Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Little Train Robbery - full transcript

(train whistle blows twice)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows twice)

(train whistle blows)

The train is coming, Kate.

Yeah, I heard.

(train whistle blows repeatedly)

I was just sitting
there... Shh, shh, shh.



Oh, Mama, do you think
maybe there's...? Shh.

(whistling continues)

That'll be six for
lunch, Billie Jo.

The way Charley and Floyd
eat, that's the same as eight.

Oh, I hope there's
some good-looking

young fellas for a change.

Did you hear that, Kate?

You've got yourself a
problem with that one.

There's nothing on
her mind but boys.

Yeah.

Looks like I've gone
and raised myself

a normal, healthy girl.

This is Shady Rest.

We're stopping here for lunch.

There's nothing here
but a water tower.

Yeah, a water tower.

Hey, fireman... I'm
the conductor now.

This train's supposed
to go through to Pixley.

We figured on
eating lunch there.

Yeah, there.

Boys, you never had a finer meal

than Kate Bradley cooks.

And that's the truth, boys.

That's right.

And today is spareribs
and sauerkraut day.

Mashed potatoes, hot biscuits.

I'll see you up there.

Hey, did you hear that, Arthur?

Yeah. I hate ribs
and sauerkraut.

Yeah, me, too.

(chuckles)

Charley, if you
could run that train

as fast as you run for food,
you'd really have something.

Joe, you quit riding
me about my eating.

I work hard, and there's
a lot of me to feed.

Yeah, for a big man,
Charley's a very small eater.

That's true.

In one meal, he can
eat a small turkey,

a small roast and a small ham.

Hello there. Thank
you, Mrs. Bradley.

Welcome.

Boys, you signaled
six for lunch.

We had six.

Two young fellas wanted
to go on into Pixley and eat.

Don't worry, Kate, I'll
go sell 'em a bill of goods.

Well, come on, boys.

Did you say young fellas, Floyd?

Yeah. Nice lookin', too.

Boy, I hope those
hicks eat fast.

Got to make it into Pixley

in time to case that
bank before it closes.

Yeah, closes.

Hey, put that away, you jerk.

I told you to keep both
our guns out of sight.

I'm sorry.

Hey, boys, you're sure
missing a good meal.

Sauerkraut and spareribs.

All you can eat for 50 cents.

How about it?
Coming up for lunch?

No, no, we don't like
spareribs and sauerkraut.

Speak for yourself.

Yeah, we'll be right there.

Let's go.

Hey, wait a minute, Arthur.

I thought you
said you didn't like

spareribs and sauerkraut.

That was before I
saw the appetizer.

Billie, you should
have been here sooner.

I told your mother I was going
to sell those boys a bill of goods.

I just did.

Thank you.

Yeah, thanks.

Oh, Kate, that was wonderful.

(all agreeing)

Finish up, everybody.

The train leaves
in five minutes.

Charley, I have another
pie in the kitchen.

Oh? Well, take your time, folks.

The train leaves
in half an hour.

Good thing there's
only one more pie.

You never would
make it into Pixley.

Don't forget, Uncle Joe,

we don't stop here tomorrow.

Bank shipment day, huh?

Yeah.

Uh, bank shipment day?

Once a month we
haul the bank shipment

from Hooterville to Pixley.

And on that day, we
highball her straight through.

Yeah, that bank shipment

has to get on in
to Pixley on time.

(quietly): Hey,
Arthur... Ooh, my ribs!

What's the matter?

Uh, he, uh... ate too many ribs.

Yeah, ribs.

I, uh, suppose you
probably carry armed guards

on bank shipment day, huh?

Armed guards?

Shucks no.

Oh?

Carry guns yourselves?

Floyd and me carry guns?

Never.

Hey, Arthur, did you... (groans)

I think I better walk
him around a little.

Uh, he's had too much to eat.

Excuse us, please.

But, boys, here's the pie.

Well, thank you kindly,
but we've had plenty.

It was a wonderful meal.

Yeah, wonderful.

Nice polite young fellas.

