Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 10 - Bedloe Strikes Again - full transcript
The Cannonball and its primary passenger, Uncle Joe, are pelted with eggs after the Hooterville Hornets, coached by Uncle Joe, are drubbed in what may be their worst game ever. Another unexpected passenger on that run is Homer Bedloe, who, despite being hit with a couple of eggs himself, is surprisingly cordial and pleasant. While Uncle Joe doesn't see anything wrong with Bedloe being cordial and taking it like a man in defeat in his efforts to scrap the Cannonball - which probably included being humiliated back at head office for his failures - Kate on the other hand believes Bedloe is up to no good. She's right. News gets to Sam that two bigwigs from the railroad, on Bedloe's urging, are coming for a surprise inspection the following day, which is why Bedloe seems so lackadaisical about Charley and Floyd running behind schedule or the coach being stained with dried, rotten eggs. When Kate learns this news, she and the gang have several tasks ahead of them. First, they have to go into operation clean-up Cannonball mode, which will take them through the night. Second, they have to keep Bedloe preoccupied so that he won't know what they're up to. They hope he is lulled into the false sense that he's finally achieved his goal of scraping the Cannonball. And third, they have to railroad the visiting railroaders about how deluxe the service on the Cannonball is.
(train whistle blows twice)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows twice)
Is it bad, Charley?
It's not too bad.
Few tomatoes and eggs
and a cabbage or two
caught the tender.
I've never seen
such an angry mob.
Everybody yelling,
"Get the coach!
Kill the coach!"
Oh, poor Uncle Joe.
Well... losing the biggest
game of the year 84 to nothing
ain't exactly the
way to win friends.
I hate to think what the
back of the train looks like.
(knocking)
Safe to come out now?
Yes, Mr. Bedloe.
I'm terribly sorry you
had to go through all this
just because our team lost.
Oh, that's all right.
Remember, lad, it's not
whether you win or lose,
it's how you play the game.
We played lousy.
Yeah... I got that impression.
Oh, no.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, I'm sorry, kids,
but remember it's
how you play the game.
Yeah, that's what
Mr. Bedloe just said.
Bedloe... he's on this train?
Old sourpuss?
The vice president
of the railroad?
He went through
this... garbage barrage?
Took two eggs
right in the kisser
before he got the window closed.
Oh.
There goes the
Hooterville Cannonball.
He'll junk it for sure now.
Shh.
Mr. Bedloe.
Don't blame Charley
and Floyd and their
train... I mean, your train.
I-It's not their fault
that Hooterville High lost
every single game this year
and the people
finally got fed up.
It's his fault... My
uncle, the coach.
Oh, Mrs. Bradley,
it's nobody's fault.
It's like the game of life...
Sometimes we win,
sometimes we lose,
but the important thing is
to take both with a smile.
Oh, I don't blame
you for being mad.
Here, take Mr. Bedloe
up to the hotel,
give him the bridal
suite next to the bath,
and give him anything
he wants with no charge.
He's our guest.
No, no, I insist on paying.
Oh, you're going to
feel so much better
when you have a nice, hot bath.
Betty Jo, you clean up his suit
while he's freshening
up for dinner.
Now, hurry now.
Oh, n-no, don't
fuss over me, girls.
Charley, there goes
the meanest, most...
Did he say something nice?
Sounded like it from here.
Charley, there's something
rotten in Denmark.
There's something
rotten in Hooterville, too,
and I think all
of it hit this train.
You can come out now, Coach.
Okay, Joe.
Is it safe?
Reasonably. You
still got to face Kate.
Oh, hi, Kate.
Hi.
Well, Hooterville Hornets
dropped another close one today.
Close is right...
Close to a hundred to nothing.
This is the last year
I'm going to coach
that ungrateful
Hooterville outfit.
You can bet on that.
This might be the last
year for everything...
The hotel, the train.
What are you talking about?
You know who was on this train
and got hit by two
eggs meant for you?
Who?
Mr. Mean himself...
Homer Bedloe.
He don't scare me none.
I'll face up to him just like I
faced up to that angry mob.
You say they're
directors of the railroad?
Two of 'em... Big
shot Eastern fellas,
come in a private plane.
Now, they're gonna
board the Cannonball
here in Hooterville
tomorrow morning
for an inspection trip.
And Bedloe put
'em up to it, huh?
He's a-waiting for
'em at the Shady Rest.
Oh... that sneaky rat.
Somebody's got to
warn Kate and the boys.
Well, how?
