Perfect Harmony (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Hunting Season - full transcript

[choir sings "Ave Maria"]

♪ ♪

- Stop!

Tenors, I need more volume.

I can't hear you over the sound

of Franz Schubert thrashing
and wailing in his grave.

Franz Schubert is the composer
of "Ave Maria."

And he's angry.

because you suck...

- Oh.
- Oh, I get it!

- Sick burn!



- If my name was Franz,
I'd want to be dead, too.

- Excuse me.

I think we sound good.

- Ha, "good"!

The lonely chubby stepsister
of "great."

If we're gonna qualify
for state,

"good" is not gonna cut it.

I'm calling an emergency
rehearsal for tomorrow.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Tomorrow?

- No can do, Artie-poo.

- Don't ever call me that.
Why not?

- Because tomorrow is the first
day of deer-hunting season.

- It's sort of a unofficial
holiday in Kentucky.

Everything shuts down,
even the schools.



- And this is the first year

Cash is old enough
to come with me.

It's a classic rite of passage
where a boy becomes a man.

Or as you may call it,
a bar mitzvah.

- I'm not Jewish.

- Wait, bar mitzvah's
a Jewish thing?

[laughs]

I always thought
it was a New York thing.

- Normally I have a year
to prepare

for a major competition.

I will not be embarrassed.

So you can kill your woodland
creatures after the Regionals.

- No.

- No?
- No.

- Are you questioning
my authority?

- I'm denying its existence.

You have no leverage over me.

I'm a volunteer,

not some neurotic student who
signed up for freshman choir

because I need
the approval of Angry Santa.

[laughter]
- Angry Santa. That's you.

- Where are you going?

Rehearsal is not over
until I say it's over.

- Oh, no!

Dr. Cochran's mad at me.

If I get kicked
out of glee club,

I might have time
to lose my virginity.

[hoots and laughter]

- I think of you more
as an angry Wolf Blitzer.

- Okay, rehearsal's over.

- Awesome, thanks.

[bright folk music]

- ♪ Hallelujah,
thine the glory ♪

♪ Revive us again ♪

♪ ♪

- Okay, this is gonna help
your dyslexia.

Just use your finger
and write a word in the sand.

- Any word?

- Nothing that starts
with an F.

Or an S.

You know what?
Just write "butt."

- Do I have to do this, Mom?

Dad says no one listens
to Angry Santa.

- Cash!

- It's not my fault Adams
hit Arthur with a sick burn.

- It doesn't matter
how sick the burn was,

Dr. Cochran is helping you,
so you better do what he says.

- This is how it starts.

One singer disrespects you,
it spreads through the choir.

Next thing you know,

you're taking flak from
a booger-eating ten-year-old.

- 11-year-old.
- Do your work.

- Oh, uh, Ginny,
I hate to be a bother,

but I placed my order
20 minutes ago,

and I know it doesn't take
that long to warm milk.

- Sorry, I'm just worried
about Arthur and Adams.

- Oh, yes.

That was quite a showdown.
[chuckles]

Like, Helen Hunt versus
the tornado in that film,

"Don't Make God Angry,
or He'll Throw a Cow at You."

- I just--I can't afford
to have Adams run him off.

Tutors cost 50 bucks
an hour,

and I pay him
in day-old biscuits.

- Is she the only waitress
working tonight?

- Look at you, working hard!

That's nice.

Hey, you know what else
would be nice?

You going easy on Arthur
so he doesn't quit.

I don't know, just a thought.

- Please.

That man thinks he can
come into this town

and push me around?

[chuckles]

I did not get the cover of

"Bluegrass
Businesswoman Magazine"

by being a pushover.

- I thought it was
because you owned it.

- I did. I also own this diner
and the bourbon distillery.

- Yes, you are very
important---

- Important?

[scoffs]

[laughing]

I am a pillar
of this community.

But that egomaniac is too busy

throwing his résumé in my face
to pay me my due respect.

- You know what's funny?

You two actually
have more in common than--

[tense fiddle notes]

You like respect, got it.

[chuckles awkwardly]

[awkward fiddle music]

Look at you, helping my son
overcome his challenges!

That's nice!

You know what else
would be nice?

You showing Adams some respect.

I don't know, just a thought.

- [snorts]

That was a snort.
Of derision.

- I'm just saying,

show some appreciation
for her accomplishments.

Ooh, I know!

Get her to sign a cover

of "Bluegrass Businesswoman
Magazine" for ya!

- Adams is like the toughest
guy in the prison yard.

You don't go up to that guy
and ask him for an autograph.

You punch him in the face.

- With a...

fist full of respect?

- You know, when I was
teaching at Princeton--

- Mm, I was wondering when
you were gonna work that in.

- I had a problem with
the president of Princeton.

- Mm.
- The Princeton president.

