Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 8, Episode 2 - After Hours - full transcript
[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stand
in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart
Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s going
to stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Good vegetables, Jen.
Thanks.
They’re, they’re so...crisp.
Well, I did, uh,
keep them in the crisper.
Well, that, uh,
that must be it.
Balki, could you, uh,
please pass the salt?
Balki?
Balki?
Balki?
Would you please
pass the salt?
Thank you.
Sorry, cousin, we were playing
lip tag and I was it.
Tonight is
the fourth anniversary
of the very first time we ever
said the exact same thing
at the exact same time.
Well, who, who could blame you
for celebrating?
Cuddle break.
What is it with those two?
It’s, it’s a cuddle break
every fifteen minutes.
I mean, have you ever seen
anything so nauseating?
I think they’re adorable.
You do?
Yeah, I think it’s sweet the way
they’re so affectionate
with each other.
You do?
I feel like going to bed.
You do?
Goodnight, Balki.
Goodnight, Mary Anne.
I’ll just, uh, lock the doors
and be right up sweetheart.
Why?
Because you said
you wanted to go to bed.
Oh, right, try not to disturb me
when you come upstairs, okay?
They’re so cute.
Race you to the pillow.
‐Balki?
‐Yeah.
Ordinarily I wouldn’t come
to you with a problem like this.
Uh, but you seem
to be doing something right.
So, uh, tell me.
How do you...
...keep the old...
...home fires, burning?
Gotcha.
Well, cousin, the, um,
the most important thing
is to use very,
very dry wood.
But the real key
is the kindling.
And, of course,
the lighter fluid.
Now, if you just go through
a little bota bag‐‐
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I’m talking about
the fires
between a man
and a woman.
Oh.
‐Oh...them fires.
‐Yeah.
If our flame ever flickered,
I think what I would do
I would go into my
pleasure chest and select
one of the three tried and true
Bartokomous marriage secrets.
"Three tried and true
Bartokomous marriage secrets?"
What are they?
Well, cousin, uh, if I told you
they wouldn’t be secrets.
I’ll buy you ice cream.
Moon oil is one.
Burning amber incense
is another.
And, of course, there’s
the Ocean Surf cassette tape.
Goodnight, cousin.
‐Uh, just out of curiosity.
‐Uh‐huh.
Um, where is, uh,
your pleasure chest?
Well, cousin, now again
that would be another
Bartokomous marriage secret.
Waffle cone?
In the garage behind
my cheese wheel.
Thank you.
Why do you ask?
Oh, you know, no reasons.
Just, uh, you know guy talk.
Oh, hey!
Look at the time.
Hey, you better get to bed,
don’t you think?
I don’t know, cousin, you kinda
got me in the mood to talk.
So anyway,
how’s everything by you?
‐Balki.
‐Uh‐huh.
Go to bed, Mary Anne is waiting.
Cuddle break, remember?
Cousin, I got to be
honest with you.
The woman is
wearing me out.
(Mary Anne)
’Balki.’
On the other hand, she sure
knows how to toss my salad!
Goodnight, cousin.
[instrumental music]
Good morning, cousin.
Would you like
a fish head omelet?
No.
Would you like
a knuckle sandwich?
Knuckles are more
of a lunch thing.
They tend to stay with you‐‐
Listen to me.
Besides, they,
they repeat on me.
Listen to me,
listen to me.
Because of you, Jennifer is
miserable this morning.
I went into your stupid pleasure
chest, I used your stupid
Bartokomous marriage secrets
and they didn’t work.
You went into my
pleasure chest?
‐Yes.
‐What you did take?
I took ’em all!
The moon oil gave her a rash,
she’s still sneezing
from the incense, and the ocean
sounds made her seasick.
Before I report you
to the proper authorities
there’s something
I think you should know.
Moon oil applied
directly to the skin
usually causes
third degree burns!
Ow.
You must have found
an old bottle.
But, the, the moon oil
isn’t body oil?
Moon oil is used to light
the Myposian honeymoon lamp
and the incense is for
outdoor use only
and no one
should ever listen
to the Ocean Surf cassette tape
on a full stomach.
