Petticoat Junction (1963–1970): Season 1, Episode 18 - Hooterville vs. Hollywood - full transcript
Billie Jo is still determined to use the $500 from the endowment policy her father took out to go to Hollywood to become a movie star instead of his intention for her to go to medical school. It doesn't help that Uncle Joe, who wants to go with her, is fueling her dream. Since Dr. Harris, Dr. Depew's handsome young assistant, couldn't convince Billie Jo to become a doctor, Kate believes that Dr. Depew himself might be able to. Dr. Depew believes Kate's mistake between Dr. Harris and Billie Jo was throwing them together in a doctor/potential doctor relationship, whereas throwing them into a boy/girl relationship starting as doctor/patient might do the trick. First, Kate and her accomplices have to convince Billie Jo that she's not looking well, then get Dr. Harris to come to the continual assistance of his helpless but beautiful patient. Kate believes there is one more piece to complete the puzzle, courtesy of a mock edition of the Hooterville World Guardian.
(train whistle blows twice)
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows twice)
Well, as chief magistrate
of Greater Hooterville,
I can give you a legal opinion.
Go ahead, Sam.
Since Billie Jo
is still a minor,
you could get me
to issue an injunction
impounding the $500
from that endowment
policy until she's 21.
Sam, that legal talk
slides off your tongue
like dew off a duck feather.
Thanks.
That was my legal opinion.
Now I'll give you
my personal opinion.
Don't do it.
Why not?
'Cause you'd probably
get her so mad
she'd up and run off anyway.
You're right, Sam.
What am I gonna do?
To tell you the truth, kid,
I'm fast running
out of opinions.
I tried every way I could
to get her interested
in a medical career.
That's why Billie Jo's
daddy, rest his soul,
took out the policy
in the first place.
Old Bill sure was het up
about his firstborn
becoming a doctor.
And now she's going to Hollywood
and maybe get
stranded out there.
I can't think of anything worse.
Uh, wait a minute,
didn't you tell me
Uncle Joe was going
along as her manager?
Yeah.
Then, I just thought
of something worse.
Hey, maybe we could get
old Doc Depew over here.
He's helped solved
a lot of problems
concerning young people.
That's a great idea, Sam.
He might be just the one
to stop Billie Jo from
going to Hollywood.
Oh, positively,
he'll figure out a way
to keep her here, for sure.
She's as good as forgot
about leaving right now.
Floyd, go fetch Doc Depew.
Sure thing.
Hey, Charley, remind me
to buy an autograph
book when I get back.
What for?
To give to Billie Jo,
so she can collect me
some movie stars'
autographs in Hollywood.
Get out of here, birdbrain.
I'm going, I'm going.
Betty Jo?
Yes, Uncle Joe, what is it?
Do you know where
your sister, Billie, is?
In the kitchen washing dishes.
Washing dishes?
That's some job
for a movie star.
I know, but until
one comes along,
somebody has to do them.
Smart-aleck kid.
Look at it this way, Billie Jo.
Medical schools
have mostly boys.
Well, that part I like.
And if you study real hard...
Oh, that part I don't like.
I bet you could get
that good-looking young
Dr. Harris to help you.
Oh, he is cute, isn't he?
Oh, he sure is.
Forget it.
So is Rock Hudson, Troy Donahue
and Elvis Presley, and
they're in Hollywood.
Hey, you two, switch jobs.
You wash, and you dry.
I don't want my little future
star keeping her hands wet
and catching cold,
delaying our trip.
Uncle Joe, be sensible.
How can you take
Billie Jo to Hollywood
when you don't even
know if she can act?
No problem... teach her how
riding out there on the bus.
Who taught you, Uncle Joe?
My knowledge of acting's a gift.
Mom says you
should give it back.
Your mother will
sing a different tune
when Billie Jo and me
hit it big in Hollywood.
That's right, and
when we get there,
we'll-we'll send for you
and-and Mom and Betty Jo.
Yeah, we'll live in one of
them big Hollywood mansions
with a swimming pool,
cars for everybody.
Can I have a limousine
with someone to drive me around?
Oh, sure, baby,
anything you want.
Fine, then line up Rock
Hudson, Elvis Presley
and Troy Donahue
to do the driving.
I figure if I'm gonna
get in on this dream,
I might as well go first-class.
Kate, I've had cases ranging
from pneumonia
to ingrown toenail,
but so far, medical
science hasn't come up
with a cure for Hollywooditis.
Billie's got it bad, Doc,
and Uncle Joe's
aggravating her condition.
Yeah, Uncle Joe.
That's another thing that
baffles medical science.
Doc, you brought Billie Jo
into this part of the world.
Now I'm hoping you can
help me keep her here.
You owe it to her, Doc.
Speaking of owing,
did I ever pay you
for delivering Billie Jo?
Yes, yes, I think so.
Bobbie Jo, too.
As for Betty Jo,
you still owe me.
Well, Doc, you better
prescribe something
for keeping Billie Jo here,
or I'm gonna worry myself
into an early grave,
and you'll never collect.
(chuckling): Oh, go on, Kate.
I've had enough free
dinners at your place
to pay for the delivery of
an entire baseball team.
You know, Doc, Charley and me
is in the same line as you.
We deliver people every day.
Well, good morning.
(all greet Dr. Harris)
Doc Harris, anything the matter?
