Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 2, Episode 18 - Kate Bradley, Girl Volunteer - full transcript
Hooterville finally has their Volunteer Fire Department, but find they are unable to put out a fire that started on the Cannonball Express.
Hooterville's volunteer
fire department
leaves a little
something to be desired
when it comes to battling
a blaze on the Cannonball,
or anywhere else
for that matter.
It's time to send
in reinforcements,
so let's see who
comes to the rescue
in this episode entitled
"Kate Bradley, Girl Volunteer."
(train whistle blows)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows)
It's not in here, Mom.
Come back here, you.
Are you sure?
Oh, now stop that.
Get out of there.
How could a whole gallon of
stove polish just disappear?
Wait a second.
Billie Jo?
Yes, ma'am?
No, she's still a blonde.
Mom's missing a
gallon of stove polish.
You don't think I dye my hair
with stove polish?
What do you dye it with?
There've been an
awful lot of things
disappearing around here lately.
My best apron, and
somebody snipped
the middle right out
of my clothesline.
Well, I can't find the handle
to the carpet sweeper, either.
You know, I wonder
what... (loud bang) Oh!
(glass shattering)
What was that?
The Cannonball.
I told Charley to watch
the steam pressure.
(loud bang)
(crashing)
Then it couldn't have
been the Cannonball.
It wouldn't have
blown up twice in a row.
Never has.
But whatever it was,
it was awful close.
Come on!
Uncle Joe?
I...
Did you hear it?
Hear it?
It nearly blew us
out of the kitchen.
Wonder if they got the
message in Hooterville.
If they did, they're probably
calling up the National Guard.
I'm only firing blanks.
Hey, this is the handle
to the carpet sweeper.
(sniffing) Ugh.
Mom's apron.
I had to have something
soft to swab with.
Why didn't you use your head?
Hey, you can stop worrying
what happened to
your stove polish.
Yeah, I took just
about a gallon.
Kate, would you believe
this is the same old cannon
that was resting out in
front of the courthouse
gathering pigeons?
No, I wouldn't.
Well, this is the piece
out of a clothesline.
(booming) (screaming)
Don't do that again.
The volunteers are only
expecting three test blasts.
Another one will bring
that fire department train
a-roaring out here to
extinguish the hotel.
You mean this thing
has something to do
with the fire department?
I know.
Instead of these
fire alarm rockets,
you're going to give everyone in
the valley one of these cannons.
Of course not.
Oh, thank goodness.
I'd hate to think
what would happen
if you put temptation in
the way of that many people.
Instead of sarcasting at me,
why don't you give me
a chance to explain?
As a chief, I've
always been worried
about the one weak
link in the fire department.
So you decided to resign.
"What would happen if
a farmhouse caught fire
"and the owner was to
fire off his alarm rocket
and the volunteers was to
sleep through it?" I asked myself.
"The farmer would stand
more than an even chance
of saving his farm,"
you answered.
This may be a little complicated
for the female intellect.
This cannon is...
Is to wake up volunteers
in case a rocket goes off.
Who's going to fire it?
Well, I guess
everybody will take a turn
standing rocket watch.
What were you saying
about female intellect?
Well, anybody could
use the telephone
after Edison invented it.
Ed...
Uncle Joe, I'm not
having the volunteers
hanging around this
hotel night after night,
waiting to fire off that cannon.
Now, there's the
female intellect for you.
They ain't going to
be hanging around.
Whoever has sky watch duty
can take the cannon
home with him.
How about when it's your turn?
I don't take a turn.
I'm the chief.
Back to the weak link.
Look... Um, Uncle Joe, as chief,
you are responsible for
everything, aren't you?
You're doggone right, I am.
Yeah, well, uh, why don't
you go out to the kitchen
and clean up the
mess this thing made?
Well, I... Uncle
Joe, either that
or I'm sending the cannon
back to the courthouse pigeons.
Hi, Joe.
Rinsing out your dainties?
It's Kate's apron.
He does nice work, Charley.
Would you like to
take on our overalls?
Hey, did you hear the
signal cannon in Hooterville?
Yeah. We was in Sam's store.
Knocked three cans of
molasses off of his shelf.
Sam wanted to resign
from the volunteers.
Yeah, we told him he couldn't.
He's stuck with the job.
Stuck with the job.
Hey, that's pretty funny.
Molasses, stuck with the job.
You get it, Charley?
I'm the one that said it.
Yeah, but did you get it?
Take that signal cannon
over to Fred Ziffel's.
He's got the duty tonight.
Fred won't be doing any duty.
He's got a mighty
sick pig on his hands.
Can't Doris look after it?
That pig don't like Doris.
