Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 28 - The Hooterville Flivverball - full transcript
Uncle Joe gets angry at Charlie and Floyd when he is left behind by the Cannonball. He decides to start his own transport business by using the "Flivverball" an old car converted into a railway car. Kate must now deal with the feuding groups before the cannonball goes out of business.
One of the great
things about trains
is the names they have:
The Midnight Special,
The Zephyr, the Cannonball,
the Flivverball.
Hmm, that last one lacks a
little horsepower somehow.
Nonetheless, that's
Uncle Joe's answer
to the bankrupt Cannonball.
So let's go back
to March 31, 1964...
And here it is,
chugging down the track
under the power of
Orville Miggs' automobile,
"The Hooterville Flivverball."
(train whistle blows twice)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows twice)
(train whistle blowing)
(steam hissing)
Board!
Here you are, Joe.
Just like Kate would have picked
if she'd been here
to buy it herself.
Sam, I just told you.
While Kate's in Groverdale
visiting her sick Aunt Winifred,
I'm doing the buying
and the deciding.
I'll take that one.
But, Joe, those are identical
to the one I just gave you.
That one.
Okay, Joe.
(laughs)
FLOYD: Board!
That's better.
This one's in good shape.
Yeah, you old fox, you
really got the best one
out of me that time, didn't you?
Well, how much do you want
for this little beauty,
Sam old boy?
Dollar and a quarter.
A dollar and a quarter
for a washboard?!
Why for that money, it
ought to have a motor on it.
About ready to go, Joe?
I'll be along in
a minute, Floyd,
as soon as we straighten
out a little price problem.
Well, hurry it up.
The Cannonball's
ready to pull out.
Make you an offer... 50 cents.
Why didn't you ask me
the price sooner, Joe?
You know you get much
more fun out of the haggling
than you do out of the buying.
Now you know
that ain't true, Sam.
Well?
Well, what?
Ain't you gonna make
me a counteroffer?
Okay, Joe.
How's about a buck, 20?
Six bits, not a nickel more.
Nothing doing.
Try a buck even.
Okay, a buck even it is.
Nothing doing.
My top price is 90 cents.
There you are, Joe.
Congratulations.
What's this?
That's Drucker's special
secret prize of the day.
You just won it.
You're now officially
Hooterville's
number one haggler.
Oh, now, that's a lot
of nonsense, Sam.
Let's get back to business.
I just made you
an offer of 90 cents.
What do you say?
I say, if you work
at it a little bit,
you could be the number one
haggler in the whole county.
90 cents.
Sold. Let's have the money.
Charge it. Charge it?!
But mark it under protest.
What have you got here, Sam?
Uh, men's hats.
They're on special.
We can get together
on price, I might buy one.
Come on, Joe,
what's holding you up?
I'll be along as soon as I
finish my business, Floyd.
You better finish
it pretty soon.
It's one thing for us to
be an hour and a half late,
but you're pushing it
pretty close to two hours.
Ah, what's the difference?
Nothing, but today we
got other people waiting.
I'll be along in a few minutes.
We can't wait that long.
Them folks is getting riled.
Come on, now, or we'll
have to pull out without you.
(chuckles): Pull out without me.
That's ridiculous.
Joe, you got exactly
30 seconds left
to catch that train,
and that's official.
Maybe you better go, Joe.
He sounded like he meant it.
Oh, Floyd talks
more than he says.
Pull out without me.
(laughs)
That's ridiculous.
How do I look?
Terrible.
Board!
Come on, Floyd.
Let's go.
What do you say, Sam... How
much you want for this one?
(train whistle blowing)
(train chugging)
All right, Joe, since
you got plenty of time
before you start that nice
long walk back to Shady Rest,
I'm opening the
haggling at a dollar.
And you just went off and
left Uncle Joe in Hooterville?
Had to, Billie Jo.
There was people waiting.
I went into Drucker's six times
and tried to drag him out.
You know him. When
he gets to gabbing,
there's no way to cork him up.
Well, I can understand
how you both felt,
but I can't help worrying
about poor Uncle Joe
walking all that way.
Yeah, he's apt to
be a little peeved.
Well, hi, Uncle Joe.
I see you got the washboard.
Uh, Charley and
Floyd were telling us
about how you didn't
quite catch the Cannonball.
Charley and Floyd who?
Now, Uncle Joe, that's no way
to talk about old friends.
Well, if you're referring to
those two impatient operators
of that rusty pile of junk
laughingly called the
Hooterville Cannonball,
I ain't interested.
Joe, you know the whole
thing was your own fault.
I give you fair warning.
Girls, it seems to me I
hear voices in this room.
Would you mind telling them
that from now on, any
time they're broadcasting,
I won't be tuning in?
And while you're
about it, girls,
would you tell old
Uncle Sore Head
that before we talk to him,
we'd sooner talk
to a hollow log?
JOE: Girls, would
you mind telling them
that the thing you usually find
at the end of a
hollow log is a skunk.
Them two polecats must be gone.
The air smells a
lot better in here.
Joe, are you going to keep
up this silly fight forever?
Silly fight, my eye.
It's a matter of principle.
What principle?
I don't know, but there's
one here somewhere.
Betty Jo, you sure look pretty.
Where you going?
Orville's picking me up to
take me to a movie matinee.
Picking you up? In what?
In his flivver.
Well, how's he gonna do that?
