Parks and Recreation (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 4 - Practice Date - full transcript

And to my wife, I apologize.

All I can say is
I wasn't just having sex,

I was making love
to a beautiful woman

and her boyfriend,

and a third person,
whose name I never learned.

Furthermore,
it was wrong of me to say

I was building houses
for the underprivileged,

when I was actually having
four-way sex in a cave in Brazil.

I bet cave sex is insane.

Why?

Because of the echoes
and the humidity.



Mmm-hmm.

In my defense,
it was my birthday

and I really wanted to do it.

I think it's a real shame

when people focus on the
tawdry details of a scandal.

Personally, all I care about is
Councilman Dexhart's policies.

Not whether he was high on nitrous
and cocaine during the cave sex.

Which, by the way,
I heard he was.

One more shocking revelation in a story
that just won't stop unfolding.

It turns out Councilman Dexhart

may have also had
sex with a prostitute

in the limousine on the way to
and from the press conference

where he apologized
for having an affair.

Perd Hapley,
Channel Four Eyewitness News.



Why does anybody wanna
run for public office?

You're just asking to have
your entire life exposed.

Well, if you're squeaky clean,
like I am, there's no problem.

Tom, you're married, and you
hit on women constantly.

Yeah, but I've never sealed the deal.
Just window-shopping.

You can fly to Brazil, just don't
enter the cave. Am I right?

Up top!

I'm sure that you think
that you're clean,

but I bet that we could
find something on you.

I changed my name,
which is legal,

and once in high school, a girl
beat me in a wrestling match.

That's it.

I bet anything I could find
worse stuff on all you guys.

Are you suggesting a game?

- I'm in.
- I'm in.

- I'm out.
- Not an option, Jerry.

You're going down.

No, seriously,
I really don't wanna play.

No, no. Seriously, you are playing.
We're gonna nail you.

I will play, too,

if only to prove that I can find
more dirt on you than you can on me.

That's why we're all playing.

Your desk is over there.

I love games that turn
people against each other.

You guys will never believe what I
just found on Jerry's Facebook.

A friend. Burn.

Okay, again,
I'd really rather not play.

Hey, guys.
What are you guys doing?

Trying to see who has the
least amount of dirt on them

in case someone
wants to run for office.

Well, it ain't Jerry.
That's for sure.

What?

Well, he's got a couple of 359s on him.
Public urination.

I don't like this game.
I just don't like it.

He's probably gonna go
anger-pee in the courtyard.

Well, you crazy park people,
I'm out of here.

Leslie, I'll see you tomorrow.

Tomorrow, will be our

first official...
First date.

Roger that.

Copy. Over and out.

Dave and I are going
on our first date tomorrow.

I'm not nervous.

Why should I be nervous?

We're just two people
going on a first date.

There's nothing to
be nervous about.

That was my phone.

- Hey.
- Hey. Hi there.

What are you...
What are you doing here?

Just having lunch with Leslie.
What are you up to?

Oh, I'm looking for scandalous
information about my co-workers,

for a game that we're playing.

My taxes pay
your salary, right?

- Yeah.
- Cool.

And he looked up at me,

and he said, "Thank you.
You saved my life."

Yeah. Hey, listen,
I'm really nervous

about this date tomorrow night.

Do you have, like, a first
date outfit I can borrow?

Like, I don't know,
a pair of cargo pants?

Yeah, I wouldn't go
with a cargo pant.

What about, like, a sexy hat?

I don't know what that even is.

Helping already.

Do you wanna just come by
after work today?

Sure. Yeah. Tonight?

Several hours from now?

Or you could just
come over now?

I think that would be better.

Yeah, that would give us more time.
Let's go.

Oh, what you doing, guys?

Looking for dirt on me?
No point.

Give up now.

Oh, wait, there's this.

Everybody, I bought a
Croissan'wich this morning.

This isn't even a real receipt.
Just a scrap of paper.

Taliban robes!

What?

Where'd you get
that photo from?

Hey, Tom.
Nice Taliban robes.

Those aren't Taliban robes.

That's from Halloween, 10 years ago.
I was dressed like a Jedi.

I'm sure that the voters would
be able to tell the difference.

Mmm, looks to me like
you're in the Taliban.

Well, did everybody know
that Ron's ex-wife, Tammy,

is actually his second
ex-wife named Tammy?

That's right.
Ron has two ex-wives, each named Tammy.

Both of them bitches.

Yes, my mom's name is Tammy.

What's your point?

Tom, that was
a Jaeger-secret.

You just breached
a Jaeger-secret.

Damn, this just
heated up quick!

Ta-da!