Neither does Fred.
Take it over to Ben Miller's.
He's next on the schedule.
Ben's busy.
What about Newt Kiley?
Newt Kiley's having
trouble with his well.
Yeah, he fell in.
Excuses, excuses.
What about Sam?
Well, Sam's going to be
mopping molasses all night.
Can't he look out the window
at the sky once in a while?
He wouldn't see much.
He's got the broken panes in
his windows full of newspapers.
That cannon sure is powerful.
You know, it broke the
windshield in Dr. Stuart's car.
There's a lot of opposition
to that cannon in
Hooterville, Joe.
Well, wait till there's a fire
and the horse will
be on the other foot.
Why don't we get one
of them klaxon horns
like the Crabwell Corners
volunteers has got?
Crabwell Corners.
That's about all they
got's a klaxon horn.
Oh, they got a firehouse
to put the horn on.
We don't need a firehouse.
Because we ain't
got a fire engine.
We don't need a fire engine
because we got the train.
They got one of the
best chiefs in the county.
Now, Charley, how
can you say that?
Bink Sharfells can't
hold a candle to Joe.
Thanks, Floyd.
I've seen Bink's wash
and it don't come out
half as clean as Joe's.
Good night, dear. Good night.
You know, it's
pretty cold outside
for Uncle Joe to
be sky watching.
Oh, he's sky
watching in the lobby.
Oh.
Oh, what about the cannon?
What about it?
Is it inside or outside?
I don't know.
Uncle Joe?
Playing checkers.
Oh.
Checkers?
Aren't Billie and Bobbie asleep?
Yeah.
Then who's Uncle
Joe playing with?
Go on. Move.
We haven't got all night.
Go on.
That was a dumb move.
Go on, stupid.
It's your move again.
Uncle Joe, where is the... Shh!
Birdbrain's concentrating.
Watch this, Kate.
I've got him trapped.
He falls for it every time.
Never seems to learn.
Go on.
(growling)
You got to jump him.
That does it.
You want to play another game?
(barking)
Oh, you don't know
when you've met your match, huh?
Me and him's playing for
the championship of the hotel.
Oh. What's the score?
I've won five games.
How many did you win?
(barks four times)
Four. Three.
(growling)
The one she won
for you didn't count.
He wouldn't have won
two of those other games
if he hadn't insisted on
using last year's rules.
Uncle Joe, where's the cannon?
It's outside.
You sure?
Satisfied?
Yeah.
Happy sky watching.
(barks)
Okay.
Will you look at that?
Stupid dog doesn't even know
how to set up the board right.
Of all the dumb plays...
Throwing your ace to Sam!
Well, I was
building tens, and...
Hey, do you smell
something burning?
Just Charley. (nearby crackling)
He loses a nickel
and he carries on
like he's lost a quarter.
It smells like wood.
Hey, the tinder's on fire!
A spark must have blown
out of the smokestack.
Don't panic.
Ow! Where are you going?
To light Sam's
fire alarm rocket.
What for?
So Joe will see it,
fire off the cannon,
and the fire
department will come.
We are the fire department.
Oh. Well, what are
we supposed to do?
Start our water
pump, unroll the hose
and wet down the wood.
Good idea.
Aren't you going to help him?
What for? Joe's got the pump
and the hose at the Shady Rest.
It's supposed to
be on the train.
Joe changed the rules.
He's the chief.
What we ought to
do is keep the rules
and change the chief.
I better call for help.
(thud)
Somebody stole the
pump and the fire hose.
Ah, don't you remember?
Joe made us leave it with him.
Oh, that's right. Don't panic.
Hold this.
Help me put it on the tinder.
What for?
So everybody will know
we're the fire department.
Yeah, well, we're also the fire.
Oh.
(fire crackling)
Hey, fellas...
Fine thing, deserting
your post in a time of panic.
But I was making a call.
You'd think you could
forget your social life
when there's an emergency.
I was calling the
Crabwell Corners
volunteer fire department.
(alarm blaring)
I guess they'll be
rolling any minute now.
(snoring)
Uncle Joe.
Huh?
There's a fire.
Fire? Where are my boots?
You're wearing them.
Out of my way. I got
to boom the cannon.
Now, wait a second.
It isn't your fire.
It's the klaxon over
at Crabwell Corners.
It is?
(alarm blaring)
Ain't that pathetic?
Carries pretty good.
No match for our cannon.
(siren wailing)
Well, they finally got started.
Sounds like they're
heading for Hooterville.
Amateurs.
Probably took the
wrong turn and got lost.
Oh, I don't think they're lost.
That siren sounds like
they mean business.
