Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 5, Episode 11 - Home Movies - full transcript
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect
♪ Nothing to rearrange
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling
♪ Like you need
some kind of change
♪ No matter what
the odds are this time
♪ Nothing’s gonna
stand in my way
♪ This flame in my heart
♪ Like a long lost friend
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end
♪ Standing tall
♪ On the wings of my dream
♪ Rise and fall
♪ On the wings of my dream
♪ The rain and thunder
♪ The wind and haze
♪ I’m bound for better days
♪ It’s my life and my dream
♪ Nothing’s gonna
stop me now ♪
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
BALKI:
Okay, Mama, if you thought
the parking lot was spectacular
wait until you see what
I’m going to show you next.
Because, Mama...
This is where
Cousin Larry and I work!
Yes, Mama Bartokomous,
this is Cousin Larry’s desk.
And this is his
favorite coffee cup.
I gave it to him
last Christmas.
This is Cousin Larry’s
pencil cup.
And this
is Cousin Larry’s typewriter
and this...
Is Cousin Larry!
Don’t you want to just
pinch them little cheeks?
Eee‐dee‐dee‐dee.
Where’d you get the camera?
Cousin, I rented it.
I’m, I’m going to make
a videotape story
of my life for Mama.
I’m the guest of honor
at this year’s
Bartokomous family
reunion and jamboriki.
You’re going to Mypos?
Well, of course, I’m not.
Don’t be ridiculous.
I’m sending this tape
in my place.
Everyone will ask,
"Is it Balki or is it Memorex?"
Where do I
come up with them?
Well, that’s
a very nice idea, Balki,
but you have
a minor technical problem.
Cousin,
I’m way ahead of you.
I have already
taken off the lens cap
and I’m looking
through the small end.
No, what I mean is, your mama
won’t be able to watch this
without a video
cassette playback machine.
See, the tape you’re making
goes into a machine‐‐
You mean a VCR?
Mama has one.
They have VCRs on Mypos?
Well, they have one,
Mama rented it from
Vito Vavoomikis Video Land
and Sheep Shearing Emporium.
Ah, but does she
have a TV set?
Well, I tell you,
last fall,
Poknok the peddler
came through town
with his donkey
all loaded down
with pots and pans
and dried herbs
and a 50‐inch
rear‐projection TV set.
Mama got it on Poknok’s
famous revolving credit plan.
If you don’t pay,
he straps you to a windmill.
Well, you’ve got
the technology.
What’s your movie about?
I thought I’d just let
the camera run for 24 hours
and call it,
"24 hours In
The Life Of Balki Bartokomous."
And we’re leaving
Cousin Larry
and them
pinchable little cheeks.
Eee‐dee‐dee‐dee.
And what do we see?
Balki’s workplace.
Mama, this, this is my table.
And this is a letter
that’s going
to the second floor.
And this is a letter...
Hello, Larry.
Hi, Lydia.
Hello, Balki.
Hi, Ms. Lydia.
What have you
got there, Balki?
Well,
you don’t want to know.
Yes, I do.
Well, it’s, it’s the thing that
frightens you most
in the whole world.
You have a copy of
my driver’s license photograph?
No, Ms. Lydia,
it’s a video camera.
I’m, I’m making a tape
of my life to send home
to Mama
and I’m having
all my friends say hello.
Oh, Balki, don’t worry.
I’ve been working
with a therapist.
He taught me a way
to overcome my fear of cameras.
It’s a new
Russian technique.
I would love to say
hello to your mama.
Okay.
Mama, I would like you
to meet Ms. Lydia.
She’s the Chronicle’s
advice columnist.
Whenever you’re ready, babe.
Hello, Mrs. Bartokomous.
You have a fine son.
It’s a pleasure knowing him.
Do you need
anything else, Balki?
That’ll do it.
See you later, boys.
You were very good.
Thank you.
Okay, Mama,
time to watch me work.
Excuse me, Balki.
The film you’re making,
is going to give
your mama whiplash
and motion sickness.
Uh‐oh, that’s what
happened when she rented
Jaws 3‐D and forgot
to wear the glasses.
Excuse us, Mama.
