Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 2, Episode 36 - There's No Business with Show Business - full transcript

A man with more schemes than Uncle Joe visits the Shady Rest. The circus owner has run out of money for his troupe, and he plans a way for them to stay at the Shady Rest without paying.

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪



♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

You okayed Mr. Conway
for two weeks, huh?

He's all right, Kate.

Yeah, how do you explain that?

Probably did his laundry
and hung it out to dry.

Those are Mom's sheets.

Well, it was darn nice of him

to take the trouble to do them.

Uncle Joe, how come
every time a deadbeat

comes to this hotel,

he asks for you
when he registers?



I got a national reputation.

For what?

Whose notebook is that?

It's got Mr. Conway's
name on it.

I guess he dropped it.

He didn't drop his
wallet, too, did he?

It's a list of hotels.

Are we in it?

Yeah. "Shady Rest Hotel.

Be sure and contact..."

Oh, it's just a lot of
useless information.

May I?

Hmm! "Be sure to
contact Joe Carson.

"He is a big windbag,
but if handled right,

he is good for two weeks
free room and board."

"Caution: avoid Kate Bradley.

She's murder."

What's that?

Well, it looks like a
traveling salesman's

guide to the hotels of America,

with handy hints for
avoiding payment.

How about that.

I wonder how many
books like that there are.

What worries me is,
how many are there

with Uncle Joe's name in them?

"Joe Carson should be
contacted at the Shady Rest Hotel

by performers stranded
in the Hooterville area."

Who's stranded?

Hooterville or us?

What else do they say, Harry?

Who said that?

Me. What was that?

What else does he say?

Oh. Uh, "Carson is a big windbag

"and a sucker for show people.

"Pete Lang, Hawkeye Carny Show,

"suggests mentioning
fact Carson produced

"Hooterville Talent
Contest in 1945

"and was ringmaster of
Elks Club circus in 1952.

"Caution: avoid
owner, Kate Bradley.

She's murder."

What's our next move?

To find our windbag.

Come on, honey.

Excuse me, sir. Yeah?

I wonder if you could help me.

I'm looking for a gentleman
by the name of Joe Carson.

Do you know him?

Does Joe Carson
owe you any money?

Oh, no... as a matter of fact,

I might be giving
him some money.

I'm Joe Carson.

The Joe Carson?

Why, it's not possible.

It certainly isn't.

I mean, uh, you're
such a simple man.

But you never know.

You never know what?

Mr. Carson, my card.

"Harry Harman, proprietor,
Sills-Harman Circus."

You in the show business?

Well, of course I'm
in show business.

I'm here, Mr. Carson,
because Pete Lang told me

you're the only man
in show business

that could help me. Pete Lang?

Yes, you remember Pete
Lang, summer of, uh, '52.

The Elks Club circus.

Pete said if it
hadn't been for you,

there wouldn't have
been any performance.

Yeah, Pete Lang.

He probably saw
me ringmastering.

He was having a little
trouble with the dancing bear.

I taught him a couple of steps.

Wasn't much.

It doesn't sound like much.

That's not the way
Pete Lang tells it.

According to him,
you're the best

little show doctor
in the country.

And Doc, I've got a
sick circus on my hands.

Do you think you
could have my circus

on its feet in, say, two weeks?

Well, uh, that depends.

You're absolutely right.

It depends on
how hard we'll work

to incorporate your
creative suggestions

for the rehabilitation
and rejuvenation

of our fun-filled
little extravaganza.

Am I right, Doc?

Well, uh, yes, but, uh...

No buts about it, Doc.

You're calling the
shots from here on in.

You're the doctor, Doc.

Now, where are
your offices located?

Offices?

Yeah.

Uh... well, I live at
the Shady Rest Hotel.

Ah, if that's where you want us,

that's where we're going to be.

You're the doctor, Doc.

Now, you see, the
trouble with our show

is the first 45 minutes.

You know what I mean, Doc?

Nothing seems to happen.

So, when Mr. Harman
came to me with his problem,

I suggested we make
this our headquarters.

Oh, you suggested it?

That's right... you
see, if we're all

under the same roof,
I can doctor the show

while they're on
their two-week layoff.

Oh, they're out of work, huh?

Oh, that's a bad choice
of words, Mrs. Bradley.

Why, the Sills-Harman
Circus hasn't been out of work

for 15 years, right, Mary?