Real gentlemen.

I spotted that right away, Kate.

That's why I sold them the bill
of goods to come up for lunch.

Well, I'm glad you did.

We don't, uh, see too many
nice-looking young men

around here, do
we, uh... Billie Jo?

Gee, I don't know.
How many is too many?

(laughter)

Spend the night here?

I thought we were going into
Pixley and knock over the bank.

Give me that, you knucklehead.

I'm sorry.

Now, look, we don't have
to go into Pixley at all.

All we got to do is
grab that bank shipment

right off the train tomorrow.

Yeah, but they
say that the train

doesn't stop
when they carry a...

So we'll stop it.

Yeah, stop it.

How?

Leave that to me, will you?

(laughter)

Uncle Joe, you and your stories.

Wish we could
stay overnight, Kate.

But we got to
get on into Pixley.

Ah. That goes for me, too, Kate.

Kate,

I'll bet I can talk
them young fellas

into spending the night here.

They're a pushover
for my sales pitch.

Well, fine, Uncle Joe.

Tomorrow morning,
we go up the track...

And pile the railroad
ties on... (groans)

Oh, he hasn't got
over it yet, huh?

No, not yet.

Well, boys, we've got

the softest beds
here you ever slept in.

How about spending the night?

Great, we'll do it.

We'll do it.

Kate, I may take

a couple of months
off and go on the road.

What?

I never realized what a
dynamic salesman I am.

People just can't say no to me.

Fine way you
fellas run a railroad.

Kate and me have to
waste our valuable time,

come all the way
into Hooterville here

just to get to Pixley.

Now, you listen, Joe.

You know good and well

we don't make no stops
on bank shipment day.

That's right.

We highball her right
straight through to Pixley.

Highball her?

Why, a turtle could
beat that train into Pixley.

Well, why don't
you ride a turtle?

I would, but
Kate's on that train

and I don't want to
get there ahead of her.

KATE: Uncle Joe.

Will you stop teasing the
boys so we can get going?

Better do as the boss says.

Boss?

Listen, you steam jockeys,

I'm the boss out at
the Shady Rest Hotel,

and don't you forget it.

Uncle Joe!

Coming, Kate.

I'm the boss out there,
but here in Hooterville,

I kind of let her have her way.

All right, let's get this
thing in the baggage car.

Kate and me's got a lot
of business at the bank.

You know, three could
carry that easier than two.

Yeah.

Why, shame on you.

You expect Kate
to get off the train

and come out here and help you?

No, we expect you to help.

Me?

Now, you boys
know that I'm carrying

two pounds of shrapnel
from World War One.

Well, take it out
of your pocket,

put it down and help
'em with that chest.

Oh, we can handle it, Kate.

I was just teasing him.

Kate, Joe says you got
business at the Pixley bank today.

Yeah. I'm gonna try and get

one of those improvement loans.

I got an idea to
improve the front porch.

So have I: keep him off of it.

(laughs)

Come on, Uncle Joe.

I wouldn't talk
about improvements

if I ran a train like the
Hooterville Greaseball.

Uncle Joe.

That's Cannonball.

And we're pulling
out in one minute.

We'll be aboard.

Now, just don't go too fast.

Yeah, you might hit a chipmunk
and derail the whole train.

Chipmunk.

Uncle Joe, I'm kind of worried.

Me, too.

I worry every time
I ride this thing.

Oh, not about the train.

I was wondering if we did right

leaving the girls alone
with those two boys.

You mean Arthur Gilroy
and Lowell Rightmeyer?

Uh-huh.

Well, you can relax.

I think they're

two of the finest young
men I've ever met.

Oh, you think so?

Kate, if there's one thing I am,

it's a great judge of character.

It's in the eyes.

There's an old saying:

Eyes wide apart,
goodness in the heart;

eyes close together, look
out for stormy weather.

Who said that?

A very wise man.

You?

Yeah. (laughs)

(train whistle blowing)

(bell clanging)

Here she comes.

This is it.

Yeah, it.

