Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 5, Episode 12 - Everybody in the Pool - full transcript
[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothin’ to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feelin’ ♪
♪ Like you need
some kinda change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna
stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ And a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standin’ tall ♪
♪ On the wings
of my dreams ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings
of my dreams ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze
are bound for better days ♪
♪ My life my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna
stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Cousin, hi.
I just hear the greatest joke
at night school.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Let me decompose myself.
Okay, listen to this.
I just drove in from LA
and, boy, are my arms tired.
No, no, no. I didn’t tell
that right. Wait a minute.
Balki, uh, I’d love to hear
a joke but I’m kinda busy.
Oh, cousin.
What? What you’re doing?
Well, I’m making my selections
for the football pool at work.
‐Football pool?
‐A football pool.
Well, feed me garlic
and call me stinky.
I didn’t even know
they had a pool at work
let alone one large enough
to play football in.
Balki, a football pool
is like a lottery.
For a dollar,
you pick the teams
you think you’re gonna
win on Sunday.
And whoever picks
the most winners, wins.
Ooh‐wow!
What does the winner who picks
the most winners
wind up winning?
Well, usually around $65.
Get out of the city!
Sixty five dollars?
I want to play.
Here’s my dollar.
‐What do I do next?
‐Well...
Just circle all the teams
you think are gonna win.
Uh, Balki, keep in mind
picking winning football teams
is very complicated.
If you have any
questions at all...
...don’t be afraid to ask.
Where do I turn this in?
Okay, no, no. No‐no,
that wasn’t it, that wasn’t it.
I got it now,
I got it.
I just took a Bosnian
from Denver
and boy
are my arms tired.
Wait a minute,
no, no, no.
‐That wasn’t it.
‐I didn’t think so.
Boy, comedy is tough.
Uh, Bartokomous.
I don’t know
how you did it
but you won
the football pool.
Balki won
the football pool?
Balki won the football pool?
Balki won
the football pool?
How much did he win?
Well, you
would have won $65
if it weren’t
for that darn immigrant rule.
Sam, give him his money
or I’ll print the letter
your ex‐wife wrote
to my advice column.
You‐you know, the one she signed
"short‐changed in Chicago."
Hey, I guess, we can waive
the rule this week.
Thank you,
Mr. Gorpley.
Lydia, I heard you got
three this week.
You getting outside help?
I’m gonna print
the letter anyway.
♪ Money makes
the world go around ♪
♪ The world go around ♪
♪ The world oh oh ♪
♪ Money makes
the world go around ♪
(Larry)
’Balki.’
You picked
all 13 winners.
How did you do that?
I don’t know.
It‐it must have been my‐my
sheepherder’s intuition.
Sheepherder’s intuition?
Yeah, cousin, now that I look
at it, it makes perfect sense.
Obviously, a bronco
can beat a colt.
And a‐a lion
could beat a Bengal.
After all, the lion
is king of the jungle.
And I took the bills
over the chargers
because no matter
how much you keep charging
sooner or later
you have to pay the bill.
Well, Balki, that’s certainly
a cute little system
but I wouldn’t plan on
you being lucky enough
to win
another pool with it.
Well, I’d rather have
a cute little system
than an empty
little wallet.
[instrumental music]
Appleton, here’s your pick sheet
for the football pool.
‐I’ll need one for Balki.
‐Why?
Isn’t winning the last five
weeks in a row enough for him?
Yeah, uh, hello, Tom?
Yeah, uh, this is Larry.
Yeah, uh, are, uh, are you
still betting with a bookie?
Well, could I have his name?
The Mole?
Is that a...family name?
Well, could you
give me his number?
’Cause I‐I wanna make
some football bets.
I’ve got a sure thing.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Okay, cousin,
I got it now.
Listen to this.
I just flew in from LA
and, boy, am I tired.
No, no, no, no,
it’s‐it’s missing something.
Balki, what‐what?
What happened to you?
Oh. Uh. Cousin.
This just isn’t my day.
I was, I was
in the press room
telling the guys how that
I won the football pool again
and they were just
slapping me on the back
and slapping me
on the front.
I guess they forgot
they had ink all on their hands.
Well, well, what’s all this,
uh, yellow and green stuff?
Oh, that would be
a Denver omelet.
