Perfect Strangers (1986–1993): Season 3, Episode 1 - All the News That Fits - full transcript

* Sometimes
the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just
get a feeling

* Like you need
some kinda change

* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

* This flame in my heart
like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street
a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream



* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* Nothing's gonna
stop me now *

Balki, you'll never guess
who I just had coffee with.

The mayor!

Well, I didn't actually
have coffee with him

this kinda thing
happens all the time.

Well, not all the time,
but a lot.

A whole lot.

Yeah, I can't believe it.

And now I'm working
for a major Chicago newspaper!

That's... That's nice.

Nice? It's terrific!



Balki, I'm the city editor's
right-hand man.

Well, not his
right-hand man exactly.

I mean, you know,
I just

run errands for him,
you know, but who cares?

I have my foot
in the door.

I'm finally on my way.

The sky's the limit.

Is that a hockey puck?

Yes, cousin.

It's a good thing
you weren't there.

and looked like a piggy bank.

The hockey game.

We were supposed to go
to the hockey game tonight.

I got you an Italian
beef sandwich.

With no peppers.

I know how they make
you puff up and turn red.

I'm so sorry.

I completely forgot.

You have every right
to be angry with me.

Oh, cousin, I'm not angry.
Oh, thank you.

I'm just lonely

and I guess, a little hurt.

Well, Balki--

I'm just lonely
and hurt

and I guess,
a little disappointed.

Well, Balki--
I'm just lonely and hurt.

Disappointed and...

Are you done?
Yes, I am.

Well, Balki--

All right, all right,
you're absolutely right.

And I won't let it
happen again.

I mean,
I'm happy for you.

You're out there
building your dream,

climbing every mountain,

fording every stream.

But I'm still
folding sweat shirts
for Mr. Twinkacetti.

And that's isn't enough
anymore, is it?

Balki, you know
what you need?

A reason to live?

Well, yeah, that.

You need to go out
and look for a new job

like I did.

There are
thousands of jobs

right here
in the newspaper.

Now, now... Why don't
you just take tomorrow off

and start looking around?

Will you come with me?
I gotta work.

Oh, I beg your pardon,
I forgot, you have a life.

All right, all right,
I'll tell you what.

Come down to the paper
at lunch tomorrow

and we'll plan your strategy.

Really?

Oh, thank you, cousin.

Yeah, you're welcome.

I'm sorry, I forgot
about the game.

Oh.
I'll make it up to you--

Oh.
And this looks great.

Oh.
I'm starving.

Yeah, you know, I...

I guess I was
a little upset.

I stuffed a lot of peppers
underneath your beef.

How are you today,
Mr. Feldman?

Not dead.

Okay, basement level!

Mailroom, storage,
archives, garage

and Appleton's desk.

Hi, baby.
Hi, Harriette.

Clark, you check on
the Russian ship at the pier.

See, if union lets him
unload that damn thing.

Applegate.
Ah, that's Appleton, sir.

Did you get
that list of the aldermen
that drive foreign cars?

Yes, sir.

Good job.

I'll get right
on it, sir.

Why is this mail
stacking up here?
What's going on?

Where's Gorpley?

Well, I think
he's in his office, sir.

You'd think that
the head of the mailroom

could at least
get the mail distributed.

Gorpley!

Cousin!
Balki!

Cousin, I'm sorry
I'm late.

This is the big building
I've ever seen.

Pretty impressive, huh?
Yes!

I've finally made it
to the big time.

Oh, you know what?

I ask everybody
in the building about you

and they never
heard of you.

Is this your office?

It's humongous!

the archives,
the storeroom.

And this...

...my office.

Oh, cousin,
congratulations!

You really stepped in
something good this time.

Oh, I went down
to classifieds

and I picked up a copy
of the want ads

before they
hit the streets.

Wow!

Insider trading.

Gorpley, why? Why is
all this mail here?

This is
the mailroom, sir.

Are you gonna let a great
metropolitan newspaper

grind to a halt

No, I'm hiring someone, sir.

Well, I need someone
in this mailroom today.

It's down the hall
next to the water fountain.

I start today.

Start what?
I need a job.

What's your name?

I have no idea.

This is, uh,
Balki Bartokomous, sir.

