Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 6 - Please Buy My Violets - full transcript

(train whistle blows twice)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows twice)

Oh, good morning, Mr. Blake,

did you have a
good night's sleep?

Are you kidding?

With those mosquitoes
dive-bombing me all night?

(laughs nervously)



We're having
unusually warm weather.

(mosquito buzzes)

You also have unusually
large mosquitoes.

Did you ever hear of screens?

Oh, yes, sir, we're
getting new ones today.

Uh, Bobbie Jo, Mr. Blake
needs some coffee.

What I really need
is a transfusion.

Hey.

You know something?

You got some crazy hummingbirds

around this hotel.

(laughing): Hummingbirds?

Yeah, they kept flying
in my window last night,

stabbing me with
those long beaks.

Oh, well, we're getting
new screens today.

Well, either that or
get me a hungry cat.

(laughs)

Good morning, Mr. Gordon.

Morning.

Man, I can't decide which
of these sisters is prettier.

(chuckling): I see
what you mean.

Hey, how would you girls
like to double-date tonight?

Double-date?

Yeah, just the three of us.

(laughs)

How about some breakfast?

Uh, yes, sir, right away.

And fry up some of
those mosquitoes.

Well, there'll be new
screens today, Mr. Blake.

So I keep hearing.

Well, we're having

very unusual weather.
Very unusual weather.

I know.

You think they're
going to check out?

Not if we get those
new screens up today.

Well, you'd better put

an extra pan of
bacon on the stove.

A good breakfast will help take

their mind off the mosquitoes.

(chuckling): Okay.

Train's in, Mom.

Are the screens on it?

Must be.

Floyd said there's something
in the baggage car for us.

Oh, at last.

Why aren't you down
there helping unloading 'em?

Uncle Joe sent me away,

said he'd rather
handle it himself.

Well, that's a lot of nonsense.

The more hands,
the faster, it...

Tell you, Bobbie and Billie
can handle the breakfast,

and you and I
will go help unload

those beautiful new screens.

(chuckles)

With new screens, they
don't get extra bacon.

Hey, Billie, you know something?

That Mr. Gordon's cute,
but he's kind of a wolf.

Yeah, I know.

I worry about you
being in there alone.

Here.

Uncle Joe?

I'll start carrying up
the screens, Mom.

Yes, dear. Uh, Betty Jo...

Two new salesmen?

Uh, well, uh, more like one.

Well, one's better than none.

Where is he?

Hey, you might say
he's standing right here.

Oh, you're a salesman now?

Well, not exactly, no.

Uh, technically, it's more
like a franchised agent.

Oh, fine.

Well, you tell me all about it
while we carry up the screens.

Huh? Look, Kate.

Huh?

Screens didn't come.

Oh, no.

Well, that's the last time

that I order screens
through a magazine ad.

They said that if I would
mail the money in advance,

that they would
guarantee delivery withi...

You did send the money,
didn't you, Uncle Joe?

Oh, sure, I did.

Well, it was the last
$70 we had in the world.

In fact, it's Billie
Jo's college money.

Well, I know that, Kate.

Uncle Joe?

Tell me you didn't
spend that money.

I didn't.

(sighing): Oh.

I invested it.

Oh, in what?

What's in those suitcases?

144 cans of Lord and
Lady Violet Cologne.

You call that an investment?

Well, wouldn't you?

You put out $70, you get
back $140, maybe more.

I-I think I'd better sit down.

That's a good idea.

I'll explain finance to you.

Before you do that, explain
what we're going to do

about the mosquitoes
coming up from the swamp

that are biting us
out of business.

Well, that's simple.

We'll leave the windows closed.

You see... Uncle Joe,

this is the hottest Indian
summer we've had in 50 years.

You didn't let me finish.

You see, when I double

or maybe triple your
money on that cologne,

we can air-condition
this entire hotel.

BETTY JO: Uncle Joe.

(panting)

I couldn't find
any screens, Mom,

but these were
down by the track.

Another 144 cans?

288 cans of little
pressurized moneymakers.

This is only the first shipment,

and I talked 'em into giving
me the exclusive franchise

for this whole
half of the state.

Uh, honey, run
quick to the kitchen

and tell Billie Jo to, uh,
fry up some extra bacon.

