Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 2, Episode 15 - There's No Flame Like an Old Flame - full transcript

Uncle Joe has
romance in his heart

when he gets back in touch
with the woman who jilted him

years ago and
married the best man.

His old flame is
played by Lurene Tuttle,

a wonderful actress who
appeared in several episodes

of Petticoat Junction
over the years

and many other programs.

Maybe now we'll finally find
out which man really was best

in "There's No Flame
Like an Old Flame."

(train whistle blows)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪



♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows)

(train bell clanging)

Mom? Mom?

Mail's here.

KATE: Oh, wonderful.

Is there anything from...?

(sniffing)

Oh, Betty Jo, you've
been dunking that dog

in Billie Jo's
bubble bath again?

BETTY JO: No, ma'am.

Have you been
dunking yourself? No.

Then what in the world...?

(sniffing)

Uncle Joe got a perfumed letter.

Our Uncle Joe?

"Joseph Carson, Esquire."

Well.

Hey, did I get anything?

(sniffing)

What is that?

Don't look at me.

Uncle Joe got a letter.

(sniffing)

Well, viva la France.

Did I get a letter from...?

(sniffing)

Betty Jo, I told you

to stay out of my bubble bath.

It's not me.

Uncle Joe got a letter.

(sniffing)

Hey, old rocking
chair hasn't got him yet.

Who's it from?

All it says in the
back is, "S.W.A.K."

Sealed with a kiss.

(wolf whistle)

ALL: Good morning, Uncle Joe.

Is the mail in?

Can't you smell it?

Huh?

Give Esquire his letter.

(sniffs and sighs)

You know, it's against the law

to sniff other people's
United States' mail.

Uncle Joe, who is it from?

Probably from my
insurance agent.

"S.W.A.K."?

Smith, Waterfield
and... Kleinsmith.

(sighs)

Let's think.

"Dear Mrs. Perkins..."

"Dear Mary Alice..."

"Sweetheart..."

(train bell clanging,
steam engine chugging)

(train whistle blows twice)

Mail in?

I don't know,
but the train's in.

Any mail for me?

Oh, uh... (sniffing)

I think so.

Thanks, Betty Jo.

I'm Billie Jo.

(train whistle blows, bell
clanging, engine chugging)

Anything for me?

(sniffing)

Uh-uh.

Thanks, Billie Jo.

I'm Bobbie Jo.

If you're looking for
the stamps, I hid them.

What did you do that for?

'Cause the way you've
been using them lately,

you'd think we were
printing them ourselves.

Kate, where'd you
put the stamps?

No stamps till I find
out who you're writing to.

But Kate, this is
private and personal.

Huh. Use your own stamps.

Kate!

Uncle Joe, you're
not fooling anybody.

We know you're corresponding
with some woman.

Who is she?

In the words of that
famous president,

"I do not choose to tell."

Did you find anything out?

Just what some
famous president said.

That's all?

(door opening)

Mom, we can't
stand it any longer.

We've got to find
out who she is.

Well, it's eating at
my curiosity, too.

There must be some
way of finding out.

I know.

Next time he gets a letter,

why don't you steam it open?

Bobbie Jo, I wouldn't
do a thing like that

unless the other idea
I have doesn't work.

Guess who.

My witty bitty wabbit.

(in high-pitched voice): What's
your witty bitty wabbit's name?

Mary Alice.

Mary Alice Schwigheimer.

No, no. Perkins.

I mean... Kate.

So, that's why you
didn't want us to know

who you were writing to.

Now, Kate.

After what she did to you!

She didn't do nothing to me.

Oh, no. She just left
you standing at the altar

with a wedding ring in one hand

and a "Dear Joe"
letter in the other.

It wasn't a letter.

It was a postcard.

Oh, yeah, from Niagara Falls,

where she was honeymooning
with your best man.

"Having a wonderful time.

Naturally, you can't be here."

Woman's got a right
to change her mind.

She certainly waited
till the last minute.

They played six choruses
of "Here Comes the Bride,"

and all that came down
the aisle was the carpet.

Well, that's all water
over Niagara Falls now.

George Perkins
is gone to his glory.

That's why she wrote
to me to let me know,

ask my forgiveness.

And you forgave her.

Oh, Uncle Joe!

Kate, you know why I've been
a bachelor all these years?

Not because I wanted to.

Because there was no one
else for me but Mary Alice.

Ha! Mary Alice.

You think I've enjoyed
being lonely all these years?

Sleeping in a cold bed

with nobody's warm feet
to my back but my own?

