Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 4, Episode 16 - The 'King' and I - full transcript

[David Pomeranz performing
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"]

♪ Sometimes the world looks
perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds
are this time ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stand
in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪



♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Through the rain and thunder
the wind and haze ♪

♪ I'm bound for better days ♪

♪ It's my life ♪

♪ And my dream ♪

♪ And nothing's
gonna stop me now ♪

♪ You can rock it
you can roll it ♪

♪ You can slop and you can
stroll it at the hop ♪

♪ When the record
starts spinnin' ♪

♪ You chalypso
when you chicken at the hop ♪

♪ Hop hop hop ♪

♪ Do the dance sensation
that is sweepin' the nation ♪



♪ At the hop ♪
♪ Hop hop hop ♪

‐ Nice hair.
‐ Nice hair.

Hi, guys! A '50s
party is a great idea.

‐ Thank you.
‐ Thank you.

[knock on door]

‐ Hi!
‐ Hi, Mary Anne.

Hi!

I'm sorry we're late.

I couldn't decide
what outfit to wear.

Well, uh, Mary Anne
I could be wrong

but that outfit doesn't look

like something from the '50s.

Oh, from the '50s.

I thought we were
supposed to dress

like we were in our fifties.

I spent about...twenty minutes
on it and just gave up.

Well, come on in.
Come on.

‐ Is it okay?
‐ Yes. No, it's beautiful.

Hi!

Oh, hi!

Lydia!

Oh. This is my friend,
Lamont Cassidy.

Oh, hi.

Lamont is a hypnotherapist.

Oh, really?
Then I need to talk to you.

Because I got some
problems with my hip.

I just don't know what it is.

Does this leg look
shorter to you? Because..

‐ Balki, Balki. Balki.
‐ You know the hip girdle..

‐ It's at a funny angle.
‐ No, no, no.

Not a hip therapist.

A hypnotherapist.

What that is?

Well, that's someone
who uses hypnosis

to put people to sleep

and make them act like...dogs
and barnyard animals.

Actually, I use hypnosis

to break people of certain
behavioral patterns

like smoking,
overeating...rudeness.

Lamont has successfully cured
migraines

back problems and a myriad
of sexual dysfunctions.

And that was just for Lydia.

Uh, uh, Mr. Cassidy,
could you show me

how that you make
people go to sleep

and then, and then,
eh, act like animals

because I haven't seen a really
good mongoose impression

since I left Mypos.

Oh, I don't know about‐‐

Oh, come on, Lamont.

You can hypnotize me.

You know how easy I am.

To hypnotize.
Hypnotize.

‐ Okay, sure.
‐ Oh, boy!

Everybody, everybody!

Mr. Cassidy is going
to hypnotize Lydia!

Okay, honey.

[laughing]

Here we go.

Now, Lydia,
concentrate on the watch.

Your eyes are tired.

'They're getting heavy.'

You can hardly keep..

[snoring]

Boy, she is easy.

Okay, now, Lydia,
when you hear a bell

you'll become Charo.

And you'll be Charo
until you hear the bell again.

Oh, I love Charo!

Especially when
he takes his sword

and makes the sign
of the "Z."

No. That's Zorro.

This is Charo.

‐ Oh, this is Charo!
‐ 'Yes.'

When I snap my fingers..

...you'll wake up.

Oh.

Oh, Lamont, I hope I didn't
do anything silly.

‐ No. Of course not.
‐ Oh, good!

Because, you know
as a nationally syndicated

advice columnist, I have
to maintain a certain amount..

[As Charo]
Coochi, coochi, coochi!

I am so happy to be here.

Could you lower the lights

and I do a little
number for you.

Arriba, Arriba! Arriba!

To maintain a certain
amount of professionalism.

You know, I have
a reputation to protect.

Okay, when I clap my hands,
you'll wake up

and you'll remember nothing
of what just happened.

[applause]

Oh. Thank you.
Thank you.

You didn't make me
do the rooster, did you?

No, no.

That was wonderful.

I don't believe it!

I want you, I want you
to do that to my Cousin Larry.

‐ Oh, no. No, no.
‐ Come on, cousin, please!

I don't think so.

There's no way
I could be hypnotized.

My will is too strong.

You might be surprised, Larry.

Okay. Alright.

Take your best shot.

Oh. Make him somebody famous.

[timer beeps]

Oh, uh, I'll get
the pizza rolls.

No, no, cousin, you stay here
and you let Mr. Cassidy

eh, hypnotize you.

I go get the pizza roll.

Remember to, uh,
concentrate on the watch.

‐ Your eyes are tired.
‐ Mm‐hmm.

'Your eyelids
are getting heavy.'

You can hardly keep them open.

'You're getting
very, very sleepy.'