Uncle Joe, uh, how
could this happen?

I can't take all
the credit, Kate.

It must have been
the hand of destiny

that put that ad for screens

right next to this
glorious opportunity

that I've been
looking for all my life.

Here, read this.

My eyes are too full of tears.

I get misty-eyed, too,
when I think of all the money

that's going to come rolling in.

I'm thinking of the money
that's gone rolling out...

Billie Jo's college money.

I'll send that girl

to one of the best
colleges in the country.

Listen to this.

A Mr. A.J. Simmons
of Lamar, Missouri

earns $90 a week
in his spare time

as franchise agent for Lord
and Lady Violet Cologne.

Did you hear that, Kate?

That's just in his spare time.

I'm going to work full-time.

That'll mean $200,
$300 a week, more.

Uncle Joe, let's go
have some breakfast.

Not for me.

I got work to do.

I got sales
campaigns to organize,

distribution to map out,
bookkeeping to set up.

Kate, can't you just hear
opportunity knocking?

Hear it?

(chuckles)

I got a splitting
headache from it.

She's a fine little woman.

She just don't
understand business.

(singing)

Billie, you know why
Mom's so worried

about the screens not coming?

Sure, she's afraid

those salesmen are
going to check out.

No, more than that.

We're going to have
royalty staying right here.

Royalty?

Uncle Joe says the Shady
Rest Hotel is going to be

the headquarters of
Lord and Lady Violet.

Well, who are they?
Tell me about 'em.

Well, he went tearing
off before I could ask.

He said he had to
practice his presentation.

Well, we've got
some practicing to do

if we're going to be
presented to royalty.

Uh... ♪ ♪

Bend.

Your Ladyship.

Charmed, your grace.

(knocking)

Good morning, ladies.

Could I have a
moment of your time

to introduce Lord
and Lady Violet?

(gasping): They're here.

Uncle Joe, you
should have told us.

Why, we're a mess.

Quiet, girls, you're making
me forget my speech.

Has romance disappeared
from your lives?

Has your husband or
boyfriend lost interest in you?

Let Lady Violet bring
back that gleam in his eye.

And for the man in your life,

we have a rugged, masculine
fragrance... Lord Violet.

Yes, girls, promise him
anything but give him...

Uncle Joe, what in the
world are you talking about?

I'm talking about
that new fragrance

that's set all London a-talking.

There's Lady Violet
Cologne for females

and Lord Violet
Cologne for males.

Cologne?!

This ain't ordinary
cologne, lady.

Lord and Lady Violet represent
a startling new breakthrough

in the field of smell.

Pee-yew!

What's burning?

Nothing, Mother, it must
be Uncle Joe's cologne.

That's the smell you're
hoping to get money for?

Now, Kate, the kitchen
ain't exactly the place

to demonstrate a
subtle fragrance.

Come on outside in
the clear, pure, fresh air

and let Lady Violet
have a fair shake.

I got plenty shook right here.

I don't need another whiff.

Now, come on, Kate.

Uncle Joe.

Honest, Joe, I, I really...
I, I, I don't want to...

(coughing): Oh!

Oh, Kate, stop clowning.

Who's clowning?

I don't want that
stuff in my kitchen.

Oh, be fair, Kate,

you haven't even smelled
Lord Violet for men yet.

It doesn't matter.

They all smell... oh!

Oh, Mom, it can't
be as bad as all th...

Ooh!

Where did Uncle Joe get it?

I don't know.

Ask A.J. Simmons
of Lamar, Missouri.

Who's A.J. Simmons?

Is he a friend of Uncle Joe's?

Yeah, you bet he is.

A.J. Simmons makes $90 a
week just in his spare time.

He doesn't even have to
budge out of Lamar, Missouri.

He'd better not if he
knows what's good for him.

Mother just doesn't
understand business.

Understand this business.

Now, you pack up all
288 cans of this stuff,

and we're taking 'em in
to Sam Drucker's store.

Hey, now you're
catching on, Kate.

That's a good idea.

I'll franchise Drucker
for Hooterville.

(bell ringing)

(brakes screeching)

What do you mean sell 'em
to Drucker for 25 cents a can?

That's what I paid for 'em.

All I want to do is get Billie
Jo's college money back

so I can buy new screens.

