Partners (2014): Season 1, Episode 4 - Who's Your Mama? - full transcript

So our 1:00 wants to
sue his acupuncturist.

You know what's wrong with acupuncture?

The word "puncture."

How could you diss something

that's been around for 5,000 years?

- Marcus!
- Speaking of which.

I need to talk to you right now, son.

Mama, we talked about you coming
down here while we're working.

No, you talked about it.

Mama, look, I'm gonna put this up.

- You see this right here?
- I don't see anything.



It's an invisible wall.

- Oh, now I see it.
- Thank you.

On one side is me at work.

On the other side,
you bugging me at work.

But, Marcus, I just wanna...

The wall is up, Mama. I can't hear you.

Now... thud... I'm banging
my head on the wall, Mama.

Ouch, mama! Ouch, mama.

You know, instead of wasting
your money on an invisible wall,

why don't you get somebody
to fix this showerhead?

It was set on "stream"
and came out "Katrina."

I got my hair wet.

Isn't that why you take a shower?

He's white, Mama. He
don't know no better.



Better talk to him.

♪ Mama said she didn't raise no fool ♪

♪ One mind apart is
never stronger than two ♪

♪ I'm about the life,
about to come on strong ♪

♪ Come on come on,
come on, come on ♪

♪ Whoa, yeah ♪

♪ One mind apart is
never stronger than two ♪

♪ Whoa, yeah ♪

♪ Mama said she
didn't raise no fool. ♪

Gin.

Whoo.

I can't believe that Lillian is gone.

The world is just a little bit sadder.

Child, that woman dug
her own grave with a fork.

Bless her heart.

Oh, hell no.

Son?

Hey, Mama.

We need you to be the fourth
now that Lillian's dead.

She's dead, huh?

What kind of bone did she choke on?

Well, she slipped on a
bread and butter pickle,

hit her head on the countertop.

Mm-hmm, and she didn't
have a living will

so her kids just pulled the plug.

I get that.

We are just all

one thin slice of
pickle away from death.

Mm-hmm.

Marcus, how long have I been
asking you to do my living will?

Mama, you ask me to
do a lot of things...

flip your mattress, pick up your wig.

See how he's changing the subject?

I'll end up like Lillian.

You know those no good kids of hers

just abandoned her poor
little dog, Miss Ross.

- No.
- Left him all alone in her apartment.

But that dog is nasty.

Bless its heart.

Marcus, can you go pick up Miss
Ross from Lillian's apartment?

Fine, Mama. I'll take care of it.

Now y'all do me a favor.

Somebody crack a window in here.

It smells like girdle.

I went to that
acupuncturist for dry mouth

and now I've had an erection
for two and a half weeks.

Well, where'd they put the needles?

It's humiliating. I'm a spin instructor.

I have to wear spandex.

Well, I could see how
that could be a problem.

So, I'm gonna need the
name of this acupuncturist.

- Michael.
- He's in a meeting.

He's almost... done.

Marcus, we need to talk.

Well, that would be fine if I
actually got a chance to, Mama.

I need you to write me a will.

Mama, what do you need a will for?

Everything in this building, I own.

You know, Tom, I'm just afraid
it's not gonna stand up in court.

Uh, your case, I mean.

Uh, well, good luck.

Oh, Lizzie. What are you doing here?

Oh, hi, Lizzie, what's up?

Oh, my God, this girl started
choking in line at Starbucks.

It was horrible.

But thank God someone
opened up another register.

And to what do we owe
this unexpected pleasure?

Oh, mom had to take her
life coach back to rehab.

Isn't that something you
two could've done together?

Maybe you could have gotten a
jumpstart on your application?

Oh, sorry.

This might be an important
text about a sale at Barney's.

Lizzie, when are you gonna do
something other than go shopping?

Think about the future.

Find a career you love, you'll
never work a day in your life.

Mostly because that field would
never hire someone like you.

You know, you're really getting
that stepfather thing down.

Oh, you noticed that, did you?

Yeah, I thought we had
a real breakthrough.

Thinking of upgrading our
relationship to "disaster."

