Perfect Harmony (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Fork Fest - full transcript
Arthur defies local customs, and the choir pays for his rudeness. For Cash's sake, Ginny vows to say nothing bad about Wayne.
Fork Fest 2019.
For a moment,
I almost forgot where I was.
Still hell.
[HORN HONKING]
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You honked at someone?
Wow.
News travels fast for a town
whose speed limit is mosey.
We don't honk in Conley Fork.
Unless you're trying to
scare a cow off the road.
Or if your buddy's asleep at the wheel
and you're trying to gently wake him up.
Well, I am from New York,
and honking is the least
offensive thing that I do.
Come on, take your music.
If I may. As a missionary,
I found the quickest
way to gain acceptance
is by adopting local customs.
Go Wildcats!
[ALL CLAMORING]
I became head of one of
the best music departments
in the country without
caring about being accepted.
- Why start now?
- 'Cause now you live in a small town.
You're gonna need this people.
And your good reputation
is your currency.
Once you lose it, you can't get it back,
just like your pelvic floor.
Not mine. She's still sturdy.
I do care about my reputation
among people of intellect
and refinement...
so, not here.
We're sophisticated.
And Fork Fest is a hot
bed of local talent.
And our choir is always
a crowd favorite.
We always knock their socks
off with our music selection.
I mean, unless the local
Joe Cocker cover band
is there, Faux Cocker.
Last year, we sang a song
about God's love,
MC Hammer's "You Can't Touch This."
And it was awesome.
Your definition of awesome
is different from mine.
And yours is wrong.
No, Fork Fest is awesome.
We always do the pie-eating contest.
But maybe not this year
because of the divorce.
Oh, no, of course, we will.
We're still a family,
and we all still love pie.
Yeah, we sure do.
I mean, I've loved pie
since ninth grade gym class.
That's why I made a vow to pie.
But sadly, pie gave up on me
when I got pie's credit
score into the single digits.
I'm also allergic to pecan.
What?
I get a rash...
- We got it.
- Stop it. Wayne.
[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC]
ALL: ♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Thine the glory ♪
♪ Revive us again ♪
I'm gonna feel so guilty if this divorce
ruins Fork Fest for Cash.
It's always just been the most
wonderful time of the year.
Of course, because Christmas
lacks that irresistible
combination of fried food
and animal husbandry.
It's where Wayne and
I had our first kiss.
We got engaged there.
Cash is a Fork baby.
[QUIRKY TENSE MUSIC]
It's unbelievable.
Blocking the middle of the road.
Why are you in such a rush?
'Cause I'm missing...
nothing, but still.
This is ridiculous.
Arthur, don't you dare.
We just talked about this.
I'm not gonna honk the horn.
- Hey!
- [GASPS]
People are waiting here!
- Are you crazy?
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
I'm depressed since my wife just died.
I'm not sure if that falls
under your definition
- of mental illness.
- That's Jerry Blevins.
Which one is Jerry Blevins?
The one with the beard and the truck,
or the one with the truck and the beard?
Jerry schedules the
entertainment at Fork Fest,
and if we get on his bad side,
he'll give us a crummy time slot.
Well, he doesn't know who I am, or
that I'm connected with the choir.
No, you don't get it.
Nothing goes un-talked-about here.
You got the only foreign car in town,
and everybody knows it
belongs to the angry Yankee
who runs Second First's choir.
They call us the carpetbagger choir.
No, it should be
the carpetbagger and the choir.
I get first billing.
- Oh, finally.
- Oh, God.
♪♪
I told you so.
Jerry gave us a time slot
up against a tractor pull.
It's devastating to me
that you would expect me
to know what that means.
Who doesn't know what a tractor pull is?
- I do not...
- [ENGINES REVVING]
Okay, okay. I get it, I get it.
It's less than ideal.
Less than ideal?
They're not gonna be able to hear us.
My hopes of attracting hip,
young members to the church
with our happening beats are dashed.
When they're mad, I'm mad.
You guys are mad, right?
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
You made it wrong
and now you gotta make it right.
I'll call Jerry.
He does have a phone, doesn't he?
We're not a bunch of bumpkins, Arthur.
Of course, he has a phone.
- He doesn't have a phone.
- Oh, my God.
Arthur, this is the south.
You can't just call people on the phone.
You gotta meet with them face to face.
If you want to make it right with Jerry,
you're gonna have to do it our way.
With tact and grace and elegance.
Yes, make him a noodle casserole.
- Ooh.
- Yes.
My secret ingredient is margarine.
- Margarine?
- That's what I said, margarine.
- Margarine.
- Jesus.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
You know that girl you had
beef with in high school?
- Stephanie.
- No.
- Tanya?
- No.