Kate, you still don't
understand profit and loss.

If you sell at cost,
it's bad business.

It's bad cologne.

I know, but saleswise
and marketwise,

if you ain't got a markup,
you take a beating profitwise.

We're already taking a
beating mosquitowise.

Now, come on.

Howdy, Kate.

Hi. Joe.

Well, I don't know.

I'm satisfied with the brand

of coffee I've been selling.

Yeah, but Mr. Drucker,
these are better coffee beans.

They're aged. So am I.

Can't say it helped me any.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I got a couple of my
favorite customers to wait on.

Mind if I check your
stock in the back room?

No, go right ahead.

What'll it be, folks?

Well, uh, tell you
the truth, Sam, uh,

we're not buying
today, we're selling.

You, Kate, you're selling?

Well, Uncle Joe
and I together are.

Against my better
business judgment.

What is it you're selling

against your better
business judgment?

Show him, Uncle Joe.

Lord or Lady?

Both.

Which one first?

Now, hold it, Sam.

Before you open that, I
want to ask you a question.

Shoot.

Now, this may be
a shot in the dark,

but did you ever
make the acquaintance

of an A.J. Simmons
in Lamar, Missouri?

No, who's he?

Never mind, Sam.

Your time is valuable and
we don't want to waste it.

Thank you, Kate.

Oh, hey, I remember this stuff.

Lord Violet?

Uh, no, cologne.

I stocked six
bottles of it in 1934.

Got five left, one broke.

That's the beauty
of Lord Violet...

Comes in a new
unbreakable spray can.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, it's got that
push-button gizmo.

I wouldn't do that, Sam.

Why not?

Well, you don't want to waste

one precious puff
of Lord Violet...

The rugged, masculine
fragrance that drives women crazy.

I'll go along with that.

Excuse me.

Did I hear somebody
talking about Lord Violet?

Yeah, why?

Well, that's the first
line I ever represented.

Lord and Lady Violet cologne.

I was only 12 years old,
answered an ad in a magazine.

Something about how a Mr. A.J.
Simmons of Lamar, Missouri

earned $40 a week
in his spare time.

You hear that, Kate?

$40 then, now it's up to $90.

We're not selling to
Sam Drucker for cost,

we got a gold mine here.

Just a minute, Uncle Joe.

How well did you do
with Lord and Lady Violet?

Well, I got my folks
a new car out of it.

And you were only
12 years old? Yeah.

A bottle of it
exploded in their car

and stunk it up so bad,
they had to buy a new one.

(laughs)

Ah, don't listen to
this salesman, Sam.

Just professional
jealousy talking.

Why should I be jealous?

I don't sell cologne.

Eh, you bet you don't.
This is our territory.

Forget it, Uncle Joe.

$70 wouldn't have started
Billie Jo in college anyway.

And as for the screens,

we'll buy the guests flyswatters

and hope for cooler weather.

(chuckles)

Bye, Sam.

Now you're talking, Kate.

We can sell that cologne for
two dollars a can, minimum.

Ah, ah, Kate.

Wait a minute.

You got $70 tied
up in this cologne.

Yeah, plus two of mine.

By taking two gross, I
got it for 25 cents a can.

Pretty shrewd buying, hey, Sam?

Yes, it was; you
cornered the market.

And that's bad for my business.

Uh, listen, Kate,
will you sell me

the whole lot of it for... $75?

No, thanks, Sam.

You bet no thanks.

He'd sell it for
two dollars a can.

Let's see, uh, 288
cans that'd come to...

Well, it'd come to a lot.

We might as well have it.

Listen, Kate, will
you take... $80?

Thanks, anyway, Sam.

Thanks for what?

Stealing the money
out of our pocket?

(train whistle blows)

Here's the train.

(straining): Let's
get back to the hotel.

(chuckling): Thanks.

Kate, you get on back to hotel.

I'm gonna start house-to-house
here in Hooterville.

Couple of hundred dollars
worth of daylight selling time left.

You're gonna sell 144
cans here in Hooterville?

There aren't that many people.

After I saturate this burg,

I'm gonna hit a few
farms on the way back.

You're gonna walk all
the way back to the hotel

with those heavy bags?

Well, they won't
be heavy for long.

And paper money
don't weigh much.

Okay, I'll see
you back at the...