(bell clanging)
Thanks for getting
here so fast, Bink.
That it?
Yeah.
Oh, we'll have
'er out in no time.
All right, boys,
roll out the hose.
Use the fogging nozzle.
(flames crackling)
They sure know what
they're doing, Bink.
You see there, Floyd?
Floyd?
What are you doing that for?
To let Joe know what's going on.
(rocket whistling and exploding)
There's a fire in Hooterville.
I told you I heard the
Crabwell Corners fire engine.
What are they
doing in our territory?
We never run over
there to put out their fires.
For which they're
probably very grateful.
Wait a minute. I
know what it is.
Huh? Their fire engine's on fire
and they come over
here for us to put it out.
Come on. Let's go.
They're the most
inefficient bum...
(loud boom)
(sharp clatter)
What happened?
Our chief's letting
us know there's a fire.
That's it. Nice work, boys.
You three, left...
(clanging)
Give me that. Yeah.
Don't panic. Don't panic.
Charley, stick this on
the front of the fender.
Floyd, get the hose
off the handcar.
Joe... Don't worry, Bink,
we'll have your fire
engine out in no time.
All right, hurry it up, men.
This is your chief speaking.
Chief... You keep
out of this, Kate.
All right, you amateurs,
keep away from that truck.
Get that dog down off of there.
(barks)
(barking)
(scoffs)
Come on, men.
Uncle Joe, I think you
got your fires vice-versed.
What?
Bink didn't come
here to get put out.
He came here to put us out.
The wood in the
tender caught on fire.
Then why didn't you
put it out yourselves?
Could it be because you
had the pump and the hose?
You're always saying I'm dumb.
If I was half as
dumb as you are,
I'd be dumber than I am.
(clears throat)
Who gets this?
What is it?
A bill for our expenses.
We always ask the other
fire departments to chip in
when we have to leave
our territory to help 'em out.
Who asked you to come over here?
Well, he... I did. I called him.
You had no authority.
You should have
checked with me first.
By that time, the whole
train might have burned up.
Then give it to
them. It's their train.
$22?
$18 of that's for
a new windshield.
Well, four dollars for
putting out the train
sounds reasonable enough.
We get ten dollars
for a house call.
We'll pay the four
dollars, but that's all.
It was Joe's fool cannon
that broke your windshield.
It was the fire department's
fool cannon that busted it.
You shot it off.
Next time, stick to
shootin' off your mouth.
That don't bust no windshields.
Joe, come up with the $18.
$18 for a busted windshield?
The whole truck's
hardly worth $12.
$18.
I'll pay ya tomorrow.
I'll take this along,
in case you don't.
You can't. We haven't got
a fire department without it.
You haven't got one with it.
Uncle Joe, it's time
you faced the fact
you don't have
a fire department.
All you got is a
pump, a piece of hose,
a skyrocket alarm and a cannon.
We got a van. You got a van?
No.
What kind of a fire
department's that?
Uncle Joe, you are
wasting your time.
Kate, it isn't just equipment
that makes a fire department,
it's the manpower.
And our volunteers
are just as good
as Crabwell Corners any day.
For how much?
$18.
You mean, you'd like to
have a little contest with us?
It won't be a contest.
No, it won't.
And when you lose, you'll
owe me $18 for the windshield
and $18 for the bet.
But we ain't gonna lose.
Ha!
Uncle Joe, why couldn't
you leave well enough alone?
Kate, the honor of
my chiefdom's at stake.
I'm gonna show you and him
that a fire department's more
than a fire truck with
a busted windshield.
It's the Hooterville volunteers
against the Crabwell
Corner volunteers.
(barking)
Well, so far we're in the lead.
Where are you two fellas going?
I'm taking my
Indian into Pixley.
Oh, that's nice.
He's kinda pale from
being indoors so much.
I'm taking him in to sell him.
Why?
Since my volunteers have
deserted me, I'm going to lose
the contest by default,
and I'll have to pay Bink $36.
You think you're
gonna get $36 for that?
Boxy Snyder gave me a
standing offer of $33.50.
I figure I can
push him up $2.50.
Hi, Uncle Joe.
Taking your friend for a walk?
No, we're going out
to play a set of tennis.
(giggles)
What is Uncle Joe
doing with Geronimo?
He's gonna sell him
to pay off Bink Sharfells
because he's gonna
lose by default.
Selling his Indian?
That's like selling
his best friend.
Gosh, I never
thought he'd do that.
Neither did I.
I'm surprised at Mr. Drucker
and Charley and Floyd
and everybody
letting Uncle Joe down.
They did him a favor.
They never could have
beaten Crabwell Corners.
