Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 8 - Camping - full transcript

Gee whiz.
The Harvest Festival was a real triumph.

We had over eighty thousand
people in attendance,

which surpassed our
wildest expectations.

I would like to specifically
single out Leslie Knope.

I speak for the mayor,
city council, and all of Pawnee

when I say we can't wait to see

what the heck
you're going to do next.

Step on up here, Les.

Thank you.

Paul, are you okay?

Uh...



- Oh, my gosh.
- Holy!

Oh, my God.

Call 911!

That was the second
most awkward way

a man has ever
grabbed my breast.

All right, guys.
Everybody, listen up.

Just a few notes about our
camping retreat tomorrow.

We're all gonna meet here
and leave as a group

at 6:45 a.m., promptly.

Why are we doing this?

Harvest Fest is over.

We do not wanna
have a sophomore slump.

This camping trip is our chance
to think of some really big ideas.

Why don't you just tell us
what our next project is,



and I'll go camping by myself.

Look, I have ideas, Ron. Okay?
I have, like, 100 new ideas.

But the point is,
the pressure is on.

We only have one chance
to make a second impression.

What portion of this camping
trip will take place outside?

- All of it.
- Pass.

Can't pass.
It's a mandatory work retreat.

I have a question.
What if we're scaling a cliff

and I start to fall?

Can I grab onto
your boob for support?

No, Tom, don't.
Her boob kills.

My boob does not kill.

Paul did not die.
He had a heart attack,

which required
an octuple bypass.

Besides, the Pawnee Sun said
that my chest saved his life.

How's the best municipal
department in Pawnee?

That's you guys?

Paul is going to be recuperating
for a while.

So, the mayor asked me
to step in as City Manager.

And I of course accepted immediately
because Pawnee is literally

the greatest
town in the country.

Of course,
I am gonna miss Indianapolis,

which is the most
wonderful city in America.

I'm so excited to be working
with you all again.

And Leslie, I cannot wait
to hear your new big idea.

I wanna hit the ground running,
and your new mystery project

is going to be
the hydration pack

that gets me to
the finish line.

You're all my
little hydration packs.

I'm sure I am not.

Ron.

Are, too.

Hydration pack!

Hey, you gotta hear this hilarious
story that he's telling me.

Tell her what happened.

My identity was stolen.

His identity was stolen.

Tell her about the accounts.

They were frozen.

Frozen.

Bye, Kyle.

Where are you going?
Oh, my God.

- How's the coolest chick ever?
- Not good.

What do you mean?

Leslie's making us go
on a camping retreat.

That's awesome.
Camping's the best.

Camping sucks.

It's super boring.

And you can see the stars,
which I hate. They're creepy.

I love camping.
I bet you I can get you to love it, too.

Why don't I meet you out there?

If you hate it, we'll leave and
go make out. But if you love it,

we'll stay and make out.
Either way, a ton of making out.

You in?

- Ann Perkins.
- Chris.

- Hey. I heard you were back.
- Yeah.

I didn't do this
because of you.

Well, it looks great.

Yeah, you look great.
Am I right? It's...

So good running into you.

You know, we should get together soon.
I'd love to catch up.

Me, too.
Catch up and mustard.

Ketchup and mustard.
I just was...

Oh!

So delightful.

I relish your wit.

Well, I salsa your face.

I should hate him.
He broke up with me.

Well, there was an ex that I still
liked after he broke up with me.

But it was really hard to stay mad
at him. He was an amazing dentist.

You know, when he saw me,
I swear his face lit up.

Ann.

What do you think "We should
get together soon" means?

No. Do not read into this.

Remember, this is the guy that
was so upbeat and positive,

when he broke up with you,
you didn't even know it happened.

Yeah.

Come camping with us.

It'll be really fun. You'll be away
from Chris. You can brainstorm.

I'll give you
first dibs on s'mores.

Okay. That sounds fun.

Here is our
official retreat schedule.

It divides our time evenly
between work and play.

Come on, everybody.
Let's hustle.

Let's get to the brainstorming!

Great attitude, Ron.

I just wanna get the work
over as soon as possible

so I can do some fishing.

Fishing relaxes me.

It's like yoga,
except I still get to kill something.

All right.
I call this wonderful spot.

You didn't bring a tent?

I don't really go
camping ever, Jerry.

So, I'm not going to
spend $150 on a tent.

I'm just gonna
sleep on the floor.

It's called the ground
when it's outside.

Whatever.

Why? Do you guys do
this a lot? Camping?

