Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 7, Episode 17 - Wayne Man - full transcript

[theme song]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪

♪ Nothing’s going to
stand in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪



♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze ♪

♪ I’m bound for better days ♪

♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪

♪ Nothing’s going to
stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

(Larry)
’We’re almost there, Balki.’

’Las Vegas, the city where
fun never stops.’

(Balki)
’More to the point,
the city that’s the home of’

’Wayne Newton.’

[tires screeching]



[upbeat music]

The luggage should be
up in a minute.

When Balki won this "All expense
paid" trip to Las Vegas

did the "All expenses paid"
include, uh

tips for the bellman?

I don’t think so, Larry.

Anybody got change for a dollar?

Hi, Balki.

If anybody needs me, I...

I’ll be in my room
until we go home.

Oh, Balki...what’s the matter?

The person on line
in front of me

got the last two tickets
to Wayne Newton’s Show.

[sobbing]

Well, Balki, we can have fun

without going to
the Wayne Newton Show.

Fun without Wayne?

Fun without Wayne?

Cousin, there can be no fun...

...without...

...Wayne.

Well, I think I‐I know
a way we might get tickets.

Really?

Well, I have a friend
who lives here in Las Vegas.

And he said, any time I’m here

if I need tickets to anything,
just give him a call.

Oh, you mean Clint?

Clint?

An old boyfriend of Jennifer’s

who’s always calling and telling
her to dump the troll.

[giggles]

Well, um. I’ll just go
make the call.

Cousin.

Why you didn’t tell me
we have a troll?

Where do you keep him?

No, oh, oh, oh‐oh, oh, oh! Wait
a minute. Wait a minute. Oh, oh.

What, what are we talking about?

Oh! What was I thinking?

Well, what do you know?

We’re talking about tickets!

Oh, I can get us tickets.

‐You can?
‐Oh, sure, sure.

I’m a‐a reporter with a major
metropolitan newspaper.

All I have to do is
pick up the phone

tell ’em who I am, what I want
and bingo, tickets to Wayne!

Larry, are you sure
you’re not doing this

because you’re jealous of Clint?

‐Clint who?
‐Clint...

The man who knows that
you have a troll.

Cousin, where do you keep him?

Forget Clint.

‐Where did you get him?
‐Believe me, Jennifer‐‐

W‐what does he look like?

The tickets are as good as
in my pocket.

What do you feed him?

Troll chow.

[instrumental music]

Yeah, h‐hello, uh,
this is Larry Appleton.

I’m a reporter with
the Chicago Chronicle.

Yeah, I’m considering doing
a profile piece on Wayne Newton.

Uh, I think it would be
a big boost for Wayne’s career.

So, if you could leave, uh

four tickets at the front desk

uh, well I could pick them up,
uh...now.

Uh‐huh.

Uh‐huh.

Uh‐ha.

Well, I...
Yes, yes, but I...

No, no, no‐no, see...

You don’t understand.

No, you see, because
I need these tickets.

I really need the tickets.

If‐if I don’t get these tickets

my wife is gonna leave me
for some tall guy named Clint!

Hello? Hello?

Cousin, cousin, come on!

We’re waiting for you
down in the lobby.

We want to get to
the Liberace Museum early.

You know, uh, Balki...

Uh, I’ve been thinking about
this, uh, Wayne Newton thing.

And I‐I think
you’re expectations

of Wayne are, are too big.

So, what do you say we, uh...

...skip the show
and go out to Hoover Dam?

I hear it’s beautiful at night.

You’re hiding something from me,
aren’t you?

No, no, I’m not!

Your nostrils are flaring.

No, they’re not.

‐You’re eyes are twitching.
‐No, they’re not.

[feet pattering]

‐Your foot is tapping.
‐No, it’s not.

And you’re trying to
cover it all up.

No, I’m not.

Cousin, you couldn’t get
the tickets, could you?

Well, it depends on
what you mean by "Couldn’t."

[Balki sobbing]

Hurry up, Larry, they turn off
Liberace’s cufflink fountain

a half hour before closing.