- Tall Tanya?
- No.
Girl, maybe you were the problem.
Oh, wait, you mean...
Kimmy Bell!
- Ginny!
- [BOTH SQUEAL AND GIGGLE]
I always forget you still work here.
It's so nice that you
can keep some things
in your life consistent.
Oh, it's so kind of you to be concerned.
So the divorce...
what happened? Was it your fault?
Was it his fault?
Was it the kid's fault?
Here's your food, Kimmy.
And I put some extra grits
in there for your mama
and that little dog of hers
she bears a striking resemblance to.
Thank you.
- [LAUGHS]
- Bless your heart.
Bless her farming heart.
You know that's just the start, right?
Fork Fest will be your first
public appearance since the breakup.
It's all anyone is gonna
be asking you about.
I just won't answer.
That's only gonna make it worse.
Did you know after Keith died,
a rumor went around town
that I murdered him?
What? No. Really?
Your dead husband Keith?
I learned, as a woman,
you have to control the narrative.
Either you tell the story,
or people make up their own.
Okay, listen,
I can't exactly tell people
that he often felt like a second child,
and spent our entire life savings
on an idiotic business idea.
Beanbag pants.
What's a beanbag pant?
I mean, really. Right?
That's a terrible idea.
But it's still the truth.
So? It'll get back to Cash.
And I am not saying one negative thing
about his father, and that is final.
Maybe you should worry
about your own reputation,
'cause once it's gone,
you can't get it back.
Take is from... a murderess.
What, no? Nobody thinks that.
[GIGGLES]
We never talk about it at book club.
So Cash and I are gonna
pick up tomorrow morning
for Fork Fest at 10 a.m.
Okay, but don't be late.
We gotta get to the ping-pong game
before all the goldfish die.
And just so we're on the same page,
no talking about the breakup.
There's gonna be a lot of people asking,
and I want to be a united front.
You really want to be on the safe side,
why don't we stay together?
Okay, okay, Jerry just pulled up.
Now remember,
make a personal connection with him.
Yeah, but not too personal.
Have fun with it. Keep it light.
But don't be afraid to
play the dead wife card.
In a fun, light way.
Ask about his son Jason.
But not his son Jalen.
He moved to California,
and Jerry hates California.
But he loves California Pizza Kitchen.
That's an example of keeping it light.
[BELL RINGS]
Oh, it is the guy with
the beard and the truck.
And the duck said, "What,
are you kidding me?
"I'm not kosher."
[BOTH LAUGHING]
- [BOTH EXHALE]
- Well, I should get going.
I reckon them hogs ain't
gonna feed themselves.
Well, unless they could
feed themselves the original
barbecue chicken chop salad
form California Pizza Kitchen.
That's my favorite salad.
Hardly an vegetables.
You got that right.
- Oh, Jerry, this was great.
- Yeah.
You know, you ain't nearly as
bad everybody says you are.
I appreciate it. Nice talking to you.
- Yeah, you, too.
- Okay, buddy.
[JERRY CHUCKLING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[SQUEAKING]
♪♪
Hand sanitizer? Really?
Yeah, of course. Why not?
You implied he was dirty.
He's a hog farmer who came
here straight from work.
Hand sanitizer isn't an insult.
It's a medical necessity.
Everybody grosses me out,
but I was raised properly.
I had a great talk with Jerry.
We laughed.
We found out we had things in common.
I'll bet by tonight,
we'll have an updated lineup.
Oh, Jesus.
We been dropped from
the lineup altogether.
Wow.
First time we won't be performing
in the history of our choir.
- Mm, mm, mm.
- Jerry is petty in a way I...
I really admire.
Oh, well. That'll leave
more time for, what,
potato-sack racing
and pulling machinery
with other machinery.
Well, if we're not performing,
there's no reason for you to come.
Well, I'm not gonna miss
it after this buildup.
We don't want you to come to Fork Fest.
Your reputation is shot in this town,
and we can't afford to be
seen with you in public, so...
And you're the nice one.
Yeah, that's how they bullied me
into being the one to tell you.
BOTH: ♪ We will sing one song ♪
♪ For my old Kentucky home ♪
♪ For my old Kentucky home ♪
♪ Far away ♪
[CHEERING]
Hello, everybody,
welcome to Fork Fest 2019!
[CHEERING]
This is fixing to be
the best Fork Fest yet.
- [BELL DINGS]
- [APPLAUSE]
Now I want you to play
till the cows come home...
Eat till you're as full as a tick...
Hey!
And celebrate till you're worn flat out.
Enoch won glossiest coat!
Good job, Enoch.
Now coming to our main stage
is Conley Fork's most popular
family clog troupe,
Who Let the Clogs Out!
