Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 17 - My Daughter the Doctor - full transcript

(train whistle blows twice)

♪ Come ride the little train ♪

♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪

(bell clanging)

♪ Forget about your cares ♪

♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪

(whistle blows twice)

♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪

♪ And even more when you get ♪

♪ To the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪



(snare drum plays train rhythm)

♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction ♪

♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪

♪ At the Junction ♪

♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪

(train whistle blows twice)

(bell clanging)

♪ Step to the
left, to the right ♪

♪ Then hop with your partner ♪

♪ That's the Hooterville Hop ♪

♪ Three to the
left, to the right ♪



♪ Then hop with your partner ♪

♪ It's the Hooterville Hop ♪

♪ Lots of fun to do,
it's a step that's new ♪

♪ Just a hop, hop ♪

♪ Called the Hooterville Hop ♪

♪ Form in a line ♪

♪ Any way is fine
when you hop, hop ♪

♪ To the Hooterville Hop ♪

♪ You can dance with two ♪

♪ Three or four will
do when you hop, hop ♪

♪ To the Hooterville Hop ♪

♪ It's a brand-new step
full of vim and pep ♪

♪ Just a hop, hop ♪

♪ It's the Hooterville Hop! ♪

Hi, kids.

Where's Billie?

Oh, hi, Ma, you
know Paul Henderson.

Oh, sure. Hi, Paul.

Hi, Mrs. Bradley.
Where's Billie Jo?

Mom, this is a new
dance Paul's dreamed up.

He calls it the Hooterville Hop.

W-Where's Billie Jo?

All the kids are learning
it for the school dance.

Come on, Mrs.
Bradley, it's real easy.

Yeah, come on. Oh, n-n-n-n-no!

Wait a minute, this
letter is very important.

I got to find Billie Jo.

Now, where is she?

Come on, Ma, you're getting it.

Great, Mrs. Bradley.

Mom, that's it, you've got it.

I have? Yeah.

I don't want it;
I want Billie Jo.

Now, where is she?

She's outside somewhere
with Junior Hocker.

They went down to
the lake to practice.

Practice what? Archery.

You know, bows and arrows.

Paul, do me a favor.

Run down to the lake
and bring her back.

I've got the most
wonderful surprise for her.

Sure, Mrs. Bradley.

Mom, what is it?

Come on over here, sit
down, I'll tell you all about it.

Your sister Billie Jo
is going to be a doctor.

Doctor?

Billie Jo?

The blonde bombshell?

Betty. (laughs)

Hooterville's own Tuesday Weld?

Bobbie.

Miss Built Best from Shady Rest?

Now, that's enough.

Your sister Billie Jo happens

to have a beautiful
face and a curvy figure.

So what's wrong with that?

Nothing, that's great.

Especially if you're a girl.

But a doctor?

Could you two high
school know-it-alls

bear to let your mother
talk for a minute?

Sure, Mom. Sorry.

Well, before you
girls were born...

In fact, the day before
Billie Jo was born...

Your father, rest his soul,

took out an endowment policy
to send his son to medical school.

Son?

Like all men, he was convinced

that his first child
was going to be a boy.

He had his name and
his career all picked out.

William Junior,
Dr. Bill Bradley.

Gee, I'll bet Dad
was disappointed

when Billie turned
out to be a girl.

Not after he saw her.

Then, he was the proudest
father in this whole valley.

And then when we were
expecting you, Bobbie Jo,

the same thing
started all over again,

only now it was
Robert, Dr. Bob Bradley.

And I had to go and
let him down again.

Boy, he must have really
flipped when I showed up.

No.

Your father loved all
of you with all his heart.

Why, he wouldn't have
traded you three girls

for the Mayo Brothers.

Why all the talk about
Billie Jo becoming a doctor?

Well, when Bill, your father,

saw for himself that
he had an all-girl family,

he went back to
his original plan

of sending his first
child to medical school.

I remember when
Billie Jo was yea high.

He used to introduce her
as "my daughter the doctor."

(laughter)

Hey, Mrs. Bradley, is Billie
Jo ever a natural for archery.

Junior says I have almost
perfect form already.

Uh, yeah.