The nearest road's
two miles over the hill.
He latched on to some
old handcart wheels,
and he replaced his
regular car wheels with them.
You're joshing.
(old-fashioned car horn honking)
There he is. I don't believe it.
Well, there's only
one way to find out.
Come on out and take a look.
This I got to see.
Okay, Betty Jo, we're all set.
Orville, how did you do it?
Oh, brains, patience
and perseverance.
And the help of
my older brother.
He's a mechanical engineer.
Well, what do you
say now, Uncle Joe?
Well, I haven't
seen it work yet.
Come on, Orville,
you can tell us.
You pushed it in
here, didn't you?
Oh, gosh, no, Mr. Carson.
Well, hop in, Betty
Jo, and we'll show him.
(engine starts)
Well, Uncle Joe?
Like I always said... That
boy's got a lot of talent.
When did you ever say that?
Starting right now.
He's got more talent
than he realizes.
In fact, he's just become
a partner in a new railroad.
I'm a little afraid
to ask, but, uh,
what are you talking about?
What I'm talking about is
that the Hooterville Cannonball
is about to have
a little competition
from the Hooterville
Flivverball.
(horn honking)
(horn honking)
(engine chugging)
(brake squeaks)
Welcome back, kids.
How was the show?
Fine, but riding in
this was the real fun.
Well, thanks for taking
me to the show, Orville,
and especially
for the keen ride.
Ah, sure thing, Betty Jo.
Come on, Uncle Joe.
You go on up to
the house, honey.
I want to talk to my good
buddy Orville for a minute.
Let me get this
straight, Mr. Carson.
You want to go into
partnership with me?
Of course I do.
You got talent, intelligence
and brain power, my boy.
I have?
And a car with flanged wheels.
You really think we can
compete with the Cannonball?
Why not?
They may be bigger,
but we got more speed.
We can make a dozen
runs to Hooterville
while they're still trying
to get up steam in Pixley.
And all I have to do is
lend you the car, huh?
And furnish the gas and oil.
And we'll split the
profits after that
right down through the middle.
Mr. Carson, I don't
know what to say.
Now let's look at it this way.
What other boy
ever had half interest
in a railroad at 16?
I guess you're right.
Well, of course
I'm right, partner.
Girls, your mother's
a great little woman,
but she just ain't got
my business instincts.
Now when she gets back
and sees what I'm doing,
she'll be proud.
What she'll be is furious.
Oh, no, she won't.
She's never really
seen me in action yet.
Why, before long,
Orville and me'll have
diesel locomotives,
tank cars, Vista Domes.
Hooterville will be the
hub of the railroad industry.
Might even buy out
the New York Central.
Uncle Joe, you know you don't
believe a word you're saying.
What do you mean?
I mean that you're doing
this for one purpose only...
To get even with poor
Charley and Floyd.
Yeah, poor is right.
When I get through with them,
they ain't gonna have
enough steam left
to blow their whistle.
Uncle Joe, now
listen a minute, please.
The Cannonball is Charley
and Floyd's whole livelihood.
Well, if it's their livelihood,
they ought to know
better than to go around
leaving important
passengers stranded.
Now, Uncle Joe, you
know whose fault that was.
You're dang right.
I got it figured.
40% Floyd for making the signal,
60% Charley for leaving.
Well, Charley, Floyd, we
were just talking about you,
weren't we, Uncle Joe?
You were.
I was talking about
the railroading business.
Hey, what's that
fool flivver doing
sitting down below
on our tracks?
Your tracks?
Them ain't no more your tracks
than they are anybody else's.
But it's our railroad.
Has been up until now.
You and Charley
had a pretty slick
little monopoly going.
Joe, what in tarnation
are you talking about?
I ain't talking, I'm telling.
At 8:04 tomorrow morning,
The little Hooterville
Flivverball sitting down there
is gonna run your
Cannonball out of business.
Ha! You're gonna
run us out of business
with that little thing?
That's the biggest
joke I ever heard.
Yeah? Within a couple of days,
you'll be laughing
out of the other side
of your boiler.
Why that ornery old coot.
Reckon he's really serious.
Who'd think he'd go that far,
just 'cause we made him walk
home with that washboard?
Oh, there's nothing
to worry about.
By tomorrow morning,
when Uncle Joe finds out
that there's work
connected with this,
he'll forget the whole thing.
I hope.
Step right up, folks.
Ride the Hooterville
Flivverball,
a new adventure
in railroad travel.
Remember our slogan...
Fresh air, low fare!
Did you ever seen anything
as ridiculous in your life?
Yeah, who would ride in
that pneumonia buggy?
Are you tired of riding
in that cooped up coach
with stale, used-up air?
Then ride in the wide
open fresh air Flivverball,
especially equipped
for sight-seeing.
How do you do, sir?
I can see that you're
an experienced,
discriminating traveler.
Just step aboard.
We'll be pulling out
as soon as we're sure
we're not leaving
anybody behind.
He sure grabs hold of a
grudge real strong, don't he?
He's got an elephant's
memory and a mule's nature.
Just step aboard, madam.
(chicken clucking)
On the Flivverball,
both you and your
chicken are welcome.
(clucking)
Take the scenic route, folks.
Unlimited view of all
historical points of interest.
Uh, just step in, folks.
There's room for everybody.
I'll be switched.
He seems to be getting a few.
