Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 7, Episode 18 - The Elevator - full transcript
When Mr Wainwright buys a new couch for his office, Larry offers to deliver it for him. It proves to be a much more difficult task than either he or Balki expected, especially when the ...
[theme song]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get
a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stand
in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart
and a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall
on the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall
on the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder
the wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
Face it, mister, we can’t get
the couch up to your office.
It won’t fit in the elevator.
Oh, it’s just great.
I spent a fortune
redecorating my office
around this sofa
and you can’t get it up there?
You hear that, Balki?
Opportunity is knocking.
Well, I have no choice.
Take it back.
N‐no need to take
that couch back, sir.
Uh, it just so happens
that, uh, during college
I worked for the Eight Garibaldi
Brothers Moving Company.
I was so good, uh,
they laid off four brothers.
So you could get
this couch up to my office?
Absolutely, sir.
Is this gonna be
like that time you insisted
on cleaning my aquarium
and got your head stuck in it?
No, it won’t be
anything like that, sir.
I‐I will treat
your couch with TLC.
I have a better idea.
Treat it as if
it meant your J‐O‐B.
R‐E‐S‐P‐E‐C‐T.
Find out what it means to me.
Okay. Good luck
with that couch, sucker.
Whoa!
Oh!
Don’t play with my dolly.
Stop fooling around.
We’ve got a job to do.
Hey, cousin, uh, you never
told me that you were a mover.
Balki, I have never moved
a piece of furniture in my life.
But how hard can it be to get
a couch into an elevator?
Well, that all depends
on how much of the couch
you want to get
into the elevator
and whether or not
you want the doors to shut.
Alright, Balki,
let me explain.
Getting this couch
into the elevator
is all a matter
of finding the magic angle.
Oh, yeah.
Vila, the goat girl, used to say
there was a certain magic
in my ankles.
‐Balki.
‐Yeah?
Just help me get the couch
into the elevator.
Cousin, the only way
you’re gonna get this couch
into that elevator
is to saw it in half.
No, we are not going to saw it
in half.
Oh, yes.
Make a nice set of sectionals.
Perhaps a little end table
with some straw flowers‐‐
We’re not going
to saw it in half.
Balki, what we’re going to do
is take this end
into the elevator
and then lift it up.
Now you take this end,
I will take that end.
Wait a minute.
How come you get the good end?
There is no good end.
Both ends are the same.
‐Oh really?
‐’Yes.’
Then how come
you want that end?
‐No, you take that end.
‐I’m just gonna take a look.
Just take that end.
Look, now alright.
You see, they’re both
the same, alright?
Now you take that end.
You take that end.
I am a citizen of this country.
I can vote. I can choose.
I do not have to take this end!
Please, let me have that end.
‐Alright, fine, take this end.
‐Okay.
Happy?
Well, professionally,
I, I can’t complain
and my personal life
is pretty satisfying
and I’ve got a little money
in the bank
so overall,
I’m gonna say yes, I’m happy.
Glad to hear it.
‐I think spiritually, I’m‐‐
‐Okay, ready? Here we go.
On the count of three,
we’ll lift. Ready?
One, two, three, lift!
Now?
Yes, now.
[grunting]
And circle!
And swing it around.
Just swing it on in.
Just swing it on in
and into the elevator.
I knew I had the bad end.
Alright now, lift.
Lift. Keep lifting.
‐Cousin, cousin, oh, cousin‐‐
‐Lift it up. Lift it up.
‐Stop! Stop pushing!
‐Just lift. Keep lifting.
‐Ah! Ah! Stop pushing!
‐To the left! To the left!
Is it going? Th‐there!
I think I feel it going!
There it goes. There it goes.
You’ve got...
‐Ow! Ow! Ow!
‐’Stop pushing!’
[gasps]
Aah! Ah!
What is it? What’s wrong?
What’s wrong?
‐Foot!
‐’Foot?’
‐Foot!
‐Oh, your foot!
[groans]
It’s caught under the couch!
You‐you’ve got to get it
out from under the couch!
‐Ow, ow, ow.
‐Get it off!
Oh!
Are you alright?