A man don't often get a
second time to strike out

in the World Series of love.

Kate, you wouldn't begrudge
me one brief moment of happiness

in the reclining years
of my life, would you?

Oh, you know I don't.

All I ask is a little
understanding.

If I can forgive Mary
Alice, why can't you?

I guess you're right.

If someday you
should meet her again,

you'd be nice to
her, wouldn't you?

Oh, of course I would.

I'm awful glad
you feel that way,

'cause this letter
should tell me what time

she's arriving here tomorrow.

Oh, she's coming here?

Kate, congratulations
is in order.

Mary Alice finally
accepted my proposal again.

Found this in my footlocker.

I thought maybe Mary Alice
would like to have it on her bed.

Well, I think she would.

Say, do you think I should
hang this on the wall?

Why? The room doesn't leak.

Oh, it's an engagement
present for me and Mary Alice

from the Hooterville Canoe Club.

See, I've been unable to locate

our twin, raccoon-covered
bicycle seats

the Touring Club
gave us for our tandem.

Uncle Joe, aren't you
supposed to return presents

when somebody
breaks an engagement?

Mary Alice never
broke an engagement.

She just married somebody
else for the time being.

Don't you think you ought
to get fixed up or something?

She'll be here any minute.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

We'll do what we're
supposed to do.

Why don't you go get
yourself slickered up, huh?

Go on.

Betty Jo, would you
put this on the bed, dear?

Mm-hmm.

"I pine for you
and balsam, too."

Oh, brother.

The expression
is, "Oh, you kid."

You know, I just can't get
over Uncle Joe getting married.

Well, why shouldn't he?

Well, she left him
waiting at the altar.

Now, girls, let me
make one thing clear.

What's past is past.

And if Uncle Joe
can forgive and forget,

the least we can do
is go along with him.

All the way? All the way.

All right, let's nail
the paddle on the wall.

Well, we might draw
the line somewhere.

(brakes squeaking)

Where is she?

She's getting her
things together.

Well, why didn't you give
her a hand? Calm down!

You're as squirmy as a man on
a raccoon-covered bicycle seat.

JOE: Look, Floyd... Joe!

Mary Alice!

Oh, Joseph, let me look at you!

I wasn't sure
you'd recognize me.

That's why... That's
why I wore the carnation.

Better not stay in
the sun too long,

or the wax will melt.

You haven't changed a bit.

Just as young and
handsome as ever.

Oh, Mary Alice.

Ain't you gonna kiss her, Joe?

Floyd!

Kiss her, or get
out of the canoe!

JOE: Mind your own business.

I think it's a
splendid suggestion.

(train whistle blows twice)

Charley!

Oh, Uncle Joe,
they're just teasing you.

Kate!

Kate, she'll be your
new aunt-in-law.

Mary Alice, it's
so nice to see you.

Oh! Joseph has always been
so wonderful and forgiving.

I didn't know... Oh,
the past is forgotten.

And if you need a flower girl,

I'm available.

Oh... (loud, honking
nose-blowing)

Um, I-I want you to
meet the rest of my family.

These are my three daughters

in the order of
their appearance...

Billie Jo, Bobbie
Jo and Betty Jo.

How do you do? Hi. Hello.

Why, they're beautiful!

No sons?

No. I, uh...

Uh, the Jo on their
names is in honor of me.

Kate was hoping to name
one of them just plain Joe,

but they didn't turn out right.

Uh, anyway, uh,
that's the family.

(barks)

We forgot the dog.

Oh, he ain't worth meeting.

That's just a mutt

that incinerated his
way into our affections

with a hard luck story.

Oh, he's cute.

Um, well, let's all go
up to the hotel, huh?

Oh, yes. I'm dying to see it.

Hey, Romeo, how
about Mary Alice's bags?

Bring 'em up to the hotel, boy.

We'll help you, Floyd.

Thanks.

Thinks he's a big man

just 'cause he's got
brilliantine on his hair.

Well, here we are, Mary Alice.

Ain't much, but we call it home.

It's charming!

Just the way I remembered it.

(gasps)

You haven't made
one single improvement.

(bell rings) Well, we, uh...

You know, Kate, when
George and I were in Europe,

we paid money to
go through old ruins

that weren't half
as quaint as this.

Thank you.

I, uh, never thought
of charging for looking.

You know, Kate,
being a widow myself,

I know how grateful
you must feel

to have someone like Joseph

to help you take care
of the, uh, little you have.

Yes, uh, little.

If it hadn't been for Boo Boo,

I don't know what
I would have done.

Who's Boo Boo?