Well, why not? Uncle Joe
explained some of the events to us
and they don't sound impossible.
Yeah, what's so hard about seeing
how fast you can climb a ladder?
Or how far you can squirt
a stream of water out of a hose?
Anybody can do that. Even us.
Mom! Oh, no!
No, no, no, I'm not
climbing any la...
But we can't let Uncle
Joe sell his Indian.
It means so much to Uncle Joe.
And so much to the hotel.
The hotel?
Yeah, we need something to
cover that hole in the carpet.
(stifled chuckle)
Child, we're gonna
save our firemen.
They're not coming.
Oh, let's give 'em five
minutes more, Ernie.
I gotta get back
to my feed store.
Hey, would you
take a look at that.
I can't believe it.
I didn't think you was
gonna show up, Joe.
I had to talk Pat
Cooper out of his horse.
He was gonna do
some plowin' today.
Hi, Bink.
Oh, hi, Kate.
Hey, where's your men?
These are them.
Them?
It's a volunteer
fire department.
We volunteered.
We ain't gonna
compete with them.
18 bucks.
Oh...
you're trying to shame
me into defaulting, huh?
Well, if that's the way you
want it, it's okay with me.
Oh, uh, this here's
Ernie Caufield,
our justice of the peace.
Any objection to
him acting as judge?
No, he looks
fairly honest to me.
Okay, let's get started.
The first event will
be safety-net jumping.
Each fire department will
send one of its members
up to the roof of the theater,
where they will jump
into their respective nets.
All right, men, let's go.
Come on! Snap to it! That's it!
Get 'er around here!
All right, girls, get
our safety-jumping net.
What safety net?
Tarpaulin. And unfold it careful
so it don't tear no more.
Hold it!
You mean, one
of us is gonna jump
from the top of that roof?
JOE: Yeah. Into
a torn tarpaulin?
This event will be
worth ten points.
It'll be judged on
accuracy and neatness.
Well, that's ten
points for your side.
Now what's the next event?
Kate! What's the next event?
Ladder climbing. This
is a race against time
and is worth eight points.
On my signal, each contestant
will run to their fire truck,
get a ladder, run to
the wall and climb up.
Hooterville Fire
Department first.
Okay, Betty Jo,
give it all you got.
(whistle blows)
Come on, Betty! Come on!
No, wait a minute!
Go back! Go back!
Forgot the other
half of the ladder.
(laughing)
Doggone it.
What's the next event?
Hose squirting.
I will station myself
at the end of the lot
to measure the greatest
distance each department
can throw a stream of water.
Crabwell Corners,
start your squirting.
Pressure!
120 feet.
You ready?
Ready.
Okay, start it up.
(sputters)
(engine starts)
Here, give me a hand.
Okay.
Now hold it tight. This
really pressures up.
(engine sputtering)
Give it the choke!
For crying out loud, Betty Jo.
Here hold this.
(engine sputtering)
(engine revs)
(men laughing)
(men clamoring)
(laughing)
(laughing)
(chuckles weakly)
150 feet.
(cheering)
The final event, the
fireman's carry, was won
by the Hooterville volunteers.
Fireman Kate Bradley
carried her victim
50 feet in 22 seconds.
(gasping)
Mom, why did you
carry Uncle Joe?
He... he was
supposed to carry me.
My lumbago got to me
right at the starting whistle.
Here are the final scores.
Crabwell Corners
volunteers: 80 points.
Hooterville
volunteers: 80 points?!
(cheering) It's a tie!
It's a tie! It's a tie!
Mom, it's a tie! It's a tie!
A tie?
Well, nice going, Joe. I didn't
think you'd get two points.
Well, it's all in how a chief
handles his manpower.
Well, I'll take the $18.
It was a tie. You didn't win!
For the windshield.
Oh. One more event,
double or nothing.
Uncle Joe?
We're not leaving here till
we get a clean-cut decision.
Well, I don't mind
taking your money,
but we've gone
through all the drills.
'Cept one, the most important.
What does a fireman do when
he's sitting around the firehouse
waiting for the alarm?
You mean, you're
challenging Mr. Sharfells
to a... a television-
watching contest?
I'm challenging him to a game
of cribbage, checkers or pinochle.
Take your choice.
Uncle Joe... I get my choice.
Yeah.
Oh, brother!
Checkers.
Do you realize that Bink
is the county champion?
Since when?
Last week.
Well, there goes your Indian.
Champeens was made to be beat.
Bring on the checkers.
Ah, boy! (mutters)
JOE: Your move, Bink.
Can't.
JOE: You concede?
Yep. You win the
game and the match.
Congratulations.
Hooterville wins.
Yay!