[APPLAUSE]
So sorry about you and Wayne.
Oh, uh...
no need to be sorry.
Wayne's still my best friend.
He's just too great of a guy
to let out of my life that easily.
So then what happened?
The truth is Wayne...
The truth is Wayne is
a wonderful father.
- Right, Cash?
- Sure. Yeah.
Girl, I remember when you
and Wayne were dating,
and he wrecked your daddy's truck.
I knew then he wasn't the marrying type.
Well, actually, that's the night
I knew I wanted to marry him.
My niece's husband cheated on her...
with his podiatrist.
Oh, well, lucky for me,
Wayne has a heart of gold,
and really great feet.
I couldn't have made a
better choice for a husband.
I almost named this one after him,
but I didn't want him to deal
with all the Lil Wayne jokes.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
The way you're handling
all this is very noble,
but I'm not sure he would
do the same for you,
considering when you were in labor,
he made you drive.
Oh, he was drunk.
[SCOFFS]
Hey, Wayne.
I got you a hot dog on a fork.
Oh, that's mighty kind of you.
You can't have a hotdog on
a fork without a Forkarita.
Can't say I know what I
did to deserve all this,
but I like it,
and I like your matching
long shirt denim things.
You have a heart of gold.
And the fact that Ginny didn't
see that makes her a fool.
I do have a good heart, don't I?
Nice pecs, too.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
My God, I must look hungry.
Should've known that Ginny
is not the nice person
she pretends to be.
After all, she is friends
with that murderess.
Worse...
she's friends with that honking Yankee.
[PLUCKY GUITAR MUSIC]
_
Don't worry, Arthur. It's open.
You're lucky I'm not naked.
You sure you want to be seen with me?
I'm not gonna destroy your reputation?
Didn't even cross my mind. Yeah.
You're gonna have to spell
this town out for me.
I know a noodle casserole
means I'm sorry.
What does a cake with a
hungry leprechaun on it mean?
It means I won this in a cakewalk,
and I thought you might be hungry.
No, I'm not hungry.
This is Eustace Conley,
founder of Conley Fork.
He's delicious.
The story goes, Eustace Conley
came to a fork in the road.
He was so exhausted from
his already long journey,
he couldn't decide which way to go,
so he did the only thing
he could think to do.
- Which was?
- He turned back.
Now wouldn't you know, when he turned,
he was face to face with a mean,
old black bear.
Now Eustace was terrified,
so he did the only thing
he could think to do.
He turned back again?
He put up his fists to fight.
"Hey, coward," he yelled.
I bet you want a piece of this.
Well, wouldn't you know,
despite is bravado,
the bear charged Eustace anyway.
So Eustace did the only
thing he could think to do.
I don't have clue.
Eustace is proving unpredictable.
He laid down and played dead.
The bear mauled half of him,
but kept him alive.
Now on account of his horrific wounds,
Eustace was unable to travel,
so he did the only thing
he could think to do.
He made camp in this very
place we call Conley Fork.
Well, thank you for the cake.
You are Eustace Conley.
The bear is your bad reputation,
and the choir is your little donkey.
My little what?
The bear ate Eustace's donkey.
Did I leave that out?
Rev, I'm trying to figure out the rules,
but these people have already
made up their mind about me.
No matter what I do,
they're not gonna accept me.
When all else fails,
show that you're one of them.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
♪♪
That's never gonna happen.
Welcome to the 2019 pie-eating contest.
[CHEERING]
See? We're all doing
the pie-eating contest together.
Nothing's changed since last year.
- Dad's wearing a shirt.
- Not by choice, buddy.
- They changed the rules.
- All right...
first one to finish their pie wins.
No hands, no straws, no vomiting!
Wayne's as dumb as he is smoking hot.
I always assumed he was the one
who screwed things up with her.
But she can't say enough
nice things about him.
- It's guilt.
- Guilt for what?
Isn't it obvious?
Ginny cheated on Wayne.
Really? Is that why he left her?
- They think I cheated on you?
- No...
Okay, one last rule. No cheating.
Did you hear that, Ginny?
Now who's ready for some pie?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Aren't you gonna defend me?
I'm ready for some pie!
[HORN BLARES]
Why didn't you say something?
You told me not to say anything.
But you know I didn't cheat on you.
- I never said you did.
- Well you didn't say I didn't.
- So?
- So?
- Yeah, so?
- So, I look like the bad guy.
- Well...
- Well, what?
I'm not the one who left.
What does that mean?
Maybe just this once,
you are the bad guy.
[CHEERING]
And we have a winner!
- [VOMITING]
- [GASPS]
[ALL GROAN AND EXCLAIM]
And that's a disqualification.
I guess the winner is Ginny.
Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
They say a leopard
doesn't change her spots.