- I'm sorry, where?
- Princeton, New Jersey.

- I can't hear you.

- Princeton?
- I never heard of it.

- Anyway, I invited him
on a quail hunt.

I totally outshot him,

and I never had a problem
with him again,

and that is exactly what I'm
gonna do with Adams tomorrow.

- You know, it's one thing
to shoot birds with some nerd,

but Adams was on the cover of
"Kentucky Huntress" magazine,

and she doesn't own that one!

[bell dings]
[sighs]

This is gonna be a disaster.

- I--

Who do I need
to bless around here

to get a glass of warm milk?

["Battle Hymn of the Republic"
playing]

♪ ♪

choir: ♪ Mine eyes have seen
the glory ♪

♪ Of the coming of the Lord ♪

♪ He is trampling out
the vintage ♪

♪ Where the grapes of wrath
are stored ♪

♪ He hath loosed
the fateful lightning ♪

♪ Of His terrible
swift sword ♪

♪ His truth ♪

♪ Is marching on ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Glory, glory, Hallelujah ♪

♪ His truth is marching on ♪

[all humming]

- Lord, please protect
our hunters today.

May their sights be straight
and their aim be true.

And may all the hunters
return to us safely.

Amen.

all:
♪ His truth is marching ♪

♪ On ♪

- Whoo-whee!
What a day to be a man, yeah!

We are gonna pee outside

and scratch ourselves and burp
and fart wherever we want.

- You're a lucky woman, Ginny.

- Oh, actually,
we're getting divorced.

- [whispering]
That's what I meant.

- Hey, son, do you realize that
you are the seventh generation

of Hawlings men
to hunt in these woods?

Check this out.

That's me when I was your age

with my daddy
and my first kill.

- Did you get many likes?

How did you get this picture
off your phone

and on this raggedy piece
of paper?

- Magic, son.

Magic.

- Sorry I'm late.

- Oh, looking snazzy, Arthur,

like a distinguished
Elmer Fudd.

- What is he doing here?
- I'm going hunting with you.

She didn't tell you
I was coming?

- You didn't tell me
he was coming.

- Surprise.

Isn't it great?
It's gonna be great.

You guys get to spend
some time together

and get to know
each other better,

and, plus, I hear Arthur's
a really good hunter.

- No, I am an excellent hunter.
[others yelp]

- Put the gun down, jackass.
It's bow-hunting season.

And don't you dare
get in my way.

That's how people get hurt,
accidentally or otherwise.

- It's gonna be great!
[chuckles awkwardly]

.

- Remember
what I told you, son.

It's just like that game
"Big Buck Hunter,"

except now you got a bow
and there's better graphics,

and we're bonding
in the woods...

instead of a bar.

- Cool dog.
What's his name?

- Name's Boone.

He's gonna help me find
a special kind of mushroom

that grows underground
called a truffle.

- Wait, you're not hunting deer
like us?

- No, no, I don't believe
in killing any living creature,

especially something

as beautiful and majestic
as a deer.

- [clears throat]

- Oh, uh, but I do believe

in spending time
in the beautiful Kentucky woods

with my best friend.

- Yep, there's no one else
I'd rather be out here with.

Except for Dale Earnhardt Jr.

I think that dude would be
such a cool hang.

- Ooh.
[clears throat]

- Now, you sure you know
how to use one of these?

- Yeah, how hard can it be?

Right, right, right, right.
Got it.

- I liked his way better.

- You know, Adams is
a really great hunter.

Maybe she could give you
a few pointers.

- Does he strike you
as the type of man

that likes to have a woman
explain things to him?

- I don't mind, if the woman
has the proper credentials.

- You want credentials?

I was Miss Pulaski County,
19... [mumbles]

And my talent was hitting
ten bull's-eyes in a row

while singing
"America the Beautiful"

in an evening gown.

♪ Oh, beautiful ♪

♪ For spacious skies ♪

- What are you doing?

- Uh, singing helps me focus.

♪ For amber waves of grain ♪

- [sings higher]
♪ Grain ♪

- [sings higher]
♪ Grain ♪

♪ That's what I'm singing ♪

- ♪ No, it's not, you're flat ♪

♪ And never question
my perfect pitch ♪

- ♪ Go [bleep] yourself ♪

[truck door closes]

- Time to head out, son.

You're entering these woods
a boy and coming out a man...

just like Mulan.

- Uncle Dwayne,
I think Boone found a truffle!

- Well, I got my truffle shovel
right here.

- Hey, Cash, hey!

Stop messing around.

Deer hunting
is serious business.

Step one--

we mask our scent
with deer urine.

The trick is to spray it
into the air...

and just walk
through the cloud.

[sniffs]

Yeah, that's nature's cologne.

[upbeat folk music]

[birds chirping]

- So here's a fun one.

What is your least favorite
album from your favorite band?