I can vouch for him.

He's trustworthy,
hardworking, honest--

What kind of a car
does the governor drive?

Uh, I don't know, sir.

Do you think you can get
that information for me today?

Do you need a dime?
What is it?

No, I'll get
right on it, sir.

You need a job?

Oh, thank you!

Gorpley will
show you around.

Uh...

I have to go now.

It's right down the hall
next to the water fountain.

Myers! Did you
finish that column?

Balki, you got the job!

Cousin, isn't it wonderful?
We'll be working together.

Now we're so happy,
we do the dance of joy!

Oh, I get it.

"Cousin." I see,
it's all falling into place.

What's falling into place?

Can you say, "nepotism"?

Nepotism?
He asked me!

You get a job working
for the city editor.

Well, your family may have
gotten you in here

but I decide
if you stay.

Wait a minute.

Aren't you going
to teach me

the tricks
of the trade?

Figure them out
for yourself.

Well, Mr. Gorpley must have
a lot of confidence in me.

Excuse me, the only thing
Gorpley's got

is a nephew
who needs a job

and you just took it.

Now, listen here.

You'd better be careful.

One mistake,
and you gone.

Oh, thank you. Thank you
for the warning, Mrs...

Oh, I'm sorry, uh,

Nice to meet you.
How do you do?

Harriette runs
the elevator here.

Oh!

Well, your job must have
its ups and downs.

Is this elevator
going up?

No, this week
it's going sideways.

Come on, Balki.
She's got work to do.

Hang on.

Don't do that, baby.

Okay, buddy.

Balki.

Let's see
if you're qualified

to work in a mailroom.

I want you to sort this mail
according to zip codes.

Hey, you wanna quit?

No, no, no!

I want to do
the best job I can.

You know,
what I think?

Oh, well, thank you
for the vote of confidence.

I think we better wait
till I've earned it.

* Return to sender

* No such number

* No such zone

* Return to sender *

Balki.

Balki, look busy.
Gorpley's coming.

Look busy? I've been
busy since 4:00 a.m.

All right, Balki,
watch yourself.

Be careful.

Gorpley told his secretary

Oh!

Point well taken, cousin.

Do you think he means me?

I think so.

Hang in there.
You can beat this guy.

Okay.

Bartokomous!

Well, you look like
you've got time to kill.

Come here.

Come...here.

I volunteered you

to address the company
Christmas cards

by hand.

And I need them
this afternoon.

Uh, excuse me, uh...

Isn't it a little early
for Christmas cards?

I want to avoid
the holiday rush.

Merry Christmas.
Oh, well.

Thank you very much.

Merry Christmas
to you, too.

I don't know why everybody
calls you a slime bucket.

Applebaum!

I'm kinda short handed

There's a bunch of kids
at the Kedzie Youth center

that are staging
a demonstration.

Somebody wants to pave over
their ball park

and build a parking lot.

I want you to check it out.
Yes, sir.

Pictures?
I don't need pictures.

I need a story.

Well, that's true, sir.
But my principle field
is photography.

I have my own camera,
my own lenses, my own film.

Now you've got
your own pencil.

You can write,
can't you?

Write You bet.

Yes, I write constantly.
I'm a writing fool.

Tomorrow morning?

We're a daily newspaper.

I need it by 4:30 today.

Myers! I need that column!
I saw you, Myers.

Cousin, I didn't know
you could write.

Of course, I can, I studied
journalism in college.

I know the five "W's"
of reporting.

Who, what, how, when, how...
No, how's an "H."

How, who,

what, who, who, who...

Boy, I'm in trouble.

I finished.

I finished
400 Christmas cards.

Who am I
trying to kid?

I'm not a reporter.
I'm a...litterbug.

Cousin, no, no, you're being
too hard on yourself.

Cop a mellow attitude.

Now, you know, this looks
pretty good to me.

"Pretty good"?

Pretty good,
do you think that's what

I wanna hear from Mr. Burns

Appleton.

I know my name!

This is for
the Chicago Chronicle.

If it's not great,
I won't get a second chance.

You finished?
Yes, yes, yes.

I'm finished.

This is all of 'em?

but I thought that I would
alphabeticalize them.

That okay?