Cheater.
Why are they calling you that, Mom?
[LIGHT COUNTRY MUSIC]
♪♪
Where are you going?
Arthur, what are you doing here?
Just... I'm trying to fit
in, show I'm not a snob.
Well, give up. There's no point.
Once they make their mind up
about you, they'll never change it.
- You okay?
- Let's just say that
my reputation is more
in the mud than yours.
[CHEERING]
Well sometimes you just gotta
embrace being in the mud.
Make way.
This Yankee wants a turn.
[CHEERING]
[PIG SQUEALING]
What is happening?
My pigs is giving your jerk
Yankee a run for his money.
[CROWD SHOUTING]
- [PIG SQUEALING]
- [LAUGHING]
Come here. Come here.
Come on, Arthur.
You got this... let's go!
You got this!
Go, Arthur! Go Arthur!
Go, go, go... go, Arthur!
[GRUNTING]
[GROANING]
Come on, Arthur... You can't quit.
Why not? Eustace Conley was a quitter.
[ALL GROANING]
Yeah!
[PIG SNORTING]
- [PIG SQUEALING]
- Whoohoo!
Well, looks like he did it, folks.
[ALL CHEERING]
You better be laughing at this, Jean.
[CROWD AWWS]
[APPLAUSE]
You think I'm gonna
shake that filthy hand?
Hand sanitizer's not gonna
get the smell off that, is it?
No. [LAUGHS]
But I respect a man who's
not afraid to get dirty.
We could use an act at six,
if your group is still here.
[BOTH GASP]
We might be able to do that.
[CHEERING]
[MACKLEMORE'S "GLORIOUS" PLAYING]
I'm happy!
This blouse is dry-clean only.
♪ You know I'm back
like I never left ♪
♪ I never left ♪
♪ Been chasing dreams
but I never slept ♪
Whoo-whoo!
♪ Whoo, that boy got bars, okay, okay ♪
♪ Yes I do ♪
♪ I said amen and hallelujah,
let me testify too ♪
♪ Another morning, a morning ♪
♪ Don't let self get in my way ♪
♪ I got my breath, I got my faith ♪
♪ And I remember why I came ♪
CHOIR: ♪ I feel glorious, glorious ♪
- ♪ Got a chance... ♪
- CHOIR: ♪ To start again ♪
♪ I was...
CHOIR: ♪ Born for this, born for this ♪
- ♪ It's who I am... ♪
- CHOIR: ♪ How could I forget? ♪
♪ I made it through the
darkest part of the night ♪
♪ And now I see the sunrise ♪
- ♪ Now I feel glorious, glorious ♪
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Yeah, I'm sorry for
the interruption, uh...
I just...
I need to set the record straight.
Ginny never cheated on me.
She'd never do that.
'Cause...
she's the best person I ever met.
And I never left her...
She left me, which...
was probably the right choice,
even though my arms are so jacked,
they blew the sleeves
off my shirt and...
I'm super great in bed.
Wayne!
Oh... hey,
sorry you had to hear that, son.
Even though deep down I
feel like you already knew.
All right.
Yeah. All right.
- ♪ I feel... ♪
- CHOIR: ♪ Glorious, glorious ♪
- ♪ Got a chance... ♪
- CHOIR: ♪ To start again ♪
♪ I was... ♪
CHOIR: ♪ Born for this, born for this ♪
- ♪ It's who I am ♪
- CHOIR: ♪ How could I forget? ♪
♪ I made it through the
darkest part of the night ♪
♪ And now I see the sunrise ♪
♪ Now I feel... ♪
ALL: ♪ Glorious, glorious ♪
- ♪ I feel... ♪
- ALL: ♪ Glorious, glorious ♪
- [ALL CHEERING]
- Whoo!
Yeah!
Fork Fest wasn't half bad.
Arthur helped me win this machete.
- [GASPS]
- This is my, uh...
my third Forkarita.
My judgment may be a little impaired.
Uh, whoa... come on, bud.
Let's go back and see
if they'll trade this in for that drone.
I mean, they can't say no.
We got a machete!
- Yeah!
- He had the best day.
Well, of course he did.
His mama won the pie-eating contest.
Yeah, looking back,
those four to six hot dogs
I had for breakfast were a bad idea.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Ginny, I know I was
a crap husband, but...
[SOFT MUSIC]
I'm gonna try not to
be a crap ex-husband.
I appreciate that.
I know change is not easy for you.
- [QUIETLY] All right.
- [GASPS] What are you doing?
I was going to French you.
- Wayne!
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, no... I'm sorry.
- I apologize for that.
- That's disgusting.
- I got caught up in the moment.
- Get out of here.
- Ew, I try to be nice with you...