[grunting]
‐Cousin, cousin.
‐Huh?
‐What is it?
‐Cousin, you know what?
You know what?
This isn’t working.
I think you’re right.
Cousin, why we don’t
just tell Mr. Wainwright
that the couch don’t fit
in the elevator?
Balki, we are not quitters.
We are not shirkers.
‐We are not slackers.
‐We are not movers.
Please, please, just...
You’ve got to help me.
I’ve got to convince
Mr. Wainwright
I am not an idiot.
Good luck.
I can’t believe he remembered
the aquarium thing.
Cousin, I didn’t wanna say
anything at the time
but that was pretty stupid.
Good thing for you,
I had that snorkel in my desk.
And if you could be
just as helpful this time
I’d appreciate it.
Okay.
You know, the thing is
if we could just get rid
of the ceiling,
the couch would fit in there.
That is the stupidest idea
I have ever heard.
Balki, you’re a genius!
Kind of a mixed message,
isn’t it?
Sort of like jumbo shrimp.
No, no, no, no.
Balki, Balki,
that is a brilliant idea!
Uh, if the couch won’t fit
into the elevator
we’ll put the couch
on top of the elevator!
Was that my idea?
Funny, that don’t sound
like me.
Just help me get the couch
out of the elevator.
‐Well, I’m just taking‐‐
‐You take that end.
‐I want this, this is my end.
‐Take that end.
Just take that end!
I haven’t even taken
a look at this end.
Let me just check it out.
[grunting]
Now I have sent the elevator
down one floor.
I’ll pry the doors open
and then we’ll load the couch
on top of the elevator.
Cousin, since this was my idea,
I hereby withdraw my idea.
Balki, it’ll be fine.
Now to make this work,
we’re going to
have to stop the elevator on 15.
Yeah, but Mr. Wainwright’s
office is, is on 16.
I know that, Balki, that is why
we have to stop the elevator
at 15, so we can unload
the couch at 16.
Now get on top of the elevator
and help me pull the couch in.
I’m not gonna get on top
of the elevator!
Just get on top of the elevator.
I’m not gonna get on top
of the elevator.
Get on top of the elevator!
I’m not gonna get on top
of the elevator!
Look it, I don’t even know
if it can support my weight!
Get on top of the elevator
and help me pull this couch in.
I don’t even know if
it’s gonna su
pport my weight.
Just get on top.
Ouch!
What if something goes wrong?
Don’t be silly.
Nothing can go wrong.
You always say that
right before things go wrong!
What are you talking about?
(Balki)
’Cousin, this has fish tank
written all over it.’
[intense music]
Well, at least
we learned the route.
‐Yes, yes, we did.
‐Hm.
And I have every reason
to believe
it will go just as smoothly
with the couch
on top of the elevator.
Help me pick up the couch.
You know, this would
never happen on Mypos.
‐Why, no elevators?
‐No, no couches.
It’s also the reason
we have no talk shows.
Help me pick up the couch.
You take that end.
‐I like this end.
‐You take that end.
‐That end stinks.
‐Take that end.
‐I’ve had that end.
‐Please, just take that end.
‐I wanna take this end.
‐Alright, alright, never mind.
I’ll do it myself.
I’ll do it myself.
‐I’m gonna help you.
‐Aah!
Phase one, complete.
We are on our way to the top.
Correct me if I’m wrong,
but don’t the phrase
on our way to the top
imply movement?
Okay, I forgot
to push the button.
Little snag, no big deal.
I’ll just climb down
into the elevator
through this little trap door...
...press 15
and we’ll be on our way.
Wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait, wait.
How come I, I can’t climb down
through the little trap door?
Because someone has to stay
up here with the couch.
[grunting]
Cousin, cousin, cousin.
I‐I, I‐I don’t wanna stay
up here alone with the couch.
‐It’s scary.
‐Okay, okay, fine.
Ow. Ow.
I’ll stay up here
with the couch.
You climb down
into the elevator.
Alrighty.
Ooh.
I’m not staying up here.
It’s too scary.
We’ll both go down.
You go down first. Go ahead.
Okay, I got ya. I got ya.
