Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 29 - Kate the Stockholder - full transcript

The scheming Homer
Bedloe is imposing

all kinds of heavy
rules and regulations

on Cannonball caretakers
Charlie and Floyd,

in the hopes that
they'll quit the railroad.

Why?

Well, you know Bedloe.

He wants the
train off the tracks

and into the scrap heap.

But Homer hasn't
bargained on the power

of "Kate the Stockholder."

(train whistle blows twice)



♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪



♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows twice)

(loud dance music playing)

Howdy, Kate.

(trumpet notes blaring)

What?

What?

I said, "Morning, Kate!"

(loud dance music continuing)

(whistles)

(music stops)

What was that?

Nothing to worry
about, Uncle Joe.

It's called silence.

Hi, boys.

I'm sorry, kids, to break up

all that fancy
stompin' and hoppin'

to that dandy
music, but I'd like

to be able to hear
Charley and Floyd.

Sure, Mrs. Bradley. That's okay.

Besides, it's the first
chance I've had today

to rest my frazzled nerves
and shattered eardrums.

Yeah, we're real
sorry, Mrs. Bradley.

Yeah. We're all so darn anxious

to do good in that Hooterville
Hop contest next month.

We kind of get carried away.

Yeah. Well, for the time being,

would you mind being
carried away to the kitchen

for some milk and cookies?

Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Mom.

And please, chew quietly.

Here you are,
Kate. Today's mail.

One postcard?

Better than
yesterday... Three bills

and a circular on low-cost
Las Vegas weekends.

Why, this is from Mr. Norman
Curtis of the railroad.

Nutty Norman? You're kidding.

What does he say?

He says he's in Europe.

That's no surprise.

He also says he's
president of the railroad.

Shh! Joe, let's see.

He says he's in Europe.
"Having a wonderful..."

Can't make out the next word.

"Vacation."

That's right. "Vacation."

"The people here are very..."

"Friendly."

Yes. Thank you.

"And the weather is..."

I couldn't make that out either.

"Delightful."

Thank you, Charley.

"I plan to be here three months.

"Regards to everyone.

Sincerely, Norman Curtis."

Since when did they start
spelling "sincerely" "L-O-V-E"?

Oh, Charley. That's just...

just his way of being friendly.

I think it was very
nice of Mr. Curtis

to think of us all the
way over here from Paris.

Paris. Hah! He's pathetic.

No, he's not.

And I'm worried.

Suppose Mr. Bedloe comes
up with another scheme

to close down the
Cannonball while he's gone.

Now, you know that
Mr. Curtis is always on our side.

So what?

Nutty Norman ain't
any more president

of that railroad than I am.

I don't know, but in some way,

Mr. Curtis seems to be
Mr. Bedloe's superior.

That don't prove nothing.

Who ain't?

Bedloe, as your
superior, I have a right

to know why you're requesting

a temporary transfer
to Hooterville.

Mr. Giddings, you know that that
miserable Hooterville Cannonball

is the one rotten apple in
the whole C. & F.W. barrel.

Close down that line
while Curtis is in Europe,

and you'll be able to walk into
the next stockholders' meeting

as the, shall we say, the
C. & F.W. Man of the Year.

I have strict orders
from Norman Curtis

not to close down
the Cannonball.

But you're not going
to close it down.

You'll be improving it!

This scheme is even
sneakier than I thought.

You've lost me.

J.B., appoint me
superintendent of that line,

and I'll institute an
efficiency campaign

that will make those
people down there

wish they had never heard
of the Hooterville Cannonball.

You're beginning to find me.

Believe me. Believe me, J.B.

When I get through
with them down there,

you won't have to
close down the line.

They'll do it themselves.

I'd be grateful for the chance.

And I won't be bucking
Curtis' orders either.

Oh, more than that, you'll
be the stockholders' hero.

Remember, J.B.,
this company is ready

for new and dynamic leadership!

Bedloe, I'm sending
you to Hooterville

as superintendent of that line.

But there's less than a month

until the stockholders' meeting.

If you're going to get
the job done in time,

you'd better leave
as soon as possible.

Whatever you say, J.B.

Kate, Joe.

Hi, boys. Hi, boys.

Beautiful day, ain't it?

Makes a man glad he's alive.

Good morning, everybody.

I wish I was dead.

Homer Bedloe, what are
you doing in Hooterville?

That's like asking a fox

what he's doing in the henhouse.

Oh, that's very
witty, Mr. Carson.

I'm going to enjoy living
with you at the Shady Rest.

You're staying
here? For how long?

Only as long as it
takes to get the job done.

Mrs. Bradley, do you
have yearly rates?

Mr. Bedloe, what
are you talking about?

Tell me, Charley, any
more foolish questions?

Mr. Bedloe, I... I...

Oh, now stop bumbling, man.