Oh, no, we're just
running low on alcohol.
Uh, drinking or rubbing?
Rubbing. Good.
I got a shelf full of that kind,
but only about four
fingers of the other.
Here you are, Doc,
I'll add it to your bill.
Thank you, Mr. Drucker.
Well, uh, so long, everybody.
(all say good-bye)
See you over at the
office later, hmm?
Too bad that handsome
young assistant of yours
couldn't have got Billie
Jo interested in medicine.
Yeah, he turned out to
be the most dedicated,
most brilliant, most
useless doctor I ever met.
Poor fella's a misfit.
The trouble is,
you tried to push Billie
Jo and Doc Harris together
on a professional level.
Now, you might've had more luck
if you pushed them together
on a patient-doctor level.
Yeah, it's a good idea, Doc,
except for one
little technicality.
How can you make a patient
out of a strong,
healthy girl like Billie Jo?
I had the same situation
when I first went into practice.
A beautiful, healthy young girl
was gonna run off to
the Broadway stage,
but her folks and I got
enough people to tell her
she didn't look so hot,
and the first thing you know,
I had a bedridden patient
with a bad case of the worries.
You mean she believed it?
Come next month, we'll
be married 47 years.
Dorothy?
(giggling): Yep.
Well, I don't think I
could do that to Billie Jo.
But, Kate, it's the
only chance you've got.
Yeah, but a mother
tricking her own daughter...
that just isn't fair.
How's about we
take a vote on it?
Right, all those in
favor of tricking Billie Jo
into feeling she's
sick, raise your hand.
Those against?
Oh, Kate, does
that mean you're not
gonna go through with it?
Nope, it means
I've been outvoted.
Thank you very much, gentlemen.
Here's some more movie moguls
we better add
to our mailing list.
Jack Warner... Hal Wallis and...
Darryl... Zanuck.
Right.
All right, now, take this down.
Dear movie moguls,
it is with great pleasure
I announce the forthcoming
arrival in Hollywood
of the blonde
bombshell of Hooterville,
Miss Billie Jo Bradley.
Slow down, Uncle Joe, I can
only take this down in longhand.
Yeah, when we get out to
Hollywood, I'm gonna have
to get me one of them
shorthanded securities.
Okay, I got it, go ahead.
Please write to me,
Joseph P. Carson,
her personal manager,
and tell us where you intend
to throw the cocktail party
for us when we get there.
It says in here they throw
them things for the new stars.
A cocktail party?
Uncle Joe...
Don't worry, honey,
I ain't gonna let them
give you nothing but soft stuff.
(door opening)
Hey, Uncle Joe, hi, Billie.
Billie Jo, Joe.
JOE: Hi, Sam, Kate.
How do you feel, Billie Jo?
Just fine, Mr. Drucker. Why?
Oh, uh, nothing.
Just thought you looked
a little pale, that's all.
What's the matter?
How do you feel?
Great.
You sure?
(laughing): Of course.
Good girl.
All right, let's get
back to the letter.
Let's see, uh, where were we?
Hmm... at the cocktail party.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, I got a great idea.
Put this down.
Okay.
And then, Mr. Movie
Moguls, you can take us out
to that theater you call,
uh, Grauman's Chinese.
Have some wet cement ready
for Miss Bradley
to stick her feet in.
Don't you think
that's going too far?
Yeah, of course it is.
It's one of them nutty
Hollywood customs.
I guess we just have
to go along with it.
No, I mean... CHARLEY: Hey, Joe.
Got something for you.
FLOYD: Came in the mail.
Looks like a newspaper,
but don't read like one.
Great, boys, great,
I've been waiting for this.
What's all-fired great
about a newspaper
you can't make
heads or tails of?
This ain't no ordinary
newspaper, it's Variety.
You know what that is?
Yeah, the spice of life.
No, this is the bible
of show business.
It don't look very
religious to me.
It ain't got nothing
to do with religion.
It just keeps show
folk up-to-date
on what's happening in the biz.
Biz? The entertainment game.
Get a load of this.
"Shore Vegas bow boffo."
You know what that means?
No, and I don't
think you do, either.
Oh, yeah?
Well, just listen to this.
"Songstress Dina Shore opens
to capacity audience
in Las Vegas last night."
That's what it means, yokel.
I reckon it's more like a
dictionary than a bible.
Appears to be.
You rubes have been riding
that Hooterville "Cornball"
through the sticks so long,
you got no showbiz savvy at all.
Yeah, well, let's see
how much you got.
What does this mean?
"Ban bon in biff way."
Well, now, I-I've been out
of the game for a while, uh...
Right around 60 years.
Come on, Uncle Blowhard,
what does it mean?
"Ban bon in biff way."
All right, so I don't know
about that one... so what?
I know about it.
You do?
Yeah, it don't mean nothing.
Charley made it up.
(laughing): That's right, Floyd.
He can't see for
looking up close
without he has on
his reading glasses.
FLOYD (laughing):
"Ban bon in biff way!"
"Showbiz bible."
Very funny, very funny.
Why don't you two go wind up
that choo-choo of
yours and ride it back
into your padded roundhouse.
You're pathetic, both of you.
Come on in and sit down, boys.
All right, Kate, we're coming.
Feeling okay, Billie Jo?
You look a little peaked.
You're the second person
that doesn't think
I look very well.
Make it three.
How do you feel?