Marcus, I'm serious.

I don't want to end up like Lillian.

Her kids unplugged
her like a waffle iron.

Marcus, are you doing
Ruth's living will?

You know, I did my mother's.

Of course, she didn't know about it.

It was really more
like a letter to Santa.

See, he did his mother's.

Mama, I didn't say I wouldn't.

Honey, I could have a
heart attack right now.

Or you're walking through the
financial district, the economy tanks,

suddenly it's raining futures traders

and, splat, goodbye mama's futures.

Or a stack of sheet metal could
fall from a construction site

and, bam, spiral sliced
like a honeybaked ham.

Or somebody, like, tweets a picture
where her thighs look totally huge

and everyone unfriends
her and she's all alone

so she totally kills herself.

You know, I'm not talking
about this anymore.

You know, Marcus, if you're a
little too close to the subject,

I'd be glad to help you out.

What do you mean, "too close"?

What are you trying to
say, I'm a mama's boy?

No, I'm just saying
that you're a grown man

who's lived with his
mama since he was a boy.

Honey, why don't you let him help you?

He needed three people just
to help him reload the stapler.

Back in my old office, we had
a device known as "the girl."

She could also mix an
excellent scotch and soda.

Look, this is obviously
too loaded an issue for you.

Let me do it.

I'm a lawyer.

I'm her son. I can do it.

You can, but you won't.

I will when I do.

Then why not now?

Because she's never gonna die.

Okay, maybe I could use your help.

And someone still has to pick up
Miss Ross from Lillian's apartment.

- Michael?
- I don't like dogs and dogs don't like me.

Would you rather stay here with Lizzie?

You know in some
countries they eat dogs.

That's how the chow got its name.

Word to the wise, go with the dog.

Okay, now, if I end up on life support,

just keep me plugged in until if
fit back into my wedding dress.

I'm not gonna write that down.

Marcus, this is your mother's
advanced medical directive

for her end-of-life care.

Do you have to say "end of life"?

- Okay, "untimely demise."
- No.

"Taking a dirt nap"?

What would I say if I told
you your mother was dying?

Dibs on the lake house, drinks at 7:00.

We still haven't even discussed
mechanical ventilation,

hydration assistance, or resuscitation.

Come on, man.

She can hear you.

I'm sorry, he's just very sensitive.

It's probably because he
was so tiny growing up.

Oh, they used to tease
him something terrible.

Remember when Bernita Brumm
zipped you up into her backpack?

I bet you were adorable.

You know what? I changed my mind.

Pull the damn plug.

Oh, this must be Miss Ross.

It is.

Oh, Veronica, I don't
know what I'm gonna do.

She's so sweet, we can't
take her to the pound.

I was gonna keep her
until we found her a home,

but I'm deathly allergic.

Do you think maybe you could keep her?

Nice try, but you're overacting.

Okay, fine. She's not sweet.

She puts the "bitch" in bitch.

Hey.

All dogs have is their instincts.

She can sense that you don't like her.

Why should I like her?

I think she still has one
of her teeth in my hand.

Oh, yeah, she's ferocious.

Well, she wasn't very cordial to me.

Um, I think I see why.

Miss Ross isn't a bitch at all.

Miss Ross has junk.

Huh, I'm usually good at spotting junk.

Aw, no wonder he likes me.

All guys do.

So how's everything
going with you and my mom?

She got you drinking in the morning yet?

Oh, no, it's actually
been an enchanting week.

That's because she's not your mom.

She's great company. She spins a
terrific yarn and she's so generous.

You know, she's donating
all her organs to science.

What organs?

Well, maybe that's something she's more
comfortable sharing with her attorney.

Like that young sailor she was
engaged to before she met your dad.

- What sailor?
- Oh, sorry.

Attorney-client privilege.

- Ah, Ruth.
- Ready to go?

Yes, yes, your chariot awaits

in the form of a
high-performance German Motorcar.

Ooh.

Mama, why are you all dolled up?

Well, I'm treating my lawyer
to lunch for all his hard work.

If this is work, let
it all be this hard.