Floyd, looks like somebody's
piled some ties on the track.

You gonna stop?

Of course I'm gonna stop.

Good, I can use
'em for firewood.

(brakes squealing)

What in the world?!

Probably hit a chipmunk.

Well, Charley and Floyd have
never stopped here before.

Well, there's chipmunks
all up and down the line.

Hey, we finally did it.

We made the big time.

We're getting held up.

Move!

Come on!

Now, let's get this straight,
the whole bunch of you,

one false move and
I'll blow you all to bits.

Yeah, to bits!

Bits? Well, my goodness,

there's nothing on this train
that you... Wait a minute, Kate.

I'd better handle this.

Now, see here, young fella,

if this is your
idea of a joke...

(grunts): Ooh! Oh.

I didn't say it was
my idea of a joke.

K-Kate, you better handle this.

Them's real killers
if I ever seen one.

You ain't just
a-kiddin', mister.

All right, everybody
into the baggage car.

You heard him!

You first, Mrs.
Brad... Uh, lady!

Lowell Whitemeyer!

Uh, Rightmeyer.

And that's Arthur!

It isn't either.

Uh, start moving!

What do you know,
Charley, it's Lowell and Arthur.

Howdy, boys.

Holding up the train, huh?

Sure picked a nice day for it.

What's the matter with you two?

Them's desperate criminals.

You want to get us all killed?

Oh, Uncle Joe, it's
only Arthur and Lowell...

The same two you liked
so much a few minutes ago.

Well, that was before I noticed
their eyes were so close-set.

(grunts)

See what I mean?

What's the matter, y'all deaf?

Everybody into the baggage car!

The silliest thing
I ever heard of.

Come on, move.

Darn you, what'd you
wear your glasses for?

'Cause my mother makes me.

You know that.

If I don't, I get headaches.

All right, everybody
out of my way.

We're gonna crack
open the bank shipment.

Yeah, the bank shipment.

We had this caper
cased pretty darn good.

Lowell, stop trying to
talk like a roughneck.

And take off that handkerchief.

It looks terrible. Hey,
leave that mask alone.

It's all right, Arthur.

It was killing my
sinuses anyway.

Take yours off, too.
We know who you are.

Kate, don't get 'em riled up.

I know these vicious characters.

They'd just as soon
kill you as look at you.

Arthur and Lowell?

I don't care if it is
Arthur and Lowell.

They've gone stark raving mad.

Why don't you shut up!

(grunts): Ooh!

Arthur, I wish you
wouldn't be so hard

on Uncle Joe's stomach.

I've seen pin cushions
treated gentler.

Talks too much.

And get this
straight, all of you,

this is a holdup not a clambake!

And I got a mighty itchy finger.

Have you tried soaking
it in Epsom salts?

I had a brother-in-law
once who... Quiet!

Lowell, get an ax and chop
the lock off that bank shipment.

Where am I gonna get an ax?

There's one right back there.

Yeah, but it says,

"Use only in case of fire."

Would you like me
to light a match?

That'd legal it up.

You're asking for it, Kate.

They'll cut you to ribbons.

Shh, Uncle Joe, they'll poke
you in the stomach again.

Arthur, what do
you need an ax for?

Look.

We ain't had a
key since a train rat

run off with it four
or five years ago.

Left us some real nice
licorice drops in exchange.

ARTHUR: Quiet!

Come on, Lowell,
get that box open.

Let's get the money
and get out of here.

Okay, chief.

Wait.

I-I'd like to offer you
nice crooks a little advice.

This box is federal property,

and if you open
it, it'll bring the FBI

and the government
bloodhounds a-howlin' on your trail.

Remember, I'm-I'm just
telling you this as a friend.

Ooh! Ooh! Oh.

And Joe don't make
friends too easy, does he?

Joe, I know that smarts,

but it'll take your mind
off your tummy for a spell.

Go ahead, Lowell, open the box.

Hey, Arthur, look!

What kind of a bank
shipment is this?

Deposit slips mostly.

If you boys open an account,

you'll have a lifetime supply.