You're talking to the
new superintendent

of the Hooterville Cannonball.

Now, come along.
Let's get going.

Get going? Where to?

To work. We've got
a schedule to keep.

What schedule?

This schedule.

A schedule for the Cannonball?

FLOYD: The thought of
that makes my heart jump up

into my throat, Mr. Bedloe.

Well, swallow it.

Let's get going.

We've got to be in
Hooterville in 12 minutes.

What for?

Because it says so here.

There ain't nothing happening

in Hooterville this time of day.

What do we do when we get there?

Go back to Pixley. Why?

Because it says so here!

Mr. Bedloe, we can't
follow a schedule like this.

Why, it calls for 14 runs a day.

15. You're forgetting
the 4:00 a.m. milk run.

Who drinks milk at 4:00 a.m.?

Now, stop stalling,
and get on that train!

Just a minute.

The boys haven't eaten yet.

And Charley always
gets dizzy spells

when he doesn't get
his proper nourishment.

Yeah. He's been known to
get dizzy ten or 12 times a day.

Mr. Bedloe, we're not leaving

till we have our lunch.

Just a minute!

I'd like to read you Article
7 from the Book of Rules

of the C. & F.W. Railroad.

"Insubordination."

"Any employee who disobeys
an order from a superior

is subject to
immediate dismissal."

I guess you better go, boys.

And I'll fix you some sandwiches

to take along with you.

Uh-uh-uh-uh!

Article 26. "Eating or
drinking while on duty

"constitutes a violation
of the C. & F.W. rules

governing deportment."

This is also covered by
Clause 96... "Road Etiquette."

We get the point, Mr. Bedloe.

Don't worry, boys.

I'll keep the food warm

for when you stop
on your way back.

What stop?

You might as well
know now, Mrs. Bradley,

that the Cannonball
is only making

three stops a day
at the Shady Rest.

In the morning, they pick me up.

At noon, for lunch.

And in the evening,
they bring me back again.

Is that last stop necessary?

It's covered by Article 32...

"Welfare and Comfort of
the Supervisory Personnel."

So that's what it's all about.

I might of known
it's another one

of your low-down, sneaky schemes

to shut down the Cannonball.

I couldn't have described it
better myself, Mrs. Bradley.

Beautiful, isn't it?

We're pulling out in one minute!

I ain't going.

You have to.

That's what he's trying to do...

Get you to quit.

Just like he's trying to
shut down the Shady Rest

with those three stops a day.

I knew that guy
would never change.

He's got a one-track mind.

Yeah. The track from
Hooterville to Pixley.

He's aiming to make
it so tough on us

that we're going to shut down
the Cannonball ourselves.

Then we gotta get him
out of the Shady Rest.

Oh, no. It's better to have him

where we can keep an eye on him

and what he's up to.

Well, what are you aiming
to do about him, Kate?

We just gotta outlast him.

This is a war of nerves.

Well, that's the only trouble.

He's got more nerve than we got.

True.

♪ ♪

(blows whistle)

♪ ♪

(blows whistle)

Smoot! Pratt!

That's enough
time for breakfast.

Let's get rolling!

All right, Pratt, this
isn't the old days.

Let's look alive.

I'm sorry, Kate.

That's all I got time for now.

You did pretty good today.

You almost got through
your first helping.

Well, Mrs. Bradley,
still hanging on, are you?

We got lots of
patience, Mr. Bedloe.

Yes, but no guests.

Not since I put in
that new schedule.

I don't know why Pratt and Smoot

haven't thrown in the towel.

Guess it's because they
want it for one good cry.

You never managed
to beat us before.

Don't you think you're
a mite overconfident?

Nonsense.

I could finish you
all off in one day.

My only reason for
stretching it out is,

my analyst told me I don't
get enough pleasure out of life.

Good evening, everybody.

Beautiful evening, isn't it?

Aw... Do my eyes deceive me?

Is it possible that
I am witnessing

a touch of communal despair?

What a picture you make.

If only I was an artist

and could immortalize
this moment in oils,

I assure you the
painting would occupy

a prominent place
on my office wall

and forever in my heart.

Mr. Bedloe, if you've got
a heart, I'd like to see it.

Yeah, me, too...
Right out in the open.

What'd you do with
Floyd and Charley?

They're fast asleep at their
posts in the locomotive cab.

That way, they thought
they'd get a good night's sleep.

Those two poor boys sure
have a good rest coming to 'em.

Not a chance... In two
and a half hours' time

we're taking a
practice emergency run.

Oh...

what a lovely
night for a train ride.

You won't think it's
such a lovely night

when all you get for supper
is a cucumber sandwich.

I had a hunch something
like that would happen.

The Pixley Diner
barbecues a fine chicken.

One of you girls bring
a plate up to my room.