I've never been before,
but I think I'm gonna love it.

Why am I gonna love it?

SkyMall.

Come check out my tent.
I ordered a bunch of crap off SkyMall.

I got my TV, my Xbox, DVD.

Awesome bed right there.

DJ Roomba's in the mix.

It's like I'm not even camping.

This is actually a dog couch,

but it's super comfortable.

It's really important to me
that April loves camping.

So, I went ahead and set up the
ultimate campsite love nest.

Complete with
beautiful starlight.

We got champagne.
Also, rose petals.

As you can see,
they smell terrific.

We need big ideas, and we need 'em now.
Who wants to go first?

I propose that we take all the money
we made from the Harvest Festival

and return it to the citizens.

So, how much would
that be per person?

About 83 cents.

Per household.

Before postage.

Are we done?

What do Jay-Z, Lil Wayne,
and Drake all have in common?

Oh, I know this one.
They are all rappists.

Oh, my God.
They're rappers, Jerry.

And what they have
in common is none of them

have ever performed
in Pawnee. Why?

Because we don't have
an adequate concert venue.

Until now.

The Pawnee Amphitheater.

How much would that cost?

Not that much.
$200, $300 million.

- Right.
- Great.

Luxury dog park.

Do you want to
tell us any more?

Poodles only. No pooping.

Hey. Where are you?

I'm here.
Where are you?

We're inside the main entrance,

near the sign that says
"Pawnee Campground."

I'm in a totally
different place.

That's why we
can't see each other.

My God, Andy,

I don't even wanna be here.

The air is too fresh.
It's disgusting. I can't breathe.

There's a brook somewhere that
won't stop babbling. Shut up!

Sweetheart. Just hold tight
and I'll be there.

Well, April is right here.

And I am down here somewhere.

How about we just
invest the money?

Make 4% a year.

You know, set up a nice
little nest egg for the city.

What do you think?

Great idea.
Thanks, white Urkel.

All right. Maybe it's not the
sexiest idea, Tom, but it's smart.

What are you even still doing here?
Harvest Festival is over.

Shouldn't you be
back in Indianapolis?

Hey. Ben helped us launch
the Harvest Festival,

and he knows how
Chris's mind works.

And he's a valuable
asset to the team.

Thank you.

April has not presented her idea.
April?

- I didn't come up with anything.
- Why?

Because I know that
whatever we come up with

isn't gonna be
good enough anyway,

and we're just
gonna go with your idea.

She's got a point.

Leslie, just tell
us what your idea is

so I can go back
to the Thunderdome.

That's what I'm
calling my tent.

I am really
disappointed in all of you.

You know, the whole town
is looking at us right now.

And you're letting 'em down.

Take an hour.
Go clear your heads

and see if you can come up with
a real idea that we can use.

And also,
see if you're interested

in contributing
to this department.

Then, after that,
I will tell you my idea.

Wow. You really
let 'em have it.

Well, I had no choice.
I didn't wanna tell them my idea.

- Why not?
- Because I don't have one.

I don't have an idea, Ann.

I'm so screwed, Ann.

The meeting is tomorrow,
and I don't have anything.

Why not just build the park
on the lot behind my house?

Chris wants the new project
to generate revenue.

What about those
binders in your office?

They're filled
with small ideas.

We need a big, juicy idea.

I'm so desperate,
I even brought in my dream journal,

hoping it would inspire me.

"I married ALF and
we're pretty happy."

- That sounds nice.
- It was.

Okay, listen to me.
You are smart and creative and talented,

and you're gonna be fine.
- You're probably right.

I just need an hour
and it'll come to me.

Hello?

Andy, you have to save me.

I'm camping with
people I work with.

Hello. April.

Hello?

Walk around in circles
like I am.

Help triangulate
the phone call.

Hello?

Hang on.
I'm gonna try to get to higher ground.

I found some thorns.

I mean, yes, my daughter
might think she is old enough

to be sexually
active with her boyfriend.

But I'm sorry, 16,

that just seems too young
to be on birth control.

You know,
I was 24 when Gayle took my virginity.

What say we just
stand here in silence

and think of
ideas for projects?

You know what I should do? I should
lead a teen abstinence workshop.

That might be
incredibly effective.

Hey, Tom.

One second. I'm just in the
middle of a head massage.

Well, that's a good stopping point.
What's up?

Uh...

You wanna bounce
some ideas off each other?

Here's a better idea. How about I
bounce my way over to my dog couch

and watch a little
Season Six of Top Chef?