Balki, what’s wrong?

You couldn’t get
the tickets, could you?

I better call Clint.

‐Yes, please, call Clint.
‐Oh, no, no‐no.

Hey, hey, hold on now, hey‐hey!

Please, call Clint.

Who said that I‐I couldn’t get
the tickets?

[chuckling]
Come on, come on!

In fact, they wanted to give me
more than I asked for

‐Cousin, are you sure?
‐Well, of course, I’m sure.

‐Would I lie?
‐Yes.

Alright, yes, I would.

[Balki sobbing]

But this time, I didn’t.

‐Really? Really?
‐Yes! Yes!

Alright, now, now, what do you
say the‐the three of you

just go down, just grab a cab

and‐and I’ll just, I’ll get
changed and meet you out front?

Be careful walking through
the lobby, Larry.

The bellmen hate you.

Mary Anne

come on, I‐I want to show you
to my special lucky machine.

I win every time!

You don’t even have to
put in coins.

You just put in your credit card
and it pays you money.

[gasps]

[indistinct]

[chuckles]

Yeah... Yes, hello, this is
Larry Appleton again.

Uh, did you change your mind,
uh, about those tickets?

Okay, alright, alright.

I‐I didn’t want to tell you
this before

but you’ve‐you’ve
left me no choice.

You see, the, the tickets
are for my cousin.

And, uh, and well, well, he,
well, he’s going deaf.

And, uh, his, his only wish...

...was to hear Wayne Newton
sing in person

before he lost his hearing.

[sobbing]
And, I‐I brought him
to Las Vegas to...

...to fulfill a lifelong dream.

[sobbing]

Now, is that asking for so much?

Four will be great, thank you.
I’ll be right down.

Hey, hey!

[instrumental music]

♪ You know when that
shark bites ♪

♪ With his teeth baby ♪

♪ Scarlet billows
start to spread ♪

♪ Fancy gloves oh
wears old MacHeath babe ♪

♪ So there’s never
never a trace of red ♪

Come on!

♪ Now on the sidewalk huh huh ♪

♪ Down by the river
don’t you know? ♪

♪ Lies a body ♪

♪ Oozin’ life eek ♪

♪ Someone’s sneakin’ ♪

♪ Around the corner ♪

♪ Could that someone be
Oh Mack the Knife? ♪

It was more wonderful than
I dreamed it would be!

Cousin, I clapped so hard...

...I think I dislocated
my palms.

Well, I gotta admit,
he put on a heck of a show.

[knocking on door]

‐Hi, uh, Mr. Appleton?
‐Yes, that’s me.

How do you do?
I’m Dave Miner.

I’m an assistant
to Wayne Newton.

Oh! Oh! Very nice to meet you.

‐Yes.
‐Uh, this is my cousin.

Balki Bartokomous.

[chuckles]

You, you...

You know Wayne?

Yes, I do. Now,
Mr. Newton would like to‐‐

Is it, is it the kind of thing
where, where he might even say

"Hey, Dave, let’s you and me go
grab a Grand Slam at Denny’s?"

Well, I’m not exactly sure.

Have you, have you ever,
have you ever...

...hugged Wayne?

Well, yes, in a, in a, you know,
a manly, buddy sort of way.

I just hugged someone who has,
who has hugged Wayne?

I hugged someone
who has hugged Wayne!

Balki, uh, why don’t we let
Dave tell us what Wayne wants?

‐Now, Wayne‐‐
‐You call him "Wayne?"

Yeah!

Wayne would, uh, would like to
invite you and your Cousin Balki

to a little reception he’s
having in his suite right now.

He’s, uh, very anxious
to meet this special person.

Oh, w‐well, that’s, uh, a really
a very wonderful offer and, uh

we’d like you to thank
Mr. Newton for us.

Uh, but we can’t make it.

What are you talking about?

‐We’ll be there.
‐No, we won’t.

What are you talking about?
We won’t be there?

We’re going!
Are you out of your mind?

Are you?

Would you excuse us
for just a moment?

Sure!

Listen to me, listen to me,
listen to me.