Yeah, but that wouldn't
do us any good.

We don't live around here.

What happened to the money?

Money on this train?

You mean, we went
to all this trouble

for deposit slips?

Why, heck no.

There's blotters and checks,
ballpoint pens and paper clips.

Lifetime supply of those, too.

Good going, Lowell,
you made quite a haul.

That ain't even counting
the Gorgonzola cheese

and-and six sacks of fertilizer.

KATE: Arthur,
you better face it:

There's nothing worth taking
in this whole neighborhood.

I wouldn't say that, Kate.

(chuckling): Don't pay
any attention to him.

He has the craziest
sense of humor.

There's nothing
that would interest

a couple of important
desperados like you.

Kate Bradley, how
can you stand there

and fib like that?

You with that big safe

right behind the desk
in your own hotel.

She keeps all the guest
valuables there, you know.

Floyd, why don't I give
you the combination

and you can hand
it over to them.

You locking the safe now?

That does it.

Take Charley up front,
get the ties off the track

and get this heap started.

We're heading
back for the hotel.

You want to see that
Billie Jo again, huh?

Billie Jo and a safe
full of valuables.

Come on, let's go.

All right, everybody,

back in the passenger car!

Floyd, how do you do it?

Do what?

Your mouth isn't any
bigger than anybody else's.

How do you manage
to get both feet in it?

Okay, come on, come on.

Come on, move it.

You, too, ma'am.

Come on.

Okay, now everybody
follow me up to the hotel.

Come on, come on, move!

All right, all right.

When I say move, I mean move!

All right, all right.

I don't know what's
come over that young fella.

He was so nice this morning.

Why, he's a regular Dr. Jekyll
and Mr. What's-His-Name.

Hyde.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Here, Charley, hold this.

Hey!

I told you no more funny stuff.

Get up out of there.

Now come on, everybody
follow me up to the hotel.

Yeah, hotel.

Lowell, carry this
for me, will you?

Oh, sure, Mrs. Bradley.

Can I carry your gun for you?

Oh, no, it's all
right, I can manage.

Yeah, manage.

Hmm?

Nothing, Lowell, nothing.

Hi, Arthur. Hi, Billie.

All right, everybody inside.

Come on, come on.

What are you
doing, Arthur? Hold it.

You'll see, doll.

Where you going?
Gonna sort my mail.

Come on, Floyd. Wait a minute.

Where do you think you're going?

We're gonna put the
groceries in the kitchen.

That's all right, son,
we'll be right back.

Now, what are you doing?

Well, I got groceries, too.

Give me that. (grunts)

Get that out in the
kitchen! Yes, sir.

And see that you come
right back! Yes, sir.

And don't try anything
funny, any of you.

Arthur, what are
you doing with a gun?

Oh, he and Babyface
Whitemeyer held up the train.

No, no, Rightmeyer.

R-I-G... All right.

Shut up, you nut.

Where's your gun?

I left it in the sack.

In the sack?

Yeah, sack. Yeah, sack.

Hey, look what I found.

Now, don't try anything else!

Buster!

Now, you listen, Arthur,
you stop poking Uncle Joe

so hard or I'm gonna
take a stick to you!

What's the matter with
everybody around here?

Can't you see we're
desperate criminals?

You're all in danger.

Look, this is a real gun,

and I'm gonna blow
a hole in the first creep

who gets out of line. Mom,

you know what this is?

This is a perfect case of
paranoid schizophrenia.

Well, don't call him any names.

You're looking at
a mad dog killer.

Shut up or you're getting bit!

Okay, now where's the safe?

BETTY JO (gasps): Oh, no!

Arthur... you stay
away from here.

Aha!

Betty Jo, what's
the matter with you?

There's nothing in the safe.

(chuckles): Oh-ho.

(chuckles): Oh-ho.

That won't work, Mrs. Bradley.

I wasn't born yesterday.

Yeah, his birthday
is June the 10th.

Come on, get out of the way.

Arthur, please don't.

Come on, move!

Hey, it's open. We're in luck.