That's the smartest dog...
Oh, he ain't so smart.
I learned him
everything he knows.
(barking)
Including running away.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.
fire department
leaves a little
something to be desired
when it comes to battling
a blaze on the Cannonball,
or anywhere else
for that matter.
It's time to send
in reinforcements,
so let's see who
comes to the rescue
in this episode entitled
"Kate Bradley, Girl Volunteer."
(train whistle blows)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows)
It's not in here, Mom.
Come back here, you.
Are you sure?
Oh, now stop that.
Get out of there.
How could a whole gallon of
stove polish just disappear?
Wait a second.
Billie Jo?
Yes, ma'am?
No, she's still a blonde.
Mom's missing a
gallon of stove polish.
You don't think I dye my hair
with stove polish?
What do you dye it with?
There've been an
awful lot of things
disappearing around here lately.
My best apron, and
somebody snipped
the middle right out
of my clothesline.
Well, I can't find the handle
to the carpet sweeper, either.
You know, I wonder
what... (loud bang) Oh!
(glass shattering)
What was that?
The Cannonball.
I told Charley to watch
the steam pressure.
(loud bang)
(crashing)
Then it couldn't have
been the Cannonball.
It wouldn't have
blown up twice in a row.
Never has.
But whatever it was,
it was awful close.
Come on!
Uncle Joe?
I...
Did you hear it?
Hear it?
It nearly blew us
out of the kitchen.
Wonder if they got the
message in Hooterville.
If they did, they're probably
calling up the National Guard.
I'm only firing blanks.
Hey, this is the handle
to the carpet sweeper.
(sniffing) Ugh.
Mom's apron.
I had to have something
soft to swab with.
Why didn't you use your head?
Hey, you can stop worrying
what happened to
your stove polish.
Yeah, I took just
about a gallon.
Kate, would you believe
this is the same old cannon
that was resting out in
front of the courthouse
gathering pigeons?
No, I wouldn't.
Well, this is the piece
out of a clothesline.
(booming) (screaming)
Don't do that again.
The volunteers are only
expecting three test blasts.
Another one will bring
that fire department train
a-roaring out here to
extinguish the hotel.
You mean this thing
has something to do
with the fire department?
I know.
Instead of these
fire alarm rockets,
you're going to give everyone in
the valley one of these cannons.
Of course not.
Oh, thank goodness.
I'd hate to think
what would happen
if you put temptation in
the way of that many people.
Instead of sarcasting at me,
why don't you give me
a chance to explain?
As a chief, I've
always been worried
about the one weak
link in the fire department.
So you decided to resign.
"What would happen if
a farmhouse caught fire
"and the owner was to
fire off his alarm rocket
and the volunteers was to
sleep through it?" I asked myself.
"The farmer would stand
more than an even chance
of saving his farm,"
you answered.
This may be a little complicated
for the female intellect.
This cannon is...
Is to wake up volunteers
in case a rocket goes off.
Who's going to fire it?
Well, I guess
everybody will take a turn
standing rocket watch.
What were you saying
about female intellect?
Well, anybody could
use the telephone
after Edison invented it.
Ed...
Uncle Joe, I'm not
having the volunteers
hanging around this
hotel night after night,
waiting to fire off that cannon.
Now, there's the
female intellect for you.
They ain't going to
be hanging around.
Whoever has sky watch duty
can take the cannon
home with him.
How about when it's your turn?
I don't take a turn.
I'm the chief.
Back to the weak link.
Look... Um, Uncle Joe, as chief,
you are responsible for
everything, aren't you?
You're doggone right, I am.
Yeah, well, uh, why don't
you go out to the kitchen
and clean up the
mess this thing made?
Well, I... Uncle
Joe, either that
or I'm sending the cannon
back to the courthouse pigeons.
Hi, Joe.
Rinsing out your dainties?
It's Kate's apron.
He does nice work, Charley.
Would you like to
take on our overalls?
Hey, did you hear the
signal cannon in Hooterville?
Yeah. We was in Sam's store.
Knocked three cans of
molasses off of his shelf.
Sam wanted to resign
from the volunteers.
Yeah, we told him he couldn't.
He's stuck with the job.
Stuck with the job.
Hey, that's pretty funny.
Molasses, stuck with the job.
You get it, Charley?
I'm the one that said it.
Yeah, but did you get it?
Take that signal cannon
over to Fred Ziffel's.
He's got the duty tonight.
Fred won't be doing any duty.
He's got a mighty
sick pig on his hands.
Can't Doris look after it?
That pig don't like Doris.
Neither does Fred.
Take it over to Ben Miller's.
He's next on the schedule.
Ben's busy.