- That looks great.
- Yeah?

Will you be wearing it out
of the store today, madame?

I think I will, good lady.

Hey, while I have you,
can I ask you a question?

Shoot.

What if he asks me
if I've been married?

- Have you?
- No.

Well, then, say that.

But then he'll wonder
why I haven't been married.

You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna say that I was married.

The real question is, should
I say that I have kids.

Guys like girls
that have kids, right?

Whoa!

What if I get drunk and I
talk about Darfur too much?

Or not enough?
What if I don't bring up Darfur enough?

Leslie, relax.

Yeah.

Okay?

I just have a few
more questions for you, Ann.

What if he shows up
with another woman?

What if one of my sleeves catches
on fire and it spreads rapidly?

What if instead of Tic Tacs, I
accidentally pop a couple of Ambien

and I have to keep punching
my leg to stay awake?

Those are all
insane hypotheticals.

And I promise you
they won't happen.

They have happened.

All of these have
happened to me.

No, there's more.

One time, I accidentally drank
an entire bottle of vinegar.

I thought it was terrible wine.

Once I went out with a guy

who wore 3D glasses
the entire evening.

Oh, one time I rode in a
sidecar on a guy's motorcycle,

and the sidecar detached and
went down a flight of stairs.

Another time, I went to a
really boring movie with a guy,

and while I was asleep, he tried
to pull out one of my teeth.

I literally woke up
with his hand in my mouth.

We went out a couple times after
that, but then he got weird.

I know it sounds crazy,
I'm a grown woman,

but I am just not
good on first dates.

Oh, okay. Okay.

You have a problem, and this
is how we're gonna fix it.

I know what you're thinking.

I wear an earpiece,
you sit at a table nearby,

you speak into a mic, you tell
me what to say on the date.

But let me tell you something,
Ann, it never works.

No, no, no. We are gonna go to a
restaurant and have a practice date.

I will pretend to be Dave,
and you will practice on me.

That's a way better idea.

Hey, Dave, it's me.
It's Leslie.

- Hi, Leslie. It's good to see you.
- Hi!

You don't wanna
do that quite yet.

So, Dave.

Let's begin our conversation.

What's on the note cards?

They're possible
topics of conversation.

"Whales, parades,
electricity."

And the rest are blank.

Yeah, well, I couldn't
think of anything else.

Leslie's in worse
shape than I thought.

Is she practice-laughing?

Oh, Dave... you!

The Danish call it
"op og ned apparat,"

which literally translated means
the "up and down machine."

Wow, that's a thorough
history of the teeter-totter.

Now I'm gonna talk about
the local flora and fauna

found in Pawnee.
- Okay.

- What's amazing... - You know what?
Just ask me a question.

Just try to get to know me.

Okay.

I can't think of anything to ask you.
I'm sorry. My mind is blank.

Just ask me the first thing
that comes to your head.

How big is it?

- Really?
- Oh, my God.

Hey, Tommy. Hi.

- Hey.
- Are you ready?

Yes, I am.
Just give me one second.

Hey, Donna.
Let me ask you something.

Do you hate black people?

Excuse me?

'Cause, apparently, in 1988,

you donated money to the presidential
campaign for David Duke.

The KKK guy?

I got a phone call.
They said he would lower taxes.

Boom!

How's it feel to lose so hard?

I'm sorry, honey.
Let's get coffee.

Ree-Ron! You remember my
wife, Wendy Haverford.

- Of course.
- Yeah, hi.

How are things at the hospital?

Very good, thank you.
I just got a pediatric surgery fellowship.

Nice.
We're celebrating,

'cause she's super rich
and super hot also.

Okay. Come on, Tommy.
Cut it out.

You're super hot.
Everybody else has to deal with it.

Let's get out of here.
See you later, Ron.

I've established a scientifically
perfect 10-point scale

of human beauty.

Wendy is a 7.4,

which is way too high
for Tom, who is a 3.8.

Ten is tennis
legend Steffi Graf.

Hi, Dave.

You're late. And I can see your
nipples through your dress.

What? No. Really?

In nursing school, we took a psych
course on how to treat phobias

with a method called
"exposure therapy."

So, like, if you were
afraid of snakes,

they would immerse you
in a tank of snakes.

So, I am going to immerse
Leslie in a tank of bad date.

You're 20 minutes late,
I almost left.

Okay.

- God!
- Well, I was

dropping my niece off.

What's your niece's name?

Torple.

What? I don't know.

That's not a name.
I don't have a niece.

- My niece's name is Stephanie.
- Stop lying.

Hey, look. There's bread.
You want some? Oh, no!