All right.

I know Leslie seems upset.

But the truth is,
she's better than us

at this stuff by
a thousand miles.

So, there's really no point.
Care for some fondue?

Yeah.

Hey. How do you
afford all this stuff?

I just return it the next day
and claim it was defective.

The key is crying a lot.

No one likes to
hear a grown man cry.

"And then, my hand accidentally
went in the panini press!"

Hey. You wanna go
for a walk?

Yeah.

Wow. The sky
is really beautiful.

It's pollution from the
Sweetums factory. It's gorgeous,

but is it worth the asthma?

No.

Ben, this new project idea,

it's not really a big deal.
I'm probably making too much out of it.

Oh, no, no.
It's really big.

I mean, you got everyone's
attention with the Harvest Festival.

Now, you're gonna
seal the deal.

It's the chance
you've been waiting for.

What if the festival was, like,
a high point for me,

and I never do
anything better than that?

Then you wouldn't
be Leslie Knope.

So, I have to keep thinking
about good ideas all the time,

or I'm no longer myself?

No, no, no.
No, no. Not at all.

I've just honestly never met
someone who works as hard as you do.

I mean, you're like the Energizer
Bunny of city government.

And when she looked
in the back of her car,

she saw that even though it
was her own private property,

she would be
forced to take it in

for a state inspection!

Okay, guys. Listen up.

- What was that?
- That was me talking.

No, I heard it, too.
Andy?

If that's a coyote,
someone needs

to pick me up
off the ground now.

Oh, my God!

Hey, guys.

What are you doing here?

I was just out for
my nighttime run,

and I thought,
"Why not go visit the Parks Department?"

How's everything going here?

Super great. Really well.

We have a great idea.

Tell me now while I
sit on this boulder.

I'm much more
receptive to new ideas

when my heart rate
is still elevated.

Chris, do you wanna maybe
just talk for a minute?

Let them work?

Oh! Sure.

What was that? What was that?

Leslie, just tell us your idea.

NCIS Los Angeles, Season One
isn't gonna watch itself.

Here it is.

What do you think?

I don't have an idea.
I'm sorry.

I thought if we all
worked really hard,

I could come up with something.

But I don't have anything,
and we're totally screwed.

And what we need to do is just keep
working and just work again more

and just do it and get it.
And then we got it and we're good.

Go with that.

I think I'm gonna turn in.

You're not going anywhere.

No one's going anywhere.
No one's sleeping

because this is an all-nighter.
And that'll be fun.

We'll all stay up and then,
I'll be like, "Hey! No one sleep!"

Do you hear how loud that is?

You're not
sleeping through that.

Is there anything else to eat?

The marshmallows are all gone.

We have nothing to eat.

Jerry scared all the fish away
with his loud personal stories.

I wanna go home.
I miss my canopy bed.

Yeah. I'm fine
with not camping.

Especially since my stupid
boyfriend abandoned me!

I'll fire up the van.

You know,
I've never moved this slowly before.

It's almost like
being in quicksand.

Hey, um, listen.

When you dumped me,
it was really embarrassing.

You just kind of took off.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I mean,
I never meant to hurt you.

And well, I'm back now.

Hey, I have a great idea.

Why don't we go to this
rustic diner that I know?

We can have egg white omelets and
we can continue to talk about us.

Sounds good.

No, no.

Chocolate or butterscotch?

Swirl me. Dude, camping is
awesome. I love it.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

How long have you been
running power to this tent?

I don't know.
How long have we been here?

Ten hours.

No! I was TiVoing
Cupcake Wars.

This is ridiculous!

Look, I am used
to a certain level

of comfort in my life,
and I didn't want to sacrifice that.

Okay, well,
I packed everything up.

So, now, you're telling me
I have to go unpack it?

Guys, this is a sign.

You wanted to leave,
and now you're stuck here with me.

So, we can work all night.

This is gonna be so much fun!
All-night work!

All-night work!
All-night work!

You know what? There's a bed
and breakfast right up the road.

I'm gonna head there.

Yes. Let's keep brainstorming.

I have a good
feeling about this B&B.

One day, there's gonna be
a plaque there that reads,

"This is where Leslie Knope came
up with the amazing idea for..."

Damn,
I thought that would work.

Welcome to "The Quiet Corn".

I'm Elsa Clack.

Breakfast is served
between 5:30

and 6:15 A.M.

What if we sleep
to a normal hour?

Well, that would be
very rude of you.