I was in the cafeteria
telling Millie, the waitress
about how that I won
the football pool again
and she accidentally dropped
the omelet into my lap.
Hot out of the microwave.
Uh, Balki, here’s your entry
for the football pool.
Why don’t, why don’t you
fill it out?
I can’t, cousin.
Somebody accidentally broke
the points off all my pencils.
Okay, here, use mine.
Well, Balki, are you gonna
suck all the fun
out of this week’s
football pool?
Oh, no, I was just about
to make my picks.
Oh, may I borrow
your pencil?
Sure.
[clattering]
Sorry.
Wait a minute, cousin.
Everything is becoming
crystal light.
Every time the subject
of the football pool comes up
somebody has an accident
and it’s always me.
I think those two things
are connected.
No, they’re not.
Hey, what‐what do you think
of the Bears this week?
Cousin, listen to me
I think everyone is angry
with me for winning
the football pool
and maybe
I won’t play this week.
No, don’t...you can’t
quit now.
Why not?
Well, because you’ve
made a commitment
to play the football pool.
And‐and you’ve got to,
live up to that.
A commitment to who?
To who?
To‐to everyone
in the pool.
To the game itself.
To America, to everything
this country stands for.
Why don’t you just
burn the flag
while the law’s
still vague?
Cousin, I don’t want
to burn the flag.
I‐I just don’t want to play
the football pool anymore.
I don’t want people
to be angry with me.
Well, if you think
they’re angry now
just wait till you tell them
you’re quitting.
Well, cousin, what if
I explain to them that
if I quit they’ll have
a better chance of winning?
Well, Balki, no, they,
they don’t just want to win.
They want
to beat you.
Beat me?
With a stick?
Cousin, it’s just a game.
Don’t let them beat me.
No, no, no, no, no. They don’t
wanna beat you with a stick.
They want to beat you
in the pool.
I tried to tell you,
it was complicated
but you insisted on playing.
I’m afraid you’re stuck.
So, why don’t you just, uh,
make your, make your picks?
Cousin, I’ll‐I’ll,
I’ll make my picks later.
Right‐right now,
I got to...
...I got to go and get
the hash browns out of my pants.
Balki, what’s wrong?
Well, for the past five weeks
I’ve been playing
the football pool at work.
Yeah?
And for the past
five weeks, I’ve won.
Oh, that would
get anybody down.
Yeah.
Everybody is angry
with me for winning
and I, I wish I didn’t have
to play anymore.
Oh, why don’t
you just quit?
But I want to do
but Cousin Larry said
that‐that would only make
people angrier
because they don’t
just want to win
they want to beat me.
Well, why don’t you
just let them?
Well, well how I do that?
Well, just
pick all the losers.
That way
you’d still be playing
but somebody else
could win.
Mary Anne,
that’s brilliant.
Thanks, Balki.
You inspire me.
You know, uh...
...I’m perspiring
a little myself.
Hi, Balki, did you fill
out your football pool?
‐Hi, Larry.
‐Oh, hi, Mary Anne.
I didn’t see you.
Uh, we were just about
to go to the movies.
Oh, terrific!
Why don’t you fill out
your football pool
before you go? I’ll take it
to over to Mr. Gorpley.
Alright. Here it goes.
Oh.
[giggling]
Finished?
Good. Okay.
Well, you two
have a nice evening.
Don’t be out late now.
Bye‐bye.
‐Bye.
‐Bye‐bye.
Hello. Is this The Mole?
Yes, I...this‐this is
Larry Appleton.
Tom told me I should call.
Yes, I‐I want to bet
ten football games.
A $1,000 a game.
That’s right.
10,000 big ones.
[instrumental music]
(man on TV)
’And the Chiefs
beat the Jets, 45‐3.’
[cheering]
I did it! I did it.
I lost every game!
‐I’m so proud of you.
‐Oh.
Thank you, Mary Anne, it will be
so nice to go to work tomorrow
and not have
people throw food at me.
Why wasn’t Larry
here to watch the games?
Oh, he went
to the sports grill.
They have ten
television sets there
so you can watch
all the games at one time.
I bet he’s having
the time of his life.
Cousin, are you alright?
Mary Anne, could I talk
to, uh, Balki alone?
I don’t see why not.
Oh, now.
[chuckles]
Sure.
I gotta go anyway.
Bye, Balki.
Bye, Mary Anne.