You are not thinking
this through.

What are you thinking of?

What are you talking about?

What could possibly possess you

to try to crush
the biggest dream of my life?

Balki, you know, you know.

Sometimes it is better
to worship from afar.

Fine! You do that!
I’m gonna worship from a‐close!

Come on! Come on!
Come on! Let’s go!

Alright, alright, alright.
Alright, we’ll go.

Great! Follow me.

Ah, oh, cousin

I am the happiest Mypiot
dead or alive!

Aw!

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Cousin, cousin, look!

This is the couch
where Wayne sits!

Cousin, look! Look!

This is the piano where Wayne
tinkles on the ivories.

Red roses! Red Roses!

You must be the Blue Lady.

Cheer up, they’re for you.

[grunting]

Alright, that’s it!

You are over‐excited.

‐Cousin, cousin!
‐We’re outta here.

I‐I saw him. He look at me!

But, I‐I was just a little
overwhelmed but I’m fine now.

‐Oh, you are.
‐I’m fine now, I’m okay.

Alright, how many fingers
am I holding up?

Ah, gentlemen, Wayne would
like to meet you now.

Oh, alright, yeah...

[indistinct chatter]

Wayne, these are the gentlemen
I told you about.

This is Larry Appleton.

‐Nice to meet you, Larry.
‐Very nice to meet you.

And this is Balki Bartokomous.

He skipped lunch.

[grunting]

Thank you.

Balki, it’s so nice to meet you.

You’re such an incredible
young man.

Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!

Wayne! Wayne! Wayne!

Wayne,
t‐the photographer’s ready.

‐Oh, oh‐oh!
‐I’ll be right back, Balki.

Honest! I’m coming,
I’m coming right back.

Daddy, don’t you walk so fast.

Alright!

Cousin! Cousin! Cousin!
Isn’t he wonderful?

Isn’t he terrific?

Why is he yelling at me?

Uh, why, why is Wayne
yelling at you?

‐Why is Wayne yelling at you?
‐Yeah.

Well, well, well, uh, you know.

Uh, probably, uh,
you know, singing

in front of a large orchestra

all those years has, uh,
just made him a little...

...hard of, uh, hearing.

Yeah.

That’s it.

Poor man.

Balki, I’m so sorry
that we were interrupted here!

Wayne! I’ve waited
all my life to meet you.

I, I have been
a fan of yours since

I was knee‐high
to a yak pup.

And my mother was practically
raised on your music!

To me there is no other singer!

Thank you, Balki! It’s fans like
you that make it all worthwhile!

Oh, go on with you!

‐No, I’m serious.
‐Oh, go on with you!

‐Oh, I’m telling you the truth.
‐Oh, come...

Balki, I just want you
to know how honored I am

that you chose my show

to be the last show
that you hear

before you lose your hearing.

What?

I want you to know
how honored I am

that you chose my show

to be the last show
that you hear

before you lose your hearing!

What?

It’s going fast.

I’m glad he caught
the early show.

You’re a very brave young man.

‐He’s blessed to have you.
‐Uh, yes, he is.

[indistinct chatter]

What have you done?

I told Wayne
you were going deaf.

Why didn’t you tell me sooner?

Balki...

...I wanted to tell you sooner.

[sobbing]

Alright, alright, alright, no!

No, no, Balki.

Balki, you’re not going deaf.

‐What?
‐You’re not going deaf.

‐What?
‐I made it up.

Just, I‐I, that’s what I told
Wayne’s people

so that I could get
tickets to the show.

[indistinct chatter]

You, you lied to Wayne?

Is nothing sacred to you?

Balki, you feel great
’cause you got to meet Wayne.

Wayne feels great
’cause he helped you.

There’s no harm done.

No harm done?

Cousin, you, you took
the, the most...

...thrilling moment of my life
and you tarnished it with a lie.

[indistinct chatter]

Could I please
have your attention?

Could I please
have your attention?

We have someone very
special here tonight.

We have someone very
special here tonight...

...that I would like you
all to meet.

It isn’t very often
in my lifetime

that I’ve seen
this kind of courage.