May I take
your breakfast order?

We have hardboiled eggs,

homemade tomato slices
with dry seed and leek jam,

and your choice
of german muffin.

What the fuck is a german muffin?

Oh, good lord.

I call the bed!

Ah.

Awesome.

I hate this place.

This place is the exact opposite
of Skymall.

Oh, listen to this.

"Dear Quiet Corn,

"thank you for
your beautiful Inn.

"My wife and I spent
three nights of ecstasy

in this room."

Ugh!

Gyash!

There are no TVs anywhere.

This place is lamer
than outside.

I'm chillin'.

What is that?

Jim.

♪ Tou come sleepin'
in the tent ♪

Oh, my God.

♪ Sleepin' in the tent ♪

I found you!

♪ I found you ♪

♪ And I had to fight
a squirrel ♪

Where have you been?

I told you I was gonna
take you campin', didn't I?

Yeah.

Well, I'm taking you campin'.
Look at this.

This is what I had set up
at the other campsite.

Except for it
was way nicer there.

But this'll do.
I've got some champagne.

And I had to drink
most of it to survive.

So I'm kind of buzzed
right now.

I'm just glad you're here.

Can we make out now?

No, you have to understand

that at the time,
I genuinely thought

that you and I would never
see each other again.

I completely understand.

Well, that's what
makes you so amazing.

- No.
- Ann Perkins...

Amazing.

Oh, no.

Oh, no?

Oh, no.

No, no, no.
I wasn't saying that...

I thought we should
get back together again.

But you said that...

You indicated...

Oh, my God,
this is happening again.

I have to move, right?

Yeah.

I'm gonna leave the country.

Bye, everybody.
Bye.

Hey.

Hey. Couldn't sleep?

No. My room is filled
with cat hair and cat smell.

And actual cats,
roughly 12 cats.

Hmm, sounds delightful.

Leslie, what are you doing?

I am listening to
Steal my Sunshine by Len.

A one-hit wonder, like me.

You're not
a one-hit wonder.

Well, I will be.

I peaked at
the Harvest Festival, Ron.

Years from now,
people are gonna say,

"Remember that woman
who came up with

"the Harvest Festival idea
and never came up

"with another idea again?

"What happened to her?
What was her name?

"Kim? Anyway, who cares?

"She's stupid,
and she's dead now."

For the first time ever,

the Parks Department
has real momentum,

and I'm gonna ruin it
for everybody.

You've done more
for this group of people

than anyone else.

You're the only reason we all
still have jobs.

I think we'll be okay.

Yeah, okay, well, I would
love to chit-chat about this,

but I need
to keep working, okay?

And keep pushing so that
my breakthrough will happen,

and I will be ready for it.

You know what?

I just had an idea
for a new project.

- Really?
- Yes.

Yes, I think... I think
this could be really good.

What is it?

Come with me.

Right through here.

Wait, what's happening?

Aah! Ron!

Ron, what are you doing?

This is my idea.

You're gonna shut your brain
down and go to sleep,

and I'm gonna stay out here
and guard the door

so you can't leave.
- No! Ron!

You've been thinking about work

non-stop for years!

It's time to rest!

All my binders are downstairs!

Shh!

All due respect,
Ms. Clack,

stick a german muffin in it.

Fair enough.
I'm just gonna go to bed.

Just call it a night.

I already checked, Leslie.

The transom is painted shut.

Damn it!

Oh, my God, there's, like,
50 cats in here.

Where's Leslie?

Not 100% sure.

Should we reschedule or...

nope, she'll be here.

Good morning!

So I just slept seven hours,

which is twice as long
as I usually sleep,

so I'm a little disoriented.

But I did wake up
with a million ideas,

and Ron would not
let me have any paper,

so I had to write them down
on this doily.

We should buy a telescope
and make the old ranger station

in Ramsett Park an Observatory.

That way, we could sell tickets

and have class trips.

- I like it! We'll...
- Good!

Then have theme night
at the Park.

We could have singles,
um, date night,

uh, seniors, and we could
have a citywide yard sale,

which would be part auction,
part Antiques Road Show.

And then we could have

the professors from
the Community College

come in and assign value
to the objects.

And then we could split
the profits for the school.

It'd be a lot of fun.

I'll see you boys later.

Bye, Ron!

They say you're only as good
as your last idea.

I say you're only as good
as the people you work with.

Leslie Knope is back.

Ha ha!

Oh, my God,
my breath is so bad.

Yeah, she died, like,
20 minutes after that.