And in case
you haven’t noticed
Jennifer has
a very full stomach.
Jen, honey, you,
you feel better?
It’s funny, Larry.
Until last night
I didn’t think anything
could make me feel more
miserable than being pregnant.
I was wrong.
Let’s get going, this is gonna
take a major league gift.
‐May I make a suggestion?
‐Yeah.
A Louisville slug?
A little garlic on it,
delicious.
[instrumental music]
(Larry)
’Look, this is a waste of time.’
’We’re not gonna find
a perfect for Jenifer’
in the sports department.
(male #1 in store)
’Thank you for shopping
at Peterman’s.’
’Remember, Peterman’s white sale
starts Monday.’
Come on, let’s go.
Cousin, just,
just wait a minute.
I, I want to find
something special for Mary Anne.
Balki, you already got a,
a car full of gifts.
Wha‐wha‐what is this?
Another anniversary?
Today is the first anniversary
of the first time that
Mary Anne and I
got caught in the rain
and our hair got all wet
and stringy
and we used the car heater
to dry it
and got our heads stuck
under the steering wheel.
Well, that must have been
a special, special day for you.
And I’d love to hear
more about it.
Well, we got caught
in the rain‐‐
But...
And our, our hair was all wet
and, and stringy‐‐
But, but, but, I have to find
the perfect gift for Jenifer.
Cousin, what are you
talking about?
We’ve been shopping all day
and the little neck pillow
that you got six
and a half hours ago
remains the perfect gift.
And why?
Because it’s what
she really wants.
Balki, it’s cheap, it’s stupid
and it’s too small.
Cousin, if a gift is given
with love, size don’t count.
Believe me, size always counts.
(male #1)
’Attention, shoppers, the store
will close in five minutes.’
’Five minutes till closing.’
Come on, cousin,
let’s get out of here.
They’re closing the store.
‐No, they’re not.
‐Yeah, they are.
They just, he just said, "The
store closing in five minutes."
It’s just a trick
to encourage impulse buying.
It amazes me how you can find
the ugliest motives
in the simplest things.
It’s what I do best.
Now let’s go back
to the jewelry department.
Okay.
Cousin, the jewelry
is right around that corner‐‐
‐It’s right over here.
‐It’s right around the corner.
Cousin, remember,
look, look...
Just turn and look.
‐Well, now you’ve done it.
‐Well, now you’ve done it.
‐What do you mean I’ve done it?
‐What do you mean I’ve done it?
‐What are you talking about?
‐The jewelry department...
‐Is right over there.
‐Look, if you’d just...
You have no visual memory.
No visual memory at all.
[indistinct arguing]
(both in unison)
Well, I can’t believe you’re
gonna wriggle out of this again.
Just help me put
this thing back together
before the security guard
sees us.
‐Okay.
‐Umm.
Look, cousin
he’s got his foot
in his mouth.
Will you stop
fooling around?
Oh, I’m sorry,
cousin, here
let me give you a hand.
[giggles]
You’re not gonna help,
are you?
Well, of course I am.
Don’t be ridiculous.
♪ Dem bone dem bone dem ♪
♪ Dry bone dem bone
dem bone dem ♪
♪ Dry bone the hand bone
connect to the neck bone ♪
♪ The wrist bone connect
to the shoulder bone ♪
♪ The foot bone
connect to the ♪
(male #1)
’Thank you for shopping
at Peterman’s.’
’The store is now closed.’
Cousin...
I think they’re serious
about this closing thing.
Balki...
I happened to be
a gold card holder.
Now, no store
is going to close
while a gold card holder
is still shopping.
Now just help me
find the, the head.
It must have
r‐rolled somewhere.
L‐look around.
[grunting]
[snorting]
Look, cousin, it’s the
incredible two‐headed Mypiot.
[snorts]
Balki, you idiot.
Now, give me that.
[groaning]
Oh!
Two‐headed Mypiot.
Will you stop it?
‐Hey, cousin...
‐Umm?