You look great, Doc.

Nice going, Willie Boy.

Doc? Willie Boy?

Pay no attention to
these high school cutups.

Billie Jo, I've got the most
marvelous surprise for you.

Look at this check. For me?

From an endowment policy

your father took out for you.

$500?!

(gasps)

Mom, that means I can
do what I've been planning

and dreaming about for so long.

That's right.

I can go to Hollywood!

Yeah.

What? Yahoo!

(jaunty music playing)

Hey, hey, Paul, hey, uh,
there are two over there.

This one's mine.

You dreamer.

Junior? Yeah.

No, no, I don't want to dance.

I want to talk to Billie Jo.

Billie, the last thing in the
world your father'd want

is to make you do
something against your will,

but it was his last wish,

so give it a lot
of consideration.

Of course I will, Mom.

But I have to be
honest and tell you

that what I really want to do

is go to Hollywood
and become an actress.

(sighs)

Oh, Mom, just think of
meeting Rock Hudson

or even playing a
love scene with him.

(gasps)

Honey, every year, thousands
of girls go to Hollywood

to try and be actresses...

Young, beautiful,
talented, just like you...

And most of 'em come
back home broken-hearted,

or what's even worse... They
stay there broken-hearted.

But some of them make it.

Somebody has to play
opposite Rock Hudson,

and maybe I'll be the one.

Maybe I'll become famous.

Baby... And when I do,

I'll send for you, Mom...

You and Bobbie and
Betty and Uncle Joe...

And you won't have
to work anymore.

Why, you can come
live with me in Hollywood.

Billie... What's this
about Hollywood?

Uncle Joe, look what I got.

It's from that endowment
policy Bill took out.

$500?

You know what she
wants to do with it?

She wants to go to Hollywood
and try and be an actress.

Billie Jo, Hollywood's no place

for a young,
innocent girl like you.

You see?

Why, them wolves'd be after
you the minute you got there.

That's right.

Oh, they might promise you
they'd get you into pictures,

but dollars to donuts

you'd never see
the inside of a studio.

Oh, honey, I'd be
worried out of my mind.

Sure, she would.

You can stop worrying, Kate.

I'll go to Hollywood with
her and be her manager.

Oh, Uncle Joe.

Eh... Uncle Joe.

Hi, Floyd.

Hi, Kate. Going shopping?

No, I'm going in
to see Dr. Depew.

You ain't sick, are you?

Oh, no.

I'm hoping to get the doc

to come out and
talk to Billie Jo.

Board! Let her roll, Charley!

Can't you see I'm oiling
the journals, smoke-head?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

We're oiling the
journals, ladies.

I'll have to take
back that "Board!"

for a couple of minutes.

KATE: Floyd.

Where did all the
women come from?

Pixley... they're all going in
to Doc Depew's office, too.

But what's wrong with
the doctor in Pixley?

He ain't young, single,
and good-looking.

(chuckling): Neither
is Doc Depew.

No, but his young
assistant sure is...

Young city doctor,
name of Harris.

Real handsome, huh?

Kate, I hear he don't even have

to tell the women to say "Ah."

They say it the
minute they see him.

No fooling.

Kind of... Rock
Hudson type, huh?

Who's he?

Never mind, Floyd.

Sit down.

I'd like to tell you about
my daughter the doctor.

(whistle blowing)

(bell clanging)

Hello, Do-Doc Depew?

This is Kate Bradley.

No... there's nothing wrong.

I-I hear you have a real
handsome new assistant.

I know he's too young for me.

I want him to come
out to Shady Rest

and get Billie Jo
interested in medical school.

She wants to go to Hollywood.

Tell him it's an emergency...

A real puzzling case
you can't figure out.

And you won't be lying
'cause I'm thinking of Uncle Joe.

Oh, wonderful.

The boys are turning
the train around,

so send him right
down to the station.

Yeah. Bye.

Dr. Harris?

Yes.

My, my.

I beg your pardon.

My, um, my uncle is very sick.

Oh, you must be the Mrs. Bradley

Dr. Depew told me about.

(chuckling): Yes.

Let's get aboard, shall we?

Now, y-you go sit down,
Doctor, I'll be right back.