You know,
I could help you.
I have some experience
in filmmaking.
You do?
I was audio‐visual monitor
in grade school
for five years.
Well, you live with someone,
you think you know them.
I’m sure we could make a film
that would make your mama
the proudest woman
at the reunion.
Well, cousin,
that was my goal.
I think
we share a vision.
And we could make
that vision a reality.
That is
if you want my help.
Oh, I do! I do! I do.
What, what,
what do we do first?
Well, the first thing
we’re gonna do is
get a tape
for this thing.
Wow!
You are good.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
LARRY: Okay, here we go.
"A Day In The Life
Of Balki Bartokomous."
Are you ready?
Yeah, I’m ready.
Good morning, Mama.
(KISSING)
Okay, I just, I want
to show you the kitchen.
Mama, you won’t believe
the things we have in here.
Cut! Stop.
What are you doing?
I’m showing
Mama the kitchen.
Balki, this is
the breakfast scene.
You’re supposed to come in,
grab your cereal
sit down,
and have breakfast.
Did you look
at the script?
Yeah, where is the part
where I show Mama the kitchen?
I cut that part,
we were running long.
But I like the part
where I show Mama the kitchen.
Balki, it doesn’t move
the story.
But I like the part
where I show Mama
the kitchen.
Okay, we’ll shoot it
and deal with it in editing.
Okay, uh,
take it from...
"This is our kitchen."
Give me a minute.
This is our kitchen.
And, Mama,
you just wouldn’t believe
the things
we have in here.
Right in this room,
inside our apartment,
we have...
Fire. Water.
And you better sit down
for this one, Mama...
Winter in a box!
If you had
one of these
you wouldn’t have
to take your frozen foods
to the top
of Mount Mypos.
Well, I guess,
I’ll have my breakfast now.
Cut! Hold it.
No, no, no.
The cereal’s no good.
Let’s go with the bran.
But, cousin, I always eat
Sugar Booms on Saturday.
Balki, do you want your mama to
think you always have a cereal
loaded with sugar, and lacking
in nutritional value?
Well, I‐‐
Don’t you eat bran sometimes?
Well, I, I, I eat bran
on Mondays, Wednesdays
and on any day when
I feel a bit sluggish.
Well, let’s pretend
it’s Monday or Wednesday
or a day you feel
a bit sluggish.
Pretending?
Ain’t that lying?
No, no,
we are making a movie.
We’re filming the highlights
of your day, any day.
Could be yesterday,
it could be today,
it could be tomorrow.
It will be tomorrow
at the rate we’re going.
The important thing
is to capture
the essence of your life.
And that’s not lying?
No, no, it’s filmmaking.
You take
a seed of truth,
fertilize it
with your imagination,
water it with
exaggeration, and voila!
Docudrama!
You mean, like,
Saturday Night
with Connie Chung?
Exactly. All right, come on.
Here we go, here we go.
Over here, all right.
And we’re gonna go
with the bran.
All right, now just
show your mama
how you eat a nice,
nutritious breakfast.
Cut!
Cousin, I,
I didn’t finish my breakfast.
We got enough
of the breakfast scene.
Okay, now, later on
this evening, I’ve arranged
a little get‐together
here at the apartment.
Instead of going
out to film
all the people you know,
they’ll come here.
And think of the artistic
statement it will make.
Our party,
here in America,
sending our film
to their party in Mypos.
I see it,
and I love it!
But, cousin,
I’d better change my shoes
so that Mama can see me
in the new boots
she just sent me.
Yes, yes, good,
change the shoes
and let’s lose the vest.
It’s kind of busy.
And, you know,
I see the character of Balki
in a pale blue shirt.
Cousin, Balki Bartokomous
wears vests.
Now, on this point,
I’m going to have
to put my foot down
on your face.
I want this film
to be truthful.
Hey, we’re on
the same side on this one.
Go with the vest.
If there’s one thing I want
this film to be, it’s truthful.
Thank you, cousin.
Yeah, hello, Don?
Uh, Larry Appleton.
Yes, I just wanted to confirm
I’ve got 10 actors
from your theater group for the
film I’m shooting this evening.