You do notice
anything strange?
Other than the fact that
I’m torn between two dummies?
Feeling like a fool?
Cousin
it’s awfully quiet
in here.
You know what I think?
You know what?
You know,
you know what I think?
I think everybody
gone home.
‐Cousin...
‐Hmm?
They closed the store.
Impossible.
[door rumbling]
Balki, they closed
the store.
You stupid little
nincompoopolos.
Oh, so now, suddenly,
I’m the one to blame.
Oh, no, you were pretty much
always the one to blame.
Well, l‐look,
let’s just concentrate
on finding a way
outta here.
But don’t worry, cousin.
I have a plan.
‐Oh, oh, you have a plan?
‐Yeah.
‐I have a plan.
‐You have a plan?
‐A good one too.
‐No.
No, no,
no‐no‐no‐no‐no‐no‐no!
I make the plans
and you follow.
Engine, caboose.
Engine...caboose.
‐Got it?
‐Yeah, I got it.
No one blows hot air
like you do.
I think, I’ll just use
the phone to call for help.
[dog barking]
Cousin...
Did you hear something?
Yes, I heard something.
[dog snarling]
Must have been
a recording.
Probably a motion detector
and a speaker around here.
[dog snarling]
You know, all the big stores
are going with these
high‐tech alarm systems.
Cousin. Cousin...
It’s, it’s, it’s a dog.
Of course, it’s a dog.
It’s a recording of a dog.
And not a very good one,
I might add.
[snarling]
No, cousin,
it’s a big scary dog.
I know you’re scared.
It’s your first time
locked in a store.
But Cousin Larry is here.
I’m not gonna let anything
happen to you, okay?
You feel better?
Huh? Feel better?
[dog snarling]
Why didn’t you tell me?
I tried to tell you,
but you were too busy making‐‐
[dog barks]
Making me feel better,
feel better.
Just for the record,
I don’t.
Alright, Balki,
don’t make any sudden moves.
We’re going to back up
very, very slowly.
[snarling]
[barking]
[barking continues]
[barking continues]
Cousin, I think he wants us
to stand still.
Okay, okay!
Alright, I think
we need a plan.
‐Alright, let me think.
‐I got it.
I got it, I got it, I got it.
Listen up. Listen up.
I got it.
You let the dog chase you
around the store
while I make
the phone call.
On three, ready?
One, two, three.
Go.
[dog growling]
One, two, three, go.
Balki, go.
One, two, three, go.
Go, go.
One‐two‐three. Go.
What else you got?
Nice doggy. Nice doggy.
Nice doggy. Stay. Stay. Stay.
‐Stay.
‐Cousin, cousin.
Cousin, cousin, cousin.
Here you go. Here you go, doggy.
Fetch.
‐’No, cousin.’
‐’Here you go. Here you go.’
Fetch. Here you go,
here you go, doggy. Fetch.
‐No, cousin.
‐Here you go. Here you go.
Doggy, just, just go.
Balki.
What kinda doggy
doesn’t fetch?
A dog that would
rather kill.
Cousin, if I don’t make it
out of here... Oh, God.
If, if I don’t make it out
of here alive
tell Mary Anne that, um, that
I stashed some extra cash
behind the nutmeg in the kitchen
and that I love her very much.
Why am I telling you this?
You’ll be dead, too.
Balki, I know about
your nutmeg stash.
And, listen, if we do
get out of here alive
I‐I’m gonna give you back the
three hundred dollars I stole.
[dog barking]
You stole my nutmeg
nest egg?
How could you do that?
How can you do that to me?
[barking continues]
[instrumental music]
Oh‐oh.
[dog barking]
Enough, enough.
(Jennifer)
Where would they be all night
without calling us?
Maybe they wanted to
earn some extra money
for our babies’
college education
so they took second jobs
and forgot to tell us.
Or maybe they’re lying
in a ditch somewhere.
See that’s the difference
between us.
You see the glass
and you say it’s half empty
whereas I see the glass
and I say it’s empty halfway.
‐Hi.
‐Hi.
Balki, what happened to you?