Right, Mrs. Bradley.

The only reason we're
standing here right now

is that my husband
is a perfectionist.

He's constantly pumping
new blood into our company.

Yes, sir, and when it
comes to new blood,

you just don't take chances.

You get the best doctor in town.

And I can't think
of a better man

than old Doc Carson.

Doc Carson?

That's just an expression we use

in the show business, Kate.

Uh, Mrs. Bradley, I presume you

have enough rooms for all of us?

The whole circus?

Oh, no, no.

I was referring to
my executive staff.

Mr. Tingling, Mr. Farnum
and Mr. Haley.

Tingling, Farnum and Haley.

They're part of my organization.

Uh, Mrs. Bradley, I'll be
taking care of all the bills.

Tell me, are you a member
of the, uh, Wayfarers Club?

No.

How about the, uh...

the Bill of the Month Club?

I'm afraid not.

Son of a gun.

I never thought
that I'd see the time

when anybody would
go for good old solid cash.

Uh, could I impose on you

for a little favor,
Mrs. Bradley?

Would you keep my
jewels in your safe?

Oh, well, we don't have a safe.

You don't?

Harry, let's go someplace else.

Oh, Mary, forget it.

Mrs. Bradley looks honest.

Besides, these jewels
are insured for $20,000.

May we have the key,
Mrs. Bradley, please?

Thank you... thank
you very much.

Uh, will you have the bellboy

bring our bags
upstairs in a little while?

I want to tell you, this

is a charming
place, isn't it, honey?

Look at that staircase.

Look at that elevator.

I'm so glad old Doc Carson
talked us into staying here.

Uh, just a second, Doc.

Now that the patients
have been put in their room,

would you mind answering
a question for Nurse Bradley?

What sanitarium did
you meet them in?

Pete Lang told them about me.

Pete Lang... who's Pete Lang?

You remember him.

He was around
when I ringmastered

that Elks Club circus.

Oh, yeah, when you...

when you taught the dancing
bear those fancy steps.

Who's Pete Lang?

Well, you remember him.

He's that nice-looking
fellow with the little mustache.

He wore an overcoat just like
the one Mr. Harman has on.

Here, Max.

Now, remember.

You're John L. Tingling.

John L. Tingling.

Welcome to the Shady Rest.

Thank you.

Well, here you
are, Mr. Tingling.

Room three, top of the stairs.

Oh, by the way, uh,

when will Mr. Farnum
and Mr. Haley be here?

They ought to be here

just about the time
I hang up this coat.

Well, here you are, Mr. Farnum.

Room two.

Well, thank you.

Beat it, you mutt.

Did I hear a voice coming
out of that suitcase?

Kate, these circus people
are all ventro-triloquists.

That right?

Oh, oh, oh, yeah-yeah, yeah.

Take me upstairs.

I guess you'd better
take him upstairs.

I've seen that coat before,

but not in the
small economy size.

All circus people
dress eccentric.

The important thing
is business is booming,

and we stand to make
nothing but money.

I wish I was as sure
about the money

as I am about the nothing.

Stop worrying...
we're dealing with one

of the biggest
outfits in the country.

You got a look at Mrs.
Harman's jewels, didn't you?

Not with a magnifying glass.

There's something about
this whole setup I don't like.

Something smells awful fishy.

Pardon me, lady, I'm Mr. Haley.

Am I the last to arrive?

And the first to leave.

Get him out of here.

This is Cecil, my pet seal.

He goes everywhere I go.

Except upstairs.

Hey, now, wait a minute.

If he can't stay,
then I won't stay.

And neither will Mr. Harman

or Mr. Tingling or Mr. Farnum!

I'll tell them while
they're checking out.

Now, get him out...
Wait a minute, Kate.

Mr. Haley, fortunate
for you, you've picked

one of the few
hotels in the country

that has its own special
seal accommodations.

This way... I'll show you.

Uncle Joe, I'm warning you.

These two better be the last.

Come on, Cecil.

Hey, cut it out!

Hey, girls, come on down.

Why? We just got in.

Yeah, the water's wonderful.

It's nice and warm.

One of our guests
wants to go swimming.

There's plenty of room.

Yeah, why don't you
have him come on up?

Who is he?

Well, his name is Cecil.

We'll be right down.

All right, come on, fellows.