Yeah, now,
they will be playing
the star’s closest friends
in a party scene.
So, I want them
to dress accordingly.
I want this film
to be truthful.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay, everybody,
listen up, quiet people.
I want to go over this
one more time.
Now, we’re going to do
the party sequence.
Now, we’re going
to surprise Balki
because he’s not
expecting anybody
till much later.
I hear someone coming.
Okay, here we go.
We’ve only got one shot at it.
Let’s really nail it.
Ready?
Action.
ALL: Surprise!
Oh, my gosh.
Cut!
Uh, a surprise party for me?
I, I never even suspected.
Thank you, Larry.
Thank you, Jennifer.
Mary Anne,
the party’s not for you.
It’s for Balki, remember?
Oh, right.
Come in. Come in.
Larry, who are
all these people?
Oh, they’re actors from
the neighborhood players.
I hired them to be in the film.
Well, why wouldn’t you
just use Balki’s friends?
Well, I’m going
for a real festive look here
and Balki’s friends
just don’t...
(SNAPS FINGERS)
...pop on film.
Well, thanks a lot.
No, not you, you’re here.
You pop.
You pop, too,
Mary Anne.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
Thanks, I try.
Larry, don’t you think
you should’ve asked Balki
before you did all this?
Jennifer, Balki asked me
to make this film for him.
And I am going to make this
the best film Mypos ever saw.
It may be Balki’s life,
but it’s my film.
He’s coming.
Okay, all right.
Over here.
All right, come on,
everybody.
Now, when he comes
through the door
I want to see "surprise!"
I want to see warmth!
I want to see a lot of emotion.
Remember, you love this guy.
Okay.
Ready?
Action!
ALL: Surprise!
Great, hold the look,
hold the look.
Good, good. Cross over here.
Cross over here.
Big hug!
Say something.
Who are you?
Okay, good. Cross over here.
Cross over here.
Good!
You are so surprised!
You’re happy,
You’re happy.
Choke back a tear
if you can.
Yeah, good, good.
Hi, Balki!
No. No, no, no.
Come on.
Cross back over here.
Cross back over here.
Cousin, cousin,
who, who are all these people?
They’re all your friends.
You love them so much.
Well, I recognize those two.
Good. Okay, now,
cross over here.
Cross over here.
Oh, and look who it is.
It’s Mr. Gorpley!
Big reaction!
Big reaction!
Big, big, big, big!
Okay, all right.
Mr. Gorpley,
is there anything
you’d like to say
to Balki’s mama?
Balki is a real swell guy.
What’s for dessert?
Terrific.
Okay, Balki, Balki.
Cross over here.
Wait a minute
I want to say thank you
to Mr. Gorpley‐‐
No, no, wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no.
You can do that
when we do the warm scene later.
Cross over here.
Come on, yeah...
Oh! And look who it is,
it’s Ms. Lydia from work.
Hi, Mrs. Bartokomous.
I’m Lydia Markham.
And I’m so happy and proud
to be here at this party
to honor
my best friend Bilki.
All of us
at the Chronicle love Bilki.
He’s such a joy to be around.
And Bilki
is such a hard worker.
Ms. Lydia?
Have you done something
different with your hair?
Do I have
another line here?
I mean,
is he supposed to say that?
Cousin, could I,
could I have a word with you?
Okay, Cut!
Hold your places, people.
I’m pretty sure,
that isn’t Ms. Lydia.
Of course it’s not
Ms. Lydia.
Ms. Lydia talks to her hand.
Your mama doesn’t
want to see that.
I got an actress
to play Lydia.
But Mama will think
that is Ms. Lydia.
So what? It happens
in the movies all the time.
They always get an actor
to play a real life person.
Oh, and I suppose
Crocodile Dundee
was some actor?
Balki, buddy,
Ms. Lydia wanted to be here.
She even wrote the words
the actress is saying,
but remember,
we are trying to capture
the essence of your life.
Yeah, but, but cousin‐‐
We’ll talk about it later.
Come on, we’re losing
the energy of the scene.
Okay, Jennifer, Mary Anne,
are you ready?
Jennifer, why don’t you start.
