Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 8, Episode 3 - Lethal Weapon - full transcript
[theme song]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you
just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stand
in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s going
to stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
More eggs, Mary Anne?
Oh, no thanks. I’m stuffed.
Jennifer?
Do you really have to ask,
Larry?
Thanks.
What’s taking Balki so long?
Oh, he wants to pick
the perfect flowers
for my morning bouquet.
Call an ambulance!
They’re all dying!
Did‐did he say who was dying?
Balki, who’s dying?
All the ants from my ant farm.
Except Mitch.
I’ve still got a pulse on Mitch.
Hold on, Mitch. Hold on.
I’m gonna give him
mouth‐to‐mouth.
I’ve gotta pinch
his little nose
and tilt his little
head back and blow.
Be careful.
Don’t overinflate the lungs.
[coughs]
Why don’t you try to get
his little heart going?
Okay.
Balki...he’s gone.
[sobbing]
Now, what happened?
Cousin, I was in the backyard
picking Mary Anne’s
morning bouquet...
...and I went over
to my ant farm to give them
their good morning hug
and as I put them down
one by one they started
dropping like...ants.
I need a drink.
Well, Balki,
you‐you’ve had that ant farm
for about four
and a half years.
That’s pretty much
the life expectancy for ants.
Not these ants, cousin,
they were happy, healthy
had everything to live for.
Well, I tell you what you do.
Get a piece of bread, go outside
throw it on the ground.
By noon, you’ll have
a whole new ant farm.
Now, who wants another Pop‐Tart?
I do.
Wait a minute, cousin.
I just, I just figured out
what this all means.
I’ve got the curse.
The curse? What curse?
The curse!
The Exterminiki curse.
It brings instant death
to anything I touch.
What are you talking about?
Cousin, this has plagued
the Bartokomous family
for generations.
In 1583, an ancestor of mine
Porkos the Butcher...
...tried to pass off
yak knuckles as pig knuckles.
Well, you can imagine
the brouhaha.
The incensed population
marched up
to the great and powerful
Wizard of Mypos, Dave.
So he put a curse on Porkos
and all his descendants
which brings
destruction and death
to anything
the cursed person touches.
Now let me get this straight.
Your family curse has returned
and anything you touch dies
which is why
your ants bought the farm.
Yes.
Larry, are you getting
that Pop‐Tart?
Oh!
Oh, Balki. Why you? Why now?
Why ask why?
But I’ll tell you anyway.
It‐it just
kind of slipped my mind
but in his twenty‐ninth year
each male member
of the Bartokomous family
develops a really bad case of...
Exterminiki.
‐Oh, my poor‐‐
‐Don’t touch me!
Don’t touch me!
Stand back, Mary Anne.
I am a walking death machine.
But you’re my
walking death machine.
No!
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
Calm down! Calm down!
You’re not
a walking death machine
and you’re not cursed.
You‐you‐you’re
just a‐a little upset
because you watched
your‐your little buddies
drop dead one by one.
I mean, tha‐that‐that’s
understandable.
Cousin, I loved that ant farm.
I will never forget the look
on little Binki’s face...
...as he fell off
his little ant tractor...
...and he looked up
at me as if to say...
"...What’s it all about, Balki?"
Well, Balki, I‐I know this is
a terrible loss for you
but there’s got to be
a‐a logical explanation
for what happened... I got it.
Now, it was
a very hot day yesterday.
The ants probably
couldn’t take the heat.
I should have
let you air‐condition
that ant farm when you asked.
See? So I’m the one to blame.
Not you. You’re not cursed!
Cousin, you‐you really think
I’m not cursed?
Of course not.
Don’t be ridiculous.
Well, in that case, never mind.
I’ll just go outside
and get Mary Anne’s bouquet.
Um, listen, I don’t know
what you folks are doing later
but the funeral is at two.
I’d like each of you
to...say something.
Mmm.
Larry, I’m very proud
of the way you handled that.
You handled it well.
Well, over the years, I’ve‐I’ve
learned how to handle Balki.
You might want to take note
of this, Mary Anne.
See, you just, uh, listen
to his silly, Myposian ravings.
Then you spoon‐feed him logic.
He says, "Thank you, cousin..."
...and everything is fine.
Mary Anne’s flowers.
They were fresh
just a moment ago.
I killed them.
I have the Exterminiki curse.
Stand back!
If I touch you...you die.
[instrumental music]
Hi, how was Lamaze class?
Same as usual.
They showed the film
and Larry fainted.
We did the breathing
and Larry fainted.