Balki, do you realize
you‐you didn’t pick
one single winning team?
I know,
isn’t it wonderful?
‐How did you know?
‐I copied your picks.
Cousin, I’m
surprised at you.
You know
cheaters never win.
I know now.
How could you lose
every game?
Well, you know, cousin,
in a way...
...it was your idea.
See, you said that...
You‐you said that people
would be happy if they beat me
so I decided to pick
all the losers
and make
everybody happy.
Not everybody.
Balki...
...I used your picks
and bet $10,000
with a bookie.
You bet $10,000
with a librarian?
A bookie, a bookie...
...a bookie is someone who
takes bets on sporting events
and now I owe
this guy $10,000.
Oh, boy, boy...
Cousin, you know, on Mypos
we have one of them guys
Jimmy, the geek.
When you bet on the sheep races
and you don’t pay up
he shaves your head
and calls you baldy
in front
of your parents.
It’s ugly,
very ugly.
Well, Balki,
this is America.
Things are a little
different here.
When bookies aren’t paid
they have been known
to break legs.
Cousin, we, we can’t
let them do that.
I’m going
to call the police!
No! No, no, no, no.
Balki, Balki, Balki.
You‐you can’t call the police.
Cousin, we have to.
What they’re
going to do is illegal.
So is betting
with a bookie.
Cousin, how could
you do something
you know was illegal?
I don’t know, I did it.
It was stupid. I’m sorry.
But‐but‐but
what am I gonna do?
Balki, he knows my name.
He knows where I live.
He knows where
I keep my knees.
Oh, cousin.
What are you
going to do?
Well, there’s
only one thing I can do.
I’ll bet
another $10,000
on tomorrow night’s game.
Cousin, I don’t know
much about the game
but if they’ll break
your legs for $10,000...
...for 20,000,
they might break
something you really need.
Well, that’s not
gonna happen
because after you pick
tomorrow night’s winner...
...I’ll be even. Alright,
let’s see, who’s playing?
Now, wait just a minute.
Not so fast.
What? What‐what is it?
Cousin, the only way
I’m going
to go along with this
is if you promise to never
and I mean,
never, ever, ever
bet on
a football game again.
Balki, I promise never
and I mean, never,
ever, ever, ever
to bet on
a football game again.
And promise you’ll take me
to Disney World.
And I promise,
I’ll take you to... Balki...
Sorry, it was
worth a shot.
Okay, I’ll help you.
Alright, alright.
Now, do whatever
you need to do
to get your sheepherder’s
intuition to kick in.
Oh, I just need
to relax.
‐You need to relax?
‐Yeah.
Here, put your feet up.
Here. Pillow? Pillow?
Alright.
Anything else?
Uh, could you get me Dmitri?
Could you dim the lights?
Alright.
Alright, here we go.
Ready?
Alright.
The Packers and the Browns.
Who’s gonna win?
Browns, Packers
Browns or Packers,
Browns or Packers...
What are my choices again?
The Browns...
...or the Packers!
The Browns or the Packers!
I don’t know, cousin, I can’t do
it under this much pressure.
Alright, alright.
Relax, relax, relax.
Relax, relax.
There’s no pressure.
There’s no pressure.
It’s just...
...my life!
The Browns
or the Packers?
The Browns.
‐The Browns?
‐Yes.
‐The Browns?
‐The Browns.
Right, come on.
(man on TV)
’They still have a shot of
winning this game.’
’The Packers have
the ball throw on 25.’
’Salos back to pass.’
’Chased out of the pocket.’
’Going long intercepted
by the Browns!’
Yes! Yes!
Balki, all the Browns
have to do to win
is to run out
30 seconds on the clock.
[grunts]
[grunting]
Oh.
Balki, thank you.
I owe you my legs
and anything else
that might have been broken.
‐You’re welcome, cousin.
‐Hmm.
Boy, after that yelling,
I could use a soda.
‐You want one?
‐Sure. Love one.
(man on TV)
’There’s the snap.
He hands off to Taylor.’
‐’Taylor fumbles!’
‐Fumble?
(man on TV)
’It’s picked up by
the Packers at the 20.’
’He’s at the 30.
He’s at the 40.’
’It’s a foot race.’
‐He’s at the 50.
‐’He’s at the 50.’
He’s at the 40.
‐’The 40...’