There ain't no train,
no phone, no road, no...
The hand car.
Yeah, send Herby Bates.
Oh, n-no, he got chased out
of town along with his coach.
Sam, you can't pump that
car clear to Kate's hotel.
I can try.
I said to myself, "Homer
Bedloe, you've got to go back
"to that wonderful
little town of Hooterville
"and ride that
wonderful little train
"to that wonderful little hotel
and visit with all those
wonderful people."
I'll say one thing
for you, Homer.
You're a good loser,
but we really outsmarted you
when you tried to
scrap the Cannonball.
Uncle Joe, uh, Mr. Bedloe
doesn't want to talk about that.
Kate, women don't understand
the kind of sportsmanship
that goes on between men.
Now, Homer and me locked horns
and he got the worst of it,
but he ain't mad.
Are you, Homer?
Not a bit.
Of course, I guess
you did look kind of silly
back at the main office.
Certainly did.
See how good he's taking it?
He don't mind being
beaten by a better man.
Uncle Joe, um,
I need you to help me move
something into the lobby.
Why, sure, Kate.
What do you want moved?
You.
How long are you planning
to be with us, Mr. Bedloe?
Oh... I think along about
noon tomorrow ought to do it.
Oh.
Isn't that about the time
you boys get the train
back from Hooterville?
Yes, sir, and we'll be right
on time for you, Mr. Bedloe.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, take your time.
Be late.
I don't mind.
Hear that, Charley?
We can sleep late.
Floyd, we got to get up
early and clean the train.
It's a mess.
We'll help you.
Sure, we will, Charley.
Oh... no, no, no.
You young people shouldn't
waste a good Saturday morning
cleaning a train.
Besides, it'll be a
good object lesson
for the people of Hooterville
to see that train the way it is.
Remind them of how
ugly mob violence can be.
Oh, no, no, no.
The messier it
looks, the better.
I tell you that
man's up to no good.
He's out for revenge.
Well, now, if he was a
woman, I'd agree with you.
Never turn your back on a woman.
They're sneaky,
cunning, and treacherous.
Thanks.
But a man is different,
so stop worrying about Bedloe.
Uncle Joe, you tell
Floyd and Charley
to meet me down at the train.
I'm going into town
and talk to Sam Drucker.
What about?
About the price of horseradish.
Well, at least that got you to
stop worrying about Bedloe.
(crashing)
(groaning)
Sam... are you hurt?
No... I don't think so, no.
Oh, my goodness.
I'll be all right, Kate, soon
as I can stop pumping.
Come on down.
Ooh... What?
Watch the blisters.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Who is it, Kate?
Sam Drucker.
Listen, is Bedloe
up at the hotel?
Yeah, come on up and say hello.
He's changed, Sam.
Nicest fella you
ever want to meet.
Horseradish.
Oh, you can talk to
Kate about that later.
Come on up and visit Bedloe.
No, listen to me.
Bedloe is here for
only one reason.
He's got a scheme that'll
finish this train once and for all.
You hear that, Uncle Joe?
Yeah, and it don't
surprise me none.
You know, I was suspicious
of him the minute he walked in.
(indistinct chatter)
All right, gang.
When those big city
railroad directors see
the Hooterville
Cannonball in the morning,
she's going to be
shining like a new penny,
from cowcatcher to caboose.
Yeah, that's right.
(indistinct chatter)
Shh... Mr. Bedloe's
in the lobby.
Now, come on, get
your buckets, let's go.
Betty Jo, listen, you and Herby
help Floyd and Charley
scrub down the locomotive.
Okay?
Now, Bobbie Jo, you and Bill...
Where's Billie Jo?
She didn't like the way
her blue jeans fit her,
so she's taking
'em in through the...
All right, now, come on.
Come on, let's go, we
only got till daybreak.
Oh, no, Sam.
No, no, n-no, you,
you've done your part.
You go to bed and
rest those blisters.
Not me, Kate.
I want to be in on
foiling Bedloe all the way.
(chuckles, snorts)
Thank you, Sam.
He dozed off.
I think it was your
eggnog that did it.
Well, I thought it would.
I put a half a bottle
of cooking sherry in it.
I wondered how
he could go to sleep
while I was telling him
the story about
my wooden Indian.
I was telling him all about my
great-great-uncle Kit Carson,
how he carved
it out of solid oak
with a hunting knife given
to him by this old Indian chief
when he was just a boy
living in the woods
down in Southeast...
Uncle Joe, you're
putting me to sleep,
and I got work to do.
