Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 7 - Harvest Festival - full transcript

Okay, everybody.
The Harvest Festival is tomorrow.

And I am so proud of all of you.
You've worked so hard.

You're amazing.
So I have a surprise.

And it is possibly

the best thing
to potentially ever happen

to anyone anywhere

in the history of the Universe.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the world famous
Little Sebastian.

- What?
- Yes!

No way!



Little Sebastian?
Oh, my God!

I never thought
I'd get to meet him.

- It's really him!
- Well done, Leslie.

Well done!

Little Sebastian made his debut

at the last
Harvest Festival in 1987.

And he was an instant phenomenon.

For the next few years,

Sebastian was the number one
boy's name in Pawnee.

And the number three girl's name.

So what am I missing?
What's the deal with the pony?

He's not a pony, man.
He's a mini horse.

There's a big difference.

Well, then why is he so famous?



Does he do something?
What does he do?

Son, this horse

has an honorary degree
from Notre Dame.

We all need to
be very careful, okay?

Remember, this little guy
is 25 now.

And he has cataracts in both eyes

and he has severe arthritis.

Jerry is going to look after him.

Yes, I am.

We are both on the same
diabetes medication.

Are you my Glucotrol buddy?

Are you? Huh?

Isn't it amazing?

Yeah, I just gotta be honest.

I don't know
what the big deal is.

Get out.

Hmm.

Okay, couldn't you put
Sue's salads here?

On Deep Fried Boulevard?

It's just...

There's so many junk food places
and only one salad stand.

Well, there's a lot of people
that don't consider salad a food.

The Harvest Festival
is the biggest thing

I've ever done in my career.

And if it fails, the Parks
Department will be eliminated.

That's why we're going big.

Seven days,
over 30 different locations.

50,000-plus visitors,
and four hospitality kiosks.

God, I gotta stop
ending on that boring thing.

Clowns!

Man, you are just
knocking these off.

You're like a ninja crossed
with a Jedi, or something.

You're like a nerd mixed
with a dork or something.

Tom, Star Wars is not that nerdy.

No, Star Wars is not that nerdy.

It's not, everyone's see it.

Everyone's seen it.

- Everyone.
- This guy's here.

- Hey, Ken.
- Hi, Leslie.

This is Ben and Tom.

- That's a dope bollo.
- This is Ken Hotate.

He is the tribal leader
of the Wamapoke.

Ah! Wahallo.

Have a seat.
Ken, I know why you're here.

And just let me say
that we really tried.

I'm sorry, Leslie,
but this is a big one.

I'm under a lot of pressure.

I'm gonna need to formally
ask you to move the carnival.

I'm sorry?
What's going on.

The carnival is on the site
of the battle of Indian Hill,

which was an epic seven day
battle that the Wamapoke lost.

Due to the fact that
they didn't have any weapons.

During the battle,
93-year-old chief Wakote

was shot 102 times
by the calvary.

Did he die?

Yes.

And this moment
will be commemorated

for the next seven days

with shooting galleries
and fried dough stands.

Ken, I understand.

But it's the only place in town

that's big enough to
house the carnival rides.

Plus, you know
with Pawnee's history

it's very difficult
to not be offensive.

This is a map of all the
atrocities the Pawnee settlers

inflicted upon
the Wamapoke Indians.

The atrocities are in blue.

We put up a memorial plaque,

and we have a Wamapoke exhibit
in the history tent.

I completely understand you.

But this is sacred burial ground.

And I just hope that
the souls of my ancestors

don't put a curse
on this festival.

There are two things
I know about white people.

They love Matchbox 20,

and they are terrified of curses.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Um, so somebody,
I don't want to say who.

It was totally me.

Got sweetums to donate another
15 cotton candy machines.

- Ah, take that, curse.
- Take that, curse.

- Ouch, ouch, ouch!
- Right in the chest, ooh!

- Ow, ow, ow!
- Bazooka!

Ugh! Get a room.

- All right.
- Okay.

Um, so guys, focus up.

Joan Callamezzo is coming by
with a camera crew,

for an exclusive
last-minute walk through

of the Harvest Festival
before we open tomorrow.

So everything
needs to be perfect.

Joan is always
looking for a scandal.

She's like
an eagle-eyed tiger.

Eagle-eyed tiger!
New band name, I call it!

So everybody gather around.

- Let's grab hands.
- I don't hold hands.

Okay, you're all amazing,
wonderful people.

And I really want you
to have fun today.

And not focus on the fact that
if one thing goes wrong,

- we're all gonna lose our jobs.
- That's not inspiring.

Okay, let's go get 'em everybody!

Yes!

Hey, whatever happened
to you and the bionic man?

Chris?
He broke up with me.