Pretty good.
Glad to hear it.
Come on, Floyd, let's eat.
♪ ♪
You sure you're okay?
Fine.
Fair, anyway.
How do you think I look?
Well, I ain't too sure.
But I think I've
seen you look better.
Oh, dear!
I'm gonna go take
a look at myself.
No fever to speak off.
That doesn't mean anything.
I could be carrying something.
That's right you could.
Now I pleaded with you
to keep your hands
out of that dishwater.
But I'm sure I look all right.
I think.
You better go let your
mother have a look at you.
Yeah.
I guess maybe I better.
Well, worked for Doc Depew.
If Billie Jo falls
for that nonsense
about her being
sick, I'll eat this plate.
Mom!
Mom, will you take a look at me.
I think I'm getting sick.
Hearty appetite.
Come over here, dear,
where the light's better.
Do I look bad to you, Mom?
Mmm, no.
You don't look bad to me.
But you're not
saying I look good.
You're right.
I'm not saying that.
Mom, I'm worried.
If one more person
tells me how bad I look,
I'm-I'm gonna
go straight to bed.
Betty Jo, you
haven't told your sister
how you think she
looks, have you?
No, I haven't.
Well, tell her.
You look fine, Billie Jo.
Oh, thank heavens!
From over here.
But close-up... forget it.
That does it.
I'm going straight to bed.
Put it there, Mom.
For a minute, there
wasn't where I was
getting ready to put it.
Are you sick?
Come on, boys, you got to run
me into town to get Doc Depew.
Okay, Joe. Come on, Floyd.
Uh, here, boys, take
some sandwiches with you.
Thank you, Kate.
This is no time to
worry about eatin'.
The boys should eat to
keep up their strength.
Just to run that toy train?
No, because they were
exposed to Billie Jo.
They were exposed?
I was practically inoculated.
How's the patient, Doc?
Oh, as well as
could be expected.
Considering the circumstances.
What is it, Doc?
Is it contagious?
What's wrong with her?
How long has she felt this way?
Not for long, just a few hours.
What's wrong with her?
She didn't say she was
suffering from nausea,
headaches, or
dizzy spells, did she?
No, she just got
to feeling kind of
strange and went up
to bed.
What's wrong with her?
Well, there's nothing like rest
to get you back on
the road to recovery.
What's wrong with her?
Has she complained
about anything recently?
Mmm, not that I can think of.
Well, that reduces the
possibility of complications.
For Pete's sake, Doc,
are you gonna say what's
wrong with her or ain't ya?
Until I've had an opinion
from my colleague, Dr. Harris,
I'm not saying for sure.
I left word for him to join me.
He should be along in
about the time it takes
to, um... eat a piece of pie?
Finish a cup of coffee?
Sure thing, Doc.
What'll it be... apple,
mince or pumpkin?
I'll take... Hold it, Doc.
Until you've had an
opinion from your colleague
don't say for sure.
How do you feel, dear?
Oh, so-so.
Did Dr. Depew tell you
what was wrong with me?
I couldn't get a
word out of him.
He said he could tell more
after another examination.
Um, why don't you fix your hair
and put on some lipstick.
Doctor's on his way up.
He's already seen me like this,
and besides, how
can I get spruced up
when I haven't an
ounce of strength left?
Well, suit yourself.
I'll call the doctor.
You can come up now, Dr. Harris.
Dr. Harris?!
He can't see me like this!
Well, dear, it's good to see
you at least have half
an ounce of strength left.
(knocking on door)
Who is it?
It's Dr. Harris.
Come in, Doctor.
Hello, Miss Bradley.
Hello, Dr. Harris.
I'm sorry you're
not feeling well.
Oh, she'll start feeling better
now that you're here, Doctor.
Thank you, Mrs. Bradley.
But she's already been looked at
by one of the finest doctors
in the medical profession.
Why he wants me to
conduct an examination,
I'll never know. I hope not.
I mean, I, uh, I hope
it doesn't put you out.
Not at all.
I'm flattered. I'm thrilled.
I'm sick.
Aren't you gonna
start the examination?
It just started.
And you say that
altogether it amounts
to over 500 deliveries, huh?
Well, of course that
includes 12 calves,
seven colts and an elephant.
An elephant?
12 years ago when
the circus came through.
Oh, yeah, I... Oh, Kate.
Doctor Harris. How's
the patient, Doctor?
As far as I can determine,
she's in perfect health.
No fever? None.
Temperature, pulse,
respiration all normal.
Oh, that's marvelous, Doctor.
Absolutely marvelous.
Do you realize what
you've done for this girl?
Nothing, I didn't even
give her an aspirin.
(laughing): Nothing he says.
(laughing): Yeah.
I'm so impressed with
the remarkable relationship
that you have established
between doctor and patient,
that I'm gonna turn
the case over to you.
Well, thank you, Doctor,
but I... You can
drop by every day
for the next week or so,
just to make sure there's
no sign of a relapse.
Certainly, Doctor.
But I must say
it's hard to believe
that girl's been sick.
It certainly is.
Congratulations.
Well thank you, Doctor.
Okay, Billie Jo,
now first we'll start
with a serious pose.
How does this look?
Like you just swallowed
a bottle of caster oil.
Very funny, little baby sister.
Now don't go getting
your sister upset, Betty Jo.
I'm taking some
professional pictures of her.