So have you, so grab a bucket
and head down to the train.
Kate. Hmm?
Don't you think
somebody should stay here
and keep an eye on Bedloe?
Well, I'm going to do it.
I got work to do
here in the kitchen.
Did you set his watch ahead?
Yeah, set it
ahead till midnight.
(both laughing)
How about the other clocks?
Oh, I forgot.
Here, I'll start with
this one. Yeah.
HOMER: Say, where is everybody?
Oh, Uncle Joe, get
this stuff out of sight.
Here.
Mrs. Bradley, where'd
everybody disappear to?
Shh... Everybody's
in bed asleep.
They can't be at
this time of night.
It's... holy smokes,
it's after midnight.
Shh... you'll wake everybody up.
There must be
something the
matter with my watch.
It can't be this late.
KATE: Well, it is, and
you should be in bed, too.
HOMER: Not sleepy.
I'll make you some more eggnog.
Well, that's darn good eggnog,
but I don't want you
to go to all that trouble.
Oh, it's no trouble at all.
Can't believe I
slept for three hours.
Is there a clock in here?
(laughing nervously):
Well, it's... I'm so ashamed.
It's so dirty, you can't
tell what time it is.
There you are.
20 to 1:00?!
Mm-hmm.
JOE: What's all the
commotion down here?
Can't a fella get
a night's sleep?
Mr. Bedloe, what's
the meaning of this?
Alone with my niece here
in the middle of the night.
How far has this gone, Kate?
Are you prepared
to marry this woman?
Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
I just came in here.
She was just going to
make me some more eggnog.
Well, I think you've had
enough to drink already.
These carryings-on
might go up in the city,
but out here we don't
allow any hanky-panky
with our womenfolk.
Hanky-panky?!
Now, you get to your
bedroom and stay there,
and just be glad I didn't
have my shotgun handy.
Will you please explain to him
that I haven't got any
romantic interest in you?
Would I be telling
him the truth, Homer?
What?!
Well...
you have been extra
nice to me on this trip.
What other reason
could you have?
What other reason?!
Now let me tell you something...
Oh... good night!
And don't let me catch you
out of your room again tonight
or I'll shoot first and
ask questions later.
(laughs)
Uncle Joe, you were wonderful.
Now, let's go on down to
the train and get to work.
Oh, Kate. Hmm?
I'm all dressed for bed
and I'm asleep on my feet.
(yawns)
Let's go.
All right, gang, that
does it for the outside.
Now let's see how
Uncle Joe's doing inside.
Uncle Joe?
(snoring)
How'd it go, Kate?
That big mess
come off the seats?
Nope, there it sits fast asleep.
How he can sleep on
those hard, splattered-up
back-breakers is beyond me.
Say, Charley, (snoring)
can you and Floyd
unbolt these seats
and get them out of here?
Well, yeah, Kate, but wouldn't
it be easier to wake him
up and let him walk out?
That's not what I had in mind.
Look, go get your tools
and take everything
out of this coach.
Everything? Everything.
Those two big city
railroad directors
are going to get the
surprise of their lives.
(rooster crows)
That's funny.
Could've sworn there was a
chair and couch there last night.
Hmm...
BIRD: All aboard
Hooterville Cannonball.
Train leaving on track one.
Not after today.
(chuckles)
"Thought you might like
some company for breakfast.
Joe Carson."
Very funny.
Ready for breakfast!
The Hooterville Cannonball
is due in one minute.
Bedloe told us it's
never been on time yet.
(whistle blows)
Here she comes.
Hooterville!
Did you enjoy your ride, madame?
Sonny, that's the
finest train ride
I ever had in my life.
Smooth as glass all the way.
Well, thank you, madame.
You must ride with us again.
You bet I will, sonny.
All aboard the Hooterville
Cannonball, gentlemen.
There was no one in the station
to sell us a ticket.
Part of the satisfaction
guaranteed service.
We collect the fare
at the end of the ride
only if you're happy.
Hey, that sounds great.
Sounds like very
bad business to me.
Board!
(whistle blows)
Good morning, gentlemen.
Welcome aboard
train number three,
the Hooterville Cannonball.
I'm your hostess, Miss Bradley.
How do you do? Hello.
Your engineer for this
trip is Mr. Charles Pratt,
a veteran of 35
years at the throttle.
Your fireman is Mr. Floyd Smoot,
and your conductor
is Mr. Joseph Carson.
We will be cruising at a safe,
comfortable speed
of 40 miles an hour.
