Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 2, Episode 19 - Hooterville Crime Wave - full transcript

A pair of escaped convicts
are on the loose in Hooterville

and Uncle Joe figures
he's just the bounty hunter

who can bring them in.

Bert Freed is featured
as Detective Horton.

A bit of trivia here:

Freed was actually
the first actor

to play the role of
Lieutenant Columbo

in a 1960 episode of
The Chevy Mystery Show.

Of course, the character
would later be made famous

by Peter Falk.

There's also a fun
reference to our sister show,



The Beverly Hillbillies,
in this episode.

A bit of a preview
of things to come

when writer Jay Sommers launched

our surreal spin-off
series Green Acres

the following season.

But now let's find out

if Uncle Joe can restore
peace to the valley

in "The Hooterville Crime Wave."

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪



(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

(gunfire)

(alarm blaring)

(clamoring)

(automatic gunfire)

MAN (over radio): Attention
all cars, prison break.

Execute plan two.

Repeat, execute plan two.

(siren blaring,
tires screeching)

Attention, State Police
units seven and 12,

two escaped convicts... Barney
Dawson and Max James...

Believe headed for
the Hooterville valley.

(brakes squealing)

Hello, Sam.

Morning, Kate.

Hi, Sam.

Got a couple of
letters for you, Kate.

Oh, thank you.

Anything for me?

Get in line at the window.

What?

If you want your mail,
get in line at the window.

Kate didn't have
to stand in line.

Kate don't write letters
to the postmaster general

complaining how I
run this post office.

What do you mean, Sam?

Here, read this.

"Dear Postmaster Drucker,
we have received a letter

"from a Mr. Joseph Carson

"charging that you operate
the Hooterville post office

"in a lax and inefficient
manner, which has resulted in

considerable
financial loss to him."

Considerable financial loss.

You probably lost
your bubble gum money

through a hole in your pocket,

and you're trying to get the
government to pay you back.

The considerable financial loss

I was referring to are the
rewards I could've claimed

for the capture of criminals
whose wanted pictures

are put up on the walls
of un-lax-run post offices.

And you wrote to the
postmaster general about it?

He charged the nickel
stamp to your account.

Sam.

Next time you want to mail
a letter complaining about

the Hooterville post
office, mail it from Pixley.

Uncle Joe, how could
you do such a thing?

Kate, you don't know how much

reward money there
is floating around.

All I got to do is put the
handcuffs on one crook.

You haven't got any handcuffs.

All you've got is
that phony badge.

What phony badge?

This one.

Member C.I.A.

C.I.A.?

You know what that is?

Chicken Inspectors Anonymous?

Criminal Investigators Alliance.

What's that?

An alliance of
criminal investigators.

Men carefully
selected for the fact...

For the fact that they
had a dollar and a half

to subscribe to this.

Honest Crime Monthly.

They give away that phony
badge with a year's subscription.

It ain't phony.

Why didn't you
subscribe for two years?

You could've got a recording
of John Dillinger's last words.

"In this issue, a
true fact article:

'How I Finked On My Father.'"

Mm, she looks like
such a wholesome girl.

Is that my magazine?

What's your name?

You know my name.

I forgot it.

Rudolph Valentino.

There's nothing
here for Valentino.

Maybe there's something
here for Carson.

Kit or Mindy?

Joe Carson!

Oh, Joe Carson.

Oh, you're the fella that wrote
to the postmaster general.

Do I get my magazine?

Get in line at the window.

I don't run a lax and
inefficient post office.

Sam.

Get in line.

Okay, give me my magazine.

Window's closed. What?

I always close it at, uh, 11:21.

Kate, will you...

Oh, I don't blame Sam
for being mad at you.

I'm pretty mad at you myself,

throwing away a dollar and
a half on that junky magazine.

Kate, even if they hadn't
given me the badge,

that's the best
investment I ever made.

If you want to learn
how to fink on your father.

It's not the do-it-
yourself articles

I'm referring to.

It's a reward notice

that they print every month

giving the names
and descriptions

of wanted criminals.

And you expect to capture
criminals in Hooterville?

Kate, criminals are everywhere.

Why, any minute,
that door could open

and one could walk
right in. (door opens)

How do you do?

If you'd have put
them posters up where

you're supposed to, I could
tell you what he's wanted for.

I beg your pardon?

Don't pay no attention to him.

What can I do for you?

Looking for the sheriff.

We don't have one.

We don't need one.

There's no crime in
Hooterville; it's against the law.

Isn't there any law
enforcement officer here?

BOTH: Me.

I'm official, he's phony.

What?

Mr. Drucker's the
justice of the peace.

Uncle Joe is...

Sam's the man
you want to talk to.

Detective Sergeant
Horton, State Police.