[thud]
(Balki)
’Oww!’
Okay, Phil, I just came up
from the sub‐basement.
The elevator’s at the bottom
of the shaft and it’s empty.
We’re ready for the test.
Let’s see how much punishment
this baby can take.
[intense music]
‐’Okay, alright.’
‐Okay.
‐I got you.
‐’Okay. okay.’
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
‐Yep, yep.
‐’Keep goin’.’
‐Hang on alright, good.
‐Okay, alright. Okey‐dokey.
‐Okay. Alright. Alright.
‐Okay.
‐Alright, just help me down.
‐Just let her drop.
‐Help me down.
‐Cousin, it’s one foot.
‐Help me down!
‐It’s a foot!
‐Just one foot!
‐Just help me down!
‐Just drop! Just let go!
‐Just help me!
‐Let go. Alright, alright.
‐Just help me...
[laughing]
Now I’ll just press 15
and we’ll be on our way.
Well, I’ll be snookered.
It’s working.
I may just have to eat my worms.
‐Words.
‐Worms.
‐Words.
‐Worms.
You might just have
to eat your words.
Cousin, on Mypos,
when you doubt someone
and later on you find out
that they were right
you have to eat your worms.
They’re a good source
of protein, but, uh...
...it’s a long, long time
before you doubt someone again.
All connections
and overrides have been made.
Let’s, uh, take it up
to the tenth floor.
What was that?
‐We’ve stopped.
‐Yeah, I know that.
But we’re supposed to be
going to floor number 15
and we’re only on number 10.
Something’s wrong.
Did it ever occur to you
that maybe
someone pressed the button
at 10 to get on?
Did it ever occur to you
that the usual sequence
of elevator events
is someone pushes the button...
...the doors open
and someone gets in?
What’s your point?
My point is the doors didn’t
open. Something’s wrong!
Everything is fine.
I’ll just press the button
and we’ll be on our way again.
Okay, let’s test the brakes.
Let it drop, uh, three floors.
Here we go.
[both screaming]
What was that?
I don’t know.
But it seems to be over.
Let’s not dwell on it.
Let’s just get
the hell out of here.
Okay, Phil,
let’s really test the brakes.
Take her up 10 floors
and drop her all the way down.
There.
Everything seems to be fine.
Everything seems
to be fine to me.
Everything seem fine to you?
No.
Except I can take
some small comfort
from having just figured out
what is going on here.
‐You know what’s going on here?
‐Well, of course, I do.
Don’t be ridiculous.
This elevator is possessed.
What?
I saw the very same thing
in a Stephen King movie once.
Only the elevator was a car
it didn’t have a couch on top
of it and we weren’t in it.
But aside from that,
it was the exact same thing
that’s happening here right now.
This elevator wants to kill us.
Next stop, hell!
Balki, that is the dumbest thing
I have ever heard.
[both screaming]
[groaning]
Balki!
This elevator is possessed!
We’re gonna die!
We’re gonna die!
We’re gonna die!
I‐I hate this elevator!
I hate it! I hate it!
I hate it! I hate...
You are hysterical. Now calm
down. I’m going to handle this.
I’m going to talk
to the elevator.
I have a way
with mechanical objects.
Hello, Mr. Elevator.
May I call you Otis?
Otis, I know how you must feel.
All day long, up and down,
up and down.
Everybody pushing your buttons.
But‐but, Otis, you’re taking it
out on the wrong guys.
We usually take the stairs.
‐Now I was wondering‐‐
‐Balki, wait a minute!
Elevators always have a phone!
Cousin, cousin,
what a great idea
but, but who’s gonna call?
Nobody knows we’re here.
We are going to call out.
Oh, cousin,
that is a good idea.
We’ll call Jennifer
and Mary Anne
and say our last goodbye.
B‐Balki, we are gonna call out
for help.
Cousin, we don’t have time
for that.
We have to call our loved ones
and cancel
our magazine subscriptions.
‐Give me that.
‐No, cousin. I’m calling.
‐I’m calling!
‐I am calling!
‐I am calling!
‐Cousin!
I will give you the phone
when I am finished
with "Muppet Baby" magazine!