And a delicious, hot meal
will be served en route.
If there's anything I
can do to make your trip
more comfortable or enjoyable,
you have only to ask.
Thank you.
You give a very good
shine, young fellow.
Thank you, sir.
Hey, John. Mm-hmm?
Do you notice the
porter's smock?
Like they wear in Europe. Yeah.
The service on
this train is a lot
like the crack
continental trains, too.
Oh, come now, Max.
You can't compare the
Hooterville Cannonball
to say, uh, Le Train Bleu.
Oh, you know, the Blue Train
from Paris to Nice. Well, no.
JOE: I happened
to hear that, sir.
What has the Blue Train
got that we haven't got?
Well, besides the shoeshine,
you can get a haircut,
a manicure...
Herby... uh, porter...
Tell the personnel director
to send in one of our barbers
and a manicurist, immediately.
What?!
Quickly, boy.
Pepper.
Mom. Hmm?
Bobbie's ready to entertain.
Oh, good.
Oh, Bobbie,
that's kind of brief.
Well, I wore it in the
Hooterville High Follies.
Oh, well, all right.
Oh, hiya, Herby. How's it going?
Fine, till Uncle Joe
promised them a
barber and a manicurist.
ALL: What?!
Sam, did you
ever give a haircut?
No. Well, there's a
first time for everything.
Herby, give him
your smock. Okay.
Here, Betty Jo, take over here.
Bobbie Joe, hand
me my sewing basket.
Yeah. Sam?
Betty Jo, did you
ever give a manicure?
A locomotive engineer?
How about you, Bobbie Jo?
Well, I do my own nails.
Well, now you're
doing someone else's.
But I haven't got
my stuff with me.
Make do. Buffer.
Orange sticks.
What about nail polish?
"What about nail polish?"
Uh, oh!
Here we are.
Vanilla extract?
Keep the label hid.
Right out there's
some of the most
unusual scenery in the world.
I don't see anything
so unusual about it.
Well, you notice that
windmill out there?
Yeah. I'll tell you
about that windmill.
Oh, oh, here comes the
barber and the manicurist.
Well, I'll be darned!
I'd rather be manicured.
What do you think of
the foreign situation?
Which one?
Take your pick.
There you are, sir. (snorts)
Hmm? Huh?
Your haircut is finished, sir.
Haircut, yes.
Oh, now, where's a mirror?
Mirror? Oh, it looks fine.
Right, conductor? Great.
Must be a mirror someplace.
Oh.
Barber, come here. Yes, sir.
That is the best haircut
I ever had. Thank you.
My barber could certainly
take lessons from you.
Say, Max, how's your manicure?
Sensational.
This whole train is sensational.
You said it.
John? Do you think
maybe Bedloe drinks?
I don't know if he does now,
but he may start after
I get through with him.
I'm telling you that
when John Fisher
gets through with the
Hooterville Cannonball,
it'll be nothing but
a pile of scraps.
He'll rip up those tracks
with his bare hands.
There's the only man I
know that's meaner than me.
These local yokels,
thought they had
me over a barrel.
Thought they had me outsmarted.
Well, nobody gets
the best of me.
I never forget
and I never forgive.
I'll see every last one
of them in the poorhouse.
Come to think of it,
I'm as mean as John Fisher.
Maybe meaner.
♪ Well she makes her run
through the dead of winter ♪
♪ Through the
summer spring and fall ♪
♪ Neither cold nor heat
nor flood can stop her ♪
♪ She's the Hooterville
Cannonball. ♪
(applause)
Betty Jo, maybe the gentlemen
would like another helping.
Oh, no, no, no please.
I've had five.
Six for me.
What was that
delicious concoction?
Just chicken and
dumplings, country-style.
Specialty of the
Hooterville Cannonball chef.
I'd like to meet him.
Would you ask him to come in?
He never leaves the kitchen.
You actually have
a kitchen in there?
Small, but efficient.
Let's go see it.
It may serve as a model for
our new diesel streamliners.
Good idea.
You gentlemen connected
with some railroad?
As a matter of fact, we are two
of the directors
of this railroad.
Oh, dear! My goodness!
Did you hear that?
Why, if we'd have known that
we'd have given you
our first class service.
What have we been getting?
Economy tourist class.
Max, there's no
two ways about it,
this is the greatest
train on wheels.
Bar none.
And we've ridden them all.
Wait till I get my
hands on Bedloe.
(bell clangs)
I heard the Cannonball pull in
three hours late.