Let her go, Charley.

(whistle blowing)

(steam hissing)

(no audio)

Oh, look out there.

Isn't that interesting?

(no audio)

What's so interesting?

(chuckling): It's gone now.

Well, tell me about your uncle.

If he's got Dr. Depew puzzled,
he must be quite a case.

(chuckling): Oh,
he is quite a case.

I was, um, I was
hoping that you and, uh,

my daughter could have
a consultation about him.

You have a daughter
who's a doctor?

Well, not yet, but I
have great hopes for her.

(both chuckle)

Especially now.

Dr. Depew tells me that
you have three daughters,

all of them beautiful. Mm-hmm.

Billie Jo is the
beautiful daughter

that's interested in doctors.

Becoming one.

Good for her.

Most beautiful girls these days

just seem to be interested

in going to Hollywood
and becoming actresses.

Isn't it the truth?

But I'm sure that
you'll encourage Billie

to go to medical school.

Well, if she hopes
to become a doctor,

I can recommend it highly.

(jaunty music playing)

Come on, Uncle
Joe, hop a little higher.

You look great.
Come on, Uncle Joe.

Take it easy, kids,
there's more of me to hop.

I think I'd better go out
in the kitchen and take on

some of that high-protein
energy-building food

like your ma's
lemon meringue pie.

All right for Shady
Rest Hotel, Doctor.

Oh, uh... what happened
to Mrs. Bradley?

Oh, she had to rush some
supplies up to the hotel.

Said for me and Charley to
bring you along in a little bit.

Oh, that won't be necessary.

I can find my own way.

Kate wants me and
Charley to hold you up a little.

Hold me up?

Climbing the path to the hotel.

It gets a little slippery
this time of year.

Is that what she meant?

Yeah. Yeah.

Stop the dancing.

Quick, stop the dancing.

Have some respect for the sick.

Who's sick?

Uncle Joe. Where is he?

In the kitchen,
loading up on pie.

Oh, well, everybody sit
down and look worried,

because the doctor's
coming to examine Uncle Joe.

But, Mom, he was just...

And you, Billie Jo, you
look worried but beautiful.

What gives? I don't know.

It sounds like it's
gonna be Dullsville.

Hey, Billie, let's cut out, huh?

I'm with you. (laughs)

Uncle Joe,

I got to ask you a
quick, serious question.

Anybody that can make pie
this good can ask me anything.

Shoot.

If you and Billie
Jo ran out of money

and got stranded in Hollywood,
could you support her by acting?

Easy.

I got acting in my blood.

That's where Billie Jo gets it.

Well, c-can I be sure about it?

Could I give you
a test? Of course.

Throw me a scene from
Shakespeare; I'll eat it up.

Which is more than I'm getting
to do with this piece of pie.

Well, never mind Shakespeare.

I got a better test.

Can you convince
a young city doctor

that you're really sick?

Easy as pie.

I'll take that back; pie
ain't so easy around here.

Good. Now, you
hurry up the back stairs

and hop into bed.

Please, Kate,
don't ask me to hop.

I'm all hopped out. Now, hurry.

Can I take my
piece of pie with me?

You do a convincing
job on that doctor,

and I'll serve you
a whole pie in bed.

Look out, Spencer Tracy,
here comes "Actin' Joe Carson."

Come on.

Hmm... This is a puzzling case.

How long have these
dizzy spells been occurring?

A year. A week.

How long?

A year and a week exactly.

Well, that's a long time.

Why haven't you told
Dr. Depew about this?

Well, I haven't really
noticed the dizzy spells,

on account of the fierce
stabbing pain in my arm.

Ooh! Ooh!

Where does the pain seem to be?

Mostly on the inside.

You take any
medication for the pain?

No; I only notice it when
my knee stops throbbing.

Your knee bothers you, too?

Oh, terrible.

It's almost as bad as my back.

You also have a bad back?

Doc, I'm just one
big mass of misery.

HARRIS: You certainly are.

Arm, knee, back, dizzy spells.

How do you ever
get any work done?

Grit.

Sheer grit.

Dr. Harris, uh, I'll go
get my daughter Billie Jo,

so you two can have
your consultation.

Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to give your uncle

quite a thorough examination.

Perhaps you'd
better wait downstairs

until I... Oh. All right.

(chuckles)

We'll be anxious to talk to you,

my daughter Billie and me.

Uncle Joe, remember how to act.

He, uh, gets out
of hand sometimes.

Don't worry about me, Kate.

Just have that pie ready.

I don't believe we
should eat any pie.

Well, I wasn't planning
on sharing it with you, Doc.

What I meant was you're gonna

have to start
losing some weight.

Losing some weight? Where from?

It's all solid muscle.

Open your mouth.

Wide.

Stick out your tongue.

Further.

Little further.

That's all the
tongue I got, Doc.

From there on back is throat.

(jaunty music playing)

Charley, maybe you
better stop hopping.

It's kind of shaking
the upstairs.

I'm real glad to have
an excuse to stop.

Where's Billie Jo?

Oh, she and Junior
went back to the lake.

Oh, no! She's got to be here
when Dr. Harris comes down.

I'll get her back for you, Kate.

Well, see if you can get
her back without Junior.

Okay. Come on, Kate,

do the Hooterville
Hop with us kids.

Sure, Mom. You're coming
to the high school dance.

Oh, we'll be so
proud of you, Mom.

You'll be the only mother
who knows the Hop.

Well, all right,
but let's hop quiet.

Dr. Harris.

I'm glad to see you not
worried about your uncle.

I'll be running along.

Oh, but I am
worried, awful worried.

W-We're all worried.

Well, dancing's a good
way to relieve tension.

Oh, no, no, we weren't dancing.

No? What do you call it?

The Hooterville Hop.

This young fella started it.

It's spreading like wildfire.

It's a terrible disease.

Disease?

Makes your foot muscles twitch.

You hop like crazy.

I think you better
quarantine the hotel.

Mrs. Bradley, I'd love
to meet your daughter,

but I have a lot of paperwork
waiting for me at the office.

Well, Doctor, she'll be
back in just a second.

I got everybody
out looking for her.

And I do so want you to help her

pick out the medical
school she should go to.

Well, why don't we
make it next time.

Next time, it might be too late.

Why, she'll be running off to
Holly... would you like some tea?

Uh, no thank you.

I've really got to get
back to Hooterville. Well...

We've looked everywhere
for Billie Jo, Mom.

There's no sign of her yet.

Uh, suppose we
do make it next time.

Oh! Betty Jo, you
show the doctor

how your poison ivy has spread.

Spread? Where?

It's practically gone.

Take a quick look
at her, Doctor, huh?

Show the doctor your leg, dear.

All right, Mrs. Bradley, if
it'll make you feel better.

Oh, Mother, for heaven's sake.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm afraid I'm
too late, Mrs. Bradley.

You mean it's serious?

No, it's gone.

Well, how about, how
about the other leg?

Uh, very pretty;
they make a nice pair.

Doctor, I hate to
hold you up like this,

but as long as you're here,

I wonder if you'd take
a look at my... foot.

I-I've had this terrible pain.

You have?

Yes, I have.

And you run along
about your business.

And you know what that is.

All right, what seems
to be the trouble?

Well, I don't rightly
know, Doctor.

The pain seems to come and go.

Well, if you'll
take off your shoe,

we'll see what we can find.

Oh, thank you, Doctor.

Where does it seem to hurt?

Uh, on the bottom,
in the middle.

Does this hurt?

(stifled laughter)

Tickles, Doctor.

It, uh... (clears throat)

it tickles and it
hurts is what it does.

Well, it didn't seem to
hurt you when you were

jumping up and down and
hopping a few minutes ago.

Well, uh, it, uh, it
doesn't hurt when I hop,

it's just when I walk... and
then I limp all over the place.

Well, you're doing the right
thing for it, just what I'd do.

Oh, really?

Yes, if I had a sore
foot, I think I'd limp, too.

Well, don't you want me to
do anything for it but limp?

Well, you can soak it
in some, uh, hot water

and some Epsom salts, and
that should take care of the trouble.

Anything else?

Uh, let me see, now...

Well, if you think of
anything else, Mrs. Bradley,

uh, you just drop by the office.