Yeah, in luck.

(meowing)

Betty Jo Bradley.

I'm sorry, Mom.

Hey, those must be
pretty valuable cats.

How many times have I told you

that the safe is no
place for Miranda.

But that's where she always
likes to have her kittens.

What a kooky joint.

Yeah, deposit
slips and then cats.

What are we gonna
do now, Arthur?

I'm not licked yet.

Come on, everybody out of here!

Out along the counter,
come on, move!

Yeah, the counter, come on.

Line up out along the
counter, Mrs. Bradley.

There's got to be something
valuable around here.

I've got an old army cot
Benedict Arnold slept in.

Come on!

Empty the pockets and dump
the valuables on the counter.

Oh, my goodness,
look at the time.

Come on, girls.

Wait a minute!

Who said you could leave?

Well, it's-it's 5:00.

We have to start fixing dinner.

Didn't you hear what I
said about the valuables?

Oh, they'll still be
here after dinner.

You're welcome to stay, Arthur.

Yeah, but...

I've got a gun!
You can't just w...

Where are you going?

Well, I thought I'd
help them set the table.

It's the least I can do.

Wow, we got to get
some wood on the fire.

Come on, Floyd.

Yeah, the boiler probably
is getting thirsty, too.

Come back here, both of you!

Oh, don't worry about a thing.

We'll be back for dinner.

Doesn't anybody listen
to me around here?!

Hey! Where do you
think you're going?!

No place.

I was just opening the door

to let in a little fresh
air, for you not for me.

Ah, get lost!

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Um, more dessert anybody?

Mm. No, thank you. No, thanks.

It's good.

Well, I think you
can clear off, girls.

I'll help you, Billie.

Yeah, Billie.

I mean, Bobbie.

I, uh, think that the two of
us can handle this alone.

Oh, I know, but, uh,

why not let the girls help us?

Um, you're right, Lowell.

L-Let the girls help.

Mama, what are we
gonna do about Uncle Joe?

Oh, uh, uh, keep his,
um, dish warm in the oven.

And if he's to be found,
Betty Jo will find him.

Right this way, fellas.

You know, Kate,
they're not bad boys.

Course they're not.

All they need is jobs

to keep them out of mischief.

BETTY JO: Mother! Mother!

I think Uncle Joe's here!

I saw a lantern coming
across the meadow.

It must be Uncle Joe.

Now, where could
that man have been?

Must have been important
for him to miss a meal.

JOE: Follow me, officer.

Better have your gun out;
these are desperate criminals.

They've escaped.

Uncle Joe...

They've taken Billie
and Bobbie as hostage.

(chuckles): Uncle
Joe... How'd it happen?

Joe, the boys
are in the kitchen.

I hope you got
'em tied up tight.

They're a couple of
real mad dog killers.

Officer... Trooper
Benson, ma'am.

This gentleman flagged
me down on the county road.

It's Joe Carson.

C-A-R-S-O-N, in case
the newspapers ask.

I escaped from the
bandits at the risk of my life.

They're not bandits.

Arthur, Lowell,
come in here, please.

Better have your gun
ready; they're vicious.

Don't let those aprons
fool you, arrest them!

The boys or the girls?

(chuckles)

Officer, I-I'm awfully
sorry that Uncle Joe

sent you on this
wild goose chase,

but these boys
are not criminals.

They held up a train,
didn't they, Charley?

Yeah, for about five minutes.

(laughs)

Yeah, five.

Officer, won't you sit
down and have some food?

No, thank you, ma'am.

I have to get back to my car.

It's quite a little
walk from here.

Good night, everyone.

ALL: Good night.

Thank you. They had a gun!

I got a black and blue
stomach that can prove it!

Well, Arthur, let's
get back to the dishes.

Yeah, dishes.

Kate, what's the
matter with everybody?

Them boys had guns, you saw 'em.

As a matter of fact, I got 'em.

I'm gonna have
this one for dessert.

Dessert?

Best licorice I've
tasted in a long time.

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

This has been a
Filmways presentation.