We had a coffee break
and Larry fainted.
Yeah, well, the last faint
was a fake faint.
I just didn’t want
to talk to the Bickleys.
I mean, it’s always "Our fetus
this" and "Our fetus that."
How’s Balki doing?
Has he come out of his room yet?
Oh, his mother express mailed
the Exterminiki curse remedy
and he’s up there now
testing it on some flowers.
Balki, how’s it goin’ up there?
(Balki)
’Well, cousin,
I, I think it works.’
’I haven’t dazed the daisies.’
Well, he‐he probably
had to drink some
disgusting concoction
made of pig by‐products.
He’ll smell like a
slaughterhouse all day but,
uh...
...it’ll be worth it.
Boy, am I lucky.
I thought Mama was gonna
send me the big, ugly suit.
All I have to do
is wear this suit
and our lives can
get back to normal.
What’s this?
The business section? Huh.
[instrumental music]
Okay, Balki, Balki, Balki.
Look, let me serve the salad.
‐No, cousin.
‐Just let me serve the salad.
‐Cousin, please, please, no.
‐You made it, let me serve it.
‐Let me serve it, Balki...
‐Cousin, please don’t do this.
‐Listen, listen.
‐Balki. B‐‐
The only way
I’m going to get adjusted
back into society
is with mitts‐on experience.
‐No, I’ll‐‐
‐Cousin, please, please!
I think we should
respect Balki’s feelings.
We need to treat him
like any normal person
with the touch of death.
Tossing that’s all.
[sighs]
None for me, thanks.
Dressing?
Uh, no. Uh, why don’t we
just go on to the main course?
‐Okay?
‐Alrighty.
I made roast beef.
I hope that’s okay.
It’s no toad potpie
but then again, what is?
Well, it smells
delicious, Balki.
Right?
Oh, come on, Jennifer.
If Larry were dressed like
a human pot holder I’d help you.
Whoa!
Alright, Balki,
let me serve the roast beef.
‐No, cousin, I‐‐
‐Let me serve the roast beef.
‐I got to explain something‐‐
‐Let me serve it.
Just let me serve it.
Don’t fight me on this.
‐Do not fight me on this.
‐Listen, listen to me.
Alright, just let me serve
the roast beef...
‐Don’t, not today. Not tonight.
‐Give me the roast beef.
[screams]
I was just going to point out...
...that the pan is hot.
[screaming]
Sorry, cousin. Sorry, cousin.
Sorry, cousin.
Oh. Oh...
Would you? Would?
No, don’t, don’t, don’t worry.
I have a surprise for you.
I baked bread.
‐Is it hot?
‐No.
Oh good, good. Bread is good.
Nice, soft, safe bread.
Have these knives
been sharpened?
No! No! No!
No bread! No bread.
Just no, no, put the knife down!
Put the knife down!
‐I almost forgot the coffee.
‐No! No! No, no!
No coffee! No! Put it back!
Just put it back! Put it back!
Alright, alright,
now come on. Sit down.
Just sit down. Sit down!
Sit! Sit! Sit!
Stay! Stay.
Alright.
Now, Balki, tell me.
How long can we expect
this curse to last?
Well, the average shelf‐life
of a curse
is somewhere in between
four days and...
...47 years.
Forty seven years?
Well, how do we know
when it’s over?
Well, could it be when your
friends are wearing their dinner
and suffering
third‐degree burns?
No, that only happens
when you throw
a dinner party on a volcano.
Cousin, you know
the curse is over
when you touch someone with your
bare hands and they don’t die.
Until then, my flesh
must not touch another’s.
Oh, Balki, you’re just like
the boy in the plastic bubble.
I wish we had
a bubble built for two.
No!
No. No.
We must not.
God, I almost
kissed you to death.
Mary Anne,
you’re gonna have to go
to your mama’s house
for a few days.
Well, it’ll rip my heart out
but if you think it’s best...
What is the matter with you?
There is no curse!
Are Jennifer and I
the only sane ones here?
Well, actually,
I thought I’d go with Mary Anne.
What?
Well, Larry, nine times out
of ten, strange as it may seem
Balki’s Myposian myths
turn out to be true.
I mean, remember
the time he wore that hat
with the weather vane on it
and he made it rain?
Come on, Mary Anne, let’s pack.
Well, great. This is just great.
You‐you’ve driven
my wife from my home.
I’m sorry, cousin.
Can I freshen your iced tea?
Yeah, sure.
[instrumental music]
(Balki)
’Sorry, cousin, I thought
I could draw Dimitri’
’with my mitts on. I was wrong.’