‐Give me that.
‐Cousin.
Not until I cancel "Kermit."
Oh, God.
The line’s been cut.
[grunting]
Phil, the override checks out.
The, uh, brakes seem okay,
but I’m hearing
a kind of high‐pitched noise
coming from the shaft.
[screaming]
I think it’s probably
just the cables
but just to be safe, we should
check the rate of climb.
Let’s, uh, see how fast we can
get this baby to the top.
[intense music]
[grunting]
Balki, we’re moving,
but we’re going much too fast.
What if it doesn’t stop?
What‐what’ll happen to us?
Oh, it’ll stop, cousin,
I guarantee that.
The top of the elevator shaft
is reinforced concrete.
When we arrive,
the car will smash
and we’ll be squashed
like grapes.
This car will be no thicker
than a deck of cards.
So you see, we will stop.
Feel better?
Oh! Oh!
Cousin, would you mind
choking me down there?
Because, you see, any second
the couch is going to come
through the ceiling
right above our heads.
[both screaming]
‐This is much better.
‐Thank you.
You’re welcome.
[crash]
Okay, elevator’s all yours,
Mr. Wainwright.
Thank you.
‐Hi.
‐Hi.
‐How’s it goin’, cousin?
‐Pretty good, Balki.
I think I’ve figured out
how I can get
my half of the money
for Wainwright’s couch.
No vacation this year.
Uh, forget about new tires
for my car.
And sell my bagpipes.
Well...
Alright,
I’ll keep the bagpipes.
Where are you gonna get
your half of the money?
Oh, that’s simple, cousin.
I’m just gonna dip into my
Cousin Larry Appleton
Emergency Relief Fund.
What are you talking about?
Well, every time you try
to impress Mr. Wainwright
lie to Jennifer
or say I have a plan
I put a dollar into this fund.
‐Oh, really?
‐Mm‐hmm.
‐How much do you have?
‐Well, let’s see.
Three dollars,
some Junior Mints and this.
A postcard of a golf course?
If you look down
the ninth fairway
you’ll see the villa I own.
‐Next to the lake?
‐That’s my pool.
[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just get
a feeling ♪
♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stand
in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart
and a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standing tall
on the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Rise and fall
on the wings of my dream ♪
♪ The rain and thunder
the wind and haze ♪
♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna stop me now ♪
Face it, mister, we can’t get
the couch up to your office.
It won’t fit in the elevator.
Oh, it’s just great.
I spent a fortune
redecorating my office
around this sofa
and you can’t get it up there?
You hear that, Balki?
Opportunity is knocking.
Well, I have no choice.
Take it back.
N‐no need to take
that couch back, sir.
Uh, it just so happens
that, uh, during college
I worked for the Eight Garibaldi
Brothers Moving Company.
I was so good, uh,
they laid off four brothers.
So you could get
this couch up to my office?
Absolutely, sir.
Is this gonna be
like that time you insisted
on cleaning my aquarium
and got your head stuck in it?
No, it won’t be
anything like that, sir.
I‐I will treat
your couch with TLC.
I have a better idea.
Treat it as if
it meant your J‐O‐B.
R‐E‐S‐P‐E‐C‐T.
Find out what it means to me.
Okay. Good luck
with that couch, sucker.
Whoa!
Oh!
Don’t play with my dolly.
Stop fooling around.
We’ve got a job to do.
Hey, cousin, uh, you never
told me that you were a mover.
Balki, I have never moved
a piece of furniture in my life.
But how hard can it be to get
a couch into an elevator?
Well, that all depends
on how much of the couch
you want to get
into the elevator
and whether or not
you want the doors to shut.
Alright, Balki,
let me explain.
Getting this couch
into the elevator
is all a matter
of finding the magic angle.
Oh, yeah.
Vila, the goat girl, used to say
there was a certain magic
in my ankles.
‐Balki.
‐Yeah?
Just help me get the couch
into the elevator.
Cousin, the only way
you’re gonna get this couch
into that elevator
is to saw it in half.
No, we are not going to saw it
in half.
Oh, yes.
Make a nice set of sectionals.