He seems to be getting
more than we're getting.
Some people will
take to anything
just 'cause it's new
and fashionable.
(clanking)
(engine starts)
Well, folks, it's
departure time,
and we're departing.
(engine pops)
(chicken clucking,
engine popping)
I'll say one thing
for his train...
It's got pickup.
Yeah, but we got his overflow.
(brakes screeching)
(motor backfiring)
(brakes screeching)
(backfires)
(brakes screeching,
pig squealing)
(motor backfires, pig screeches)
You mean that people actually
paid money to ride that thing?
Joe was cranking
that money changer
like somebody wound
him up at the elbow.
Well, where's Uncle Joe now?
He hasn't missed
dinner in over 15 years.
It's getting pretty late.
What time is it?
Uh... it's 8:00.
Maybe he's picking up
the late revelers at Pixley.
$7.37, and that's
just for the first day.
After I convert to diesel
and get longer benches,
I'll have all of
Hooterville at my feet.
Uncle Joe, you don't really mean
that you're going to continue
running that Flivverball
like this day after day.
Why not?
I'll tell you why not.
You keep this up and Floyd
and me'll be out in the cold.
And when you're out in
the cold, it's pretty cold.
You big cartels are all alike.
You talk about the
glories of competition,
but the minute somebody
opens up beside you,
you start to cry.
Gentlemen, please.
Now, don't you think
it's time you apologized
to each other and made up?
We'll apologize if
he'll apologize first
for trying to run
us out of business.
I ain't apologizing
until you two admit it
was a low-down trick
to leave me stranded
at Drucker's store.
Now, if you young
ladies'll excuse me,
I'll get to bed and get
ready for another busy day.
Uncle Joe, aren't you
going to have any dinner?
Well, I'll have a sandwich
and a glass of milk
in my room while I
go over my accounts.
We'd better get home
and get to bed, too.
We got to get out
early to try to keep up.
Bye, girls. Bye, fellas.
Good night, Charley,
good night, Floyd.
See you tomorrow.
Girls, thanks for the dinner.
Good morning, Uncle
Joe. Hi, Uncle Joe.
Morning, Uncle
Joe. Morning, girls.
You got some breakfast
for a hungry railroad man?
Mom's in the kitchen
getting it ready.
Your mom's home?
Yeah, she got in last night,
and Aunt Winifred's just fine.
I can close my eyes and
tell you what we're having.
Country sausage, buckwheat
cakes, and blueberry syrup.
It's my favorite breakfast.
We told her what's
been going on, Uncle Joe.
I think she's got
a surprise for you.
Good morning, Uncle Joe.
Good morning.
Welcome home, my dear.
Thank you, it's good to be home.
Tell me something.
Are you still in the
railroad business?
I'll say I'm still in
the railroad business.
Couple more days and I'll have
that Cannonball in mothballs.
(chuckling): I guess that
makes you feel real proud.
Well, let's face it.
Some of us have it
and some of us don't.
Putting Floyd and Charley
out of business would be a...
real triumph, wouldn't it?
When they sell that
Cannonball for junk,
it'll be the happiest
day of my life.
Well, I guess when big
businessmen get to competing,
uh, there's just no
room for sentiment.
Kate, you're finally
getting realistic.
You know, in the
jungle of big business,
somebody has to suffer.
Mm-hmm.
Kate, are you
forgetting something?
Oh... I don't think
so, Uncle Joe.
What?
My plate... ain't nothing
on it but the painted flowers.
(chuckling): Yeah, that's right.
Aren't we planning
on covering 'em up
with hotcakes and sausage?
No, we're not.
As long as this
silly feud keeps up
between you, Charley and Floyd,
none of you are going to
have a bite to eat at this table.
You're joshing.
(chuckles)
I am?
Would you plea... pardon me...
Would you please pass
the blueberry syrup, Billie Jo?
Pinch me, Billie Jo, I think
I'm having a bad dream.
Oh, no, it's no
dream, Uncle Joe,
but now that you're a
successful railroad man,
you can eat in town
at the Pixley Diner.
Kate, you know
I'm a forgiving man.
I'm going to give you one more
chance to change your mind.
Do I get some hotcakes
and sausage or don't I?
You don't.
Pass the butter.
That does it.
Girls, you've got
the doggonedest,
stubbornest mother
that ever was.
Where are you going, Uncle Joe?
Where do you think I'm going?
I'm going to run
that Flivverball
until I die at the
throttle of malnutrition.
Do we smell sausage
and buckwheat cakes?
Yeah, and that's all you're
going to get's a smell.
That woman's
turning real difficult.
What's the matter
with Ol' Grumpy?
Uncle Joe's always grumpy
when he hasn't eaten breakfast.
And he sure hasn't
had any this morning.
How come? Has he got dyspepsia?
No.
Uncle Joe just has a
bad case of the stubborns.
And Mom told him he wasn't
going to get a bite of food
until he stopped this
nonsense with the Flivverball.
(chuckling): It's a good
thing you're back, Kate.
Yeah, smart thinking, Kate.
That'll bring him
back to his senses.
If he's got any.
That's the only way to treat
a stubborn old fool like him.
That's what I thought.
I knew you boys'd be ready
to apologize and make up.
Us apologize?
To that old railroad pirate?
Never in a million years.
Well... that just
ended breakfast.
You mean you're not
going to feed us either?