- Shh, shh, shh.

You'll scare off the deer.

- It's not sound that
scares them off, it's scent.

- Mine is "Dig In Deep"
by Miss Bonnie Raitt.

- Let's hope
they don't catch a whiff

of your overpowering
male arrogance.

- [inhales sharply]
- Stand down, Cochran.

This one's mine.

[suspenseful folk music]

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, beautiful ♪

♪ For spacious skies ♪

[changing pitch]
♪ Sky--sky--sky--sky ♪

Oh!

Damn it!

You got in my head.
- Well, obviously not.

If I was in your head,

you would've known
how to hit that C-sharp.

♪ ♪

- Yeah, boy.
What a beaut.

All right, son.

This is your moment.

Pull it back and let it rip.

Or as our neighbor
Big Pat says

about our Christmas lights
in April...

take 'er down.

- I can't do it.

- Huh?

What?

Why not?

- Like Uncle Dwayne said,

why would you kill
a beautiful animal?

- Because the ugly ones
don't taste as good.

- But it's not fun
to hurt a living creature.

And Uncle Dwayne said
the only thing a truffle hurts

is your wallet when you're
trying to impress a date.

- [chuckles]
I did say that.

That's a fun one.

- What the hell, man?

- I merely explained

the benefits of gathering
versus hunting.

- There's three things
every man should know--

how to hunt,
how to make a fire,

and how to pretend
he didn't notice

a Whitney Houston song
just came on.

You think a boy like Cash
is ready to process

"I Will Always Love You"?

- Just living my truth.

But I'm sorry
if that interferes

with what you're trying
to teach your boy.

- You're setting
a bad example for Cash.

Cash? Cash?

Hey!

Cash!
[whistles]

I know I say this a lot, but...

Ginny's not gonna like this.

- First the choir, now hunting?

Congratulations, you've ruined
two things I love.

- Come on, give me a third.
I'll go for the hat trick.

- Okay, I'm sensing
a lot of mutual...

respect here.

- I'm gonna go
retrieve my arrow.

And when I get back,
I want you gone!

- [laughs]
You can't make me go!

You don't own the woods.

- Uh...

just everything
the light touches

and the mineral rights
below it.

Yeah, I own the woods.

- [grunts, yelping]

[shouts]

- Oh, look,
a Yankee piñata.

- And it's filled
with crushed nuts.

.

- You know, on the way home
we could swing by Arthur's.

It's never too late
to mend fences.

- I am not apologizing.

That man ruined my streak.

I have bagged a buck
on opening day every year

since 19...
[mumbles]

- Wait.

What's Arthur's car
still doing here?

He left an hour ago.

- Damn it.

That big-city bastard
went and got himself lost.

[sighs]

- Arthur!

♪ ♪

- [sarcastically]
Arthur.

- Arthur!
- Arthur?

- Don't shoot!

I'm not a deer.
I'm a choral conductor.

I'm just a little lost.

But I-I have friends nearby.

- Over here.

- Thank God.

You know where they are?
- I have no idea.

- You're lost, too?

- Well, Reverend Jax says

you're never lost
if you have God in your heart.

- So we're lost.
- Yeah.

- Cash!
- Cash, hey!

Where are you, son?
Come on, buddy!

Cash!

Damn it!

You ruined my first
hunting trip with my son.

I'm his dad.

I'm supposed to be the one
teaching him how to be a man!

- But there are many ways
to express your masculinity.

- Like my fist in your face.

Let's go.

Come on.
Huh?

Playground rules--

no pantsing, no wedgies,
no purple nurples.

All right?

Now get on your knees
so it's a fair fight.

Come on!

[grunting]

- Can we stop?
I'm tired.

- Uh, why not?

By the way,
how did you get lost?

I thought you were
with your dad.

- I was, but I left

when Uncle Dwayne and him
got in a fight.

- [chuckles]
I can guess who won that one.

I also got in a fight today
with Adams.

- I can guess who won that one.
- Actually, she did.

- Yeah.
That was my guess.

- What?
She's tough.

I've never had a singer
I couldn't get to fall in line.

- Do you want me to put in
a good word for you?

These dimples buy
a lot of goodwill.

- Nah.

Maybe.

- Arthur!

Arthur!

We got to find him.
- Do we?

A night in the woods
changes a man,

and God knows
he can't get any worse.

- Okay.

Now, I say this with love
and a little bit of fear,

but the way you've been
acting lately,

you should be on the cover
of "Bluegrass Bitch" magazine!

[gasps]

- Excuse you?

And excuse me
for trying to protect you

from a disrespectful blowhard
who only cares about himself.

- Now, that's not true.
He's real good with Cash.

- Of course he is!

Only a monster could resist
those dimples.

- [chuckles]
Well...

- And I know you were
taking a shot at me,

but I think there could be

a real market
for "Bluegrass Bitch."