Would you please give
a big round of applause‐‐

Uh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

I‐I can’t let you
go through with this.

The, the man you’re
about to introduce

is not what he appears to be.

And, and it’s not his fault,
it’s mine.

I made the whole thing up so he
could get tickets to the show.

And I‐I’ve ruined
this entire evening

for someone who,
who means a lot to me.

And, I’m, I’m sorry.

You should be
ashamed of yourself

for impersonating a war hero.

Escort him out!

Alright, not him! Not him!

I‐I‐I lied about

Balki’s hearing problem.

Oh, though I can’t vouch
for the old guy.

Balki, I‐I am, I am so sorry.

Can you...
Can you ever forgive me?

Yes, cousin, I can forgive you
but I just don’t wanna be seen

talking to you right now.

[dramatic music]

(Larry)
’Balki, I am so sorry
about last night.’

I mean, your, your whole life
you’ve dreamed of meeting Wayne

and, and I ruined it.

No, you didn’t ruin it.
Cousin, Come on.

It really, I met him.
It was wonderful, wonderful.

Hi, guys!

[giggles]

I’ll get him.

He skipped breakfast.

[grunting]

Wayne, Wayne, Wayne Newton is,
is standing in the room with me.

I‐I guess you...

...came up here to throw us out.

Well, of course not.
Don’t be ridiculous.

Actually, I was thinking,
and it finally dawned on me...

...that you’re the Balki that’s
been writing me every week

for the last fifteen years,
aren’t you?

‐Yes!
‐How’s mama?

Oh, she’s great! She’s great!

Do you remember,
I wrote to you and I told you

that she was going
back to school?

‐Yes!
‐Well, she aced her midterms.

And she made
the cheerleading squad.

‐Get out of the city!
‐Yes, it’s true!

[laughing]

And you’re Cousin Larry, huh?

Well, I must admit that
you’ve lived up to everything

that Balki’s written about you.

Well, thank you, Wayne.

‐May I call you "Wayne?"
‐No.

I‐I understand.

[chuckles]
Lighten up, Larry.
I was just kiddin’.

He does get tensed, doesn’t he?

Oh, yeah, he’s quite,
quite tense.

Actually the reason I came here

was to invite you guys
back to the show

as my guests tonight.

’Cause I wanna do a very
special song for you, Balki.

You...w‐want to do
a song for me?

Yes.

What song is it?

I can’t tell you,
it’s a surprise.

‐Oh, please tell me.
‐It’s a surprise.

‐Is it "CC Rider?"
‐You’ll hear tonight.

‐"Hungry years?"
‐It’s a surprise!

‐"Moon River?"
‐"Andy Williams."

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

[mumbling]

Will you please tell me
what it is?

Please, I‐I can’t wait!
I can’t stand it!

I’m gonna explode if you don’t
tell me what it is!

Okay, "Danke Schoen."

[gasping]

Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

The ring. The ring. The ring.

You know, I just had
the most beautiful dream

that‐that, that you say
that you were going to

to sing "Danke Schoen" for me.

I am.

Oh!

Oh, oh!

’Oh! Oh!’

Listen, Wayne, I‐I’m sorry
about all the...

...lying.

Ah, don’t worry about it, Larry.

I was thinking about it

and I was really
kind of touched

that you went through
all that trouble

to get tickets to the show.

See you later, huh?

Oh, oh!

Oh‐oh‐oh!

Oh‐oh!

Oh!

Wayne, Wayne!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Ready? Okay.

♪ Danke Schoen ♪

♪ Darling Danke Schoen ♪

♪ Danke Schoen ♪

♪ Thank you for
all the joy and pain ♪

♪ Joy and pain ♪

♪ I recall Central Park
in fall ♪

♪ How you tore you dress
what a mess ♪

♪ My heart says Danke Schoen ♪

♪ Danke Schoen ♪
♪ Danke Schoen ♪

♪ Auf Wiedersehen ♪
♪ Auf Wiedersehen ♪

♪ Worth the sayin’ ♪

[laughing]