemistry
too numerous to mention.
Sold.
And the price of this extra-
large one-ounce bottle is...
Sold.
Don't you want to even
know how much it costs?
No, I just want to start
sprinkling it on my head.
It ain't a sprinkler,
it's a drinker.
Oh.
How much is it?
Well, seeing as you're one
of my closest bald friends,
I'll let you have it
at cost... two dollars.
Two dollars?
Joe, if that'll do
what you say it'll do,
it's worth more than that.
Well, it's two-and-a-half,
including the bottle.
Two dollars.
Joe, you got a gold mine here.
How about taking
me in as a partner?
I already got a partner... Kate.
Kate? Well, then
it must be good.
Mm-hmm.
You be sure and
drink every drop.
Yeah, and when you
wake up in the morning,
don't be surprised if you find
fuzz where your hair once was.
That's our slogan. Yeah.
Uh, Joe, I'll never
forget you for this.
Hi, Kate.
Hi there.
Didn't anyone ever teach
you to take your hat off
when a woman gets on a train?
Ain't nothing like that
in the conductor's rules.
It's in the
"politeness's" rules.
Take it off.
Oh, hi, Baldy.
Baldy? W-Wait,
take it easy, Floyd.
He called me Baldy.
Ain't nobody calls me
that and gets away with it.
Floyd, there's no need to
be called Baldy anymore.
What you need
is a bottle of this.
What's that?
Carson's Grow, Grow,
Grow Hair Grower.
Only three dollars a bottle.
Sam bought a bottle.
Didn't he, Kate?
He certainly did.
Yeah, Sam was the first one
to fall for the halibut swindle.
Yeah, I may be dumb,
but I ain't a-gonna waste
my money on that kind of junk.
Okay, check with Sam later
and see what happens to him.
It ain't possible.
Yes, it is with Carson's Grow,
Grow, Grow Hair Grower.
Well, it sure grow,
grow, growed.
And you said it's the
same as the halibut swindle.
I've got to get me a bottle
of that before Joe sells out.
Uh, Floyd, there's no hurry.
Yes, there is.
I don't want to be the
only skinhead in town.
Joe's tonic don't work.
Well, it sure worked on you.
This ain't mine.
Do you mean that this is
just another one of Joe's
get-rich-quick schemes?
(laughing) Yeah.
You sure it ain't real?
No.
Me and Kate are just
teaching Joe a lesson.
It don't work?
No, it don't.
You fellas could help us out.
Now, here's what you could do.
Doggone it, I was fixing to
buy myself a brush and comb.
Shall I fill these to
the top, Uncle Joe?
Of course not.
What do you think I
painted the bottles white for?
How's the sign?
Well, it's still a little wet,
Uncle Joe, so be careful.
Look at this, Kate.
"Your new life
is about to begin.
You'll have curly locks
where you once had skin."
What do you think of it?
Very moving.
(clearing throat): Hi, Joe.
Hi, Sam.
Sam!
Joe, I just had to come here
and show you
what you did for me.
How do I look?
(wolf whistle) Mm.
Change the sign to $15.
Well, I got to get going.
I got a date at the barbershop
to get my hair cut
instead of tweezed.
Kate, it worked, it worked.
It worked like a charm.
You should have seen the
expression on Joe's face.
Kate, we're gonna have
to start milking twice a day,
get more bottles.
Howdy.
Floyd, is that you?
Let me look.
Yeah, it's me.
Handsome devil, ain't I?
Joe, I don't know
how to thank you.
I owe it all to Hair Grow, Grow.
I didn't sell you any.
No, Sam had a few
swigs left in the bottle,
and he sold them to
me for three dollars.
What? He can't do that.
He ain't an authorized dealer.
Where are you going?
To tell Sam to butt out.
Nobody sells Grow,
Grow except me, me.
Floyd, where did
you get that wig?
From Sam, but it
looks better on me.
But if Uncle Joe sees
Sam without his wig,
there's gonna be more
exposed than Sam's head.
Floyd, give me that.
No, you've got your own hair.
It's the first time in
years I've had any.
Floyd, you're going
to ruin the whole plan.
Give me that.
Where's the dog?
Oh, here, boy.
Take this down
to Sam at the train.
Hey, cut it out.
Look.
Joe must be coming. Quick!
Oh, hi, Joe.
Now, look here, Sam Drucker,
you've got to stop infringing.
I'd be glad to, but that Grow,
Grow, Grow is powerful stuff.
I mean, you got to stop
selling it without a franchise.