Okay, Balki, ready?
Action!
Mrs. Bartokomous, you must be
very proud of your son.
He’s kind and generous
and loving and I’m glad‐‐
LARRY: Cut!
Cousin, why you did stop her?
She was on a roll.
Jennifer, that doesn’t sound
like the script I gave you.
Well, Mary Anne
and I thought
it would be nicer
if we say
what we really feel.
I’m not paying you
to say what you feel.
You’re not paying us at all.
Okay, all right,
uh, ladies, uh...
Let me, let me explain
a basic fact of filmmaking.
I am the director.
You are the actresses.
My job is to tell you
what to do.
Your job is to do it.
Okay,
now let’s take it again.
I’m going to get him.
No, no, Jennifer, Jennifer.
Cousin, I need to talk to you
for a moment in the kitchen.
Balki, sit down,
let’s finish this up.
Cousin, now.
Okay, now.
Make it quick,
these people have to do
Fiddler on the Roof
in 20 minutes.
Cousin, you were rude
to Jennifer and Mary Anne.
Balki, buddy, babe,
a little spat
over creative differences.
We’ll make up
at the cast party.
Cousin, I agree with Jennifer.
Why you don’t let them
say what they feel
instead of what you
make up for them?
Balki, everyone has
to follow my script
if we’re going to capture
the essence of your life.
Cousin,
this film is becoming
a pain in my essence.
Now, now, now, first, you,
you bring in a lot of people
who I don’t even know.
And then you hire
an actress to play Ms. Lydia
and don’t think
I didn’t notice
the difference in height.
But, cousin, the straw that
broke Glen Campbell’s back...
Is that you wouldn’t let
Jennifer and Mary Anne
speak from their hearts.
This is not my life.
This is something
you are making up
and I don’t want
to do it anymore.
What?
Cousin, read my lips.
It’s over, finished,
kaputiki.
So what are you saying?
You’re off the picture.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
BALKI: (ON TV)
Mama, I would like you
to meet Jennifer.
This is
Cousin Larry’s girlfriend.
Balki, this is
a wonderful film.
Your mama will love it.
JENNIFER: (ON TV)
We all love Balki very much.
BALKI:
Mama, I want you to meet
someone really special to me,
my little lamb shank,
Mary Anne.
Okay, go.
Mrs. Bartokomous,
I just want to say
how glad I am
I met your son.
He has a very special place
in my heart.
Thank you so much
for letting him
come to America.
(BALKI CHUCKLING)
Whoa, whoa.
Bye.
Wow.
Well, Mama, um,
that about wraps it up.
I hope everyone’s having
a great time at the reunion.
Mama, I wish I could
be there with you.
You could tell me
everything that’s happened
since the last time
I was on Mypos.
I wish we could go walking
in your garden again.
We could go and,
and sit under the olive tree
and watch the sunset
and spit pits for distance.
Well, maybe I’ll see you
at the next reunion, okay?
Bye‐bye, Mama.
Oh, Balki,
that was beautiful.
Yeah, it was.
Oh, Larry, hi. Um...
Well, it’s getting late.
Uh, you two
probably want to talk.
Right.
We’ll come back
in the morning
and help you clean up.
You know, I don’t know what
Lydia’s been doing to herself,
but she sure looks fabulous.
I saw a little bit
of your, uh, film.
Looks good.
Thank you, cousin.
You know my only regret
is that I don’t
have my closest
and dearest friend
in the whole world in it
so that Mama
could meet him.
Well, I wish I could
have been in it.
Well, I still
have the camera.
Well, Mrs. Bartokomous,
everyone...
Uh... Uh...
Cousin,
just say what you feel.
They’re your family,
too. Go ahead.
I know you’re all sad
because Balki’s not there
and I know you miss him.
I, I know because,
uh, I’d miss him, too
if he weren’t here.
He’s my best friend.
And don’t worry
about him because
he’s doing fine
here in America.
I’ll look out for him.
Well, we, we look out
for each other.
I hope you’re having
a great reunion.
Bye‐bye, Mama.
Bye‐bye, Mama.
Aw, cousin,
that was very nice.