Merchandise.

Ball caps, theme song.

- Arthur!

- Come on, man.

You're not mad at me.

You mad at that prison
that is toxic masculinity.

- [voice cracks]
Shut up!

Your gentle-giant mumbo-jumbo
is no match

for my crazed
adrenaline strength.

[screams]

[up-tempo bluegrass music]

What was that?

- I took an online course
in aikido,

the Japanese art
of self-defense.

I learned how to blend
with your attack...

- [grunts]

- And contain
your macho energy.

- [gurgles and shouts]

- Feels good, doesn't it?
- No!

- They say for happiness,

a person needs
about 12 hugs a day, mm-hmm.

- Really?

No! I will not give in to
your strong, reassuring warmth.

[straining]

[moans]

- There it is.

- Man...
[pants]

I just wanted
this trip to go well.

[pants]

I already...

failed Ginny as a husband.

I can't fail Cash, too.

- You know, I don't have kids
of my own, but...

I know that being great dad

means allowing your children
to follow their own path.

You know
who I learned that from?

- Mr. Rogers?

- You.
- Yeah?

- You know,
my dad never got me.

Always picked on me
because I wouldn't hunt,

play football, or fight.

You were the only person
who accepted me.

[soft folk music]

And I know you can
do the same for Cash.

♪ ♪

- Thanks, man.

- Anytime, buddy.

- Guys?

What's going on?

- Progress, Ginny.

Progress.

- Where's Cash?

- Oh, yeah, uh, well,
we kind of lost him,

but, uh, we searched all over--
- You lost Cash?

What the crap, Wayne?

Cash!

- Cash!
- Cash!

- Cash!

- Yep, I told you she
wasn't going to like that.

- Yeah, at least
it'll be easier

than that time
you lost him in a corn maze.

- Yeah, that was a long
Labor Day weekend.

- Maybe this is a sign
I should move back to New York.

At least there,
somebody would've found us

and mugged us by now.

Hey, Huckleberry Finn.

Careful where
you're poking your stick.

There might be something
living in there.

- Yeah, like a truffle!

Uh, truffles don't move,
do they?

- Cash, get back!
It might be a snake!

Oh.

- Cash!
- Come on out, buddy!

- Cash!
- Cash!

[distant high-pitched scream]

.

- Oh, my God, Cash!

Honey, are you okay?

- Yeah, we heard a scream.

- That wasn't me.

- [high-pitched yelping]

- Yeah,
look who's the soprano now.

- It's called a head voice.

- I was poking my stick
at an animal,

and it got mad,
but Arthur protected me.

- What kind of an--

Oh, good Lord, that's a skunk.

Ooh, let's get

the H-E-double-hockey-sticks
out of here.

- It got me in the--
in the eyes.

- It's not as bad as it seems.

it's just an oily compound they
spray from their anal glands.

- Which--what?

[laid-back folk music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, how's that stew coming?

I'm sorry no one
killed a deer today.

Actually, I love deer,

and I don't wish
to see them harmed,

so in the words of
the great Demi Lovato,

"Sorry, not sorry."

- The men are back
from hunting...

- Ooh.
- And we bring you...

both:
Mushrooms!

- Which aren't as fancy
as truffles,

but they're easier to find.

- I am so proud of you, baby!
- That boy's a natural.

- Hey, Ginny, get a picture.

I want to commemorate
our first hunt together.

- Oh, first of many, I bet.

- Say "truffles."
both: Truffles!

- All right, Dwayne.

Clean 'em up, and let's
throw 'em in that stew.

- Uh, okay.

Edible...

poisonous...

extremely hallucinogenic.

Okay...

[mysterious music]

- You know, I've performed
baptisms in that tub,

and tomato juice
is mostly water,

so if you wanted to convert--

- Get away from me.

- Not the right time.
I completely understand.

- Are you here to gloat?

- No, I'm bringing
a peace offering.

Vodka to go
with your tomato juice.

I call it a "Bloody Arthur."

- Feels like gloating.

- I still think
you're arrogant and rude,

unnecessarily pretentious,

couldn't hit a deer
with your car.

- I'm waiting for a "but."

- You're always
interrupting people.

However...

you're good for Cash,
and who knows?

Maybe you'll be good
for the rest of us, too.

So, from now on,

I will allow you
to lead the choir.

- Because I am
the choir leader?

- Because I allowed it.

- Deal.

- The vittles are ready!

"Vittles" is
a Southern word for "food."

- Yeah, I've seen
"The Beverly Hillbillies."

- Or as my missionary parents
called it,

"You Think They're Rich,

You Should See
The Mansions In Heaven."

- [groans]

- Needs olives.

- I see a couple of
little olives right there.

[upbeat bluegrass music]

♪ ♪

- You wish.

[dog barks, whines]