Boone Webster.

George's lawyer
and our dear friend.

Well, Boo Boo was
just a tower of strength.

Well, you should have wrote me.

I would have towered
for you just like I did Kate.

I just stuck around here

because she needed me to
keep her from going under.

Yes, Un-Un-Uncle
Joe has been like a...

pair of water wings to me.

My Joe-Joe was
always so unselfish...

so willing to give of himself,

even when he's being
taken advantage of.

Oh, Mary Alice.

Uh, not-not only is he unselfish

and willing to be
taken advantage of,

but, um, he does
a great imitation of,

of a short, fat Jimmy Stewart.

Why don't you show
Mary Alice to her room?

Oh, here, let me
take those bags.

When the bellboy closed the door

and George locked
it and turned to me,

I said to myself,

"Oh, what have I done
to my poor Joe-Joe?"

It was darned nice of you

to think of me at
a time like that.

I sent you a postcard
as soon as I could.

Oh, well, even if you hadn't,

I'd have known
everything was off

when you mailed me
back my elk's tooth.

Oh, Joe, you still have it?

Brush it every morning.

And you've never
given it to anyone else?

I've never known another
girl worthy to wear my tooth.

Oh, Joe... I'm
such a lucky girl.

(chuckles)

(Kate clears throat)

I just wanted to see if
your room was all right.

Oh, it's just wonderful.

Uh... oh, I forgot.

You have the bathroom
exclusive from 8:00 to 8:30.

That's prime time.

After Billie Jo.

You're sure I'm not
inconveniencing anyone?

Oh, of course not.

Betty Jo won't mind
getting up an hour earlier.

Now, wait just a second, Joseph.

I don't think it's
right for the girls

to have to rearrange
their routine for me.

Oh, they don't mind.

Kate, they're your daughters
and this is your home,

and I am not going to interfere.

How do you like it?

Mary Alice rearranged the lobby.

No kidding.

For a minute, I thought
I was in the wrong hotel.

It's sure a big improvement

over the way you had
the furniture stuck around.

There was nothing
wrong with the way it was.

You don't like it?

Of course she does, honey.

Don't you, Kate?

Well, I, uh... I
modeled it after the way

they had the lobby
arranged at Claridge's.

That's in London.

That's London, Europe.

Mary Alice...

Oh, Kate, you don't
have to apologize.

I understand perfectly.

(laughs)

Just like my grandmother.

The older she got,

the more she resisted
any little change.

Of course you're not as
old as my grandmother,

but this is your hotel and
I'm not going to interfere.

And a large box of raisins.

Need any help?

I've got on my working clothes.

Oh, that's cute.

I bought it in Paris... France.

Oh, that's where it is.

Oh, you did the
breakfast dishes.

Yeah, I don't like
'em hanging around.

It's after lunch.

You promised to call me.

I did.

Really?

I don't know how I
missed hearing you.

Maybe the pillow was over
your ear while you were napping.

Well, I'm at your service.

Well, there's really not
much to do right now.

I was just dictating a
shopping list to Billie Jo.

Don't let me interfere.

Let's see... Oh, you'd
better put down, uh...

Is that your hand?

Yes, ma'am.

Billie Jo's studying
to be a secretary.

Well, you're a good girl,

learning a trade to help
support your mother.

Wh-Wh-What was the
last thing we had on the list?

One large box of raisins.

Oh, yes, I need a five-pound
sack of maple flour.

Maple flour?

(chuckles)

Are they still making that?

(chuckling): I guess
so; I'm still using it.

Uh, we need a can of...

Have you ever tried
O'Donnell's Pre-Sifted Flour?

It's got vitamin B1.

I like maple; it's got lumps.

Really, Kate, it would
have made such a difference

in that cake you
served last night.

Mom, wouldn't hurt to try.

Well, don't let me interfere.

But if you want to
be old-fashioned...

Mother!

Uh, we need a
new knife sharpener.

(chuckles nervously)

Thanks for everything,
Aunt Mary Alice.

MARY ALICE: Have
a lovely time, dear.

I will.

Night, Mom. Good
night, Betty Jo.

Betty Jo?

Come back here.

You mind telling me just
what you're made up for?

The dance at the
high school gym.

Who's taking you?

Rex Harrison?

Mom.

You march in your
room, scrub your face,

take off that nightgown, and
put that possum back in the trap.

This is real mink and
this is real French.

And I'm real mad.

Now, you do as I say.

But Aunt Mary Alice let me...

Aunt Mary Alice.

Oh,

doesn't our little
girl look just darling?