Let's go.

Shh.

Who is it?

Oh, K-Kate Bradley.

I'd like to make up your room.

Uh, just a minute, Mrs. Bradley.

I'm not decent.

I'll be right with
you, Mrs. Bradley.

Calm down.

Sit down and relax.

It'll be all right.

Ow! Ooh!

Sorry, Merv.

Come in, Mrs. Bradley.

I'm sorry to disturb you,

but I'd like to
make up the room.

Sure, honey, go right ahead.

You're going to catch cold.

Let me close that window.

Oh, that's all
right, Mrs. Bradley.

We show people
are used to fresh air.

Well, then, I'll make the bed.

Oh, don't do that!

Why not?

We show people
are very superstitious

about strangers making our beds.

We always like to
make them ourselves.

Oh... well,

I wish I had more guests
that are superstitious.

All right, then.

I'll just, uh, leave
you the towels.

Where are the towels?

Towels?

You see any towels, Mary?

No. You're going to bring
us some, aren't you, honey?

I had six towels when
I came into this room.

Oh, you just thought
you had them.

Oh, no, no, no, I had them.

Well, they're not here.

Now, look, Mr. Harman,
when I came in... Hold it!

It just came to me.

Now I know where
I've seen you before.

Mary and I have been
trying to remember.

In the movies.

Oh, no, I've never
been in the movies.

Oh, then, it must
have been in television.

You mean to tell me you've never

been a star in show
business before?

No. Can you believe that, Mary?

It seems impossible!

A beautiful, talented
woman like this,

and Hollywood has ignored her.

Well, they're not going
to get away with it.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to get in
touch with my agent

the first thing in the morning

and see that this
situation is remedied.

But... That's all right.

Don't thank me.

I owe it to the American public.

Yeah?

Mr. Harman, when
you talk to your agent...

would you ask him if he
knows where the towels are?

Mom, how many cans of
mackerel shall I give to Cecil?

I don't know.

Boy, that seal
eats like a horse.

So do his friends.

Oh, watch it.

More corn, Mom.

That's the third
time I filled that up.

Hey, Mom, what
are we going to eat?

How many cans of
mackerel have we got left?

Bring it over here, Billie Jo.

I haven't had a bite to eat.

There you go.

Oh, certainly.

Can we have some more
chicken, honey, please?

That's your third
helping of chicken.

How can you eat so much?

Ah, guess it's the country air.

Another platter?

I've fried 12 chickens.

They asked for more.

Get Uncle Joe.

Uncle Joe, Mom wants
to see you in the kitchen.

Might just as well.

I ain't doing any good here.

Oh, honey, can we have
some more corn, please?

All right, beat it...
The coast is clear.

In the three days
they've been here,

they've consumed a grand total

of 72 pork chops, 174 eggs,

eight pounds of butter,
22 gallons of milk,

22 apple pies and a
five-pound box of candy

the girls were going to
give me for Mother's Day.

Don't blame me.

All I've got to show
for the last three days

is a bent fork and spoon.

What I want to know is,

where are they putting it all?

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Uncle Joe, Uncle Joe!

Uncle Joe.

Kate, I'm busy
doctoring the circus.

Uncle Joe, I just saw
a little man, that high,

come out of the bathroom.

A little man?

Oh, come now.

I tell you, I saw him.

And he went in that room.

Would you mind telling
me what you're doing...

Where's the little man?

Little man?

Why, there's no
little man in here.

Do you mind if I look?

Help yourself.

Hey, I'm hot.

Shh.

Find him?

No.

Kate, you had
better go lie down.

You've been working too hard.

I tell you, I saw a little man.

Uncle Joe!

What's the matter?

Th-There's a man
walking on my clothesline.

What man?

Him.

Well, there... there...

there was a man
walking on my clothesline.

Yeah, Kate.

Is that smoke?

Uncle Joe! Uncle Joe!

Now what?

Look outside.

What do you want
me to look at? He...

There was a man out there

with fire coming
out of his mouth.

Oh, it's probably one of
our guests with heartburn.

He wasn't one of our guests.

I have never seen him before.

Now, Uncle Joe,
there are a lot of people

in this hotel who
have not registered.

Kate, you're seeing things.

I have seen
everything but money.

Now, I want you to go upstairs,

and you tell Mr. Harman
I want him to take care

of the bill, and I
want him to do it

right now. JOE:
Now, wait a minute.