Now, can you take it again
and this time make it pop?
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect
♪ Nothing to rearrange
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling
♪ Like you need
some kind of change
♪ No matter what
the odds are this time
♪ Nothing’s gonna
stand in my way
♪ This flame in my heart
♪ Like a long lost friend
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end
♪ Standing tall
♪ On the wings of my dream
♪ Rise and fall
♪ On the wings of my dream
♪ The rain and thunder
♪ The wind and haze
♪ I’m bound for better days
♪ It’s my life and my dream
♪ Nothing’s gonna
stop me now ♪
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
BALKI:
Okay, Mama, if you thought
the parking lot was spectacular
wait until you see what
I’m going to show you next.
Because, Mama...
This is where
Cousin Larry and I work!
Yes, Mama Bartokomous,
this is Cousin Larry’s desk.
And this is his
favorite coffee cup.
I gave it to him
last Christmas.
This is Cousin Larry’s
pencil cup.
And this
is Cousin Larry’s typewriter
and this...
Is Cousin Larry!
Don’t you want to just
pinch them little cheeks?
Eee‐dee‐dee‐dee.
Where’d you get the camera?
Cousin, I rented it.
I’m, I’m going to make
a videotape story
of my life for Mama.
I’m the guest of honor
at this year’s
Bartokomous family
reunion and jamboriki.
You’re going to Mypos?
Well, of course, I’m not.
Don’t be ridiculous.
I’m sending this tape
in my place.
Everyone will ask,
"Is it Balki or is it Memorex?"
Where do I
come up with them?
Well, that’s
a very nice idea, Balki,
but you have
a minor technical problem.
Cousin,
I’m way ahead of you.
I have already
taken off the lens cap
and I’m looking
through the small end.
No, what I mean is, your mama
won’t be able to watch this
without a video
cassette playback machine.
See, the tape you’re making
goes into a machine‐‐
You mean a VCR?
Mama has one.
They have VCRs on Mypos?
Well, they have one,
Mama rented it from
Vito Vavoomikis Video Land
and Sheep Shearing Emporium.
Ah, but does she
have a TV set?
Well, I tell you,
last fall,
Poknok the peddler
came through town
with his donkey
all loaded down
with pots and pans
and dried herbs
and a 50‐inch
rear‐projection TV set.
Mama got it on Poknok’s
famous revolving credit plan.
If you don’t pay,
he straps you to a windmill.
Well, you’ve got
the technology.
What’s your movie about?
I thought I’d just let
the camera run for 24 hours
and call it,
"24 hours In
The Life Of Balki Bartokomous."
And we’re leaving
Cousin Larry
and them
pinchable little cheeks.
Eee‐dee‐dee‐dee.
And what do we see?
Balki’s workplace.
Mama, this, this is my table.
And this is a letter
that’s going
to the second floor.
And this is a letter...
Hello, Larry.
Hi, Lydia.
Hello, Balki.
Hi, Ms. Lydia.
What have you
got there, Balki?
Well,
you don’t want to know.
Yes, I do.
Well, it’s, it’s the thing that
frightens you most
in the whole world.
You have a copy of
my driver’s license photograph?
No, Ms. Lydia,
it’s a video camera.
I’m, I’m making a tape
of my life to send home
to Mama
and I’m having
all my friends say hello.
Oh, Balki, don’t worry.
I’ve been working
with a therapist.
He taught me a way
to overcome my fear of cameras.
It’s a new
Russian technique.
I would love to say
hello to your mama.
Okay.
Mama, I would like you
to meet Ms. Lydia.
She’s the Chronicle’s
advice columnist.
Whenever you’re ready, babe.
Hello, Mrs. Bartokomous.
You have a fine son.
It’s a pleasure knowing him.
Do you need
anything else, Balki?
That’ll do it.
See you later, boys.
You were very good.
Thank you.
Okay, Mama,
time to watch me work.
Excuse me, Balki.
The film you’re making,
is going to give
your mama whiplash
and motion sickness.
Uh‐oh, that’s what
happened when she rented
Jaws 3‐D and forgot
to wear the glasses.
Excuse us, Mama.
You know,
I could help you.