Now, there's a badge!

What can I do for you?

I'm looking for these two men.

Let me see them.

This is official state business.

Sam.

Write a letter to the governor.

They sure are mean-looking.

They're two of the toughest
cons we ever had in the state pen.

Had?!

They escaped three days ago.

B-B-But you don't think
they're anywhere around here.

Sure, he does. Thanks a lot.

He wouldn't be going around

giving them police picture
postcards as souvenirs.

We had a tip they were
heading in this direction,

but don't worry, we've got
the valley pretty well covered.

Well, uh, the valley's
a pretty big place.

They could hole
up almost anywhere.

Fred Ziffle's, Ben Miller's.

Best place would
be the Shady Rest.

That's Kate's hotel.

Good food, no phone,
25 miles from town.

Please, Uncle Joe,
no commercials.

Advise you to keep all your
doors and windows locked.

Don't let any strangers in.

Of course, we'll have to count
on everyone's cooperation.

Uh, how much reward money
you giving for their capture?

None.

Then you can't count on mine.

Uncle Joe is strictly
a catch-for-cash man.

I wouldn't advise you to try
capturing these men yourself.

They're killers!

Us Alliance men
ain't afraid of nobody.

What alliance?

Show him your tin badge, Joe.

It ain't tin.

No, it, uh... (clears throat)
feels more like plastic.

How'd you get that?

The Alliance ain't
gonna like this.

C.I.A.?!

Yeah.

They still publishing
that junky magazine?

I should hope to fink
on my father they are.

(train whistle blows twice)

Sounds like Charley and
Floyd getting ready to pull out.

Yeah, Uncle Joe, come on.

I want to get back to the hotel.

I just remembered,
there's nobody there,

and I left every door
and window open.

Kate, maybe I better
hang around here

and give the sergeant a hand.

You're gonna let me go
out there all by myself?

There ain't nothing
to be scared of.

Besides, you got the badge.

Come on.

If you want any advice,
just drop by the Shady Rest.

Be glad to give you the benefit
of my criminal tendencies.

There's one in every town.

(bell clanging)

(brakes squealing)

(whispers): Kate.

(whimpers)

You'd better wait here.

This is man's work.

Then you better
let one of us go first.

Shh!

You want them two
convicts to hear us?

We don't know
if they're in there.

That's what we're
gonna find out.

Joe... Shh!

(whispers): Joe.

(whispers): What?

Here, hold this.

(blows nose)

Shh!

Thanks.

Excuse me.

Kate.

There's nobody in there.

How do you know?

I looked through the window.

Kate, I wish you'd
let me handle this.

There's nobody in there.

Mighty quiet in here.

Floyd, you search upstairs.

Charley, you take the kitchen.

What gives you the
right to order us around?

This.

What's that?

Plastic badge.

It's tin.

Member C.I.A.

I once knew a fella who
was a member of the NRA.

Would you fellas
mind looking around?

Oh, sure, Kate.

You know, Uncle Joe,
it-it-it just occurred to me

that the dog didn't
bark when we came up.

Probably heard the news on
the radio and took to the woods.

The radio isn't working.

If that dog's been in
my newspaper again...

Here, boy. Boy.

Here, boy.

You call me, Kate?

She's calling the dog, stupid.

Kate would never
call that dog stupid.

Get on with your searching.

It's strange.

I wonder where he is.

(barking)

Come on, Max. Oh, I'm-I'm tired!

We got to keep going!

You want, you want
the cops to pick you up?

Well, at least I'll
get something to eat.

I'm hungry! You
should've stayed in the pen!

Could've been stuffing your
face with slops and gravy!

Oh, cut it out, Barney.

You're making me homesick.

You want to get
something to eat? Oh, yeah.

All you have to do
is follow the dog.

He's got to get home sometime.

Maybe he ain't got a home.

Maybe he's on the lam like us.

Which way, boy?

(barking)

He's been saying the same
thing for the last three hours.

All he's doing is trying
to tell us to follow him.

How do you know?

Because I always watch Lassie.

Come on.

Hey, maybe he's
leading us to the cops.

I know dogs; this
one ain't no fink.

(barking)

You never know who's a fink.

I was reading an article
in Honest Crime magazine,

and that crummy dame...

Nobody calls my
kid a crummy dame!

Don't get sore, Barney.

I-I didn't say nothing
about her writing.

You didn't?

(barking)

Okay.

Come on, boy.

(barking)

Here, boy!

Here, boy!

He's not around.

Sure wish he'd come on home.

Yeah, I'd sure feel a lot safer
with those men on the loose.

Well, I don't say there's
nothing to worry about,

but the valley is being
covered by the state police.

But they're not out here.

What if the convicts showed up?

(chuckles): I don't
think they will.