Well, this has been
quite a day.
My wife has left me,
my career is over
and I’m eating take‐out dinner
with Oven Mitt Man.
Maybe I’m the one who’s cursed.
Oh, cousin, you’re not cursed,
except maybe...
...in the fact that
you have me as a cousin.
Hey, cousin, they‐they
gave me extra coleslaw.
You want it?
No, I do not want your coleslaw.
I do not want your coleslaw.
All I want is to sit
and enjoy my dinner
maybe watch a little TV.
And don’t even think
about using the remote.
I’ll trade you a, a Cajun wing
for a southern‐fried thigh.
[choking]
Are you choking?
And would you like me
to take off my mitts
and give you
the Heimlich maneuver?
I’m getting a little sick
of your pathetic attempts
to get me to take off my mitts.
I tell ya.
You know...
...this chicken needs something.
Gonna see if we
have any paprika.
[croaking]
Help me.
Help me! Help me!
Oh, you want some, too?
I’ll go get some
from the pantry.
Okay, I’ll play along.
Knock three times
on the table if you’re faking
twice on your head
if the answer is no.
Uh‐oh.
Oh, cousin,
you’re really choking?
I bet... Ah, oh...
I’d better better give you
the Heimlich Maneuver.
Come on, stand up.
Come on, get up!
Get up.
Oh‐oh, cousin,
I, I cannot take off my mitts...
I, oh... Well.
[gasping]
Balki, you saved my life.
Cousin, do you realize
what just happened?
Yes.
You almost let me die!
No, cousin, I touched you
with my bare hands
and you, you didn’t die!
The curse is over!
Now we are so happy,
we do the Dance of Joy!
♪ Dai‐dai dai‐dai
da‐dai da‐da‐dai ♪
♪ Hey‐hey hey‐hey
hey hey hey ♪
[theme music]
You made my favorite dessert.
Oh, cousin, I‐I know
it cannot make up
for this disastrous meal, but...
Yeah, you‐you slaved away
all‐day in that hot suit
making my favorite dessert...
...and all I could think
of is how miserable I am.
Boy, wha‐wha‐what
is wrong with me?
Come on, buddy.
The two of us are gonna
sit down here together and...
...have some cherries flambe.
[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you
just get a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what
the odds are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s going to stand
in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ Like a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s going
to stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
More eggs, Mary Anne?
Oh, no thanks. I’m stuffed.
Jennifer?
Do you really have to ask,
Larry?
Thanks.
What’s taking Balki so long?
Oh, he wants to pick
the perfect flowers
for my morning bouquet.
Call an ambulance!
They’re all dying!
Did‐did he say who was dying?
Balki, who’s dying?
All the ants from my ant farm.
Except Mitch.
I’ve still got a pulse on Mitch.
Hold on, Mitch. Hold on.
I’m gonna give him
mouth‐to‐mouth.
I’ve gotta pinch
his little nose
and tilt his little
head back and blow.
Be careful.
Don’t overinflate the lungs.
[coughs]
Why don’t you try to get
his little heart going?
Okay.
Balki...he’s gone.
[sobbing]
Now, what happened?
Cousin, I was in the backyard
picking Mary Anne’s
morning bouquet...
...and I went over
to my ant farm to give them
their good morning hug
and as I put them down
one by one they started
dropping like...ants.
I need a drink.
Well, Balki,
you‐you’ve had that ant farm
for about four
and a half years.
That’s pretty much
the life expectancy for ants.
Not these ants, cousin,
they were happy, healthy
had everything to live for.
Well, I tell you what you do.
Get a piece of bread, go outside
throw it on the ground.
By noon, you’ll have
a whole new ant farm.
Now, who wants another Pop‐Tart?
I do.
Wait a minute, cousin.
I just, I just figured out
what this all means.
I’ve got the curse.
The curse? What curse?
The curse!
The Exterminiki curse.
It brings instant death
to anything I touch.
What are you talking about?
Cousin, this has plagued
the Bartokomous family
for generations.
In 1583, an ancestor of mine
Porkos the Butcher...
...tried to pass off
yak knuckles as pig knuckles.
Well, you can imagine
the brouhaha.
The incensed population
marched up
to the great and powerful
Wizard of Mypos, Dave.
So he put a curse on Porkos
and all his descendants
which brings
destruction and death
to anything
the cursed person touches.
Now let me get this straight.
Your family curse has returned
and anything you touch dies
which is why
your ants bought the farm.
Yes.