I have some experience
in filmmaking.
You do?
I was audio‐visual monitor
in grade school
for five years.
Well, you live with someone,
you think you know them.
I’m sure we could make a film
that would make your mama
the proudest woman
at the reunion.
Well, cousin,
that was my goal.
I think
we share a vision.
And we could make
that vision a reality.
That is
if you want my help.
Oh, I do! I do! I do.
What, what,
what do we do first?
Well, the first thing
we’re gonna do is
get a tape
for this thing.
Wow!
You are good.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
LARRY: Okay, here we go.
"A Day In The Life
Of Balki Bartokomous."
Are you ready?
Yeah, I’m ready.
Good morning, Mama.
(KISSING)
Okay, I just, I want
to show you the kitchen.
Mama, you won’t believe
the things we have in here.
Cut! Stop.
What are you doing?
I’m showing
Mama the kitchen.
Balki, this is
the breakfast scene.
You’re supposed to come in,
grab your cereal
sit down,
and have breakfast.
Did you look
at the script?
Yeah, where is the part
where I show Mama the kitchen?
I cut that part,
we were running long.
But I like the part
where I show Mama the kitchen.
Balki, it doesn’t move
the story.
But I like the part
where I show Mama
the kitchen.
Okay, we’ll shoot it
and deal with it in editing.
Okay, uh,
take it from...
"This is our kitchen."
Give me a minute.
This is our kitchen.
And, Mama,
you just wouldn’t believe
the things
we have in here.
Right in this room,
inside our apartment,
we have...
Fire. Water.
And you better sit down
for this one, Mama...
Winter in a box!
If you had
one of these
you wouldn’t have
to take your frozen foods
to the top
of Mount Mypos.
Well, I guess,
I’ll have my breakfast now.
Cut! Hold it.
No, no, no.
The cereal’s no good.
Let’s go with the bran.
But, cousin, I always eat
Sugar Booms on Saturday.
Balki, do you want your mama to
think you always have a cereal
loaded with sugar, and lacking
in nutritional value?
Well, I‐‐
Don’t you eat bran sometimes?
Well, I, I, I eat bran
on Mondays, Wednesdays
and on any day when
I feel a bit sluggish.
Well, let’s pretend
it’s Monday or Wednesday
or a day you feel
a bit sluggish.
Pretending?
Ain’t that lying?
No, no,
we are making a movie.
We’re filming the highlights
of your day, any day.
Could be yesterday,
it could be today,
it could be tomorrow.
It will be tomorrow
at the rate we’re going.
The important thing
is to capture
the essence of your life.
And that’s not lying?
No, no, it’s filmmaking.
You take
a seed of truth,
fertilize it
with your imagination,
water it with
exaggeration, and voila!
Docudrama!
You mean, like,
Saturday Night
with Connie Chung?
Exactly. All right, come on.
Here we go, here we go.
Over here, all right.
And we’re gonna go
with the bran.
All right, now just
show your mama
how you eat a nice,
nutritious breakfast.
Cut!
Cousin, I,
I didn’t finish my breakfast.
We got enough
of the breakfast scene.
Okay, now, later on
this evening, I’ve arranged
a little get‐together
here at the apartment.
Instead of going
out to film
all the people you know,
they’ll come here.
And think of the artistic
statement it will make.
Our party,
here in America,
sending our film
to their party in Mypos.
I see it,
and I love it!
But, cousin,
I’d better change my shoes
so that Mama can see me
in the new boots
she just sent me.
Yes, yes, good,
change the shoes
and let’s lose the vest.
It’s kind of busy.
And, you know,
I see the character of Balki
in a pale blue shirt.
Cousin, Balki Bartokomous
wears vests.
Now, on this point,
I’m going to have
to put my foot down
on your face.
I want this film
to be truthful.
Hey, we’re on
the same side on this one.
Go with the vest.
If there’s one thing I want
this film to be, it’s truthful.
Thank you, cousin.
Yeah, hello, Don?
Uh, Larry Appleton.
Yes, I just wanted to confirm
I’ve got 10 actors
from your theater group for the
film I’m shooting this evening.