Professional pictures?
To send to Hollywood.
Give them movie moguls a preview
of coming attractions.
All right, Billie
Jo, now hold it.
(shutter clicks) Okay, got it.
Now sit up on the
desk for the next one.
This is a fine way for
Billie Jo to be recuperating.
That's what I figured.
Now give us a
big smile this time
and pretend you're waving
to the Hollywood throngs.
(shutter click)
Got it.
If Mom gets home from shopping
and catches you doing
this, you're gonna get it.
Did your mom go shopping?
You know darn
good and well she did.
Well, it just so happens
I picked this time of day
because the light's good
and because it's nice
and quiet around here
and I thought you went with her.
All right, jump down, Billie Jo.
We'll get some of them
Hollywood type action shots.
Now I want you to come over here
and pretend that Tony
Curtis is chasing you.
Okay, Uncle Joe.
Ready. Go!
I said go. Why
ain't you runnin'?
If Tony Curtis is
chasin', I'm not runnin'.
(shutter clicks)
Okay, now set
that basin of fresh
cement on the floor
for your sister
to put her feet in.
Oh, that's what it's for.
For a second, I
thought it was gonna be
for something silly.
Now we'll show 'em
how you're gonna look
in front of Grauman's
Chinese Theatre.
Now put your foot in the cement.
Here, hold this.
I got a terrific idea.
I'll be right back!
Here. Now when I count three,
you flash that on
and off at your sister.
Uncle Joe,
since I'm suddenly
your assistant,
do you mind telling me why?
So she'll get used
to the flashbulbs
going off in her face.
Oh, sure.
I should have guessed.
Okay now, Billie Jo,
give me your prettiest smile.
One, two, three.
Okay, come on.
Now we'll go outside
and get some shots
on the front porch.
Good idea, Uncle Joe.
Oh, Uncle Joe!
Oh no, look what's happened.
Well, you're lucky, it
could have been worse.
I forgot I was gonna
have you do it barefoot.
Kate, tell me the Hooterville
Cannonball can fly,
or tell me I'm growing
my second head of hair,
but don't tell me
Billie Jo has seen
that handsome, young
doctor four days in a row
and isn't interested in him.
Oh, she thinks
he's a fine doctor,
and a great man, and an asset
to the community of Hooterville,
but she's still
talki " about leavi"
for the community of Hollywood.
Was you expecting
them to fall in love, Kate?
No, but I thought
at least he'd switch
from taking her pulse
to holding her hand.
Trouble is there's no
challenge for Billie Jo.
Yeah, if she thought there
was another girl chasin' him,
she'd be right in
there fightin' for him.
Sam, I got an idea.
Have you finished setting up
the "Happening's
Around Town" column?
Yeah, why?
I'd like to make
one little change,
for one special private edition,
to be delivered to
Miss Billie Jo Bradley.
She never misses
reading that column.
And I want it set up,
so she'll sit up
and take notice.
Oh, no, I don't believe it!
What's the matter, dear?
Listen to this in the "Happenings
Around Town" column.
"What handsome,
young Hooterville doctor
"is secretly more dedicated
to the girls in Pixley
than he is to his
practice in Hooterville?"
Hmm, that is a choice tidbit.
What do you suppose it means?
Mom, there are only
two doctors in Hooterville
and one is married
and almost 70.
Doctor Depew?
Is that who you think it is?
Mom, don't be so naive!
Is that what I am?
Of course.
Why, this item obviously
refers to Clayton Harris.
Otherwise known as...
Doctor Double-Life.
That rascal.
He hasn't been trying to get
you to go out with him, has he?
No, darn it.
He sure hasn't.
Oh, well, what do you care?
You'll soon be going
off to Hollywood
and you'll forget
all about Dr. Harris.
Do you think for one
minute that I'm gonna go off
and leave him to
those Pixley females
without putting up a fight?
But what about Rock Hudson
and all those
handsome movie stars?
They're no better
looking than my Clayton.
Your Clayton?
He will be.
After all, we both share
an interest in medicine.
Oh.
I'm going to start
college next year
and eventually become a doctor.
And I'll bet that's more
than any of Clayton's
Pixley girlfriends can say.
No, there probably isn't
one of them can say that.
After all, medicine's
quite a challenge.
Yes.
And so is Clayton,
that dedicated doll.
Then you're sayin'
that you're gonna leave
Hollywood and the like
to those empty-headed
Pixley girls.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
When I set my mind
to something, I...
Hey, Billie Jo,
here's the latest
issue of Variety.
Dr. Harris, I'm so
glad to see you.
Oh, you certainly seem
chipper today, Miss Bradley.
Don't you want to
look at this Variety?
Just call me Billie Jo, please.
Hmm?
Oh, all right, Billie Jo.
I-I figure that two people
that share an interest
in medicine, as we do,
ought to get to know each
other better. What's that?
Didn't I tell you?
I've decided to become a doctor!
Oh, that's great news!
Just great!
What's she talking about?
You heard her, Uncle Joe.
She's finally getting
interested in medicine.
Well now don't that beat all?
Just like that, she
changes her mind.
Yeah, just like that.
Mom, have you made up your
mind what I'm gonna become?
No, dear.
Well, if you do just tell me.
I don't want to waste
a lot of time fighting it.
Say, Bobbie Jo,
you ever think of
going to Hollywood?