Not as long as you
three keep feuding.
Well, Floyd, I reckon we
might as well get going.
I guess we might as well.
So long, Kate. So long.
So long, boys.
Mom, don't you think
you were a little hard
on Charley and Floyd?
And Uncle Joe, too.
Well, you practically
took the sausages
right out of their mouths.
(all chuckling)
You girls remember
when you were little kids
and you used to have those
stubborn spats with each other?
Well, sure, Mom.
But what you don't remember
is how I got you over them.
How did you?
I used to get you so mad at me
that you forgot about
being mad at each other.
Oh, I see.
What you're doing is starving
Uncle Joe, Charley and Floyd
into getting mad at you.
And going back to
being good friends again.
Now, let's clear the table.
Mom. Hmm?
There's something
I don't understand.
What's that, Betty?
Well, when we were kids
and you got us over
being mad at each other
by getting us mad at you,
well, how did you get us
to stop being mad at you?
Honey, that was always
the real tricky part.
What a breakfast for a
big railroad executive.
Joe, those bananas
are a little green,
and if you keep on eating 'em,
you're going to get
a little green, too.
Well, a man's got
to eat something
to hold body and soul together.
Well, I don't know
about your soul,
but you could afford to lose
about 40 pounds of body.
Well, if Kate don't
come to her senses,
I'll be known as the
Hooterville Skeleton.
Somebody ought to
come to their senses,
but it ain't Kate.
Why don't you give that
fool flivver back to Orville
and let Charley and
Floyd run the railroad?
Ha.
Them two nincompoops
couldn't run an electric train
on a living room rug.
(train whistle blowing)
I'd better get going.
I got to beat 'em through
the switch to Pixley.
Well, now, just a minute, Joe.
Them bananas
cost a nickel apiece.
Sam, how can you talk
about the price of bananas
in the middle of a railroad war?
I'd have bought more bananas
if I'd known I was going to have
so many monkeys in here today.
Sam, we ain't enjoying
living on bananas.
But it's better than
the Pixley Diner.
Them blue plate
specials of theirs
is turning Charley and me blue.
All you have to do
is apologize to Joe
and you'll have your feet
back under Kate's table.
We wouldn't apologize to him
if he was head of
the New York Central.
Come on, Floyd, let's
see if we can knock him
off the track on
the way to Pixley.
I knew this old army mess kit
would come in handy some day.
Well, if the Army had
to travel on its stomach
and waited for you
to do the cooking,
we'd have lost the war for sure.
Wait till you taste this.
You're going to be surprised.
I'll be surprised if I
ever get to taste it.
Charley, I'm the conductor
and I don't mind
helping fire the engine,
but I never signed on as a cook.
Do I smell something cooking?
Well, if it ain't
the big railroader.
Floyd, give
Mr. Vanderbilt a seat.
Don't be so smart-alecky.
Floyd, what you cooking?
He's cooking some food for us.
Oh, Charley, let's
give him a little.
He's starving just like we are.
I don't know as I'd accept
charity, even if it was offered.
Okay, we won't offer you any.
On second thought, I'll accept.
(grunts)
Here you are.
Beef stew a la World War I.
Stew like this could
lead to World War III.
I never thought anything
could taste worse
than green bananas,
but, Floyd, you've done it.
(clears throat)
Boy, it is awful, ain't it?
Somewhere between
World War I and now,
I must have lost my touch.
I suppose you know who
got us into all this trouble.
Kate. That's right.
If it wasn't for her,
we wouldn't be
suffering like this.
That stew on top of
them green bananas
is sure starting
to make me suffer.
That's the trouble with women.
They ain't got no
sense of humor.
You're right, Joe.
A few old friends start
having a little good-natured fun
and right away some
woman comes along
and starts taking it serious.
Of course.
But how could she figure
I was planning on staying
into the railroad business...
Me up to my ears in
work running that hotel?
Like I was telling
Kate a little while ago,
it's just too much
work for one man...
no matter how talented he is.
You're right, Joe, your place
is back on the front porch
of the Shady Rest,
making decisions.
And our place is
running this Cannonball.
And all of our place
is right back where we can
get our feet under Kate's table.
You know what's going
on over there right now?
What?
Kate's laying out a spread
of chicken and dumplings
that'd make a statue
come running to the table.
Well, what are we doing here?
You know what the old World
War I infantry manual said?
Sure.
When they got you
completely surrounded,
surrender and join the enemy.
Let's go.
Hi, Kate.
Just happened to be
in the neighborhood
and thought we'd drop in.
Just thought we'd
come in and say hi.
Am I to assume that the
railroad trouble is over?
What railroad trouble?
Kate, hadn't you heard?
Uncle Joe is back
in the hotel business.
Well, I'm sure
glad to hear that.
We can't get along
without you, Uncle Joe.
Hear that, boys?
Women are helpless without us.
(chuckles)
Why don't the three of
you join us for supper?
Oh, I don't know, we
just had quite a meal.
Quite a meal is right.
Oh, well, suit yourselves.
I have to call another
guest, so please excuse me.
Mr. Anderson?
Supper's ready.
Who's that?
That's J.P. Anderson,
a salesman otherwise
known as Wipeout Anderson,
the bottomless pit
of the eating world.
We'd better get to
the table before him
or there won't be a bone left.
Uh, full as we are, I
think we'll try a little
of your chicken
and dumplings, Kate.