Larry, are you getting
that Pop‐Tart?
Oh!
Oh, Balki. Why you? Why now?
Why ask why?
But I’ll tell you anyway.
It‐it just
kind of slipped my mind
but in his twenty‐ninth year
each male member
of the Bartokomous family
develops a really bad case of...
Exterminiki.
‐Oh, my poor‐‐
‐Don’t touch me!
Don’t touch me!
Stand back, Mary Anne.
I am a walking death machine.
But you’re my
walking death machine.
No!
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
Calm down! Calm down!
You’re not
a walking death machine
and you’re not cursed.
You‐you‐you’re
just a‐a little upset
because you watched
your‐your little buddies
drop dead one by one.
I mean, tha‐that‐that’s
understandable.
Cousin, I loved that ant farm.
I will never forget the look
on little Binki’s face...
...as he fell off
his little ant tractor...
...and he looked up
at me as if to say...
"...What’s it all about, Balki?"
Well, Balki, I‐I know this is
a terrible loss for you
but there’s got to be
a‐a logical explanation
for what happened... I got it.
Now, it was
a very hot day yesterday.
The ants probably
couldn’t take the heat.
I should have
let you air‐condition
that ant farm when you asked.
See? So I’m the one to blame.
Not you. You’re not cursed!
Cousin, you‐you really think
I’m not cursed?
Of course not.
Don’t be ridiculous.
Well, in that case, never mind.
I’ll just go outside
and get Mary Anne’s bouquet.
Um, listen, I don’t know
what you folks are doing later
but the funeral is at two.
I’d like each of you
to...say something.
Mmm.
Larry, I’m very proud
of the way you handled that.
You handled it well.
Well, over the years, I’ve‐I’ve
learned how to handle Balki.
You might want to take note
of this, Mary Anne.
See, you just, uh, listen
to his silly, Myposian ravings.
Then you spoon‐feed him logic.
He says, "Thank you, cousin..."
...and everything is fine.
Mary Anne’s flowers.
They were fresh
just a moment ago.
I killed them.
I have the Exterminiki curse.
Stand back!
If I touch you...you die.
[instrumental music]
Hi, how was Lamaze class?
Same as usual.
They showed the film
and Larry fainted.
We did the breathing
and Larry fainted.
We had a coffee break
and Larry fainted.
Yeah, well, the last faint
was a fake faint.
I just didn’t want
to talk to the Bickleys.
I mean, it’s always "Our fetus
this" and "Our fetus that."
How’s Balki doing?
Has he come out of his room yet?
Oh, his mother express mailed
the Exterminiki curse remedy
and he’s up there now
testing it on some flowers.
Balki, how’s it goin’ up there?
(Balki)
’Well, cousin,
I, I think it works.’
’I haven’t dazed the daisies.’
Well, he‐he probably
had to drink some
disgusting concoction
made of pig by‐products.
He’ll smell like a
slaughterhouse all day but,
uh...
...it’ll be worth it.
Boy, am I lucky.
I thought Mama was gonna
send me the big, ugly suit.
All I have to do
is wear this suit
and our lives can
get back to normal.
What’s this?
The business section? Huh.
[instrumental music]
Okay, Balki, Balki, Balki.
Look, let me serve the salad.
‐No, cousin.
‐Just let me serve the salad.
‐Cousin, please, please, no.
‐You made it, let me serve it.
‐Let me serve it, Balki...
‐Cousin, please don’t do this.
‐Listen, listen.
‐Balki. B‐‐
The only way
I’m going to get adjusted
back into society
is with mitts‐on experience.
‐No, I’ll‐‐
‐Cousin, please, please!
I think we should
respect Balki’s feelings.
We need to treat him
like any normal person
with the touch of death.
Tossing that’s all.
[sighs]
None for me, thanks.
Dressing?
Uh, no. Uh, why don’t we
just go on to the main course?
‐Okay?
‐Alrighty.
I made roast beef.
I hope that’s okay.
It’s no toad potpie
but then again, what is?
Well, it smells
delicious, Balki.
Right?
Oh, come on, Jennifer.
If Larry were dressed like
a human pot holder I’d help you.
Whoa!
Alright, Balki,
let me serve the roast beef.
‐No, cousin, I‐‐
‐Let me serve the roast beef.
‐I got to explain something‐‐
‐Let me serve it.
Just let me serve it.
Don’t fight me on this.
‐Do not fight me on this.
‐Listen, listen to me.
Alright, just let me serve
the roast beef...
‐Don’t, not today. Not tonight.