I'll bet that really
burned old John Fisher.
"Fisher"? Oh, that's the
name of the gentleman
that's waiting down at
the train to talk to you.
Yeah, him and a
fellow name of Thornton.
They're going to give
you a new position
with the railroad. (chuckles)
Who says that
meanness doesn't pay off?
Floyd and me sure do
appreciate this, Mr. Fisher.
Yeah, Mr. Fisher.
The kind of train you boys run,
you deserve it.
Snap to it, Bedloe, you
won't even keep this job.
Yes, sir, boss.
Where'd I go wrong?
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
This has been a
Filmways presentation.
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows twice)
Is it bad, Charley?
It's not too bad.
Few tomatoes and eggs
and a cabbage or two
caught the tender.
I've never seen
such an angry mob.
Everybody yelling,
"Get the coach!
Kill the coach!"
Oh, poor Uncle Joe.
Well... losing the biggest
game of the year 84 to nothing
ain't exactly the
way to win friends.
I hate to think what the
back of the train looks like.
(knocking)
Safe to come out now?
Yes, Mr. Bedloe.
I'm terribly sorry you
had to go through all this
just because our team lost.
Oh, that's all right.
Remember, lad, it's not
whether you win or lose,
it's how you play the game.
We played lousy.
Yeah... I got that impression.
Oh, no.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, I'm sorry, kids,
but remember it's
how you play the game.
Yeah, that's what
Mr. Bedloe just said.
Bedloe... he's on this train?
Old sourpuss?
The vice president
of the railroad?
He went through
this... garbage barrage?
Took two eggs
right in the kisser
before he got the window closed.
Oh.
There goes the
Hooterville Cannonball.
He'll junk it for sure now.
Shh.
Mr. Bedloe.
Don't blame Charley
and Floyd and their
train... I mean, your train.
I-It's not their fault
that Hooterville High lost
every single game this year
and the people
finally got fed up.
It's his fault... My
uncle, the coach.
Oh, Mrs. Bradley,
it's nobody's fault.
It's like the game of life...
Sometimes we win,
sometimes we lose,
but the important thing is
to take both with a smile.
Oh, I don't blame
you for being mad.
Here, take Mr. Bedloe
up to the hotel,
give him the bridal
suite next to the bath,
and give him anything
he wants with no charge.
He's our guest.
No, no, I insist on paying.
Oh, you're going to
feel so much better
when you have a nice, hot bath.
Betty Jo, you clean up his suit
while he's freshening
up for dinner.
Now, hurry now.
Oh, n-no, don't
fuss over me, girls.
Charley, there goes
the meanest, most...
Did he say something nice?
Sounded like it from here.
Charley, there's something
rotten in Denmark.
There's something
rotten in Hooterville, too,
and I think all
of it hit this train.
You can come out now, Coach.
Okay, Joe.
Is it safe?
Reasonably. You
still got to face Kate.
Oh, hi, Kate.
Hi.
Well, Hooterville Hornets
dropped another close one today.
Close is right...
Close to a hundred to nothing.
This is the last year
I'm going to coach
that ungrateful
Hooterville outfit.
You can bet on that.
This might be the last
year for everything...
The hotel, the train.
What are you talking about?
You know who was on this train
and got hit by two
eggs meant for you?
Who?
Mr. Mean himself...
Homer Bedloe.
He don't scare me none.
I'll face up to him just like I
faced up to that angry mob.
You say they're
directors of the railroad?
Two of 'em... Big
shot Eastern fellas,
come in a private plane.
Now, they're gonna
board the Cannonball
here in Hooterville
tomorrow morning
for an inspection trip.
And Bedloe put
'em up to it, huh?
He's a-waiting for
'em at the Shady Rest.
Oh... that sneaky rat.
Somebody's got to
warn Kate and the boys.
Well, how?
There ain't no train,
no phone, no road, no...
The hand car.
Yeah, send Herby Bates.
Oh, n-no, he got chased out
of town along with his coach.
Sam, you can't pump that
car clear to Kate's hotel.
I can try.
I said to myself, "Homer
Bedloe, you've got to go back
"to that wonderful
little town of Hooterville
"and ride that
wonderful little train
"to that wonderful little hotel
and visit with all those
wonderful people."
I'll say one thing
for you, Homer.
You're a good loser,
but we really outsmarted you
when you tried to
scrap the Cannonball.
Uncle Joe, uh, Mr. Bedloe
doesn't want to talk about that.