‐Get him! Get him!
Hurt him!
(man on TV)
’He may go all the way.’
Get him!
Tackle him!
Kill him!
(man on TV)
’He’s at the 10...’
‐No.
‐’He’s down to the five.’
‐No.
‐’He’s down.’
(man on TV)
’He’s down on
the one‐yard line.’
Yes!
‐Is that a good thing?
‐No.
It’s a bad thing,
a very bad thing.
Balki, I’m leaving
the country.
(man on TV)
’Packers have time
for one last play.’
‐Oh, no.
‐’There’s the snap.’
(man on TV)
’Kenny Salo’s
back to pass.’
‐Get him. Get him!
‐Ow. Ow.
(man on TV)
’He scrambles right.’
[grunts]
Go for his knees!
Oh, God.
Go for his knees!
[groans]
‐’He scrambles left.’
‐Get him!
[groaning]
Get him!
Throw a cheerleader
at him!
(man on TV)
’Ooh! He’s hit hard.’
’He fumbles into the end zone!
There’s a pileup.’
’Whoever comes up with the ball
is going to be the winner.’
‐Who has the ball?
‐I don’t know.
(man on TV)
’They’re peeling off
the players.’
’The Browns
have the ball!’
’The Browns win!
The Browns win it.’
Yes! Yes! Balki!
Balki! Balki?
Balki, Balki,
I won. I won!
I’m even. I get
to keep my knees.
Oh, cousin!
Now we are so happy
we do the dance of joy.
[humming]
♪ Di di di di ♪
♪ Di di di
di di di ♪
(both)
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey.
[laughs]
Balki.
‐I have learned my lesson.
‐Hmm.
I will never bet
a football game again.
Well, cousin, that’s good.
Sports are for fun.
They shouldn’t be
life‐threatening.
You are
absolutely right.
Thanks for coming
to my rescue.
Hey, you’re welcome.
(man on TV)
’And next week,
I’ll be flying to Atlanta.’
’Boy, will my arms be tired.’
That’s it. Atlanta.
[theme music]
[theme music]
♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪
♪ Nothin’ to rearrange ♪
♪ Sometimes you just
get a feelin’ ♪
♪ Like you need
some kinda change ♪
♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna
stand in my way ♪
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
♪ And a long lost friend ♪
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
♪ Standin’ tall ♪
♪ On the wings
of my dreams ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ On the wings
of my dreams ♪
♪ The rain and thunder ♪
♪ The wind and haze
are bound for better days ♪
♪ My life my dream ♪
♪ Nothing’s gonna
stop me now ♪
[instrumental music]
Cousin, hi.
I just hear the greatest joke
at night school.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Let me decompose myself.
Okay, listen to this.
I just drove in from LA
and, boy, are my arms tired.
No, no, no. I didn’t tell
that right. Wait a minute.
Balki, uh, I’d love to hear
a joke but I’m kinda busy.
Oh, cousin.
What? What you’re doing?
Well, I’m making my selections
for the football pool at work.
‐Football pool?
‐A football pool.
Well, feed me garlic
and call me stinky.
I didn’t even know
they had a pool at work
let alone one large enough
to play football in.
Balki, a football pool
is like a lottery.
For a dollar,
you pick the teams
you think you’re gonna
win on Sunday.
And whoever picks
the most winners, wins.
Ooh‐wow!
What does the winner who picks
the most winners
wind up winning?
Well, usually around $65.
Get out of the city!
Sixty five dollars?
I want to play.
Here’s my dollar.
‐What do I do next?
‐Well...
Just circle all the teams
you think are gonna win.
Uh, Balki, keep in mind
picking winning football teams
is very complicated.
If you have any
questions at all...
...don’t be afraid to ask.
Where do I turn this in?
Okay, no, no. No‐no,
that wasn’t it, that wasn’t it.
I got it now,
I got it.
I just took a Bosnian
from Denver
and boy
are my arms tired.
Wait a minute,
no, no, no.
‐That wasn’t it.
‐I didn’t think so.
Boy, comedy is tough.
Uh, Bartokomous.
I don’t know
how you did it
but you won
the football pool.
Balki won
the football pool?
Balki won the football pool?
Balki won
the football pool?
How much did he win?
Well, you
would have won $65
if it weren’t
for that darn immigrant rule.