- I got flowers in your soup.
I'm so sorry. - Oh come on!

Just...
I have to go to the whiz palace.

You know, Dave, the
place where you...

You know, the toilet thing.

It's a bathroom!
It's called a bathroom!

Hey, Mark.

A little birdie told me that you
have one unpaid parking ticket.

Well, that's funny, because
a little birdie told me

that your adoptive mother was
arrested for marijuana possession.

Oh, snap!

What?

You didn't know that, huh?

I didn't know I was adopted.

Oh, no. Oh, Jerry.
Oh, Jerry. I'm so sorry.

- I really didn't wanna play.
- You...

That was not my intention.

It's not your fault.
He totally baited you

with that unpaid
parking ticket.

Tom, could you
come into my office?

Tom-ato sauce.

Ron-tonamo Bay.

Do be seated and
congratulate me.

For what?

Winning the game.

I just found out, through some
pretty impressive investigating,

that your wedding was a sham.
It's a green card marriage.

That's crazy. I was born in South Carolina.
These colors don't run, baby.

Yes, but Wendy
was born in Ottawa, Canada.

Her visa was set to expire
the day after you got married

at the county courthouse in front
of three strangers and no family.

Okay. We met in college.

She wanted to work in the States,
she couldn't get a permit...

I knew it. I knew you couldn't
get a wife as hot as her.

Seriously, Ron. Games aside, you
gotta keep this between us.

Don't tell anybody, please.

Now, come on. Don't worry.
I'm not gonna turn you in.

Just admit that when it
comes to digging up dirt,

I bested you in this game.
Say it. Say, "I bested you."

Fine. You bested me.
Is that all?

No. I'll have
your wife tonight.

What?

I'm just kidding.
Get out of here.

Why would you say that, Dave?
That dog was, like, my best friend.

And when she died,
it was one of...

Bring, bring, bring,
bring, bring.

Hey, Tiffany.

Yeah, I definitely
wanna see you tonight.

No, I can't really
talk right now,

'cause I'm on
a date with this drip.

Yeah, I can ask.

Hey, do you wanna watch a porno
after this with me and my wife?

No, Dave.
'Cause you're disgusting.

So, it's definitely a no?

I don't understand why
you're being so terrible.

We're just two people
trying to go on a date.

It's supposed to be fun.
It's just a date.

You're right, it is.
Well done.

Sorry I had to get
all medical on you.

But now you see that even if
everything goes wrong, you'll survive.

Well, well, well.

You coy bastard.

Mark.

- Tom.
- You hate Ron, right?

No. I think Ron is fine.

So, we're on the same page.

You gotta help me
take this guy down.

There's gotta be
something on him.

Tom, I'm starting to feel kind
of gross about this game.

It's not about
the game anymore.

Ron has some serious dirt on me.
I need to balance things out.

You must know how that feels, you
got tons of dirt in your past.

Please, you gotta help me.

There is a man
named Duke Silver.

He hangs out at
a bar in Eagleton.

He's an old friend of Ron's,
maybe you should ask him.

Thanks, man. I'm gonna dig
up so much dirt on this guy,

there's gonna be worms
all over the place.

- It sounded snappier in my head.
- Yeah.

Ann is so awesome.

I'm lucky to have a friend

who would spend a whole day
being so mean to me.

Catch.

I don't need your dress anymore,
I'm gonna wear my own stuff.

Me-power.

Good. You're officially
first date-proof.

Thank you, Dave.

Listen, it is impossible
that he's not gonna like you.

He's gonna freak out
about how awesome you are.

No, he's not.

Yes, he is.
He's gonna love you.

You're cool and you're sexy and
you're funny and you're smart...

- Yeah.
- Look, any guy would be lucky

to date you.
- Yeah.

- Yeah. Hell, yeah.
- Yeah. Hells, yeah!

- Yeah.
- I am awesome.

You are awesome.

Yeah, and you are, too.

- Thank you.
- You are, too.

- Thank you.
- You are, too, Ann.

Okay. You're awesome.

You're awesome.

Help, police! Help! Help!

Hey.

Look, I know today is today,
and it's not tomorrow,

but I felt like you should
know that I'm awesome,

and you're lucky to have me.

And I think our first date
tomorrow is gonna go awesome,

off-the-charts amazing.
Up top.

All right,
let's do this, bitch!

I'm not scared.
Can I come and sit down for a little bit?

'Cause I walked here,
'cause... the drinking.

I don't know...

I do know. I'm coming inside.
So, move, okay?

You make a better
door than a guy.

Hey.

This is gonna sound weird.
I'm looking for a guy named Duke Silver.