What about Newt Kiley?
Newt Kiley's having
trouble with his well.
Yeah, he fell in.
Excuses, excuses.
What about Sam?
Well, Sam's going to be
mopping molasses all night.
Can't he look out the window
at the sky once in a while?
He wouldn't see much.
He's got the broken panes in
his windows full of newspapers.
That cannon sure is powerful.
You know, it broke the
windshield in Dr. Stuart's car.
There's a lot of opposition
to that cannon in
Hooterville, Joe.
Well, wait till there's a fire
and the horse will
be on the other foot.
Why don't we get one
of them klaxon horns
like the Crabwell Corners
volunteers has got?
Crabwell Corners.
That's about all they
got's a klaxon horn.
Oh, they got a firehouse
to put the horn on.
We don't need a firehouse.
Because we ain't
got a fire engine.
We don't need a fire engine
because we got the train.
They got one of the
best chiefs in the county.
Now, Charley, how
can you say that?
Bink Sharfells can't
hold a candle to Joe.
Thanks, Floyd.
I've seen Bink's wash
and it don't come out
half as clean as Joe's.
Good night, dear. Good night.
You know, it's
pretty cold outside
for Uncle Joe to
be sky watching.
Oh, he's sky
watching in the lobby.
Oh.
Oh, what about the cannon?
What about it?
Is it inside or outside?
I don't know.
Uncle Joe?
Playing checkers.
Oh.
Checkers?
Aren't Billie and Bobbie asleep?
Yeah.
Then who's Uncle
Joe playing with?
Go on. Move.
We haven't got all night.
Go on.
That was a dumb move.
Go on, stupid.
It's your move again.
Uncle Joe, where is the... Shh!
Birdbrain's concentrating.
Watch this, Kate.
I've got him trapped.
He falls for it every time.
Never seems to learn.
Go on.
(growling)
You got to jump him.
That does it.
You want to play another game?
(barking)
Oh, you don't know
when you've met your match, huh?
Me and him's playing for
the championship of the hotel.
Oh. What's the score?
I've won five games.
How many did you win?
(barks four times)
Four. Three.
(growling)
The one she won
for you didn't count.
He wouldn't have won
two of those other games
if he hadn't insisted on
using last year's rules.
Uncle Joe, where's the cannon?
It's outside.
You sure?
Satisfied?
Yeah.
Happy sky watching.
(barks)
Okay.
Will you look at that?
Stupid dog doesn't even know
how to set up the board right.
Of all the dumb plays...
Throwing your ace to Sam!
Well, I was
building tens, and...
Hey, do you smell
something burning?
Just Charley. (nearby crackling)
He loses a nickel
and he carries on
like he's lost a quarter.
It smells like wood.
Hey, the tinder's on fire!
A spark must have blown
out of the smokestack.
Don't panic.
Ow! Where are you going?
To light Sam's
fire alarm rocket.
What for?
So Joe will see it,
fire off the cannon,
and the fire
department will come.
We are the fire department.
Oh. Well, what are
we supposed to do?
Start our water
pump, unroll the hose
and wet down the wood.
Good idea.
Aren't you going to help him?
What for? Joe's got the pump
and the hose at the Shady Rest.
It's supposed to
be on the train.
Joe changed the rules.
He's the chief.
What we ought to
do is keep the rules
and change the chief.
I better call for help.
(thud)
Somebody stole the
pump and the fire hose.
Ah, don't you remember?
Joe made us leave it with him.
Oh, that's right. Don't panic.
Hold this.
Help me put it on the tinder.
What for?
So everybody will know
we're the fire department.
Yeah, well, we're also the fire.
Oh.
(fire crackling)
Hey, fellas...
Fine thing, deserting
your post in a time of panic.
But I was making a call.
You'd think you could
forget your social life
when there's an emergency.
I was calling the
Crabwell Corners
volunteer fire department.
(alarm blaring)
I guess they'll be
rolling any minute now.
(snoring)
Uncle Joe.
Huh?
There's a fire.
Fire? Where are my boots?
You're wearing them.
Out of my way. I got
to boom the cannon.
Now, wait a second.
It isn't your fire.
It's the klaxon over
at Crabwell Corners.
It is?
(alarm blaring)
Ain't that pathetic?
Carries pretty good.
No match for our cannon.
(siren wailing)
Well, they finally got started.
Sounds like they're
heading for Hooterville.
Amateurs.
Probably took the
wrong turn and got lost.
Oh, I don't think they're lost.
That siren sounds like
they mean business.
(bell clanging)
Thanks for getting
here so fast, Bink.
That it?
Yeah.
Oh, we'll have
'er out in no time.