Perhaps a little end table
with some straw flowers‐‐
We’re not going
to saw it in half.
Balki, what we’re going to do
is take this end
into the elevator
and then lift it up.
Now you take this end,
I will take that end.
Wait a minute.
How come you get the good end?
There is no good end.
Both ends are the same.
‐Oh really?
‐’Yes.’
Then how come
you want that end?
‐No, you take that end.
‐I’m just gonna take a look.
Just take that end.
Look, now alright.
You see, they’re both
the same, alright?
Now you take that end.
You take that end.
I am a citizen of this country.
I can vote. I can choose.
I do not have to take this end!
Please, let me have that end.
‐Alright, fine, take this end.
‐Okay.
Happy?
Well, professionally,
I, I can’t complain
and my personal life
is pretty satisfying
and I’ve got a little money
in the bank
so overall,
I’m gonna say yes, I’m happy.
Glad to hear it.
‐I think spiritually, I’m‐‐
‐Okay, ready? Here we go.
On the count of three,
we’ll lift. Ready?
One, two, three, lift!
Now?
Yes, now.
[grunting]
And circle!
And swing it around.
Just swing it on in.
Just swing it on in
and into the elevator.
I knew I had the bad end.
Alright now, lift.
Lift. Keep lifting.
‐Cousin, cousin, oh, cousin‐‐
‐Lift it up. Lift it up.
‐Stop! Stop pushing!
‐Just lift. Keep lifting.
‐Ah! Ah! Stop pushing!
‐To the left! To the left!
Is it going? Th‐there!
I think I feel it going!
There it goes. There it goes.
You’ve got...
‐Ow! Ow! Ow!
‐’Stop pushing!’
[gasps]
Aah! Ah!
What is it? What’s wrong?
What’s wrong?
‐Foot!
‐’Foot?’
‐Foot!
‐Oh, your foot!
[groans]
It’s caught under the couch!
You‐you’ve got to get it
out from under the couch!
‐Ow, ow, ow.
‐Get it off!
Oh!
Are you alright?
[grunting]
‐Cousin, cousin.
‐Huh?
‐What is it?
‐Cousin, you know what?
You know what?
This isn’t working.
I think you’re right.
Cousin, why we don’t
just tell Mr. Wainwright
that the couch don’t fit
in the elevator?
Balki, we are not quitters.
We are not shirkers.
‐We are not slackers.
‐We are not movers.
Please, please, just...
You’ve got to help me.
I’ve got to convince
Mr. Wainwright
I am not an idiot.
Good luck.
I can’t believe he remembered
the aquarium thing.
Cousin, I didn’t wanna say
anything at the time
but that was pretty stupid.
Good thing for you,
I had that snorkel in my desk.
And if you could be
just as helpful this time
I’d appreciate it.
Okay.
You know, the thing is
if we could just get rid
of the ceiling,
the couch would fit in there.
That is the stupidest idea
I have ever heard.
Balki, you’re a genius!
Kind of a mixed message,
isn’t it?
Sort of like jumbo shrimp.
No, no, no, no.
Balki, Balki,
that is a brilliant idea!
Uh, if the couch won’t fit
into the elevator
we’ll put the couch
on top of the elevator!
Was that my idea?
Funny, that don’t sound
like me.
Just help me get the couch
out of the elevator.
‐Well, I’m just taking‐‐
‐You take that end.
‐I want this, this is my end.
‐Take that end.
Just take that end!
I haven’t even taken
a look at this end.
Let me just check it out.
[grunting]
Now I have sent the elevator
down one floor.
I’ll pry the doors open
and then we’ll load the couch
on top of the elevator.
Cousin, since this was my idea,
I hereby withdraw my idea.
Balki, it’ll be fine.
Now to make this work,
we’re going to
have to stop the elevator on 15.
Yeah, but Mr. Wainwright’s
office is, is on 16.
I know that, Balki, that is why
we have to stop the elevator
at 15, so we can unload
the couch at 16.
Now get on top of the elevator
and help me pull the couch in.
I’m not gonna get on top
of the elevator!
Just get on top of the elevator.
I’m not gonna get on top
of the elevator.
Get on top of the elevator!