Larry, where have you been?
I’ve been worried sick.
Well, we accidentally
got locked
in Peterman’s department store
with a mad dog.
Larry, I promise
I won’t be angry.
Where have you
really been?
Jennifer, it’s true.
We were, we were being chased
all night by a dog.
But the worst part was...
...they locked
the bathrooms.
Well, you missed a pretty
special anniversary.
No, I didn’t,
my little lamb shank.
You remembered the first time
we got caught in the rain
and our hair got
all wet and stringy
and we used the car heater
to dry it
and got our heads caught under
the steering wheel anniversary.
I have your present upstairs.
Cuddle break.
Penny for your thoughts.
[mellow music]
Larry, how did you get locked
in Peterman’s department store?
Well, well, I‐I was just trying
to find the perfect gift for you
to save our marriage
and we got locked in.
Larry, our marriage
doesn’t need saving.
And why would you
think it would?
Well, well, you, you don’t seem
to be interested in me lately
I mean, Balki and Mary Anne are
always taking cuddle breaks
and, and, and, you, you just
you, you don’t want to touch me.
I’m sorry, Larry,
but these days
I just don’t feel
very attractive.
Well, you, you’ve never been
more attractive.
‐Really?
‐Yes.
‐You mean it?
‐Yes, I mean it.
Oh, Larry,
I love you.
Ow, ow.
The, the dog nicked
my lip.
Oh, and I,
I almost forgot.
This is, uh, for you.
And it’s small and cheap
but it’s the only thing
I could find.
I love surprises.
It’s a neck pillow.
Oh, Larry,
I love it.
When my lip heals,
I’ll, I’ll blow it up for you.
Cuddle break?
[instrumental music]
Uh‐uh, uh‐uh.
[dog barking]
[dog snarls]
Balki...wh‐why isn’t he
chasing you?
I don’t know, cousin.
I grew up on a farm.
I just have a way with animals.
Isn’t that right, boy?
[dog barking]
Oh, oh. Uh‐ah. Oh, oh‐oh.
[both shouting]
[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stand
in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart
Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s going
to stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Good vegetables, Jen.
Thanks.
They’re, they’re so...crisp.
Well, I did, uh,
keep them in the crisper.
Well, that, uh,
that must be it.
Balki, could you, uh,
please pass the salt?
Balki?
Balki?
Balki?
Would you please
pass the salt?
Thank you.
Sorry, cousin, we were playing
lip tag and I was it.
Tonight is
the fourth anniversary
of the very first time we ever
said the exact same thing
at the exact same time.
Well, who, who could blame you
for celebrating?
Cuddle break.
What is it with those two?
It’s, it’s a cuddle break
every fifteen minutes.
I mean, have you ever seen
anything so nauseating?
I think they’re adorable.
You do?
Yeah, I think it’s sweet the way
they’re so affectionate
with each other.
You do?
I feel like going to bed.
You do?
Goodnight, Balki.
Goodnight, Mary Anne.
I’ll just, uh, lock the doors
and be right up sweetheart.
Why?
Because you said
you wanted to go to bed.
Oh, right, try not to disturb me
when you come upstairs, okay?
They’re so cute.
Race you to the pillow.
‐Balki?
‐Yeah.
Ordinarily I wouldn’t come
to you with a problem like this.
Uh, but you seem
to be doing something right.
So, uh, tell me.
How do you...
...keep the old...
...home fires, burning?
Gotcha.
Well, cousin, the, um,
the most important thing
is to use very,
very dry wood.
But the real key
is the kindling.
And, of course,
the lighter fluid.
Now, if you just go through
a little bota bag‐‐
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I’m talking about
the fires
between a man
and a woman.
Oh.
‐Oh...them fires.
‐Yeah.
If our flame ever flickered,
I think what I would do
I would go into my
pleasure chest and select
one of the three tried and true
Bartokomous marriage secrets.
"Three tried and true
Bartokomous marriage secrets?"
What are they?
Well, cousin, uh, if I told you
they wouldn’t be secrets.
I’ll buy you ice cream.