It's my bottle; I can
do what I want with it.
All right, just for that, I
won't sell you any more,
no matter how much you beg.
What's the matter?
Strange how that
goat specializes
in that one hairstyle.
Uh, hey, Joe, tell Floyd
to get on down here.
We got to pull out.
Okay.
Quick.
Give this to Floyd.
Watch where you're
going, you clumsy dog.
What you got in your mouth?
Looked like a chipmunk to me.
What are you doing that for?
Publicity.
After all, people
aren't going to know
our hair grower really works
unless they see it
with their own eyes.
Yeah, I never thought of that.
Of course, we should
have a picture of Sam, too.
(chuckles)
After all, two heads of
hair are better than one.
Well, how are you going to
take a picture of Sam when I'm...?
(clearing throat): Uh...
You're going to go get
him, aren't you, Uncle Joe?
Yeah, yeah.
Excuse me.
Here, take this to Mr. Drucker.
I don't understand
what you're doing.
When Joe gets back, he's
going to see me this way.
No, he won't, 'cause you'll
be upstairs combing your hair.
Well, how can I be combing
my hair when Sam's wearing it?
Floyd, upstairs?
Hold still.
You going to give
me a franchise?
Yeah. Well, okay.
Snap it.
I'll get the film
developed for you.
I got one more picture.
Do you want to take mine?
No, you ain't a
hair grower product.
Hey, what we ought
to do is take a picture
of you and Floyd together.
Ooh, that ought
to be interesting.
Where is he?
Upstairs, combing his hair.
I'll get him, Joe.
I want to comb my hair, too.
I ain't had so
much fun in years.
Wonder if Joe's got
any of that brilliantine.
Oh, come on, Floyd,
they're waiting for you.
Where's Sam?
This is no way to run a
million-dollar enterprise.
I'll get him.
All ready.
Where's Floyd?
Uh, combing his hair.
I'll get him.
Come here.
Here, Floyd.
Very funny.
And you owe me
two dollars I paid you
for that phony hair grower.
You sold it to Floyd for three.
I forgot about that.
You also owe him three.
How much did the wig cost?
Well, that was a
Halloween special... $6.95.
Well, you'd better
put that on the bill, too.
That brings it to $11.95.
And Uncle Joe, the next time
you get another
"hairbrained" scheme,
Sam is going to print this
on the front page of the
Hooterville World Guardian.
(barks)
Hi, Hector. Howdy, Miss Bradley.
Hi there, Joe.
Is Joe still mad at me?
You're darn right I am,
hoodwinking me into thinking
that goat was a hair grower.
Well, she is.
Now, let's not start
that again, huh?
You got your goat back.
Where's my $1.65?
That's what I come
to talk to you about.
I was on my way over here
yesterday to give it to you
when I run into this fella
what wanted to sell
me his fishing pole.
(chuckling)
So I bought it.
Ain't it a beaut?
Oh, it certainly is.
That fella said
it'd catch anything.
Uh, would it be all right
if I paid you off in fish?
Did you catch any?
Yeah, the crick is
crawling with 'em.
Now, tell me, would you
like a big'un or a little'un?
Well, a big one if
you can spare it.
All right-y.
(chuckles)
Oh, well... What is
that? That's a halibut.
Halibut?
Hector, wait, wait.
(sniffs)
Oh... you'd better get
used to the smell of this.
I got a feeling that
Hooterville's going to be
the halibut capital
of the world.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.
scheme involves goat's milk.
But it's not for drinking.
No, it's for bald men
to rub on their heads
to promote the regrowth of hair.
Our guest star is a man
named Robert Easton.
With a resume that stretches
all the way from
Hooterville to Hollywood,
this versatile character
actor also happens to be
Tinseltown's
foremost dialect coach.
For decades, Easton has been
teaching all the biggest stars
and everyone else how to
master any and all accents.
First broadcast June 8, 1965,
"The Hairbrained Scheme."
(train whistle blows)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows)
You looking for something? Huh?
Oh, no.
Oh, I thought you
might've lost something.
No. Good.
Hey, Kate? Hmm?
Did you find something?
You lose something?
Maybe.
Well, if you don't
know if you lost it,
I don't know if I found it.
Well, Kate, I...
I didn't lose it.
I-I hid it. Hid what?
What I hid.
Well, what was it?
Well, if I wanted you to know,
Kate, I wouldn't have hidden it.
Makes sense.
You found any money, it's mine.
Money?!
Uh, 15 dollars. I hid
it under my Indian.