Yeah, now,
they will be playing
the star’s closest friends
in a party scene.
So, I want them
to dress accordingly.
I want this film
to be truthful.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay, everybody,
listen up, quiet people.
I want to go over this
one more time.
Now, we’re going to do
the party sequence.
Now, we’re going
to surprise Balki
because he’s not
expecting anybody
till much later.
I hear someone coming.
Okay, here we go.
We’ve only got one shot at it.
Let’s really nail it.
Ready?
Action.
ALL: Surprise!
Oh, my gosh.
Cut!
Uh, a surprise party for me?
I, I never even suspected.
Thank you, Larry.
Thank you, Jennifer.
Mary Anne,
the party’s not for you.
It’s for Balki, remember?
Oh, right.
Come in. Come in.
Larry, who are
all these people?
Oh, they’re actors from
the neighborhood players.
I hired them to be in the film.
Well, why wouldn’t you
just use Balki’s friends?
Well, I’m going
for a real festive look here
and Balki’s friends
just don’t...
(SNAPS FINGERS)
...pop on film.
Well, thanks a lot.
No, not you, you’re here.
You pop.
You pop, too,
Mary Anne.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
Thanks, I try.
Larry, don’t you think
you should’ve asked Balki
before you did all this?
Jennifer, Balki asked me
to make this film for him.
And I am going to make this
the best film Mypos ever saw.
It may be Balki’s life,
but it’s my film.
He’s coming.
Okay, all right.
Over here.
All right, come on,
everybody.
Now, when he comes
through the door
I want to see "surprise!"
I want to see warmth!
I want to see a lot of emotion.
Remember, you love this guy.
Okay.
Ready?
Action!
ALL: Surprise!
Great, hold the look,
hold the look.
Good, good. Cross over here.
Cross over here.
Big hug!
Say something.
Who are you?
Okay, good. Cross over here.
Cross over here.
Good!
You are so surprised!
You’re happy,
You’re happy.
Choke back a tear
if you can.
Yeah, good, good.
Hi, Balki!
No. No, no, no.
Come on.
Cross back over here.
Cross back over here.
Cousin, cousin,
who, who are all these people?
They’re all your friends.
You love them so much.
Well, I recognize those two.
Good. Okay, now,
cross over here.
Cross over here.
Oh, and look who it is.
It’s Mr. Gorpley!
Big reaction!
Big reaction!
Big, big, big, big!
Okay, all right.
Mr. Gorpley,
is there anything
you’d like to say
to Balki’s mama?
Balki is a real swell guy.
What’s for dessert?
Terrific.
Okay, Balki, Balki.
Cross over here.
Wait a minute
I want to say thank you
to Mr. Gorpley‐‐
No, no, wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no.
You can do that
when we do the warm scene later.
Cross over here.
Come on, yeah...
Oh! And look who it is,
it’s Ms. Lydia from work.
Hi, Mrs. Bartokomous.
I’m Lydia Markham.
And I’m so happy and proud
to be here at this party
to honor
my best friend Bilki.
All of us
at the Chronicle love Bilki.
He’s such a joy to be around.
And Bilki
is such a hard worker.
Ms. Lydia?
Have you done something
different with your hair?
Do I have
another line here?
I mean,
is he supposed to say that?
Cousin, could I,
could I have a word with you?
Okay, Cut!
Hold your places, people.
I’m pretty sure,
that isn’t Ms. Lydia.
Of course it’s not
Ms. Lydia.
Ms. Lydia talks to her hand.
Your mama doesn’t
want to see that.
I got an actress
to play Lydia.
But Mama will think
that is Ms. Lydia.
So what? It happens
in the movies all the time.
They always get an actor
to play a real life person.
Oh, and I suppose
Crocodile Dundee
was some actor?
Balki, buddy,
Ms. Lydia wanted to be here.
She even wrote the words
the actress is saying,
but remember,
we are trying to capture
the essence of your life.
Yeah, but, but cousin‐‐
We’ll talk about it later.
Come on, we’re losing
the energy of the scene.
Okay, Jennifer, Mary Anne,
are you ready?
Jennifer, why don’t you start.
Okay, Balki, ready?