I’m not gonna get on top
of the elevator!
Look it, I don’t even know
if it can support my weight!
Get on top of the elevator
and help me pull this couch in.
I don’t even know if
it’s gonna su
pport my weight.
Just get on top.
Ouch!
What if something goes wrong?
Don’t be silly.
Nothing can go wrong.
You always say that
right before things go wrong!
What are you talking about?
(Balki)
’Cousin, this has fish tank
written all over it.’
[intense music]
Well, at least
we learned the route.
‐Yes, yes, we did.
‐Hm.
And I have every reason
to believe
it will go just as smoothly
with the couch
on top of the elevator.
Help me pick up the couch.
You know, this would
never happen on Mypos.
‐Why, no elevators?
‐No, no couches.
It’s also the reason
we have no talk shows.
Help me pick up the couch.
You take that end.
‐I like this end.
‐You take that end.
‐That end stinks.
‐Take that end.
‐I’ve had that end.
‐Please, just take that end.
‐I wanna take this end.
‐Alright, alright, never mind.
I’ll do it myself.
I’ll do it myself.
‐I’m gonna help you.
‐Aah!
Phase one, complete.
We are on our way to the top.
Correct me if I’m wrong,
but don’t the phrase
on our way to the top
imply movement?
Okay, I forgot
to push the button.
Little snag, no big deal.
I’ll just climb down
into the elevator
through this little trap door...
...press 15
and we’ll be on our way.
Wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait, wait.
How come I, I can’t climb down
through the little trap door?
Because someone has to stay
up here with the couch.
[grunting]
Cousin, cousin, cousin.
I‐I, I‐I don’t wanna stay
up here alone with the couch.
‐It’s scary.
‐Okay, okay, fine.
Ow. Ow.
I’ll stay up here
with the couch.
You climb down
into the elevator.
Alrighty.
Ooh.
I’m not staying up here.
It’s too scary.
We’ll both go down.
You go down first. Go ahead.
Okay, I got ya. I got ya.
[thud]
(Balki)
’Oww!’
Okay, Phil, I just came up
from the sub‐basement.
The elevator’s at the bottom
of the shaft and it’s empty.
We’re ready for the test.
Let’s see how much punishment
this baby can take.
[intense music]
‐’Okay, alright.’
‐Okay.
‐I got you.
‐’Okay. okay.’
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
‐Yep, yep.
‐’Keep goin’.’
‐Hang on alright, good.
‐Okay, alright. Okey‐dokey.
‐Okay. Alright. Alright.
‐Okay.
‐Alright, just help me down.
‐Just let her drop.
‐Help me down.
‐Cousin, it’s one foot.
‐Help me down!
‐It’s a foot!
‐Just one foot!
‐Just help me down!
‐Just drop! Just let go!
‐Just help me!
‐Let go. Alright, alright.
‐Just help me...
[laughing]
Now I’ll just press 15
and we’ll be on our way.
Well, I’ll be snookered.
It’s working.
I may just have to eat my worms.
‐Words.
‐Worms.
‐Words.
‐Worms.
You might just have
to eat your words.
Cousin, on Mypos,
when you doubt someone
and later on you find out
that they were right
you have to eat your worms.
They’re a good source
of protein, but, uh...
...it’s a long, long time
before you doubt someone again.
All connections
and overrides have been made.
Let’s, uh, take it up
to the tenth floor.
What was that?
‐We’ve stopped.
‐Yeah, I know that.
But we’re supposed to be
going to floor number 15
and we’re only on number 10.
Something’s wrong.
Did it ever occur to you
that maybe
someone pressed the button
at 10 to get on?
Did it ever occur to you
that the usual sequence
of elevator events
is someone pushes the button...
...the doors open
and someone gets in?
What’s your point?
My point is the doors didn’t
open. Something’s wrong!
Everything is fine.
I’ll just press the button
and we’ll be on our way again.
Okay, let’s test the brakes.
Let it drop, uh, three floors.
Here we go.
[both screaming]
What was that?
I don’t know.
But it seems to be over.
Let’s not dwell on it.
Let’s just get
the hell out of here.