Well, why don't I go with you?

'Cause we're gonna be
discussing some things

that you're not
comfortable with, remember?

You know, I can't wait for
you to taste that dover sole.

Oh, you know I got a
craving for seafood.

Good, there's a box of Fish Sticks

in the freezer about to expire.

Fine, Mama. Y'all go to lunch.

I got my own lunch.

I love my Fish Sticks.

The best part about the
Fish Stick is the stick.

A lot of people don't know that.

But you trippin', Mama. You trippin'.

Since she'd been with
the family for 30 years,

rather than firing Consuela, my
mother simply called Immigration,

let nature take it course.

Oh, that is just wrong.

Well, I come from a long
line of cold, detached people.

I think the only
unconditional love I ever felt

was from Lee Iacocca.

- My box turtle.
- Oh.

Died when I was nine.

His little tank light worked fine.

I think it was the lack of warmth

in the family that killed him.

Well, we are not like that.

We hug each other
going from room to room.

Not us.

I don't believe I remember
my mother ever hugging me.

One time, I was choking, she asked
the butler to give me the Heimlich.

In her defense, she'd just
had her nails done, so...

Well, I'm sure she
loved you in her own way.

When I was six, she told me
that I made a perfect Manhattan.

Oh, see? That's something.

And that is not an easy drink to make.

Yes, thank you, thank you.

You know, Allen, after growing
up in a family like that,

I think you turned out just fine.

If you were my son,
I would be very proud.

I've had it with this dog.

His bladder is shot.

I haven't been peed on
like that since college.

Sorry, you have a new dog.

What is that?

Your new bestie, if you're lucky.

- He needs a temporary home.
- Ugh, no.

But it's a service dog.
It gets you VIP access

to places you wouldn't
normally get to go to,

like early entrance to the
Barney's Warehouse Sale.

Keep talking.

And 20 bucks a day until
we find it a permanent home.

I can get money from
Allen any time I need it.

Then what do you want?

How well can you forge
Allen's signature?

Better than he can.

Fine.

Sign it on the bottom of
that blank piece of paper.

What are you gonna use it for?

I'm gonna create a system of
accessibility that will allow me to...

You know what? Never mind.

Plausible deniability.

Smart boy.

Mark my words, one day you'll
be the mayor of Chicago.

Why aren't Allen and mama back yet?

Something's going on.

What are you talking about?
They've been back for over an hour.

Yeah, they came in all laughing
and tipsy and went upstairs.

Oh. It's on.

Are you sure you're up for this?

Are you kidding?

I've been doing this
since you were in diapers.

Wow, you are in great shape.

And you are so strong.

Nice and easy.

I just wanna
make sure it's in right.

- Aw yeah.
- Hell, no. Hell, no.

What the hell you think you're doing?

Flipping the mattress.

Yeah, that's what it
looks like you're doing.

Go on back to doing what you're doing.

Make sure y'all flip
that mattress right.

So you just ate the last donut?

So what if I did?

You're just helping
yourself to everything

around here, aren't you?

What's that supposed to mean?

Ah, private joke between me and me.

When the two of you finish laughing,

would you mind signing this durable
power of attorney for your mom?

What does that have to
do with her living will?

I'm doing her whole estate plan.

So you're her healthcare proxy?

- Obviously she trusts me.
- She trusts me, I'm her son.

My God, you're jealous. Isn't that cute?

I'm not jealous. You're
the one that's jealous.

Yeah, all right fine, fine.
Listen, I'm not doing this.

I'll take this upstairs
and have Ruth sign it.

Oh, no. I'll take it to my mother.

No, no, just a second.
This is my client.

- It's my mother.
- I'll take it to her.

All right, fine, fine.
You be the messenger.

It's not gonna change her decision.

It means my hand's free
to deliver this to her.

- Is that my mother's hair?
- Yep, I picked it up.

Why are you rubbing your
fingers through my mother's hair?

I'm gonna be bringing it to her.

What's so funny?

That's not mama's
hair. That's Lillian's.

Yeah, it was supposed to
go to the funeral home.