Action!
Mrs. Bartokomous, you must be
very proud of your son.
He’s kind and generous
and loving and I’m glad‐‐
LARRY: Cut!
Cousin, why you did stop her?
She was on a roll.
Jennifer, that doesn’t sound
like the script I gave you.
Well, Mary Anne
and I thought
it would be nicer
if we say
what we really feel.
I’m not paying you
to say what you feel.
You’re not paying us at all.
Okay, all right,
uh, ladies, uh...
Let me, let me explain
a basic fact of filmmaking.
I am the director.
You are the actresses.
My job is to tell you
what to do.
Your job is to do it.
Okay,
now let’s take it again.
I’m going to get him.
No, no, Jennifer, Jennifer.
Cousin, I need to talk to you
for a moment in the kitchen.
Balki, sit down,
let’s finish this up.
Cousin, now.
Okay, now.
Make it quick,
these people have to do
Fiddler on the Roof
in 20 minutes.
Cousin, you were rude
to Jennifer and Mary Anne.
Balki, buddy, babe,
a little spat
over creative differences.
We’ll make up
at the cast party.
Cousin, I agree with Jennifer.
Why you don’t let them
say what they feel
instead of what you
make up for them?
Balki, everyone has
to follow my script
if we’re going to capture
the essence of your life.
Cousin,
this film is becoming
a pain in my essence.
Now, now, now, first, you,
you bring in a lot of people
who I don’t even know.
And then you hire
an actress to play Ms. Lydia
and don’t think
I didn’t notice
the difference in height.
But, cousin, the straw that
broke Glen Campbell’s back...
Is that you wouldn’t let
Jennifer and Mary Anne
speak from their hearts.
This is not my life.
This is something
you are making up
and I don’t want
to do it anymore.
What?
Cousin, read my lips.
It’s over, finished,
kaputiki.
So what are you saying?
You’re off the picture.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
BALKI: (ON TV)
Mama, I would like you
to meet Jennifer.
This is
Cousin Larry’s girlfriend.
Balki, this is
a wonderful film.
Your mama will love it.
JENNIFER: (ON TV)
We all love Balki very much.
BALKI:
Mama, I want you to meet
someone really special to me,
my little lamb shank,
Mary Anne.
Okay, go.
Mrs. Bartokomous,
I just want to say
how glad I am
I met your son.
He has a very special place
in my heart.
Thank you so much
for letting him
come to America.
(BALKI CHUCKLING)
Whoa, whoa.
Bye.
Wow.
Well, Mama, um,
that about wraps it up.
I hope everyone’s having
a great time at the reunion.
Mama, I wish I could
be there with you.
You could tell me
everything that’s happened
since the last time
I was on Mypos.
I wish we could go walking
in your garden again.
We could go and,
and sit under the olive tree
and watch the sunset
and spit pits for distance.
Well, maybe I’ll see you
at the next reunion, okay?
Bye‐bye, Mama.
Oh, Balki,
that was beautiful.
Yeah, it was.
Oh, Larry, hi. Um...
Well, it’s getting late.
Uh, you two
probably want to talk.
Right.
We’ll come back
in the morning
and help you clean up.
You know, I don’t know what
Lydia’s been doing to herself,
but she sure looks fabulous.
I saw a little bit
of your, uh, film.
Looks good.
Thank you, cousin.
You know my only regret
is that I don’t
have my closest
and dearest friend
in the whole world in it
so that Mama
could meet him.
Well, I wish I could
have been in it.
Well, I still
have the camera.
Well, Mrs. Bartokomous,
everyone...
Uh... Uh...
Cousin,
just say what you feel.
They’re your family,
too. Go ahead.
I know you’re all sad
because Balki’s not there
and I know you miss him.
I, I know because,
uh, I’d miss him, too
if he weren’t here.
He’s my best friend.
And don’t worry
about him because
he’s doing fine
here in America.
I’ll look out for him.
Well, we, we look out
for each other.
I hope you’re having
a great reunion.
Bye‐bye, Mama.
Bye‐bye, Mama.
Aw, cousin,
that was very nice.
Now, can you take it again
and this time make it pop?
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)