Yeah, he goes on in a second.

Ladies, ladies, ladies,
it's just about that time.

It's with the jazziest pleasure
that I bring out for you,

my man, Mr. Duke Silver!

Thank you, Dwayne.

As always, it is a thrill to be
here, during this witching hour

with you lovely ladies.

Now, relax,
and let the Duke Silver Trio

take you on a little
journey to yourself.

Ann was helping me because I
was panicking about tomorrow.

Well, did I say something
to make you worry about...

No, no.

Just the whole idea of first
dates just kind of freak me out.

But not anymore.

I can't even believe that I was
scared to go on a date with you.

I mean, you should
be scared of me.

Okay.

I think I need to
return this sweater.

I think it fused with my shirt
in the dryer or something.

Okay, I think that's
a sweater-shirt combo.

I think it's going
pretty well with Dave.

He wants me.
I can totally tell that he wants me.

I'm right here.
You know I'm here, right?

Did you see my bra?
Mmm? Bee, boop.

Guess what? I'm wearing the hot
one tomorrow, the black one.

- Okay.
- Can I use your bathroom?

- Yes.
- Are you impressed

that I know what it's called?

Look, maybe I ought to
give you a lift home.

Good. Well, in London,
they call elevators "lifts."

So, you're gonna give
me an elevator home?

- No, thank you.
- Okay. Let's... Let's go.

- Okay?
- Okay. Let's go...

- Okay.
- ...down to the pub...

- That's right. To the pub.
- ...get a pint.

- Yes.
- We'll put our knickers

in The Beatles records.
- Okay, yeah. That's...

This is an English accent.

What I cannot
believe is Dexhart's wife.

I mean,
how clueless can you get?

How did she not know
this was going on?

More importantly, how does she
stay with him after all this?

I think
Dexhart's credibility...

Hey. Can I help you
at 11:48 p. m?

Okay, here's the whole thing.
Here are all my skeletons.

When I was 16, I had sex
with a married woman.

- Right.
- When I was in college,

I smoked
a decent amount of pot.

- Uh-huh. - Nothing insane.
When I tell you what...

What the hell are you doing?

What I'm doing is, I'm trying to
tell you that I've done some stuff

that I'm not very proud of.
But I like you.

So, I would rather you
not find out about this

from anyone but me.

This was a bad idea.

No, no. It's fine.

I get what this is,
and why you did it.

Is there anything that you would
like to share from your past,

to sort of balance the scales?

Yeah.

One time this guy rang
my doorbell at midnight,

to brag about getting laid
when he was 16, so I shot him.

Good night.

It's been a real gift making
sonic love to you tonight.

If you want more of the Duke, both
my albums are for sale here,

Smooth As Silver
and Hi Ho, Duke.

And look for my new CD
next month, The Memories of Now.

So, come see me, come talk
to me, come love with me,

and maybe we can
walk through fire together.

Thank you. Good night.

Duke! Huge fan.

Look, Tom. I imagine you'll
wanna tell everyone about this,

but I have worked pretty hard to
cultivate a certain authoritative,

or intimidating image
around the office...

Can I... Can I get
a picture?

Sure.

Say, "I bested you!"

I bested you.

- All right. Thanks for loving the Duke.
- Thank you. Thank you.

That...
That was a lovely photo.

Truce?

Truce.

You're kidding me.

No. I'm not.

You showed up at
the guy's house

in the middle
of the night, drunk,

and you didn't
even sleep with him?

Should I have?

It never hurts.

God.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey!

You left quite a bit
of stuff at my place last night.

Purse, and earrings,
and a shoe.

I am so sorry for
what happened last night.

On my list of embarrassing things
that I've done in my life,

that was numbers
one through seven.

I totally understand
if you wanna cancel.

It's okay.

You can make it up to me
tonight on our second date.

Second?

Well, yeah.
Last night was our first date.

So, that would make
tonight our second.

I'm looking forward to it.
8:00?

8:00.

You like dancing?

Yeah!

I don't... I'm a...
I don't like dancing.

- Then we don't have to go.
- Okay.

Well, we went on our first date,
and I didn't even know it.

A.K.A., I nailed it.

No fires, no ambulances,

just good old-fashioned
showing up drunk

at a guy's house late at night.

However, I wanna be clear,

I have no plans to resign.

Is it weird that
my feelings are hurt

that no one's found
any dirt on me yet?

Hello! I drove a riding lawn
mower through a Nordstrom!

There's video that I took!
It's on the Internet.

Nothing.

Jerry. Plastic surgery?

I got hit by a fire engine.

You are so lucky.

How?