Either you ask
him or I'll ask him.

You'll ask me
what, Mrs. Bradley?

Isn't it a beautiful day?

Yes, it is a beautiful day.

Now, then, you were going

to ask me something,
Mrs. Bradley?

Yes, Mr. Harman, I...

Well, I'm afraid it
will have to wait,

because I'm going
to ask you something.

Now, I hate to start the
day off with a complaint.

Complaint? Well, I don't
know what else you'd call it.

You see, I've been in this
hotel of yours for ten days now,

and you have yet to
present me with a bill.

Well, I...

I'm not interested
in your excuses.

Can you imagine what
financial shape I'd be in

if I ran my circus the
way you run your hotel?

You folks ought to be
ashamed of yourselves.

Well, I... I-I...

Mrs. Bradley, may
I please have a bill?

Is this my bill, Mrs. Bradley?

Yes, it is.

Well, I would like
the entire bill, please.

Well, that... that's
the entire bill.

Oh, that's it, huh?

All righty.

There you are.

Oh, and Mrs.
Bradley, in the future,

let's keep our accounts
up-to-date, shall we?

See you at rehearsal.

And you were worried.

Well, I got to go doctor
the show some more.

What's this?

"Nonpaying directory for
show business people"?

Got the Shady Rest in it, too.

With a mention of
windbag Joe Carson

and murderous Kate Bradley.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I direct your attention
to the Sills-Harman...

What is that?
Re-doctored Circus.

Okay, let's speed it up!

Everybody, let's get
this show on the road!

Nice work, Doc.

Why do we have to
go through this routine?

You like good food, don't you?

Sure.

Then keep throwing the knives

and don't make waves.

Uncle Joe, what in the world?

Hey, Mom, look at me.

Betty Jo, you get
down from there.

But this is fun.

Look at me, Mom.

Uncle Joe, did you
hear what I said?

Stop this thing immediately.

Now now, Kate.

I...

Uncle Joe, your friend,
Harman, is a fraud.

His name ain't Claude.

It's Cecil. It's what?

Louder, and with more feeling.

Uncle Joe, let me
tell you something.

Betty Jo, I told you to
get down from there.

But this is fun.

You get down... Oh!

Billie Jo, you get out of there.

Mom, it isn't dangerous.

I said to get out of there.

But Mom, Mrs.
Harman never misses.

Out.

What have I ever
done to deserve this?

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like your attention.

I have an announcement to make.

Oh, boy, lunch!

Hold it, hold it. Hold it,
hold it, come on back.

The dining room is closed.

Forever.

Now, just a minute,
Mrs. Bradley.

As a paying guest, I'm
afraid I'll have to object.

You're not a paying guest.

You're a signing guest.

But Kate, that ain't... Quiet.

You're not even a guest.

Mr. Harman, I found

this little guidebook
under your bed.

How many times have I told you?

Be neat!

Now, then, you all
have exactly 15 minutes

to pack and leave.

But Kate, I ain't...
You've got ten.

But Mom, you
can't throw them out.

Where will they go?

Oh, well, let's see now.

Um... hmm.

"May I suggest
Crabwell Corners Inn.

"See Frida Grayson.

"She is good for two
weeks free room and board

by telling her that she
looks like Elizabeth Taylor."

I knew it wouldn't work.

Yeah, you knew it wouldn't work.

You think everybody's
as stupid as you are.

No, as stupid as
you are... that's all.

Oh, I'd like... Oh,
you'd like that?

Why don't we go to
your mother's place?

About through?

Yeah, this is the last room.

And boy, what a mess.

I've been taking inventory,

and this is what we had
that we don't have now.

18 towels, 22 knives, 18 forks,

seven spoons, 12 ashtrays and...

my grandmother's picture.

Grandma's picture?

Well, they left the picture,
but they took the frame,

and that is an all-time record

for things swiped at
the Shady Rest Hotel.

And they seemed
like such nice people.

And they taught me so much.

Ta-da!

Forget it.

Now that you're all
finished, you can all line up

outside the bathroom
door for a nice, hot bath.

Hey! Oh, boy!

Me first, for a change.

Uncle Joe, Uncle Joe!

What's the matter, Kate?

Your friends forgot something.

When you're through,

be sure and scrub
the ring off the tub.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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