Sure, I'd love to
go to Hollywood!
Great! When do
we leave? Anytime!
After I'm married,
raised my family,
and have enough
money for a vacation.
Well, Uncle Joe, as they say,
that's showbiz.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.
♪ Come ride the little train ♪
♪ That is rollin' down the
tracks to the Junction ♪
(bell clanging)
♪ Forget about your cares ♪
♪ It is time to relax
at the Junction ♪
(whistle blows twice)
♪ Lots of curves, you bet ♪
♪ And even more when you get ♪
♪ To the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
(snare drum plays train rhythm)
♪ There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction ♪
♪ And that's Uncle Joe,
he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
♪ At the Junction ♪
♪ Petticoat Junction! ♪
(train whistle blows twice)
Well, as chief magistrate
of Greater Hooterville,
I can give you a legal opinion.
Go ahead, Sam.
Since Billie Jo
is still a minor,
you could get me
to issue an injunction
impounding the $500
from that endowment
policy until she's 21.
Sam, that legal talk
slides off your tongue
like dew off a duck feather.
Thanks.
That was my legal opinion.
Now I'll give you
my personal opinion.
Don't do it.
Why not?
'Cause you'd probably
get her so mad
she'd up and run off anyway.
You're right, Sam.
What am I gonna do?
To tell you the truth, kid,
I'm fast running
out of opinions.
I tried every way I could
to get her interested
in a medical career.
That's why Billie Jo's
daddy, rest his soul,
took out the policy
in the first place.
Old Bill sure was het up
about his firstborn
becoming a doctor.
And now she's going to Hollywood
and maybe get
stranded out there.
I can't think of anything worse.
Uh, wait a minute,
didn't you tell me
Uncle Joe was going
along as her manager?
Yeah.
Then, I just thought
of something worse.
Hey, maybe we could get
old Doc Depew over here.
He's helped solved
a lot of problems
concerning young people.
That's a great idea, Sam.
He might be just the one
to stop Billie Jo from
going to Hollywood.
Oh, positively,
he'll figure out a way
to keep her here, for sure.
She's as good as forgot
about leaving right now.
Floyd, go fetch Doc Depew.
Sure thing.
Hey, Charley, remind me
to buy an autograph
book when I get back.
What for?
To give to Billie Jo,
so she can collect me
some movie stars'
autographs in Hollywood.
Get out of here, birdbrain.
I'm going, I'm going.
Betty Jo?
Yes, Uncle Joe, what is it?
Do you know where
your sister, Billie, is?
In the kitchen washing dishes.
Washing dishes?
That's some job
for a movie star.
I know, but until
one comes along,
somebody has to do them.
Smart-aleck kid.
Look at it this way, Billie Jo.
Medical schools
have mostly boys.
Well, that part I like.
And if you study real hard...
Oh, that part I don't like.
I bet you could get
that good-looking young
Dr. Harris to help you.
Oh, he is cute, isn't he?
Oh, he sure is.
Forget it.
So is Rock Hudson, Troy Donahue
and Elvis Presley, and
they're in Hollywood.
Hey, you two, switch jobs.
You wash, and you dry.
I don't want my little future
star keeping her hands wet
and catching cold,
delaying our trip.
Uncle Joe, be sensible.
How can you take
Billie Jo to Hollywood
when you don't even
know if she can act?
No problem... teach her how
riding out there on the bus.
Who taught you, Uncle Joe?
My knowledge of acting's a gift.
Mom says you
should give it back.
Your mother will
sing a different tune
when Billie Jo and me
hit it big in Hollywood.
That's right, and
when we get there,
we'll-we'll send for you
and-and Mom and Betty Jo.
Yeah, we'll live in one of
them big Hollywood mansions
with a swimming pool,
cars for everybody.
Can I have a limousine
with someone to drive me around?
Oh, sure, baby,
anything you want.
Fine, then line up Rock
Hudson, Elvis Presley
and Troy Donahue
to do the driving.
I figure if I'm gonna
get in on this dream,
I might as well go first-class.
Kate, I've had cases ranging
from pneumonia
to ingrown toenail,
but so far, medical
science hasn't come up
with a cure for Hollywooditis.
Billie's got it bad, Doc,
and Uncle Joe's
aggravating her condition.
Yeah, Uncle Joe.
That's another thing that
baffles medical science.
Doc, you brought Billie Jo
into this part of the world.
Now I'm hoping you can
help me keep her here.
You owe it to her, Doc.
Speaking of owing,
did I ever pay you
for delivering Billie Jo?
Yes, yes, I think so.
Bobbie Jo, too.
As for Betty Jo,
you still owe me.
Well, Doc, you better
prescribe something
for keeping Billie Jo here,
or I'm gonna worry myself
into an early grave,
and you'll never collect.
(chuckling): Oh, go on, Kate.
I've had enough free
dinners at your place
to pay for the delivery of
an entire baseball team.
You know, Doc, Charley and me
is in the same line as you.
We deliver people every day.
Well, good morning.
(all greet Dr. Harris)
Doc Harris, anything the matter?
Oh, no, we're just
running low on alcohol.
Uh, drinking or rubbing?
Rubbing. Good.
I got a shelf full of that kind,
but only about four
fingers of the other.
Here you are, Doc,
I'll add it to your bill.
Thank you, Mr. Drucker.
Well, uh, so long, everybody.