Well, whether you can
choke down a bite or not,
it's sure good to
see the three of you
sitting at this table again.
Mr. Anderson.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.
things about trains
is the names they have:
The Midnight Special,
The Zephyr, the Cannonball,
the Flivverball.
Hmm, that last one lacks a
little horsepower somehow.
Nonetheless, that's
Uncle Joe's answer
to the bankrupt Cannonball.
So let's go back
to March 31, 1964...
And here it is,
chugging down the track
under the power of
Orville Miggs' automobile,
"The Hooterville Flivverball."
(train whistle blows twice)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows twice)
(train whistle blowing)
(steam hissing)
Board!
Here you are, Joe.
Just like Kate would have picked
if she'd been here
to buy it herself.
Sam, I just told you.
While Kate's in Groverdale
visiting her sick Aunt Winifred,
I'm doing the buying
and the deciding.
I'll take that one.
But, Joe, those are identical
to the one I just gave you.
That one.
Okay, Joe.
(laughs)
FLOYD: Board!
That's better.
This one's in good shape.
Yeah, you old fox, you
really got the best one
out of me that time, didn't you?
Well, how much do you want
for this little beauty,
Sam old boy?
Dollar and a quarter.
A dollar and a quarter
for a washboard?!
Why for that money, it
ought to have a motor on it.
About ready to go, Joe?
I'll be along in
a minute, Floyd,
as soon as we straighten
out a little price problem.
Well, hurry it up.
The Cannonball's
ready to pull out.
Make you an offer... 50 cents.
Why didn't you ask me
the price sooner, Joe?
You know you get much
more fun out of the haggling
than you do out of the buying.
Now you know
that ain't true, Sam.
Well?
Well, what?
Ain't you gonna make
me a counteroffer?
Okay, Joe.
How's about a buck, 20?
Six bits, not a nickel more.
Nothing doing.
Try a buck even.
Okay, a buck even it is.
Nothing doing.
My top price is 90 cents.
There you are, Joe.
Congratulations.
What's this?
That's Drucker's special
secret prize of the day.
You just won it.
You're now officially
Hooterville's
number one haggler.
Oh, now, that's a lot
of nonsense, Sam.
Let's get back to business.
I just made you
an offer of 90 cents.
What do you say?
I say, if you work
at it a little bit,
you could be the number one
haggler in the whole county.
90 cents.
Sold. Let's have the money.
Charge it. Charge it?!
But mark it under protest.
What have you got here, Sam?
Uh, men's hats.
They're on special.
We can get together
on price, I might buy one.
Come on, Joe,
what's holding you up?
I'll be along as soon as I
finish my business, Floyd.
You better finish
it pretty soon.
It's one thing for us to
be an hour and a half late,
but you're pushing it
pretty close to two hours.
Ah, what's the difference?
Nothing, but today we
got other people waiting.
I'll be along in a few minutes.
We can't wait that long.
Them folks is getting riled.
Come on, now, or we'll
have to pull out without you.
(chuckles): Pull out without me.
That's ridiculous.
Joe, you got exactly
30 seconds left
to catch that train,
and that's official.
Maybe you better go, Joe.
He sounded like he meant it.
Oh, Floyd talks
more than he says.
Pull out without me.
(laughs)
That's ridiculous.
How do I look?
Terrible.
Board!
Come on, Floyd.
Let's go.
What do you say, Sam... How
much you want for this one?
(train whistle blowing)
(train chugging)
All right, Joe, since
you got plenty of time
before you start that nice
long walk back to Shady Rest,
I'm opening the
haggling at a dollar.
And you just went off and
left Uncle Joe in Hooterville?
Had to, Billie Jo.
There was people waiting.
I went into Drucker's six times
and tried to drag him out.
You know him. When
he gets to gabbing,
there's no way to cork him up.
Well, I can understand
how you both felt,
but I can't help worrying
about poor Uncle Joe
walking all that way.
Yeah, he's apt to
be a little peeved.
Well, hi, Uncle Joe.
I see you got the washboard.
Uh, Charley and
Floyd were telling us
about how you didn't
quite catch the Cannonball.
Charley and Floyd who?
Now, Uncle Joe, that's no way
to talk about old friends.
Well, if you're referring to
those two impatient operators
of that rusty pile of junk
laughingly called the
Hooterville Cannonball,
I ain't interested.
Joe, you know the whole
thing was your own fault.
I give you fair warning.
Girls, it seems to me I
hear voices in this room.
Would you mind telling them
that from now on, any
time they're broadcasting,
I won't be tuning in?
And while you're
about it, girls,
would you tell old
Uncle Sore Head
that before we talk to him,
we'd sooner talk
to a hollow log?
JOE: Girls, would
you mind telling them
that the thing you usually find
at the end of a
hollow log is a skunk.
Them two polecats must be gone.
The air smells a
lot better in here.
Joe, are you going to keep
up this silly fight forever?
Silly fight, my eye.
It's a matter of principle.
What principle?
I don't know, but there's
one here somewhere.
Betty Jo, you sure look pretty.
Where you going?
Orville's picking me up to
take me to a movie matinee.
Picking you up? In what?
In his flivver.
Well, how's he gonna do that?
The nearest road's
two miles over the hill.
He latched on to some
old handcart wheels,
and he replaced his
regular car wheels with them.
You're joshing.
