Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Courtship of Floyd Smoot - full transcript

(train whistle blows twice)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows twice)

♪ ♪

You burnin' them ties again?

I just burn the
loose ones, Charley.

Besides, they burn hot

and I'm in a hurry
to get to Hooterville.



You keep pickin' up them ties,

we won't make the next curve.

It's pretty straight from here.

Pour it on, Charley.

There's something waiting
for me at Sam Drucker's store.

Another letter from that lonely
hearts woman Camille Tooksbury?

It's more than
a letter this time.

I sent her my picture...
wearing my store-bought hair.

Now there's
something you can burn,

and the quicker the better.

Come on, kids, cheer
up. You can't win 'em all.

Well, do we have
to lose 'em all?

Hi, Betty Jo.

(listlessly): Hi, Mr. Drucker.

I take it Hooterville
dropped another one?

63 to nothing.

Well, look on the bright side.

It's not as bad as last week.

Thanks, anyway, Sam. I
guess you heard the score, huh?

Yeah, looks like
the team's improving.

How'd my boy Herbie Bates do?

Did he give a good
account of himself?

Maybe you better ask
him. Here he comes.

I'm sorry, Mr. Drucker.
We lost again.

Oh, now, don't
feel too bad, Herbie.

It's how you play
the game that counts.

And from the looks of ya,
you really gave 'em a scrap.

I didn't even get off the bench.

Herbie, if you were
just warming the bench,

how'd all this happen?

The team ran over me
on the way to the shower.

They were in a hurry
to get off the field,

and who can blame them?

Oh, here comes
that Hooterville coach.

Have I got a few
words to say to him.

Now, Sam, take
pity on the poor man.

His team just
lost 63 to nothing.

Last week it was 72 to nothing.

And the week before
that it was... Shh!

Herbie, you were pathetic.

How can you blame Herbie?

You didn't even let him play!

Now, Sam.

That was my stragety.

He was supposed to run
up and down the sidelines

and keep the
Pixley boys worried,

wonderin' when I'd send him in.

Instead of that, he
worried our boys.

They were afraid I
would send him in.

Cheer up, Herbie.

That's right. You'll
get to play next week.

You're the one that's pathetic.

Why don't you resign?

You know, Uncle Joe,
this might be a good time.

You could retire
with a perfect record.

A perfect record?

An unbroken string of defeats.

I got news for you Monday
morning quarterbacks.

We ain't gonna lose next week.

Oh, what makes you think so?

(train whistle blows)
We ain't gonna play.

Train's coming, Mom.

Just heard her
whistle for the station.

We've got groceries
in the back room.

Come on, Sam.

Come on, Coach.

Ought to resign.

(laughs mockingly)

Sam, Sam, did the mail come?!

Well, yeah, but I ain't
had a chance to sort it yet.

It's in the sack back
in the storeroom.

ALL: Hi, Floyd.

HERBIE: Hi,
Mr. Smoot. Hi, Floyd.

FLOYD: Hi!

I didn't know old Floyd
could move that fast.

I wonder if I could get by

using him in the
Hooterville backfield.

Come on, Uncle Joe.

We better not
stay here too long.

You know, there was
an angry mob forming

when I left the football field.

What's got into Floyd?

Oh, shh-shh!

Shoulder pads
come in real handy.

I might have you
wear those all the time.

I'm afraid Floyd's got
himself woman troubles.

Floyd Smoot? (snickers)

That durn fool jumped
down out of the cab

before I could stop the train.

He's gonna kill himself
over that woman.

What woman? What woman?

Camille Tooksbury.

Camille Tooksbury...
She must be new in town.

She's not local, Kate.

She's one of them
mail-order sweethearts.

Floyd met her through the lonely
hearts column of a magazine.

Oh, well, there's
nothing wrong with that.

What does she look like?

Nobody knows, including Floyd.

But Floyd sent
Camille his picture,

and today he figures
he'll get sent her picture,

and that's why he's back there
rootin' through the mail sack.

Well, I hope for Floyd's
sake she's nice-lookin'.

Come on! Let's
get that train rollin'!

Bad as it is, it's better'n
riding out of town on one rail.

Yeah, but, Uncle
Joe, I want to...

I'll see Floyd on the train.

Floyd, come on!
Let's get rollin'!

Got your letter
from Camille, huh?

Yeah.

Let's see her picture, Floyd.

(laughs) You got
yourself a dog, huh?

I warned ya.

(whistle blows)

Coming, Betty Jo!

Next time, you listen to me.

Floyd, don't pay
any attention to him.

The worst mistake a man can make

is to marry a beautiful woman.

They're nothing but trouble.

You remember that.