And, oh, by the
way, Mrs. Bradley,

since you won't be cooking
dinner for me tonight,

I'll naturally expect you
to deduct it from my bill.

If I were a younger and
stronger man, I'd sure show him.

Yeah, Uncle Joe, you'd
knock his block off, huh?

No. I'd walk all
the way to Pixley

and get me some of that chicken.

(lively music playing)

HOMER: Will you
stop that racket!

Mrs. Bradley, what
kind of a hotel is this

where a man can't get a decent
two and a half hours' sleep?

But it's so early.

Early? In another 45
minutes, it's gonna be...

almost 9:00!

Have you forgotten I'm to
take a practice emergency run?

Who could forget an
absolute necessity like that?

HOMER: This is too much!

KATE: You're right,
Mr. Bedloe, this is too much.

We've had enough

of your ridiculous
rules and schedules.

You've been acting like a
child, complaining like a child,

and now you're even
going to bed like a child!

What you need is
a good spanking.

Now, now, Mrs.
Bradley, I'm a guest here.

I didn't pay for this
kind of treatment.

That's okay... The
spanking's on the house.

You know, Mrs.
Bradley, at this moment

you remind me very
much of my mother.

And we didn't get along, either.

Your mother sounds like
a fine, intelligent woman.

And at this moment, I
just wish I was your mother!

Sounds to me like you're
not happy with my patronage.

We ain't happy
with any part of you!

Very well! I'll leave the
first thing in the morning.

I'm sure I can get suitable
accommodations in Pixley.

Okay, girls, start
dancing again.

And to heck with you, Bedloe!

Very well, Mrs. Bradley,

since I won't be living here,
there won't be any need

for the Cannonball to stop
at the Shady Rest anymore!

I think you spoke a
little too harshly, Kate.

Don't worry about
him, Uncle Joe.

I-I wouldn't want
him for a guest

if he was the last
one we ever had.

(choked up): And I think he is.

We might as
well face up to it...

This time Bedloe's
got us licked.

The Shady Rest ain't
gonna have no more guests,

and Floyd and me's through.

Charley's right, Kate.

Me and him's tireder
than two hounds

chasing a fast rabbit.

I'll tell you what
Floyd and me done.

We told him in so many
words that if the Cannonball

ain't stopping at the
Shady Rest no more,

we're through running it.

Oh, you shouldn't
have done that, Charley.

That's exactly what he wants.

If you and Floyd quit, he
can shut down the Cannonball.

Well, he's gonna do it
anyhow, sooner or later.

Where'd Bedloe go?

Into the city...

C. & F.W. stockholder's
meeting he had to attend.

You know, somebody ought
to tell them stockholders

how their money's
being wasted...

Paying a man $30,000 a year

to be superintendent
of a one-track line.

You mean the railroad's
paying Bedloe $30,000 a year?

He was bragging about
it a couple of days ago.

That's the biggest train
robbery since Jesse James.

That's our answer.

Now, wait a minute, Kate,
we may be desperate,

but robbing the
Cannonball ain't gonna help.

Oh, that's not what I mean.

I mean that somebody
should tell the stockholders

how their money is being wasted.

Why, they'd never stand
still for a $30,000-a-year man

running this line.

You're right, Kate, they'll
put Bedloe where he belongs,

back on his regular job, and
we can get to livin' normal again.

Yeah, but who's gonna
tell the stockholders?

Us. We'll go to the meeting.

They'll never let us in.

Oh-ho, yes, they will,
if we're stockholders.

Kate, you don't expect
us to buy C. & F.W. stock.

All we need's one share.

By golly, Kate, I believe you've
blundered onto something.

Well, thanks, Uncle Joe.

Now, are we all for it?

Aye.

Aye.

(snores)

It's unanimous.

Now, then, I'll get Sam Drucker

to buy the share
of stock for us,

and then, with luck,
we'll be buying Mr. Bedloe

a one-way ticket out
of our lives forever!

J.B., when those two
imitation railroad men

told me they were quitting,

I knew that my mission
was accomplished.

You did it, huh? Yes.

J.B., we've seen the last

of that disgraceful
traveling eyesore.

Good! Then I can announce

that the Cannonball
is out of business,

it's going to be scrapped.

(indistinct chatter) Right! That's
one headache that's gone forever.

Looks like we're
getting some visitors.

Oh...

Excuse me a minute, J.B.

Just a minute, you
can't come in here.

Why, hello, Mr. Bedloe!

Well, this meeting is for the
stockholders of the C. & F.W.

That's us.

Here's our share of stock.

Hooterville Investment Fund?

And we're the Homer
Bedloe Fan Club.

Oh, that's very flattering.

It's gratifying to know
that my modest efforts

in your community
haven't gone unnoticed.

"Bedloe must go."