Where did you get 15 dollars?
Did you find it? No!
Then never mind where I got it.
Here, hold him.
What... Uncle Joe!
Oh, here it is. Here it is.
Here, I'll... Where did
you get that money?
I earned it.
Doing what?!
Using my head.
Of all the lamebrained
half-baked schemes
you ever come up with, Joe,
this one really takes the cake.
Yeah, we want our money back.
What'd he do?
You fellas are reneging
on your investments.
The plant ain't even
in operation yet.
You're darn right it ain't
and it ain't gonna be!
What'd he do? What'd he do?!
I'll tell you what I did.
I dreamed up a
million-dollar scheme...
Make Hooterville the
fishing paradise of the county.
He was gonna stock
the creek with fish.
Well, what's wrong with that?
Halibut?!
Uncle Joe, give them
back their money.
What's wrong with halibut?
What's wrong with halibut?
I never caught one
of them in the creek.
Because halibut
is a saltwater fish.
I know that, and you know that.
But the fishermen
don't know that.
Give them back their money.
I can't, Kate. It's in escrow.
Well, put your
hand in your pocket
and get it out of escrow.
That's a good boy.
There's your five. That's mine!
How you know?
It had that fella's
picture on it.
Here.
There's your five, Sam.
Where's mine?
I gave you yours.
I gave it to Floyd.
Well, that's between
you and him.
You know, I'm
surprised at you, Sam.
A smart businessman
investing five dollars
in one of Uncle Joe's schemes.
Well, I thought it
was a good idea
until I found out
about the halibut.
Well, I just don't understand
you being taken by Uncle Joe.
Now, how much was
it... Oh! (bell ringing)
(ringing continues)
Wh-What's that, Kate?
I forgot I took this.
This is my purse with
the built-in burglar alarm.
I never saw one of those.
There's only one in the valley.
Where'd you get that, Kate?
I bought it from the inventor.
Oh.
Come on, Uncle Joe.
So long. Bye.
All I had to do is throw
a little salt in that creek
and them halibut
wouldn't have known
whether they were in
the Atlantic or the Pacific.
Uncle Joe, no more schemes.
But Kate... No more schemes!
All I'm trying to do is
make an honest living.
Have you ever thought of work?
Getting 15 bucks out of
them tightwads wasn't play.
Well, nevertheless,
you're gonna promise me
that you're through with
these get-rich-quick schemes.
Well, okay.
Promise me on my
burglar-alarm purse.
(barking)
What's the matter with you?
Can't you see there
ain't no train coming?
(barks) Quiet!
I'm trying to sleep.
Cut that out. I'm try...
Oh, hi, Hector.
How are ya, Joe?
All right.
Can you lend me a dollar, Joe?
I'll see you around, Hector.
Please, Joe.
I need it real bad.
What do you want it for?
A shave and a haircut.
Going to a party? No.
I just need a haircut.
I seen you at the barbershop
less than two weeks ago.
I know.
I been hair sprouting
like everything.
I guess it must be all
this here goat's milk
I been drinking lately.
Can't be anything else.
Been eating anything different?
No.
Same as always...
Raw turnips and greens,
and once in a
while a slow rabbit.
I guess the fella who
had sold me this here goat
must have been
telling the truth.
What do you mean by that?
He said he's as bald
as an American eagle
till he started
drinking goat's milk.
Sounds like a story I'd come
up with about an hour ago
before my retirement.
Can you lend me the dollar, Joe?
You say this fella was as
bald as an American eagle?
Yeah.
The dollar?
Be unpatriotic to lie
about the American
eagle, wouldn't it?
Oh, yeah.
How about the dollar, Joe?
I'm suffocating in
all this hair here.
Hector, how long you
and me been friends?
Ooh, ten, 15 years.
Now during all that time,
I've never lent you
any money, have I?
No. Uh-uh.
That's why we've been friends.
And I'm not gonna start
being unfriendly now.
So, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.
I'll give you a
dollar for the goat.
It ain't for sale.
Well, I'll see you
around, Hector.
A buck and a quarter?
So long, Joe.
I'll give you a buck and a half,
and that's as far as I'll go
to try and make you friendly.
That ain't very friendly.
How friendly you
aiming for me to be?
A dollar sixty-five?
Sold.
Here you are.
Now keep your eye on him.
It's a million-dollar property.
(bleating)
Oh, hi, Uncle Joe.
Hi, Kate. Can I help you?
What did you say?
Can I help you?