Yeah.

No, I'm serious, Floyd.

The plain ones
make the best wives.

In fact, the
homelier the better.

Yeah.

Oh, come on, Floyd.

Now, she can't be that bad.

Ooh, holy smokes. She is.

That looks like a
man wearing a wig.

It is.

What?

That's my picture.
She sent it back.

Floyd, listen. Wait
a minute, Floyd.

(harmonica playing)

You know something, Betty Jo?

I'll bet you're the
only kid in the country

that drives a train
home from school.

Charley, what could
have happened to Floyd?

Usually he's up here every
five minutes checkin' on us.

His love life got derailed.

But he'll get over it.

Who was he in love with?

Well, he's been writing
letters to some woman,

a Camille Tooksbury.

But they exchanged
pictures, and that ended that.

Gee, I hope he isn't
taking it too hard.

Oh, don't worry about it, honey.

Your ma and Sam
Drucker's back there with him.

They'll switch him
back on the track.

Floyd, come on
now! Unlock this door!

Go away. Leave me alone.

Ah, it's no use, Kate.

He's just gonna sit
out there and pine

over Camille Tooksbury.

Sam, let me try something.

Floyd Smoot, I got a
bone to pick with you.

Now, you unlock that door,

or I'm climbing out this window.

All right.

No, no, Kate! Don't do that!

I'll open the door.

You traitor!

You double-crosser!
You love pirate!

So we're not good
enough for you, huh?

Who-who-who?

The women in this
valley, that's who-who-who.

All these years, you've
been leading us on,

keeping us dangling on a string,

playing fast and
loose with our hearts.

Me? Yes, you!

And now that you've
reached your prime

and we're all wondering
who's gonna be

the lucky woman, you
turn your back on us

and you take up
with an out-of-towner.

You're nothing but a typical
playboy bachelor, Floyd Smoot.

Me?

Oh, don't-don't-don't
act innocent with me.

I've heard all about you
and that Camille Tooksbury.

But let me tell you something.

At the next church social,

there isn't a
woman in this valley

that'll sell you a
cake or a box lunch.

We've given you the
best years of our lives.

Now you're tossing us aside
like a bunch of old shoes.

Me?!

No, I'm-I'm-I'm
just not gonna cry

'cause you're not
worthy of my tears.

Listen, Kate, I-I
don't understand.

Listen, Kate, open the door!

I want to talk to ya.

No, sir.

You stay out there
and cool your hot blood,

you fickle Casanova, you.

Me?

Me!

(bell clanging)

Well, who won the game, Coach?

Oh, Pixley managed
to squeeze by us.

63 to nothing.

My boys weren't able to
execute the plays I gave 'em.

They need more skull practice.

Pixley was sharp, well
organized, well-trained.

Uncle Joe, Pixley
hasn't even got a coach.

And neither does Hooterville.

Pixley hasn't got a coach?

Maybe we could protest
the game on that basis, huh?

We're gonna have pig's knuckles
and sauerkraut tonight, Charley.

Mm, yeah!

And for dessert, I'm gonna
bake fresh blueberry pie.

Blueberry pie?
That's my favorite.

I don't remember inviting
you to supper, Floyd Smoot.

So why don't you put on
your mail-order courtin' hair

and go calling on your
mail-order sweetheart.

Maybe she'll cook you
up a mail-order supper.

But, Kate, I always
eat supper here.

That was before I found out

what kind of man you are.

What kind of a man am I, Kate?

Tell me again.

You're nothing but a fickle,

heart-breaki"
Casanova, that's what.

Come on, Charles.

Yeah.

Kate wants to hold
supper for a while,

see if Floyd shows up.

Wait a minute, Joe.

The big game with
Elm City is coming up.

Now, the merchants
of Hooterville

are prepared to pay
you a cash bonus.

It's as good as mine.

I'm gonna win that game.

The bonus ain't for winnin',

it's for resignin'.

I'll chip in on that.

Now, look here just
a minute, you boys.

I got a surprise ready
for that Elm City team.

The Hooterville Hornets
are gonna really sting.

Worse than today?

Oh, sting.

What's the surprise, Joe?

Speed in the backfield.

I got a brand-new
scatback under wraps.

Little, but fast
as a jackrabbit.

Them big, heavy Elm City boys
ain't gonna lay a hand on her.

Her? Her? Her?

I mean, him.

It. The scatback.

Uncle Joe, you're
not by any chance

talking about Betty?

Betty?

Betty who?

Betty, my fast-running
daughter, that's who.

Oh, Kate, I know
you'd never stand still

for a thing like that.

Would you?

You better believe I wouldn't.

Neither would she.

Neither would Hooterville.