- Okay, God bless.
And you think I wanna kiss you?
What's wrong with a
little kiss between exes?
For a moment,
I almost forgot where I was.
Still hell.
[HORN HONKING]
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You honked at someone?
Wow.
News travels fast for a town
whose speed limit is mosey.
We don't honk in Conley Fork.
Unless you're trying to
scare a cow off the road.
Or if your buddy's asleep at the wheel
and you're trying to gently wake him up.
Well, I am from New York,
and honking is the least
offensive thing that I do.
Come on, take your music.
If I may. As a missionary,
I found the quickest
way to gain acceptance
is by adopting local customs.
Go Wildcats!
[ALL CLAMORING]
I became head of one of
the best music departments
in the country without
caring about being accepted.
- Why start now?
- 'Cause now you live in a small town.
You're gonna need this people.
And your good reputation
is your currency.
Once you lose it, you can't get it back,
just like your pelvic floor.
Not mine. She's still sturdy.
I do care about my reputation
among people of intellect
and refinement...
so, not here.
We're sophisticated.
And Fork Fest is a hot
bed of local talent.
And our choir is always
a crowd favorite.
We always knock their socks
off with our music selection.
I mean, unless the local
Joe Cocker cover band
is there, Faux Cocker.
Last year, we sang a song
about God's love,
MC Hammer's "You Can't Touch This."
And it was awesome.
Your definition of awesome
is different from mine.
And yours is wrong.
No, Fork Fest is awesome.
We always do the pie-eating contest.
But maybe not this year
because of the divorce.
Oh, no, of course, we will.
We're still a family,
and we all still love pie.
Yeah, we sure do.
I mean, I've loved pie
since ninth grade gym class.
That's why I made a vow to pie.
But sadly, pie gave up on me
when I got pie's credit
score into the single digits.
I'm also allergic to pecan.
What?
I get a rash...
- We got it.
- Stop it. Wayne.
[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC]
ALL: ♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Thine the glory ♪
♪ Revive us again ♪
I'm gonna feel so guilty if this divorce
ruins Fork Fest for Cash.
It's always just been the most
wonderful time of the year.
Of course, because Christmas
lacks that irresistible
combination of fried food
and animal husbandry.
It's where Wayne and
I had our first kiss.
We got engaged there.
Cash is a Fork baby.
[QUIRKY TENSE MUSIC]
It's unbelievable.
Blocking the middle of the road.
Why are you in such a rush?
'Cause I'm missing...
nothing, but still.
This is ridiculous.
Arthur, don't you dare.
We just talked about this.
I'm not gonna honk the horn.
- Hey!
- [GASPS]
People are waiting here!
- Are you crazy?
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
I'm depressed since my wife just died.
I'm not sure if that falls
under your definition
- of mental illness.
- That's Jerry Blevins.
Which one is Jerry Blevins?
The one with the beard and the truck,
or the one with the truck and the beard?
Jerry schedules the
entertainment at Fork Fest,
and if we get on his bad side,
he'll give us a crummy time slot.
Well, he doesn't know who I am, or
that I'm connected with the choir.
No, you don't get it.
Nothing goes un-talked-about here.
You got the only foreign car in town,
and everybody knows it
belongs to the angry Yankee
who runs Second First's choir.
They call us the carpetbagger choir.
No, it should be
the carpetbagger and the choir.
I get first billing.
- Oh, finally.
- Oh, God.
♪♪
I told you so.
Jerry gave us a time slot
up against a tractor pull.
It's devastating to me
that you would expect me
to know what that means.
Who doesn't know what a tractor pull is?
- I do not...
- [ENGINES REVVING]
Okay, okay. I get it, I get it.
It's less than ideal.
Less than ideal?
They're not gonna be able to hear us.
My hopes of attracting hip,
young members to the church
with our happening beats are dashed.
When they're mad, I'm mad.
You guys are mad, right?
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
You made it wrong
and now you gotta make it right.
I'll call Jerry.
He does have a phone, doesn't he?
We're not a bunch of bumpkins, Arthur.
Of course, he has a phone.
- He doesn't have a phone.
- Oh, my God.
Arthur, this is the south.
You can't just call people on the phone.
You gotta meet with them face to face.
If you want to make it right with Jerry,
you're gonna have to do it our way.
With tact and grace and elegance.
Yes, make him a noodle casserole.
- Ooh.
- Yes.
My secret ingredient is margarine.
- Margarine?
- That's what I said, margarine.
- Margarine.
- Jesus.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
You know that girl you had
beef with in high school?
- Stephanie.
- No.
- Tanya?
- No.
- Tall Tanya?
- No.
Girl, maybe you were the problem.
Oh, wait, you mean...
Kimmy Bell!