Sam, give him his money
or I’ll print the letter
your ex‐wife wrote
to my advice column.
You‐you know, the one she signed
"short‐changed in Chicago."
Hey, I guess, we can waive
the rule this week.
Thank you,
Mr. Gorpley.
Lydia, I heard you got
three this week.
You getting outside help?
I’m gonna print
the letter anyway.
♪ Money makes
the world go around ♪
♪ The world go around ♪
♪ The world oh oh ♪
♪ Money makes
the world go around ♪
(Larry)
’Balki.’
You picked
all 13 winners.
How did you do that?
I don’t know.
It‐it must have been my‐my
sheepherder’s intuition.
Sheepherder’s intuition?
Yeah, cousin, now that I look
at it, it makes perfect sense.
Obviously, a bronco
can beat a colt.
And a‐a lion
could beat a Bengal.
After all, the lion
is king of the jungle.
And I took the bills
over the chargers
because no matter
how much you keep charging
sooner or later
you have to pay the bill.
Well, Balki, that’s certainly
a cute little system
but I wouldn’t plan on
you being lucky enough
to win
another pool with it.
Well, I’d rather have
a cute little system
than an empty
little wallet.
[instrumental music]
Appleton, here’s your pick sheet
for the football pool.
‐I’ll need one for Balki.
‐Why?
Isn’t winning the last five
weeks in a row enough for him?
Yeah, uh, hello, Tom?
Yeah, uh, this is Larry.
Yeah, uh, are, uh, are you
still betting with a bookie?
Well, could I have his name?
The Mole?
Is that a...family name?
Well, could you
give me his number?
’Cause I‐I wanna make
some football bets.
I’ve got a sure thing.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Okay, cousin,
I got it now.
Listen to this.
I just flew in from LA
and, boy, am I tired.
No, no, no, no,
it’s‐it’s missing something.
Balki, what‐what?
What happened to you?
Oh. Uh. Cousin.
This just isn’t my day.
I was, I was
in the press room
telling the guys how that
I won the football pool again
and they were just
slapping me on the back
and slapping me
on the front.
I guess they forgot
they had ink all on their hands.
Well, well, what’s all this,
uh, yellow and green stuff?
Oh, that would be
a Denver omelet.
I was in the cafeteria
telling Millie, the waitress
about how that I won
the football pool again
and she accidentally dropped
the omelet into my lap.
Hot out of the microwave.
Uh, Balki, here’s your entry
for the football pool.
Why don’t, why don’t you
fill it out?
I can’t, cousin.
Somebody accidentally broke
the points off all my pencils.
Okay, here, use mine.
Well, Balki, are you gonna
suck all the fun
out of this week’s
football pool?
Oh, no, I was just about
to make my picks.
Oh, may I borrow
your pencil?
Sure.
[clattering]
Sorry.
Wait a minute, cousin.
Everything is becoming
crystal light.
Every time the subject
of the football pool comes up
somebody has an accident
and it’s always me.
I think those two things
are connected.
No, they’re not.
Hey, what‐what do you think
of the Bears this week?
Cousin, listen to me
I think everyone is angry
with me for winning
the football pool
and maybe
I won’t play this week.
No, don’t...you can’t
quit now.
Why not?
Well, because you’ve
made a commitment
to play the football pool.
And‐and you’ve got to,
live up to that.
A commitment to who?
To who?
To‐to everyone
in the pool.
To the game itself.
To America, to everything
this country stands for.
Why don’t you just
burn the flag
while the law’s
still vague?
Cousin, I don’t want
to burn the flag.
I‐I just don’t want to play
the football pool anymore.
I don’t want people
to be angry with me.
Well, if you think
they’re angry now
just wait till you tell them
you’re quitting.
Well, cousin, what if
I explain to them that
if I quit they’ll have
a better chance of winning?
Well, Balki, no, they,
they don’t just want to win.
They want
to beat you.
Beat me?
With a stick?
Cousin, it’s just a game.
Don’t let them beat me.
No, no, no, no, no. They don’t
wanna beat you with a stick.
They want to beat you
in the pool.
I tried to tell you,
it was complicated
but you insisted on playing.
I’m afraid you’re stuck.
So, why don’t you just, uh,
make your, make your picks?
Cousin, I’ll‐I’ll,
I’ll make my picks later.
Right‐right now,
I got to...