(all say good-bye)
See you over at the
office later, hmm?
Too bad that handsome
young assistant of yours
couldn't have got Billie
Jo interested in medicine.
Yeah, he turned out to
be the most dedicated,
most brilliant, most
useless doctor I ever met.
Poor fella's a misfit.
The trouble is,
you tried to push Billie
Jo and Doc Harris together
on a professional level.
Now, you might've had more luck
if you pushed them together
on a patient-doctor level.
Yeah, it's a good idea, Doc,
except for one
little technicality.
How can you make a patient
out of a strong,
healthy girl like Billie Jo?
I had the same situation
when I first went into practice.
A beautiful, healthy young girl
was gonna run off to
the Broadway stage,
but her folks and I got
enough people to tell her
she didn't look so hot,
and the first thing you know,
I had a bedridden patient
with a bad case of the worries.
You mean she believed it?
Come next month, we'll
be married 47 years.
Dorothy?
(giggling): Yep.
Well, I don't think I
could do that to Billie Jo.
But, Kate, it's the
only chance you've got.
Yeah, but a mother
tricking her own daughter...
that just isn't fair.
How's about we
take a vote on it?
Right, all those in
favor of tricking Billie Jo
into feeling she's
sick, raise your hand.
Those against?
Oh, Kate, does
that mean you're not
gonna go through with it?
Nope, it means
I've been outvoted.
Thank you very much, gentlemen.
Here's some more movie moguls
we better add
to our mailing list.
Jack Warner... Hal Wallis and...
Darryl... Zanuck.
Right.
All right, now, take this down.
Dear movie moguls,
it is with great pleasure
I announce the forthcoming
arrival in Hollywood
of the blonde
bombshell of Hooterville,
Miss Billie Jo Bradley.
Slow down, Uncle Joe, I can
only take this down in longhand.
Yeah, when we get out to
Hollywood, I'm gonna have
to get me one of them
shorthanded securities.
Okay, I got it, go ahead.
Please write to me,
Joseph P. Carson,
her personal manager,
and tell us where you intend
to throw the cocktail party
for us when we get there.
It says in here they throw
them things for the new stars.
A cocktail party?
Uncle Joe...
Don't worry, honey,
I ain't gonna let them
give you nothing but soft stuff.
(door opening)
Hey, Uncle Joe, hi, Billie.
Billie Jo, Joe.
JOE: Hi, Sam, Kate.
How do you feel, Billie Jo?
Just fine, Mr. Drucker. Why?
Oh, uh, nothing.
Just thought you looked
a little pale, that's all.
What's the matter?
How do you feel?
Great.
You sure?
(laughing): Of course.
Good girl.
All right, let's get
back to the letter.
Let's see, uh, where were we?
Hmm... at the cocktail party.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, I got a great idea.
Put this down.
Okay.
And then, Mr. Movie
Moguls, you can take us out
to that theater you call,
uh, Grauman's Chinese.
Have some wet cement ready
for Miss Bradley
to stick her feet in.
Don't you think
that's going too far?
Yeah, of course it is.
It's one of them nutty
Hollywood customs.
I guess we just have
to go along with it.
No, I mean... CHARLEY: Hey, Joe.
Got something for you.
FLOYD: Came in the mail.
Looks like a newspaper,
but don't read like one.
Great, boys, great,
I've been waiting for this.
What's all-fired great
about a newspaper
you can't make
heads or tails of?
This ain't no ordinary
newspaper, it's Variety.
You know what that is?
Yeah, the spice of life.
No, this is the bible
of show business.
It don't look very
religious to me.
It ain't got nothing
to do with religion.
It just keeps show
folk up-to-date
on what's happening in the biz.
Biz? The entertainment game.
Get a load of this.
"Shore Vegas bow boffo."
You know what that means?
No, and I don't
think you do, either.
Oh, yeah?
Well, just listen to this.
"Songstress Dina Shore opens
to capacity audience
in Las Vegas last night."
That's what it means, yokel.
I reckon it's more like a
dictionary than a bible.
Appears to be.
You rubes have been riding
that Hooterville "Cornball"
through the sticks so long,
you got no showbiz savvy at all.
Yeah, well, let's see
how much you got.
What does this mean?
"Ban bon in biff way."
Well, now, I-I've been out
of the game for a while, uh...
Right around 60 years.
Come on, Uncle Blowhard,
what does it mean?
"Ban bon in biff way."
All right, so I don't know
about that one... so what?
I know about it.
You do?
Yeah, it don't mean nothing.
Charley made it up.
(laughing): That's right, Floyd.
He can't see for
looking up close
without he has on
his reading glasses.
FLOYD (laughing):
"Ban bon in biff way!"
"Showbiz bible."
Very funny, very funny.
Why don't you two go wind up
that choo-choo of
yours and ride it back
into your padded roundhouse.
You're pathetic, both of you.
Come on in and sit down, boys.
All right, Kate, we're coming.
Feeling okay, Billie Jo?
You look a little peaked.
You're the second person
that doesn't think
I look very well.
Make it three.
How do you feel?
Pretty good.
Glad to hear it.
Come on, Floyd, let's eat.
♪ ♪
You sure you're okay?
Fine.
Fair, anyway.
How do you think I look?
Well, I ain't too sure.
But I think I've
seen you look better.
Oh, dear!
I'm gonna go take
a look at myself.