Uh, there was two
more words telling where,

but we ran out of girls.

Well, if you people have come
here to save the Cannonball,

I'm afraid you're a little late.

What do you mean?

Well, if you'll just sit down
and make yourself comfortable,

the service is about to begin.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

I have an important
announcement to make,

which I'm sure will please
all of the stockholders.

It is with great pride that
I am able to inform you

that the one disgraceful,
outmoded eyesore

of the entire C. & F.W.
system has been eliminated.

The Hooterville-Pixley
branchline

is no longer in operation.

(crowd murmuring)

That's a good move, Giddings.

It'll save us a lot of money.

It will? Yes.

One of our visiting
stockholders,

a lady from out of town,
has made us aware

of an interesting fact, which
our comptroller has confirmed.

We stood to lose $30,000
on that branchline this year...

The very amount that we
were paying the superintendent.

Well, since you're
closing down the line,

why not get rid of
the superintendent

and save the $30,000?

What?!

Sure! We don't need
a superintendent

for a line that
no longer exists.

Fire him.

Fire the superintendent?!

Mr. Bedloe, it seems that if
we don't have the Cannonball,

you won't have a job.

You're in the same boat with us.

And this time, the rat's
going down with the ship.

As one sailor to another,

I think we should
pull for shore together.

Well, I hate to admit it,
Mrs. Bradley, but you're right.

Uh, gentlemen,
gentleman and ladies,

j-just a moment, you're
making a terrible mistake.

You can't shut down the
Hooterville Cannonball.

That's the greatest little
train that was ever built.

Whoever says that
that magnificent example

of Early American railroading

should be scrapped
deserves to be scrapped.

Call me sentimental and
tenderhearted, if you must,

but to me, that beautiful and
distinctive example of Americana

is the pride of the C. & F.W.

But as I understand it,
the Hooterville Cannonball

runs on an outdated,
inefficient line that...

that doesn't even
keep a schedule.

That's not true!

Well, since when?

Since you sent us

the best superintendent
in railroad history.

Why, you can't
shut down that line

after what he's done for it.

He has given us a schedule

that outdoes any
other line in the country.

Right, Charley?

14 runs a day.

Plus the milk run.

And Mr. Bedloe has
shown us the light!

At 4:00 a.m.

In the dark.

But it's still
costing us $30,000.

Well, when you want the
best, you got to pay for it.

Exactly.

What's a paltry $30,000 compared
to the welfare and happiness

of the fine and noble
people of that community

who depend upon that line?

And what about these two
self-sacrificing individuals

who run that great little train?

I refer to my good friends
and close companions,

Charley Pratt and Floyd Smoot,

two brave and selfless creatures

who I've seen deprived
of food and sleep

just to keep the
Cannonball rolling.

Now, gentlemen, with us today

is the proprietress of
the Shady Rest Hotel.

I couldn't love her more even
if she were my own mother.

And her three
charming daughters,

who, by the way,
are my fan club.

ALL (chanting): Must
Bedloe go? Must Bedloe go?

Gentlemen, you haven't lived

unless you've seen these
three charming creatures

give one of their
delightful folk dances.

What more can I say, gentlemen?

The people of this valley
are our kind of people,

the greatest
people in the world.

Let the C. & F.W. be known
as "the railroad with a heart."

Gentlemen, I beg you,

do not scrap the
Hooterville Cannonball.

(quiet murmuring)

I suggest that the
C. & F.W. be known

as "the railroad with a heart."

(crowd murmuring)

And that we reopen
the Hooterville-Pixley line

and keep on the superintendent.

MAN: Of course! Uh...

well, gentlemen, uh...

we don't want to keep our
wonderful superintendent

on the Hooterville Cannonball.

Well, why not?

You were just telling us
how much you wanted him.

Well, I may be a woman,

but underneath it
all I'm a stockholder.

It'd be very selfish of us

to want to keep
Mr. Bedloe in Hooterville.

He should be sent to...

other trouble spots.

Yeah. Trouble's his middle name.

Did you hear that, Giddings?

I certainly did.

And I know just the place
where Mr. Bedloe should be sent.

To our newly
acquired railroad line

(bangs gavel) in Kodiak, Alaska!

(excited gasps)

FLOYD: The
Cannonball rides again!

We owe it all to Mr. Bedloe.

He was terrific.

Thank you, thank you.

Yeah, we won't
forget you, Bedloe,

even though you are
way up there in Alaska.

You can thank Kate for
keeping your job for you.

Oh, it was nothing.

After all, we were in
the same boat together,

weren't we, Mr. Bedloe?

Only while we were sinking.

From now on, it's war again!

Of course.

After you get back from Alaska.

You know, Mr. Bedloe,

I think those Eskimos up there

are gonna take to
you just like we did.

Let's go.

♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪

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