Kate, women don't understand
the kind of sportsmanship
that goes on between men.
Now, Homer and me locked horns
and he got the worst of it,
but he ain't mad.
Are you, Homer?
Not a bit.
Of course, I guess
you did look kind of silly
back at the main office.
Certainly did.
See how good he's taking it?
He don't mind being
beaten by a better man.
Uncle Joe, um,
I need you to help me move
something into the lobby.
Why, sure, Kate.
What do you want moved?
You.
How long are you planning
to be with us, Mr. Bedloe?
Oh... I think along about
noon tomorrow ought to do it.
Oh.
Isn't that about the time
you boys get the train
back from Hooterville?
Yes, sir, and we'll be right
on time for you, Mr. Bedloe.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, take your time.
Be late.
I don't mind.
Hear that, Charley?
We can sleep late.
Floyd, we got to get up
early and clean the train.
It's a mess.
We'll help you.
Sure, we will, Charley.
Oh... no, no, no.
You young people shouldn't
waste a good Saturday morning
cleaning a train.
Besides, it'll be a
good object lesson
for the people of Hooterville
to see that train the way it is.
Remind them of how
ugly mob violence can be.
Oh, no, no, no.
The messier it
looks, the better.
I tell you that
man's up to no good.
He's out for revenge.
Well, now, if he was a
woman, I'd agree with you.
Never turn your back on a woman.
They're sneaky,
cunning, and treacherous.
Thanks.
But a man is different,
so stop worrying about Bedloe.
Uncle Joe, you tell
Floyd and Charley
to meet me down at the train.
I'm going into town
and talk to Sam Drucker.
What about?
About the price of horseradish.
Well, at least that got you to
stop worrying about Bedloe.
(crashing)
(groaning)
Sam... are you hurt?
No... I don't think so, no.
Oh, my goodness.
I'll be all right, Kate, soon
as I can stop pumping.
Come on down.
Ooh... What?
Watch the blisters.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Who is it, Kate?
Sam Drucker.
Listen, is Bedloe
up at the hotel?
Yeah, come on up and say hello.
He's changed, Sam.
Nicest fella you
ever want to meet.
Horseradish.
Oh, you can talk to
Kate about that later.
Come on up and visit Bedloe.
No, listen to me.
Bedloe is here for
only one reason.
He's got a scheme that'll
finish this train once and for all.
You hear that, Uncle Joe?
Yeah, and it don't
surprise me none.
You know, I was suspicious
of him the minute he walked in.
(indistinct chatter)
All right, gang.
When those big city
railroad directors see
the Hooterville
Cannonball in the morning,
she's going to be
shining like a new penny,
from cowcatcher to caboose.
Yeah, that's right.
(indistinct chatter)
Shh... Mr. Bedloe's
in the lobby.
Now, come on, get
your buckets, let's go.
Betty Jo, listen, you and Herby
help Floyd and Charley
scrub down the locomotive.
Okay?
Now, Bobbie Jo, you and Bill...
Where's Billie Jo?
She didn't like the way
her blue jeans fit her,
so she's taking
'em in through the...
All right, now, come on.
Come on, let's go, we
only got till daybreak.
Oh, no, Sam.
No, no, n-no, you,
you've done your part.
You go to bed and
rest those blisters.
Not me, Kate.
I want to be in on
foiling Bedloe all the way.
(chuckles, snorts)
Thank you, Sam.
He dozed off.
I think it was your
eggnog that did it.
Well, I thought it would.
I put a half a bottle
of cooking sherry in it.
I wondered how
he could go to sleep
while I was telling him
the story about
my wooden Indian.
I was telling him all about my
great-great-uncle Kit Carson,
how he carved
it out of solid oak
with a hunting knife given
to him by this old Indian chief
when he was just a boy
living in the woods
down in Southeast...
Uncle Joe, you're
putting me to sleep,
and I got work to do.
So have you, so grab a bucket
and head down to the train.
Kate. Hmm?
Don't you think
somebody should stay here
and keep an eye on Bedloe?
Well, I'm going to do it.
I got work to do
here in the kitchen.
Did you set his watch ahead?
Yeah, set it
ahead till midnight.
(both laughing)
How about the other clocks?
Oh, I forgot.
Here, I'll start with
this one. Yeah.
HOMER: Say, where is everybody?
Oh, Uncle Joe, get
this stuff out of sight.
Here.
Mrs. Bradley, where'd
everybody disappear to?
Shh... Everybody's
in bed asleep.