(knock at door)

(gasps, shudders)

W-Who's that?

Who's there? JOE: It's me.

Oh.

Kind of stupid, opening
that door to a stranger.

Should have asked me to
show you some identification.

I thought you were in the lobby.

I was outside
checking the premises.

Why?

Because he locked himself out.

If I'd have wanted in

there's a key
under the front mat.

There's a key
under the front ma...

Uncle Joe!

I sure wish the dog
would come home.

KATE: Oh, no!

What's the matter?

Oh, no.

What in the world?

Pretty good job of
security-ing, huh?

Uncle Joe, what
did you do that for?

To keep the convicts from
coming in through the window.

Take it down.

In the words of the Alliance,

"An ounce of prevention is
worth two ounces of crime."

What alliance?

That one.

BETTY JO: "This hotel
protected by the C.I.A."

Since when does the
Central Intelligence Agency

protect hotels?

What's the Central
Intelligence Agency?

The C.I.A.

They're going to get
into a lot of trouble

when the Alliance finds out
they're swiping their initials.

Not as much trouble
as you're gonna get into

if you don't take
that furniture down.

Kate, there's a right
way of doing things

and then there's
the Alliance way.

Exactly. Take it down.

Okay, if you want them
coming in through the windows.

They won't have to.

As long as you're
obliging enough

to leave the key under
the doormat for them.

I'll get it.

(screams)

Oh!

CHARLEY: It's us.

Get 'em to show you
some identification.

Everything all right in here?

Yes, but you gave
us quite a start.

We didn't hear the train.

We're rigged for silent running.

We ain't seen nothing of the
dog, but we'll keep looking.

Oh, thank you, Charley.

We'll check in with you
after every run. Good.

Don't bother.

The Alliance is handling
things around here.

Oh, Kate, you know
this is under the doormat?

Now, Kate.

Oh, tell it to the Alliance.

As soon as you're finished
we can have supper.

It's time to eat
yet? (dog barking)

Must be... the dog's back.

Aren't you going to ask
him for identification?

I'd know that unfriendly
bark anywhere.

Maybe it's a cocker
spaniel disguising his voice.

It's him.

Finally came home.

Yeah, and he brought company.

(gasps) Oh, th-the convicts!

That stupid dog... Shut up!

One peep out of
you and you get it.

Leave him...!

Hold it! Stay where
you are, Blondie.

You can put your hands down now.

You run this joint?

Yes, I do.

Hey, what is it?

It's a hotel.

When did they condemn it?

(chuckles) Shut up.

What's the handle, Blondie?

If you're asking my
name, it's Kate Bradley.

I'm Barney Dawson,
this is Max James.

I'd like to say I'm delighted
to meet you, but I'm not.

You ain't gonna look
any better with a fat lip.

(clears throat)

And who are you?

None of your business.

When I ask you something
polite, answer me polite.

None of your
business... thank you.

Yeah.

They're my daughters.

Well, you got names.

B-B-B-Billie Jo Bradley.

Betty Jo Bradley.

Bobbie Jo Bradley.

Hey, they're twins.

And who are you?

I'm ju... I'm...
Chicken Jo Bradley.

Anyone else here?

Twen-twen-twenty
state troopers, upstairs.

Look, you... You
leave my mom alone!

Take a look upstairs.

You, uh, getting tired?

Oh!

You big bully!

Uncle Joe, do something!

(gasps)

If his friends at the Alliance
could only see him now.

Don't hit me. Uncle Joe...

Don't hit me. Wake up.

He's a real big
help to you, ain't he?

Upstairs is clean.

Well, of course it is. I
scrubbed it this morning.

I mean, there's nobody up there.

You know what they
got in one of the rooms?

This big, white thing on legs.

That's a bathtub.

How would you
expect him to know?

Look, Blondie, no cracks.

I'm as dangerous
as the next guy.

Uh, you know, fellas,
there's nobody here now,

but they'll be checking in soon.

We-We're expecting
a convention of, um...

police chiefs.

They-They-They
just love this spot.

This is a real
busy place, ain't it?

Very busy, very busy.

Nobody's checked
in here in five weeks.

Yeah, but you-you-you
never can tell.

You know, a-a-a convention
could drop in at any time.

Well, I-I remember once
when J. Edgar Hoover

showed up with 200
FBI men just like that...

Shut up! I'm shut.

Get this straight...
We ain't leaving.

But you see...

Them woods out there
are full of state cops.

Yeah, but they're bound
to get here sooner or later.

Yeah, and then bang, bang.

And you wouldn't want to be
caught dead at the Shady Rest.

(laughing)

We're staying. You're staying.

The police will get you.

They get us, we get you.

Well, that wasn't bad.

We enjoyed watching you eat it.