I'll bet the Elm City
boys would go for it.

I was just joking.

Victory don't mean
that much to me.

By the way, where is Betty Jo?

How would I know? Betty Jo!

You better let her
do her homework.

You know her grades aren't...

Did you talk her into it, coach?

Talk her into what?

No, he didn't.

But, Mom, we've just
got to win one game.

And Uncle Joe says that
with me as a scatback...

You scat back upstairs
and take off that uniform.

Sorry, coach. I was
ready and willing.

Well, I wasn't.

Nice pass, Mom.

Forget it.

Mom, can't we start serving now?

Everything's ready.

Yeah, bring on the pig's
knuckles and sauerkraut.

No, let's just wait a
little longer for Floyd.

Kate, I sure thought

you had him cured
when you told him

all the women in the
valley were mad about him.

What?!

Floyd Smoot? Mother!

Well, I was just

trying to help him
mend his broken heart

by convincing him
he had sex appeal.

I guess he didn't believe me.

Well, there's only so big
a lie a man can swallow.

That's a whopper.

Oh, you two are a great help.

All that Floyd needs is
enough people to tell him

that he's a handsome, desirable
bachelor and he'll be fine.

Well, go ahead, girls.

Get the blueberry
pies out of the oven.

I don't think Floyd's
coming. Okay, Mom.

"Handsome, desirable bachelor."

He's pathetic.

Joe, Floyd is warm,

he's affectionate,
he's gentle...

He's pathetic. He's pathetic.

Now, stop that.

Floyd! What are you doing?

Oh-oh, oh... I
just couldn't resist

the smell of the blueberry pie.

But please don't tell
your ma I was here.

She's mad at me.

Mom? Mad at you?

Why, she's crazy about
you. All the women are.

But especially Mom.
And who can blame her?

You're strong, you're handsome.

And you're charming
and you're intelligent...

why, you're everything
a woman could ask for.

Then how come no one
has ever asked for it?

Well... because
it's a man's place

to do the asking, not a woman's.

Yes, a woman's
place is in the kitchen.

Now, Mom's waiting for
you out in the dining room.

Thanks, you girls.

You set me straight.

I still say you men
could help give Floyd

some self-confidence
if you would just...

Kate Bradley, come to my arms!

What?

You're my woman
and I'm your man.

Now, let's do
something about it.

Floyd Smoot!

Have you been in to
my cooking sherry?

No, Kate. I don't
need no false courage.

I got love.

Now, Kate, don't you cry.

I know you waited
a long time for this.

But it's come at last.

I want to marry you.

How 'bout it, Judge Drucker?

Well, uh... don't you think

you better wait
for Kate's answer?

Yes. You heard her.

She said "yes." No, I-I...

Huh? Oh, no, Floyd,
you're choking me.

Hey... somebody
hid my Indian again.

Don't they realize that
was carved out of living oak

by my great, great
great uncle Kit Carson?

Thing like that
gives a hotel class.

Ooh-wee!

If that pig had known what Kate
was going to do to his knuckles,

he'd have died happy. Hey.

Hey, that's my chair.

Kate and Floyd out here?

I can't find them anyplace.

Why, you in a
hurry to marry them?

Of course not.

Kate's in a spot.

She might need our help.

If you find her, ask her
where she hid my Indian.

Oh, Betty Jo, you got
any idea where Floyd

and your mother disappeared to?

No, Mr. Drucker.

The last I saw Floyd,
he was going down

to the train to get his guitar.

Oh, no. Poor Kate.

(guitar playing)

There he is.

Yeah?

But where?

Where is he?

Can anybody tell what
direction that's coming from?

No, but I hope the wind changes.

Them knuckles I ate
is clenching into a fist.

He may be down
at the railroad track.

Come on, Betty Jo.

(song ends)

Whoo, I'm glad that's over.

Hold it, Charlie.

What's the matter?

Now, let's start over again.

When I rock, you rock.

Now.

Nothing makes me edgier

than people rockin' against me.

Listen, girls, we've
got to scare Floyd

out of the notion of
wanting to marry me.

Now, I've got an idea.

You know how shy
and bashful he is.

Not tonight. Well, not with me.

But when he comes back
to help you with the dishes,

I'm going to leave.

And I want you to
ask him to explain

about the birds
and the bees. Mom!

Oh... don't worry.

He'll run like a scared rabbit.

Oh, Floyd!

Come in, come in, Floyd!

The girls are so happy

you're going to help
them with the dishes.

Aren't you, girls?

Uh, we sure are, Daddy Floyd.

Oh-ho, Billie.

Why, Daddy Floyd,

you're blushing from ear to ear.