Moon oil is one.
Burning amber incense
is another.
And, of course, there’s
the Ocean Surf cassette tape.
Goodnight, cousin.
‐Uh, just out of curiosity.
‐Uh‐huh.
Um, where is, uh,
your pleasure chest?
Well, cousin, now again
that would be another
Bartokomous marriage secret.
Waffle cone?
In the garage behind
my cheese wheel.
Thank you.
Why do you ask?
Oh, you know, no reasons.
Just, uh, you know guy talk.
Oh, hey!
Look at the time.
Hey, you better get to bed,
don’t you think?
I don’t know, cousin, you kinda
got me in the mood to talk.
So anyway,
how’s everything by you?
‐Balki.
‐Uh‐huh.
Go to bed, Mary Anne is waiting.
Cuddle break, remember?
Cousin, I got to be
honest with you.
The woman is
wearing me out.
(Mary Anne)
’Balki.’
On the other hand, she sure
knows how to toss my salad!
Goodnight, cousin.
[instrumental music]
Good morning, cousin.
Would you like
a fish head omelet?
No.
Would you like
a knuckle sandwich?
Knuckles are more
of a lunch thing.
They tend to stay with you‐‐
Listen to me.
Besides, they,
they repeat on me.
Listen to me,
listen to me.
Because of you, Jennifer is
miserable this morning.
I went into your stupid pleasure
chest, I used your stupid
Bartokomous marriage secrets
and they didn’t work.
You went into my
pleasure chest?
‐Yes.
‐What you did take?
I took ’em all!
The moon oil gave her a rash,
she’s still sneezing
from the incense, and the ocean
sounds made her seasick.
Before I report you
to the proper authorities
there’s something
I think you should know.
Moon oil applied
directly to the skin
usually causes
third degree burns!
Ow.
You must have found
an old bottle.
But, the, the moon oil
isn’t body oil?
Moon oil is used to light
the Myposian honeymoon lamp
and the incense is for
outdoor use only
and no one
should ever listen
to the Ocean Surf cassette tape
on a full stomach.
And in case
you haven’t noticed
Jennifer has
a very full stomach.
Jen, honey, you,
you feel better?
It’s funny, Larry.
Until last night
I didn’t think anything
could make me feel more
miserable than being pregnant.
I was wrong.
Let’s get going, this is gonna
take a major league gift.
‐May I make a suggestion?
‐Yeah.
A Louisville slug?
A little garlic on it,
delicious.
[instrumental music]
(Larry)
’Look, this is a waste of time.’
’We’re not gonna find
a perfect for Jenifer’
in the sports department.
(male #1 in store)
’Thank you for shopping
at Peterman’s.’
’Remember, Peterman’s white sale
starts Monday.’
Come on, let’s go.
Cousin, just,
just wait a minute.
I, I want to find
something special for Mary Anne.
Balki, you already got a,
a car full of gifts.
Wha‐wha‐what is this?
Another anniversary?
Today is the first anniversary
of the first time that
Mary Anne and I
got caught in the rain
and our hair got all wet
and stringy
and we used the car heater
to dry it
and got our heads stuck
under the steering wheel.
Well, that must have been
a special, special day for you.
And I’d love to hear
more about it.
Well, we got caught
in the rain‐‐
But...
And our, our hair was all wet
and, and stringy‐‐
But, but, but, I have to find
the perfect gift for Jenifer.
Cousin, what are you
talking about?
We’ve been shopping all day
and the little neck pillow
that you got six
and a half hours ago
remains the perfect gift.
And why?
Because it’s what
she really wants.
Balki, it’s cheap, it’s stupid
and it’s too small.
Cousin, if a gift is given
with love, size don’t count.
Believe me, size always counts.
(male #1)
’Attention, shoppers, the store
will close in five minutes.’
’Five minutes till closing.’
Come on, cousin,
let’s get out of here.
They’re closing the store.
‐No, they’re not.
‐Yeah, they are.
They just, he just said, "The
store closing in five minutes."
It’s just a trick
to encourage impulse buying.