- Ginny!
- [BOTH SQUEAL AND GIGGLE]
I always forget you still work here.
It's so nice that you
can keep some things
in your life consistent.
Oh, it's so kind of you to be concerned.
So the divorce...
what happened? Was it your fault?
Was it his fault?
Was it the kid's fault?
Here's your food, Kimmy.
And I put some extra grits
in there for your mama
and that little dog of hers
she bears a striking resemblance to.
Thank you.
- [LAUGHS]
- Bless your heart.
Bless her farming heart.
You know that's just the start, right?
Fork Fest will be your first
public appearance since the breakup.
It's all anyone is gonna
be asking you about.
I just won't answer.
That's only gonna make it worse.
Did you know after Keith died,
a rumor went around town
that I murdered him?
What? No. Really?
Your dead husband Keith?
I learned, as a woman,
you have to control the narrative.
Either you tell the story,
or people make up their own.
Okay, listen,
I can't exactly tell people
that he often felt like a second child,
and spent our entire life savings
on an idiotic business idea.
Beanbag pants.
What's a beanbag pant?
I mean, really. Right?
That's a terrible idea.
But it's still the truth.
So? It'll get back to Cash.
And I am not saying one negative thing
about his father, and that is final.
Maybe you should worry
about your own reputation,
'cause once it's gone,
you can't get it back.
Take is from... a murderess.
What, no? Nobody thinks that.
[GIGGLES]
We never talk about it at book club.
So Cash and I are gonna
pick up tomorrow morning
for Fork Fest at 10 a.m.
Okay, but don't be late.
We gotta get to the ping-pong game
before all the goldfish die.
And just so we're on the same page,
no talking about the breakup.
There's gonna be a lot of people asking,
and I want to be a united front.
You really want to be on the safe side,
why don't we stay together?
Okay, okay, Jerry just pulled up.
Now remember,
make a personal connection with him.
Yeah, but not too personal.
Have fun with it. Keep it light.
But don't be afraid to
play the dead wife card.
In a fun, light way.
Ask about his son Jason.
But not his son Jalen.
He moved to California,
and Jerry hates California.
But he loves California Pizza Kitchen.
That's an example of keeping it light.
[BELL RINGS]
Oh, it is the guy with
the beard and the truck.
And the duck said, "What,
are you kidding me?
"I'm not kosher."
[BOTH LAUGHING]
- [BOTH EXHALE]
- Well, I should get going.
I reckon them hogs ain't
gonna feed themselves.
Well, unless they could
feed themselves the original
barbecue chicken chop salad
form California Pizza Kitchen.
That's my favorite salad.
Hardly an vegetables.
You got that right.
- Oh, Jerry, this was great.
- Yeah.
You know, you ain't nearly as
bad everybody says you are.
I appreciate it. Nice talking to you.
- Yeah, you, too.
- Okay, buddy.
[JERRY CHUCKLING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[SQUEAKING]
♪♪
Hand sanitizer? Really?
Yeah, of course. Why not?
You implied he was dirty.
He's a hog farmer who came
here straight from work.
Hand sanitizer isn't an insult.
It's a medical necessity.
Everybody grosses me out,
but I was raised properly.
I had a great talk with Jerry.
We laughed.
We found out we had things in common.
I'll bet by tonight,
we'll have an updated lineup.
Oh, Jesus.
We been dropped from
the lineup altogether.
Wow.
First time we won't be performing
in the history of our choir.
- Mm, mm, mm.
- Jerry is petty in a way I...
I really admire.
Oh, well. That'll leave
more time for, what,
potato-sack racing
and pulling machinery
with other machinery.
Well, if we're not performing,
there's no reason for you to come.
Well, I'm not gonna miss
it after this buildup.
We don't want you to come to Fork Fest.
Your reputation is shot in this town,
and we can't afford to be
seen with you in public, so...
And you're the nice one.
Yeah, that's how they bullied me
into being the one to tell you.
BOTH: ♪ We will sing one song ♪
♪ For my old Kentucky home ♪
♪ For my old Kentucky home ♪
♪ Far away ♪
[CHEERING]
Hello, everybody,
welcome to Fork Fest 2019!
[CHEERING]
This is fixing to be
the best Fork Fest yet.
- [BELL DINGS]
- [APPLAUSE]
Now I want you to play
till the cows come home...
Eat till you're as full as a tick...
Hey!
And celebrate till you're worn flat out.
Enoch won glossiest coat!
Good job, Enoch.
Now coming to our main stage
is Conley Fork's most popular
family clog troupe,
Who Let the Clogs Out!
[APPLAUSE]
So sorry about you and Wayne.
Oh, uh...
no need to be sorry.
Wayne's still my best friend.