You think you're
pretty smart, don't you?

Well, I'm no
Sam Donaldson but, uh...

We'll see
how smart you are.

I need 100 copies
of this flyer.

You've got ten minutes.

Hey, relax,
I'm looking out for ya.

See, I even got your stencil
all ready to go.

Ten minutes, Bartokomous.

Balki, you need help
with the mimeograph machine?

Oh, no, no, cousin.
Good.

Just...point it out to me.

Oh.

Back here, look here,
just wheel it out
to your table

and I'll plug it in.

All right.

LARRY: All right.
Get the stencil.

Okay.
All right.

Okay, get the paper.

Paper.
Okay, stencil's on.

Paper goes in here.

And you turn it on here.

Get it?
Got it.

Good.

How's it going, Balki?
Oh, it's going fine.

Just, just dandy.

You just
finish your article.

Balki.
No, no.

No problem. No problem.
It goes in here.

Appleby.
Uh, yes, sir?

I need that article
in five minutes.

Yes, sir. Appleton, sir.
Appleton.

All right.
Cousin, no.

Do this,
it'll just take a minute.

It'll be easier
if I can look at it, here.

All right, look, see,
here's the problem.

You've got all these papers
jammed under the drum.

Here, all right.

All right.
Oh.

Get the basket.

The basket?
The paper basket.

The paper basket.

I got it.

Balki!

Cousin. Cousin

It's alive!

And it's hungry!

I, uh...

I can't!

Oh! Cousin.

Balki!
What?

Balki, the plug.
What

The plug, the plug, the plug--
The plug?

The plug, Balki.

The plug!

Ow. Ow.

I did it!

Oh.

Appleman.
Ooh!

Where is the story?

Mr. Burns,
something came up.

And I still have
a bit of polishing to do.

This is... This is news,
not silverware!

I need a story.

Mr. Burns,
it was my fault.

I accidently
threw his article away

but I just found it.

If I could just
have a, have a--

It's pretty good.

I'd say
for your first assignment,
it's pretty good.

Yeah.

See you on Monday, Appleton.

Then maybe
you could explain to me

Balki, did you hear that?
Oh.

Yes, he got
your name right!

No, no.

Not that.

He said I did
a great job.

Well, but he actually said
was pretty good.

Yeah.
Which if you remember,

I also said "pretty good."
Yeah, right.

Gorpley, uh, could I talk
to you for just a second?

No.
Uh, Mr. Gorpley.

You have got
a gold mine here.

Just look at him.

You'll never find anyone
who will work this hard
as he will.

How can you fire
a man like that?

Mr. Gorpley,
I have only 19 flyers.

I have failed you.

Yes, you have.
You're fired.

See how easy it was?

Well, you're not
gonna get away with that.

Balki's done everything
you asked him to.

You have no right
to fire him.

Excuse me, sugar, you're going
by this the wrong way.

Gorpley...

I was gonna save this
for something big,

but I like the kid.

Now, either he stays
or I tell your wife

what you were doing
with Miss Passarelli

in my elevator
during the Christmas party.

I don't know,
what you're talking about?

Can you say, "Alimony"?

Hey, I like the kid, too.

You can stay. You can finish
those flyers next week.

Thank you.

Thank you, Harriette.

Well, I figured someone
had to look after you.

Congratulations, Balki.

You're gonna be here
next week.

Well, we both be here
next week.

I was here last week.

All right, let's see
what Larry Appleton has to say

about the protest
at the Kedzie Youth Center.

"Students at the Kedzie--"

Let me read it.

"Students at
the Kedzie Youth Center

"staged a demonstration

"to protest the building
of a parking lot

"over their ball field.

"promised to meet
with the students

"to discuss
their grievances."

That was beautiful.

Well, it never even would
have made it into the paper

if you hadn't fished it
out of the trash.

Oh, cousin, that's okay.

You helped me with my work
when you were on that deadline.

LARRY: No, I just saw
you were in trouble.

But you risked
your job for me.

Ah, it was instinct.

You know, Balki.

I think working together
at the newspaper
is gonna be great.

Oh, I do, too.

Cousin, your first
newspaper article.

Hmm.

Your first of many.

And you know what?

But not for
a long, long time.