But he did it so nicely that I
didn't even realize he did it.

I've done that to multiple men.

How you doing?
You doing okay?

Thank you so much for asking,
it's been tough, yeah.

Two days ago I was sobbing at

a pizza buffet
and they asked me to leave.

I've been looking at
some dog adoption web sites.

Bought $700 worth of candles
from Anthropologie.

I did this to my hair.

You know, your basic
bottoming out kind of stuff.

Yeah.

Normally, people tell you to
talk about your problems,

I'm gonna recommend you
bottle that noise up.

That's what my mailman said.

Muah-muah-murder.

Murdering the most melons.

Shaquille showered shame
on Shakira's sheets.

- Hello, Joan.
- Hello, Leslie.

Looks like a very
impressive festival.

But we'll see.

We'll see.

- You remember Ben?
- Hi.

It's nice to see you again.

- Let's get started.
- Okay.

Now the festival is spread
throughout the town.

But the centerpiece
is the carnival.

And over here is
Indiana's largest corn maze.

Ah.

Is that Pawnee corn
or Eagleton corn?

Pawnee corn, and it's organic.

Over here we have our
beautiful ferris wheel.

Ah, beautiful.

But deadly.

When was the last time
this giant wheel of death

was inspected?

Actually, twice in the last week.

And everything is
100% up to code.

How many of these
carnies are illegals?

None, they're all U.S. citizens.

Over in this booth, Indiana
basketball legend Larry Bird's

84-year-old
aunt Tilda will be

signing autographs
for two hours on Thursday.

- You got Tilda?
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- We got Tilda.

But the real coup is over there.

Li'l Sebastian.

Are you [bleep] kidding me?

- You got Li'l Sebastian?
- See for yourself!

Oh, wow.
He is so adorable.

Thank you, Joan.
Li'l Sebastian isn't bad either.

- Tom!
- How are you?

- Good.
- Good to see you.

Hold on a second.

Did you get your breasts done?

- You look amazing.
- Yes, thanks for noticing.

Joan, listen to me.

This Harvest Festival,
it's gonna knock your socks off.

And when it does,
I'm gonna be there

to give you a foot massage...
To completion.

Good lord.

God, I swear, it's almost
like they don't want you to win.

Well, you'd better practice.
You gotta win me a Teddy bear.

I'm gonna win you
a million Teddy bears.

Well, I want
a billion Teddy bears.

Well, that's
a little unrealistic.

This is a hard game.
Two million.

Deal.

All right.

Hey, I love you.

Dude, shut up!

That is awesome sauce!

You're such a good boy.

Jerry, stop bothering
Li'l Sebastian.

Leslie said I should
watch him for a little bit.

Perfect, I've gotta go
get him a tail scrunchie.

Most people look
at Li'l Sebastian

and they see a famous mini horse.

I see an advertising
opportunity for my club.

The Snakehole Lounge.

Wow, that is a shockingly
huge mini horse erection.

What about your friend Ben, here?

We all know his story,
one of failure.

Remind us of that failure.

Well, uh, you know, when
I was an 18-year-old mayor,

I tried to build
a winter sports complex

called Ice Town
and it bankrupted the city.

Yikes.

I was also short-stop
on my JV baseball team.

No one ever brings that up.

And now you're involved
with this.

Do I smell another
disaster, hopefully?

Look, Joan, this festival,

thanks to the tireless
efforts of Leslie Knope,

is going to bring people
nothing but happiness.

Not even I could screw that up.

I'm a reporter,
not your therapist.

So any time someone
takes a picture of him,

the Snakehole's logo is in it.

Am I a genius or what?

Hey, Tom.
Where's Li'l Sebastian?

Uh, somebody left the gate
open and he got out, Jerry!

What are you talking about?

Unbelievable.

Another in a long string
of miserable failures.

You lost Li'l Sebastian!

- I wasn't even here!
- Exactly.

You look for him, I'm gonna go
tell everyone what you did.

Harvest starts at 9 AM
tomorrow morning,

and as far as this
reporter is concerned,

it's well worth your time.

Come on down, everyone.
It's gonna be sweet.

It pains me to say this,
but great job here.

Thank you.

- That went well.
- Yeah, it did.

- Take that, curse!
- Take that, curse!

Sorry, what is
this about a curse?

- Hmm?
- Curse?

What?
What, nothing.

- No, no.
- Leslie!

It's Li'l Sebastian.
He's gone.

Jerry let him escape and
we don't know where he is.

Keep those cameras up.
We've got a new intro to do.

Gotcha.

Let's go ahead,
let's get some shots

of chipped paint
and crying babies.

How about some of those
spooky traffic lights.

Okay, you know the drill.

Okay, this is bad, right?