(straining): hotel for supper.

Smell it and weep, Drucker!

This stuff's gonna put
you out of business!

(coughing): You're
not... kidding.

(train whistle blows)

(engine chugging)

(bells clanging)

(mosquitoes buzzing)

Take it easy, kid.

You're knocking yourself out.

Uh, I don't mind.

What happened to your helpers?

Yeah, where'd those big
sisters of your disappear to?

They're waiting for the train.

(distant whistle blows)

Mother may be on it.

Those screens better be on it,

or I'll meet it on the way
back. (mosquitoes buzzing)

(laughs)

(bell clanging)

Why don't you
gentlemen come inside

where the mosquitoes
won't bother you?

Ow!

(chuckles)

You know, she's
got a point there.

The big ones couldn't
get through the door.

Let's give it a try.

It's cooler in there, too.

And I'll fix you some
nice, cool lemonade.

Well, see if you can find
those nice, cool sisters of yours.

(distant whistle blows)

(train engine chugging)

Thank you, boys!

Gee, did you have any luck, Ma?

Looks like you sold two cases.

Did Mr. Drucker buy 'em?

How much did you get?
Hey, where's Uncle Joe?

(chuckles)

L-Let's sit down
a minute, girls,

and I'll answer your questions.

Now, starting with the last
one... "Where's Uncle Joe?"...

He's between
here and Hooterville

trying to peddle
144 cans of, um...

pressurized disappointment.

What do you say, Fred?

How many cans of Lord
Violet can I put you down for?

Well, I'll tell you, Joe.

Man in my line of business

ain't got too much
need for cologne.

(grunting)

Here, pigs!

Here, pigs! Suey! Suey! Suey!

(pigs snorting)

Say, Fred, has it
ever occurred to you

that a pig farmer
might be among those

most likely to offend?

Offend who?

Whoever he meets up with.

Well, a pig farmer meets
up with the pig buyers.

They ain't any more
fragrant than we are.

Get over, Alice.

Let Myrtle have
some of that slop.

There you are.

Yeah, well, now
about this cologne...

you could set a style. Mm.

You go to market just
once not smelling like a pig,

all the others'll want to
jump on the bandwagon.

You don't seem to get the point.

A good pig man don't care.

He's got the smell
of pigs in his blood.

I'm giving you an
opportunity to get it out.

Here, I'll give you a
free whiff... Lord Violet.

No, I ain't...

L-Look how that fits the hand.

All you got to do is just
press that button like that.

How you like it?
How you like it?

Ain't bad, is it?

You better sign up for a
dozen cans right now...

Not run the risk
of me running out.

How much are they?

Well, now they
retail in the city for,

uh, two dollars a can.

Good-bye. Now,
wait a minute, Fred.

This ain't the city.

For you, Fred, 50 cents a can?

Well, now that's more like it,
but I don't need a dozen cans.

Half a dozen cans?

Well...

(groaning loudly)

Wh-What do they know?

They're only pigs.

Might be only pigs to you,

but to me and my wife,
they're bread and butter.

Give 'em time to adjust to it.

No, I'm sorry,
I'm not interested.

Where you going, Fred?

I'm going to the
house and take a bath.

Well, here, take this
Lord Violet with you.

If Ruthie likes
it as well as you,

you might want to
change your mind about it.

No chance.

I got to choose between
my wife and the pigs,

I'll have to take the pigs.

Wait a minute, Fred.

How's Ruthie been
looking to you lately?

What do you mean?

I mean, has she
got that old charm,

that sparkle, that excitement?

Well, frankly, no.

Buddy...

Right here in this suitcase,

I've got 72 cans of
instant romance...

Lady Violet.

Now, you let Ruthie
sprinkle a little of this on

and you can't resist her...

You'll be powerless
to resist her.

You'll grab her in your arms,
you'll smother her with kisses.

Now, how many, how many
cans are you gonna want...

You open that thing,

and I'll take this
stick to you. What?

Ruthie's a good cook
and a hard worker,

but there's the ugliest
woman the Lord ever let loose.

Ma?!

If we don't do
something real quick,

Mr. Blake and Mr. Gordon
are gonna check out.

Oh, dear.

I don't want to
lose their business.

They're crackerjack salesmen.