...I got to go and get
the hash browns out of my pants.
Balki, what’s wrong?
Well, for the past five weeks
I’ve been playing
the football pool at work.
Yeah?
And for the past
five weeks, I’ve won.
Oh, that would
get anybody down.
Yeah.
Everybody is angry
with me for winning
and I, I wish I didn’t have
to play anymore.
Oh, why don’t
you just quit?
But I want to do
but Cousin Larry said
that‐that would only make
people angrier
because they don’t
just want to win
they want to beat me.
Well, why don’t you
just let them?
Well, well how I do that?
Well, just
pick all the losers.
That way
you’d still be playing
but somebody else
could win.
Mary Anne,
that’s brilliant.
Thanks, Balki.
You inspire me.
You know, uh...
...I’m perspiring
a little myself.
Hi, Balki, did you fill
out your football pool?
‐Hi, Larry.
‐Oh, hi, Mary Anne.
I didn’t see you.
Uh, we were just about
to go to the movies.
Oh, terrific!
Why don’t you fill out
your football pool
before you go? I’ll take it
to over to Mr. Gorpley.
Alright. Here it goes.
Oh.
[giggling]
Finished?
Good. Okay.
Well, you two
have a nice evening.
Don’t be out late now.
Bye‐bye.
‐Bye.
‐Bye‐bye.
Hello. Is this The Mole?
Yes, I...this‐this is
Larry Appleton.
Tom told me I should call.
Yes, I‐I want to bet
ten football games.
A $1,000 a game.
That’s right.
10,000 big ones.
[instrumental music]
(man on TV)
’And the Chiefs
beat the Jets, 45‐3.’
[cheering]
I did it! I did it.
I lost every game!
‐I’m so proud of you.
‐Oh.
Thank you, Mary Anne, it will be
so nice to go to work tomorrow
and not have
people throw food at me.
Why wasn’t Larry
here to watch the games?
Oh, he went
to the sports grill.
They have ten
television sets there
so you can watch
all the games at one time.
I bet he’s having
the time of his life.
Cousin, are you alright?
Mary Anne, could I talk
to, uh, Balki alone?
I don’t see why not.
Oh, now.
[chuckles]
Sure.
I gotta go anyway.
Bye, Balki.
Bye, Mary Anne.
Balki, do you realize
you‐you didn’t pick
one single winning team?
I know,
isn’t it wonderful?
‐How did you know?
‐I copied your picks.
Cousin, I’m
surprised at you.
You know
cheaters never win.
I know now.
How could you lose
every game?
Well, you know, cousin,
in a way...
...it was your idea.
See, you said that...
You‐you said that people
would be happy if they beat me
so I decided to pick
all the losers
and make
everybody happy.
Not everybody.
Balki...
...I used your picks
and bet $10,000
with a bookie.
You bet $10,000
with a librarian?
A bookie, a bookie...
...a bookie is someone who
takes bets on sporting events
and now I owe
this guy $10,000.
Oh, boy, boy...
Cousin, you know, on Mypos
we have one of them guys
Jimmy, the geek.
When you bet on the sheep races
and you don’t pay up
he shaves your head
and calls you baldy
in front
of your parents.
It’s ugly,
very ugly.
Well, Balki,
this is America.
Things are a little
different here.
When bookies aren’t paid
they have been known
to break legs.
Cousin, we, we can’t
let them do that.
I’m going
to call the police!
No! No, no, no, no.
Balki, Balki, Balki.
You‐you can’t call the police.
Cousin, we have to.
What they’re
going to do is illegal.
So is betting
with a bookie.
Cousin, how could
you do something
you know was illegal?
I don’t know, I did it.
It was stupid. I’m sorry.
But‐but‐but
what am I gonna do?
Balki, he knows my name.
He knows where I live.
He knows where
I keep my knees.
Oh, cousin.
What are you
going to do?
Well, there’s
only one thing I can do.
I’ll bet
another $10,000
on tomorrow night’s game.
Cousin, I don’t know
much about the game
but if they’ll break
your legs for $10,000...
...for 20,000,
they might break
something you really need.
Well, that’s not
gonna happen
because after you pick
tomorrow night’s winner...
...I’ll be even. Alright,
let’s see, who’s playing?
Now, wait just a minute.
Not so fast.
What? What‐what is it?