Mom doesn't like it.

Oh, dear.

Mom, can't I...?

No, you go in and change.

But Mom...

Do as your mother
says, Betty Jo.

Okay, if you say so.

I do.

I'm terribly sorry, Kate.

I certainly didn't
mean to interfere.

Oh, gee, Mom, you're
so old-fashioned.

No wonder you never
got to go to Europe.

(mouthing)

Does the precious
little doggy want to sleep

in Aunt Alice's itty-bitty room?

You don't mind, do you?

Not one itty-bitty bit.

Uncle Joe... Uncle Joe.

Mary Alice gave it to me.

George had hardly worn it.

Uncle Joe, I think it's
time we had a little talk.

(organ playing)

(hammering)

JOE: Billie, put this
on that hook up there.

BILLIE JO: All right.

Hold it, wait, wait.

(talking over each other)

Okay, Billie, throw
me up the dove.

All right, now put that
dove back over here.

(hammering)

Sam, that don't belong up there.

It does, too.

Hey, hold that, stupid.

You don't know the first
thing about a wedding.

I know more than you do.

Here, hold this.

Oh, for Pete's sake!

Quiet!

I'm trying to rehearse.

Well, you'd better rehearse Joe.

In all the hundreds of
weddings I've performed,

I never saw a groom
so unlikely to succeed.

Sam.

Oh, go put on a tie.

I'm just trying this coat
on to see if it still fits.

Well, it fits, but you don't.

You must have put on 30 pounds

since you wore
that at your jilting.

Kate, can you fix this?

Uncle Joe, I got a
million things to do

before the wedding tomorrow.

Well, what am I going to wear?

Oh, watch it, watch it!

Excuse me.

Oh, we ain't got any vacancies.

The place is sold
out for a wedding.

(gasps)

Boo Boo!

(chuckling)

Oh, my.

(chuckles)

I told him we ain't
got no vacancies.

Oh, Joseph, this is
Boo Boo Webster,

George's devout
friend and my attorney.

Oh, you're the one that's
going to give Mary Alice away.

I'm Joe Carson, her
intended "financé."

Well, you're a lucky
man, Mr. Carson.

And I'm Kate Bradley...

How do you do? His niece.

Howdy, Counselor.

I'm Sam Drucker, I'm
Justice of the Peace.

I'm going to tie the knot. Yeah.

Come on, I'll show
you to your room.

Wait a minute, Kate.

We may need him
for our rehearsal.

We don't need a rehearsal.

All Mr. Webster has to do is

to lead Mary Alice down
the stairs to the bottom,

where you'll be standing
with your knees knocking.

After that, it's just a
hop, skip, and a jump

to "I now pronounce
you man and wife."

I still think we
need a rehearsal.

He don't know
the stairs too good.

Oh, Uncle Joe, Mr. Webster'll
be able to get Mary Alice

down the stairs with no trouble.

Come on.

Of course he will, darling,

and before you know it,

we'll be mister and missus.

Oh, Mary Alice.

What you doing?

Fixing the Honeymoon Express.

Well, come on,
we're the best men.

Hey, you busted my rice bag.

(organ playing)

♪ ♪

(mouthing)

("Here Comes The Bride" playing)

Look!

That mutt wasn't supposed
to be in the parade.

Uncle Joe, I think he's
trying to tell you something.

Huh?

"Dear Joe, when you read this,

Boo Boo and I will..."

Oh, Uncle Joe, I
don't know what to say.

Poor Uncle Joe.

This is awful.

Yeah, Joe, we're sorry.

It couldn't happen
to a nicer guy.

Joe, next time...

Ain't gonna be no "next time."

I've learned my lesson.

When a girl leaves you
standing at the altar once,

you should stay left.

Uncle Joe, this is going
to sound awful... selfish,

but I'm kind of glad it
happened, because I don't know

how we'd have gotten
along without you.

I was worried about that, too.

Oh, Uncle Joe...

That's why after the
honeymoon, Mary Alice and I

were going to move
right back here with you.

Well, I, uh, I guess
we'd better break this up.

Yeah, we'll see you, Joe.

Bye, Joe.

Hold on. There was going
to be a party, wasn't there?

Well, yeah, but to
celebrate the wedding.

Well, according to this
letter, that took place.

Now that the
shock's all worn off,

I'm doggone glad to
be able to celebrate

the fact that it wasn't mine.

Come on, everybody,
let's celebrate.

Yeah, come on. We
have plenty of food.

Come on, girls.

(excited chatter)

Come on, everybody.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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