This is way worse than that.

This is a huge government project,

and already a lightning rod.

And then you add
the Wamapoke controversy.

Double lightning rod.

- Plus we lost that little pony.
- It's a mini horse!

And that's
the third lightning rod.

Triple lightning rod!

And then you have the curse,
quadruple lightning rod.

God, now all the vendors
are gonna bail.

And the ticket sales
are gonna go down.

Wait, I'm sorry.

But do people in this town
really believe in curses?

Oh, no.
No.

We all just behave rationally
and believe

we are all in charge
of our own destinies.

Come on.

What the heck are we gonna do?

How did this happen?

Maybe Li'l Sebastian got upset

because he tried to share
his true feelings

with someone
and they didn't reciprocate.

That's not bad.

Or maybe a balloon
popped somewhere,

and it scared him.

Sent him running off.

Okay.

Tom, Jerry, check the field
behind the parking lot.

Andy, April, check the corn maze.

Good idea.
Horses love mazes, come on!

Hey, Leslie?

This big, beefy dude just
came in to the first aid tent

because he was dehydrated.

And then a reporter came in

and asked if it was
because of the curse.

No comment.
Did you say, "no comment?"

- You gotta say, "no comment."
- I did.

Ah, good.
Anne, you're so beautiful.

Beautiful Anne.

All right, well, um,

just treat him and release him

and then don't say
anything to anyone

about anything
for the rest of the month.

- Okay.
- Okay, run, Anne, run!

- Okay.
- Leslie?

- Yeah?
- You gotta see this.

The fact is, this carnival is

being held on top of
an ancient Wamapoke burial site.

Much like the house
in the movie, Poltergeist.

Exactly.

I spoke to Leslie Knope,
of the Parks Department,

about moving the carnival.

And she refused.

We do have exclusive
animation of that event.

Let's take a look.

Oh, I love these things.
Sorry.

Whoa.

Ah-ah-ah!

Is that what happened?

- Perd...
- None of that happened.

That is exactly what happened.

All right, all right.

What we do is
we move the shooting gallery.

That seems to be
their biggest problem.

Maybe that will make them happy.

Check back in
with news Channel 4.

Number one in curse coverage.

You know how Indians
call corn maize?

This is why.
I never knew that.

Oh, my God.
I'm gonna go look by myself.

Hey, are you all right?

You seem super not happy.

I'm fine.

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

I might be going
to Venezuela tomorrow.

Forever.

You're not fine.

Ludgate, something is
upsetting you.

Why don't you just go ahead
and tell me what it is.

I'm not mad at Andy.
Andy's great.

I awesome sauce Andy.

April! Where are you?

Look left.

Look right.

Yeah, okay.

I don't know what's sicker,
me or your body.

You aren't sick.

Maybe you should
check out my abs.

Are you experiencing
abdominal pain?

Every day at the gym.

- Ew.
- Feel.

Oh.

What are you doing tonight?

I think I'm gonna have to pass.

Your loss.

- Are you gonna hit that?
- Him?

He isn't exactly
boyfriend material.

Who said anything
about a boyfriend?

Use him, abuse him, lose him.

Hey, hey, hey.
Did you find him?

Yeah, Jerry.
He's right here in my pocket.

Damn it.
Ground mission failed.

We need a bird's eye view.

You want me to climb
on top of the ferris wheel?

We're extremely confident
that there's no curse.

And everyone's gonna have
a great time tomorrow.

Okay?

Wow, first Ice Town.
Now this.

Bad luck really
follows you around, huh?

Okay, I'd like to
start by addressing

some of the false
rumors about the festival.

First of all,
we have plenty of food.

There's no food shortage.

There are not,
as one reporter suggested,

dozens of escaped convicts
meandering around the carnival.

And, at no time was
any Parks Department quote,

"feasting on
petting zoo animals."

You were in charge of

watching a tiny horse,
and you failed.

Look, I'm only
gonna say this once.

What if Li'l Sebastian
is on this ferris wheel?

How about you
only say that never.

Leslie, how big of a disaster

will this be, on a scale of 9 to 10?

It will not be a disaster.

It will be a success.

And I want to
let everyone know that,

in an attempt to be sensitive
to our Wamapoke friends,

we have moved the shooting
gallery, per their request.

So, yes, Perd?

Yeah, the statement that
this reporter has is a question.

Will that be enough
to lift the curse?

Perd, you know as well as I do
that there no such...

Oh, my God.

Crap on a spatula.

It's the curse.

That's exactly what it is.

You know what?
It is the curse.

Wait, everyone, relax, please.

We'll get this up
and running in no time.

- Oh.
- Whoa!

- Jerry, what the hell?
- I didn't do this.