You are falling
into a deep, deep sleep.

When you hear a bell..

...you'll think
that you're Elvis Presley

and you will be Elvis
until you hear that bell again.

Now, when I snap my fingers
...you'll wake up.

'Wow.'

What happened?
I‐I can't remember a thing.

[As Marlon Brando]
I could have been a contender.

'I could have been somebody'

'instead of a bum,
which is what I am.'

Wow! That's uncanny.

Wait a minute.
That‐that's not Elvis.

That's Marlon Brando.

Well, I don't do Elvis.

And I don't get
hypnotized either.

Well, Larry's proved his point.

Some people
can't get hypnotized.

They're too rigid.

Here I am. Thanks for waiting.

Go ahead, Mr. Cassidy.
Hypnotize Cousin Larry.

[telephone rings]

[As Elvis]
Graceland.

Uh, I'm sorry, ma'am.

We don't have any
Balki Bartokomous here.

How did you get this number?

Uh, who you talkin' to?

Well..

...folks call me The King.

Hold on.

Red! You wanna take care
of this one?

Pick up on three.

I'm gonna fry me a peanut butter
and banana sandwich.

[instrumental music]

Excuse me, mister.

Where have you been?

Well, uh..

...I've been to Memphis.

I've been to Nashville.

I guess I've been more places

than you can shake a stick at.

What are you talking..
What happened to your accent?

Well, uh, I've been
takin' actin' lessons.

The colonel wants me
to make another picture.

Look, uh,
I stopped by to return this.

I found it in my pant's pocket.

Well, of course you found
it in your pant's pocket.

‐ It's your wallet.
‐ No, sir. It's not mine.

It, uh, says it belongs
to a Balki Bartokomous.

It says on the identification
card that he works here.

Bad day to fool around.

Look, I've got to run
this up to the city desk

when I get back, I wanna take
a look at your tax return

and run over the numbers.

Alright, while you're gone

I'm gonna run over
a number of my own.

You do that.

One, two..

One, two, three, four..

Oh, good.
You're here for the rehearsal.

Okay.

I'll show you
how the number goes.

I stand up here like this
in front of my cell.

The music comes in,
and I start to go like this.

And then I come down
here like this.

Now, now,
don't‐don't worry now

because, uh,
I'm choreographin' this myself

and I want everyone
to have fun.

I want to work with you

but let's see
if we can get a little..

Little in your, in your knees
and in your hips, man.

You gotta just..

...just let out
what you're feelin'.

That's what music
is all about.

Come on, baby.

Burn me up this time.
Put a little fire into it.

Come on.

If you don't start
behaving like yourself

by the time I count to three

you're out of a job.

‐ One‐‐
‐ For the money.

‐ Two‐‐
‐ For the show.

[telephone rings]

Hi, Mr. Gorpley.

Where did you come from?

Minneapolis.

And it's really
none of your business.

[telephone rings]

Hello? Oh, no,
this is the basement.

Uh, complaints
is extension 6830.

Welcome.

‐ Thank you, Harriette.
‐ Alright, sweetie.

Alright. Balki, come on.

We gotta get to your tax audit.

We'll run over
your return in the car.

Cousin, I don't think
that's a good idea.

We might get
tire marks on it.

Get in the car.

Charlotte, send in my next
appointment.

‐ 'Hi.'
‐ Hi. I'm Balki Bartokomous.

And this is my Cousin Larry.

Uh, Ronald Yates.
I'll be your auditor.

Why don't you sit down
and we'll get started?

Well, thank you. This is a nice
place you got here.

So...green.

Did you, did you
decorate it yourself?

Uh, no. Uncle Sam
did that for me.

Really?
I have an Uncle Sam myself.

Actually his name is Salmonella

after the fish
and the jazz singer.

Balki, this is a,
this is a tax audit

not...this is your life.

[telephone ringing]

'Yates, speaking.'

'Yes, sir.'

I'll be right there.

Uh, will you excuse me
for a minute?

Yes.

Well, he seems like a nice guy.

Yeah. I think
I'll buy him a Cadillac.

What?

Buying Cadillac's for people
makes me feel good.

You want one?

‐ Will you stop that?
‐ Stop what?

Stop pretending to be somebody..

Who are you anyway?

Well, uh..

...folks, uh,
call me The King.

The king of what?

Man, that's‐that's cute.

I'll have to tell
that one to Priscilla

when I get back
to Graceland.

Oh, my lord.

You think you're Elvis.

Well, of course I do.

Don't be ridiculous.

You must have got hypnotized
at the party.

Oh, okay, alright.
Alright.

Alright. Snap out of it.

Snap out of it.

Uh, no offense, man

but you ain't got
no rhythm.

It goes like this.