Uh... Good-bye.

I think I got
something in my eye!

All right, Mrs. Bradley,
let me take a look.

Well, look who's here.

My daughter
Billie Jo the doctor.

What?

Uh, m-my daughter
Billie Jo the doctor.

Dr. Clayton Harris.

How do you do,
Doctor? How do you do?

Somebody sick?

Your Uncle Joe again. Again?

It's getting to be a
terrible problem, isn't it?

Now, Billie Jo, I
know you're anxious

to get upstairs and
see your poor sick uncle.

And Dr. Harris will go with you.

And you can watch while
he takes Uncle Joe's pulse

and temperature
and blood pressure

and things like that.
I've done all that.

But not for Billie Jo.

She's never seen a real doctor

make a real examination
on a real patient.

That's the real truth.

Well, I suppose there are

a couple of other
tests I could run.

Oh, wonderful!

If there ain't nothing
serious wrong with me,

why are you back up here
getting ready to do all these things?

Just routine.

Uh, besides, this young
lady wanted to see.

What for?

Last look, is that it?

Oh, Uncle Joe, calm down.

How do you feel? Terrible.

Kate, Kate, I was thinking...

You better get the rest of them
up here to tell me good-bye.

Doc, level with me.

How much time have I got?

Now you're getting yourself
all worked up over nothing.

Miss Bradley... Mm-hmm.

This will be a good illustration

of how nervous tension
can elevate blood pressure.

When I took his pressure
before, it was normal.

Now we'll see to what extent

his anxiety has
increased the pressure.

Isn't this thrilling?

Fine niece.

I'm dying and your thrilled.

Doctor, could Billie
please do that?

Certainly.

Mom...

Squeeze the bulb,
just like the doctor, huh?

Get the feel of it;
you might like it.

Well, that proves I'm a goner.

Letting amateurs practice on me.

Now observe.

This higher reading is
the systolic pressure.

And this is the diastolic.

And I was right, it
is relatively elevated.

Kate, get me a pencil and paper.

I want to dictate my
last will and testament.

Calm down.

Now we'll try a
hemoglobin determination.

Billie Jo, isn't this exciting?

Well, sort of.

Go ahead, Doctor,
you're doing just fine.

First, we'll extract
a little blood.

From who? From you.

Now this is pure alcohol.

Great, I can use a slug.

Now if you'll moisten
some cotton with the alcohol

and cleanse the end
of his middle finger.

(gasps): Ooh!

Doctor, look!

Look, she's a natural-born
finger cleanser.

Oh, I'm gonna
go get her sisters.

They just got to see the way
this girl has taken to medicine.

Now, hold on, Doc, be
careful with that harpoon.

(screaming): Ow!

There, that didn't hurt us.

Then how come one
of us yelled "Ow"?

Now, if you'll hold this
hemoglobinometer...

we'll collect some
blood between these

sterile glass slides

and insert them in
the hemoglobinometer.

Miss Bradley? Miss Bradley?

Hurry up, girls, I
want you to see

your sister the
doctor in action.

Where is she?

She's right there on the floor.

On the floor?!

What happened, Doctor?

She fainted at the
first sight of blood.

Oh, no.

Wake up, Doc.

Snap out of it, will you?
You're wanted in surgery.

Oh, stop teasing her.

Come on, wake up, Billie.

Oh.

I wonder if Dr.Schweitzer's
mother had this trouble.

(jaunty music playing)

How can you dance down
here when my life's ebbing away?

Doc, please give
me back that blood.

I need it.

Oh, Uncle Joe, I was just
gonna bring your pie up to you.

I can't eat pie.

I'm at death's door.

Well, I'll just take it back.

Just a minute.

I need strength.

Maybe I can force
down a bite or two.

Might get me through the night
so I can see another sunrise.

How's she doing, Doctor?

Fine. She hasn't fainted once.

You sure have picked
up the Hooterville Hop.

Thanks. It's the greatest
disease I ever danced.

Fine family and
friends I've got.

Not one of them cares
that I'm passing on.

Wonder if there's any
more pie in the kitchen.

(train whistle blows)

This has been a
Filmways presentation.