Do-do you feel all right?
Of course I do.
Here, let me do that.
Kate, I've been thinking.
Aha, you are sick.
I don't know what I
could have had in mind
when I wanted to stock
that creek with halibut.
$15, that's what
you had in mind.
Kate, you're a wonderful woman
for putting up with me.
All right, what's the scheme?
What scheme?
The one you're
buttering me up for.
(laughs) I don't blame
you for being suspicious,
but I just wanted to
show my appreciation.
For being suspicious?
No, for putting up with me.
To show you how grateful I am,
I got you a present.
A present?!
Don't say nothing.
Just accept it as a
token of my gratitude.
Well, that's very nice of you.
Well, why don't you bring it in
and I'll unwrap it.
Well, uh, it ain't the
unwrapping kind.
Well, what kind is it?
BETTY JO: Mom, quick!
Let go!
Let go! Go away! Go away!
Hurry up! Help!
Get that goat out of the yard!
Kate, that's your present.
My present?
I just wanted to give you
something to remember me by.
I'll have something
to remember you by...
Your empty room.
Could somebody please help us?!
Oh, he's just playing.
Uncle Joe!
BILLIE JO: Quick!
Hurry! Somebody!
Oh, come on.
I'll handle this.
Let go. Let go.
Give me that thing!
Give me that thing!
(thud)
Dad-burn that...
that blasted, miserable goat!
Oh, he was just playing.
Hey, come back with our dog!
Hold still.
You're making history.
This is the first batch
of Carson's Grow,
Grow, Grow Hair Grower.
(bleating)
Quiet. You're a silent partner.
Come here.
Here.
Now hold that, otherwise
you're out of the company.
BILLIE JO: Mom, my best dress!
Uncle Joe!
Now don't blame
me; it was his fault.
(barks)
I told him to keep
his eye on the goat,
but you can't give
him any responsibility.
Get rid of him!
All right, you heard her.
Pack your bones and get out!
Not him, the goat.
Don't you like your present?
I like it, but I also like
my sheets and towels.
And your pillowcases
and my party dress.
Well, he's got a good appetite.
He's a growing goat. If
he eats one more thing...
BETTY JO: Mom!
Mom, come out here quick!
What's the matter?
The goat's eating the porch!
Uncle Joe, you gotta
get rid of that goat!
But I gave it to
you as a present.
Fine, then I'll get rid of it.
Why do you want
to get rid of it?
Because it... (chomping)
The least you can
do is stop eating
while we're talking about you.
Come on.
You don't want to
get rid of that goat.
Oh, yes, I do.
Kate, that's a valuable goat.
Wait till I tell you
what it can do.
I know what it can do.
You won't believe this,
but that goat can grow hair.
Most goats can.
I mean on human people.
It's worth a million dollars.
Uncle Joe, you promised
on my burglar-alarm purse
that you wouldn't get mixed
up in any more schemes.
Kate, this ain't no scheme.
I've stumbled on the
secret of the century.
Well, when you stumbled
you must've hit your head.
Have you any idea
what it's like to be bald?
Well, no, thank goodness.
Well, according to the reports
on baldness from the FBI...
The FBI?
Are they on your trail already?
The Federal Barbers Institute.
Oh.
There's over three
million bald heads
running around the country
looking for ways to
grow hair, and I've got it.
And you can keep it.
Let's see.
Carson's Grow, Grow,
Grow Hair Grower.
See, I figure at two dollars
a bottle, that makes...
$18 million?!
Plus a nickel deposit
on every bottle.
Well, here are
your linens, Kate.
I'm sorry I don't
carry porch rails.
(fake laugh)
You know I wish I
could laugh, Sam.
But that goat has eaten
me out of house and hotel.
If I could teach
Uncle Joe a lesson,
I might cure him
once and for all.
You got any ideas?
Frankly, no.
You have any?
Well, uh...
No.
Do that again.
What'd I do?
You just gave me an idea.
I did?
(engine chugging)
I thought Sam
would be a great idea
for my first customer.
Your first customer?
It's my goat.
Who got the idea of milking it
for a million? Well, you did.
And that should make
us equal partners...
75% for me, 25% for you.
Well, that doesn't
sound very equal to me.
Well, you own the goat.
Well, if I own the goat,
then I should get 75%.
But I'd take care of
all the production...
The bottling, the
promotion, the selling.
50/50.
Okay.
But remember,
leave the selling to Sam to me.
You think you ought to?
He's probably still holding
that halibut over your head.