Yes. Took away our appetites.

That little one's got a mouth.

Where'd you get the chicken?

They got a market around here?

They grow their own. How?

From eggs.

You mean they plant 'em?

Ain't you ever done
time in a prison farm?

Come on.

Everybody inside.

Move, move.

We've got to do the dishes.

Leave 'em.

I'd like to have
another piece of pie.

Cut yourself a piece.

There isn't any more.

Oh, sure there is.

Where's the knife, Kate?

Okay, okay, where's the knife?

Knife?

Oh, here it is.

Put it there.

All right, inside. Inside.

Go on, Blondie.

Yo!

Everybody sit down.

And no funny stuff.

Where's the TV?

(stammers): We don't have one.

You never seen The
Beverly Hillbillies?

No.

Oh, it's a gas.

Take that skinny
old crow, Granny.

I'm tellin' you...

I'll tell you what I'll do.

When we get out of here, I'll
knock over a discount house

and send you a set.

Thank you.

See anything?

Nah, it's quiet like an
outdoor undertaking parlor.

Where do you go for excitement?

Hooterville.

There you go with
that mouth again.

That's the name of
the town... Hooterville.

The one at the other
end of the track is Pixley.

Pixley?

Yeah, that's what they
do for fun around here...

They sit around and laugh
at the names of the towns.

If it's fun you want,

there's a pool table in
back of the barber shop.

Yeah, why don't you
go in and shoot a game?

Oops. Sorry.

Pool ain't exciting.

It is on that table.

One of the legs is
shorter than the others.

Uh, the train go through on
that uh, track you mentioned?

Yes, right past the hotel.

Does it stop here at night?

Sometimes, but not tonight.

Didn't Floyd and Charley
say they were coming back?

Whose side are you on?

Keep an eye out for 'em.

Who's Floyd and Charley?

They-they-they're just a
couple of nice old men.

It's too late for them
to come back tonight.

Matter of fact, it's
way past our bedtime.

Well, good night, everybody.

Sit down! Sit down.

Nobody leaves this
room, understand?

Do you speak Spanish?

No.

Why?

Well, uh, Betty
Jo is studying it

and she should be
doing her homework.

Yes, I have to do my homework.

This ain't no time to
be doing homework.

If the kid has to do her
homework, let her do it.

Thanks.

Okay.

You know, small change,
I got a daughter, too.

She's a writer.

Isn't that a coincidence?

Betty Jo has to write
her story in Spanish.

A story?

Yeah, a great idea...
All about a dog.

I'd like to write a story about a
dog, with an unhappy ending.

Shut up.

What's the story about?

Mom knows it in English.

I only know it in Spanish.

Yes, it's-it's all
about this lady

who has a dog, but she can't
get out, so she sends the dog

to Señor Drucker with a note.

And the note is in Spanish,

and because most people
don't understand Spanish...

This is Spanish.

"Ayudenos. Los
reos escapados..."

"Help us. The escaped
convicts have taken us prisoners."

What?!

The story lost something
in the translation.

Maybe I didn't do
time in a prison farm,

but I did a hitch
in a can in Tijuana.

(laughing)

I warned you that...
(knocking at door)

Ask who it is.

(quivering voice):
Who... who is it?

Charley. And Floyd.

Come in.

Eh... Oh, howdy, Kate.

Well, hi, Floyd.

Hi, Charley. Hi! Hi.

Are you the guys
that run the train?

That ain't Floyd and Charley.

It ain't?

Drop it!

Get away from them.

Pick it up.

(thud)

Hold it.

You shoot us, you shoot them.

(thudding)

How about that?

This hotel is
protected by the C.I.A.

(laughing)

Is that better?

Yeah.

Ooh.

Well, anyway, the dog
come running up to the store

and started barking and
wouldn't quit till we followed him.

I told you the dog was a fink.

That dog's C.I.A. material.

I trained him myself.

The dog didn't
happen to have a note

written in Spanish
with him, did he?

If he did, I wouldn't
have been able to read it.

You know, what I
don't understand

is how the dog got out.

That's right. Everything
down here was locked.

The upstairs windows weren't.

Well, you don't think that
he jumped down from...

(barking)

I guess he did.

Sam, Sergeant Horton, I
don't know how to thank you.

Better thank Floyd
and Charley, too.

They helped... answering
in their own voices

so's you wouldn't
get suspicious.

Where are they?

Outside.

Floyd, Charley.

Yeah, Kate?

Where were you
when I was capturing

them two desperate criminals?

Where were you?

I wasn't outside hiding.

We wasn't hiding.

We couldn't come in.

No, we loaned Sam and
the Sergeant our overalls.

Floyd Smoot!

(women laughing)

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

This has been a
Filmways Presentation.