He's just too great of a guy
to let out of my life that easily.
So then what happened?
The truth is Wayne...
The truth is Wayne is
a wonderful father.
- Right, Cash?
- Sure. Yeah.
Girl, I remember when you
and Wayne were dating,
and he wrecked your daddy's truck.
I knew then he wasn't the marrying type.
Well, actually, that's the night
I knew I wanted to marry him.
My niece's husband cheated on her...
with his podiatrist.
Oh, well, lucky for me,
Wayne has a heart of gold,
and really great feet.
I couldn't have made a
better choice for a husband.
I almost named this one after him,
but I didn't want him to deal
with all the Lil Wayne jokes.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
The way you're handling
all this is very noble,
but I'm not sure he would
do the same for you,
considering when you were in labor,
he made you drive.
Oh, he was drunk.
[SCOFFS]
Hey, Wayne.
I got you a hot dog on a fork.
Oh, that's mighty kind of you.
You can't have a hotdog on
a fork without a Forkarita.
Can't say I know what I
did to deserve all this,
but I like it,
and I like your matching
long shirt denim things.
You have a heart of gold.
And the fact that Ginny didn't
see that makes her a fool.
I do have a good heart, don't I?
Nice pecs, too.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
My God, I must look hungry.
Should've known that Ginny
is not the nice person
she pretends to be.
After all, she is friends
with that murderess.
Worse...
she's friends with that honking Yankee.
[PLUCKY GUITAR MUSIC]
_
Don't worry, Arthur. It's open.
You're lucky I'm not naked.
You sure you want to be seen with me?
I'm not gonna destroy your reputation?
Didn't even cross my mind. Yeah.
You're gonna have to spell
this town out for me.
I know a noodle casserole
means I'm sorry.
What does a cake with a
hungry leprechaun on it mean?
It means I won this in a cakewalk,
and I thought you might be hungry.
No, I'm not hungry.
This is Eustace Conley,
founder of Conley Fork.
He's delicious.
The story goes, Eustace Conley
came to a fork in the road.
He was so exhausted from
his already long journey,
he couldn't decide which way to go,
so he did the only thing
he could think to do.
- Which was?
- He turned back.
Now wouldn't you know, when he turned,
he was face to face with a mean,
old black bear.
Now Eustace was terrified,
so he did the only thing
he could think to do.
He turned back again?
He put up his fists to fight.
"Hey, coward," he yelled.
I bet you want a piece of this.
Well, wouldn't you know,
despite is bravado,
the bear charged Eustace anyway.
So Eustace did the only
thing he could think to do.
I don't have clue.
Eustace is proving unpredictable.
He laid down and played dead.
The bear mauled half of him,
but kept him alive.
Now on account of his horrific wounds,
Eustace was unable to travel,
so he did the only thing
he could think to do.
He made camp in this very
place we call Conley Fork.
Well, thank you for the cake.
You are Eustace Conley.
The bear is your bad reputation,
and the choir is your little donkey.
My little what?
The bear ate Eustace's donkey.
Did I leave that out?
Rev, I'm trying to figure out the rules,
but these people have already
made up their mind about me.
No matter what I do,
they're not gonna accept me.
When all else fails,
show that you're one of them.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
♪♪
That's never gonna happen.
Welcome to the 2019 pie-eating contest.
[CHEERING]
See? We're all doing
the pie-eating contest together.
Nothing's changed since last year.
- Dad's wearing a shirt.
- Not by choice, buddy.
- They changed the rules.
- All right...
first one to finish their pie wins.
No hands, no straws, no vomiting!
Wayne's as dumb as he is smoking hot.
I always assumed he was the one
who screwed things up with her.
But she can't say enough
nice things about him.
- It's guilt.
- Guilt for what?
Isn't it obvious?
Ginny cheated on Wayne.
Really? Is that why he left her?
- They think I cheated on you?
- No...
Okay, one last rule. No cheating.
Did you hear that, Ginny?
Now who's ready for some pie?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Aren't you gonna defend me?
I'm ready for some pie!
[HORN BLARES]
Why didn't you say something?
You told me not to say anything.
But you know I didn't cheat on you.
- I never said you did.
- Well you didn't say I didn't.
- So?
- So?
- Yeah, so?
- So, I look like the bad guy.
- Well...
- Well, what?
I'm not the one who left.
What does that mean?
Maybe just this once,
you are the bad guy.
[CHEERING]
And we have a winner!
- [VOMITING]
- [GASPS]
[ALL GROAN AND EXCLAIM]
And that's a disqualification.
I guess the winner is Ginny.
Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
They say a leopard
doesn't change her spots.
Cheater.
Why are they calling you that, Mom?