(old-fashioned car horn honking)
There he is. I don't believe it.
Well, there's only
one way to find out.
Come on out and take a look.
This I got to see.
Okay, Betty Jo, we're all set.
Orville, how did you do it?
Oh, brains, patience
and perseverance.
And the help of
my older brother.
He's a mechanical engineer.
Well, what do you
say now, Uncle Joe?
Well, I haven't
seen it work yet.
Come on, Orville,
you can tell us.
You pushed it in
here, didn't you?
Oh, gosh, no, Mr. Carson.
Well, hop in, Betty
Jo, and we'll show him.
(engine starts)
Well, Uncle Joe?
Like I always said... That
boy's got a lot of talent.
When did you ever say that?
Starting right now.
He's got more talent
than he realizes.
In fact, he's just become
a partner in a new railroad.
I'm a little afraid
to ask, but, uh,
what are you talking about?
What I'm talking about is
that the Hooterville Cannonball
is about to have
a little competition
from the Hooterville
Flivverball.
(horn honking)
(horn honking)
(engine chugging)
(brake squeaks)
Welcome back, kids.
How was the show?
Fine, but riding in
this was the real fun.
Well, thanks for taking
me to the show, Orville,
and especially
for the keen ride.
Ah, sure thing, Betty Jo.
Come on, Uncle Joe.
You go on up to
the house, honey.
I want to talk to my good
buddy Orville for a minute.
Let me get this
straight, Mr. Carson.
You want to go into
partnership with me?
Of course I do.
You got talent, intelligence
and brain power, my boy.
I have?
And a car with flanged wheels.
You really think we can
compete with the Cannonball?
Why not?
They may be bigger,
but we got more speed.
We can make a dozen
runs to Hooterville
while they're still trying
to get up steam in Pixley.
And all I have to do is
lend you the car, huh?
And furnish the gas and oil.
And we'll split the
profits after that
right down through the middle.
Mr. Carson, I don't
know what to say.
Now let's look at it this way.
What other boy
ever had half interest
in a railroad at 16?
I guess you're right.
Well, of course
I'm right, partner.
Girls, your mother's
a great little woman,
but she just ain't got
my business instincts.
Now when she gets back
and sees what I'm doing,
she'll be proud.
What she'll be is furious.
Oh, no, she won't.
She's never really
seen me in action yet.
Why, before long,
Orville and me'll have
diesel locomotives,
tank cars, Vista Domes.
Hooterville will be the
hub of the railroad industry.
Might even buy out
the New York Central.
Uncle Joe, you know you don't
believe a word you're saying.
What do you mean?
I mean that you're doing
this for one purpose only...
To get even with poor
Charley and Floyd.
Yeah, poor is right.
When I get through with them,
they ain't gonna have
enough steam left
to blow their whistle.
Uncle Joe, now
listen a minute, please.
The Cannonball is Charley
and Floyd's whole livelihood.
Well, if it's their livelihood,
they ought to know
better than to go around
leaving important
passengers stranded.
Now, Uncle Joe, you
know whose fault that was.
You're dang right.
I got it figured.
40% Floyd for making the signal,
60% Charley for leaving.
Well, Charley, Floyd, we
were just talking about you,
weren't we, Uncle Joe?
You were.
I was talking about
the railroading business.
Hey, what's that
fool flivver doing
sitting down below
on our tracks?
Your tracks?
Them ain't no more your tracks
than they are anybody else's.
But it's our railroad.
Has been up until now.
You and Charley
had a pretty slick
little monopoly going.
Joe, what in tarnation
are you talking about?
I ain't talking, I'm telling.
At 8:04 tomorrow morning,
The little Hooterville
Flivverball sitting down there
is gonna run your
Cannonball out of business.
Ha! You're gonna
run us out of business
with that little thing?
That's the biggest
joke I ever heard.
Yeah? Within a couple of days,
you'll be laughing
out of the other side
of your boiler.
Why that ornery old coot.
Reckon he's really serious.
Who'd think he'd go that far,
just 'cause we made him walk
home with that washboard?
Oh, there's nothing
to worry about.
By tomorrow morning,
when Uncle Joe finds out
that there's work
connected with this,
he'll forget the whole thing.
I hope.
Step right up, folks.
Ride the Hooterville
Flivverball,
a new adventure
in railroad travel.
Remember our slogan...
Fresh air, low fare!
Did you ever seen anything
as ridiculous in your life?
Yeah, who would ride in
that pneumonia buggy?
Are you tired of riding
in that cooped up coach
with stale, used-up air?
Then ride in the wide
open fresh air Flivverball,
especially equipped
for sight-seeing.
How do you do, sir?
I can see that you're
an experienced,
discriminating traveler.
Just step aboard.
We'll be pulling out
as soon as we're sure
we're not leaving
anybody behind.
He sure grabs hold of a
grudge real strong, don't he?
He's got an elephant's
memory and a mule's nature.
Just step aboard, madam.
(chicken clucking)
On the Flivverball,
both you and your
chicken are welcome.
(clucking)
Take the scenic route, folks.
Unlimited view of all
historical points of interest.
Uh, just step in, folks.
There's room for everybody.
I'll be switched.
He seems to be getting a few.
He seems to be getting
more than we're getting.
Some people will
take to anything
just 'cause it's new
and fashionable.
(clanking)
(engine starts)
Well, folks, it's
departure time,
and we're departing.