It amazes me how you can find
the ugliest motives
in the simplest things.
It’s what I do best.
Now let’s go back
to the jewelry department.
Okay.
Cousin, the jewelry
is right around that corner‐‐
‐It’s right over here.
‐It’s right around the corner.
Cousin, remember,
look, look...
Just turn and look.
‐Well, now you’ve done it.
‐Well, now you’ve done it.
‐What do you mean I’ve done it?
‐What do you mean I’ve done it?
‐What are you talking about?
‐The jewelry department...
‐Is right over there.
‐Look, if you’d just...
You have no visual memory.
No visual memory at all.
[indistinct arguing]
(both in unison)
Well, I can’t believe you’re
gonna wriggle out of this again.
Just help me put
this thing back together
before the security guard
sees us.
‐Okay.
‐Umm.
Look, cousin
he’s got his foot
in his mouth.
Will you stop
fooling around?
Oh, I’m sorry,
cousin, here
let me give you a hand.
[giggles]
You’re not gonna help,
are you?
Well, of course I am.
Don’t be ridiculous.
♪ Dem bone dem bone dem ♪
♪ Dry bone dem bone
dem bone dem ♪
♪ Dry bone the hand bone
connect to the neck bone ♪
♪ The wrist bone connect
to the shoulder bone ♪
♪ The foot bone
connect to the ♪
(male #1)
’Thank you for shopping
at Peterman’s.’
’The store is now closed.’
Cousin...
I think they’re serious
about this closing thing.
Balki...
I happened to be
a gold card holder.
Now, no store
is going to close
while a gold card holder
is still shopping.
Now just help me
find the, the head.
It must have
r‐rolled somewhere.
L‐look around.
[grunting]
[snorting]
Look, cousin, it’s the
incredible two‐headed Mypiot.
[snorts]
Balki, you idiot.
Now, give me that.
[groaning]
Oh!
Two‐headed Mypiot.
Will you stop it?
‐Hey, cousin...
‐Umm?
You do notice
anything strange?
Other than the fact that
I’m torn between two dummies?
Feeling like a fool?
Cousin
it’s awfully quiet
in here.
You know what I think?
You know what?
You know,
you know what I think?
I think everybody
gone home.
‐Cousin...
‐Hmm?
They closed the store.
Impossible.
[door rumbling]
Balki, they closed
the store.
You stupid little
nincompoopolos.
Oh, so now, suddenly,
I’m the one to blame.
Oh, no, you were pretty much
always the one to blame.
Well, l‐look,
let’s just concentrate
on finding a way
outta here.
But don’t worry, cousin.
I have a plan.
‐Oh, oh, you have a plan?
‐Yeah.
‐I have a plan.
‐You have a plan?
‐A good one too.
‐No.
No, no,
no‐no‐no‐no‐no‐no‐no!
I make the plans
and you follow.
Engine, caboose.
Engine...caboose.
‐Got it?
‐Yeah, I got it.
No one blows hot air
like you do.
I think, I’ll just use
the phone to call for help.
[dog barking]
Cousin...
Did you hear something?
Yes, I heard something.
[dog snarling]
Must have been
a recording.
Probably a motion detector
and a speaker around here.
[dog snarling]
You know, all the big stores
are going with these
high‐tech alarm systems.
Cousin. Cousin...
It’s, it’s, it’s a dog.
Of course, it’s a dog.
It’s a recording of a dog.
And not a very good one,
I might add.
[snarling]
No, cousin,
it’s a big scary dog.
I know you’re scared.
It’s your first time
locked in a store.
But Cousin Larry is here.
I’m not gonna let anything
happen to you, okay?
You feel better?
Huh? Feel better?
[dog snarling]
Why didn’t you tell me?
I tried to tell you,
but you were too busy making‐‐
[dog barks]
Making me feel better,
feel better.
Just for the record,
I don’t.
Alright, Balki,
don’t make any sudden moves.
We’re going to back up
very, very slowly.
[snarling]
[barking]
[barking continues]
[barking continues]
Cousin, I think he wants us
to stand still.