Don't worry about Sam.
I can out-shrewd him
any day in the week.
Morning, Sam. Morning, Kate.
Hi, Joe. Hi, Baldy.
You noticed.
Except for the fringe benefits,
you're as bald as
an American eagle.
Joe, if there was
something that'd grow hair,
I'd pay up to two
dollars a bottle for it.
Don't be so anxious.
Oh, uh, what I mean
is, I'd pay anything
up to two dollars
a bottle for it.
Sam, it's a lucky thing for you
I dropped in here this morning.
I'll take it.
Take it easy.
I-I mean I'll take it as a favor
if you'll tell me why it's lucky
that you dropped
by here this morning.
Is that better?
Oh, much.
Sam, guess what this is.
I'll take it.
I'll admit it looks
like ordinary milk,
but don't let
appearances deceive you.
This is Carson's Grow,
Grow, Grow Hair Grower.
If I took this to a
research chemist,
what do you think he'd find?
I'll take it.
One magnum of "nesium,"
ten centipedes of potassium,
and other rare
elements of chemistry
too numerous to mention.
Sold.
And the price of this extra-
large one-ounce bottle is...
Sold.
Don't you want to even
know how much it costs?
No, I just want to start
sprinkling it on my head.
It ain't a sprinkler,
it's a drinker.
Oh.
How much is it?
Well, seeing as you're one
of my closest bald friends,
I'll let you have it
at cost... two dollars.
Two dollars?
Joe, if that'll do
what you say it'll do,
it's worth more than that.
Well, it's two-and-a-half,
including the bottle.
Two dollars.
Joe, you got a gold mine here.
How about taking
me in as a partner?
I already got a partner... Kate.
Kate? Well, then
it must be good.
Mm-hmm.
You be sure and
drink every drop.
Yeah, and when you
wake up in the morning,
don't be surprised if you find
fuzz where your hair once was.
That's our slogan. Yeah.
Uh, Joe, I'll never
forget you for this.
Hi, Kate.
Hi there.
Didn't anyone ever teach
you to take your hat off
when a woman gets on a train?
Ain't nothing like that
in the conductor's rules.
It's in the
"politeness's" rules.
Take it off.
Oh, hi, Baldy.
Baldy? W-Wait,
take it easy, Floyd.
He called me Baldy.
Ain't nobody calls me
that and gets away with it.
Floyd, there's no need to
be called Baldy anymore.
What you need
is a bottle of this.
What's that?
Carson's Grow, Grow,
Grow Hair Grower.
Only three dollars a bottle.
Sam bought a bottle.
Didn't he, Kate?
He certainly did.
Yeah, Sam was the first one
to fall for the halibut swindle.
Yeah, I may be dumb,
but I ain't a-gonna waste
my money on that kind of junk.
Okay, check with Sam later
and see what happens to him.
It ain't possible.
Yes, it is with Carson's Grow,
Grow, Grow Hair Grower.
Well, it sure grow,
grow, growed.
And you said it's the
same as the halibut swindle.
I've got to get me a bottle
of that before Joe sells out.
Uh, Floyd, there's no hurry.
Yes, there is.
I don't want to be the
only skinhead in town.
Joe's tonic don't work.
Well, it sure worked on you.
This ain't mine.
Do you mean that this is
just another one of Joe's
get-rich-quick schemes?
(laughing) Yeah.
You sure it ain't real?
No.
Me and Kate are just
teaching Joe a lesson.
It don't work?
No, it don't.
You fellas could help us out.
Now, here's what you could do.
Doggone it, I was fixing to
buy myself a brush and comb.
Shall I fill these to
the top, Uncle Joe?
Of course not.
What do you think I
painted the bottles white for?
How's the sign?
Well, it's still a little wet,
Uncle Joe, so be careful.
Look at this, Kate.
"Your new life
is about to begin.
You'll have curly locks
where you once had skin."
What do you think of it?
Very moving.
(clearing throat): Hi, Joe.
Hi, Sam.
Sam!
Joe, I just had to come here
and show you
what you did for me.
How do I look?
(wolf whistle) Mm.
Change the sign to $15.
Well, I got to get going.
I got a date at the barbershop
to get my hair cut
instead of tweezed.
Kate, it worked, it worked.
It worked like a charm.
You should have seen the
expression on Joe's face.
Kate, we're gonna have
to start milking twice a day,
get more bottles.
Howdy.
Floyd, is that you?
Let me look.
Yeah, it's me.
Handsome devil, ain't I?