‐Give me the roast beef.
[screams]
I was just going to point out...
...that the pan is hot.
[screaming]
Sorry, cousin. Sorry, cousin.
Sorry, cousin.
Oh. Oh...
Would you? Would?
No, don’t, don’t, don’t worry.
I have a surprise for you.
I baked bread.
‐Is it hot?
‐No.
Oh good, good. Bread is good.
Nice, soft, safe bread.
Have these knives
been sharpened?
No! No! No!
No bread! No bread.
Just no, no, put the knife down!
Put the knife down!
‐I almost forgot the coffee.
‐No! No! No, no!
No coffee! No! Put it back!
Just put it back! Put it back!
Alright, alright,
now come on. Sit down.
Just sit down. Sit down!
Sit! Sit! Sit!
Stay! Stay.
Alright.
Now, Balki, tell me.
How long can we expect
this curse to last?
Well, the average shelf‐life
of a curse
is somewhere in between
four days and...
...47 years.
Forty seven years?
Well, how do we know
when it’s over?
Well, could it be when your
friends are wearing their dinner
and suffering
third‐degree burns?
No, that only happens
when you throw
a dinner party on a volcano.
Cousin, you know
the curse is over
when you touch someone with your
bare hands and they don’t die.
Until then, my flesh
must not touch another’s.
Oh, Balki, you’re just like
the boy in the plastic bubble.
I wish we had
a bubble built for two.
No!
No. No.
We must not.
God, I almost
kissed you to death.
Mary Anne,
you’re gonna have to go
to your mama’s house
for a few days.
Well, it’ll rip my heart out
but if you think it’s best...
What is the matter with you?
There is no curse!
Are Jennifer and I
the only sane ones here?
Well, actually,
I thought I’d go with Mary Anne.
What?
Well, Larry, nine times out
of ten, strange as it may seem
Balki’s Myposian myths
turn out to be true.
I mean, remember
the time he wore that hat
with the weather vane on it
and he made it rain?
Come on, Mary Anne, let’s pack.
Well, great. This is just great.
You‐you’ve driven
my wife from my home.
I’m sorry, cousin.
Can I freshen your iced tea?
Yeah, sure.
[instrumental music]
(Balki)
’Sorry, cousin, I thought
I could draw Dimitri’
’with my mitts on. I was wrong.’
Well, this has been
quite a day.
My wife has left me,
my career is over
and I’m eating take‐out dinner
with Oven Mitt Man.
Maybe I’m the one who’s cursed.
Oh, cousin, you’re not cursed,
except maybe...
...in the fact that
you have me as a cousin.
Hey, cousin, they‐they
gave me extra coleslaw.
You want it?
No, I do not want your coleslaw.
I do not want your coleslaw.
All I want is to sit
and enjoy my dinner
maybe watch a little TV.
And don’t even think
about using the remote.
I’ll trade you a, a Cajun wing
for a southern‐fried thigh.
[choking]
Are you choking?
And would you like me
to take off my mitts
and give you
the Heimlich maneuver?
I’m getting a little sick
of your pathetic attempts
to get me to take off my mitts.
I tell ya.
You know...
...this chicken needs something.
Gonna see if we
have any paprika.
[croaking]
Help me.
Help me! Help me!
Oh, you want some, too?
I’ll go get some
from the pantry.
Okay, I’ll play along.
Knock three times
on the table if you’re faking
twice on your head
if the answer is no.
Uh‐oh.
Oh, cousin,
you’re really choking?
I bet... Ah, oh...
I’d better better give you
the Heimlich Maneuver.
Come on, stand up.
Come on, get up!
Get up.
Oh‐oh, cousin,
I, I cannot take off my mitts...
I, oh... Well.
[gasping]
Balki, you saved my life.
Cousin, do you realize
what just happened?
Yes.
You almost let me die!
No, cousin, I touched you
with my bare hands
and you, you didn’t die!
The curse is over!
Now we are so happy,
we do the Dance of Joy!
♪ Dai‐dai dai‐dai
da‐dai da‐da‐dai ♪
♪ Hey‐hey hey‐hey
hey hey hey ♪
[theme music]
You made my favorite dessert.
Oh, cousin, I‐I know
it cannot make up
for this disastrous meal, but...
Yeah, you‐you slaved away
all‐day in that hot suit
making my favorite dessert...
...and all I could think
of is how miserable I am.
Boy, wha‐wha‐what
is wrong with me?
Come on, buddy.
The two of us are gonna
sit down here together and...
...have some cherries flambe.
[theme music]