No fever to speak off.
That doesn't mean anything.
I could be carrying something.
That's right you could.
Now I pleaded with you
to keep your hands
out of that dishwater.
But I'm sure I look all right.
I think.
You better go let your
mother have a look at you.
Yeah.
I guess maybe I better.
Well, worked for Doc Depew.
If Billie Jo falls
for that nonsense
about her being
sick, I'll eat this plate.
Mom!
Mom, will you take a look at me.
I think I'm getting sick.
Hearty appetite.
Come over here, dear,
where the light's better.
Do I look bad to you, Mom?
Mmm, no.
You don't look bad to me.
But you're not
saying I look good.
You're right.
I'm not saying that.
Mom, I'm worried.
If one more person
tells me how bad I look,
I'm-I'm gonna
go straight to bed.
Betty Jo, you
haven't told your sister
how you think she
looks, have you?
No, I haven't.
Well, tell her.
You look fine, Billie Jo.
Oh, thank heavens!
From over here.
But close-up... forget it.
That does it.
I'm going straight to bed.
Put it there, Mom.
For a minute, there
wasn't where I was
getting ready to put it.
Are you sick?
Come on, boys, you got to run
me into town to get Doc Depew.
Okay, Joe. Come on, Floyd.
Uh, here, boys, take
some sandwiches with you.
Thank you, Kate.
This is no time to
worry about eatin'.
The boys should eat to
keep up their strength.
Just to run that toy train?
No, because they were
exposed to Billie Jo.
They were exposed?
I was practically inoculated.
How's the patient, Doc?
Oh, as well as
could be expected.
Considering the circumstances.
What is it, Doc?
Is it contagious?
What's wrong with her?
How long has she felt this way?
Not for long, just a few hours.
What's wrong with her?
She didn't say she was
suffering from nausea,
headaches, or
dizzy spells, did she?
No, she just got
to feeling kind of
strange and went up
to bed.
What's wrong with her?
Well, there's nothing like rest
to get you back on
the road to recovery.
What's wrong with her?
Has she complained
about anything recently?
Mmm, not that I can think of.
Well, that reduces the
possibility of complications.
For Pete's sake, Doc,
are you gonna say what's
wrong with her or ain't ya?
Until I've had an opinion
from my colleague, Dr. Harris,
I'm not saying for sure.
I left word for him to join me.
He should be along in
about the time it takes
to, um... eat a piece of pie?
Finish a cup of coffee?
Sure thing, Doc.
What'll it be... apple,
mince or pumpkin?
I'll take... Hold it, Doc.
Until you've had an
opinion from your colleague
don't say for sure.
How do you feel, dear?
Oh, so-so.
Did Dr. Depew tell you
what was wrong with me?
I couldn't get a
word out of him.
He said he could tell more
after another examination.
Um, why don't you fix your hair
and put on some lipstick.
Doctor's on his way up.
He's already seen me like this,
and besides, how
can I get spruced up
when I haven't an
ounce of strength left?
Well, suit yourself.
I'll call the doctor.
You can come up now, Dr. Harris.
Dr. Harris?!
He can't see me like this!
Well, dear, it's good to see
you at least have half
an ounce of strength left.
(knocking on door)
Who is it?
It's Dr. Harris.
Come in, Doctor.
Hello, Miss Bradley.
Hello, Dr. Harris.
I'm sorry you're
not feeling well.
Oh, she'll start feeling better
now that you're here, Doctor.
Thank you, Mrs. Bradley.
But she's already been looked at
by one of the finest doctors
in the medical profession.
Why he wants me to
conduct an examination,
I'll never know. I hope not.
I mean, I, uh, I hope
it doesn't put you out.
Not at all.
I'm flattered. I'm thrilled.
I'm sick.
Aren't you gonna
start the examination?
It just started.
And you say that
altogether it amounts
to over 500 deliveries, huh?
Well, of course that
includes 12 calves,
seven colts and an elephant.
An elephant?
12 years ago when
the circus came through.
Oh, yeah, I... Oh, Kate.
Doctor Harris. How's
the patient, Doctor?
As far as I can determine,
she's in perfect health.
No fever? None.
Temperature, pulse,
respiration all normal.
Oh, that's marvelous, Doctor.
Absolutely marvelous.
Do you realize what
you've done for this girl?
Nothing, I didn't even
give her an aspirin.
(laughing): Nothing he says.
(laughing): Yeah.
I'm so impressed with
the remarkable relationship
that you have established
between doctor and patient,
that I'm gonna turn
the case over to you.
Well, thank you, Doctor,
but I... You can
drop by every day
for the next week or so,
just to make sure there's
no sign of a relapse.
Certainly, Doctor.
But I must say
it's hard to believe
that girl's been sick.
It certainly is.
Congratulations.
Well thank you, Doctor.
Okay, Billie Jo,
now first we'll start
with a serious pose.
How does this look?
Like you just swallowed
a bottle of caster oil.
Very funny, little baby sister.
Now don't go getting
your sister upset, Betty Jo.
I'm taking some
professional pictures of her.
Professional pictures?
To send to Hollywood.
Give them movie moguls a preview
of coming attractions.
All right, Billie
Jo, now hold it.
(shutter clicks) Okay, got it.
Now sit up on the
desk for the next one.
This is a fine way for
Billie Jo to be recuperating.