[LIGHT COUNTRY MUSIC]
♪♪
Where are you going?
Arthur, what are you doing here?
Just... I'm trying to fit
in, show I'm not a snob.
Well, give up. There's no point.
Once they make their mind up
about you, they'll never change it.
- You okay?
- Let's just say that
my reputation is more
in the mud than yours.
[CHEERING]
Well sometimes you just gotta
embrace being in the mud.
Make way.
This Yankee wants a turn.
[CHEERING]
[PIG SQUEALING]
What is happening?
My pigs is giving your jerk
Yankee a run for his money.
[CROWD SHOUTING]
- [PIG SQUEALING]
- [LAUGHING]
Come here. Come here.
Come on, Arthur.
You got this... let's go!
You got this!
Go, Arthur! Go Arthur!
Go, go, go... go, Arthur!
[GRUNTING]
[GROANING]
Come on, Arthur... You can't quit.
Why not? Eustace Conley was a quitter.
[ALL GROANING]
Yeah!
[PIG SNORTING]
- [PIG SQUEALING]
- Whoohoo!
Well, looks like he did it, folks.
[ALL CHEERING]
You better be laughing at this, Jean.
[CROWD AWWS]
[APPLAUSE]
You think I'm gonna
shake that filthy hand?
Hand sanitizer's not gonna
get the smell off that, is it?
No. [LAUGHS]
But I respect a man who's
not afraid to get dirty.
We could use an act at six,
if your group is still here.
[BOTH GASP]
We might be able to do that.
[CHEERING]
[MACKLEMORE'S "GLORIOUS" PLAYING]
I'm happy!
This blouse is dry-clean only.
♪ You know I'm back
like I never left ♪
♪ I never left ♪
♪ Been chasing dreams
but I never slept ♪
Whoo-whoo!
♪ Whoo, that boy got bars, okay, okay ♪
♪ Yes I do ♪
♪ I said amen and hallelujah,
let me testify too ♪
♪ Another morning, a morning ♪
♪ Don't let self get in my way ♪
♪ I got my breath, I got my faith ♪
♪ And I remember why I came ♪
CHOIR: ♪ I feel glorious, glorious ♪
- ♪ Got a chance... ♪
- CHOIR: ♪ To start again ♪
♪ I was...
CHOIR: ♪ Born for this, born for this ♪
- ♪ It's who I am... ♪
- CHOIR: ♪ How could I forget? ♪
♪ I made it through the
darkest part of the night ♪
♪ And now I see the sunrise ♪
- ♪ Now I feel glorious, glorious ♪
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Yeah, I'm sorry for
the interruption, uh...
I just...
I need to set the record straight.
Ginny never cheated on me.
She'd never do that.
'Cause...
she's the best person I ever met.
And I never left her...
She left me, which...
was probably the right choice,
even though my arms are so jacked,
they blew the sleeves
off my shirt and...
I'm super great in bed.
Wayne!
Oh... hey,
sorry you had to hear that, son.
Even though deep down I
feel like you already knew.
All right.
Yeah. All right.
- ♪ I feel... ♪
- CHOIR: ♪ Glorious, glorious ♪
- ♪ Got a chance... ♪
- CHOIR: ♪ To start again ♪
♪ I was... ♪
CHOIR: ♪ Born for this, born for this ♪
- ♪ It's who I am ♪
- CHOIR: ♪ How could I forget? ♪
♪ I made it through the
darkest part of the night ♪
♪ And now I see the sunrise ♪
♪ Now I feel... ♪
ALL: ♪ Glorious, glorious ♪
- ♪ I feel... ♪
- ALL: ♪ Glorious, glorious ♪
- [ALL CHEERING]
- Whoo!
Yeah!
Fork Fest wasn't half bad.
Arthur helped me win this machete.
- [GASPS]
- This is my, uh...
my third Forkarita.
My judgment may be a little impaired.
Uh, whoa... come on, bud.
Let's go back and see
if they'll trade this in for that drone.
I mean, they can't say no.
We got a machete!
- Yeah!
- He had the best day.
Well, of course he did.
His mama won the pie-eating contest.
Yeah, looking back,
those four to six hot dogs
I had for breakfast were a bad idea.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Ginny, I know I was
a crap husband, but...
[SOFT MUSIC]
I'm gonna try not to
be a crap ex-husband.
I appreciate that.
I know change is not easy for you.
- [QUIETLY] All right.
- [GASPS] What are you doing?
I was going to French you.
- Wayne!
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, no... I'm sorry.
- I apologize for that.
- That's disgusting.
- I got caught up in the moment.
- Get out of here.
- Ew, I try to be nice with you...
- Okay, God bless.
And you think I wanna kiss you?
What's wrong with a
little kiss between exes?