♪ We're caught in a trap ♪

Alright, alright, alright!
What did Lamont do?

♪ I can't walk out ♪

He rang a little bell.
He rang a bell

♪ Because I love you
too much baby ♪

The phone! The phone!

♪ Why can't you see me ♪

♪ What you're doing to me ♪

♪ When you don't believe
a word I'm saying ♪

♪ We can't go.. ♪

[telephone rings]

Cousin.

You're acting
a little strange.

Balki?

Yes.

It's you.

‐ It worked.
‐ What worked?

‐ Okay.
‐ Did I‐did I pass my audit?

‐ No.
‐ Where did Mr. Yates go?

‐ Well, he‐‐
‐ Why am I so sweaty?

Uh, excuse the interruption.

I'm sorry.

Uh, look, I can see
you're very busy

so if you have questions
about the return

why don't you give us a call?

Come on, Balki‐‐

I have questions
about the return.

That's why you're here.

Cousin, what‐what are you doing?

You're acting very peculiar.

Very peculiar.

Charlotte, I'm expecting a call
from my wife any minute.

Would you pick‐up
when it rings?

Oh! Oh, gosh.

The glare from that window..

You, you mind
if I tilt the blinds?

What do you think
you're doing?

Oh, goodness.

How'd that happen?

How did that happen?

You walked over
and yanked it out‐‐

Balki, Balki.

What are you doing?

Just let Mr. Yates
finish the audit.

I'm sorry about the phone.

I was raised among the Amish.

Could everyone
just stay seated

while we get through this?

Now...Mr. Bartokomous.

How much did you
earn last year?

Well, uh, let me think.

[clock chimes]

Take it home, son. Jam!

[clock chimes]

Let me think.

Uh, must have been..

[clock chimes]

Ain't stoppin' now, baby.

‐ Ain't stoppin' now.
‐ Excuse me, sir.

Your income from last year?

Well, I have no idea.
The colonel has all my money.

And I'm the colonel.

Colonel Larry Appleton.

And this colonel can assure you
that this gentleman's income

was exactly what it says
on that tax return.

Could you let your friend
answer the questions?

Sir..
Mr. Bartokomous..

Uh, my name, uh
isn't Bartokomous.

It's, uh, Presley.

Elvis Aaron Presley.

Uh..

...maybe you get a lot
of Elvises in here I don't know.

So you know which one I am.

I'm gonna sing you a song.

♪ Well since my baby left me ♪

♪ Well I found
a new place to dwell ♪

♪ Well it's down at the end
of lonely street ♪

♪ At heartbreak hotel.. ♪

[knock on door]

Oh, good.

We got here
as fast as we could.

'How is he?'

Well, he's in his room
...being Elvis.

I got tired
of ringing the bell.

Well, I'll just have
to hypnotize him again

to remove the suggestion.

Alright. I'll get him.

Now, bear with me

because this
is the only thing

that he responds to.

Ladies and gentlemen..

...the grand showroom
of the Las Vegas Hilton..

...is proud to present..

...the one..

...the only..

...Elvis!

Thank you. You've been
a really fantastic audience.

A really beautiful audience.

The first picture I ever made
was called "Love Me Tender."

I'd like to sing it
for you now.

Balki, when I
snap my fingers

you'll fall asleep.

Now, wait a minute

I snapped my fingers
till I had blisters

and it didn't work for me.

Well, it's not just the snap.
It's also the sound of my voice.

Balki, when you
hear a bell

you will no longer
be Elvis.

Do you understand?

Well, of course I do.
Don't be ridiculous.

When I clap my hands,
you'll wake up

and you'll remember nothing

of what happened yesterday.

Lydia, Mr. Cassidy.
What are you doing here?

Um, we stopped by
to pick up my bell.

Oh. Oh.

Pretty.

Looks like he's okay.

Well, we have to be going.

Lamont is going
to hypnotize me

to help me get over
my fear of pompons.

Aah! Look, there's one now!

Aah! Aah!

[sobbing]

Why am I wearing
a sequined jumpsuit?

Balki, last night

when Lamont tried
to hypnotize me

you got hypnotized instead.

You thought you
were Elvis all day.

You made me take you shopping.

I didn't turn into Elvis
during the audit, did I?

Well, yes, yes, but it's okay.

Mr. Yates finally believed
you'd been hypnotized

but...not till after
you tried to hit the high note

in "You'll never walk alone."

Boy, I wish I could
have been there.

Balki, it's good
to have you back.

Thank you, cousin.

It's good to be back.

Even though I‐I don't know
where I'm back from.

Oh, would you believe that?

Lamont left
his little bell again.

♪ Since my baby left me ♪

♪ Well I found
a new place to dwell ♪

♪ Well.. ♪

Got you, cousin!

[theme music]