That's what I figured.
Now give us a
big smile this time
and pretend you're waving
to the Hollywood throngs.
(shutter click)
Got it.
If Mom gets home from shopping
and catches you doing
this, you're gonna get it.
Did your mom go shopping?
You know darn
good and well she did.
Well, it just so happens
I picked this time of day
because the light's good
and because it's nice
and quiet around here
and I thought you went with her.
All right, jump down, Billie Jo.
We'll get some of them
Hollywood type action shots.
Now I want you to come over here
and pretend that Tony
Curtis is chasing you.
Okay, Uncle Joe.
Ready. Go!
I said go. Why
ain't you runnin'?
If Tony Curtis is
chasin', I'm not runnin'.
(shutter clicks)
Okay, now set
that basin of fresh
cement on the floor
for your sister
to put her feet in.
Oh, that's what it's for.
For a second, I
thought it was gonna be
for something silly.
Now we'll show 'em
how you're gonna look
in front of Grauman's
Chinese Theatre.
Now put your foot in the cement.
Here, hold this.
I got a terrific idea.
I'll be right back!
Here. Now when I count three,
you flash that on
and off at your sister.
Uncle Joe,
since I'm suddenly
your assistant,
do you mind telling me why?
So she'll get used
to the flashbulbs
going off in her face.
Oh, sure.
I should have guessed.
Okay now, Billie Jo,
give me your prettiest smile.
One, two, three.
Okay, come on.
Now we'll go outside
and get some shots
on the front porch.
Good idea, Uncle Joe.
Oh, Uncle Joe!
Oh no, look what's happened.
Well, you're lucky, it
could have been worse.
I forgot I was gonna
have you do it barefoot.
Kate, tell me the Hooterville
Cannonball can fly,
or tell me I'm growing
my second head of hair,
but don't tell me
Billie Jo has seen
that handsome, young
doctor four days in a row
and isn't interested in him.
Oh, she thinks
he's a fine doctor,
and a great man, and an asset
to the community of Hooterville,
but she's still
talki " about leavi"
for the community of Hollywood.
Was you expecting
them to fall in love, Kate?
No, but I thought
at least he'd switch
from taking her pulse
to holding her hand.
Trouble is there's no
challenge for Billie Jo.
Yeah, if she thought there
was another girl chasin' him,
she'd be right in
there fightin' for him.
Sam, I got an idea.
Have you finished setting up
the "Happening's
Around Town" column?
Yeah, why?
I'd like to make
one little change,
for one special private edition,
to be delivered to
Miss Billie Jo Bradley.
She never misses
reading that column.
And I want it set up,
so she'll sit up
and take notice.
Oh, no, I don't believe it!
What's the matter, dear?
Listen to this in the "Happenings
Around Town" column.
"What handsome,
young Hooterville doctor
"is secretly more dedicated
to the girls in Pixley
than he is to his
practice in Hooterville?"
Hmm, that is a choice tidbit.
What do you suppose it means?
Mom, there are only
two doctors in Hooterville
and one is married
and almost 70.
Doctor Depew?
Is that who you think it is?
Mom, don't be so naive!
Is that what I am?
Of course.
Why, this item obviously
refers to Clayton Harris.
Otherwise known as...
Doctor Double-Life.
That rascal.
He hasn't been trying to get
you to go out with him, has he?
No, darn it.
He sure hasn't.
Oh, well, what do you care?
You'll soon be going
off to Hollywood
and you'll forget
all about Dr. Harris.
Do you think for one
minute that I'm gonna go off
and leave him to
those Pixley females
without putting up a fight?
But what about Rock Hudson
and all those
handsome movie stars?
They're no better
looking than my Clayton.
Your Clayton?
He will be.
After all, we both share
an interest in medicine.
Oh.
I'm going to start
college next year
and eventually become a doctor.
And I'll bet that's more
than any of Clayton's
Pixley girlfriends can say.
No, there probably isn't
one of them can say that.
After all, medicine's
quite a challenge.
Yes.
And so is Clayton,
that dedicated doll.
Then you're sayin'
that you're gonna leave
Hollywood and the like
to those empty-headed
Pixley girls.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
When I set my mind
to something, I...
Hey, Billie Jo,
here's the latest
issue of Variety.
Dr. Harris, I'm so
glad to see you.
Oh, you certainly seem
chipper today, Miss Bradley.
Don't you want to
look at this Variety?
Just call me Billie Jo, please.
Hmm?
Oh, all right, Billie Jo.
I-I figure that two people
that share an interest
in medicine, as we do,
ought to get to know each
other better. What's that?
Didn't I tell you?
I've decided to become a doctor!
Oh, that's great news!
Just great!
What's she talking about?
You heard her, Uncle Joe.
She's finally getting
interested in medicine.
Well now don't that beat all?
Just like that, she
changes her mind.
Yeah, just like that.
Mom, have you made up your
mind what I'm gonna become?
No, dear.
Well, if you do just tell me.
I don't want to waste
a lot of time fighting it.
Say, Bobbie Jo,
you ever think of
going to Hollywood?
Sure, I'd love to
go to Hollywood!
Great! When do
we leave? Anytime!
After I'm married,
raised my family,
and have enough
money for a vacation.
Well, Uncle Joe, as they say,
that's showbiz.
♪ Petticoat Junction. ♪
This has been a
Filmways Presentation.