I hope you don't mind
us calling you daddy,

but we never had a
father to tell us things.

And there's
something we'd like you

to tell us right
now. What's that?

All about the...
birds and the bees.

You don't know about
the birds and the bees?

Well, I guess you're old enough

to learn about the
birds and the bees.

The birds... I'll tell you
about the birds first.

And they go like this:

(bird calling)

Now, you take the bees,

they do it altogether different.

I mean, the sound. It goes:

(mimicking buzzing)

Now, you don't want
to get 'em mixed up

'cause the bees will sting you.

Now, just remember,
the birds is bigger

and goes like this:

(bird calling)

And bees is littler,
and goes like this:

(mimicking buzzing)

You sure you don't
know about this?

Where have you been?

We've been looking
everywhere. Where's Floyd?

Oh, he's in the kitchen,
but he's going to come

running in here any minute.

What are you playing,
hide and seek?

He's going to want to hide,

because Bobbie Jo
and Billie Jo are asking

Daddy Floyd to explain
about the birds and the bees.

Oh-ho, this I gotta hear!

You go get your books
and do your homework.

This I gotta hear.

Me, too.

(bird calling)

(mimicking buzzing)

Well, you don't think that...

Oh, with Floyd, it's possible.

Floyd!

Just a minute, Kate.

Girls, have you learned enough?

Yes, Daddy Floyd.
Yes, Daddy Floyd.

Just remember:

(bird calling)

(mimicking buzzing)

We'll remember. We'll remember.

I'll be back later,

tell you about the
pigs and the chickens.

(snorting, clucking)

KATE: Floyd.

Coming, Kate.

Should I bring my guitar?

N-No, no, no.

I just want to talk to you.

What an I going to do, Sam?

BETTY JO: Mom? Yes, dear?

Were either one of
you good in history?

I'm having an awful time.

Yes, Kate dear?

Here's the man who's going

to help you with your
homework from now on:

your Daddy Floyd.

Yeah, Floyd, now
that's something

you've got to get used to,

helping the girls
with their homework.

My teacher always said
I was exceptional bright.

What do you want to know, Betty?

Well, right now we're
studying the Mexican War.

Are we having a war with Mexico?

Come on, Sam...

Floyd, the Mexican War

started over a
hundred years ago.

And we ain't whipped 'em yet?

Doggone it, Charlie, if
you're going to rock, rock.

Don't sit there sidesaddle.

I'm sorry, Joe.

All right, now we'll
get a fresh start.

A-one, a-two... a-rock.

Listen, boys, if
we don't help Kate,

she's liable to wind up
being Mrs. Floyd Smoot.

Terrible name. It's pathetic.

Oh, I have no
objection to the name.

I do.

Mrs. Smoot... sounds like a
truck dumping wet cement.

I tell you what, Kate.

I can fire up the Cannonball
and sneak you in to Pixley.

That'll give Floyd overnight

to kind of sleep off
this love binge he's on.

Old Floyd wouldn't sleep a wink

worrying about his train.

Boys, you've done it. Done what?

Solve the problem.

Listen.

I'm glad you changed your mind

about a moonlight stroll.

You sure you don't want
me to go get my guitar?

No, Floyd... We have
things to talk about.

Now, then, uh...
you'll run the hotel.

Oh, sure, when I'm
not running the train.

Oh, well, I don't think
you'll have time for both.

But, Kate, I'm the only one

that knows how to...
(steam whistle blows)

Why, there ain't nothing
to firing a locomotive, boys.

Easiest job on Earth.

Come on!

I tell you what, Joe.

You fire it one day,
and I'll fire it the next.

Sounds good to me, Sam.

Get down out of
there and get your

grimy hands off of my wood.

Why, Floyd, you won't have time

for the Cannonball no more.

You're going to
be a married man.

And you'll be busy
firing Kate's stove.

Ain't nobody going to fire

the Hooterville
Cannonball but me.

Now, get yourself
down out of there.

Why, Floyd.

Did I hear right?

You mean you're choosing
the train instead of me?

Now, Kate, please
don't go to balling again.

Doggone it, if I got
to make a choice...

I-I understand.

And I'm going to be
very brave about it.

I guess you were a bachelor

too long to get snared now.

Kate, I'll take you
back to the hotel.

I'll come along. Me, too.

Me, too.

Oh, no, Floyd.

You stay here

with your first and only love.

It isn't my only love, Kate.

Please let me go along.

No, Floyd and that's final.

Well, then, Kate?

What is it, Floyd?

Will you bring me back
down some blueberry pie?

Sure, I will.

How do you like that?

I finished third
behind blueberry pie.

(theme music playing)

This has been a
Filmways presentation.