Partners (2014): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Curious Case of Benjamin Butt-Ugly - full transcript

Here it goes. Same routine every day.

Yeah, I've been noticing that.
Starts with his lucky cup.

But he has to check it for dust.

Now he pours the coffee.

And always over pours.

But then he pours some back.

Now watch. He taps the sugar five times.

One, two, three, four, five.

All right, now watch his face.

This is where he realizes
it isn't sweet enough.

So he adds another.



One, two, three, four, five.

And this is the part where he realizes

he works with Jack and Ass.

♪ Mama said she didn't raise no fool ♪

♪ One mind apart is
never stronger than two ♪

♪ I'm about the life,
about to come on strong ♪

♪ Come on come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ Whoa, yeah ♪

♪ One mind apart is
never stronger than two ♪

♪ Whoa, yeah ♪

♪ Mama said she didn't raise no fool. ♪

Marcus, I have glorious news.

At last, the long, arduous wait is over.

They approved fracking
on your family property?



Even better.

I have cashew,

I have almond,

and brace yourself, macadamia.

What the hell is that?

These are rare nut butters.

You mean peanut butter?

Oh, how pedestrian.

These are imported from Costa Rica.

They are handpicked by
well-trained and endangered

orange-bottom capuchin monkeys
at the peak of the season.

That sounds so amazing.

Oh, my God, man!

That's $300 an ounce!

You can only get it once every five years.

I don't want no open jars

of monkey butter in this office.

Fine. Well, like it or
not, this is my office, too.

I don't like it.

And from now on, don't
bring anything in here

without asking me. You got that?

This just arrived.

- What the hell is that?
- It's mine.

Thought I'd class this place up a bit.

Try to make it a little more me.

And by that, I mean a little less you.

No, no, no, no, no, no... oh!

Oh, no, no, no, no. This thing
is gonna give me nightmares.

- Don't look at it.
- Get it the hell out of here.

Please, you big baby.

You get one when you make
partner at my father's law firm.

Does it come with darts?

Who said you could hang that anyway?

I asked this firm's newest
partner, and I said yes.

Well, let me check with the senior partner.

I say hell, no.

Hi. I'm looking for Allen Braddock.

Tell him it's Jake Garrett.

Of course.

Allen, there is a man here to see you

who is guilty of extreme attractiveness

and could be charged with smelling like

a freshly-baked airport cinnabon.

Jake Garrett is here?

I used to play poker with him.

Jake could lead us to the kind of
lucrative clients we're looking for.

Let him in.

This guy has big money.

I once saw him lose an
entire building in one hand.

How do you lose a building playing poker?

Three Martinis and a pair of 10s.

Allen, Marcus, this is Jake.

- Allen Braddock. nice to see you, Allen.
- Jake.

How's the splendor sailing?
You got her out of dry dock yet?

Oh, not until I fix that keel rod.

Yachting.

Kills me how it always comes
down to that one race...

Caucasian.

I'd like you to meet my
partner Marcus Jackson.

So what brings you here,
Jake, besides your Bentley?

Well, this is a sensitive matter

and so I wanted to avoid the big firms.

Since you no longer
travel in those circles,

you were the first person I thought of.

You hear that? First person.

I trust that you'll be discreet

and not mention to anyone that
we're in business together.

That makes two of us.

I'm thinking of divorcing my wife.

- I believe she has cheated on me.
- The strumpet!

I'll draw up the papers right away.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow your roll.

What makes you think your
wife is cheating on you?

Well, my wife recently gave birth to a son.

Congratulations.

Yeah, but he's, um... let's
see, how do I put this?

This is my wife Heather.

Gorgeous. Empires have fallen for less.

Exactly.

So doesn't it seem impossible

that two people that look
like us could produce this?

Such strong features for a newborn.

Give me that.

Babies are beautiful gifts from God, okay?

Now this baby... oh, damn!

Oh!

It's a newborn and it got teeth.

Oh!

You must be so proud.

The only explanation is
that she cheated on me

with something that looks like that.

It offends me personally

that this has happened to you.

I knew you'd understand.
What's your retainer?

- We generally...
- Don't go under 10,000.

And that's because you're a friend.

Well, the funds will be in
your account within the hour.

What the...

- I'll walk you out.
- Allow me.

And that is how you get some cash
flowing around this place, huh?

$10,000?

That's how I roll.

Disowning a child because
it's ugly is just wrong.

Now, where would we be if Mama Lincoln

had abandoned little, ugly Abe, hmm?

I know where I'd be.