Classic misdirect, Counselor.

You son of a...

Get back here with that wig!

Ruth, Ruth, I got your wig!

Allen, what are you doing
with mama's church hair?

What in God's name is going on?

Isn't that your good wig?

I always thought that was a hat.

Well, it used to be my "Etta James."

Now it's my "Rick James."

What the hell happened?

Yeah, Mama, you can't
trust him with nothin'.

But don't worry, I'll get
you another one, all right?

Oh, yeah? Well, I'll
get you two new ones

with real hair, not synthetic,

and open cap construction
for breathability.

What? I represented an Orthodox Jew

who developed a scalp fungus.

Look, he got you all tense.

Don't worry, Mama, I'll
rub your shoulders, okay?

Boy, would you just leave me alone?

We are trying to play cards here.

Well, maybe I could make some
snacks for you and the ladies.

Or I could make my famous Pupusas
with a light tomatillo sauce.

What? I used to spend Christmas
in San Salvador with Consuela.

I also learned crop rotation.

Nobody cares.

Now I'm about to make
mama's favorite snack,

which I know and you don't.

Oh, you mean the mini broccoli quiches

with a dollop of lowfat sour cream?

Mama, you told him?

I finally got a hand here. Do
you wanna yak or play cards?

Yeah, what are you two
doing up here anyway?

Well, I don't know what he's doing
here, but I'm here on business.

I need you to sign
this important document.

Oh, oh, Mama, you gave
him daddy's favorite pen?

The one when you turn
the bikini falls off?

You said the pen was silly
and you didn't want to use it.

I said it was silly of
me not to use it, Mama.

Yes, well, it's mine
now. Mama gave it to me.

- Who you callin' "mama"?
- Don't you take that...

Hey! Hey!

Now, look, I don't know what's going on

with the two of you, but
take it somewhere else.

Get.

It's so over.

This thing humped a mink coat...

On a lady... at Barney's.

Gas it.

You can't put down Miss Lillian's dog.

You were supposed to take care of it.

It's one of God's creatures.

No, that's one of Satan's soldiers.

Face it, this walking hairball
will never find a home.

Not looking like that.

You know what? Give me half an hour.

I will make it so that
everyone will want him.

Oh, my God, she's beautiful.

He's beautiful.

Maybe you guys were wrong about him.

Maybe he was just mean
'cause he was ugly.

Maybe he's a great dog to be around.

Ugh.

God, talk about gassing.

Oh, my God, my mouth was open.

Get him out of here.

Oh, come on, Miss Ross.

I'm gonna take you to a shelter

now that I know you can find a home.

These people belong to
the inhumane society.

Well, I hope you're happy.
You've upset your mother.

Down here is our business.
Up there is my business.

Your mother likes me. Deal with it.

Don't try to latch onto my family

just because your family
don't give a damn about you.

I'm sorry. That was too far.

No, you're right. I crossed the line.

I'll see you tomorrow.

You do see I'm
intentionally walking slowly?

- Okay, wait.
- Fine, if you insist.

I appreciate everything you did for me.

- Helping Ruth?
- No, helping me

because you knew I couldn't deal

with the thought of losing my mother.

Yeah, well, enjoy her
while she's still here.

You know, I had a lot
of things growing up.

A loving family wasn't one of them.

Yeah, well, I'm a lucky man.

Yes, you are.

And your father's
dead. I wish I had that.

Thanks for doing all the work.

It's my pleasure.
I'll bill you tomorrow.

- Are you serious?
- She's not my mother.

Mission accomplished.

You'll all be happy to know
Miss Ross has a home now.

- Thank God.
- It's not here.

I think that smell is
stuck in my nose forever.

Well, the woman at the
shelter was very grateful.

Grateful? For that thing?

- For the dog and the money.
- What money?

There was a letter from Miss
Lillian's Lawyer in that little bag.

She left money for whoever ended
up taking care of Miss Ross.

How much?

$25,000.

I loved that dog.

We were emotionally connected.

He was like the child I never had.

- We've gotta get him back.
- I'll go.

Back off, twinkie, he's mine.