Mom, I've got an idea.

If anyone can sell Lord
and Lady Violet cologne,

it's those two.

Well, I'm sure of that, honey,
but how do we sell it to them?

Oh, I know how to do that.

You sit down.

Now, listen, Mom,

Mr. Gordon's sort of a wolf,

and he's always asking
Bobbie and me for dates.

I know, I know.

Listen, I've got an idea.

(whispering)

(bell ringing)

(mosquitoes buzzing)

We all alone?

Just you and me
and the mosquitoes,

and I'm getting out.

If I'm gonna be a donor,

I'd rather give it
to the Red Cross.

(bell ringing)

(door opens)

Checking out, Mr. Blake?

Screens come?

Not yet.

I'm checking out.

(mosquitoes buzzing)

(whispering)

(plays lively tune)

Please, Mr. Gordon!
(music stops)

We're talking about
something very important.

Listen, Billie, uh,
what kid of cologne

was the salesman wearing?

It was called Lord Violet.

Oh, that makes a man
absolutely irresistible.

Oh, does it ever.

Gee, I wish I knew a boy
who wore Lord Violet cologne.

You're too young.

What happened?

Anyway, Mother caught
us necking on the porch.

Billie, he wasn't
even good-looking.

I couldn't help myself; he
was wearing Lord violet.

What happened
after Mom caught you?

Mother ordered him away,
but he left me two suitcases

full of Lord and Lady
Violet as a present!

Oh, Billie,

you can sell it and
make a fortune!

Why, I never thought of that.

Where is it?

It's right on the porch; I
didn't want Mom to see it.

Well, come on.

Come on, Kate, will ya?

Hmm? Oh!

Uh, are you sure you
won't stay for supper?

We're having fried chicken.

Look, by supper,
I'll be too weak

to fight the mosquitoes for it.

Will you hurry up so
I won't miss my train?

All right now,
let's talk business.

You say it sold
for a dollar a can?

That's what I heard.

How much for the whole works?

Gee, I don't know anything
at all about business.

How about 50 bucks?

$90. $60.

$80. $70.

Sold.

Hey, Jim, I've taken
on a brand-new line.

Oh, that Lord and
Lady Violet cologne!

You've heard of it?

Mr. Blake, you're
gonna miss your train.

Heard of it?!

You know, when
I was a little kid,

I read an ad in a magazine...

Some guff about
a fella named, uh...

Simmons.

Simmons...

making $25-$30 a
week selling this junk,

so I bit.

(laughs)

Never made a sale.

The smell got on my clothes,
I couldn't get near a customer

close enough to make my pitch!

(laughs)

Even my own dog bit me!

(chuckles) (laughs)

The girls say it's great.

Maybe they've
changed it, improved it.

If they've changed
it, they've improved it.

Stand back, girls!

(coughing)

Look! It killed him!

No, it didn't; he's
still breathing.

No, I-I mean the mosquito.

(mosquito buzzing)

Look, there goes another one!

And another one!

And another!

Oh, my goodness, they're...
they're dropping like flies.

I mean, mosquitoes.

Give me that.

(mosquitoes buzzing)

Hey, look at 'em fall.

(laughs)

How 'bout that?!

Man, it really stones them.

Give me back my insecticide!

I've got the hottest new
item here since DDT.

Hey, girls, could
you give me a hand?

Hey, two more cases!

These are mine!

Oh, no they're not.

Are these full?

All 144 cans.

I'll give you 75 bucks
for both of them.

I'll make it $80. $85.

$90. $100!

Sold!

There you go.

Hey, Jim!

Wait a minute, Jim!

Let's make a deal!

We'll split the territory!

Kate, Kate, look
what I just did!

Sold out for 100 bucks.

I told you that
was good cologne.

And I still got
half my stock left.

Oh, no, you haven't.

Billie Jo sold the
other two cases for $70.

$70?

She just lost me 30 bucks.

When are you women gonna
learn you don't belong in business?

From now on, leave
these things to me.

Yeah, yes, Uncle Joe.

What's A.J. Simmons gonna think?

WOMEN: Yes, Uncle Joe.

I'll bet he hasn't got four
females holding him back.

WOMEN: Yes, Uncle Joe.

(theme song playing)

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

This has been a
Filmways presentation.