I'm not so sure about you.

Look, I understand Jake being attractive

leads to an easier, more successful life.

I'm living proof.

Look, we don't need this case, man.

We're doing just fine.

Would you stop striving for fine?

It's sad.

And it's cancelling out my Xanax.

Hey, Michael, I need to get
that file on Jake Garrett.

Allen wants me to go get
DNA for a paternity test.

I already pulled it for you.

- Enjoy.
- Oh, no.

Oh, this baby's photo
is all the birth control

- I will ever need.
- That's not a baby.

That's a cross between
Steve Buscemi and a hot dog

that's been boiling since 2012.

Allen needs to sign my report card.

My mom's in Saudi Arabia
getting her eyebrows threaded.

They're the best.

They've spent centuries taming those things

'cause it's the only thing
that shows under a burka.

This baby needs a burka.

Ew! That's a baby?

It needs Botox.

What?

They don't have Botox for babies.

Oh, they totally do.

It's called Bo-tots.

My friend's baby sister had it.

She's, like, eight months old now

and she only looks three months.

- That's terrifying.
- No, it's awesome.

When she cries, her face doesn't move.

She's already on her fifth modeling job.

Michael!

Michael!

What is so important? What is it?

This picture, man... it's freaking me out.

Well, um, have you tried

complaining about it for hours?

It's creepy, man.

It's like being stalked by the
head of security at Walmart.

Leave it to pompous rich
people to spend that much money

on a blowup of a really bad selfie.

He did that to get into my head.

Okay. All right, calm down.

Sit here and listen to me.

You hired me because of my intuition

and common sense, right?

Well, I hired you because
your dad asked me to

and I owed him money at the time.

Look, you're the one who needed his money

and sold him half your practice
the day after you met him.

I know lesbians who don't
get involved that quickly.

And now you have to deal
with the consequences.

And that is one of them.

He's not so bad.

Just do what I do... on
the outside be really nice,

but on the inside think about

how desperately he needs us

and how his entire family disowned him.

It makes me smile.

Michael, can you put on a pot of coffee?

You got it, boss.

You know, I've been thinking about
Jake's sweet, little ugly baby.

- Alleged baby.
- No, it's an actual baby.

And I decided I'm
willing to take this on.

Good.

The more money we make, the
more charity cases you can take.

What do you know about charity?

I will have you know that when I die,

the Art Institute gets that painting.

Why don't you give it to them now?

Jake, are you ready for the
results of your paternity test?

Well, I'm ready to confirm
what I already know.

I'm afraid I have devastating news.

You are the father of the baby.

All those tests and clinics

and all that trouble just to produce this?

Tests? Clinics?

- Trouble?
- No.

No.

No.

For the longest time,
we couldn't get pregnant,

and so we ended up trying in vitro.

We were so happy when it worked.

- Or did it?
- It did.

So, Jake, go home,

put on some rubber
gloves, and love that baby.

No, wait! Wait!

What if the clinic made a mistake?

If a hospital can switch babies,

why can't a fertility
clinic scramble a few eggs?

Because it's a clinic, not Denny's.

Jake, this is your life.

Let us help you bring
closure to this issue,

even if it means suing a wealthy,
highly-insured medical clinic.

You are right.

We've come this far, we shouldn't stop now.

That is some good thinking, guys.

I just sent you another check.

And it just cleared.

So how are we going to get them
to show us her medical records?

I've got a plan. Follow my lead.

Hi.

- He's here to test his sperm.
- What...

Sidebar.

What?

Don't be telling
people my boys can't swim.

I could impregnate half
of Chicago if I wanted to.

Look at her. Boom. Third trimester.

All right, you've got magazines in there,

videos in there,

and cups there.

Figure it out.

I'll be back in...

Seven minutes.

Can you make that 12?

A little foreplay.

All right, come on.

Let's go try to find the records room.

I'm not going to get caught
sneaking around back here.

Now I got us this far, you on your own.

I got some business to handle.

Sorry!

I hope you're having that removed.

3D porn?

Ohh. Oh.

I'm your
downstairs neighbor Paprika.

Your plumbing is dripping on me.

Look how wet my shirt is.

Maybe we could
plug the leak together.

Hello. I'm Dr. Radis.

What can we do for you, Mr. Yamamoto?

Yes, well, I'm actually
starting to have second thoughts.

Everyone does the first time
they see a cosmetic surgeon.

Quite honestly, you make
an excellent candidate.

You've developed plenty
of character in your face.

I can get rid of it all.