(engine pops)
(chicken clucking,
engine popping)
I'll say one thing
for his train...
It's got pickup.
Yeah, but we got his overflow.
(brakes screeching)
(motor backfiring)
(brakes screeching)
(backfires)
(brakes screeching,
pig squealing)
(motor backfires, pig screeches)
You mean that people actually
paid money to ride that thing?
Joe was cranking
that money changer
like somebody wound
him up at the elbow.
Well, where's Uncle Joe now?
He hasn't missed
dinner in over 15 years.
It's getting pretty late.
What time is it?
Uh... it's 8:00.
Maybe he's picking up
the late revelers at Pixley.
$7.37, and that's
just for the first day.
After I convert to diesel
and get longer benches,
I'll have all of
Hooterville at my feet.
Uncle Joe, you don't really mean
that you're going to continue
running that Flivverball
like this day after day.
Why not?
I'll tell you why not.
You keep this up and Floyd
and me'll be out in the cold.
And when you're out in
the cold, it's pretty cold.
You big cartels are all alike.
You talk about the
glories of competition,
but the minute somebody
opens up beside you,
you start to cry.
Gentlemen, please.
Now, don't you think
it's time you apologized
to each other and made up?
We'll apologize if
he'll apologize first
for trying to run
us out of business.
I ain't apologizing
until you two admit it
was a low-down trick
to leave me stranded
at Drucker's store.
Now, if you young
ladies'll excuse me,
I'll get to bed and get
ready for another busy day.
Uncle Joe, aren't you
going to have any dinner?
Well, I'll have a sandwich
and a glass of milk
in my room while I
go over my accounts.
We'd better get home
and get to bed, too.
We got to get out
early to try to keep up.
Bye, girls. Bye, fellas.
Good night, Charley,
good night, Floyd.
See you tomorrow.
Girls, thanks for the dinner.
Good morning, Uncle
Joe. Hi, Uncle Joe.
Morning, Uncle
Joe. Morning, girls.
You got some breakfast
for a hungry railroad man?
Mom's in the kitchen
getting it ready.
Your mom's home?
Yeah, she got in last night,
and Aunt Winifred's just fine.
I can close my eyes and
tell you what we're having.
Country sausage, buckwheat
cakes, and blueberry syrup.
It's my favorite breakfast.
We told her what's
been going on, Uncle Joe.
I think she's got
a surprise for you.
Good morning, Uncle Joe.
Good morning.
Welcome home, my dear.
Thank you, it's good to be home.
Tell me something.
Are you still in the
railroad business?
I'll say I'm still in
the railroad business.
Couple more days and I'll have
that Cannonball in mothballs.
(chuckling): I guess that
makes you feel real proud.
Well, let's face it.
Some of us have it
and some of us don't.
Putting Floyd and Charley
out of business would be a...
real triumph, wouldn't it?
When they sell that
Cannonball for junk,
it'll be the happiest
day of my life.
Well, I guess when big
businessmen get to competing,
uh, there's just no
room for sentiment.
Kate, you're finally
getting realistic.
You know, in the
jungle of big business,
somebody has to suffer.
Mm-hmm.
Kate, are you
forgetting something?
Oh... I don't think
so, Uncle Joe.
What?
My plate... ain't nothing
on it but the painted flowers.
(chuckling): Yeah, that's right.
Aren't we planning
on covering 'em up
with hotcakes and sausage?
No, we're not.
As long as this
silly feud keeps up
between you, Charley and Floyd,
none of you are going to
have a bite to eat at this table.
You're joshing.
(chuckles)
I am?
Would you plea... pardon me...
Would you please pass
the blueberry syrup, Billie Jo?
Pinch me, Billie Jo, I think
I'm having a bad dream.
Oh, no, it's no
dream, Uncle Joe,
but now that you're a
successful railroad man,
you can eat in town
at the Pixley Diner.
Kate, you know
I'm a forgiving man.
I'm going to give you one more
chance to change your mind.
Do I get some hotcakes
and sausage or don't I?
You don't.
Pass the butter.
That does it.
Girls, you've got
the doggonedest,
stubbornest mother
that ever was.
Where are you going, Uncle Joe?
Where do you think I'm going?
I'm going to run
that Flivverball
until I die at the
throttle of malnutrition.
Do we smell sausage
and buckwheat cakes?
Yeah, and that's all you're
going to get's a smell.
That woman's
turning real difficult.
What's the matter
with Ol' Grumpy?
Uncle Joe's always grumpy
when he hasn't eaten breakfast.
And he sure hasn't
had any this morning.
How come? Has he got dyspepsia?
No.
Uncle Joe just has a
bad case of the stubborns.
And Mom told him he wasn't
going to get a bite of food
until he stopped this
nonsense with the Flivverball.
(chuckling): It's a good
thing you're back, Kate.
Yeah, smart thinking, Kate.
That'll bring him
back to his senses.
If he's got any.
That's the only way to treat
a stubborn old fool like him.
That's what I thought.
I knew you boys'd be ready
to apologize and make up.
Us apologize?
To that old railroad pirate?
Never in a million years.
Well... that just
ended breakfast.
You mean you're not
going to feed us either?
Not as long as you
three keep feuding.
Well, Floyd, I reckon we
might as well get going.
I guess we might as well.
So long, Kate. So long.
So long, boys.