They can't be at
this time of night.
It's... holy smokes,
it's after midnight.
Shh... you'll wake everybody up.
There must be
something the
matter with my watch.
It can't be this late.
KATE: Well, it is, and
you should be in bed, too.
HOMER: Not sleepy.
I'll make you some more eggnog.
Well, that's darn good eggnog,
but I don't want you
to go to all that trouble.
Oh, it's no trouble at all.
Can't believe I
slept for three hours.
Is there a clock in here?
(laughing nervously):
Well, it's... I'm so ashamed.
It's so dirty, you can't
tell what time it is.
There you are.
20 to 1:00?!
Mm-hmm.
JOE: What's all the
commotion down here?
Can't a fella get
a night's sleep?
Mr. Bedloe, what's
the meaning of this?
Alone with my niece here
in the middle of the night.
How far has this gone, Kate?
Are you prepared
to marry this woman?
Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
I just came in here.
She was just going to
make me some more eggnog.
Well, I think you've had
enough to drink already.
These carryings-on
might go up in the city,
but out here we don't
allow any hanky-panky
with our womenfolk.
Hanky-panky?!
Now, you get to your
bedroom and stay there,
and just be glad I didn't
have my shotgun handy.
Will you please explain to him
that I haven't got any
romantic interest in you?
Would I be telling
him the truth, Homer?
What?!
Well...
you have been extra
nice to me on this trip.
What other reason
could you have?
What other reason?!
Now let me tell you something...
Oh... good night!
And don't let me catch you
out of your room again tonight
or I'll shoot first and
ask questions later.
(laughs)
Uncle Joe, you were wonderful.
Now, let's go on down to
the train and get to work.
Oh, Kate. Hmm?
I'm all dressed for bed
and I'm asleep on my feet.
(yawns)
Let's go.
All right, gang, that
does it for the outside.
Now let's see how
Uncle Joe's doing inside.
Uncle Joe?
(snoring)
How'd it go, Kate?
That big mess
come off the seats?
Nope, there it sits fast asleep.
How he can sleep on
those hard, splattered-up
back-breakers is beyond me.
Say, Charley, (snoring)
can you and Floyd
unbolt these seats
and get them out of here?
Well, yeah, Kate, but wouldn't
it be easier to wake him
up and let him walk out?
That's not what I had in mind.
Look, go get your tools
and take everything
out of this coach.
Everything? Everything.
Those two big city
railroad directors
are going to get the
surprise of their lives.
(rooster crows)
That's funny.
Could've sworn there was a
chair and couch there last night.
Hmm...
BIRD: All aboard
Hooterville Cannonball.
Train leaving on track one.
Not after today.
(chuckles)
"Thought you might like
some company for breakfast.
Joe Carson."
Very funny.
Ready for breakfast!
The Hooterville Cannonball
is due in one minute.
Bedloe told us it's
never been on time yet.
(whistle blows)
Here she comes.
Hooterville!
Did you enjoy your ride, madame?
Sonny, that's the
finest train ride
I ever had in my life.
Smooth as glass all the way.
Well, thank you, madame.
You must ride with us again.
You bet I will, sonny.
All aboard the Hooterville
Cannonball, gentlemen.
There was no one in the station
to sell us a ticket.
Part of the satisfaction
guaranteed service.
We collect the fare
at the end of the ride
only if you're happy.
Hey, that sounds great.
Sounds like very
bad business to me.
Board!
(whistle blows)
Good morning, gentlemen.
Welcome aboard
train number three,
the Hooterville Cannonball.
I'm your hostess, Miss Bradley.
How do you do? Hello.
Your engineer for this
trip is Mr. Charles Pratt,
a veteran of 35
years at the throttle.
Your fireman is Mr. Floyd Smoot,
and your conductor
is Mr. Joseph Carson.
We will be cruising at a safe,
comfortable speed
of 40 miles an hour.
And a delicious, hot meal
will be served en route.
If there's anything I
can do to make your trip
more comfortable or enjoyable,
you have only to ask.
Thank you.
You give a very good
shine, young fellow.
Thank you, sir.
Hey, John. Mm-hmm?
Do you notice the
porter's smock?
Like they wear in Europe. Yeah.
The service on
this train is a lot
like the crack
continental trains, too.
Oh, come now, Max.
You can't compare the
Hooterville Cannonball
to say, uh, Le Train Bleu.
Oh, you know, the Blue Train
from Paris to Nice. Well, no.
JOE: I happened
to hear that, sir.