Cousin, the only way
I’m going
to go along with this
is if you promise to never
and I mean,
never, ever, ever
bet on
a football game again.
Balki, I promise never
and I mean, never,
ever, ever, ever
to bet on
a football game again.
And promise you’ll take me
to Disney World.
And I promise,
I’ll take you to... Balki...
Sorry, it was
worth a shot.
Okay, I’ll help you.
Alright, alright.
Now, do whatever
you need to do
to get your sheepherder’s
intuition to kick in.
Oh, I just need
to relax.
‐You need to relax?
‐Yeah.
Here, put your feet up.
Here. Pillow? Pillow?
Alright.
Anything else?
Uh, could you get me Dmitri?
Could you dim the lights?
Alright.
Alright, here we go.
Ready?
Alright.
The Packers and the Browns.
Who’s gonna win?
Browns, Packers
Browns or Packers,
Browns or Packers...
What are my choices again?
The Browns...
...or the Packers!
The Browns or the Packers!
I don’t know, cousin, I can’t do
it under this much pressure.
Alright, alright.
Relax, relax, relax.
Relax, relax.
There’s no pressure.
There’s no pressure.
It’s just...
...my life!
The Browns
or the Packers?
The Browns.
‐The Browns?
‐Yes.
‐The Browns?
‐The Browns.
Right, come on.
(man on TV)
’They still have a shot of
winning this game.’
’The Packers have
the ball throw on 25.’
’Salos back to pass.’
’Chased out of the pocket.’
’Going long intercepted
by the Browns!’
Yes! Yes!
Balki, all the Browns
have to do to win
is to run out
30 seconds on the clock.
[grunts]
[grunting]
Oh.
Balki, thank you.
I owe you my legs
and anything else
that might have been broken.
‐You’re welcome, cousin.
‐Hmm.
Boy, after that yelling,
I could use a soda.
‐You want one?
‐Sure. Love one.
(man on TV)
’There’s the snap.
He hands off to Taylor.’
‐’Taylor fumbles!’
‐Fumble?
(man on TV)
’It’s picked up by
the Packers at the 20.’
’He’s at the 30.
He’s at the 40.’
’It’s a foot race.’
‐He’s at the 50.
‐’He’s at the 50.’
He’s at the 40.
‐’The 40...’
‐Get him! Get him!
Hurt him!
(man on TV)
’He may go all the way.’
Get him!
Tackle him!
Kill him!
(man on TV)
’He’s at the 10...’
‐No.
‐’He’s down to the five.’
‐No.
‐’He’s down.’
(man on TV)
’He’s down on
the one‐yard line.’
Yes!
‐Is that a good thing?
‐No.
It’s a bad thing,
a very bad thing.
Balki, I’m leaving
the country.
(man on TV)
’Packers have time
for one last play.’
‐Oh, no.
‐’There’s the snap.’
(man on TV)
’Kenny Salo’s
back to pass.’
‐Get him. Get him!
‐Ow. Ow.
(man on TV)
’He scrambles right.’
[grunts]
Go for his knees!
Oh, God.
Go for his knees!
[groans]
‐’He scrambles left.’
‐Get him!
[groaning]
Get him!
Throw a cheerleader
at him!
(man on TV)
’Ooh! He’s hit hard.’
’He fumbles into the end zone!
There’s a pileup.’
’Whoever comes up with the ball
is going to be the winner.’
‐Who has the ball?
‐I don’t know.
(man on TV)
’They’re peeling off
the players.’
’The Browns
have the ball!’
’The Browns win!
The Browns win it.’
Yes! Yes! Balki!
Balki! Balki?
Balki, Balki,
I won. I won!
I’m even. I get
to keep my knees.
Oh, cousin!
Now we are so happy
we do the dance of joy.
[humming]
♪ Di di di di ♪
♪ Di di di
di di di ♪
(both)
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey.
[laughs]
Balki.
‐I have learned my lesson.
‐Hmm.
I will never bet
a football game again.
Well, cousin, that’s good.
Sports are for fun.
They shouldn’t be
life‐threatening.
You are
absolutely right.
Thanks for coming
to my rescue.
Hey, you’re welcome.
(man on TV)
’And next week,
I’ll be flying to Atlanta.’
’Boy, will my arms be tired.’
That’s it. Atlanta.
[theme music]
[theme music]