All right, boys,
roll out the hose.
Use the fogging nozzle.
(flames crackling)
They sure know what
they're doing, Bink.
You see there, Floyd?
Floyd?
What are you doing that for?
To let Joe know what's going on.
(rocket whistling and exploding)
There's a fire in Hooterville.
I told you I heard the
Crabwell Corners fire engine.
What are they
doing in our territory?
We never run over
there to put out their fires.
For which they're
probably very grateful.
Wait a minute. I
know what it is.
Huh? Their fire engine's on fire
and they come over
here for us to put it out.
Come on. Let's go.
They're the most
inefficient bum...
(loud boom)
(sharp clatter)
What happened?
Our chief's letting
us know there's a fire.
That's it. Nice work, boys.
You three, left...
(clanging)
Give me that. Yeah.
Don't panic. Don't panic.
Charley, stick this on
the front of the fender.
Floyd, get the hose
off the handcar.
Joe... Don't worry, Bink,
we'll have your fire
engine out in no time.
All right, hurry it up, men.
This is your chief speaking.
Chief... You keep
out of this, Kate.
All right, you amateurs,
keep away from that truck.
Get that dog down off of there.
(barks)
(barking)
(scoffs)
Come on, men.
Uncle Joe, I think you
got your fires vice-versed.
What?
Bink didn't come
here to get put out.
He came here to put us out.
The wood in the
tender caught on fire.
Then why didn't you
put it out yourselves?
Could it be because you
had the pump and the hose?
You're always saying I'm dumb.
If I was half as
dumb as you are,
I'd be dumber than I am.
(clears throat)
Who gets this?
What is it?
A bill for our expenses.
We always ask the other
fire departments to chip in
when we have to leave
our territory to help 'em out.
Who asked you to come over here?
Well, he... I did. I called him.
You had no authority.
You should have
checked with me first.
By that time, the whole
train might have burned up.
Then give it to
them. It's their train.
$22?
$18 of that's for
a new windshield.
Well, four dollars for
putting out the train
sounds reasonable enough.
We get ten dollars
for a house call.
We'll pay the four
dollars, but that's all.
It was Joe's fool cannon
that broke your windshield.
It was the fire department's
fool cannon that busted it.
You shot it off.
Next time, stick to
shootin' off your mouth.
That don't bust no windshields.
Joe, come up with the $18.
$18 for a busted windshield?
The whole truck's
hardly worth $12.
$18.
I'll pay ya tomorrow.
I'll take this along,
in case you don't.
You can't. We haven't got
a fire department without it.
You haven't got one with it.
Uncle Joe, it's time
you faced the fact
you don't have
a fire department.
All you got is a
pump, a piece of hose,
a skyrocket alarm and a cannon.
We got a van. You got a van?
No.
What kind of a fire
department's that?
Uncle Joe, you are
wasting your time.
Kate, it isn't just equipment
that makes a fire department,
it's the manpower.
And our volunteers
are just as good
as Crabwell Corners any day.
For how much?
$18.
You mean, you'd like to
have a little contest with us?
It won't be a contest.
No, it won't.
And when you lose, you'll
owe me $18 for the windshield
and $18 for the bet.
But we ain't gonna lose.
Ha!
Uncle Joe, why couldn't
you leave well enough alone?
Kate, the honor of
my chiefdom's at stake.
I'm gonna show you and him
that a fire department's more
than a fire truck with
a busted windshield.
It's the Hooterville volunteers
against the Crabwell
Corner volunteers.
(barking)
Well, so far we're in the lead.
Where are you two fellas going?
I'm taking my
Indian into Pixley.
Oh, that's nice.
He's kinda pale from
being indoors so much.
I'm taking him in to sell him.
Why?
Since my volunteers have
deserted me, I'm going to lose
the contest by default,
and I'll have to pay Bink $36.
You think you're
gonna get $36 for that?
Boxy Snyder gave me a
standing offer of $33.50.
I figure I can
push him up $2.50.
Hi, Uncle Joe.
Taking your friend for a walk?
No, we're going out
to play a set of tennis.
(giggles)
What is Uncle Joe
doing with Geronimo?
He's gonna sell him
to pay off Bink Sharfells
because he's gonna
lose by default.
Selling his Indian?
That's like selling
his best friend.
Gosh, I never
thought he'd do that.
Neither did I.
I'm surprised at Mr. Drucker
and Charley and Floyd
and everybody
letting Uncle Joe down.
They did him a favor.
They never could have
beaten Crabwell Corners.
Well, why not? Uncle Joe
explained some of the events to us
and they don't sound impossible.
Yeah, what's so hard about seeing
how fast you can climb a ladder?