What has the Blue Train
got that we haven't got?
Well, besides the shoeshine,
you can get a haircut,
a manicure...
Herby... uh, porter...
Tell the personnel director
to send in one of our barbers
and a manicurist, immediately.
What?!
Quickly, boy.
Pepper.
Mom. Hmm?
Bobbie's ready to entertain.
Oh, good.
Oh, Bobbie,
that's kind of brief.
Well, I wore it in the
Hooterville High Follies.
Oh, well, all right.
Oh, hiya, Herby. How's it going?
Fine, till Uncle Joe
promised them a
barber and a manicurist.
ALL: What?!
Sam, did you
ever give a haircut?
No. Well, there's a
first time for everything.
Herby, give him
your smock. Okay.
Here, Betty Jo, take over here.
Bobbie Joe, hand
me my sewing basket.
Yeah. Sam?
Betty Jo, did you
ever give a manicure?
A locomotive engineer?
How about you, Bobbie Jo?
Well, I do my own nails.
Well, now you're
doing someone else's.
But I haven't got
my stuff with me.
Make do. Buffer.
Orange sticks.
What about nail polish?
"What about nail polish?"
Uh, oh!
Here we are.
Vanilla extract?
Keep the label hid.
Right out there's
some of the most
unusual scenery in the world.
I don't see anything
so unusual about it.
Well, you notice that
windmill out there?
Yeah. I'll tell you
about that windmill.
Oh, oh, here comes the
barber and the manicurist.
Well, I'll be darned!
I'd rather be manicured.
What do you think of
the foreign situation?
Which one?
Take your pick.
There you are, sir. (snorts)
Hmm? Huh?
Your haircut is finished, sir.
Haircut, yes.
Oh, now, where's a mirror?
Mirror? Oh, it looks fine.
Right, conductor? Great.
Must be a mirror someplace.
Oh.
Barber, come here. Yes, sir.
That is the best haircut
I ever had. Thank you.
My barber could certainly
take lessons from you.
Say, Max, how's your manicure?
Sensational.
This whole train is sensational.
You said it.
John? Do you think
maybe Bedloe drinks?
I don't know if he does now,
but he may start after
I get through with him.
I'm telling you that
when John Fisher
gets through with the
Hooterville Cannonball,
it'll be nothing but
a pile of scraps.
He'll rip up those tracks
with his bare hands.
There's the only man I
know that's meaner than me.
These local yokels,
thought they had
me over a barrel.
Thought they had me outsmarted.
Well, nobody gets
the best of me.
I never forget
and I never forgive.
I'll see every last one
of them in the poorhouse.
Come to think of it,
I'm as mean as John Fisher.
Maybe meaner.
♪ Well she makes her run
through the dead of winter ♪
♪ Through the
summer spring and fall ♪
♪ Neither cold nor heat
nor flood can stop her ♪
♪ She's the Hooterville
Cannonball. ♪
(applause)
Betty Jo, maybe the gentlemen
would like another helping.
Oh, no, no, no please.
I've had five.
Six for me.
What was that
delicious concoction?
Just chicken and
dumplings, country-style.
Specialty of the
Hooterville Cannonball chef.
I'd like to meet him.
Would you ask him to come in?
He never leaves the kitchen.
You actually have
a kitchen in there?
Small, but efficient.
Let's go see it.
It may serve as a model for
our new diesel streamliners.
Good idea.
You gentlemen connected
with some railroad?
As a matter of fact, we are two
of the directors
of this railroad.
Oh, dear! My goodness!
Did you hear that?
Why, if we'd have known that
we'd have given you
our first class service.
What have we been getting?
Economy tourist class.
Max, there's no
two ways about it,
this is the greatest
train on wheels.
Bar none.
And we've ridden them all.
Wait till I get my
hands on Bedloe.
(bell clangs)
I heard the Cannonball pull in
three hours late.
I'll bet that really
burned old John Fisher.
"Fisher"? Oh, that's the
name of the gentleman
that's waiting down at
the train to talk to you.
Yeah, him and a
fellow name of Thornton.
They're going to give
you a new position
with the railroad. (chuckles)
Who says that
meanness doesn't pay off?
Floyd and me sure do
appreciate this, Mr. Fisher.
Yeah, Mr. Fisher.
The kind of train you boys run,
you deserve it.
Snap to it, Bedloe, you
won't even keep this job.
Yes, sir, boss.
Where'd I go wrong?
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
This has been a
Filmways presentation.