How much character are we talking about?

I'm wet everywhere.

Oh, my Lord.

Man, 3D? More like double D.

Whoo.

We'll get a better angle.

Good thinking.
Look out, it's gonna burst.

Oh!

A nip here, a tuck there, and voilá.

My God.

I'm breathtaking.

Okay, that sounds nice.

Oh, it went everywhere!

Oh, no.
That must be my husband...

Is there room in this bed for
a sweaty coal miner with back hair?

Damn it.

Take a look at these before
and afters of my work.

Oh, my. Yes, that is a noble nose.

You know, I have always
wanted a divot right there.

- We call that the Travolta.
- Ah.

Hold on a minute.

Who is this woman?

Oh, yeah, she's one of
my proudest achievements.

It's amazing what I can do for 200 grand.

We took her down to the studs.

Marcus, I got it. I got the proof.

Allen, Allen, this is incredible.

It's like being there.
This could replace sex.

- Look at this.
- Oh, what the...

What the hell happened to you?

You look like a butcher's drawing of a cow.

Jake's wife was lying to him,
but not about what he thought.

- This is what she used to look like.
- Damn!

- The ugly baby had an ugly mama?
- Mm-hmm.

I... I can't believe that's Jake's wife.

The woman's been carved up more than a
honeybaked ham. Let's get out of here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no. I
want to see how this ends.

Spoiler alert... the plumbing
never gets fixed. Let's go.

Come on.

Did somebody call a cheerleader?

Wait till Jake finds out his
wife was the original ugly baby.

Look, we got hired to see if
she was cheating; She's not.

The baby is his. Our job is done.

The job is never going
to be over for anyone

having to help this sweet
baby, bless his heart.

His poor mother's going to have to borrow

a better-looking baby to take to church.

Mama, were you listening again?

Honey, we live upstairs over your office.

The only thing blocking
the sound around here

is an open staircase...
Of course I was listening.

Mama, this ain't your business.

Ruth, will you please talk with your son?

Stop trying to get her on your side.

Look, I am on the side of whatever
generates money for this place.

And that would be my side.
Think of the endless revenue.

This information leads to
their eventual divorce...

Which leads to a prenup
for the new marriage.

Which leads to a new divorce.

Which leads to Marcus
getting me a condo in Mexico

with a fine houseboy named Juan.

You know, I just don't
want to be responsible

for ruining someone else's marriage.

I'll do it.

Why don't you do this for me? Let this go.

Do that. Do that.

Fine.

I'm still not sure why we're here.

Heather, I just wanted you to hear
whatever it is that they found out.

We are certain

that you two are the
biological parents of the baby.

That's why you brought me here?

I just wanted to make sure
that no stone was left unturned.

We have discussed this over and over.

You promised you would let it go.

And I will now that we know the truth.

And the truth will set you free.

Bye-bye now.

The truth is, Jake,

you are a shallow, vapid ass.

Oh, and here's some more truth for you.

I have had so much work done,

you wouldn't even recognize the real me.

Oh, thank God! It's true! We have pictures.

- I'm leaving you, Jake.
- But, I mean...

Heather, I'm sorry!

I mean, at least now we know the
baby isn't ugly because of me.

Oh, damn. Shots fired.

My ugly they could fix.

All the money in the world won't fix yours.

Jake, we're here for you.

You're fired.

And I'm going to go after
everything you've got.

Heather, we're here for you.

I feel sorry for Heather. She trusted Jake.

Now she's left with nothing but
a perfectly reconstructed body

and a 16-figure settlement
to keep her going.

Now she's all alone.

Something tells me this isn't
just about Jake and Heather.

What if Renee was my one and
only true love, and now that's it?

- I'm alone.
- Marcus, Renee cheated on you.

Count your blessings.

You got "till death do us part"

reduced to a 22-year
sentence with time served.

Then why do I feel like
I'm starting over, too?

This is a great time for you.

You can do anything. You're
going to meet a lot of women.

Carpe scrotum, man.
Seize life by the balls.

What if it's too late?

I'm going to tell you a little
story I think might help.

Please, don't.

Once upon a time...

There was a kind,

somewhat annoying prince...

And he was deceived and then abandoned

by the princess he had loved for many years

and he lived happily ever after.

He got to smoke cigars in his own home

and watch football games
without interruption.

Never made his bed

and even peed a little
on the floor sometimes.

And all his married friends
envied his disposable income

and unlimited free weekend nights.

The end.

That's a damn good story!

Well, it's your story.

Tell it again.