Okay, Phil,
let’s really test the brakes.
Take her up 10 floors
and drop her all the way down.
There.
Everything seems to be fine.
Everything seems
to be fine to me.
Everything seem fine to you?
No.
Except I can take
some small comfort
from having just figured out
what is going on here.
‐You know what’s going on here?
‐Well, of course, I do.
Don’t be ridiculous.
This elevator is possessed.
What?
I saw the very same thing
in a Stephen King movie once.
Only the elevator was a car
it didn’t have a couch on top
of it and we weren’t in it.
But aside from that,
it was the exact same thing
that’s happening here right now.
This elevator wants to kill us.
Next stop, hell!
Balki, that is the dumbest thing
I have ever heard.
[both screaming]
[groaning]
Balki!
This elevator is possessed!
We’re gonna die!
We’re gonna die!
We’re gonna die!
I‐I hate this elevator!
I hate it! I hate it!
I hate it! I hate...
You are hysterical. Now calm
down. I’m going to handle this.
I’m going to talk
to the elevator.
I have a way
with mechanical objects.
Hello, Mr. Elevator.
May I call you Otis?
Otis, I know how you must feel.
All day long, up and down,
up and down.
Everybody pushing your buttons.
But‐but, Otis, you’re taking it
out on the wrong guys.
We usually take the stairs.
‐Now I was wondering‐‐
‐Balki, wait a minute!
Elevators always have a phone!
Cousin, cousin,
what a great idea
but, but who’s gonna call?
Nobody knows we’re here.
We are going to call out.
Oh, cousin,
that is a good idea.
We’ll call Jennifer
and Mary Anne
and say our last goodbye.
B‐Balki, we are gonna call out
for help.
Cousin, we don’t have time
for that.
We have to call our loved ones
and cancel
our magazine subscriptions.
‐Give me that.
‐No, cousin. I’m calling.
‐I’m calling!
‐I am calling!
‐I am calling!
‐Cousin!
I will give you the phone
when I am finished
with "Muppet Baby" magazine!
‐Give me that.
‐Cousin.
Not until I cancel "Kermit."
Oh, God.
The line’s been cut.
[grunting]
Phil, the override checks out.
The, uh, brakes seem okay,
but I’m hearing
a kind of high‐pitched noise
coming from the shaft.
[screaming]
I think it’s probably
just the cables
but just to be safe, we should
check the rate of climb.
Let’s, uh, see how fast we can
get this baby to the top.
[intense music]
[grunting]
Balki, we’re moving,
but we’re going much too fast.
What if it doesn’t stop?
What‐what’ll happen to us?
Oh, it’ll stop, cousin,
I guarantee that.
The top of the elevator shaft
is reinforced concrete.
When we arrive,
the car will smash
and we’ll be squashed
like grapes.
This car will be no thicker
than a deck of cards.
So you see, we will stop.
Feel better?
Oh! Oh!
Cousin, would you mind
choking me down there?
Because, you see, any second
the couch is going to come
through the ceiling
right above our heads.
[both screaming]
‐This is much better.
‐Thank you.
You’re welcome.
[crash]
Okay, elevator’s all yours,
Mr. Wainwright.
Thank you.
‐Hi.
‐Hi.
‐How’s it goin’, cousin?
‐Pretty good, Balki.
I think I’ve figured out
how I can get
my half of the money
for Wainwright’s couch.
No vacation this year.
Uh, forget about new tires
for my car.
And sell my bagpipes.
Well...
Alright,
I’ll keep the bagpipes.
Where are you gonna get
your half of the money?
Oh, that’s simple, cousin.
I’m just gonna dip into my
Cousin Larry Appleton
Emergency Relief Fund.
What are you talking about?
Well, every time you try
to impress Mr. Wainwright
lie to Jennifer
or say I have a plan
I put a dollar into this fund.
‐Oh, really?
‐Mm‐hmm.
‐How much do you have?
‐Well, let’s see.
Three dollars,
some Junior Mints and this.
A postcard of a golf course?
If you look down
the ninth fairway
you’ll see the villa I own.
‐Next to the lake?
‐That’s my pool.
[theme music]