Mom, don't you think
you were a little hard
on Charley and Floyd?
And Uncle Joe, too.
Well, you practically
took the sausages
right out of their mouths.
(all chuckling)
You girls remember
when you were little kids
and you used to have those
stubborn spats with each other?
Well, sure, Mom.
But what you don't remember
is how I got you over them.
How did you?
I used to get you so mad at me
that you forgot about
being mad at each other.
Oh, I see.
What you're doing is starving
Uncle Joe, Charley and Floyd
into getting mad at you.
And going back to
being good friends again.
Now, let's clear the table.
Mom. Hmm?
There's something
I don't understand.
What's that, Betty?
Well, when we were kids
and you got us over
being mad at each other
by getting us mad at you,
well, how did you get us
to stop being mad at you?
Honey, that was always
the real tricky part.
What a breakfast for a
big railroad executive.
Joe, those bananas
are a little green,
and if you keep on eating 'em,
you're going to get
a little green, too.
Well, a man's got
to eat something
to hold body and soul together.
Well, I don't know
about your soul,
but you could afford to lose
about 40 pounds of body.
Well, if Kate don't
come to her senses,
I'll be known as the
Hooterville Skeleton.
Somebody ought to
come to their senses,
but it ain't Kate.
Why don't you give that
fool flivver back to Orville
and let Charley and
Floyd run the railroad?
Ha.
Them two nincompoops
couldn't run an electric train
on a living room rug.
(train whistle blowing)
I'd better get going.
I got to beat 'em through
the switch to Pixley.
Well, now, just a minute, Joe.
Them bananas
cost a nickel apiece.
Sam, how can you talk
about the price of bananas
in the middle of a railroad war?
I'd have bought more bananas
if I'd known I was going to have
so many monkeys in here today.
Sam, we ain't enjoying
living on bananas.
But it's better than
the Pixley Diner.
Them blue plate
specials of theirs
is turning Charley and me blue.
All you have to do
is apologize to Joe
and you'll have your feet
back under Kate's table.
We wouldn't apologize to him
if he was head of
the New York Central.
Come on, Floyd, let's
see if we can knock him
off the track on
the way to Pixley.
I knew this old army mess kit
would come in handy some day.
Well, if the Army had
to travel on its stomach
and waited for you
to do the cooking,
we'd have lost the war for sure.
Wait till you taste this.
You're going to be surprised.
I'll be surprised if I
ever get to taste it.
Charley, I'm the conductor
and I don't mind
helping fire the engine,
but I never signed on as a cook.
Do I smell something cooking?
Well, if it ain't
the big railroader.
Floyd, give
Mr. Vanderbilt a seat.
Don't be so smart-alecky.
Floyd, what you cooking?
He's cooking some food for us.
Oh, Charley, let's
give him a little.
He's starving just like we are.
I don't know as I'd accept
charity, even if it was offered.
Okay, we won't offer you any.
On second thought, I'll accept.
(grunts)
Here you are.
Beef stew a la World War I.
Stew like this could
lead to World War III.
I never thought anything
could taste worse
than green bananas,
but, Floyd, you've done it.
(clears throat)
Boy, it is awful, ain't it?
Somewhere between
World War I and now,
I must have lost my touch.
I suppose you know who
got us into all this trouble.
Kate. That's right.
If it wasn't for her,
we wouldn't be
suffering like this.
That stew on top of
them green bananas
is sure starting
to make me suffer.
That's the trouble with women.
They ain't got no
sense of humor.
You're right, Joe.
A few old friends start
having a little good-natured fun
and right away some
woman comes along
and starts taking it serious.
Of course.
But how could she figure
I was planning on staying
into the railroad business...
Me up to my ears in
work running that hotel?
Like I was telling
Kate a little while ago,
it's just too much
work for one man...
no matter how talented he is.
You're right, Joe, your place
is back on the front porch
of the Shady Rest,
making decisions.
And our place is
running this Cannonball.
And all of our place
is right back where we can
get our feet under Kate's table.
You know what's going
on over there right now?
What?
Kate's laying out a spread
of chicken and dumplings
that'd make a statue
come running to the table.
Well, what are we doing here?
You know what the old World
War I infantry manual said?
Sure.
When they got you
completely surrounded,
surrender and join the enemy.
Let's go.
Hi, Kate.
Just happened to be
in the neighborhood
and thought we'd drop in.
Just thought we'd
come in and say hi.
Am I to assume that the
railroad trouble is over?
What railroad trouble?
Kate, hadn't you heard?
Uncle Joe is back
in the hotel business.
Well, I'm sure
glad to hear that.
We can't get along
without you, Uncle Joe.
Hear that, boys?
Women are helpless without us.
(chuckles)
Why don't the three of
you join us for supper?
Oh, I don't know, we
just had quite a meal.
Quite a meal is right.
Oh, well, suit yourselves.
I have to call another
guest, so please excuse me.
Mr. Anderson?
Supper's ready.
Who's that?
That's J.P. Anderson,
a salesman otherwise
known as Wipeout Anderson,
the bottomless pit
of the eating world.
We'd better get to
the table before him
or there won't be a bone left.
Uh, full as we are, I
think we'll try a little
of your chicken
and dumplings, Kate.
Well, whether you can
choke down a bite or not,
it's sure good to
see the three of you
sitting at this table again.
Mr. Anderson.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
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