Jerry's fault.
Jerry's fault.

Jerry's fault!
Jerry's fault!

God.
I cannot catch a break.

Yeah, well, I'll help you out.

- I'm gonna go.
- What?

I think I'm jinxed or something.

What are you talking about?

Look, you were totally fine
until I got involved.

So I feel like I should
probably just go, okay?

I'm really sorry.

I'm the curse, I think.

So I'm gonna, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna get out of here. All right?

If they're missing this long,
they're usually dead.

Well, if that's true,

then you're gonna have to answer

to the whole town.
And God.

Okay, you were the one
who let him out, Tom.

Okay?
Now stop trying to blame me.

Jerry, can you please be quiet?

I can't hear myself
not talking to Andy.

Ron, will you please
tell me why April is mad at me?

Ron, can you please tell Andy...

All of you, be quiet!

Andy, she's mad because
you said "awesome sauce"

instead of,
"I love you, too."

April, he loves you.
Stop being a child.

Tom, you're clearly
at fault here.

Blaming Jerry won't save you.

Jerry, we both know you were
shotgunning funnel cakes

instead of watching
Li'l Sebastian.

So everyone apologize
to everyone else!

- I'm sorry, Tom.
- I'm sorry, Jerry.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.

I do love you.

You do?

Yeah.

That's what makes
the sauce so awesome.

Aw, Jerry just farted!

I'm very upset, I get nervous.

Hey, Leslie.

Generator's shot.

No! I got the TMK-2500

specifically for
the extra capacity.

Wow, you know your stuff.

You single?

Not now, Ed.
How could that happen?

All those TV crews
plugged in and overloaded it.

Okay, how and where
can I get a new one?

In, like, I don't know, now?

There's only one place in town
that has a generator that size.

You've gotta be kidding me.

So...You need
to borrow a generator.

Ken, I'm coming
to you on my knees.

Begging for help.

Much like the
early settlers of Pawnee

begged the Wamapoke
200 years ago.

- Ah, but that was...
- A trick.

And over 50 Wamapoke
were slaughtered.

I know.

But this is not a trick.

I am prepared to put
the Wamapoke history exhibit

inside the carnival grounds.

Right past
the entrance turnstile.

So that you have to look at it
before you start having fun.

Hm, now that's interesting.

It's been really
awesome looking at you.

Most carnival nurses
are total grenades.

Okay, you're all set.

You are free to go.

Or you could stay here
and make out with h me

until the lights come back on.

Oh, hell yeah.

Beat it, Donna.

Aye, aye, captain.

I'm just trying to do
something good for this town.

And I'm trying to
save my friends' jobs.

Can you help me out here?

A native American tribe making
a deal with the government.

Heh! What could go wrong?

You can have
the generator, Leslie.

Thank you, Ken.

And I'll issue a statement

saying that the curse
has been lifted.

Actually, I have another idea.

With that sacred ceremony,

the Wamapoke curse
has been lifted.

Wow, thank you.
Intense stuff from Ken Hotate.

And in other good news,
he gave us a scare,

but he's back now.

The one, the only,
Li'l Sebastian!

We spotted him from
the top of the ferris wheel

at the center of the corn maze.

After the power came back on,
we went and got him.

It took us four hours
to solve that maze.

It took the horse 15 minutes.

Jerry's still out there.

I suppose I oughta
go look for him.

Right after I get a bratwurst.

♪ ♪

♪ Well, she was
an American girl ♪

Welcome.

Come on in, have fun.

Enjoy yourself, ladies.

- Hey.
- Hey, look who's back.

I'm sorry I left.

I honestly felt like I was
cursed or something.

Ice Town, and now this.

Ice Town was a disaster.

And it seems like it
was probably your fault.

From what I can tell, you
mismanaged the hell out of it.

Wow, why even say that already?

But the point is, this project,

this is as much
yours as it is mine.

It's ours.

And...it's gonna be really great.

And I'm glad you're here.

Well, thank you.

- Is this the guy?
- Yes, this is him.

Special Wamapoke ceremony.

The curse has been lifted.

- Oh, wow. Thanks.
- Yeah.

Oh, gosh.
You're filthy.

Go clean yourself up.
Try to look professional.

Hello.

Enjoy yourself.

Hi. I like your necklace.

Hi.

♪ ♪

Oh, my God.
He is just the best ever.

You're the best ever.

But he's a close second,
aren't you, Li'l Sebastian?

He really is amazing.

You finally get it now, right?

Hello, he's fantastic.
I totally get it now.

I don't get it.
At all.

It's kind of a small horse.
I mean, what am I missing?

Am I crazy?

Hey, Ben, you just missed it.
He whinnied.

Oh, yeah, no.
I totally heard that.

It was great.