Or how far you can squirt
a stream of water out of a hose?
Anybody can do that. Even us.
Mom! Oh, no!
No, no, no, I'm not
climbing any la...
But we can't let Uncle
Joe sell his Indian.
It means so much to Uncle Joe.
And so much to the hotel.
The hotel?
Yeah, we need something to
cover that hole in the carpet.
(stifled chuckle)
Child, we're gonna
save our firemen.
They're not coming.
Oh, let's give 'em five
minutes more, Ernie.
I gotta get back
to my feed store.
Hey, would you
take a look at that.
I can't believe it.
I didn't think you was
gonna show up, Joe.
I had to talk Pat
Cooper out of his horse.
He was gonna do
some plowin' today.
Hi, Bink.
Oh, hi, Kate.
Hey, where's your men?
These are them.
Them?
It's a volunteer
fire department.
We volunteered.
We ain't gonna
compete with them.
18 bucks.
Oh...
you're trying to shame
me into defaulting, huh?
Well, if that's the way you
want it, it's okay with me.
Oh, uh, this here's
Ernie Caufield,
our justice of the peace.
Any objection to
him acting as judge?
No, he looks
fairly honest to me.
Okay, let's get started.
The first event will
be safety-net jumping.
Each fire department will
send one of its members
up to the roof of the theater,
where they will jump
into their respective nets.
All right, men, let's go.
Come on! Snap to it! That's it!
Get 'er around here!
All right, girls, get
our safety-jumping net.
What safety net?
Tarpaulin. And unfold it careful
so it don't tear no more.
Hold it!
You mean, one
of us is gonna jump
from the top of that roof?
JOE: Yeah. Into
a torn tarpaulin?
This event will be
worth ten points.
It'll be judged on
accuracy and neatness.
Well, that's ten
points for your side.
Now what's the next event?
Kate! What's the next event?
Ladder climbing. This
is a race against time
and is worth eight points.
On my signal, each contestant
will run to their fire truck,
get a ladder, run to
the wall and climb up.
Hooterville Fire
Department first.
Okay, Betty Jo,
give it all you got.
(whistle blows)
Come on, Betty! Come on!
No, wait a minute!
Go back! Go back!
Forgot the other
half of the ladder.
(laughing)
Doggone it.
What's the next event?
Hose squirting.
I will station myself
at the end of the lot
to measure the greatest
distance each department
can throw a stream of water.
Crabwell Corners,
start your squirting.
Pressure!
120 feet.
You ready?
Ready.
Okay, start it up.
(sputters)
(engine starts)
Here, give me a hand.
Okay.
Now hold it tight. This
really pressures up.
(engine sputtering)
Give it the choke!
For crying out loud, Betty Jo.
Here hold this.
(engine sputtering)
(engine revs)
(men laughing)
(men clamoring)
(laughing)
(laughing)
(chuckles weakly)
150 feet.
(cheering)
The final event, the
fireman's carry, was won
by the Hooterville volunteers.
Fireman Kate Bradley
carried her victim
50 feet in 22 seconds.
(gasping)
Mom, why did you
carry Uncle Joe?
He... he was
supposed to carry me.
My lumbago got to me
right at the starting whistle.
Here are the final scores.
Crabwell Corners
volunteers: 80 points.
Hooterville
volunteers: 80 points?!
(cheering) It's a tie!
It's a tie! It's a tie!
Mom, it's a tie! It's a tie!
A tie?
Well, nice going, Joe. I didn't
think you'd get two points.
Well, it's all in how a chief
handles his manpower.
Well, I'll take the $18.
It was a tie. You didn't win!
For the windshield.
Oh. One more event,
double or nothing.
Uncle Joe?
We're not leaving here till
we get a clean-cut decision.
Well, I don't mind
taking your money,
but we've gone
through all the drills.
'Cept one, the most important.
What does a fireman do when
he's sitting around the firehouse
waiting for the alarm?
You mean, you're
challenging Mr. Sharfells
to a... a television-
watching contest?
I'm challenging him to a game
of cribbage, checkers or pinochle.
Take your choice.
Uncle Joe... I get my choice.
Yeah.
Oh, brother!
Checkers.
Do you realize that Bink
is the county champion?
Since when?
Last week.
Well, there goes your Indian.
Champeens was made to be beat.
Bring on the checkers.
Ah, boy! (mutters)
JOE: Your move, Bink.
Can't.
JOE: You concede?
Yep. You win the
game and the match.
Congratulations.
Hooterville wins.
Yay!
That's the smartest dog...
Oh, he ain't so smart.
I learned him
everything he knows.
(barking)
Including running away.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.