Joe, I don't know
how to thank you.
I owe it all to Hair Grow, Grow.
I didn't sell you any.
No, Sam had a few
swigs left in the bottle,
and he sold them to
me for three dollars.
What? He can't do that.
He ain't an authorized dealer.
Where are you going?
To tell Sam to butt out.
Nobody sells Grow,
Grow except me, me.
Floyd, where did
you get that wig?
From Sam, but it
looks better on me.
But if Uncle Joe sees
Sam without his wig,
there's gonna be more
exposed than Sam's head.
Floyd, give me that.
No, you've got your own hair.
It's the first time in
years I've had any.
Floyd, you're going
to ruin the whole plan.
Give me that.
Where's the dog?
Oh, here, boy.
Take this down
to Sam at the train.
Hey, cut it out.
Look.
Joe must be coming. Quick!
Oh, hi, Joe.
Now, look here, Sam Drucker,
you've got to stop infringing.
I'd be glad to, but that Grow,
Grow, Grow is powerful stuff.
I mean, you got to stop
selling it without a franchise.
It's my bottle; I can
do what I want with it.
All right, just for that, I
won't sell you any more,
no matter how much you beg.
What's the matter?
Strange how that
goat specializes
in that one hairstyle.
Uh, hey, Joe, tell Floyd
to get on down here.
We got to pull out.
Okay.
Quick.
Give this to Floyd.
Watch where you're
going, you clumsy dog.
What you got in your mouth?
Looked like a chipmunk to me.
What are you doing that for?
Publicity.
After all, people
aren't going to know
our hair grower really works
unless they see it
with their own eyes.
Yeah, I never thought of that.
Of course, we should
have a picture of Sam, too.
(chuckles)
After all, two heads of
hair are better than one.
Well, how are you going to
take a picture of Sam when I'm...?
(clearing throat): Uh...
You're going to go get
him, aren't you, Uncle Joe?
Yeah, yeah.
Excuse me.
Here, take this to Mr. Drucker.
I don't understand
what you're doing.
When Joe gets back, he's
going to see me this way.
No, he won't, 'cause you'll
be upstairs combing your hair.
Well, how can I be combing
my hair when Sam's wearing it?
Floyd, upstairs?
Hold still.
You going to give
me a franchise?
Yeah. Well, okay.
Snap it.
I'll get the film
developed for you.
I got one more picture.
Do you want to take mine?
No, you ain't a
hair grower product.
Hey, what we ought
to do is take a picture
of you and Floyd together.
Ooh, that ought
to be interesting.
Where is he?
Upstairs, combing his hair.
I'll get him, Joe.
I want to comb my hair, too.
I ain't had so
much fun in years.
Wonder if Joe's got
any of that brilliantine.
Oh, come on, Floyd,
they're waiting for you.
Where's Sam?
This is no way to run a
million-dollar enterprise.
I'll get him.
All ready.
Where's Floyd?
Uh, combing his hair.
I'll get him.
Come here.
Here, Floyd.
Very funny.
And you owe me
two dollars I paid you
for that phony hair grower.
You sold it to Floyd for three.
I forgot about that.
You also owe him three.
How much did the wig cost?
Well, that was a
Halloween special... $6.95.
Well, you'd better
put that on the bill, too.
That brings it to $11.95.
And Uncle Joe, the next time
you get another
"hairbrained" scheme,
Sam is going to print this
on the front page of the
Hooterville World Guardian.
(barks)
Hi, Hector. Howdy, Miss Bradley.
Hi there, Joe.
Is Joe still mad at me?
You're darn right I am,
hoodwinking me into thinking
that goat was a hair grower.
Well, she is.
Now, let's not start
that again, huh?
You got your goat back.
Where's my $1.65?
That's what I come
to talk to you about.
I was on my way over here
yesterday to give it to you
when I run into this fella
what wanted to sell
me his fishing pole.
(chuckling)
So I bought it.
Ain't it a beaut?
Oh, it certainly is.
That fella said
it'd catch anything.
Uh, would it be all right
if I paid you off in fish?
Did you catch any?
Yeah, the crick is
crawling with 'em.
Now, tell me, would you
like a big'un or a little'un?
Well, a big one if
you can spare it.
All right-y.
(chuckles)
Oh, well... What is
that? That's a halibut.
Halibut?
Hector, wait, wait.
(sniffs)
Oh... you'd better get
used to the smell of this.
I got a feeling that
Hooterville's going to be
the halibut capital
of the world.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
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Filmways Presentation.