Okay, okay!
Alright, I think
we need a plan.
‐Alright, let me think.
‐I got it.
I got it, I got it, I got it.
Listen up. Listen up.
I got it.
You let the dog chase you
around the store
while I make
the phone call.
On three, ready?
One, two, three.
Go.
[dog growling]
One, two, three, go.
Balki, go.
One, two, three, go.
Go, go.
One‐two‐three. Go.
What else you got?
Nice doggy. Nice doggy.
Nice doggy. Stay. Stay. Stay.
‐Stay.
‐Cousin, cousin.
Cousin, cousin, cousin.
Here you go. Here you go, doggy.
Fetch.
‐’No, cousin.’
‐’Here you go. Here you go.’
Fetch. Here you go,
here you go, doggy. Fetch.
‐No, cousin.
‐Here you go. Here you go.
Doggy, just, just go.
Balki.
What kinda doggy
doesn’t fetch?
A dog that would
rather kill.
Cousin, if I don’t make it
out of here... Oh, God.
If, if I don’t make it out
of here alive
tell Mary Anne that, um, that
I stashed some extra cash
behind the nutmeg in the kitchen
and that I love her very much.
Why am I telling you this?
You’ll be dead, too.
Balki, I know about
your nutmeg stash.
And, listen, if we do
get out of here alive
I‐I’m gonna give you back the
three hundred dollars I stole.
[dog barking]
You stole my nutmeg
nest egg?
How could you do that?
How can you do that to me?
[barking continues]
[instrumental music]
Oh‐oh.
[dog barking]
Enough, enough.
(Jennifer)
Where would they be all night
without calling us?
Maybe they wanted to
earn some extra money
for our babies’
college education
so they took second jobs
and forgot to tell us.
Or maybe they’re lying
in a ditch somewhere.
See that’s the difference
between us.
You see the glass
and you say it’s half empty
whereas I see the glass
and I say it’s empty halfway.
‐Hi.
‐Hi.
Balki, what happened to you?
Larry, where have you been?
I’ve been worried sick.
Well, we accidentally
got locked
in Peterman’s department store
with a mad dog.
Larry, I promise
I won’t be angry.
Where have you
really been?
Jennifer, it’s true.
We were, we were being chased
all night by a dog.
But the worst part was...
...they locked
the bathrooms.
Well, you missed a pretty
special anniversary.
No, I didn’t,
my little lamb shank.
You remembered the first time
we got caught in the rain
and our hair got
all wet and stringy
and we used the car heater
to dry it
and got our heads caught under
the steering wheel anniversary.
I have your present upstairs.
Cuddle break.
Penny for your thoughts.
[mellow music]
Larry, how did you get locked
in Peterman’s department store?
Well, well, I‐I was just trying
to find the perfect gift for you
to save our marriage
and we got locked in.
Larry, our marriage
doesn’t need saving.
And why would you
think it would?
Well, well, you, you don’t seem
to be interested in me lately
I mean, Balki and Mary Anne are
always taking cuddle breaks
and, and, and, you, you just
you, you don’t want to touch me.
I’m sorry, Larry,
but these days
I just don’t feel
very attractive.
Well, you, you’ve never been
more attractive.
‐Really?
‐Yes.
‐You mean it?
‐Yes, I mean it.
Oh, Larry,
I love you.
Ow, ow.
The, the dog nicked
my lip.
Oh, and I,
I almost forgot.
This is, uh, for you.
And it’s small and cheap
but it’s the only thing
I could find.
I love surprises.
It’s a neck pillow.
Oh, Larry,
I love it.
When my lip heals,
I’ll, I’ll blow it up for you.
Cuddle break?
[instrumental music]
Uh‐uh, uh‐uh.
[dog barking]
[dog snarls]
Balki...wh‐why isn’t he
chasing you?
I don’t know, cousin.
I grew up on a farm.
I just have a way with animals.
Isn’t that right, boy?
[dog barking]
Oh, oh. Uh‐ah. Oh, oh‐oh.
[both shouting]
[theme music]